All Star Western #31

In this issue, Jonah Hex trips and falls face first into a campfire. Time anomaly fixed!

I had a bit of an existential crisis this morning in which I wondered why the fuck I was writing about comic books every single fucking day. And then I looked at the cover of this comic book, saw Jonah Hex grimacing like the hard bastard he is, felt a twinge of lust, and masturbated. That was followed by an even greater existential crisis in which I bargained with Jesus and told him he could be my Lord and Savior if he could just make me happy. But at that exact moment, lying on the floor amidst my tears and random bits of kitty litter, I saw an unopened bag of Darkside Skittles sitting on the bottom shelf of the bookshelf. "Too late, Jesus!" I screamed as I tore open the pack of Skittles and devoured them all from a sitting position, chewing heartily and happily as I stared at the clock, and thus time, directly in the face. It seemed my sugar levels must have been off because after gorging myself on evil candy, I felt loads better!

What actually happened this morning is that I woke up to a dream where the Non-Certified Spouse and I were running from a pyroclastic flow, sat down at the computer, surfed the web a bit (which made me feel a little bit down as I took a look at all the other Catwoman #31 reviews on the internet and realized there are people out there reading other people's reviews instead of mine, the assholes), laughed at someone actually being offended at Tumblr's little Doughnut Day Doughnut seemingly making a lighthearted D-Day reference, and then made up that first paragraph because I can't ever be honest with anybody at all. I'd rather they think I was crying and masturbating and eating candy all morning than have them know I was just sitting around feeling slightly sorry for myself because a few other people read a few other review sites.

Although I keep insisting this isn't a review site, so maybe I should be upset with myself! Maybe I should be appending "review" to all of my blog titles!

Anyway, when Jonah was last seen, he was surrounded by the Clem Hootkins Gang. Again!

It ends the way everybody knew it was going to end except the Clem Hootkins Gang.

I would be so awful in the Old West. I'd try so hard not to get myself killed that I'd probably get killed for being a spineless yellow coward. While Jonah and Tallulah seem to have no fear, managing to control every situation, I'd control no situations and have so much fear it would leak into my underwear several times per day. Although I've never shot a gun, so maybe I'm a quickdraw crackshot and I don't even know it! It's probably closer to the truth that I'd be the person getting a shot glass shoved down their throat or a key jammed into my eye. Fuck, that might still happen to me this weekend! I think I'll just stay inside.

Jonah and Tallulah only just got reacquainted and they're already bickering.

But you know this is going to end in some steamy fucking. If you're under seventeen, you should read that last sentence as "...going to end in intimate and rhythmic hugging." Don't say I've never done my part to protect the innocence of the youth!

I miss Moritat's art because it was perfectly suited for my sense of aesthetics. Unless I'm using "aesthetics" wrong. I don't even know if I spelled it correctly! Good thing you can't hear me trying to pronounce it! You'd think you were being attacked by a bunch of snakes! But for the first time, I'm appreciating Staz Johnson's art. It's not because it really seems to fit the mood. It's more because his check cleared. Enjoy your weekend, Staz!

That's more rhythmic hugging than I was expecting to see! Yee haw!

The Sheriff comes calling and makes the kids put their clothes back on. Then he and Hex have a discussion about scars and how Jonah Hex is wanted for murder. There's a guy out there kind of looks like Jonah but has the scar that Jonah used to have, and he's killing, robbing, and being generally downright disagreeable. Looks like Jonah fucked up time and now he's got to go back to the future! Or just kill the imposter.

It's hard to know with time travel what the writers are going to do with it until they actually do something with it. So Jonah has arrived back in "his" time although some things seem a bit different. That little person with the curly red hair was dead when Jonah headed to Future Gotham. Now he's alive. And there's a raggedy motherfucker that looks like Jonah out there killing people without bounties on their heads. Could be Jonah arrived back in an alternate timeline. Which is a proper possibility when writing a time travel story. The main thing to remember when writing time travel stories is consistency. Just stick to the rules you've made for your story, and you should be okay. Or just be thoroughly entertaining and I'll forgive your time travel missteps. I'm looking at you, Bill and Ted.

In the back-up story, it is revealed that Madame .44 has arrived in a strange place and that she's terrible at math.

Or she's fantastic at astronomy and knows she's looking at two moons, a planet, and a star.

There is one other explanation, Madame .44! You're in the world of Elfquest! Also, I forgot about the character I was going to create last month: Madame Edamame!

Madame .44 has either died or not died or gained They Live Grifter Vision or suffered a severe knock to the head. It's also possible she's dying, crushed under tons of rock, and having a Jacob's Ladder/An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge end of life vision. She also might be on Earth 23 unless the demon Earth is Earth 46. It's also possible she fell into an alternate timeline but is still on New Earth. Contrariwise, she may have swum into hell. Or she could have been bitten by a hallucinogenic moth and is tripping her bullets off.

On her way to town to figure out what the fuck is going on and how she can get the fuck to stop going on, her horse (which she befriended after a demon told her she was dead) gets shot by a demon bumblebee. Not that the demon bumblebee was holding a tiny little gun! No, the demon bumblebee was shot out of a rifle and blasted straight through the horse's neck. Madame .44 puts the horse out of its misery (because demon bumblebee's don't kill! They just pierce the flesh causing a little blood and horrific convulsions) and walks into town. This is the part of the story where my pants would be full of fear. But Madame .44 kills the bad guys and gets some help from the friendly neighborhood prostitutes.

I guess that's the set-up for any future Madame .44 stories to appear in any future DC Western titles.

All Star Western #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even though I wasn't very interested in the Madame .44 story, I still found myself enjoying it. And the Jonah Hex story had one of the best sex scenes so far in The New 52. That's counting the bloody foreplay. That's the best review I can do! If anybody out there writes real reviews for DC's New 52, let me know and I'll link your reviews at the end of my reviews. But you have to advertise my site on your blog as well! You have to accept that you will be backing somebody that might say something inappropriate about everybody's mother at any time! But you know what you also get? Leaving feigned humility dead in the dust, you get the best comic book reviewer (that doesn't know how to review) on the internet on your side! That's me, smart ass!