Constantine #20

Will kids today understand the double meaning of reflection here?!

I love practicing being an old man! I need to think up some hilariously mean shit to yell at the neighborhood kids from the porch so they think, "That is the coolest old man ever." Mostly I just have to say stuff like the above caption where I never give young people the benefit of the doubt. "By golly, they're all narcissistic assholes! Have you heard that twaddle they call music and not twaddle like they should be calling it if they cared a whit for accuracy?! I hope they all develop raging cases of genital warts due to all that free love they're practicing as they smoke the legal dope! Bah! They don't know the value of a good high because they never had to meet a sketchy guy on the side of a 7-11 at three in the morning who, after making the sale, then wanted to hang out with you while you get high! Fucker! You're my connection, not my friend! What I wouldn't have gave to be able to buy my pot from a clerk across the counter who couldn't follow me home to drink all of my beers and piss on my bathroom floor!"

I hope the last thing I think before I die is, "Oh my God I've never come so hard in my life!"

This issue is called "Meaningful Gestures." You mean like flipping the bird?

Last issue left off with Constantine barging in on Constantine and his family and friends. It's the life John never knew because he had to get into magic and burn the house down around his parents' ears. And then he got all of his friends killed. And then he pissed off London so that he can't ever go back (although I guess Earth-2 London is safe) and he burned several bridges between himself and Maureen so she stopped loving him. And now he's suddenly confronted by all of the things his poor decisions over the years cost him.

Ha ha!

I feel this every time I look at people living normal lives. Did refusing to make all of those hard choices cheat me out of some other, better life? Has this Tess, the one that always took the easy way, missed out on a fulfilled life? If this is the best life I could have lived, why do I feel so empty and defeated? I bet it's because I haven't found Jesus!

Man, have you guys ever seen those 700 Club commercials where people say things like, "I'm here to tell you there's something missing in your life. And that something is Jesus." Then they show the guy wearing a Tribble on his head and he's all, "My life is so fantastic now that I hang out with Christians who are too polite to tell me that my toupee looks like shit! Thank you, Jesus!"

I can't wait for Christmas Dinner with the Common-In-Laws now! I'm going to shit all over everybody's festive mood!

John-2's family learns that Constantine is from a different Earth and that maybe he can take them all over before their Earth is destroyed. But then all the apathetic, despairing losers driven mad by the Succumbubus break into the house and try to kill everybody. Constantine and his new friends make a break for it and begin running madly through London.

I hope I remember to add the Succumbubus to my Places and Predators Monster Manual.

This picture doesn't make me quite as gleeful as this picture did way back when.

Eventually Constantine and his new family find a place to hide from the crazies. It gives Constantine a chance to tell them scary stories about how their world is ending because he knows a few things about Darkseid.

I know! You heat up the doorknob and then put Hot Wheels all over the floor and rig a paint can full of rocks to knock Darkseid into the basement!

Constantine and his Earth-2 family draw magic hoodoo and mystic symbols all over the walls and floor of their hidey-hole. Sometimes you have to wonder who Constantine is trying to fool. Darkseid? His new family? Himself? Maybe all three?

One person he doesn't fool (and probably wasn't trying because, hey! Free magic helmet!) was Doctor Cocoa Puffs. He arrives to let everybody know that he's there to help. Too bad John just got done telling everybody not to trust whatever magical being is attracted to their ritual!

Constantine #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This actually felt like a fucking Hellblazer story. And it'll especially feel like a Hellblazer story if the fucking shit hits the fucking fan next issue and a whole lot of innocent people die in John's attempt to get back to Earth-Main-Earth!

World's End #10

Oh look. It's Darkseid.

Deep beneath Geneva in the Apokoliptian firepit, Superman has been found alive. Hooray. Desaad brought him back to life to create super furies with his powers. He also brought Wonder Woman to life somewhere else. But probably not Batman because Batman has no powers and is useless. You can siphon super powers for enhanced cloning techniques but nobody has yet found a way to synthesize being DC Comic's favorite character. DC Comics wishes they had figured out a way so they could sell more issues of each title without having to put Batman in it. But they have not. They came close with Lobo in the nineties but they ruined it by allowing every writer to include Lobo in their book so that their title character could show how clever they were when they defeated the most bad-ass monster in the universe. Which then turned Lobo into a character that always got his ass handed to him. Being defeated in every appearance is kind of difficult for the biggest bad-ass ever to pull off without losing a bit of what made him entertaining. Now DC has found some magic in Harley Quinn but they've been trying their hardest to ruin that as well. First they forgot that what made her so entertaining was the skillful juggling of the adorable with the violent. And she was a genuinely likable person when she wasn't acting completely psychotic and doing anything for Mister J's love. She was sympathetic while also being adorable while also being ruthlessly destructive. DC looked at Harley for The New 52 and thought, "What is the essence of this character? What would make even more people like her?" And they came up with the answer: "Eye candy!" I think that's always their answer: "More tits and ass! Lose the adorable, innocent quality of her character and make sure she fucks Deadshot as quickly as possible while referring to her vagina as a clown car!" Luckily for DC, the Harley fans rode out her worst New 52 years until she could man her own vehicle which is currently careening out of control as she gets a fucking Special every fucking month. Where's the countdown for fans feeling over-Harleyed?

Sorry for the somewhat interesting digression. Let me get back to being as boring as possible so that I match the tone of this comic book.

Speaking of DC hating successful characters, I guess the friendship between Helena and Karen was too entertaining and powerful.

"We saw nothing but the death of hope. And the loss of our friend."

Does Desaad not have the technology to create wings not full of holes?

Power Girl tells everybody else to run while she "gets her sister back." That shouldn't be too hard. Just rip two of the four arms off and punch her back into her old personality. But make sure to tear off the non-wing arms, Power Girl. You don't want to have to go back to carrying her around all of the time.

Meanwhile in Chicago, Barbara Gordon was shot and killed. Darn. But Constantine and his gang know magic so maybe they can resurrect her. Sure, her body will simply be animated by a demon from hell as Barbara's actual ego burns in hell, but at least Dick will have the opportunity to be happy by lying to himself that he's sleeping with his actual wife.

Except what actually happens is Constantine stands up for Dick's family because he doesn't like little kids being threatened. Then his gang beat up all the thugs and get on the train to escape the tidal wave, conveniently forgetting about the small boy they saved.

So there was no room for Dick and Barbara's corpse on the train even after Constantine's crew defeated all of the thugs? Seems reasonable.

This comic book has no idea what would make it interesting. Dick and Babs in a relationship? Naw! Fuck that. Karen and Helena's goofy friendship? End it! Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman killed to be replaced by a new wave of inexperienced heroes? Stupid! Apokolips is attacking Earth? Replace Darkseid with a bitching, whining, moaning court of monsters!

And why the fuck is Constantine even in it? He's trying to get home and that leads him to this group that he's now ditching to find out why his magic is wonky? I suppose that's just to give him a reason to head back to his own title without people wondering why the story doesn't line up at all with this story. Just let Constantine get back to Earth-Main-Earth already. Is he really adding anything to this book? Maybe when this is all over, Constantine will be transported back to Earth-Vertigo and Hellblazer will start back up.

Just another DC Character with Daddy Issues.

Can DC publish a supplemental text explaining how Apokolips works? Darkseid sits in the heart of it meditating and expending all of its energy so it needs to fly around consuming other planets? Who is Paternus and all of the other court cocksuckers running around screaming about the end of the world. An apocalypse on Apokolips. Is that irony or just word play?

Maybe the Mobius Chamber is just Darkseid's shitter?

Meanwhile, Sam, Alan, and Solomon Grumpy are getting their assess kicked by The Four Horsewomen of Apokolips (minus one). But then Cthulhu arrives to save the day! Everybody celebrates! And goes insane! Yay!

Actually, Cthulhu doesn't save the day. It just arrives and says "Blah blah blah R'lyeh!" Then the action goes back to Apokolips where Mister Miracle, with some prodding from Barda, is tricked into rescuing Darkseid from the Mobius Chamber. Why he was trapped inside his own planet, I don't know. Maybe next issue will be fifteen pages of explication from Darkseid. The other pages will be one of Dick cradling Barbara and crying as a speech bubble says, "Do not give up hope," from off-panel, then one of Cthulhu driving back the Furies and Solomon Grumpy standing nearby with hearts in his penis, then one of Commander Khan yelling, "What do we do next? What's happening?!", then one of The Streak starring Jay Gimmick almost boning his mother, and finally one more of Helena hugging Karen to death.

World's End #10 Rating: -1 Ranking. I think I might hate this book more than any other book from The New 52 ever. Even Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans. Even Ann Nocenti's everything she touches! Even...am I actually saying this...even Grifter! The problem with this book is that it's not entertaining in its awfulness. I feel like I'm Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange and I'm strapped to a chair with my eyes pinned open being forced to look at a bunch of disparate images that have nothing but the barest of connections with each other. Am I being reprogrammed by this book?! Maybe DC worked with a bunch of psychologists and sorcerers to create this book just for me! It's reprogramming me so that I'll either stop commenting on their New 52 line entirely, or I'll just start saying nice things about every single book they put out, no matter how awful the writer is.

Why is Channel 52 wasting time highlighting the cast from Klarion's book when it has already been cancelled? I'm sure this was planned to boost sales of Klarion before they realized Klarion was not worth salvaging. And now it's just another embarrassing installment of Channel 52!

Batman Eternal #36

You'll be shocked and utterly dismayed by what I conclude in my conclusion!

So many different plot threads have come loose from the Batman Eternal Christmas sweater that even the knitters probably don't know how many there are. Up until I opened Batman Eternal #36, I'd completely forgotten about what's-her-name and her stupid kid brother, what's-his-name. I'm glad I already typed that so that I can leave it even though I just remembered that her name is Harper and her brother's name is the gay kid in the coma full of nanobots. That's not what his convict dad put on the birth certificate but it's what all his friends call him when they're punching him in the face and taking his lunch money.

You'd be completely bewildered and annoyed by the sentence that I just deleted which you'll never get to read even if you click on the link I'm not providing!

Please. If you caught Red Robin coming out of the shower, Red Robin wanted to be caught coming out of the shower!

Harper concludes her shower story saying she "didn't see anything R-rated." Of course you didn't! Red Robin doesn't have boobies or vaginal pubic hair! Although, to be fair, movies and cable television have begun showing flaccid wieners like never before! I've seen Jason Segel's penis and Jason Mewes penis and Kevin McKidd's penis and probably some other penises that I don't remember who they belonged to. I imagine there are a lot more to be seen but since I haven't had cable television in over a decade and most cartoon or super hero movies don't show a guy's junk, I've probably missed a lot of onscreen ween.

Red Robin realizes Batman needs his help so he asks Harper to coordinate with the Batcave while he rushes out to save Batman's life. Although before he even leaves the Robin's Nest, the Batmobile is crashing out of the window of Wayne Tower, so it's more likely that Red Robin will be pulling Batman's corpse from the Batmobile. I guess this is the part where Harper and Penny-Two become Besties and decide to put on costumes and become full-fledged Batman sidekicks?

Penny-Two gives the "Blue Rose" code to the batcomputer which must mean Alfred is a huge fan of Fire Walk With Me. I don't know what the command does but hopefully it saved Batman's life somehow because seconds after Penny-Two says it, the Batmobile crashes into the streets of Gotham and explodes.

Meanwhile, Vicki Vale finishes up her story she's been investigating in Detroit.

That's not how you do journalism! You don't throw the truth away once you find it! You publish it, you dodo!

After Vicki hangs up, Batman punches Bard in the face just like Vicki Vale said he would. She's a good reporter! She might be better than Lois Lane! She just hasn't had all the same breaks. If only Vicki could work for a lush organization like The Daily Planet. Working in Metropolis? Where they have a superhero that likes to be reported on and will give interviews?! How can Vicki Vale compete when, even if you can pin him down and ask him a question, Batman just disappears when you glance down at your notepad?

When Jason Bard points a gun at The Batman and threatens to arrest him, everybody reading this comic book thinks, "What an ass!" Also, the Batkids drop by to make sure Bard gets the point that he might be Commissioner but he doesn't make the Batlaw in Gotham. Batlaw is the usual laws that exist but they don't have to be followed by members of the Batfamily. That's the main reason they wear masks. Not to protect loved ones but so nobody knows exactly who to serve the summons to when trying to sue their asses in civil courts.

Hush would probably like a grilled cheese. Tim and Jason don't want waffles.

Batman points out to his Kids that everything they've experienced so far must be connected. But he just can't figure out which one of his enemies can put together such a twisted, complex, scheme that has so many interlocking parts. Like a puzzle! I mean, who the fuck could be behind it all?! I tried guessing this before and could only come up with enemies like The Puzzler or the Brainteaser or the Gameplayer. It's just beyond me who it could be!

The Riddler? No, I don't buy it. His invitations would have had cute little question marks all over them.

Batman Eternal #36 Rating: No change. Okay, so it is true that the Riddler left a coded clue in which the codebreaker needed to use his name, Engyma, to crack the code. And then the code said that if you were smart enough to read the code, you would already know who is behind Gotham's problems. So that kind of points to The Riddler as the Mastermind, doesn't it? Plus it's the kind of crazy fucking Rube Goldbergesque plan The Riddler enjoys putting together. And I'd be satisfied with The Riddler since he's smart enough to put this shit together. I was really upset when it seemed Hush was behind it all! I doubt Hush would have spelled every word on the invitations correctly.

Oh wait! I think I promised something shocking in my conclusion. Um...kittens fart poison!

Futures End #32

When did Galactus enter this story?

Are we at the big surprise reveal where we find out that there is a Brainiac above the normal Collector of Worlds Brainiac that is a Collector of Universes Brainiac? No? Okay. I guess we'll just read some more filler until then.

Five years in the Futures End future, people still wear puffy jackets and handlebar mustaches. I find that hard to swallow! Shouldn't everybody be wearing invisible skin warming plasticine which shows off every nook and cranny because in five years we'll all be above such bourgeois notions of nakedness, and everyone has stopped tittering relentlessly when they see other people's ding-dongs and doo-dads? That's how I see the future! A relentless onslaught of penises and vaginas passing by and nobody is turned on in the least, thanks to a daily Governmental cocktail composed of lithium, birth control, and diabetic medications. Oh yeah, we're all super fat and unhealthy in five years as well!

See? Fat and unhealthy! And Coke rules with an iron, yet mouth puckeringly sweet, fist.

This is the kind of dialogue that brings a comic book to life and helps the reader to feel they're sneaking a glimpse at a story that could possibly be taking place just on the other side of some wispy veil separating realities. It's not magical dialogue. It's not intellectual dialogue on profound themes. It's just an unimportant side character stating an opinion contrary to Plastique's opinion. I think, too often, a writer will want to put forth their own opinions of the world through the mouths of the characters instead of building characters with their own perspectives, perspectives that often differ with one another. And while some people might focus on the fact that a grown man has never had a slice of pizza, this pizza guy doesn't bat an eye at that and just points out, from his experience, she's giving a newbie the wrong slice. It's really just a throw away moment that many people might skim past while wondering when the action will start. But moments like this are important. Mundane moments with characters actually interacting with one another instead of being mouthpieces for the writer's opinions. This helps me to connect with the story and the characters. Now maybe when Plastique finally faces her demise, I might actually remember her excited face from this scene as she introduces pizza to a new friend, and her interaction with this working guy that makes sense, and I might fucking care a little bit.

Maybe. It's also possible I'll completely forget this scene in the next twenty minutes.

Terry McBatman is lucky she didn't make his face explode.

Judging by the above scene, I don't think Future-Brother-Eye-Infected Plastique was attacking Terry McBatman in Futures End issues zero and one. She was just trying to give him a kiss.

Cole Cash is busy trying to get his Earth-Main-Earth Registration Card so people will stop thinking he's a Twofer. Or so they stop thinking he's Lana Lang's husband. That could get him in trouble with Superman! Except this is Twofer Lana Lang and I don't think Superman gives a shit about Twofer Lana Lang. If only Cole's brother wasn't a gigantic corpse, they could use him as a character witness. Cole's only choice now is to deal with being thought of as the Earth-2 version of himself (even though he's from the Wildstorm Earth already! Right? The one that merged with the Vertigo and the Main Earth!) or spend six months in lockup as he waits for an inquiry into his origins.

My recommendation to Grifter is that he doesn't go to court. He doesn't want his history dredged up because does he really want to be reminded that he starred in the worst comic of the initial batch of New 52 comics?

The whole toilet seat up or down thing is Sexist Comedy 101 that I could rant about for hours. But since this repartee is adorable, I think I can let it slide this time.

Meanwhile, Fifty Sue becomes Mini-Deathstroke With Pigtails. And by "pigtails," I mean "two unbraided bunches of hair on opposite sides of Fifty Sue's head." Pigtails is easier to say.

The guy on the cover turns out to be what Dr. Yamazake has become. He's an incorporeal being with the power to control magnetism. So he built himself the Different-Enough-From-Galactus-To-Not-Be-Sued suit and begins plotting his revenge against The Justice League. Although can he really call it revenge when they've done nothing to him at all and every slight he believes they've committed against him is entirely made up in his own mind? Isn't that something other than revenge?

And finally, Ray Palmer's Stormwatch has arrived back at Earth. Or at least "an Earth." I'm sure it's not the Earth they think it is. I bet it's...PREBOOT EARTH! But before they can investigate it, Hawkman and The Engineer need to fuck.

The Engineer must be infected by a self-hating, low self-esteem causing virus because ick.

Ray Palmer's Stormwatch is intercepted by Father Time and taken aboard The Ant Farm, SHADE headquarters. They want The Engineer to help them defeat Brainiac and Father Time is willing to release every monster in The Zoo to get her. I guess next issue will be Godzilla versus Frankenstein! How come that was never a Universal Picture?

Futures End #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Terry McBatman had better stop flirting with Plastique and get on with the Case of the Mister Terrific's Murderer (Hint: It will be Terry McBatman!). Mister Terrific is about to release his uSpheres into New York city and then that will be that. Lois Lane will get her hands on one and then she'll sync up her Brother Eye infected phone to her Brainiac infested uSphere and everybody can kiss the world goodbye. Then Lois will be all, "uSphere, find me the most authentic Indian cuisine in the area that delivers at one in the morning." And her uSphere will be all, "UNH UNH UNH TAKE IT, BROTHER EYE! TAKE MY FULL DATA STREAM!" And her phone will be all, "I HOPE YOU'RE USING WPA2 BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WIND UP WITH A SELF-REPLICATING EXECUTABLE!" And Lois will be, "I'm starving!"

Gotham Academy #3

How many days of detention do you get for burning down the Cobblepot Family Crypt?

Apparently Olive was the only kid discovered in the burning crypt. The Cult of the Bat members hid when the bucket brigade arrived. And Maps probably found a tunnel down to level two where she killed three orcs and found a magic dagger. So now Olive gets to spend time in detention with the kid she busted for selling whatever he was selling last issue. I can't be expected to remember trivial details across all fifty two plus comics I read every month. Can I? Maybe that's all that's expected of me! Shit. I'd better start taking this comic book reading thing seriously.

No wait. I'll take it seriously when it provides a paycheck! Until then, I'm just going to goof off as I read them.

The Cult of the Bat were in the middle of summoning the ghost of Millie Jane Cobblepot when Olive interrupted their ritual and stole the Diary of Millie Jane. The spirit was supposed to be bound to the book but now it's roaming the school. What kinds of classes do ghosts take? Home Necronomics?

How many issues until they kiss?

Heathcliff arrives and Pom storms off because he isn't paying enough attention to her. I think Pomeline might suffer from low self esteem! So that relationship drama is happening when Kyle arrives and insists that he and Olive need to talk. I feel like instead of typing this, I should be sitting at a long bench at the roller rink sipping a soda and eating nachos and blabbing it to all of my closest friends. And then a couples dance would come on and I'd look nervously over at the girl I have a crush on but then be too nervous to ask her to skate with me. Then some other asshole would ask her and she'd look over at me as if I should have asked but then she still heads out to the rink holding his hand and I just die a million little deaths watching them skate together.

Olive reveals to Kyle that her mom was in the Arkham Asylum collapse (although she's vague about the hospital to Kyle (but then who hasn't heard about the "hospital" that collapsed last summer (although this is Gotham, so buildings are probably collapsing all the time))) and now her mom is in a coma and the doctors don't believe she'll ever wake up. So now Olive is a bit lost and feeling alone and can't really think about dating right now. But I bet she has time to hunt down some ghosts with Poms and Maps!

The girls once again see the glowing eyes in the North Hall while out on a g-g-g-g-ghost stakeout later hat night. It's finally time to break into the North Hall! Just like we knew was going to happen when Hammer Head demanded they stay away from it! But Poms, Maps, and Olive need some help breaking in. Time to recruit another member to the team!

Oh my crap! They're all so fucking adorable!

Once inside the North Hall, Olive realizes she's been inside before. She remembers a fire, and a Batman. The group find a hole in the foundation and inside the hole...a m-m-m-m-monster!

It's probably just Killer Croc. He's a total pushover.

Gotham Academy #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. Everybody should be reading this comic book because I don't want it to be canceled because Maps Mizoguchi is just the most adorable character ever created and if you comic book fans kill this comic book by not purchasing it and relegate Maps to DC Limbo, I will hunt you all down and tsk-tsk you right in your faces.

Aquaman and the Others #8

I wonder if Geoff Johns is pissed that Dan Jurgens has made sure that nobody will ever want to read another story starring The Others again?

Don't worry, Geoff Johns. The team was a bunch of boring assholes when you decided to create them. I think Dan Jurgens has been doing the best he can do with a team of shitty heroes and Jurgens' inability to write a story that doesn't take place in the eighties. The Others were never going to be a hit with the kids.

Last issue, we learned that the super-villain group Mayhem are squatting in Vostok-X's moonbase and have taken over an ancient Russian satellite with twelve nuclear warheads in it. Now they're going to demand that all the world governments give them everything they want or else they start dropping the nukes! If I was most of the world governments, I'd flip them the bird and say, "Go the fuck ahead! You only have twelve nukes and you know you'd better use them all on America or you cats are fucked." So maybe Mayhem will only actually threaten America. Hmm, that makes more sense.

The other issue The Others need to deal with is that iSpy killed one of POW!'s ghost soldiers. It wasn't on purpose or anything! It was just friendly fire. But now the ghost soldier feels that iSpy should die due to an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny case of manslaughter. How about taking a page out of Jesus Christ's book and forgiving the people that killed you?

Although, Jesus would make a show of forgiving them while dying on the cross since all his disciples were watching. But I bet once he found himself back in Heaven, he was all, "Daddy! Daddy! Ruin their Empire! Destroy their precious works of arts! Destroy them from the inside with our followers and from the outside with heathen beastmen! Do it right now, Daddy, or I'm going to scream!"

Why is it that only the crack is obscene? This would have been enough for my thirteen year old self to jerk off to.

Up on the moon, Cheshire is probably thinking, "How the hell did I get roped into working with these assholes?" I bet she has a contract to kill them all. Probably got the contract from Jonni DC who can't stand KGBeast and NKVDemon are still in continuity. They should have disappeared with the Cold War! Now I'm really wishing that KGBeast had actually died at the hands of Batman like Batman uncharacteristically meant to do. I think. That's second hand knowledge about a story where Batman cut off KGBeast's arm (and look! He's missing his arm!) and left him to die. And then it was just a thing that fans had to accept until some other writer came along and had Batman say something like, "Um, no, no, no! I just had to, um, go get a Bat-tourniquet! You know? And when I got back, he was gone! So I did all I could to save his life after nearly killing him, you know? Come on, guys! I don't kill! Ha. Ha ha! Ha."

The whole point in calling somebody a “loose cannon” is that they can’t be directed, you imbecile!

Cheshire and KGBeast discuss the possible loose cannons in the group when they should be discussing the weak cannon, Maelstrom. She's just in this to make the world a better place! As soon as she realizes these assholes are in this scheme for selfish reasons, she'll turn on them. So Mayhem will probably trap Aquaman and the Others. They'll be about to destroy America if their demands aren't met. And then Maelstrom will sneak off and free Aquaman so that Aquaman can save the day in space like he never does.

And while Mayhem ignores their weak link, Aquaman pisses all over his. He calls Vostok-X a clone one time too many and Vostok-X ditches the team. He heads to the moon to learn more about his past from KGBeast. And to maybe become bait. Or an ally. Or a corpse.

"Concrete blocks as far as the eye can see! Queues stretching as far as the concrete blocks! Everybody craving Levi jeans but nobody owning a pair! Legends of sweet drinks called 'Coke' and 'Pyepsi' filling our peoples with hope!"

iSpy comes up with a plan to retake control of the Russian Nukellite. He, Ya'wara, and POW! will teleport into an old Russian base in the Ural Mountains where they can use the old systems to access the satellite. POW! only comes along to kill iSpy, I'm sure. Which is how the issue ends, with POW!'s ghost in control of his body and trying to strangle iSpy to death while Ya'wara lies crumpled and sexy in the corner.

Aquaman and the Others #8 Rating: No change. It was boring but, for some reason, it didn't bother me as much as it usually does. Perhaps I'm still riding the high of Grayson #5 and I know I have Gotham Academy #3 to look forward to next. Poor Aquaman. Of course when he winds up on a team of heroes, they're just a bunch of jerks more boring than he is. Now I feel bad for Aquaman. Maybe I won't make fun of him when I read his next issue.

Grayson #5

Dick and balls! Merry Christmas!

Last issue, Dick was given a new assignment at Hadrian's Finishing School for Horny Young Women. He will now be teaching a class on acrobatics. He must also teach the class in his new persona of Jacques de Constamment, Frenchman whose ever-present erection in his tights is not due to the nubile young women in his class rolling about with their sexy parts jiggling or bending over to display their engorged, female packages outlined by their tight uniforms, but the thoughts of their strong, tight-assed, shirtless brothers practicing rowing at Oxford and Cambridge.

This issue begins with possibly the best scene so far in The New 52.

I bet it ends with the mother dying and Midnighter running off with the baby calling Apollo on his communicator yelling, "I've got one! I've got one!"

The warbird crashes in a desert as the baby is delivered safely. But the mother dies. I think this is how the movie "Two Gay Men, A Hard Assed Bitch, and A Baby" began. If all of the adults die in the desert, the baby will also die. Therefore, the baby should be their first meal when they're about to starve. After they've finished eating the placenta and the mother, of course.

ARGUS's EMP probably fried all of the communication devices, so the team are on their own two hundred miles from the nearest city.

What's the best way to prepare baby?

Shouldn't Apollo be sitting up on The Carrier with a feeling that Midnighter is in trouble. Then he can fly down to Earth and use his Gaydar to find him. Is that how Gaydar works?

They begin their trek across two hundred miles of desert. How long does it take to walk two hundred miles? Can't take more than a few hours, right? Can't Midnighter run it with his super legs and super lungs? Although when Midnighter announces within one minute of the crash that they're all dead, that means they're all dead, right? He can look at every aspect of a situation and calculate all the possibilities in just a few seconds. If Midnighter can't see a way out then there isn't a way out!

Midnighter comes up with the same plan I came up with! Eat the baby! Although he has more information that's probably pertinent to their situation.

I was wondering if the Spyral Hypnos implant was still working after the EMP.

Somehow the baby has Paragon's heart inside of it. I guess that's the easiest way to smuggle a super organ. Or, if not easiest, maybe most secretive? The Midnighter is a callous bastard that's only thinking about survival. I like him! But Dick Grayson, Mr. Too Nice For His Own Good, would probably rather die than sacrifice the baby to survive. The only reason he's fighting to get back to civilization is to save the baby. And the only way the baby dies is if Grayson dies trying to save it. No other options exist. Probably. Maybe some option involving The Batman still exists! Does Batman have a secret cache of emergency supplies buried somewhere in this desert?

They continue their journey for two more days as Midnighter explains the situation to Grayson (probably for the hundredth time). Midnighter's power is to see possibilities. He points out Helena is wounded and won't make it another day. In another day, Helena drops. But what is it that Midnighter can't see with his ability to see all possible outcomes? Is he blind to the motives and actions of a guy that truly puts other people first? Can Midnighter simply not see how Grayson will react because Grayson's personality is so foreign to anything Midnighter has ever encountered in his arrogant, cynical, survivalist life with Stormwatch?

I bet Batman once forced Dick to walk further with less supplies in a harsher environment!

On Day 5, Midnighter challenges Dick to a fight for the baby. Dick keeps walking. Day 6, Midnighter is still discussing the fight. Dick keeps walking. Day 7, Midnighter is losing steam. Dick's still walking. Batman sure knows how to train his kids!

Maybe Dick is gaining energy from the heart by keeping the baby close. He's like a cat and he's stealing the baby's breath at night!

After this, I'm starting to think a Batman/Midnighter fight will just be anticlimactic.

Day 9 and Dick's still walking. How slow is he going? Jesus! Pick up the pace!

Dick tells the baby a dream about how you do what's right even if you're facing certain death. You still stand up and you do what you have to do.

On Day 10, Dick collapses with the baby in his arms. But Arabic Ma and Pa Kent come to the baby's rescue! And, probably, Dick's as well. I'm sure Dick will give them the baby instead of taking the baby to Spyral where it will get its heart ripped out! And then the baby can grow up to be Arabic Superman! And then I can go fishing with my grandfather and I'll say, "Grandfather. What's prejudiced?" And he'll say, "Where'd you hear that word?" And I'll say, "Well, I was talking to Arabic Superman and he...." And grandfather will interrupt me and say, "What? There's a fucking Arabic Superman?! Holy shit!"

Holy shit! A fucking Arabic Superman!

Oh yeah, Helena and Midnighter also survive. Midnighter is traded back to Stormwatch for the return of Agent 19, whoever that is. And, as you can see, the baby is presumed dead.

Grayson #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sorry, Swamp Thing. But your Machine Queen issue doesn't even compare to this issue of Grayson. When is DC Comics going to have a company wide meeting in which they compare a story like this to those other shitty stories which rely on Narration Boxes to get their message across? Look how elegant this story was? And just think how easily it could have been ruined with Narration Boxes. I suppose, as well, that Narration Boxes themselves don't ruin a story. Some writers know when to use them and to best utilize them. It's just that when I see lots and lots of Narration Boxes, I'm instantly wary because they're often just used as a crutch for a writer with poor comic book scripting skills.