Batgirl Annual #2

Hopefully those skulls belong to Condor and Starling.

Some people might wonder why, in the caption above, I've placed Starling on the same level as Condor. Well, that's easily explained. The only Starling stories I've ever read have been in The New 52. Even with all the shit characters Lobdell has written, Swierczynski still has the record for writing two of my most hated characters in The New 52: Starling and Condor. If she was ever entertaining or not annoying or able to actually hit a target that she was aiming at, I wouldn't know. Condor continues to suck under the guidance of Christy Marx but I think that's because she's remaining true to the character Swierczynski created. Starling ran off with Mr. Freeze rather quickly after Marx took over and hasn't been seen since. So I really do hope one of those is her skull.

You know which other characters Swierczynski wrote badly? Poison Ivy. Batgirl. Black Canary. Katana. Did I miss anybody? I do miss referring to his Birds of Prey as the Turds of Prey though. That was super mature of me!

This issue begins by showing how Batman's bad habits have rubbed off on every other hero in Gotham.

Are skylights paned in candy glass in Gotham?

Has there ever been a story where the glass from the skylight has fallen and cut the bad guys into ribbons? I suppose on those nights, Batman just slinks off back into the shadows and lets the Gotham Police happen upon an unfortunate accident. Unless the building is owned by Wayne Enterprises and then he has to call in Alfred to clean up the mess and throw the bodies in the bay.

This Birds of Prey story takes place well before Condor was an idea that should have been passed on. So Starling, Katana, and Poison Ivy are still on the team. I still don't know why this team was formed! I think Black Canary was either lonely or she was being paid to babysit Starling, Katana, and Poison Ivy.

The team is currently battling Mr. Rain for some reason. Black Canary won't say why and Batgirl trusts that her reasons are sound because Batgirl has yet to live through that whole Turds of Prey debacle. The others don't need a reason to beat the shit out of and, just possibly, kill some bad guys. Starling just came along to shoot the wall as often as possible.

Well then. Blades and guns probably weren't the most appropriate weapons to bring to the throw down.

This story is called "When Pamela Gets Blue" which is probably a clue as to what it's about. I guess Pamela is going to get blue. She does get a message from Mr. Rain and then tries to kill everybody in a story (not told here) that I think involved a plane or a rain forest and probably a whole bunch of people getting amnesia. And by "people," I mean the readers of the story.

And that's the end of season one. I mean, after Alysia screws Barbara by making her help with a lousy community garden project. That's set up so the next season can begin with Alysia showing off her tomatoes.

My guess is that eating pancakes in your sleep might be scaring off the potential suitors.

Barbara points out how people might wind up stealing the fruits and veggies which causes Alysia to take off her panties and bunch them up really tight. She tells Babs that the garden is for anybody who wants or needs anything from it, so why doesn't Babs take her fascist talk of ownership and shove it up her father's asshole. Maybe she says it with a little more tact. But she does have a point. Ownership is theft! But Babs has a point too! Because the people who believe in ownership are going to steal every vegetable in the garden to sell to the people that Alysia wants to give it to for free! If I had to pick which one of these two were currently being unreasonable, I'd pick Barbara because I like Alysia better.

After Alysia self-righteously walks out on her roommate, Barbara pees on the crops. Then later, she goes out as Batgirl to run into Poison Ivy! They're both searching for Mr. Rain but I have a feeling they're seeking him for very different reasons.

Yes. Well sure. Why don't we call "asking around and gathering evidence" "intuition"?

Poison Ivy accidentally finds Batgirl's weakness when Pamela tells her that she's pregnant. Batgirl immediately falls on her face and would have been dead if Poison Ivy wanted to kill her. She'll have to remember that bit when she does want to kill Batgirl at a later date.

I'd say you're not arresting her because you don't have the authority to arrest her. You might have the ability to tie her up against her will and leave her for the police. But let's not start pretending that's the usual legal process.

Poison Ivy hasn't turned blue yet! Although she does point out that she didn't mean she was literally pregnant. She meant she was some other kind of pregnant! Metaphorically! Or analogically! Or similillically! Which is a good thing because I was afraid she might have been impregnated by Clayface when he raped her over in Detective Comics #15.

What Poison Ivy meant was that she's just become more powerful. Now instead of just kissing people and making them do her will, she can now stab them through the face with a vine as quickly as she can think it. Sure, okay. So she's more powerful but at the cost of being way less sexy. Unless you're into being stabbed in the face. I don't want to marginalize the "stab me in the face while you fuck me hard" crowd. For them, Poison Ivy is probably a dream woman now!

Poison Ivy and Batgirl discover a warehouse full of scarred corpses and Poison Ivy points out how she's going to check the "Fern" box when the next census comes out and asks for her race. And that's the end of summer!

The best season begins and everybody gets cupcakes because it's my birthday season! Yay! Also the temperature is the most mild and the kites are screaming to be flown (the best kites ask to fly in autumn because summer is full of kite flying poseurs) and there are probably kittens everywhere! Also Batgirl and Poison Ivy are still hunting for Mr. Rain. Again, probably for very different reasons!

Yeah! It's not always lethal! Sometimes she just uses it to get better grades on her final exams.

I'm also not sure how "crashing through skylights" and "kicking in doors" constitutes a fetish for stealth!

Oh shut up, you actualliers! I know they're stealthy right up until the moment of surprise when they crash through very expensive construction materials to catch the bad guys off-guard! I'm not a full-blown moron!

Batgirl and Poison Ivy find out what Mr. Rain is doing with his subjects. He's implanting them with something that grows inside them and gives them a few more months to live. But then that something is taken out and given to somebody rich enough to pay for it. I don't know what that something does. Makes them stronger? Healthier? Allows them to live longer? Just as long as they keep paying for it.

Batgirl gets angry at Poison Ivy for not crying over some stranger that's dying due to Mr. Rain's experiments. No wait. The guy was dying anyway. The guy was able to live for a little while longer. Anyway, he's dying and it makes Batgirl sad because she's way too emotional. Poison Ivy doesn't give a fuck about this guy and I'm totally with her on that! I think Batgirl is the one acting a bit crazy. Isn't Poison Ivy's apathetic reaction to the death of a stranger that chose to be a criminal to live a little longer the more normal reaction? It's definitely the one I have!

How dare you, Barbara Gordon!

Batgirl isn't judging Poison Ivy on her inability to feel for some stranger that chose his fate. She can't be because that would be ridiculous! She must still be hurting because Poison Ivy turned on her. But even in the face of the revelation that Poison Ivy suffers from SAD (and, seriously, can there be a more apt person to suffer from it? Genius idea!), Batgirl judges Pamela's emotional reaction to the man's death as insufficient. Duh! You just fucking realized her emotional capabilities are intertwined with the changing of the seasons! So in reality, Batgirl must still be pissed at how Ivy treated their blossoming friendship. Although she treated it that way because of her Seasonal Affective Disorder, you dumb Batjerk!

I think Babs will come around to understanding all this by the time winter comes along. She has to work through her emotions (maybe with the help of some cookies from Alysia) before she can begin to come to terms with Poison Ivy's problems.

Also, Poison Ivy does care about the stranger but only because the stranger cared about his daughter and it reminded Ivy that her father never cared for her (as seen in Poison Ivy #1, on sale nowhere anymore! I mean, probably digitally! But you won't get the extra special migraine from trying to masturbate to the cover). So Ivy puts the guy out of his misery by kissing him right on the mouth!

This is what happens when you allow Gail Simone to push the boundaries on what is acceptable in a comic book! Now plants and people are having sex! Oh wait. That's already happened more than once over in Swamp Thing. Never mind.

Kissing isn't actually sex! If you think it is then you've probably had sex with your mother and your father and your aunts and your uncles and many, many babies. You pervert.

And finally Winter is here and Mr. Rain had better watch out because the end of the comic book is near! The first thing to happen is Alysia's community garden has been destroyed. The worst part is that they wrote "go home hippies" on the wall of the shed using their own shit. Gotham City is full of maniacs.

Batgirl finds Ivy and she's finally blue! She's nearly frozen and just barely keeping it together in the dead of winter. But she's found Mr. Rain. She needed Batgirl's help because she knows Batgirl will take her to Arkham where she can be safe through the winter. Mr. Rain tries to get Poison Ivy on his side by telling her he can cure her and she kicks his ass. The last thing any of us want to be told by some rich person with a drug is that they can cure us. That somehow the person we are is flawed or diseased or simply put together incorrectly.

Batgirl's lucky Ivy didn't go full tilt Poison Ice on her ass last Autumn.

On the way to Arkham, Batgirl has Poison Ivy fix up the community garden by growing lots of shit that shouldn't be grown in Gotham City at all, especially during the winter! I'm fairly certain the Swamp Thing got a new hemorrhoid or two due to this abuse of the Green.

Batgirl Annual #2 Rating: I don't rate Annuals. I usually say something extra stupid here. But this one time, I want to say something about the actual comic book. Seasonal Affective Disorder being at least partially responsible for Poison Ivy's behaviour is one of the greatest character moves I've seen so far in The New 52. It's right up there with Tomasi's reboot of Two-Face. It's much better than Bennett's creation of Twat Lobo but not quite as good as her introduction of Arkham Night Nurse! And a bazillion times greater than Swierczynksi's creation of Condor! Also, if this issue and the Poison Ivy issue of Harley Quinn aren't proof that Pamela is a lesbian then I'm going to need more proof, I guess. Lots and lots more proof!

Batwoman Annual #1

Remember when Batwoman and Batman battled each other to an unsatisfying conclusion? Me neither.

This issue begins with Batwoman battling Batman. It's a continuation of the story from Batwoman #24 which means this Annual will be satisfying for nobody who picks it up. Everyone stopped caring about that story six months ago! And anybody picking up this Annual to see if they'd like to read Batwoman regularly are going to be thoroughly confused. I'm not sure how Batman didn't make the cover though. Isn't he DC's only selling point to their comic books? How could DC miss an opportunity to make sure their fans knew that Batman was guest starring in this issue?

Luckily Batwoman reminds everybody why she's battling Batman on the first page. She needs to get Batman's secret identity so she can give it up to Mr. Bones who will then free her sister Alice. Except I think there was a back-up plan in place where Hawkfire and her dad's Black Ops Raven buddies were freeing Alice themselves. That way Alice will still be saved when Batwoman forgets whether or not she learned Batman's secret identity after waking up with a slight case of amnesia after being in a coma for three years due to Batman's beating.

The battle between Batman and Batwoman ends in five pages with Mr. Bones drowning. No wonder Batman wasn't on the cover. DC was too ashamed of the resolution of this huge fight that fans waited six months to read. It amounts to Batwoman saying, "I don't want to do this!" And Batman saying, "I know!" And Mr. Bones saying, "Gluugg glug gluuuggity gluggerton!" Also a fish rubs up against Mr. Bones face making a ZZAPT! sound for some reason. I suppose it was an electric eel? And it somehow saves Mr. Bones from drowning? Because I don't remember his cyanide touch having anything to do with electrical systems.

Seriously! Why is this in here?! Did Andreyko recently read some news story about a person saved from drowning by being shocked by an electric eel?

While Mr. Bones drowns and Batman and Batwoman spoon on the floor of a sinking ship, Hawkfire rescues Alice. It turns out the Black Ops crew she's working with are called The Crows and not The Ravens. I'm impressed with myself that after six months I came that close! Alice is drawn by Moritat so her penchant for evil and chaos is super adorable.

I bet somebody more vulgar than I could make a really nasty sex joke here!

As Alice and Hawkfire board The Crows' escape helicopter, it's hit by a blast of electricity and crashes down on the roof. Did an electric eel just bump into it too?

Meanwhile Batman and Batwoman continue their battle on dry land. And by "battle," I mean Batman holding up his hands saying, "Let's work together," and Batwoman hitting him in the face with a two by four. Turns out Batwoman's strategy works best.

Maggie Sawyer and Harvey Bullock get a minor subplot that I won't go into because nobody gets kissed or anally penetrated. At least not on panel.

Bones is fished out of the water thanks to the electric eel. Maybe. It has to fit into the plot somehow, doesn't it?! WHY WAS THAT THERE?!

Batwoman takes Batman back to the Batwomancave where she ties him up and waits for him to talk her out of working for Bones. He does that and then reveals to Batwoman that she sucks at tying knots.

Batman never jokes about beating up women.

Batman, Batwoman, and Colonel Kane come up with a secret plan to save Alice. I guess they also need to save Hawkfire and The Crows as well now. Why can't sidekicks ever do anything right when let out on their own? It's always, "No! I've been electrocuted in my helicopter somehow!" or "Oh my God, he's got a crowbar!" or "Captain America, I've always loved you in a romantic way but couldn't reveal my true feelings in the face of a zealously homophobic country!"

Mr. Bones should know it's a trap when Batwoman arrives with Batman tied up at her side. As if Batman can be held by something as simple as a common rope! Mr. Bones would normally understand this but his huge ego gets in the way and he believes his plans have gone fairly smoothly, considering. I mean, except for that stupid electric eel.

I called this around Issue #3 or something. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Guess where Batman is? No, go on! Guess! That's right! He's on the roof waiting to crash through the skylight! If I were a criminal in Gotham City, I would booby trap my skylight! Why has nobody thought of this yet?!

Nightwing and Batgirl also make an appearance although I don't think it really matters much. I think it's just to show Batwoman how she's not part of the Batfamily as she watches how well the others work together.

The battle ends with Agent Asaf (some guy I should maybe remember but it's been over six months!) shooting Mr. Bones through the head. That sucks. Hopefully his strange condition allows him to heal from bullets through the brain because he's one of my favorite characters and now I'm sad.

The issue ends with a Congressional Hearing so the reader can learn what happened to all the characters after Blackman and Williams' run on the book. Alice and Colonel Kane head off to their own private island to bond. Mr. Bones is recovering in a hospital at Hellgate Prison. Cameron Chase resigned from the DEO to reopen her Super Person Detective Agency.

The hearing doesn't know anything about Batwoman so she gets her own epilogue where she learns Batman has accepted her as one of the family. Although he does mention she'll need to sign some Franchise Contracts if she wants to keep using the name.

Batwoman Annual #1 Rating: Here is a picture of my dad's father leering lecherously at my mother.

The Flash Annual #3

Because The Flash is a total jizz blister?

I Revile Comics! That should be the name of this blog! But no! I had to go with Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea because I'm too clever for my own good! Also because I created the blog before I knew what the fucking blog was going to be about. Maybe I'll make "I Revile Comics" the subtitle! That way when people find the blog, they'll know exactly what they're getting into! After they've looked up the definition for revile.

The stupid Annual begins, as all stupid annuals do, at the beginning of a story that I'd rather read in the regular monthly format. I hate annuals. They cost too much and they're too long to hold my attention and they force me to write commentaries on fifth Wednesday weeks instead of being able to take the time off to sit in my underwear playing video games and eating Oreo cookies. They remind me that I could be not using my brain instead of using my brain! Have you noticed how much nicer life is when you don't use your brain? I mean the conscious part of your brain and not the part of the brain that reminds your lungs to keep breathing and your heart to keep beating and all that crap. That telegraph line needs to keep going or else life would be no kind of life at all.

So Barry is out doing shit and then he notices someone in a hoodie in an affluent white neighborhood and he has the typical reaction of a well-off white police officer.

It's possible he's reacting to the stranger spray painting graffiti on a wall of his newly rebuilt city but why would I want to give him the benefit of the doubt? He may be a super hero but he'll always just be a cop to me.

One thing I didn't mention in my commentary on The Flash #30 was how unimaginative the taggers were in Central City. Every piece of graffiti on the police station had "pig" in it. I would guess that this tagger was spray painting "pig" on the wall right now but I already saw on the cover that she's spray painting "[Lightning Bolt]UX" which I'm interpreting to mean Flash Sucks.

Barry rushes over to stop the criminal and discovers the kid has spray painted some anti-Flash propaganda on the wall. Barry can't let him get away with that, so Barry decides to use his super speed to catch the kid even though he isn't in his Flash costume. I guess Barry figures since the kid is a vandal, he's too stupid to realize the only way this yuppie asshole could have caught him is by running faster than any normal person can run. Barry and the police have a good laugh about the stupid kid being arrested and go back to their easy lives of subjugating the poor, the different, and the mentally ill.

I'm just checking but it's okay for me to write horrible things about police officers, right? The current social climate says they're our enemies, so I can make really horrible jokes and comments about them without anybody caring, correct? Fucking pigs! They're probably straight and Christian as well! Assholes!

Back at work, Barry Allen has a run-in with the Theory of Relativity. I have a feeling introducing the Theory of Relativity into a Flash comic book is going to get a little bit confusing. As Barry nears the speed of light, time slows down for him. Which means time speeds up for everybody else. When he's done running at super speed, more time has passed in the world than has passed for him. So The Flash runs halfway across the world in mere moments to retrieve a South American fruit for Patty. He does it in the space of a few seconds so that nobody will notice he was gone. But when he gets back, his super hot coffee is already cold. And everybody on Earth has aged 100 years! That seems like the opposite of The Flash's supposed powers! Suddenly he's fast in theory but since time is warping around him, he's not fast at all? I guess he'll just have to stop running close to the speed of light.

I have a feeling The Flash is going to be giving me a headache.

And then Barry gets introduced to the kid he apprehended earlier for wearing a hoodie. And it's no surprise to anybody ever who it is.

Although it is a surprise that he doesn't have orange hair anymore.

Iris West actually asks Barry if he can hang out with her nephew because he needs a decent role model. The fucking gall this lady has! Why the fuck would Barry want to take time out of his life to hang out with some kid he doesn't even know?! That's the kind of favor you only ask of people you're having se...oh! Barry, you dog!

Meanwhile twenty years in the future, Barry visits the grave of Wally West because he needs to save him from dying fifteen years previously (that's five years from now!). Why does he need to do this? Comic books!

Whenever I can't actually answer a question because either I don't know the answer or the answer is too ridiculous to care about, I answer "Fuck you" or "Comic books." Those answers aren't as different as they might first appear to be.

I still don't know what he's trying to repair or how saving Wally West will repair it!

Back in the present, Barry visits an idiot criminal calling himself Mogul. It's a pun just like everything else in The Flash comic books! You see, Mogul has a gun that draws moisture from the environment to make snow! He makes snow drifts and skis away from his crimes. See? It's another stupid pun! Anyway, Barry points out that this guy's snow gun doesn't just make free snow. It takes moisture from one place to use it in another. It's a lesson Barry's going to have to learn when he realizes his super powers are based in science and that speed times distance equals time and that the Theory of Relativity isn't just a theory! It's the law! Ha ha! I stole that from Beakman! He'll never know! Besides, he probably stole it from Bill Nye!

Meanwhile twenty years from now again, Gorilla Grodd is busy eating brains while sitting in a rope web. I guess he's become a Spider Monkey in the intervening years. He's also been busy eating the brains of people connected to the Speed Force so that he could gain their powers. He managed to eat Daniel West's brain, gaining the Reverse-Speed-Force Power! Which means he can run slow? No wait! It means he can go back in time! Which Grodd did! He traveled back in time to save documents lost to history. Which is why all of Earth's history books suddenly have mentions of talking apes in them.

The Flash dreams of committing infanticide. Just like a cop!

Flash and Grodd battle in the future as Flash and some hooligans with ultrasonic vibrators tangle in the past. In the past, The Flash says he'll never take a life. In the future, The Flash blows Grodd's head off by putting a tiny bomb in his ear. Enh. Twenty years can really change a person.

Speciesist.

Now Future Flash has determined that he needs to go back in time to kill present Flash. Because being in charge of the time stream is a job that nobody should have! Or something.

The Flash Annual #3 Rating: Relativistic! Time travel is never a good thing for a comic book character to involve themselves with. It just gets so complicated that they eventually simply have to kill themselves! I guess. I'm sure the death of The Flash will solve everything! At least for about twenty years. That's about how long the solution held last time.

Batman Eternal #4

This cover makes less sense than people who defend Aquaman.

It's recently been brought to my attention that I don't mock and deride Aquaman enough. I've really let him slide. But we've entered a time and place where there are more defenders of Aquaman than there are detractors. Aquaman fans have grown tired of keeping their love of the King of the Seas to themselves for fear of being ridiculed and wedgied. They were exhausted trying to explain to people why he was such an amazing hero only to have people point out he rides giant seahorses. But in the anti-bullying air of our modern world, they have finally decided enough was enough. They have risen up and shouted, "Enough!" "Aquaman is cool!" they shout! "Aquaman is strong and a king and bullet proof or something!" they passionately yell as they realize they're quickly running out of ways to make him seem interesting. "He talks to fish!" they shout at the same time the Aquaman haters shout, "He talks to fish!" Realizing that talking about Aquaman isn't going to prove that Aquaman is awesome, they have begun to deride those of us that know Aquaman is not awesome. They want to portray people who think of Aquaman as a joke as being outside the comic book fandom. They say people who hate Aquaman only do it to sound cool and to make friends with cool people and to impress good looking people who will want to kiss them after they hear them say Aquaman is dumb. Well, I'm not going to stand for that kind of shit! I am nearly a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and I am declaring that Aquaman sucks! Now who wants to kiss me?

Oh my god! I just had a great idea! DC should have Scott Lobdell write Aquaman! I wonder if Rob Liefeld has calmed down and is ready to work with DC again because he'd be the perfect artist for the job!

I also realized I have a positive thing to say about Aquaman! He's having sex with possibly one of the best characters in DC Comics, Mera! Also that thing about him riding giant seahorses? That's one of my favorite things about him! If Aquaman fans really wanted to win me over to loving Aquaman, they should point out how silly he was treated back when DC Comics didn't really know what they were doing. I think that was the first sixty years of the company. I like whimsical Aquaman! Also I like hard, dirty, bearded Aquaman by Peter David. Hmm. Maybe I like Aquaman?

I wish Aquaman had a weekly comic book! I would call it Aquaman's Undersea Adventures and Fun Time Sea-Pony Rides!

Enough about Aquaman! Let's point out how stupid Batman is now!

Gordon is still being railroaded by the corrupt legal system of Gotham.

Here's how you can tell the judicial system in Gotham is corrupt: a police officer is actually being treated like a criminal for firing his gun and getting people killed. That never happens! Cops constantly go around shooting people indiscriminately and never wind up paying for it! They might get some paid leave as the situation is investigated but they never wind up in court and they're never held in a jail cell! Ever! So when a police commissioner that's well known for actually doing his job fairly and well winds up in Blackgate Prison, you know it's due to corruption! The corruption that normally would let Gordon go free proves the corruption that's causing Gordon to end up in a cell in Blackgate!

Batgirl is a bit pissed off that her father has been arrested. Also because the judge declared that billions of dollars in damages were done to the city's infrastructure due to the subway accident. There's no way he's going to be able to reimburse the city on his commissioner's salary. So she heads out into the night to beat up on Pyg's thugs knowing that Batman will show up so she can ask him for a loan.

Meanwhile the new Commissioner's Number One Priority is to take down The Batman.

Ho hum. Yes, yes. Crooked cops hate Batman but love gang wars. Batman has never caused any deaths but he must be stopped for vigilantism before gangs filling the streets with drugs and death can be dealt with. Blah blah blah. So bored of this crap.

I guess this is the main story of Batman, whether I like it or not. There's a reason Gotham needs a vigilante. The cops are crooked and they suck and they just want to line their pockets. Sure, there are a few good ones like a bunch I can't name off the top of my head. You know, the fat guy and the brown girl and the lesbian and the new white guy and the ginger sitting in jail. But aside from those cops, the rest are smudgy little dingleberries. It seems like over half of Gotham's problems are committed in the name of stopping the Batman. Maybe Batman would do more good if he became Secret Batman instead of Symbol of Fear Batman! I think he needs less notoriety.

Batman decides to speak with Falcone by crashing through Falcone's skylight instead of ringing the doorbell. And then Batman is surprised when Falcone's thuggish secretaries don't want to let him into the office! Maybe Commissioner Forbes is right! This man is a menace!

For some reason, Batman doesn't smash Falcone's face through a table the way he did to The Penguin's face. I think Batman is playing favorites! Or he's afraid of Falcone. I think I'll go with that one! Batman is a coward!

Meanwhile in the Batcave, Batgirl has decided running around smashing tables with The Penguin's face and kicking in Falcone's skylight is less effective than doing actual research on the Batcomputer.

She's really good with computers. I wonder if she's ever thought about doing it for a living?

Barbara finds a lead using the computer and Batman says, "PSHAW! If I didn't discover it, it won't lead anywhere!" And Batgirl says, "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! YOU AREN'T THE ONLY HERO IN THE DC UNIVERSE!" Then I stand up and applaud.

And then the best part of Batman Eternal happens as Gordon is brought to Blackgate!

An appearance by Warden Agatha Zorbatos! SWOON!

Gordon is thrown into Blackgate's general population because that's exactly what you do with somebody awaiting trial who hasn't been convicted yet! Fuck the county jail cells. Just put him in with murderers and rapists and those guys that sold half a pound of weed in the eighties who are now watching as America increasingly comes to terms with the legalization of the drug while they continue to rot in prison for the rest of their lives. American Justice! It's the best!

Batman Eternal #4 Rating: No change. I think I'm going to stop doing commentaries on Batman Eternal. I think this comic book is going to drive me to hate Batman! He's like a guest that won't fucking take a hint and go home! He's like my old neighbor that used to come over to the window with a beer and stand there trying to talk with me while I was inside playing computer games. Go find somebody else to be friends with, Drunk Batman! Can't you see I'm busy and just want to be left alone?!

Worlds' Finest #22

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that these two don't actually fight this issue. At most, they might have a minor squabble or inconsequential disagreement.

I was detailing my elementary school achievements during the First Contact storyline but since that only lasted four issues and I managed to stay in school for more than four years, I'll have to continue digging through my past during regularly scheduled episodes of Worlds' Finest. Next up: Third Grade!

My finest award in third grade is also the scariest.

I have no memory of participating in any carnival at all. I was probably forced to do it.

I also received two certificates that seem less like achievements and almost feel a bit insulting. They're fancy certificates for having achieved "basic competency" in math and reading.

Satanic Principal Passarello: "Has this child managed to struggle through our Master's Black Prayer?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Yes, Dark Lord of Haman Elementary. Well enough, I suppose. He seemed to question the veracity of our Evil Master but he managed to recite the Dark Incantation promising his soul to He That Fulfills Our Desires."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good! Good! And has he shown a flair for calculating the proper mix of human blood with rabid dog feces for the Carnival's Punch?"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Enh. Competent, at best."
Satanic Principal Passarello: "Good enough! You may honor him with mediocre awards on shoddy paper stamped with the Unholy Seal of the Santa Clara Unified School District! Go Haman Eagles!"
Satanic 3rd Grade Teacher Mrs. Black: "Go Haman Eagles!"

I also received this outstanding achievement because my Satanic Elementary School was simply obsessed with hooters.

You can see in Woodsy's eyes that he's warning me to run! Run from this evil institution! As fast and as far as I can!

And finally, proof that I excelled in the Dark Arts.

If only I had the work of art here in Portland that was hung in the museum when I was eight. It was of a haunted house, further proof that Darkness and Evil were lauded and awarded at my Satanic Elementary School.

Of the things that could be officially awarded by the school district, those were the extents of my accomplishments in third grade. And what of the Unholy things that could not officially be recognized? Well, those would best go unnamed, wouldn't they?

Last issue of Worlds' Finest left Kara angry at Hel for closing the portal that led back home and, almost assuredly, to pain and torture and near immediate death.

I'm fairly certain that Power Girl lives in a van down by the river.

For this issue, Gamorra will be played by "Gammora." Now please respect our players with silence, turn off your cell phones, and stop tearing open candy bags during the performance.

Kara and Hel stop bickering about the dangers of a now non-existent portal when the last of the ARGUS agents burst into the room to claim all of Kaizen Gamorra Jr's busted up technology. Power Girl decides beating the agents senseless would be better than giving them the technology that she's been looking for for five years.

"Good question"? I guess she's also decided speaking nonsense gives her a tactical advantage.

The Worlds' Finest Girls spend the next few pages beating up ARGUS agents. Speaking of The Huntress as a "girl", she really cannot be seventeen like Batman thought she was a few issues ago (possibly in Batman Loves Superman). Because there is no way she came over to New Earth as a twelve year old. Maybe she was seventeen when she first came over. I'd buy that!

For some reason, The Huntress decides to have a flashback to nearly four years ago. I suppose she could be thirteen in this flashback since the sex slave hunters she's battling refer to her as a kid in a mask. But if she is suddenly that young, it's retroactive! I have a feeling if I reread the older issues of this comic book, I'd feel all oogy by the way they portray her when first coming to New Earth if I'm supposed to believe she was twelve.

However old she is, she defeats the sex slave hunter bad guys and the flashback ends. I don't know why it occurred when it did though! I guess the storyline on New Gamorra was over?

The Huntress heads home to research the technology she stole from Gamorra while Power Girl flies away to think about how hot the bad guy was. There's a lot of that going on in The New 52. Some guy tries to kill a woman. The woman hates him for it but can't stop mentioning how hot and sexy the guy is. Really? Does that really go through someone's mind when thinking about some asshole that just tried to kill you? "Man! If only he hadn't tried to stab me in the face, I'd fuck his brains out!"

While The Huntress discovers whatever I'll find out she discovers on the last page, Kara learns from her lawyers that Starr Industries has been returned to her. She immediately tells them to sell it all, leave her one lab, and get those fat stacks of cash into her bank account as fast as possible. She has a Dimension Tunneler to build!

Are two points of evidence really enough when you're dealing with alternate realities that might differ in only the slightest of ways?

Worlds' Finest #22 Rating: No change. I have only one idea for why that story was shoved in the middle of this comic book. I think some artists couldn't make their deadlines so they split the story into two separate bits and brought in some other artists to finish up the flashback. I don't think the flashback had anything to do with the main story. I suppose it could be setting up a confrontation with the sex traffickers in a future issue. Anyway, as I pointed out, there was no battle between the besties. They bickered a bit and that was it.

Aquaman #30

Aquaman! Aquaman! Not as cool as Spider-man! Talks to fish! Can't spin a web! Stoically boring! Wish he were dead! Look out! Let's go read something else!

Hopefully Aquaman only has one pair of orange Atlantean Armor-Tights. Unless that means he's going to get into his underwater camouflage suit from the 1980s. That suit was awful. Also, that mini-series was awful. I owned it for over thirty years before finally reading it a few months ago. It was basically Aquaman weeping uncontrollably in a therapy session. That makes it sound more entertaining than it actually was. But here's a secret: I always make comic books sound more entertaining than they actually are!

Last issue, an archaeologist had this pet theory. The theory amounted to his belief that magic was science and science was not magic. It makes sense if you're an idiot. Like the archaeologist. If an advanced civilization from outer space had to judge our professions by our popular entertainment, they would think archaeologists had the most exciting and dangerous job ever conceived on the planet Earth. They would wonder why every depiction of archaeologists on the job omitted the armed security and legions of soldiers that would inevitably be needed to contain whatever mythic or alien or biological disaster was about to be released by the old people and students digging in the dirt. Obviously something was going to go wrong! Why aren't they ever prepared?!

The archaeologist's theory just happened to release the monsters of Greek legend. Duh! Forget advanced civilizations! The archaeologists in comic books should have noticed a pattern by now! You fuck with ancient ruins, you're going to release unspeakable terrors and lots of people are going to die! Fuck fiction! It even happens in our reality! People are still dying every day due to the Curse of the Mummy!

Also released due to the archaeologist's idiocy? Hercules! And he's pissed off! And drunk! But not horny because he had plenty of Gorgons and Harpies and Nagas to fuck while imprisoned in the Atlantean Phantom Zone. Unless he was fucking the satyrs and the centaurs and the big dicked dick monsters. I think Scylla was one of those, if I'm not mistaken. And I rarely am, so you should probably believe me. Remember how I nailed the facts with that Mummy's Curse thing last paragraph?

Meanwhile in Triton Base, Creature King was busy undergoing his Reboot Origin. He'll probably be called Dr. Orson's Monster which will eventually just get shortened to Orson which will piss off all the assholes that can't help pointing out when other people (who aren't worried about appearing stupid) are technically wrong.

Forget about Creature King for now! Aquaman will stop him from eating things in a future story arc. For now, Aquaman has to keep Hercules from attending a buffet at Golden Corral. Not because people will die but because franchise buffets are awful. They must be the worst place anybody can ever eat ever! I've never eaten at a Golden Corral but I have eaten at Casa Bonita which technically isn't a buffet even if they serve you as much food as you want and that food is barely edible. But at least Casa Bonita has cliff divers and puppet shows and fire jugglers and racist stereotypes! I did once eat at Izzy's when I first moved to Portland because I was a complete and utter idiot and much, much younger than I am now. I also figured, "How bad can all you can eat pizza be?" Well, let me tell you how bad: I don't actually remember! But I do remember that there was a family of four eating nearby. The parents were forcing their kids to get as much pizza down their throats as they could. So much so that at one point, I look up to see a panicked, chubby ten year old girl running down the aisle toward me. Right before she gets to my table she stops and projectile vomits across the aisle. Barely chewed pizza, soda, and a general orange half-liquid mass sprayed across the floor and tables and seats and a poor couple that happened to be sitting one booth ahead of me. The man stood up and shouted some obscenity as vomit streamed from his leather jacket. He slammed his cup down on the table, grabbed the arm of the woman seated next to him, hauled her up from the seat, and stormed out without paying. The young girl, already embarrassed from vomiting, now shamed by the man's outburst of anger, ran crying into the sanctuary of the bathroom where she had planned to relieve the pressure in her stomach in the first place. The Non-Certified Spouse and I paid, walked out, and never returned.

Way to go, genius! You actually used observable science to figure out a problem for once! As opposed to the mystic mumbo jumbo you usually use! "Let's see. When I put the trident in the hole, it opened the evil gate. Maybe...maybe...if I remove it...!"

So Dr. Smart Guy Archaeologist closes the gate. But the monsters and Hercules are still on the wrong side of the portal! This looks like a job for Wonder Woman! Aquaman should just pack up and go home since this conflict is taking place on land. He's useless on land! That's why his name isn't Landman! I guess it could be Terraman but that name is already taken by a space cowboy or something.

Hercules sees Dr. Dumb Dumb holding the trident and decides to squash him. Aquaman saves him for some reason and then asks him his professional opinion on opening mystic portals.

Yes? How the fuck do you know?! You were merely guessing that putting Aquaman's trident in a trident-shaped hole would do something in the first place! Now you're a fucking expert on opening scientific portals?!

Aquaman wrestles Hercules in the Greek style. Probably because that's the only way Hercules knows how to wrestle! He doesn't know about all the advances in wrestling like the Camel Clutch or the Figure Four or diving on somebody from the upper turnbuckle! He only knows the boring style where you escape and reverse and then escape and then escape and then reverse and then somebody gets pinned. Between all of the escapes and reversals, the one opponent or the other is constantly touching the other person's junk.

In the Mera sitting as acting Queen on the Throne of Atlantis subplot, Mera is almost assassinated by forces from her home kingdom of Xebel. But she's rescued by Aquagirl! She's simply known as Tula right now because she hasn't been given the vaguely racist name of Aquagirl yet by the landdweller's media outlets.

Back to the main story, Hercules places Aquaman in the sea because Hercules falls for Aquaman's ruse that he doesn't want to drown. Hercules hasn't gotten any smarter over time. He has become more schizophrenic though. He keeps hearing a voice in his head telling him to kill Aquaman. The voice also calls him fat and ugly. It also points out that Frankenstein lasers on the moon built by Jews are controlling his thoughts.

Between the voices and Aquaman's super underwater powers, Hercules begins having a hard time dealing with life.

Notice how Hercules' voices compare Aquaman to the big dick monster? Those green pants are pretty tight.

Once Aquaman stops Hercules by nearly drowning him, he takes him back up on land where Dr. Doody Head has reconfigured the portal to open up on the Labyrinth. Hercules is tossed in and the portal is closed and everybody (except Hercules) lives happily ever after. Also except other people on Earth since the children of the Titans have fled to all corners of the globe to eat people. I guess Aquaman can deal with that later.

Oh, I guess later will be in July.

Aquaman #30 Rating: No change. Jeff Parker seems to write comic books in a way that I remember comic books being written back in the 80s except better because those comic books I remember fondly usually don't live up to how I remember them. It's light and entertaining and he's not trying to break any boundaries with his concepts. It's enjoyable! It's like enjoying a pint on the porch on a sunny, slightly breezy day. But distilled in comic book form. And different.

Superman #30

Oh goody! Ed Benes is doing the art! You know what that means?! CHEESECAKE JIMMY OLSEN!

This issue begins with Scott Lobdell and Ed Benes both doing what they do best! Lobdell completely Lobdells the first page with twelve Narration Boxes and a static image that screams, "Scott Lobdell doesn't know how to start a fucking story!" And what is that static image drawn by Ed Benes? Boobs! Great big nearly naked titties! These guys are doing their best work here!

Who do the breasts belong to? Who the fuck cares! They aren't Superman's or Lois's or Jimmy Olsen's! Hell, they're not even Perry White's! It's just some woman hanging out with some man on Honeymoon Island which--and I'm quoting the fuck out of that genius writer Scott Lobdell now--"some people insist is one of the most beautiful beaches in the world." He probably meant most beautiful islands but why quibble about that when there's going to be so much more to complain about later!

I'm sure we're not going to need to know anything about these two people because they're probably about to be killed by Doomsday.

This is the best part of the first four pages. When Lobdell uses "choses" instead of "chooses." He also doesn't know the difference between The Arctic and Antarctica, and thinks that a century is 1000 years.

I'm sure Lobdell was proud of his little four page short story about Alistair and Jane. It was a magnificent commentary on dysfunctional relationships and the brevity of happiness. I applaud his talents. But now that the inconsequential introduction is over, Lobdell has to begin his story all over again by introducing Sam Lane and Narration Boxing pertinent facts about his history and his character! Like how he's witnessed strange things! And how he's spent most of his life in the military! And how he survived being in the heart of two suns! And how he was from Tamaran. And how he once visited a village of long dead people that suddenly weren't dead! And how there's this mysterious thing called The Tower! And how his daughter is Lois Lane! And how he witnessed a tear in the time/space Omninuum! But now he's in Smallville and he's stupefied like he's never been stupefied before! He's super stupefied!

Sam Lane is visiting Smallville because all of its residents have fallen into comas. And that means Superman has to make an appearance too! And how does Scott Lobdell introduce him?! You guessed it! Mid-comic Lobdelled opening!

So Superman thinks an assault on Smallville is a compliment to the Man of Steel?

Notice how Scott Lobdell captures the precise attitude of the longtime beloved character of Superman? How Superman is less concerned about his hometown friends and what he can do about it and more concerned with demanding a short and succinct explanation in a very threatening manner. You'd think he'd want accuracy as opposed to brevity! But who am I to know how Superman would react? Scott Lobdell is the professional!

Superman investigates and discovers The Eradicator who challenges him to a game of Squash. If Superman defeats him, he'll get to unmask him! But Superman probably won't defeat him because The Eradicator is made up entirely of Kryptonite. Which Superman fails to notice somehow before flying right up to him and losing all of his powers.

The Eradicator turns out to be a completely apathetic piece of shit. He's been sitting around in a silo just waiting to tell Superman that Earth will be destroyed by Superman. How does he know that? Fuck you! He just knows! He throws Superman into space and then exits stage left.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane is still psychic.

Even when you think Scott Lobdell is writing the worst shit he can possibly write, he goes and writes even worse shit. Bloody shit. Shit with bits of cancerous flesh clinging to it.

Scott Lobdell decides to dedicate a single panel to showing the Fortress of Solitude. But he's horrible at geography, so he decides not to say exactly where the structure is located. Instead he says "atop the world." Since he doesn't know if the Arctic or Antarctica is "atop the world," this is probably his best bet for not looking like a complete asshole. I mean, a bigger, more complete and well-rounded asshole.

Cat contacts Clark about their website because she'd hate to rebrand it after how popular it became due to one big story that just fell in their laps. You know what would have been better than worrying about rebranding a shitty site that will never be visited again? Selling it for thirteen million dollars, you dumb journalist. Journalist is one of the worst words I can think to call a person. Perhaps only Local Newscaster is more insulting.

And then Cyborg reports to Superman that he may have found a lead on Doomsday.

Actually, there are other and, more importantly, more accurate ways to say it. Destroyed. Obliterated. Demolished.

Superman #30 Rating: Minus how ever many ranks it takes to get it to the bottom of the heap. Probably just one rank! It can just fill the vacuum left by the cancellation of the previously worst comic of The New 52, The Teen Titans! Also written by Scott Lobdell. His writing is awful!