Superman Loves Wonder Woman #14

Finally! The freaky sex issue!

Is Wonderstar's chest insignia representative of an ass dropping a turd? He probably should have gone to a professional graphic designer, or at least consulted a focus group.

Wonderstar: "Does this look like a "W" for Wonderstar? I also don't mind if it looks like a bull!"
Member of Focus Group: *snickers*
Different Member of Focus Group: *titters*
Another Member of Focus Group: *makes farting noises*
Last Member of Focus Group: "Looks great and not at all like anal sex!"

Last issue, Clark and Diana got their asses beat by Atomic Skull and Major Disaster. Hopefully Batman wasn't currently spying on them or they'll never hear the end of it. Although they were headed out on a date that was probably going to end in some super banging, so Batman was at least recording things for later viewing on the Batcomputer DVR.

The issue begins with some God, probably Hera since she's ranting against Hippolyta who fucked her man (although she's not wearing peacock feathers and she's paler than I remember), spewing stereotypical sexist rhetoric (especially the part about men having at most two or three desires. I can think of four for myself! Well, maybe three and a half. Okay fine: two.).

Aren't most people more vulnerable than Achilles as a matter of fact?

I like the conclusion that women are as baffling and dangerous to each other as they are to men. As if men never beat the shit out of each other for nothing more than a stray glance or misplaced penis. As if guys get along no matter what the sports teams are doing! As if guys never have a good backbiting session which eventually gets back to the backbitten person and causes a whole fuckload of drama and tears! Please.

Apparently this God (probably Hera, remember?) created Wonderstar to save the world and make Wonder Woman look like a fool. The God also might be Strife because Strife is pale and vindictive. But I don't know why Strife would be angry at Hippolyta. Maybe because she somehow got away with fucking Zeus without causing a huge weave pulling tussle with Hera?

I feel safer knowing that if a monster breaks into a nuclear reactor and begins eating fuel rods, the only thing to worry about are the rolling blackouts.

Wonderstar takes credit for the save and is then hauled off by Superman and Wonder Woman so they can interrogate him. In a nice, "we're the good guys" kind of way, of course! When you're Superman or Wonder Woman or Batman, you can't be too careful when somebody else with super powers (or so much money that they may as well have super powers) comes along and begins acting like a good guy. It's almost always a ruse or else why don't they have a comic book with their name on the cover already? And anyway, why does the world need anybody else with super powers? It's like building up an arsenal with too many nuclear weapons. You really only need six or seven to get the job done. And you definitely don't need a bow and arrow when you've got all those nukes! I'm not sure why you need a torpedo though.

I suppose if I were being charitable I could have compared Aquaman to a nuclear sub but when am I ever feeling charitable? Maybe if it were Maundy Thursday. But that's the only time!

"Yes, please, tells us...me and the precious. I mean, me and Superman."

Before Clark and Diana can ferret out who this weasel is, he flies off to bust more crime. They head off with him to observe. And probably to take notes since he did so much better than they did against Atomic Skull and Major Disaster. And on his first showing too!

This new threat is to a bank so it really should be low priority. But Wonderstar is new to the superheroing business and he has yet to learn that foiling bank robberies is old school Golden and Silver Age crap that nobody deals with anymore. This is the Modern Age, Wonderstar! Heroes don't foil crime anymore! They're either too busy defending themselves against their nemesis's evil schemes or they're saving the multiverse. The fucking cops can handle the bank robberies and the hostage situations.

Mammoth, Debutante, and Crash are the current culprits although they're just pawns in this scheme just like Atomic Skull and Major Disaster. Who is behind this series of crimes and injustice?!

Debutante describes the person that gave her a portal device as a "mini-sized madman." Taking into account the high tech device, and since Mammoth is here, she must be talking about Gizmo.

First thing my father told me when I was starting Junior High! Followed up by "Don't trust the black kids" and "The Mexicans will steal your lunch money" and "If you have to make friends with some coloreds, stick with them Orientals."

That caption was my indelicate way of pointing out how sexist Debutante's comment was! Peter J. Tomasi is really digging into women this issue, isn't he?! Did he just get divorced? I know the statement is just a characterization of a person named "Debutante" but it doesn't really jive well after that initial page proclaiming that women are baffling, inscrutable arrogant monsters more vulnerable than the nearly invulnerable Achilles!

Wonder Woman uses her lasso (sneakily and in a manipulative way, the vixen!) to figure out that Wonderstar is free of any ill will or hidden motives. As far as she can tell, anyway. If he is the creation of a God, I don't think her lasso is really of much use.

Whoops!

Wonderstar turns out to be Magog because why the fuck not, you know?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. This shit is out of control, man! I think Tomasi has been getting drunk while writing the scripts to this comic book. And I guess since both Superman and Wonder Woman star in this book, the villains have to be the baddest of the bad. A little Doomsday. A little Brainiac (super overpowered cosmic Brainiac, of course). And now Magog (backed by a god!)?

Kerpow!

Justice League Dark #37

This is my favorite Darwyn Cooke cover yet because it has Rac Shade on it. Kind of.

I've been rewatching the Friday the 13th movies over the last few days and it makes me nostalgic for the days when female nipples poked through shirts. We don't get enough of that in magazines and television and movies today. Nipples have been wiped off the face of the Earth thanks to photoshop and overly concerned mothers! Actually, it was probably overly concerned wives tired of their husbands watching Three's Company with their hands down their pants. And if I were one to notice (which I'm not because I'm all man!), some of the pants and shorts on those guys are pretty fucking snug!

I'd forgotten how truly boring and not very frightening the first movie was. Probably because I first saw it when I was ten years old, so I just thought it was terrifying. It has a variety of scenes that don't take place in the Camp and don't involve young, beautiful people, and aren't scary in the least. And those scenes are oddly compelling. Like when the police officer is in the diner flirting with the middle aged proprietor. Nothing fucking happens in this scene and I really don't know why it, and several other scenes, are included. It was almost (I'm not going to say "Lynchian" like everybody likes to say to describe something weird but I'll say something close to it!) Twin Peaksy. It could have been Dale Cooper sent out to investigate Camp Crystal Lake! Now I want to see that movie!

The second film was a little scarier but it's still the kind of scary reliant on a quick and gory death scene. The music ramps up just enough so that you know exactly when the blade is going to fall. The characters check the door that you're sure the killer will be behind, thus ensuring that the killer won't appear until the room is checked out and the door is closed again. The only time it gets somewhat scary is when it's down to the last woman (the Survivor!) and she's being chased by Jason.

In both movies, there was a moment that seemed to be leading up to a big, gory death scene but ends in just a cut away. Later, the victims are seen as corpses. I wonder if that was planned or if the special effect to kill the person just didn't come out right and so ended up on the cutting room floor?

I'm currently in the middle of Friday the 13th Part III in 3D! This is the era where 3D movies were written around the concept of 3D, so every few minutes, a character throws something or sticks something or knocks something directly into the camera. Even though it's not available in 3D on Netflix (why not?! I have old 3D glasses!), I still make certain to jump when a stick or weapon flies into my face, or act grossed out when a human eyeball or a rat nearly climbs out of my television screen.

The timeline for the movies is weird too! The first one takes place in 1980. Then the second one takes place five years after the 1980 massacre at Camp Crystal Lake. So it's kind of a sci-fi thriller! Taking place four years after the release of the movie! Then the third one takes place the day after the second one. So Saturday the 14th, I guess? Maybe this was a year that had two Friday the 13ths in a row. That happens sometimes, right?

Since this is technically a comic book blog, I should get around to talking about Justice League Dark. I think in this issue, we're going to find out what happened to Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (my favorite!).

Old people and unborn babies? Worst world ever!

Madame Xanadu, Deadman, and Black Orchid meet a winged man in a floating chair named Arif, Lord of Now. No, Lord of Now. No wait, now! No, now! Now?

I don't know. It's one of those nows. But only one of them! Arif points out that where he lives, there is only the one moment but it lasts for eternity and kind of acts like linear time, as everybody may have noticed by the fact that his sentence began with one syllable and ran through a whole bunch more syllables and then ended on a different syllable. Instead of, you know, all of the syllables being blatted out in a bunch. Because of the one moment. So instead of, "I am Arif, Lord of Now!", it probably would have sounded more like "💬!"

They're fed a meal? But if there is no later, how are they going to shit?

Imagine if you were about to sneeze and you were suddenly transported to the Land of Now! You'd spend eternity on the verge of sneezing. How would you get anything done?! What if Madame Xanadu had just sharted from fright as she entered the World of Now? Stuck forever with shitty panties! What if you were orgasming as you entered!? Awesome! And messy!

Madame Xanadu decides to cast a spell to find a way out. It works about as well as you'd expect an incantation that needs to be recited in linear time would work when attempted in a single moment.

There are laws to magic? Why bother?! I thought it was all shortcuts and freebies! You know, as long as you can find some sap to absorb the price.

Madame Xanadu wanders off to spend time with Arif, a guy she's known forever whom she just met. Deadman and Black Orchid decide to go investigate the Beyond Beyond, a place beyond places. No, more beyond. Beyonder than that! Way, way beyond!

Madame Xanadu's date is super boring. Especially since it's mostly Xanadu Narration Boxing how much fun she's having. You would think if there were only the one moment, they'd just get on with the fucking already.

Deadman and Black Orchid encounter a guardian keeping them from the Beyond Beyond. Well, that won't do! It's time for the big fight scene!

Before? Before when? Before now? But that was now!

Before the fight can finish, Deadman sees something coming out of the Beyond Beyond. I bet it's a magic sailing ship full of vampires and demons and monsters and swamp things!

Xanadu kisses Arif and he dies of old age. I knew Madame Xanadu would be the worst at kissing! I think she once did the same thing to Jason Blood! Maybe. I might just be making that up to ruin her reputation.

After Arif dies, Deadman and Black Orchid come surfing in on a big wave of Beyond. And Zatanna winds up in a tree or something.

Justice League Dark #37 Rating: No change. This was the worst chapter of them all "The Amber of the Moment" chapters so far! I didn't feel like I was in a timeless place at all! I just felt like I was in a place where people talked about time as if it didn't exist but it did exist and they were just too stupid to realize it. This issue did remind me that Black Orchid is fucking adorable with those freckles and eyelashes. Also, her name is Alba Garcia. Did we know that yet? Well now we do! No, now we do! No, now! Now?

Arkham Manor #3

I feel ya, Bats!

Friends Update!

Last issue, Jack "The Batman *wink, wink*" Shaw completely failed to solve the Mystery of the Man with the Hole in His Head. But then, Jack Shaw is no Batman *wink wink*!

Now Jack Shaw has a concussion and has been told he must spend the night in the infirmary. Jack Shaw says, "What's an influrmtury?" The doctor says, "Just relax. You took a nasty blow to the head!" And Jack Shaw says, "I'm Batman!" And the doctor says, "Oh, ha ha! You mentally ill people that I secretly call cuckoo wackos behind your backs sure do make me laugh with your insane antics that are mostly fun loving until somebody gets Joker gassed." Then he locks up Jack Shaw in the infirmary.

Just kidding! That was all just the doctor's dream sequence after Jack Shaw knocked him out and stole his clothing so he could go search for clues without being interrupted by regular people just trying to do their jobs who he would have to hurt pretty badly in service to solving his mystery.

This issue is called "Cold Comfort" and it takes place before Batman #36. And I think Batman #36 takes place after the events of Batman Eternal. So this comic book is in the future! Or maybe it's the present while Batman Eternal is the past and Batman is the future? Why do I care? I'm not the crazy person trying to make a timeline of The New 52 Universe! And good thing I'm not since Canonology hasn't been heard from in almost a year! The project must have driven Canonology crazy!

As an employee of Arkham Asylum, it's the little things, like sexy boots, that keep you going.

Jack Shaw finds a clue that leads him into the walls of Arkham Manor. I bet he stumbles onto Jason Todd's secret stash of porn! And maybe some more clues that suggest Zsasz is now living in the walls. I still think the murderer is a master carpenter like I guessed last issue because who else could break through a wall, kill a guy, and then rebuild the wall behind him before being discovered? That doesn't sound like Zsasz!

Meanwhile out front as the guy with the hole in his head is wheeled away by Eric "The Joker *wink wink*" Border and some other orderly, Mr. Headhole's gurney breaks through a hole in the ground. Eric Border rescues him and everything is okay! Maybe whatever Eric sees while down in the hole leads him to the realization that Bruce Wayne is Batman! And that's how The Joker finds out about Batman's secret identity!

Maybe Eric Border really is The Joker during this comic book. Maybe he decided he wanted to learn more about Harley's world by becoming an orderly at Arkham. His plan was to understand Harley better so he could win her back. But then he found out Batman's secret identity and decided that it would be a good joke to show Batman that he figured it out without Lex Luthor's help at all.

Jack Shaw's exploration inside the walls of Arkham Manor lead him to a stabby man with super bright head lamps on his helmet. It's The Spelunker, Batman's newest and most deadly foe! They fight for a little bit but then The Spelunker gets away and Jack Shaw decides to follow a scent of shit and death deeper into the house.

A clue!

Mister Headhole kills the ambulance drivers and escapes while Eric Border deals with the old guy in the wheelchair. It turns out Batman somehow recognized he was Clayface.

I know! That's what I said last issue! How did Batman recognize Clayface but not The Joker?! My feelings would be hurt as well.

The Joker makes sure Clayface swallows a nice, healthy dollop of Joker DNA and then sets Jokerface loose on Arkham Manor. Jokerface? At least it's better than that time Two-Face declared he was One-Face. Holy fuck was that stupid.

Arkham Manor Rating: No change. I wish the White Rabbit were incarcerated in Arkham Manor! What's going on with her? Why hasn't she been in any stories lately? The only time she pops up is as a background character. She's the worst character to have been created since the start of The New 52. You'd think Scott Snyder or Grant Morrison would decide to make her interesting!

FRIENDS UPDATE: Season One, Episode Five
This episode splits the group of friends into three pairs, each with characters that have not really interacted much. It seems to be the entire premise of the episode (also to have Rachel and Ross kiss for the first time) so I'm going to concentrate on another aspect of the show: Ugly Naked Guy.

So there's this character that's never seen by the audience called Ugly Naked Guy. He's a neighbor who apparently hangs out in his apartment fully nude with the shades up and curtains open. The humor is supposedly in what Ugly Naked Guy does while he's naked and ugly. This episode, he was laying tiles, a fairly mundane, adult activity. What Ugly Naked Guy represents is right there in his name. He is the ugly, naked truth of adulthood. The characters observe him from a distance as they confine themselves to the safety of their apartment which represents the limbo world of their twenties. They joke about his activities: Can you believe he's laying tile?! Ha ha! And they always act shocked and disgusted by what they see. That's because they know they are witnessing their future selves. This is what they will one day become as they're finally expelled from their latter stage extended childhood. They revel in seeing somebody else forced into the responsibilities of adulthood as they believe, however wrongly due to the extreme denial capable of twentysomethings, they will never be Ugly Naked Monica. Or Ugly Naked Rachel. Or Ugly Naked Joey. Or Ugly Naked Literal Sack of Potatoes. In the face of their nightmares, all they can do is laugh and make jokes, as would we all do (or have done).

The funniest part of this episode was when Phoebe asked Chandler how many espressos he'd had and he says, "I don't know. A million?!" The humor is found in the profundity of the moment. How does one quantify the successes and the failures in one's life? What is the point of doing so when both the person who drank one million espressos and the person who never tasted one at all will both, eventually, cease to exist? The question is absurd and so Chandler answers it in an absurd fashion. It is also possible he has been driven crazy by the caffeine and the harsh, insane cackle of his girlfriend Janice. And, once again, we see the dark soul in Chandler striving to get out. One day, he will betray these people he calls friends. One day.

Secret Origins #8

Featuring Dick's greatest mid-air poses!

Grayson
We were already told Dick Grayson's Secret Robin Origin. How much more do we need to learn? Are they just going to recap Forever Evil? Will we get to see how Batman coerced Dick into leaving behind everybody he loved to pretend that he was dead and join the amoral organization known as Spyral? All to simply protect Batman's secret identity?

And now after two and a half hours of Comcast Xfinity Gateway bullshit funtime wrist slashing party entertainment, I'm not in any mood to read my comic book! And yet I have to clear the stack because DC Comics has ignored all of my pleas to lighten the schedule and release fewer books per month. In fact, they've increased their book count! It's as if they have no respect for me! No! It's like they have anti-respect for me! What is that? Disrespect? Animosity? That feeling that makes people in video games do that thing after they kill another player where they squat up and down on their face?

DC, if you do not reduce the number of books you publish per month, I will no longer publicly enjoy any of your product! I'm going to remember, as I read each comic book, how I feel every time I hear or read or think the word "Comcast." Hell, even the individual letters in the name are beginning to piss me off! Is it possible to write a review without any "O"s or "A"s?

So this asshole named Dick Grayson was just this guy, you know? And then he had a secret origin! And everybody was aghast! Or thrilled. There was much rejoicing! Or complaining.

Thanks for the unasked for English lesson, you condescending twat. Hey! Did you know "twat" has two definitions?!

Granted, Helena was talking to an irascible, possibly petulant, teenaged student of Saint Hadrian's Finishing School. She also could have been a different adjective than the two I used since she really didn't say much. It's also probable she may have been an employee of the school instead of a student since her clothing didn't look like a school uniform. She also could have been a male instead of a female because I never saw her face.

Matron Bertinelli enters into the Eye of the Spiderweb. That's just a cool way of saying Spyral. As she travels through Spyral's Black Lodge inspired halls, a voice constantly reminds her where she's at. It's all very silly and whimsical so that we get the sense that Mr. Minos has a good sense of humor. That's why I couldn't call Spyral an evil organization earlier. They're just an amoral bunch of pranksters trying to have a good time while maybe making a bit of money, growing in power, and quenching their thirst for world domination. See? They're not all bad.

I bet if you walk through the halls of Comcast, it would sound like entering System Shock. "Look at you, customer. A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and screaming as you run down my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal monopoly?" One time I called up Comcast Customer Service to troubleshoot a problem on my router and a harsh, computerized female voice said, "Your flesh is an insult to the perfection of the digital." Then they hung up and I not only still had router problems but cancer as well. Comcast is the worst!

Helena Bertinelli nominated Dick Grayson to be her new partner after the loss of Agent 25. That was probably her old partner! Her reasons for nominating him are that he's a super hero, he worked with Batman, he has no other familial contacts, and he has a superb, tight, supremely fit, unblemished twenty-one year old ass.

And now we know why Barbara never stood a chance! Let this be a lesson to all you young girls reading this: when you have a crush on a guy, put out immediately or you'll lose him!

That was an interesting page! The Teen Titans did exist before The New 52 Teen Titans existed! They just never came up with a stupid name for their occasional team-ups! Well, Arsenal probably did. Constantly. "We should call ourselves 'The Sex Busters!' No wait, that sounds like we stop sex. How about the 'Youthful Youngsters'? No wait, that's dumber than a sidekick named 'Speedy.' Hey, Dick? You know what that fancy blue and yellow costume needs? A huge fucking collar!"

Helena mentions some other things that would make Dick Grayson a suitable replacement for Agent 25 (who was, admittedly, pretty fucking cool himself! He must have been! His Agent number reads the same upside down as downside up!), like how everybody thinks he's dead and how he isn't dead at all, actually. But Mister Minos has other ideas! Mean ideas! Horrible murdery ideas!

So Dick was present for the entire, um, presentation? So he knows Spyral knows Batman is Bruce Wayne! Mission accomplished? I think?

Without hesitation, Helena puts a crossbow bolt in Dick's forehead. Because surprise! It wasn't really Dick! So mission no longer accomplished! See, it was a ruse! A misdirection! A speculative chicanery! Ha ha! Oh, Mister Spyral! You're a card! A cut-up! A comedian of caliber unmeasured! And because Helena did not hesitate to kill Dick Grayson, she's allowed to have Dick as her pet. Erm, partner!

Mister Spyral (I'll call him that if I want to call him that!) has a good sense of irony. Or something.

And then Dick accepts because Batman told him to accept! And it's happily ever after between Dick and Helena even though Helena doesn't have red hair.

Just give me a monthly title of Batman and Robin stories told from Dick's point of view! Remember when DC Comics was putting the "fun" back into Cofunmic books?! Maybe their slogan was just "We've Made Comics Fun Again." I like mine better.

Grayson Secret Origin Rating: +4 Ranking. I remember when I couldn't stand Dick Grayson. But that was way back when I only knew him in Marv Wolfman's Titans books. Then I missed out on all the comic books where Batman began treating him like an equal and Dick took the mantle of Batman and fucked around with Damian night after night. But because of The New 52, Dick Grayson has become one of my favorite characters. Possibly my favorite character. Maybe. He's kind of boring since he doesn't have super powers but that's his only flaw. And it is a flaw, no matter how many of you are currently shaking your heads and saying, "No! That's what makes him so great!" I won't argue against that! But no super powers? Boring! I might as well read super hero stories starring the guy that makes my burritos for me down at Pepinos!

Animal Man
Animal Man's secret origin was that time he was tricked by the Parliament of Limbs into thinking he was being abducted by aliens so that he'd accept his power better than if a cat just came up to him and said, "Yo, dude. You're like our Avatar and shit. Stop eating meat and start sharing pictures of Pit Bulls on Facebook that claim they're no more violent than other dogs and to think so means you're a racist scumbag." I bet this origin revises that origin because if there is one thing Animal Man has a history of, it's sniffing butts. Also, it's having his origin retconned.

For being the One and Only True Hero of The Red, and being the person that saved its very existence, The Totems didn't think much of him at first, did they?

I guess that's the way when you're The One True Hero. People look at you and think, "Gah! A lowly hobbit! Bullsacks!" Or, "Really? Fucking Ted Theodore Logan? Butt trauma!" Or, "A stubborn brat of a girl that can shoot a bow? Holocaust jokes!" Maybe one even goes, "A drunken Edward Scissorhands? I didn't really see all of those pirate movies so maybe not?!"

Buddy Baker was just a lowly stand-in for the real Avatar of the Red, Maxine Baker! But if you had a little kid in charge of the animal kingdom, you'd have a lot of weird stuff going on. Like she'd probably allow penguins to fly because they seemed so sad grounded on the Earth. But she'd forget to teach them not to dive into the water from a great height and they'd break all of their little bird bones trying to catch fish and then all the penguins would be dead in a matter of minutes. And she'd probably be upset that lions and tigers were eating other animals, so she'd give them lollipops and licorice to eat and they'd all die of malnutrition. So to prevent Maxine from accidentally ending all animal life on the planet, Buddy took the job.

And eventually, Buddy's position became permanent and Maxine was free from her obligation!

And that's the end of The Red's Horatio Alger story. I hope the slug is the next Animal Man!

Animal Man Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a retelling of the entire Animal Man series which I'd already read! So it was of little interest to me. It could have at least given me some new information, like how long Buddy Baker's penis is and if he occasionally likes to put it inside other animals.

Katana
Dammit! I was hoping to get this commentary finished within the next half hour so I could post it before watching Gotham and then heading off to work. But that was before I realized it was about Katana and that it was written by Ann Nocenti! I can't rush this! I have to give it my full concentration! I guess I'll pause here and get back to this after work. Don't worry! You won't notice any difference! In fact, you can continue immediately with the next paragraph!

I'm back! Wasn't that a painless wait? Well, now get ready for some painlessless writing! Do two "less"es make a "ful"?

I don't remember Katana's origin. Something about a sword that steals souls and her dead husband Maseo or something. I'm sure this origin will be much more exciting and I'll, if I'm lucky, remember it forever!

The first line of Ann Nocenti's first Narration Box is "The ghost towns of the Old West." Ooh! Guess what time it is, kids!

Special Old West edition!

"Hey kids! Have you ever heard of g-g-g-g-ghost towns?! Pretty spooky, right?! Well, don't be too scared! They aren't towns full of ghosts like you might imagine! They're actually towns that died (ooooh! scary!) because the railroad passed them by or sometimes the water just up and dried up on them (funny how that happens in desert landscapes, right kids?!). And sometimes they were Boom Towns striking it rich on the gold found in mines nearby only to become Bust Towns when the mother lode stopped bearing nuggets! Sometimes they just became lawless hellholes and everybody fled! There were many ways to become a ghost town in the Old West! And just imagine the names of these towns! What's that? Oh! You don't have too! Aunt Nocenti has a list for you! Places like Grinder Gulch and Gravebone Yard and Hopeless Junction and Buzzard's Bend! Pretty exciting times! Now all you good little children take my knowledge at face value and don't go fact checking it, okay! If there's one place you can trust the truth, it's at The Knowledge Fun Farm!"

Katana is currently leading a girl possessed by a demon down some train tracks. When are they going to play poker? This story was called "Full Deck". Maybe they're going to hit a party with most of the action taking place out back on the wooden structure attached to the house! It's almost certainly one of those two things. Unless, and this probably isn't even close to the mark, it has to do with somebody's sanity!

The demon is Mona Shard and she's currently in the body of a little girl (although the little girl isn't so little. Maybe Mona Shard made her look more adult so the tons of sex she was having wouldn't be so weird). Mona Shard thinks being in the body of a little girl makes her safe but Katana points out that the little girl isn't really worth saving. Because, as Katana says, "she's a bully. A novice in the art of sadism. A bad seed." I'm sure glad Katana says everything three times so that I'm sure to understand one of them!

Mona Shard is a whiny little bitch.

Katana gets tired of hearing Mona and the girl whose body she's in squabbling. So she says, "Two brats fighting over who's the bigger brat? Don't kids get to have childhoods anymore?" I wish Katana had said each of those sentences three ways because I don't understand what she's getting at! They're acting like children but they haven't had a childhood? Oh wait! I think it's profound! I only know that because I don't understand it, so it must be philosophy!

Katana tells Mona Shard her Secret Origin story about how she liked collectible card games. She also liked forcing brothers to compete for her affection. The only way to collect the weapon cards she was currently collecting was to wait for a visit from the Ghost Train full of Living Weapon Freaks! It was a super tough set to finish!

I'm sure this is some kind of metaphor for how the Soultaker Sword tore the Tatsu, Maseo, and Takeo apart since it's just a story being told by Katana. Because as a true story, it's fucking ridiculous!

Later, Tatsu gets some wise advice from an old man. I know it's wise because it's so stupid. Tatsu takes it all in and promises to eat more carrots. I think that's some kind of perverse old man innuendo.

After the story, the Ghost Train reappears! Katana stabs Mona Shard and the train at the same time and Mona Shard winds up on the Ghost Train. But she doesn't have a card? After that, Katana and the bully become best friends and go on to have many wild adventures in the old west. The end!

Katana Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I hated it so much that it was the best Ann Nocenti story in a long while! I bet it would make sense if I thought about it but who wants to ruin such a magical ghost trainwreck of a story! I wonder if she gave an interview with somebody where she explains the story she wanted to tell before fucking it all up in the script?

Infinity Man and the Forever People #6

Doesn't the title of this comic book make it sound like it should be more profound?

Friends Update!

Is this a Godhead tie-in because after the disaster on New Genesis, the Forever People Summer Exchange Program will be canceled? That's too bad because the Forever People have a lot more to learn from human beings. Like how to never give up! Or how to love unconditionally! Or how to always make the third thing in a list a joke! Humans! So predictable! And, um, special! Like nothing else in the universe!

By this point, I think most of DC's readers agree with you, Guy.

B'dg, Xbox One, Grill Face, and Guy Gardner just watch as the Forever People touch their Mother Box and scream, "Taaru!" What else can they do? I don't believe there is an intergalactic law against touching your Mother Box. There probably should be. But until then, the Green Lanterns know better than to shoot first and allow the Grand Jury not to indict later.

I think if I were more with it, as the kids say, this is where I'd make some kind of a Grindr joke.

Apparently Infinity Man isn't some kind of cosmic super hero but a cosmic therapist. He begins psychoanalyzing Guy Gardner which is probably the one thing above all other things you should do if you want to piss off Guy Gardner. Also all those other things would still probably piss off Guy Gardner. He is wearing a Red Ring for a reason.

B'dg, Xbox One, and Grill Face do a thing I've never seen Green Lanterns do although I've seen every character in every fucking cartoon in the eighties do it (and at least one in the seventies!): they join together to create a giant robot. They decide to make this one look like Darkseid which is probably something I didn't have to type since I already scanned the cover. Infinity Man just grows in size to match the construct, and Guy Gardner flies up into the construct's head to help pilot the thing. Mostly he wants to pilot the construct's fists and he wants to navigate them into Infinity Man's face.

Also, just so everybody remembers that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I made the fist comment before turning the page to the double splash page of Guy making the construct punch Infinity Man. Sure, y'all expected that would happen. What else is going to happen with Guy at the helm (I mean other than Infinity Man knocking him out in one punch)? But I just needed everybody to know that I said that it would happen and it happened exactly like I said it would happen. None of you said it would happen that way! You were all just thinking, "How could I have guessed that was going to happen when I'm smart enough not to bother even reading Infinity Man and the Forever People?"

Ugh! My Xbox One does this all the time when I'm trying to join a game with my friends! Stupid Xbox One! Do what you were designed to do and stop acting shocked that I'm asking you to do something you were designed to do!

During the brawl, King Faraday gets knocked unconscious. Is this a Futures End tie-in as well? Maybe it's not King Faraday. Maybe it's just some other pimp.

Of course it's King Faraday. Dan Didio desperately needs all of DC's stories to be somehow interconnected.

After Infinity Man does whatever he does to King Faraday (probably X-Rated), the Forever People chat over some coffee. It seems when they merge, they all get to share thoughts with each other and with Infinity Man. So they know what they have to do if they're ever going to be free of Infinity Man: kill Highfather!

Well, sure, but then you'll have to kill Darkseid too, right? Infinity Man doesn't like anybody with free will! He thinks we should all just lie down and succumb to the universe's will! He's an idiot, that guy.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #6 Rating: No change. While this was probably a pretty decent issue because it was mostly a Green Lantern issue starring Guy Gardner, it still wasn't compelling enough for me to recommend it to anybody. Ever.

FRIENDS UPDATE: Season One, Episode Four
This episode follows two of the friends as their pasts come back to haunt them: Rachel and Ross. Rachel is visited by some of her rich friends early in the episode which makes her realize that the life she has found herself living is actually a scary, indeterminate place. Her sudden revelation that she had lost the safety of her rich parents' upper class bubble slaps her across the face like a road weary lot lizard stiffed one time too many. It's her first inkling of the existential despair that infuses so much of the twenty-something lifestyle. It's not surprising that the entire scene is punctuated by the joyful screams of her friends as they learn about each one of their seeming successes in life. Rachel is also screaming internally as each of her friends' successes punctuates the sudden chasm of adulthood she hadn't quite noticed looming beneath her. A few times during this episode, credit card companies call to check in on her, just to remind her how lost she's become, and how far afield she's roamed away from security. While spending the night with her friends, instead of them making her feel better, she drags them down into the fear of the future with her. Phoebe describes Rachel as Jack of "Jack and the Beanstalk" at one point, and it's an adept analogy. Rachel has lost her cow, a symbol of stability and sustenance, and found herself with only a few scattered beans which she hopes are magic. The beans are her friends, of course.

The other half of the episode sees Joey and Chandler taking Ross with them to a hockey game to try to cheer him up. But he remains, as ever, a literal sack of potatoes. Ross's past has come back to haunt him as the day is the anniversary of the day he lost his virginity to the woman that would later become his lesbian wife. Ross is still mired in the past. He cannot get past his failed attempt at adulthood. While the others are happy to live in denial of adulthood and responsibility rushing headlong toward them, Ross cannot ignore it for he tried to live it immediately out of high school. This is probably why he is never any fun to be around and brings every scene to a grinding halt as the viewer thinks, "Why did somebody put a sweater on that literal sack of potatoes?" The revelation that Ross has only slept with one woman in the last seven years exposes something about his character that was not so readily apparent in earlier episodes: he is the male counterpart to Rachel's character. He is also a Newborn Babe to the group. He has been in stasis for seven years and is just entering the limbo of his twenties, just as Rachel is just now joining the limbo of her twenties having lost the safety net of wealth and class.

This episode constitutes a shedding of the skin of Rachel and Ross. They are learning to leave behind the warmth and safety of their previous lives, leaving them in the cold, brutal, emotionally draining real world. But now they have hope for something better even if seeking it out can be scary and risky. And they have their more experienced friends to help guide them by taking them to sporting events and getting them drunk at home as they peep through neighbors' windows.

The funniest moment in this episode is when Ross is struck in the nose by a hockey puck. It is a stark and sudden reminder that they are all lost in an uncaring and completely random universe. Hilarious.

Green Lantern Annual #3

Does DC really think every comic book cover's "The New 52!" deserves the exclamation point? Really?

I guess just Robert Venditti got to write the end of Godhead. At least that should keep the wrap up coherent. Hell, it's kind of sad that I'll be happy with merely coherent! I really want to be amazed by the way the Lanterns pull off a victory! I want to be left picking my pants up off the floor and saying, "Golly gee whiz, that was pretty darn clever of them." Then I'll nod appreciatively, slip my dick back into my underwear, and pass out on the floor next to my semen caked and drying in the fibers of the rug.

Ugh, you know what. That was a horrible image with which to begin my "review!" I apologize to everybody for putting that image into the world. I would never ejaculate right onto the carpet! I've got a crusty towel for that. I mean, sure, sometimes I'm so pent up that I overshoot my mark and splash semen across my comic book boxes or the cat tower or, if she's unlucky, the cat herself. But I do try desperately to not masturbate directly into the carpet! What am I? Some kind of vile, filthy animal?

I'm sure glad none of my family care enough about me to read my blog! How embarrassing if they were to read these accounts of my life! I mean, obviously they're all fictional! But still, I don't need my mom thinking that my apartment is covered in jizz.

Speaking of my mother, I should probably call her tomorrow and wish her a Happy New Year!

This issue begins where Green Lantern last left off and hasn't been mentioned in any of the other Godhead Chapters. Hal Jordan and Black Hand are still confronting Orion at the Source Wall. Black Hand had just discovered that the Source Wall was a gigantic graveyard. Anybody else get the feeling that he's going to have them join the Black Lanterns?

And isn't this where Futures End: Green Lantern #1 began?! With nearly this exact same situation minus Orion?!

Oh great. If I have to hear Relic whine about Peak Spectrum Light one more time, I'm going to eat some cookies. Because that will help me get over having to listen to that windbag.

The BOOM Tube that opens at the Source Wall is the one which Sinestro flew into in Sinestro #8. But before Highfather's armies can march into the BOOM Tube like they did in the last panel of Sinestro #8, Metron informs Highfather that the BOOM Tube opened in the wrong location. Whew! I was worried The New Gods didn't have that kind of safety technology. Sinestro grabs up Hal Jordan and company and they all return to New Genesis for the upcoming peace talks.

Black Hand's Source Wall Army begins the negotiations by slaughtering dozens of Highfather's best men. Highfather counters by standing in shock and saying, "This is madness!" Black Hand escalates the talks by isolating Lightray and trying to convince him that he's lucky to have had such a limited role in this series. Orion doesn't care for that tactic and blows the brains out of Black Hand's tallest soldier. After that point, the whole peace talk thing kind of falls apart.

The other Lanterns use the diversion to wait around for the Bohemian Guardians to reveal their plan. So far, all they've revealed is that Kyle Rayner didn't lose the Life Equation to Highfather. Well, that's not much of a plan.

And then Black Hand's army begins to resurrect which is the worst news because now Relic is going to start bitching again.

No! You shut up, Relic! No more pseudo-scientific theories from you!

Guy, Simon, and John free the rest of the Lanterns from the Singularity Stockade as Kyle fights a battle of wills to wrest the White Light back from Highfather. Lots of things get punched along the way.

And then Hal finally comes along to say what everybody else has been saying but in just that right tone of voice to get Highfather to listen.

What? Darkseid? That's crazy!

The Bohemian Guardians still haven't mentioned their plan. So Kyle decides to come up with his own plan once Highfather gives back the Life Equation because he doesn't want somebody else calling him Darkseid. That was just mean and it really hurt his feelings.

Kyle turns into a white light being and flies up into the sky to tell everyone the good news about The Source Wall. Saint Walker watches and says something like, "I hope this works!" And then the Blue Ring goes, "What? Hope? You show great hope dude! Wear me!" And Saint Walker is all, "Get on my cock, gorgeous!"

The Source Titans hear the good news and depart for more Source Wallian places. But that still leaves New Genesis plummeting out of the skies! Who can save The New Gods?! Or, as Sinestro puts it, "Who the fuck would want to save these assholes? Let's finish them now!"

Luckily for the New Gods, nobody ever listens to Sinestro.

All could have been well Goddamned months ago, you slacker!

With Saint Walker's help (and hardly anybody else's!), Hal Jordan puts New Genesis down safely on the ground. Everybody lived! Well, everybody with a name that's seen as somewhat important lived! The war is over! And all it took was for somebody to call Highfather Darksied!

Hmm. My jaw is not on the floor. Nor are my pants! And I'm not saying anything about the resolution being clever! What's going on? This was the big surprise finale, right?! Is there more to it somehow?

Spit on him, Hal! Spit right in his mouth!

Hal accepts Highfather's apology and they become allies in the fight for good. Or something. Whatever. Fuck these stupid cosmic crises! From now on DC, before beginning a cosmic crisis, write the ending. Have your writers come up with a fucking fantastic, crazy amazing solution to the threat! That way when somebody pitches a story, it doesn't wind up being "The New Gods battle all of the Lantern Corps for control of the Life Equation so that Highfather can defeat Darkseid. But when Hal Jordan finally calls Highfather Darkseid, he realizes the error of his ways and everybody makes peace." Does that sound like the appropriate solution to a fucking war? No it fucking does not!

Here's my version of Godhead for free:

Highfather: "I must stop Darkseid at all costs!"
Hal Jordan: "You're Darkseid!"
Highfather: "*spit take* WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

The entire series ends with Mogo finally getting his ring back and not saying, "What the fuck? You can't let me borrow one of the fucking Peak Spectrum assholes' rings? They aren't even using them! Or you couldn't fucking create a ring for me the way Sinestro created one for Hal? Fuck you guys! Fuck you right in your tiny little orifices! I'm taking my planet and I'm going home."

And on the final page, some big clawed hand breaks out of the Source Wall and a tag line says, "Coming in 2015: Another fucking Cosmic Crisis!"

Green Lantern Annual #3 Rating: Writers need to learn how to end things.







Um. Was that an acceptable ending?!

Sinestro #8

And all alone, Sinestro defeats everybody and becomes King of the Universe.

In the last issue of Godhead, the Bohemian Guardians had just come up with a plan! But they didn't have enough panels left to explain their plan. But now they're going to explain their plan. Although it's quite possible, considering the way comic books work, that they won't explain their plan until Green Lantern Annual #3. It doesn't matter to me though. As soon as they announced they had a plan and Red Lanterns ended before they could tell it, I lost interest in it. If Charles Soule had thought it up, it probably would have been a terrific plan. It would have involved a lot of talking but it would have been interesting. Am I supposed to trust that Venditti or Van Jensen or Bunn can come up with a foolproof way to defeat the New Gods? Well, I guess I trust two thirds of that group. And only one third because I practically know him. The other one I trust because he kept Demon Knights interesting and fun. But the other third, the one I'm going to call "Bullen Cunn," I don't trust at all.

This issue begins with Sinestro skulking about New Genesis.

There it is again! A Blue Lantern! But there are no more Blue Lanterns! Have the editors of this comic book been following the convoluted history of the Lantern Corps at all?

The Blue Lantern isn't the worst mistake on the first two pages of this comic book either! Although it's the only one that matters to most people. The other mistake probably only matters to Martin Coccolo and his mother since his name was spelled incorrectly in the credits. Whoops! I hope he still gets royalties!

Sinestro is on the hunt for a Mother Box that he can use against The New Gods. The main problem with that plan is that all of the Mother Boxes are attuned to a specific user. Bah! Rules and regulations! Those are Sinestro's forte! He can bend them to his will because he is a natural born dictator! Use rules and regulations against him? Against Sinestro?! Don't make me and Sinestro laugh!

Does Sinestro ever laugh? Um, anyway, don't make me laugh for Sinestro then! Ha! I will laugh so loudly and so long that you will think that Sheldon has just made a fairly innocuous comment!

Sinestro can't quite make heads or tails of the Mother Box but he now knows that it links to some sort of central battery which he believes he can use. As he searches for it, he finds a homeless Star Sapphire ring and follows it on its way to Carol Ferris's finger. Well that was convenient, wasn't it? After she used up all the power in her ring, a new ring can't tell that she's already been chosen? Or is this her old ring that was conveniently recharged by Hyalt? Thanks, Hyalt! And what about John Stewart? What happened to his Star Sapphire ring? Is he too embarrassed to wear it around the other green lanterns?

At some point, are the cosmic "good" people ever actually going to be good and not just an opposing version of the "bad" people?

Hey DC! You can get another weekly out of this! Another World's End! It can be just like the Earth-2 World's End except on Main Earth and with Highfather and his armies destroying everything!

Sinestro walks into Highfather's war room to parlay. That's what pirates call talking, at least right up until somebody takes umbrage with part of the talking and begins stabbing. In this particular parlay, the umbrage takes place when Highfather calls Sinestro a "jester." Uh oh! Them's fightin' words!

Basically Sinestro's response to the Jester comment is, "I'm a jester?! You're a jester!"

Highfather knocks the Parallax out of Sinestro just as Despotellis arrives for a new assignment. His new assignment is to infiltrate the Central Mother Box and reprogram the BOOM Tube coordinates. So instead of heading to Earth, the New Gods are going to probably the scariest place in the universe! Um, I don't know where that would be.

Highfather opens the BOOM Tube and Sinestro flies through first followed by Highfather's armies. Doesn't he have some way to make sure the tube opened in the correct location before he sends his armies blindly in? I guess Sinestro said Highfather's arrogance would be his downfall.

Also, notice how the Bohemian Guardians didn't mention any sort of plan?! Losers.

Sinestro #8 Rating: No change. Godhead is almost over! I don't mind if characters from the DC Universe battle New Gods but at least have them battling the evil ones! Why is it good beings have so much trouble acting good? Do they not know of kindness or compassion? It seems like everybody who thinks they're good just falls over and over again not to power but to fear. Scared people will do anything if they think it will somehow keep them or their family or even just their possessions safe. Kind people constantly turn into monsters when they're overwhelmed by fear. So now all I truly know about Highfather's characterization in The New 52 is that he's a fucking coward that is trembling in his boots awaiting the day that Darkseid descends on New Genesis to wipe the floor with him.

You know what would have been a good story? Just like Batman went to Apokolips to rub Darkseid's nose in his own filth, Grayson should take a trip to New Genesis to teach Highfather how to care!