Infinity Man and the Forever People #6

Doesn't the title of this comic book make it sound like it should be more profound?

Friends Update!

Is this a Godhead tie-in because after the disaster on New Genesis, the Forever People Summer Exchange Program will be canceled? That's too bad because the Forever People have a lot more to learn from human beings. Like how to never give up! Or how to love unconditionally! Or how to always make the third thing in a list a joke! Humans! So predictable! And, um, special! Like nothing else in the universe!

By this point, I think most of DC's readers agree with you, Guy.

B'dg, Xbox One, Grill Face, and Guy Gardner just watch as the Forever People touch their Mother Box and scream, "Taaru!" What else can they do? I don't believe there is an intergalactic law against touching your Mother Box. There probably should be. But until then, the Green Lanterns know better than to shoot first and allow the Grand Jury not to indict later.

I think if I were more with it, as the kids say, this is where I'd make some kind of a Grindr joke.

Apparently Infinity Man isn't some kind of cosmic super hero but a cosmic therapist. He begins psychoanalyzing Guy Gardner which is probably the one thing above all other things you should do if you want to piss off Guy Gardner. Also all those other things would still probably piss off Guy Gardner. He is wearing a Red Ring for a reason.

B'dg, Xbox One, and Grill Face do a thing I've never seen Green Lanterns do although I've seen every character in every fucking cartoon in the eighties do it (and at least one in the seventies!): they join together to create a giant robot. They decide to make this one look like Darkseid which is probably something I didn't have to type since I already scanned the cover. Infinity Man just grows in size to match the construct, and Guy Gardner flies up into the construct's head to help pilot the thing. Mostly he wants to pilot the construct's fists and he wants to navigate them into Infinity Man's face.

Also, just so everybody remembers that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I made the fist comment before turning the page to the double splash page of Guy making the construct punch Infinity Man. Sure, y'all expected that would happen. What else is going to happen with Guy at the helm (I mean other than Infinity Man knocking him out in one punch)? But I just needed everybody to know that I said that it would happen and it happened exactly like I said it would happen. None of you said it would happen that way! You were all just thinking, "How could I have guessed that was going to happen when I'm smart enough not to bother even reading Infinity Man and the Forever People?"

Ugh! My Xbox One does this all the time when I'm trying to join a game with my friends! Stupid Xbox One! Do what you were designed to do and stop acting shocked that I'm asking you to do something you were designed to do!

During the brawl, King Faraday gets knocked unconscious. Is this a Futures End tie-in as well? Maybe it's not King Faraday. Maybe it's just some other pimp.

Of course it's King Faraday. Dan Didio desperately needs all of DC's stories to be somehow interconnected.

After Infinity Man does whatever he does to King Faraday (probably X-Rated), the Forever People chat over some coffee. It seems when they merge, they all get to share thoughts with each other and with Infinity Man. So they know what they have to do if they're ever going to be free of Infinity Man: kill Highfather!

Well, sure, but then you'll have to kill Darkseid too, right? Infinity Man doesn't like anybody with free will! He thinks we should all just lie down and succumb to the universe's will! He's an idiot, that guy.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #6 Rating: No change. While this was probably a pretty decent issue because it was mostly a Green Lantern issue starring Guy Gardner, it still wasn't compelling enough for me to recommend it to anybody. Ever.

FRIENDS UPDATE: Season One, Episode Four
This episode follows two of the friends as their pasts come back to haunt them: Rachel and Ross. Rachel is visited by some of her rich friends early in the episode which makes her realize that the life she has found herself living is actually a scary, indeterminate place. Her sudden revelation that she had lost the safety of her rich parents' upper class bubble slaps her across the face like a road weary lot lizard stiffed one time too many. It's her first inkling of the existential despair that infuses so much of the twenty-something lifestyle. It's not surprising that the entire scene is punctuated by the joyful screams of her friends as they learn about each one of their seeming successes in life. Rachel is also screaming internally as each of her friends' successes punctuates the sudden chasm of adulthood she hadn't quite noticed looming beneath her. A few times during this episode, credit card companies call to check in on her, just to remind her how lost she's become, and how far afield she's roamed away from security. While spending the night with her friends, instead of them making her feel better, she drags them down into the fear of the future with her. Phoebe describes Rachel as Jack of "Jack and the Beanstalk" at one point, and it's an adept analogy. Rachel has lost her cow, a symbol of stability and sustenance, and found herself with only a few scattered beans which she hopes are magic. The beans are her friends, of course.

The other half of the episode sees Joey and Chandler taking Ross with them to a hockey game to try to cheer him up. But he remains, as ever, a literal sack of potatoes. Ross's past has come back to haunt him as the day is the anniversary of the day he lost his virginity to the woman that would later become his lesbian wife. Ross is still mired in the past. He cannot get past his failed attempt at adulthood. While the others are happy to live in denial of adulthood and responsibility rushing headlong toward them, Ross cannot ignore it for he tried to live it immediately out of high school. This is probably why he is never any fun to be around and brings every scene to a grinding halt as the viewer thinks, "Why did somebody put a sweater on that literal sack of potatoes?" The revelation that Ross has only slept with one woman in the last seven years exposes something about his character that was not so readily apparent in earlier episodes: he is the male counterpart to Rachel's character. He is also a Newborn Babe to the group. He has been in stasis for seven years and is just entering the limbo of his twenties, just as Rachel is just now joining the limbo of her twenties having lost the safety net of wealth and class.

This episode constitutes a shedding of the skin of Rachel and Ross. They are learning to leave behind the warmth and safety of their previous lives, leaving them in the cold, brutal, emotionally draining real world. But now they have hope for something better even if seeking it out can be scary and risky. And they have their more experienced friends to help guide them by taking them to sporting events and getting them drunk at home as they peep through neighbors' windows.

The funniest moment in this episode is when Ross is struck in the nose by a hockey puck. It is a stark and sudden reminder that they are all lost in an uncaring and completely random universe. Hilarious.

Green Lantern #19

This must be Volthoom's wet reality for Sinestro.

At the end of last issue, Hal Jordan was about to kill himself so he could become the greatest Black Lantern that ever didn't live. But now he's spending time gabbing with Tomar-Re because he seems to be having second thoughts. Which is odd for Hal Jordan since he so rarely ever has a first thought. I guess Pauline Fleming, the counselor at Westerburg High, really was serious that whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decision a person can make. At least Hal thinks so because he's actually discussing it with Tomar-Re instead of barreling over the cliff and killing himself immediately.

Hal probably would have gone through with it immediately but Tomar-Re is a member of the Grey Lantern Corps which uses Doubt as their weapon. So now Hal is having second thoughts about killing himself to escape the Dead Zone. And outside of the Dead Zone, Sinestro uses his new fake Green Lantern Ring to teleport away to look for Volthoom.

First off, that's a totally inappropriate sound effect for teleportation. Second off, I didn't think Green Lantern's could teleport. Isn't that just an Indigo power? Not that I haven't done my own fanboy reasoning for why Green Lanterns should be able to teleport! I'm just trying to stick to the Lantern Corps Rules DC has made!

Sinestro ends up on Korugar where he asks for help from Arsona. Do all the people of Korugar have menacing names when read in English? Is there a Manslaughteru? How about a Molestron? Sodomolor? Viciousera? Arsona actually decides to help Sinestro gear up to fight the Guardians simply because this is the first time Sinestro has ever reached out and asked for help. She's impressed that he's learned humility and is willing to save the universe with him. Except that's when Volthoom appears and claims Sinestro is going to save the universe with him instead. That claim seems suspect.

For having the greatest turmoil, he has the least amount of detail in his past timeline montage.

I wonder if Volthoom's Korugarian name is Rapethoom? Because now it's time for him to rape Sinestro just like he's raped all of the other main characters in the Green Lantern titles. Except for Atrocitus. For some reason, he didn't want any of that big beast. I wonder if people from Ryutt have teeth lining their anal sphincters? Instead of rearranging Atrocitus's past, he simply told Atrocitus what it might have been like and Atrocitus went, "Oh my god! I'm a monster!" But now it looks like Volthoom is back to his magic of making the person actually experience the new past (as temporary as it might be. Although Volthoom did suck down the Guardian's Heart of Emotion thing in Red Lanterns. So he should be practically filled up with power now). Volthoom sends Sinestro back to a timeline where he never became a Green Lantern. Sinestro will probably find it a pretty good reality since Volthoom's Rape Therapy generally leaves the victim feeling pretty good about his or her choices.

Oh wait. I take it back. Volthoom is simply talking Sinestro through some what could have beens and then he threatens to kill Arsona. And then I think Sinestro is the first of the batch to not take Volthoom's shit.

I know some others have repelled his advances but I think Sinestro is the first to actually take a shot at him.

Volthoom decides to crack open Korugar and fuck the shit out of it since Sinestro is fighting back. But the one thing you don't fuck with if your an intergalactic super rapist from another time and place is Sinestro's homeworld. Sinestro saves his people and fills them with hope. But since Volthoom feeds on Fear and Hope, he feeds off of the Korugarians which give him enough power to change reality so that Sinestro didn't save Korugar. Which means Volthoom never fed off of the Korugarians' Hope and never gained enough power to change reality. Which means he didn't destroy the planet which means the Korugarians were filled with Hope which means Volthoom fed on them and destroyed Korugar. I can do this all day!

Anyway, Korugar is destroyed. Sinestro is a failure. And Volthoom now has the power to alter reality permanently.

Hopefully the first thing Volthoom does is bring back Ted Kord.

Well DC Universe, it was nice knowing you! Now that Volthoom can change reality whenever and however he wants, nothing can stop him. Unless somebody knows some kind of logic riddle that will send him into a paradoxical time loop from which he can never recover. I believe G'nort knows something like that.

Because the Dead Zone is flooded with millions of Korugarians, Hal Jordan realizes he has to act now. He leaps to his death. Meanwhile in space, Sinestro finds his Yellow Lantern Battery floating amidst the rubble of his home and somehow thinks becoming a Yellow Lantern again will enable him to battle somebody that can just change reality so that Sinestro never found the Yellow Lantern Battery.

Green Lantern #19 Rating: +3 Rating. I give out +1 and +2 ratings all of the time for good books and well told stories. But I have to do better for an issue of Green Lantern where Hal Jordan kills himself. I think I might be Volthoom because this is the reality I've always wanted! So now along with Matu Ba and Damian Wayne and Bloody Mary and Tig and Jack Ryder and Cliff Baker and Stormwatch (kind of), Hal Jordan has also died! That's a lot of people dying lately and I'm pretty sure I missed a few.

Green Lantern #16

Would the inclusion of B'dg make this cover too silly? If you're going to seriously include a space squirrel in your drama, at least allow him on the cover in serious moments.

The very first text box in Green Lantern #16 says, "This takes place before Green Lantern Corps #16." You know what would have been helpful seeing as how both Green Lantern Corps #16 and Green Lantern #16 came out the same week? If Green Lantern Corps had begun with a box saying it took place after Green Lantern #16! At least Green Lantern Corps #16 didn't rely too heavily on plot points that the reader couldn't extrapolate for himself after the events of Green Lantern #15. But this is still an example of the DC Editors fucking up. Very slightly. But still! A fuck up!

What a sassy space squirrel.

For an organization that's millions of years old (unless it's just thousands), you'd think they'd be prepared for recruitment better than they are. B'dg acts like this is the first time a Green Lantern has received a ring without proper training. The way the ring recruits, you would suspect this to be the norm. It's not like the battery goes flying about with the ring on the trip to find a new bearer. How many recruits are killed without realizing the ring can run out of power and decide to take a short flight through space when the power gives out? There are some severe safety issues with this item. And the Guardians are way too pompous to care. Bastards.

Somebody finally believes that Simon Baz is innocent of the terrorism charge and it's a good thing it's an FBI agent. Agent Fed makes a call in to Waller to let her now not to worry about the new Green Lantern while Simon and B'dg head off to find Simon's Battery. And maybe look for Hal Jordan a little bit.

I thought the Green Lanterns stopped shoving their batteries into pocket dimensions? And if they can do that with the ring, why can't they teleport like the Indigo Lanterns? Accessing a single spot in a pocket dimension from anywhere in space seems like just a minor step away from using the ring to teleport?

Because Simon Baz is smart enough to realize this whole Green Lantern Corps has a fuckload of flaws in its system, he decides to carry a gun as well. Because if you really want to feel safe, nothing better than wearing a gun on your hip! Although to truly feel safe, you don't want any guns on anybody else's hips especially if they have brown skin and Arabic tattoos or look like they belong in NWA. I'm pretty sure most hypocrites in the NRA wouldn't feel bad about a law that banned minorities from owning guns. Because whether it's being said or not, you know there is a lot of racial motivation in play for a lot of pro-gun people. Now me? I'm just glad that fucking squirrel isn't packing.

With B'dg's help, Simon Baz finally extricates the two messages from the ring. They don't actually give him any pointers on becoming a Green Lantern. I wonder if there is a third message that usually plays, kind of like one of those old educational films that were often ludicrous and offensive by today's standards. The message from Hal Jordan tells Baz (and B'dg) that the Guardians are fucking cuckoo but Hal thinks he knows how to help them. He also mentions that he and Sinestro were sucked into The Black Hand's ring. Oh? Is that where they went? I had no idea! And then he finishes up with some nonsense about how much he loves Carol Ferris. No, no you don't, Hal Jordan. You just love the idea of having a normal love affair while being allowed to gallivant across the galaxy punching aliens in the face (unless their genitals look like their faces and then Hal punches them in the genitals).

And then Simon taps into Sinestro's message.

Yeah, I don't think Arkillo will be much help anymore. He and his new best friend Saint Walker are doing just fine without Sinestro.

I like Sinestro's plan better than Hal Jordan's plan. I was really hoping that this crossover would obliterate the Guardians of the Universe once and for all. I suppose the core group of Guardians will be defeated or changed by Indigo Power Rings and the normal Guardian Duties will be taken up by the Bohemian group of Guardians that were guarding the first Green Lantern. The other thing I really like about the mix of messages is how Simon Baz is the one guy on Earth most like both Hal and Sinestro. So he has a good mix of their qualities. Hopefully he has all of their bad qualities! Then he'd be an arrogant idiot that demands order at any cost.

Except create F-18 missiles. You have to use it to steal those.

After telling Simon that the ring can do anything he wills it to, B'dg has to quickly backtrack and eat his words after Simon tries to use it to cure his comatose brother-in-law. "Oh, um, yeah. Did I forget to mention it doesn't work to heal things? Kind of need a Blue Lantern for that. Whoops!" But Simon believes with all of his might like no other Green Lantern has ever believed before! Because he's got the best qualities of Hal Jordan and Sinestro. He has the power to truly get the most out of the ring like Sinestro. And he doesn't listen to or believe the rules laid out before him like Hal Jordan. He has the imagination and the ability and could, quite possibly, be the strongest Green Lantern yet.

I like this second panel quite a bit. Earlier, Simon interrupted Sira before she could call B'dg a squirrel and said, "He's a Green Lantern." It's a nice moment to see a group of people that are probably constantly being judged by their race living in Dearborn show respect to a flying space squirrel by acknowledging what he is instead of what he looks like. This is in contrast to Agent Fed calling B'dg a squirrel and a chipmunk. And, um, in contrast to me as well. Fuck you for trying to make me feel guilty, Geoff Johns! It didn't work! I don't know how to feel guilty!

While in the hospital, B'dg catches a news report of Guy Gardner in police custody. What would the world of comic books do without the ever present news program feeding them information? They head off to save Guy Gardner before looking for Hal Jordan.

While I was typing that last paragraph, I'd set the comic book down with it open to the last page which I hadn't read yet. And as I glanced over, I saw the dark hooded figure from last issue that was confronting Hal and Sinestro in the Dead Zone (or inside the Black Ring, apparently). His hood is now off and I just thought, "Tomar-Re?"

I had no idea he was dead.

Green Lantern #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. This whole issue was nicely paced and served well to help establish Simon Baz as the next big deal Green Lantern. I already like him a bajillion times better than I like Hal Jordan.

Green Lantern Corps #16

I'm tired of using doors too! If there's one thing I've learned from comic books, if you're in a hurry, just bust through a fucking wall, floor, or ceiling. Bad guys do it. Good guys do it. Hot shot photographers for the Daily Planet do it. Probably. I may not be able to visually confirm that last one. But I wouldn't put it past him!

Has there ever been a Green Lantern that refuses to use his Green Lantern Light in such pedestrian ways? A hammer, Simon Baz? Really? You've got the most powerful weapon in the universe and you use it to create a weapon that any thug or four year old child could get her hands on? I guess the exaggerated size of your tool makes up for it being on the low end of the technological scale. At least create a hammer that you don't have to hold on to so you could make it fly around the room and attack at range. Oh! Maybe make TWO hammers like that! Maybe that would take too much concentration. And maybe this whole image is just a metaphor for masturbation anyway. "Choking the Ginger." "Solitary Confinement." "Hammering the Hole." "Gripping the Handle." "Blowing a Hole in the Ceiling." "Peter J. Tomasi."

Guy Gardner is in jail because he thought he was "Blowing Off Steam" last issue but instead he was "Interfering with an Undercover Investigation." He's no longer a Green Lantern because he discovered the secret weakness of the Onan's Oan's Third Army. When exposed to masturbation, the Borg Lanterns could only stare helplessly at the erotic act. And since Guy Gardner is the greatest masturbater the Green Lantern Corps has ever been witness to, the Oans took back his ring.

Heh heh. He said "unabated." Stop writing my commentary for me, Mr. Guardian.

Now seems like the perfect time to take care of Guy Gardner once and for all. He's the greatest threat to the Guardians (if you believe me, that is. You could argue that Kyle or Hal or Sinestro is a bigger threat but I'll just win the argument by ignoring you and having a more popular blog) so they tell their Borg Lanterns to "acquire his bio-signature" (you know, follow his spunk trail) and "assimilate" him. They actually use the word assimilate. Apparently the Guardians of the Universe get all of their best ideas from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Speaking of Star Trek: The Next Generation and masturbation, I bet Wesley Crusher just fouled the fuck out of the holodeck with his not-quite-yet-a-man-juice. And it makes sense, right? In the 1970s and 1980s, kids had to find their wank material in bushes and abandoned fields and their father's bottom drawers. Then the internet came along and now kids can just log on to the family computer and find all the masturbation material they need. By the time space travel and starships are invented, it would make sense that the ability to find masturbation material would have escalated as well. And the holodeck would barely even seem like masturbation! I wonder if Picard had parental locks put on the holodeck controls.

Picard: "Number Two. How long has Wesley been in the holodeck this afternoon?"
Riker: "One hour, fifteen minutes and forty seven seconds. Of course this is his fifth time using it today. And he's reserved it for four more sessions later."
Picard: "That's an awful lot of training exercises. Perhaps we're working him too hard?"
Riker: "I don't think that's what he's doing, sir. He's Troubling the Tribble, if you get my meaning."
Picard: "Oh. Did we not have parental locks put on the Holodeck to prevent this sort of abuse?"
Riker: "The kid is a fucking technological genius. You don't think he guessed your password 'FLUTE1234'?"
Picard: "Well then. Chalk it up to kids being kids, I guess!"
END CREDITS.

You know, I was going to stay away from jail ass rape and drop the soap jokes while Guy was in prison. But with images like this, I guess I have to point out that snowballing seems to be the favorite sexual past-time in this prison. And I think the bets are that Guy can't go a week without masturbating.

Guy's brother and sister come to visit him in jail to find out what the fuck is going on with him. Where'd his Green Lantern ring go? Why did he get arrested screwing up an FBI investigation? All of his responses are glib, snarky, Superboy-esque answers. Guy is acting like a complete douchebag while his siblings are simply trying to help him get out of jail. So Guy's sister does what Superman should have fucking done to Superboy in Superboy Annual #1.

That guard is enjoying this a little bit too much. The Guardians would not approve.

Guy Gardner's sister is cute. I hope this comic spins off into a Green Lantern Family comic book where they all get Green Lantern rings. Maybe it could become a half hour sitcom on Fox.

The slaps and the yelling do not get Guy to stop pitying himself. What finally snaps him out of his pouting are the Borg Lanterns that suddenly attack the jail looking to assimilate his ass. Too bad Guy isn't an overly snobbish assassin so I could have typed "assimilate his high class assassin's ass." Being that Guy was a Green Lantern and the guards don't want to turn into mouthless monsters, they let him out of the handcuffs and allow him to take lead against the Borg Lanterns.

Meanwhile John Stewart and Fatality are dealing with Mogo's splintered sexuality.

I'm pretty sure this is all semantics.

Fatality catches John up on everything that has been going on in New Guardians which makes John realize that the Guardians are once again up to no good and sending him into the far reaches of space to chase down the pieces of a planet was just a way to get him out of their gray hair.

Back on Earth, Guy and his siblings are rescued by B'dg the Space Squirrel and Simon Baz the new Green Lantern of Earth. I have a feeling I probably should have read Green Lantern #16 first but I really doubt it matters much. That issue will probably deal with Simon and B'dg heading back to B'dg's nest so that Simon can recharge his ring and learn a little bit about his new job as a cosmic protector.

With Guy's leadership, B'dg contains the Borg Lanterns while Simon Baz flies off to steal a bunch of missiles from a nearby National Guard Base. So the most powerful weapon in the universe can't simulate a missile? Does Green Light not have the capability to explode? Has a Green Lantern never made explosives or fire with the Power Ring? I'm starting to think the ring isn't the most powerful weapon in the galaxy at all if all it can make are blunt instruments.

Guy watching a squirrel masturbate.

The missiles incinerate the Borg Lanterns and Guy heads off to the moon to get a synopsis of what's been going on. B'dg was sent to Earth by Salaak to find Hal Jordan but instead ended up rescuing Baz and Guy. Baz's ring has a warning for the Green Lantern Corps: "The Guardians are trying to destroy us!" Now if Guy could only get his ring back. Perhaps he'll have B'dg create a ring for him in the same way that Hal Jordan received a ring from Sinestro? That seems like a handy solution for every problem! More Green Lantern Rings! Green Lantern Rings for everyone!

Green Lantern Corps #16 Rating: No change. I think Guy and Baz are going to get along really well as long as Guy stops being a dick to him every chance he gets. Maybe Guy and Superboy should star in a comic book together where they can just snap back at each other for twenty pages. This was a pretty decent issue because it had a squirrel in it.