Futures End #5

Want to play a game? How about a game of thermonuclear break-up?

This issue begins with Mister Terrific pitching his T-Balls to the public but rebranding them uSpheres and making them different somehow. I don't care how because I find Mister Terrific incredibly obnoxious. I also find all the people salivating for his newest technology pathetic. He doesn't even explain what the uSpheres do! Unless I'm supposed to take him at his word and truly believe they're backup files for a person's brain. Which is just stupid. I don't want people using what's in my head for their own purposes if I ever get hit by a car! And I don't want my brain downloaded into some other creature to act like me when I'm dead! When my light winks out, I'm outta here! Who wants to be reminded that I died every time you're insulted by something that thinks it's me?! These uSpheres sound awful.

Mister Terrific didn't even need a new product. His fans are so rabid that they would stand before the stage, mouths agape like baby birds while Mister Terrific jerked himself off onto the spectators. Have some iSperm, you zombies! I mean uSperm! I didn't mean to slip out of the allegory!

A super annoying hero!

Grifter has found himself paralyzed and held captive by King Faraday of I-Spy fame. Unless nobody fucking remembers I-Spy. I sure as hell don't! But he's in my Who's Who and that's what it says his code name was! It also says his first appearance was in Danger Trail #1 which sounds awfully exciting! It also says that King Faraday "is an Olympic-level athlete and highly skilled hand-to-hand combatant" and that he's "expert with all forms of firearms and countless other weapons." Countless other weapons! So like the list of pole-arms in Dungeons and Dragons?

Meanwhile on Cadmus Island, a woman named Fury-Squar-rrk is trying to escape. She kills two different OMAC creatures and then gets eye-blasted by a little girl in a dandelion shirt. This is the same little girl with which King Faraday seems to have partnered a paralyzed Grifter. I don't know if she's a new version of Superboy or if she's just another Cadmus Genomorph. She's dressed a bit like Punky Brewster. But since this comic book is weekly, it can answer questions next week. For now, it's time to catch up with Jasonstorm and Ronniestorm.

After weeks of living inside Ronnie Raymond's filthy little skull, Jason Rusch is set free when Ronnie shuts down Firestorm.

No! Not Ronnie's Mom! But I found her dog dick dinners and her intolerance adorable!

Ronnie runs home crying while Jason begins letting people know he isn't dead in a ditch. The first person he talks to is a professor building a teleporter. He mentions how the Justice League have that technology but keep it from the rest of the world. If that's true, they're huge dicks. I always just assumed they got the tech from one of America's not-so-secret black ops groups and it was the United States government that was hoarding the technology. Although I can see Batman not giving away technology secrets. He's a fucking businessman!

Meanwhile in Kansas, John Constantine makes some new friends.

I hope by "Tommy" she means Tommy Monaghan. I know it appeared his entire Preboot comic run had actually already taken place according to that scene in Batman and Two-Face but since this is a weird, probably alternate future, I can dream, right?

The Tommy guy has way more facial hair and bulk than the old Hitman had but he's wearing dark glasses in the dark, so it could be him! In this alternate reality, he may have eaten all of the meals that Amanda Waller seems to have avoided. He actually looks more like Vandal Savage than Hitman but when did Vandal every go by "Tommy"?! The woman's name is Midge and I don't know her. But then I'm not caught up on the last eight years of Hellblazer. And I've pretty much forgotten the years before that! Also maybe she's new!

Constantine was pulled to Kansas by Midge and Tommy to investigate some crop circles. He realizes they're ancient killing fields. He may or may not realize they're in the shape of Firestorm's chest design. Unless they're in the shape of Daemonite landing rockets. I can't answer those questions this week because there will be more comic book next week! I bet none of the questions get answered then either!

Futures End #5 Rating: No change. Still no way to tell if Futures End is good or bad or boring or exciting. It still just feels like it's launching from the dock and it's not quite out past the buoys where it can really start humming along. That's some kind of ship metaphor! But I don't know anything about ships or metaphors, so you can probably ignore it.

Action Comics #32

Meet your Anti-Superman Army! Metallo! Atomic Skull! Steel! Ghost Soldier!

You know who's missing from the Anti-Superman Army? Ambush Bug. He was Superman's greatest enemy.

Like the rest of the Doomed issues, this issue begins with an article by Lois Lane. She's decided to cutely refer to the creature that will soon probably kill everybody on Earth as "Superdoom." She relates the conversation she had with him in Superman #31 which pisses me off because Scott Lobdell wrote that conversation. I thought I was done reading Scott Lobdell's version of Superman! I had cleansed myself after reading Superman #31, performed ancient rituals to purify my psyche, and sacrificed a small child to the Great Old Ones so that the dark corners of my house would no longer haunt me. That last part had little to do with Lobdell but I figured it was that time of year to clear the cobwebs.

Anyway, horrible Lobdell scripted conversation better, Lois agreed to tell the world that Superman can't be trusted. And the world went, "Oh yeah. We already got the memo. We're xenophobic, racist bastards who would rather die painfully than be saved by a guy that thinks he's better than we are. Way ahead of you, Lois."

And then Superman escaped the people who were trying to help him so he could interact with The Teen Titans for some reason. I think that reason was that Scott Lobdell just can't let go. I wonder if he thinks he wrote the best run of Teen Titans ever as opposed to the worst run?

Now Superman is on the loose in a story Greg Pak titled "Nightmare".

And Doomed devolves into the kind of Superman story I can't stand. Superman versus the government.

Lois Lane goes on to warn people that Superman is not acting like himself, so if they see him on the streets, "do not engage." It's a good thing she put out that warning our else you might have a lot of do-gooders engaging in fisticuffs with the Man of Steel thinking they can subdue him and become national heroes.

Superman knows he's becoming a danger to everybody but he still remains on Earth because fuck humanity. Why don't they leave?! If I were Superman, I'd go sit in the heart of a yellow sun and see if I couldn't boost my immune system and defeat the Doomsday Virus inside of me. Or maybe the Doomsday Virus acts like an auto-immune disorder which is why Superman is getting so bumpy and scaly? Maybe he needs to take some super prednisone?

I was already thoroughly confused as to how Superman's secret Clark Kent identity hasn't been exposed due to his dating Wonder Woman and Clark dating Diana Prince and Wonder Woman not having a secret identity before Wonder Woman begins talking to Lana Lang while trying to reach Clark Kent. Clark set up some weird emergency phone system so that if he's ever in trouble, Wonder Woman and Lana Lang would reach each other. For some reason. Because it's more important that Wonder Woman work with Lana Lang than Batman? Anyway, that isn't the part of the secret identity confusion that concerns me. Obviously these two women both know his secret, so they can talk freely about it. What concerns me is when Wonder Woman calls Clark's emergency number and a female voice on the other end answers and asks "Who is it?", Wonder Woman answers "Wonder Woman." What if it were Lois Lane on the other end? Or Cat Grant? Then Wonder Woman would have to think up an excuse as to why she's calling Clark Kent! I guess she can pretend to be one of his sources. Or she could just pretend she's cheating on Superman with Clark. Although how about just exhibiting a little more caution, Diana. Do you need to take Batman's Paranoia, Secret Identities, and Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Seminar again?

Well I'm a plumber and I took some readings too! They're farting into space as well!

The panel underneath the panel I scanned above is a shot of Wonder Woman leaping from the roof of the building. I didn't actually take any proper measurements but I'm fairly certain that 83% of Wonder Woman in that picture is bosom.

Steel suggests Superman retreat to the moon for a bit while they work on a cure. Superman's excuse for not going to the moon is that he won't abandon the comatose people of Smallville. No, of course not. You'd rather kill the entire world instead. Makes sense.

Yeah, I know his mind is fucked up from the Doomsday Virus. But that's still a sorry fucking excuse to stay. I'm sure he could have come up with a better reason like "Fuck you, Steel!" or "...!" That second quote is Superman just killing Steel quietly and burying him in an unmarked grave in the desert.

Steel's attempt to convince Superman that the moon is lovely this time of year is interrupted by an attack of the Anti-Superman Army! I guess it's just composed of Atomic Skull and Metallo. Lois is kind of part of the team as well since she's acting as Braniac's second.

Is that a popular pastime? Bottling dead fetuses?

Atomic Skull blows himself up and somehow Steel survives. Metallo blows his own ship up when Superman boards it and it explodes like a Kryptonite nuclear blast (because the ship was full of kryptonite powder) and somehow Steel survives. Superman also survives but not very well. The Kryptonite invaded his body and weakened Superman so that the Doomsday DNA could completely take over.

Clark's not here, Mrs. Torrance.

Action Comics #32 Rating: No change. Once again, the government of the United States decides that violence is the best answer to a problem! And guess what? They were wrong! Again! I think governments (as well as a lot of assholes in everybody's daily life) believe that fucking up and following it with the phrase "At least I tried something" is an acceptable way to go through life. Fuck thinking things through before acting. Fuck trying to work with other people or compromise. If there is a problem and you can do something violent to exacerbate that problem, do the violent thing! Hell, even if the violent thing doesn't cause more trouble and actually does solve the problem, I'm still against it. Violence is really just a way of changing the subject. And that's why governments (and many people) want the best weapons they can find. Because when they change the subject, they don't want the opposition to have as good an argument at the ready as they have. And of course some people don't know any other subjects but violence. You probably should avoid having disagreements with those kinds of people. Let them miss out on everything good in life while they rage and rant at everything they encounter. Meanwhile, I'll be over in the corner with this string and these kittens.

Superman #31

I'm surprised Benes put so many clothes on Lois.

If you haven't been reading my commentaries (commentaries which rival the sexual diaries of one of the greatest men on our planet and co-writer of the United States Constitution, Gouverneur Morris), you wouldn't know how much I despise this entire story arc in which Lois Lane has been granted Level 12 Intelligence by Brainiac, has become his fiance, and is helping to prepare the Earth for Coluan conquest. It's ridiculous not because it's utterly ridiculous but because Scott Lobdell wrote it. I have to finally admit that I can't tell anymore if I hate Lobdell's work because it sucks or I hate Lobdell's work because I hate Lobdell's work. I don't think I even try to like his writing anymore. And it pains me to even use the word "writing" to describe his output but I feel like I've called it shit far too many times. I suppose I could call his writing a pile of aborted fetuses but that's probably distasteful, rude, and offensive. Notice I didn't add "inaccurate" to that list.

If you haven't been reading Scott Lobdell's Superman, kudos! You have dodged a bullet of unreadable proportions. But you might be reading this issue right now because it's part of the Doomed story arc. Although DC didn't put the Doomed header on the cover! Probably because DC wanted to allow readers interested in the Doomed story the opportunity to skip this chapter because it is awful. I haven't even read it yet but I know it's awful! Lobdell's books always are.

Lois Lane is also a shitty writer.

As you can see from Lois's article, strange shit happened yesterday and because lots of strange shit not connected to the Fortress of Solitude happened yesterday, today everyone is talking about the Fortress of Solitude. That's the place Superman calls home, by the way! It looks like a Snow Cat vomited up a hairball. It is located in the Arctic although sometimes it's located in Antarctica for some reason. That reason might be because DC's editors don't fucking give a shit or they know geography about as well as Tott DeDell does.

After the horrible Lois Lane article that acts as a synopsis of previous Doomed stories, this issue begins with Lobdell's typical first page image with the main character explaining who the fuck he is just in case a new reader happened to see this comic on the stand and think, "Oh! A comic by Scott Lobdell! I can't fucking pass that up!"

Gail Simone once told me, "You're mean to Scott!" She was being charitable when she said that.

Superman has allowed himself to be held captive while Lex Luthor and Batman and Shay Veritas try to figure out a cure for him. With Mister Terrific on Earth 2, I think that means the three smartest people on (or in) New Earth are working to cure Supes! Now if they could just get Cat Grant to help out, they could have the dumbest person on Earth on their team too! Ray Palmer and Cyborg are also helping out. Ray Palmer might be in the top ten greatest minds on the planet. Cyborg is possibly in the top ten guys that can score the winning touchdown at the big high school game.

Batman decides to send Cyborg back to Justice League Headquarters until they need a kid to make the winning play. Now it's just up to the brainiacs!

Speaking of Brainiacs, Lois Lane hasn't made an appearance yet. But I felt I needed to say that since I said brainiacs.

Who had Page Six in the "When Will Scott Lobdell First Use the Term 'Omniverse'" poll?!

Not long after Cyborg leaves, Lois Lane appears to conduct an interview for The Daily Planet. Unless she's saving this one for the greatest news blog that will ever crush the fuckity fuck out of Clarkcatropolis.com, The Fast Lane! Clark and Cat really should have taken Morgan Glennmorganglenn's 13 million dollar offer.

Ever since Lobdell got the job of ruining Superman for DC Comics, he's been trying to create an X-men-esque environment where the populace despises and doesn't trust Superman. It's annoying and bullshit and Superman was created to be a fucking heroic icon, not a thing to be feared by ignorant assholes and shitty writers. And since Lobdell couldn't quite make his idea fly, he's been beating different dead horses in various manners to figure out a good reason for people to mistrust the guy that saves everybody all of the time. Well, he's kicking the shit out of one final horse before he's kicked the fuck off of this book once and for all.

Maybe if Superman and Lois work together, they can get the entire populace of Earth to fear Superman!

Lois does some mental Hulking out on Superman which causes him to realize The Teen Titans need help because they've been written so poorly for the last two and a half years. Superman escapes from the holding facility to go help them. Together, they will break free from the shackles of Scott Lobdell's plotting and dialogue! It will be a new world where only Red Hood and the Outlaws will be utterly ravaged and destroyed.

Really? The new watchtower is called The Justice League Space Bunker? I don't think so. Scott Lobdell is like a guy that shits in public and never washes his hands. For the rest of the day, he's ruining everything he touches.

The issue ends with Superman flying to St. Louis and destroying Detritus. Or did he? Was there something to destroy? I think my mind was just erased! Maybe I should just shut up with the mind erasing comments since nobody else probably remembers when Detritus first appeared way back in whatever issue of Teen Titans Bunker first appeared in. The Teen Titans stand around pissed off because they were fairly certain their contract that allowed them to be written by Lobdell had run out last month. But here they are again in a shitty story! Before Superman leaves, he breaks the arch in St. Louis because fuck everyone.

Superman #31 Rating: It's already the worst comic book of The New 52! And that's saying something since Ann Nocenti is still writing Catwoman! I wonder if they read each others' stuff and recognize how bad the other person's writing is? Anyway, fuck off, Scott Lobdell! I've been extraordinarily kind to you in my reviews of Superman, so you're welcome! But I won't be so nice if you ever weasel your way back on this title. I will destroy you completely. If you ever think about writing another Superman script, I'll be there. If you ever walk into a meeting with a DC Editor and utter the words "I've got an idea for a Superman story," I'll be there. If you ever mention Superman in casual conversation around a water cooler, I'll be there. You feel me?

Aquaman #31

This isn't a go at Jeff Parker but I'd rather read Charles Soule's version of Aquaman than Parker's version of Swamp Thing. He's just going to write a Swamp Thing that doesn't want other creatures eating.

A few issues ago, Aquaman was disturbed to find a bloom of red algae across the entire ocean for just a few seconds. More algae means more creatures can eat which means Aquaman must stop whoever was behind the bloom! Unless more red algae simply means less oxygenated water and more dead creatures. What do I look like, a marine bioscienceperson?! I suppose that in this day and age, everybody that owns a smart phone is an amateur marine bioscienceperson since they can ask Lord Google any question and he will answer more or less correctly.

You youngsters don't remember a day when you'd be out to dinner with your friends and somebody would ask a question that nobody knew the answer to and we'd all just have to go on with dinner without finding out the answer. Now whenever anybody needs information, they just pull out their stupid phone (which is stupid but smarter than they are) to look up the answer. I am so sick of being in groups of people that allow their fucking phones to do all of their thinking for them. Imagine taking a cell phone back to some kids in the seventies (while magically ignoring that you wouldn't get any service. Let's pretend it has time travel wi-fi capabilities!) and letting them know they could get the answer to any question ever no matter where they were simply by asking this device. The first question any kid from the seventies would ask would be, "So this has like unlimited porn on it?"

That would be the most important function to a child of the seventies that has spent much of their life trying to find a way to see naked people. They haven't been raised in a culture of narcissism, so they wouldn't quite see the value of not knowing anything. They wouldn't realize how much time could be spent simply paying attention to themselves when they didn't have to seek out or retain knowledge. And by knowledge I mean porn.

Currently in the pages of Aquaman, Arthur has recruited Ya'wara to help him find The Swamp Thing.

He doesn't respect your privacy, Ya'wara, because he wants to put his barracuda in your octopus.

Swamp Thing is busy bullying Swamp Cryptid Hunters. I bet Aquaman would love to join in. Aquaman hates being hunted by people who simply want to become famous by proving the existence of a really boring super hero. But instead of helping, Aquaman turns on Swamp Thing! Why does Aquaman suddenly care about the safety of a couple of land dwellers? I bet it's because Aquaman hates leafy green monsters more than he hates opportunistic land dwellers.

Even in your own title, you can't win, Fishfucker!

Hmm. "Fishfucker" was a hateful word. I shouldn't have said that. I've grown up around Atlanteans and some of my best friends are Atlanteans and I would never use that kind of language in a hateful or hurtful way. I don't hate Aquaman because he's an Atlantean! I hate him because he's Aquaman!

Meanwhile in Atlantis, Mera is riding around on giant seahorses! Aquaman should do more of this. It would go a long way to mending our fence. I don't know what that means but it sounds like the right thing to say. Although I think it might be the opposite of tearing down the wall although people use it to mean the same thing. Apparently fences make good neighbors but in reality they don't make good neighbors at all because it's the idiot neighbor that says that and not the wise narrator of the poem that believes something exists that doesn't love a wall. Like a gremlin or a troll or something. And then Reagan didn't say "Gorbachev, mend that wall!" when he wanted to improve relations with whatever evil country Gorbachev was the spotty head of. But that story makes Reagan the wise narrator and that's a little hard to swallow! Maybe I should have avoided the wall altogether and took the path less traveled by since it avoids that stupid wall.

Mera searches for the assassins that plotted to kill her which takes her to the most conservative place in all of Atlantis: The Underrealm. It's the Montana of Atlantis. It's where most of the Birthers live. The Birthers are the people that don't want a Xebelian ruling their home because Xebelians chose not to be born in Atlantis, the vile monsters. The residents of The Underrealm are loyal to Orm the Ocean Master. They will never accept a Xebelian leader! Well, maybe if it were a male Xebelian leader. It's hard to tell if they're more xenophobic than they are misogynist. They're all completely racist though. Also, I'm making sweeping generalizations about the people of The Underrealm when I don't actually know anything about them! I should hold off comparing them to Montanans before I get too insulting!

I wonder how often Michelle Obama gets this reaction?

These two electric eel wielding rebels are quickly reinforced by a bunch of men riding giant crabs into battle. Although the crabs are all facing forward so maybe the reinforcements are merely passing by. It's also possible the giant crabs of the Underrealm are of a type that can walk forward but I'd rather believe the artist made a mistake because then I can feel superior by pointing it out. What's the use of blogging on the internet if you can't take every opportunity at hand to make yourself seem better than everyone else?

Meanwhile back in the swamp, Ya'wara comes to Aquaman's rescue. And by rescue, I mean she gets caught up in a bunch of vines too. And even though Swamp Thing has explained to Aquaman that they're on the same side and the algae incident was a brief show of power that didn't concern Aquaman, Aquaman and Ya'wara still want to prove they can defeat the Swamp Thing. Which they can't do, of course. But Aquaman can finally mention how some living cloud of plants is eating the Apo Reef or something. Swamp Thing checks into it and realizes it could use his attention, so he leaves the battlefield.

Sometimes, like right here where he reacts to being defeated in his own comic book, I really like Aquaman.

Finally, Dr. Orson of Triton Base is putting the finishing touches on Creature King!

Aquaman #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sure, most of this comic book did that thing that comic books do which I hate! You know that thing? Where the good guy fights the other good guy instead of approaching the other good guy and explaining his problem? But I enjoyed the way it was done! Swamp Thing was rational the entire time, secure in his knowledge that Aquaman was no threat to him. Meanwhile, Aquaman continued to beat his head against Swamp Thing because he sees him as a threat to the entire world. Probably because Aquaman read Batman's file on Swamp Thing before approaching Swamp Thing. That's always a bad idea! Batman's files are filled with Worst Case Scenarios! And next month in Swamp Thing #32, I'll get to see Charles Soule's version of Aquaman! That should be quite enjoyable. And maybe Aquaman will defeat Swamp Thing in his own title since it looks like the second half of the story will take place in Aquaman's realm. All in all, I think Jeff Parker is doing a really good job on this book. It's been a lot of old school fun so far.

The Flash #31

The Flash is trying to tear the Brett Booth off of himself. "I want to look normal!"

I never really had a problem with Brett Booth's art. It was a bit cartoony but I generally like cartoony. And then he had to go and open his big dumb mouth and start telling critics how to criticize! Ain't nobody gonna tell motherfuckin' Tess how to criticize, bitch! You're lucky Van Jensen is practically my brother so I'm going to go easy on you. But I'm watchin' you, Booth.

While I'm moaning on and on, let me give a hearty Fuck You Friday to Tumblr. Can we get the Recommended Posts off of my feed please? I work hard to avoid comic book spoilers of every variety. And now I can't avoid them as you recommend fucking blogs with covers from comic book issues that won't be out for three months! If I want to know how a story ends, I read the fucking story. If I want to know what will be happening after the current story, I'll finish the current story and then pick up the next issue with the new story in it. If I want to know what the fuck is going on in Catwoman, I'll find an interview with Ann Nocenti where she explains what she's failing to do in her writing.

That last one had nothing to do with Tumblr spoiling shit for me but I thought it fit in well there. How come Ann Nocenti sounds like she knows what she's doing and knows what kind of stories she wants to tell when she's talking about her upcoming Catwoman arcs. But the minute she scripts it, it becomes complete nonsense. Does she send her script through Babel Fish from English to Spanish to Japanese to German before translating it back into English?!

Speaking of Van Jensen being my friend, I catch his secret message on the first page. Because we're besties!

Van Jensen and I have one friend in common on Facebook. This is a reference to that friend's old website.

The guy who killed this guy is called Black Mold. Yet another super villain naming himself incorrectly! You don't want to give heroes a clue as to how to stop you! If you kill people with fungal spores, you want to name yourself Mystery Date! Or Designated Driver! Or Phallic Retribution! But not Black Mold! That's a sure way for Batman (or The Flash, I guess) to come up with a protective suppository to make him immune to your one weapon before the big confrontation! You want at least one issue where you win the fight because Batman didn't know you were going to choke him with mushroom sperm. Make Batman test his own blood to figure that shit out. And while he's playing World of Warcraft waiting for the Batcomputer to do all of the work, you can be out robbing more banks! Or just killing random people like it seems like you're doing at the beginning of this comic. But where's the profit in that?!

Tell her to fuck off, Barry! You don't owe Iris anything! Especially spending time with her vandal nephew!

Patty is feeling neglected and it's no wonder. Barry would rather spend time with Iris's idiot nephew than with her. Why is Barry trying to impress Iris? I can't believe he's that decent of a person. Although he might have some kind of God Complex and believes he's the only fucker in Central City that can steer Wally in the right direction. Or he has a huge crush on Wally. Or Iris. Or both!

Ignoring the babysitting plot, Barry has discovered that a mess of super villain weapons and technology were stolen from the Central City Evidence Lab during the Crime Syndicate's invasion. Members of an old gang are being killed by different pieces of technology, so Barry believes one person is responsible for all the murders. When Barry tells this to Singh, Singh gets annoyed! What the fuck?! Stop being a statistician and start being a practitioner of justice, you jerk! Who cares how many cases are closed as long as the ones that are closed are closed correctly! And who cares how many open cases there are? Don't make me dislike you passionately, Detective Singh. Ask the fictional characters of Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell how it feels to have earned my wrath.

Barry decides to investige the crime scenes as The Flash when he realizes, yet again, that his watch seems to be getting slower and slower. Seriously though. If we bring real world physics into this with how time slows down the closer one gets to the speed of light then we're going to have a Flash that does exactly the opposite of what he's supposed to do. So he can run around the world in no time flat relative to himself. But how is that any good if the rest of the world has now zipped ahead even more time than it seemed to have taken Barry? He's just been neutered by the Theory of Relativity!

Just like a cop! Thinking about shooting before he knows what he's shooting at!

I once had a cop yell freeze at me while I ran across a dark field with a Lazer Tag gun in my hand. He pointed his flashlight at me but I don't know if he had his gun out. If I were in a major urban center with even a hint of regularly occurring violent crimes, I might have been shot for being young and in the dark and holding something. It's a good thing I lived in a city where the worst crime was probably car radio theft. The cop was also lucky I didn't fucking Lazer Tag his ass! Ba-de-de-deep!

Anyway, Barry's late to meeting Wally West in a dark park.

Right here at the "eventually," I'd turn around and leave. Fuck you! I'm doing you a favor watching your kid! You're lucky I arrived at all!

Wally walks off because who wants to hang out with a cop? Hell, Barry's not even a cop! He's a want to be cop lab rat! And he's barely even that right now because he's on some kind of probation or something for being a huge fuck up. But Barry still offers to help out with Wally because he really, really, really wants to bang Iris.

Meanwhile in the future, Future Flash continues to run backwards saving lives where he couldn't save them before. He's also killing off all of his old enemies in the process. He killed Grodd in the annual and poor Sam Scudder eats it this time as he's cut to ribbons by his own mirrors. And then Future Flash continues his trip backwards in time.

The Flash #31 Rating: No change. Perhaps The Flash was supposed to actually confront Black Mold this issue. Or perhaps the cover really is The Flash trying to claw his way out of Brett Booth's style. It certainly isn't a very exciting cover nor did it have much to do with the story inside. So far, this Flash story has not been as exciting as Manapul and Buccellato's run! And since I'm grading on a huge curve because I liked that run so much, this story is mediocre at best! I also don't like Barry being such a pushover to Iris. Who taught him that the best way into a woman's pants is through her asshole nephew? That sounds illegal!

All Star Western #31

In this issue, Jonah Hex trips and falls face first into a campfire. Time anomaly fixed!

I had a bit of an existential crisis this morning in which I wondered why the fuck I was writing about comic books every single fucking day. And then I looked at the cover of this comic book, saw Jonah Hex grimacing like the hard bastard he is, felt a twinge of lust, and masturbated. That was followed by an even greater existential crisis in which I bargained with Jesus and told him he could be my Lord and Savior if he could just make me happy. But at that exact moment, lying on the floor amidst my tears and random bits of kitty litter, I saw an unopened bag of Darkside Skittles sitting on the bottom shelf of the bookshelf. "Too late, Jesus!" I screamed as I tore open the pack of Skittles and devoured them all from a sitting position, chewing heartily and happily as I stared at the clock, and thus time, directly in the face. It seemed my sugar levels must have been off because after gorging myself on evil candy, I felt loads better!

What actually happened this morning is that I woke up to a dream where the Non-Certified Spouse and I were running from a pyroclastic flow, sat down at the computer, surfed the web a bit (which made me feel a little bit down as I took a look at all the other Catwoman #31 reviews on the internet and realized there are people out there reading other people's reviews instead of mine, the assholes), laughed at someone actually being offended at Tumblr's little Doughnut Day Doughnut seemingly making a lighthearted D-Day reference, and then made up that first paragraph because I can't ever be honest with anybody at all. I'd rather they think I was crying and masturbating and eating candy all morning than have them know I was just sitting around feeling slightly sorry for myself because a few other people read a few other review sites.

Although I keep insisting this isn't a review site, so maybe I should be upset with myself! Maybe I should be appending "review" to all of my blog titles!

Anyway, when Jonah was last seen, he was surrounded by the Clem Hootkins Gang. Again!

It ends the way everybody knew it was going to end except the Clem Hootkins Gang.

I would be so awful in the Old West. I'd try so hard not to get myself killed that I'd probably get killed for being a spineless yellow coward. While Jonah and Tallulah seem to have no fear, managing to control every situation, I'd control no situations and have so much fear it would leak into my underwear several times per day. Although I've never shot a gun, so maybe I'm a quickdraw crackshot and I don't even know it! It's probably closer to the truth that I'd be the person getting a shot glass shoved down their throat or a key jammed into my eye. Fuck, that might still happen to me this weekend! I think I'll just stay inside.

Jonah and Tallulah only just got reacquainted and they're already bickering.

But you know this is going to end in some steamy fucking. If you're under seventeen, you should read that last sentence as "...going to end in intimate and rhythmic hugging." Don't say I've never done my part to protect the innocence of the youth!

I miss Moritat's art because it was perfectly suited for my sense of aesthetics. Unless I'm using "aesthetics" wrong. I don't even know if I spelled it correctly! Good thing you can't hear me trying to pronounce it! You'd think you were being attacked by a bunch of snakes! But for the first time, I'm appreciating Staz Johnson's art. It's not because it really seems to fit the mood. It's more because his check cleared. Enjoy your weekend, Staz!

That's more rhythmic hugging than I was expecting to see! Yee haw!

The Sheriff comes calling and makes the kids put their clothes back on. Then he and Hex have a discussion about scars and how Jonah Hex is wanted for murder. There's a guy out there kind of looks like Jonah but has the scar that Jonah used to have, and he's killing, robbing, and being generally downright disagreeable. Looks like Jonah fucked up time and now he's got to go back to the future! Or just kill the imposter.

It's hard to know with time travel what the writers are going to do with it until they actually do something with it. So Jonah has arrived back in "his" time although some things seem a bit different. That little person with the curly red hair was dead when Jonah headed to Future Gotham. Now he's alive. And there's a raggedy motherfucker that looks like Jonah out there killing people without bounties on their heads. Could be Jonah arrived back in an alternate timeline. Which is a proper possibility when writing a time travel story. The main thing to remember when writing time travel stories is consistency. Just stick to the rules you've made for your story, and you should be okay. Or just be thoroughly entertaining and I'll forgive your time travel missteps. I'm looking at you, Bill and Ted.

In the back-up story, it is revealed that Madame .44 has arrived in a strange place and that she's terrible at math.

Or she's fantastic at astronomy and knows she's looking at two moons, a planet, and a star.

There is one other explanation, Madame .44! You're in the world of Elfquest! Also, I forgot about the character I was going to create last month: Madame Edamame!

Madame .44 has either died or not died or gained They Live Grifter Vision or suffered a severe knock to the head. It's also possible she's dying, crushed under tons of rock, and having a Jacob's Ladder/An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge end of life vision. She also might be on Earth 23 unless the demon Earth is Earth 46. It's also possible she fell into an alternate timeline but is still on New Earth. Contrariwise, she may have swum into hell. Or she could have been bitten by a hallucinogenic moth and is tripping her bullets off.

On her way to town to figure out what the fuck is going on and how she can get the fuck to stop going on, her horse (which she befriended after a demon told her she was dead) gets shot by a demon bumblebee. Not that the demon bumblebee was holding a tiny little gun! No, the demon bumblebee was shot out of a rifle and blasted straight through the horse's neck. Madame .44 puts the horse out of its misery (because demon bumblebee's don't kill! They just pierce the flesh causing a little blood and horrific convulsions) and walks into town. This is the part of the story where my pants would be full of fear. But Madame .44 kills the bad guys and gets some help from the friendly neighborhood prostitutes.

I guess that's the set-up for any future Madame .44 stories to appear in any future DC Western titles.

All Star Western #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even though I wasn't very interested in the Madame .44 story, I still found myself enjoying it. And the Jonah Hex story had one of the best sex scenes so far in The New 52. That's counting the bloody foreplay. That's the best review I can do! If anybody out there writes real reviews for DC's New 52, let me know and I'll link your reviews at the end of my reviews. But you have to advertise my site on your blog as well! You have to accept that you will be backing somebody that might say something inappropriate about everybody's mother at any time! But you know what you also get? Leaving feigned humility dead in the dust, you get the best comic book reviewer (that doesn't know how to review) on the internet on your side! That's me, smart ass!

Batman #31

I see the Batman creative team finally decided to get off their asses and put a picture on the cover.

With nearly eight issues of Batman Eternal between this issue and the last Batman issue, I'd forgotten that The Riddler was trying to take part in an epic tale. Do I even care about this story anymore? Do I care about Batman?! I think I have Batman Diabetes! I can't feel my feet!

Batman has learned that The Riddler will walk away from Gotham if any citizen can ask a riddle that he can't answer. I've got one that Batman should ask him! Batman should walk up to The Riddler's Riddle Asking Square and say, "What did your mother say when I fucked her in the ass?" The answer is "The same thing as your father!" Even if The Riddler knows the answer to that riddle, he'd have to answer, "The same thing as my father!" And then every citizen in Gotham will laugh their asses off at Batman's sexual humiliation of The Riddler through the defilement of his parents' butts! The Riddler will be seen as a laughingstock and the citizens will rise up and overthrow him! Only afterward, when everybody is celebrating and excited to be safe and free again, will people begin to question the appropriateness of Batman's riddle. Did he just save Gotham with a rape joke? Some will act offended and some will act disgusted and some will blatantly state that Batman is an asshole. But they'll have the freedom to call Batman an asshole and Batman won't give a fuck about his reputation! He only cares that everybody is free! Also that he makes a billion dollars on cleaning up the vegetation with his new company "Wayne Gardening and Yard Debris Pick-up."

But for now, it looks like Lucius Fox is going to challenge The Riddler!

"What is that circle of fire?" That's your riddle, Lucius? I don't think you can ask a riddle with more than one answer and then insist the answer is not whatever The Riddler answers. He's the master riddle maker! He already knows that trick!

Batman has come up with a conclusion. His conclusion is that The Riddler is a big stupid cheat and that the Riddle Game is a smokescreen. It's that bit about giving people a little bit of hope so that their suffering is far grander. Maybe. Maybe he just pointed out that it would be easier to find The Riddler and punch him in the face than to ask a riddle he can't answer.

Batman's plan is to trace The Riddler's feed when he appears to answer a riddle. Batman will be the bait pretending to ask a riddle while Lucius and Gordon do all the other fiddly work needed to trace the signal. The trace will take ten minutes so Batman is going to have to think up a riddle much longer than the one I thought up for him.

Riddle me this, Batman! What has two wheels and flies?! A shitcycle!

Maybe to keep The Riddler talking, Batman will ask him why the chicken crossed the road. Then Edward might have to obsessively think up every answer to that riddle he's ever heard and even make a few answers up just in case. That should leave his feed open long enough to track back to his location.

Or else he'll just ask him, "Who the fuck am I?" That might keep him interested!

Batman's question has a little bit of the humiliation I suggested in my fucking Ed's parents riddle and a little bit of the who is Batman too. But it's mostly, "Who the fuck do you think you are, Edward?" I also think maybe my feelings are hurt, Batman!

Edward doesn't even come close to figuring out Batman but it doesn't matter. He still drops Batman in the trap where Batman has to fight lions. But Batman also knows he can keep Edward on the line to comment on the spectacle. What good is watching Batman torn apart by lions if you can't Rifftrax over the entire thing?

Batman takes his time defeating the lions so that Edward's signal can be traced. And then Batman asks a really stupid riddle. He asks, "Is that all you've got?" I expect that riddle from Superman but not Batman! The answer to that riddle is almost always, "Why no, sir, it is not all that I have got." The Riddler answers this one correctly, of course, and tries to drop dozens of cars on Batman's head. But Commissioner Gordon saves his ass by offering an escape route out of the Lion's Study. I think the lions die though. Batman can't save everybody!

And then the final page tells me that there are only two issues left of Zero Year! Hooray! Although this issue was exceptionally good. Probably because it's finally gotten around to the confrontation.

Batman #31 Rating: No change. This issue was exceptionally good because it has finally gotten around to the confrontation. See? I was correct about why it was better than it has been lately! Master Comic Book Reader!