Superman #38

This is actually a wrap-around cover but the back side is just a bunch of disembodied heads staring at Ulysses backside.

I hear Superman gets a new power in this issue! Do you think it has anything to do with how skinny his left leg is on this cover? Maybe he's going to gain super stretchy powers. I hope, after all that bullshit he went through against villains with mental powers in Lobdell's Superman run, he gains some kind of defense against mind control. Or maybe immunity to magic. He doesn't really need any more offensive powers, right? He's got cold breath and heat vision, so he doesn't need to blast lightning or sun-bolts. He's got flight and super strength and invulnerability. Maybe he'll develop at least a modicum of cynicism!

At the end of last issue, he was floating in space in the Fourth Dimension somewhere near where the Great World used to be. Ulysses was a little bit upset about the loss of his adopted home world and Superman was just all, "I know right? Tell me about it."

For the first few pages, Ulysses just beats the crap out of Superman and Superman takes it because he understands that Ulysses is going through some emotional shit right now. He's blaming Superman for sending the Earthlings back to Earth instead of pumping them into the Great World's Furnace to fuel the planet. But it wasn't Superman's fault. It was Ulysses' parents fault for not listening to him and remaining on Earth. Superman never could have talked Ulysses out of killing the millions of Earthlings because it was the only way to save Ulysses' adopted home. But when he suddenly had to choose between his parents and his new home, he chose his parents. So I think if somebody could just stop Ulysses and ask "Who are you really angry at?", he'll stop his rampage and put his chin in his hand and go, "Who the fuck are you?" Then he'll kill the idiot that asked that question and go right back to pummeling Superman.

Ulysses and Superman wind up back on Earth because Ulysses wants to destroy it out of spite. But then all Superman has to do is point out how Ulysses' parents are on Earth and he won't be able to do it! Issue over!

I didn't pay five dollars to read speeches! Start punching shit already!

Ulysses and Superman continue the fight out in the Pine Barrens or somewhere with no people (only squirrels and bears and other creatures that apparently don't fucking matter). At that point, Geoff and John and Laura fill up page after page after page with explosions. Maybe I was wrong about not wanting to read speeches! I guess I paid five dollars to look at a lot of orange ink.

Just to be clear, these are two separate double page spreads. I've pulled more visually interesting things out of the drain in my bathtub.

Superman and Ulysses collapse in a huge crater of mud and burnt foliage and dead, used-to-be-cute little animals. When Superman awakens, he finds himself in the Batcave staring directly into Batman's crotch.

It's a double page manspread!

John Romita Jr's version of the Batcave is awful. I think it goes against Bat-Continuity! When has the cave every looked like this? It looks like a mall with the dinosaur in the middle of the central courtyard where the fountain would usually be.

Batman, being the go-to guy when you need to know about Kryptonian physiology, has been running tests on Superman and he figured out that Superman has developed a new power: Solar Flaring!

What's with the great big circle surrounding Superman's crotch? Bat-perv.

So basically Superman can self-destruct? That's not really a surprise. It's just like Supergirl's FWASH power when she makes her vagina explode. Oh! Maybe that's why Batman circled Superman's crotch. It's where the new power emanates.

Ulysses wound up in a cell built to contain the Parasite. Superman feels like he should go talk to him because that probably won't set him off again. Plus, Superman needs a day or so to regain his powers. His new Self-Destruct Button (that's what Lois will eventually call his penis) really is a last line of defense, apparently. It saps him of all his power, destroys everything in the area, and leaves him as vulnerable as any human on the planet. He should probably go have sex with Wonder Woman now so he realizes what it really feels like! I bet having sex while invulnerable is like wearing a billion condoms.

Ulysses decides to pout in prison and never talk to Superman again. But his parents visits and he cries like a huge wuss.

Clark decides to go back to working for The Daily Planet because he can't stand sharing an office with Cat anymore. I knew those two idiots should have taken the money Glenn Morganmorgan Glennglenn offered them! They would have been free to do anything they wanted! Like start up a new blog doing exactly what they were doing on Clarkcatropolis but maybe with a better name this time. Instead, they acted like fools and now Clark's back to the Daily Grind. I mean Daily Planet.

Jimmy Olsen and Superman go out for hot dogs and then exchange secrets. Jimmy's secret is that he gave away all of his parents' money because it was a stupid idea to make Jimmy Olsen rich in the first place. Now who decided that was a good idea? Some writer that never thinks through any story further than the end of the month deadline on the issue he's currently writing. Some guy that doesn't understand characterization and writes characters as if they were him instead of trying to understand the character's own motivations and personality. Now if I could just remember that writer's name?! Oh well. After Jimmy tells Superman that he's broke, Superman opens up to Jimmy too.

"I'm Superman, Jim. And I want you to suck my balls."

Superman #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. What a let down! So Superman discovered his Exploding Vagina Power finally! Big deal! He'd have realized he had that power all along if he'd ever take the time to have a normal, non-condescending chat with his cousin Supergirl. And I have no idea if Jimmy Olsen ever knew Superman and Clark Kent were the same person even though they were the biggest pals ever. But I'm pretty sure Clark never asked Jimmy to become his personal teapot. That was a weird twist!

Superman #36

These Lego covers have made my comic book collection completely worthless! You know, even more worthless than it was before.

The last few issues, Superman and Ulysses have been running through parks holding hands, making daisy chains to put in Ulysses magnificent hair and to cover Superman's growing bald spot, hiding in the bushes comparing penises, rolling around on the grass giggling about girls, and all those other things two young boys in the throes of friendship never actually do.

Throes might not be the right word here! Although isn't making friends as difficult and painful as birthing a child? It must be or else why have I not made a new friend in nearly fifteen years? Maybe that's not entirely true. I think the actual hard part of friendship is maintaining a relationship that you enjoy long enough to think of it as a friendship. That takes so much effort! You have to get dressed and showered to leave the house. You have to endure weather and strangers. You have to experience other points of view which might call into question beliefs you've held and cherished for many, many years! It's a horrifying and life-altering process that I'd simply rather just avoid. Just like I'd rather avoid childbirth! And death! And all manner of things that might pull me out of my comfort zone like a bomber crippled by flak! That's actually a pretty clever simile since flak can mean both antiaircraft fire and strong criticism!

If any agents are reading this, I've got plenty more wayses with words just like that! I'm working on a novel called "Too Clever By Far." I was thinking of subtitling it "The Story of the Person Carrying This Book" to really sell a lot of oversized editions that can be read by strangers from far away. Maybe it can even come with a fake pair of glasses in a secret compartment in the back of the book! And that compartment will pad the book to make it look much thicker than it really is, thus making the person reading it look that much smarter!

So basically, Ulysses doesn't like hard work.

Ulysses comes from a planet that has no violent conflict at all. Perhaps it never had but it's probably more likely that the populace of the planet decided to stop poking each other with sporks all by themselves many, many centuries before Ulysses arrived. Either way, that paved the way to make Ulysses' work much easier once he arrived on his adopted planet. But now he moves and he finds he can't get any peace and quiet to pursue his grand work because his roommates are wild, drunken louts that thrive on conflict. Well, Ulysses, you know what I have to say about that? Go fuck yourself! Run away! Get the fuck out of here! You're nothing! You want to be a savior then you have to put in the hard fucking work, you asshat! You didn't see Jesus taking the easy way out and only bringing his message to the Sadducees and Pharisees where he would have been able to dine on the best flesh and drink the most expensive blood! No! He palled around with dirty ass guys that probably smelled like two week old dingleberries! He brought his message to the poor and the leprous and the sexy, sexy sex workers (who also probably smelled like two week old dingleberries). You want to be a savior? You save the people that need saving! You don't just decide that saving them would be too difficult. Jerko.

Has anybody checked to see if Ulysses has a recipe book with a section for serving "humans"?

Ulysses is making a huge mistake here. Just accepting the first six million people to arrive at the landing site? Shouldn't he be doing background checks? He's probably going to wind up with six million criminals running from the law or running to a world that doesn't know how to fight back! And if he is gathering people for his homeworld to eat, shouldn't he refuse to bring skinny, malnourished cattle aboard his Meals on Wheels spaceships?

Superman decides to confront Ulysses. The conversation goes something like this:

Superman: "You're wrong!"
Ulysses: "You are!"

There's no time to pack! Six million people without possessions will beat you to the ship! And he'd better not kick off two people to make room for his parents because that seems like something that might spark violence!

To settle disputes about who can get into Ulysses Space Ark, Ulysses brought along two alien bouncers from his home world. But they don't bounce violently! They just gently shove people away by placing their huge, muscular tentacles against the tiny human bodies and shove them politely away with loads and loads of kindness.

Ulysses tells his parents that they can't come on the trip with him because who wants their parents living on the same world as they are? Back off, mom and dad! Can't a guy live his own life on his own terms without you guys butting in constantly with your judgments and your nitpicking and your petty reminders of how awful I was while growing up?! Um. Anyway, I think he doesn't want to bring them along because it would be weird to eat your own parents.

I don't really think his people are going to eat them. Obviously Geoff Johns would play on the Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man" because it's such a cultural touchstone for nerds, but he's not going to blatantly steal the entire plot! Which is why I think the humans will wind up being pets and/or sex slaves.

Now I've got Porno For Pyros stuck in my head.

Ulysses begins punching Superman which, and correct me if I'm wrong, disqualifies him for making the trip back to his home world.

That was a joke! Obviously the residents of The Great World want non-violent people to journey to their homes so they won't put up any fight when they're outfitted with sparkly collars with cute little name tags (with phone numbers in case they get lost!) and/or sexy lingerie. But they need a violent piece of shit like Ulysses to maintain control of their six million new residents.

Ulysses defeats Superman and lets him in on a little secret: he's done this kind of thing before on other worlds. Maybe people are fuel for running his home planet?! Planets also always need people to pick fruit and work the drive-thru of fast food restaurants, so maybe that's what he needs all the Earthlings for. I suppose we'll find out next issue when Superman takes a trip to the Fourth Dimension! Read that last bit out loud while speaking into a microphone that provides echo effects.

Superman #36 Rating: It's about time this comic book was worth reading. Thank you, Geoff Johns, for finally realizing that you can't just put any crappy, piece of shit writer on one of DC's flagship titles. Although I think we should all engage in a letter writing campaign to demand DC Comics apologizes for letting a hack like Scott Lobdell write their most important character for so long. Was nobody at DC Comics reading what Scott Lobdell was passing off as entertainment? Seriously, Geoff Johns. You owe your fans a long-winded, forced, insincere public apology! Immediately, sir!

Superman #35

I believe this makes 35 Superman comic covers in a row where his eyes are glowing.

Look, guys! It's Laura Martin of Planetary fame coloring outside of all of the lines like a maniac! I mean, like a rebel individual with aspirations to be a precious snowflake! Hi Laura! HI!

So Superman's pacifist-raised, long-haired analogy has made the ultimate super-boo-boo! He went and killed an innocent because he let himself get out of control. Or maybe he just thought he was deactivating a robot. But then Superman would never have made that mistake! Mostly because Batman would never let him hear the end of it. Maybe if Ulysses had first met Batman before going into battle, he would have been too afraid to do anything wrong, thus earning the wrath of The Batman. But that didn't happen. Not at all! What really happened was Ulysses killed a person and now Superman is wondering if Batman can do more for Ulysses than simply forge a Social Security Card and Birth Certificate. Can Batman quietly dispose of bodies? Is that against his dumb code of ethics?

Ulysses and the dead guy aren't the only ones having a bad day. Meanwhile at the Daily Planet:

Poor, poor Friesen. Wait, who? I hope he becomes Clark Kent's mundane office nemesis! Superman has plenty! Shouldn't Clark have at least one?

Down in the sewers, Superman lectures Ulysses about using lethal force. I think he also lies to Ulysses and tells him the man Ulysses thought he killed had already been killed by one of The Machinationist's Mind Ticks. Of course Superman has to cover up the murder! He doesn't want to be an accessory to manslaughter. I suppose with a good lawyer like Matt Murdock, Ulysses could get off on self-defense. I would hope that the law would consider my actions if I killed an innocent man coming at me with a hatchet even if the innocent man had been hypnotized to kill me with a hatchet and wasn't really in control of his actions. On the other hand, the jury would have to see it as self-defense because every juror has heard that you can't be hypnotized to do something you normally wouldn't do. Therefore, the man probably really wanted to kill me with a hatchet!

After the lecture, Ulysses and Superman rush off to almost but not quite kill the Machinationist!

During the beating, the mysterious man with the staff watches on closed circuit television. He knows Superman's secret identity is Clark Kent! He may or may not have bet money on the outcome. It's all very mysterious and inconsequential to the main plot. At least for now.

The battle with the Machinationist is over in just a page or two, as it should be. Superman's battles against villains should never run too many pages because no threat should threaten Superman. The main troubles Superman should be dealing with are ethical choices and moral equivocations and sexually transmitted diseases from the Phantom Zone glory hole in the Fortress of Solitude.

I sense a Darth Vader in the works.

The guy behind the closed circuit television might be Mr. Oz because that totally makes sense, right? The Machinationist mentions him by name before blowing himherself up. After that, Ulysses takes a little look around, decides Earth sucks, and offers to bring six million people back with him to the peaceful world he came from in the Fourth Dimension.

Superman #35 Rating: +2 Ranking. I appreciate that the threat Superman is dealing with is not a big space alien with lots of muscles, nor a magic being that can ignore his vulnerability, or a psychic monstrosity that can control him and turn him into the threat everybody fears. I like that the real antagonist is a friend that may never do anything harmful to Earth at all. But he may cause the place harm by trying his best to help. And so the question is: how will Superman deal with it?

Superman #34

Shouldn't that be "Machinations of the Machinationist"?!

I have ten more comics to read before all the Futures End stuff hits the stands! And then I still have to read three more non-Futures End comics that come out Wednesday before I can partake of DC's Annual Raise the Price of All the Comic Books September Extravaganza! So I don't have time to ramble about stupid bullshit, you guys!

Oh god! Kill me now, you guys! Eeek! I literally just said, "You guys!" Ack! I literally said "literally," you guys! Oof! I think have a Tumbl Virus!

But seriously you guys, let's read some Superman! It's totally important.

This issue begins with the man with the stick. It's literally some Ingmar Bergman Death guy, you guys! He's all important and stuff!

Only 50s kids will understand!

Death Stick Mystery Guy says something about Superman never giving up hope.

No, but seriously, guys, Superman never gives up hope! I know the guy just said that but I felt I needed to say it again as if I were the one passing along the information rather than the guy that said the information passing along the information. I just felt that literally nobody would have noticed what was being said if I didn't repeat it and say, "Seriously though." Because it's that important, you guys.

Ulysses parents are literally two feet tall, you guys. That's why Superman doesn't fit in the chair and has to sit on the arm like one of your sister's loser boyfriends. Amirite? She totes dates jerks.

I went to Starbucks this morning and got a trenta neoclassic dehydrated Zen Green Tea Shaken and they literally spelled my name correctly on the cup. Amazing!

Hey! You guys! Did you know that the loser "L on your forehead" thing wasn't created by Jim Carrey?! It was literally just a thing kids did in Canada to each other! It was the polite version of wedgies! The polite version of swirlies was literally just calling somebody a broomhead.

They were literally literally trying to find a better tomorrow, you guys!

Ulysses's parents are all "We're so sorry!" and "Can you forgive us?" and "Parenting! We're doing it wrong!" But Ulysses is just all "Squee! Ma and Pa are alive!" And Superman is all cri cri cri cri cri cri.

Ulysses tells his origin story and it is literally the same story as Superman's origin story. You guys, this is so important! Up until now, Superman has literally metaphorically been all alone on Earth. Nobody could truly understand what he went through. Nobody on Earth represented him and his struggles, so how could he not feel like a complete outsider? I know we all know we're all special in our individual ways! Like me, I'm a poly-fudge, saniflex, bluegrass/punk fusion, commingling ass muncher. Totes special and individualized and there's nobody like me at all. But I still need representation in pop culture! I need my Ulysses, you guys!

Superman is literally throwing Batman under the bus with all this extra paper work.

Ugh. I hope this Tumbl Virus wears off soon. Kill me now!

Superman totally makes a move on Ulysses' mom while Ulysses and his dad are out on the porch. He's all, "Smell my musk." And she's all, "Mmm! Nom nom nom!" And he's all, "I know you're married but I have no fucks to give." And she's all, "Do you like Sherlock?" And he's all, "Hells yeah! I literally watch it like all the time!" And she's all, blush blush blush blush. And then she's all, "You're literally part of the family now." And Superman is all, "Stop talking. Don't look at me! I'm super busting a super nut now!" Then Ulysses' mom is all, "Dead!"

Later, Superman and Ulysses become besties and head out to find the person responsible for the recent attacks on Metropolis. I've always liked buddy team-ups. They've been my favorites for like forever. That's why my favorite chapter of The Bible is the one where Cain and Abel float down the Mississippi and literally end racism. Also, Turner and Hooch was pretty squee-inducing.

Superman and Ulysses find the place where the robots were built and that's when it happens! The fight of the millentury! A robot tick sticks to Ulysses's head and makes him turn on his best friend forever! I guess he's got Robot Lyme Disease now. I hope Superman doesn't throw his teddy bear in the Sound!

Holy shit. Why am I referencing The Real World: Seattle?! I took some aspirin earlier and I think I'm starting to feel better. Or maybe I've just exhausted my knowledge of Tumblr and have run out of ideas. I suppose I could begin to act like a hard core social justice warrior that has way more youthful passion than they know what to do with it so their attacks are less laser focused and more scatter shot, taking out anybody that looks at the wrong word funny. Usually the wrong word is "rape" because that word literally isn't funny, you guys! I don't know if that was supposed to be funny or not. My head hurts.

Remember Grape Ape? I'm surprised he wasn't arrested and shamed into hiding because some people thought he was going around yelling, "Rape! Rape Ape!"

Superman knocks out Ulysses, squishes the Robot Tick, and meets the man behind the machinations.

The Machinationist!

Superman is quickly overwhelmed by The Machinationist's Mind Ticks but Ulysses saves Superman by committing attempted murder. Uh oh. Superman is going to have to have a bit of a talk with Ulysses. "This is important, youse guy," he'll probably say. "We don't kill, buddy. Also, why do you kill? Weren't you raised by pacifists? I think you should maybe be in the Phantom Zone now."

Superman literally only knows how to deal with problems one way: put it into the Phantom Zone. Just wait until he marries Lois and they have their first fight! Nice knowing you, Lois Lane!

Sad trombone!

Superman #34 Rating: +5 Ranking. This is literally the best Superman comic of The New 52! And that's me speaking with my Tumbl Virus cleared up! Now, it's not the best "Superman in a comic book" comic book because I'm not quite ready to declare this story better than Grant Morrison's run on Action Comics, convoluted as it was. But no better story has been published in the pages of Superman's self-titled comic book since The New 52 began. This shit is bananas! Hmm, maybe I should lie down, you guys.