Catwoman #27

Am I the only one at least partially disturbed with Catwoman, a person Bruce loves to fuck, dressed similarly to Robin? Is that what Gothtopia really is? A place that doesn't judge a man for wanting to fuck his young sidekick?

For anyone that doesn't know, Gothtopia is this story where The Scarecrow and Mad Hatter and various other Gotham Crazies have drugged the entire city so that they believe everything is going swimmingly. "Going swimmingly" is how phys ed teachers of the fifties used to describe their alternative sex life when they didn't want to use words like "domination" or "heavy leather ball gag" or "genital mutilation." I learned that from a Final Jeopardy question. Anyway, some citizens have been breaking out of the drug induced paradise and been killing themselves. A few superheroes have been breaking through the spell and not killing themselves because they need to save everybody from living a beautiful, happy, harmonious life.

In Gothtopia, Catwoman has become Batman's new partner and goes by the name of Catbird. Who wants to bet against her being called "Cat-Turd" at some point in this comic book? Because I've got twenty bucks on it!

If somebody were to really take that bet, I'd probably lose my money. I forget that just because I think of it and that I would put it in a story, that doesn't mean a writer that has to answer to a bunch of editors would wind up doing it.

Ann Nocenti titles this issue "Happiness is a Cold Gun" because of reasons. After reading the issue, I may very well learn why she titled it that. But I've also learned not to put too much effort into understanding anything written by Ann Nocenti. She's the person that wrote a Green Arrow story where a woman juggling flaming batons kept shouting advice at him. Now, that could have really been happening even though it's unbelievable that she would have kept encountering Green Arrow again and again. Does it make more sense to think of her as a guardian angel or a magic pixie? Maybe. I don't know! Like I said, I don't think about it. I just read it and let it wash over me like five day old diarrhea.

Gothtopia. Where sexuality isn't a spectrum; it's a Fudge Brownie With Walnuts Party and everybody is coming. On the brownies.

The issue opens with Batman and Catbird catching a couple of criminals on the rooftop. It's possible (and I'm going to do just a tiny amount of thinking about Nocenti's writing here. I know, I know. It's a bad habit and I keep falling back into it) that Ann Nocenti has no ability to comprehend the assignment she's been given. Gotham City has no crime. Everyone believes it's a warm, peaceful place. But here are two criminals committing crime and aware that everybody else is acting goofy. Not only that, the police show up and point out that crime is down 99% and the only crime left is suicide. Is that even a crime? Is Attempted Suicide a crime? If attempted suicide is not, why would successful suicide even be a crime since you don't have a live perp left to convict? Anyway, it's pointed out that no crime is happening while they're arresting two criminals for committing crime. Is it Ann Nocenti that's fucking up or am I to believe that everybody is so out of it that they don't have any clue what they're doing from moment to moment? And should I believe that these two criminals have broken free from the Scarecrow's toxin? So far the only ones to do that are geniuses like Batwing and Batman! Somebody keep an eye on these two evil genius burglars!

More sexy orgasmic kissing. I always figured Batman and Catwoman to be the type to come at the same time.

Catbird's friend, Selina Kyle (wink wink!), goes to the police station later to help counsel people who have attempted suicide. Once again, Ann Nocenti has a character mentioning that "a suicide attempt is, technically, a crime." Fucking bullshit. This is more of that "crocodiles prefer rotten meat" bullshit that Nocenti keeps pulling out of her ass. Does Ann Nocenti know anything about fact checking? Lord Google does a pretty good job if you ask him politely and turn on Safe Search so you don't get distracted. I know she does research for her stories because she always over uses lingo whenever she has a character involved in a new pastime or career. Half the time she doesn't even get the lingo right but she seems to feel like she's gotten the job done well if she can manage to stick as much of it into the conversation as possible. So now she's told me that crocodiles prefer rotten meat which is a lie. She's told me that cats can't swim which is a lie. And now she's saying that attempted suicide is technically a crime. Which is a lie. I'd be willing to blame Selina Kyle for having her facts wrong but the police earlier categorized suicide as the only crime left in Gotham.

My point is this: you literally do get dumber reading an Ann Nocenti story!

Anyway, Selina Kyle is going to get to the bottom of the rampant wave of Gotham Suicides! If she just asks the right questions and the people just tell her nonsensical answers, she'll crack this case wide open! Just like a Unicorn Detective!

Why isn't this an AMC Series?

Before Catbird has to join up with the Birds of a Feather and Bluebelle and Flying Fox, she receives one last call from a person worried about his friend. The caller purposefully misunderstands her advice and hangs up. And then Selina goes on with her life as we jump forward in time to Batman's incarceration in Crane's Health and Wellness Center.

I should also mention, because I'm a petty bitch, that Bluebelle is spelled "Bluebell" in this issue.

And then this is Catbird's reaction when the man she hasn't been able to keep her lips off of during the first few pages of this comic is put away for having a psychotic break:

"Welp, no time to wait and see what's wrong with Bruce. I guess it's time to reenter the dating pool!"

Words. Words are not enough. I'd like to explain how awful Ann Nocenti's writing is. I really would like to be able to express just exactly how terribly she puts the words next to the other words and then adds some more words until their whole purpose, as words, becomes hidden in their sudden unwordiness. No matter how many sentences she forms, her ideas remain inchoate. The ideas never venture forth from the primordial soup to become stories. They just kind of flop around, a mess of protein strands that never quite become life. And she has me torturing metaphors in my attempt to understand how she can be so ununderstandable!

I'm not good enough at the wordsmithing to explain how bad Ann Nocenti's writing is. That last paragraph was my attempt and it was a sad miscarriage. Luckily you don't need me to see how horrible Nocenti is! Let me allow her to display her skill. Exhibit A:

Thank Jesus on High for the person that invented the trash can! Whatever did we do with all of our stinky things before then?

That night, Selina Kyle has a dream about her former self. She remembers that she's a thief. Oh! And here's where we get to the part where Ann Nocenti did her research to find out the names of various types of criminals! Like wheelmen and safecrackers and thieves and pickpockets and confidence men and escape artists and hackers and hustlers! Wait. Are escape artists actually criminals? I suppose she means people that escape from prisons and not people like Talon and Houdini!

Anyway, Selina seems to know who she is in her dreams but she keeps denying it. She wakes up and gets back to being Catbird until she meets the guy she gave the bad advice to earlier. He's a man in bird armor. Is he Catwoman's opposite: Birdman?! And when she meets him, she begins to see the real Gotham flicker in and out in much the same way Batman and Batwing did before they broke the Scarecrow's spell.

This guy's name is Steeljacket. I've never heard of him but apparently he's the second best burglar in Gotham but he seems to always try to steal the things that Catwoman has just stolen because he's, presumably, an idiot. And now he's trying to wake up Catwoman so she can become the best burglar in Gotham again? I guess he just can't handle success.

Anyway, by telling Catwoman the truth and letting her beat the shit out of him, Catwoman somehow overcomes The Scarecrow's toxin. Batman and Batwing needed drugs to do that but then they're weak assholes. Now that Catwoman sees the truth, maybe next month she'll turn to Steeljacket and ask, "Who the fuck are you?"

Catwoman #27 Rating: No change. Does anybody like Ann Nocenti? I want to hear from that one reader that defended Ann Nocenti a long time ago and said that he thought her dialogue was like David Lynch's dialogue! Can you still defend her after this god-awful run on Catwoman? Can you?! Dare you?!

Ms. Marvel #1

Oh my God! Like, the Patriarchy, amirite?

At first when I walked into the comic shop to look for this comic book, I was like, "Do you have that new comic book about a girl?" And the comic book sales clerk (that really should be dressing as if he's dealing with the public and not like he's cooking bacon in his mother's basement on a short-circuiting George Foreman Grill? I mean, for real! Get some self-esteem, you know? Maybe trim that beard a bit and do a few sit-ups? I mean, if you ignored his current physique and his lackadaisical attitude toward the feelings of other people that have to look at him, he's got a really decent body shape? You know? Like his shoulders are wide enough that they almost outshine the extra pounds around his middle? Get rid of those and oh my god! We've got a torso magnifique! And, ugh, he was wearing short pants or long shorts? But his calves looked really hot? Probably because they get the best work out moving his body from the couch to the fridge every few minutes? Oh my god! Am I being so petty right now? I'm not judging! I'm trying to help, you know?) said "Oh, you mean Ms. Marvel?" because I guess they didn't have a lot of new comic books about girls that day? So he pointed to the comic book right there on the stand next to the register and I was all like, "Ch! Really?" And he was all, "That's the one you wanted, right?" And I was all, "Uh. Yeah! But did you see this cover? I mean, the Patriarchy, amirite?" And he got a quizzical look on his face and said, "Um. What?" And I picked up the comic book and held it up to his face and pointed at it with my middle finger because that's the best pointing finger and it always like throws people off because they can't tell if you're being rude or just casual, you know? And I'm pointing and telling him all the what's what of what is what! "Like, look at that picture? Tell me what you like see?" And he's all, "Ms. Marvel in a paisley scarf?" And I'm all, "Really? Because what I see is a woman with half of her head cut off? And her breasts just emblazoned across the cover as if they're like the focal point of the entire experience? Male gaze much?" And he's all, "I think you're being ridiculously overzealous?" And I'm like all, "Are you kidding me? You really just said 'overzealous' in a conversation about a Muslim character?" And he laughed because I guess he thought I was joking? And when he laughed, I saw his true inner self (you know the one we all have? the person that you were when you were like four and you were happy and free from worry and strife? The one that stays with you no matter how old you get but just gets covered up with piles and piles of the world's crap and the detritus of years but is still sometimes able to scrabble free from the rubble and express itself?) and I was like, "Ha! Yeah, I'm totally joking? I'll buy this." And he was all, "Okay? That will be $2.99? Do you have a subscription box discount?" And I was all, "What? No? I just want this."

Was that story too long? Was it unnecessary? I've never written one of these things before but my cousin Grunion Guy said he needed help reviewing Marvel Comic books? And I was like, "I don't read comic books?" And he was all, "But you might like it!" And I was all doubtful and squinty and he said, "People will love you and probably start following your Twitter!" And I was all, "Twitter? Why would I have Twitter?" Anyway-Z, you probably already guessed the end of this anecdote because you're reading this? Which means I agreed to do it for some reason? Probably because I have a lot of important things on my mind!

So the comic book begins with 16-year old Kamala drooling over bacon which she can't eat because of religious dietary law? I know it's probably an important part of the religion because it's like a major no-no but most people don't have to worry about trichinosis anymore? I mean, I guess everybody essentially has to worry about it if they eat pork just like they have to worry about salmonella if they eat chicken or worry about getting the skitters if they eat peaches? And I suppose if religious leaders were eager to embrace change they'd lose a lot of their power and influence? So nobody in the Muslim community is rushing out to declare pork an acceptable alternative to falafel? And look at what's happened to the fracturing of Christianity? Because people just want to do what they want to do but still believe God is on their side? So they're like, "I'm going to get a divorce because I believe God doesn't mind when I get a divorce!" And the church is all, "Oh no you don't!" And they're all, "Your version of God's will is outdated and stodgy! Like, get with the times, man? Or should I say, 'Get with the tempus, homo?' so you'll, you know, understand it? Like by the way, we're dropping the Latin and going with English, if you didn't get my sarcastic drift?"? Anyway-Z, Kamala's friend Kiki has a helpful suggestion?

Maybe I really shouldn't talk so much about religion since I don't always totally know what I'm talking about? My religion is "secular don't really think about it much since it doesn't really fit into my life"?

Is eating "Fakon" similar to saying "Gosh Darn"? It's like circumventing the letter of the law but saying "Suck it!" to the spirit of the law?

The art is like really cute and has this aloof water color feel that makes it say, "Yeah. I'm all that and everything but you know? Whatever? I'm just gonna sit over here on this page looking flipping adorable while you do what you want? Don't mind me. Or do? Whatever, you know?" I can see why people read comic books now? This is way better than reading a bunch of words since my mind is like engaged on the colors and the people's expressions and the various objects? That's different than reading words describing those things because then it's all "yada yada yada" and I'm like reading the words but thinking about what I'm planning to order at Starbucks as soon as I can slog through the rest of this chapter because I like totally deserve a reward for reading so much literature?

Okay, so back to the comic book? Because I'm only on like the first page! Let's see what happens on the second page?

Oh my god! Zoe Zimmer is like the cutest, most perkiest character ever?

Kamala's friend Kiki (who actually likes to be called Nakia because Kiki is an American nickname that she doesn't appreciate even though it's cute? So I probably shouldn't call her Kiki? But she's like only a fictional character? Do I have to treat her as if she really had feelings and appreciate her desires and concerns? Oh, like I get it! It's like how I respect this fictional character is how I'd respect people in my day to day life, right? So if I insist on calling Nakia 'Kiki,' that's like being disrespectful of actual people that ask that you respect their choices concerning their identity? Or something?) doesn't like Zoe Zimmer but I think she's misjudging her because she's blonde and her exuberance makes her seem vapid and because she's dating a musclebound jock? I get that all the time? Being judged because of the way I speak? Like, I know I say "like" a lot and tend to sound like I'm always asking questions? But that shouldn't negate my actual intelligence, you know? There's more to me than my blonde hair, my speech patterns, and a cute tush, right? So I'm not going to judge Zoe Zimmer yet even though this comic book really, really wants me to! I'm with Kamala who is like the star of the comic book anyway so she should like know a thing or two?

Kamala is not like just a big fan of Zoe Zimmer but also of the Avengers! And not the comic book or movie Avengers, right? She's like actually in the same world as them, if I understand this comic book universe thing correctly? They might even make an appearance? I hope Captain America is drawn to look just like Chris Evans? Without his shirt?

Later? Back home? Kamala works on her Avengers Fan-Fiction about the Avengers saving Planet Unicorn? Is that adorable or frippin' adorable? Those are like your only two choices and (spoiler alert!) the second one is the correct choice?

I haven't read any other comic books, you know, but are the main characters usually this flibbin' cute?

At dinner, the reader (that would be me?) is introduced to Kamala's family? I really like her father because he's got a bit of a smart ass mouth to him as you can see here:

He's just so "daddish," right? Like archetypical?

I don't know if Aamir the praying guy is Kamala's brother but it would make sense? Just another teenage or twenty-something kid acting like a know-it-all? His comment, like even though it's about prayer, totally smacks of teenage "I know better than my parents" angst! Aamir has slacker written all over him, right? But at least he has his principals? Ha ha! Principals are easy when you don't have to work at or fight for them! I'd probably be totally against working for religious and philosophical reasons too if somebody would furippin' support me too!

Kamala asks her father if she can go to a party with boys and he like shuts her down immediately? He's like, "That was the best joke?" And Kamala was like, "*Anguished face and dramatic gestures!*" Dad knows what's up though, am I right? Why else would anybody go to a party but to like coo and caw over cute boys and girls, right? Oh I know why else! To make other boys and girls coo and caw over you! But dad doesn't know enough of what's what? Because he thinks his word is law and that his daughter will obey him no matter what? Has he never lived with a teenaged girl before? Like really? Did he not have a sister? Kamala is so going to sneak out to that party, right? Like "'F' you, dad!" or whatever Muslim teenagers scream at their parents when their parents are being unreasonable? You know, unreasonable in that way that they're afraid to let their children do anything because they don't want to have to plan their child's funeral? That like doesn't really sound unreasonable when I like put it like that but usually that includes things like not letting them out of the house because scary danger is everywhere, right? I suppose it's because parents remember the dumb crap they did when out of their parent's sight that makes them realize how stupid their decision was to like have children of their own and now they have to engage in some kind of damage control?

Pakoras?! Lucky bitch!

I realize for Kamala, she has the added strangeness of her culture and religion starkly contrasting with the secular world but she's like really just asking the same question that all teenagers ask: "Why does everybody else have cool parents?"

So Kamala heads over to the park for the party after like sneaking out the window because there is like a totally cliche tree growing right outside of it? It's like get a clue, dad! That tree is practically a ladder? And once at the party, Kamala is probably going to do something totally rebellious and stupid like drink beer or kiss a boy with her tongue, amirite?

Like, this is so weird! Was Zoe modeled after me?! I hope she doesn't like wind up being Ms. Marvel's nemesis?!

It looks like Zoe is going to be Kamala's nemesis because after her boyfriend tricks her into taking a sip of a Screwdriver, Zoe pulls out the "No Offense" line which means she's like about to be totally offensive. And she totally is! She says Kamala smells like curry which I get is supposed to be mean but like the aroma of curry is delicious? And now with all this talk of curry and pakoras, I'm like totally starving? Anyway, Bruno the Clerk steps in to get her out of this like rapidly declining situation that is only going to end in Kamala being humiliated because it looks like Nakia was like totally right about Zoe Zimmer being a self-righteous jerk?

And then things get like totally weird as a foggy misty fog rolls up out of nowhere and Kamala wanders away to find her secret origin? Which totally happens as she passes out and hallucinates Captain Marvel and Iron Man and Captain America? And they like totally give her a be yourself pep talk? But Kamala is only sixteen and like every sixteen year old from like the beginning of friskin' time, she doesn't totally know who she is or who she should be but she knows she isn't her parents, although some of them is in there too, of course, and she isn't her white secular classmates, although she's part of the same culture that they're part of as well as her parent's culture, and so she's like trying to fit all these disparate pieces into like a puzzle that is still somehow Kamala shaped?

Kamala just like totally admires Zoe Zimmer's choice of footwear for the evening.

It's like so adorable that she pictures herself in a skimpy outfit fighting crime? Has rebellion ever been so sweet and cute?

When Kamala awakens from her like angelic visitation, she finds herself totally trapped in a cocoon? And when she breaks out, she's been like completely transformed into her version of a person that would fit in better? Ms. Marvel!

Hot blonde whitey white super hero? She is still totes adorable though, if I can like say that and not sound like I'm erasing her totes adorable regular self?

And that's like the end of part one? I frishkin' loved it! So cute!

Larfleeze #7

Here we see Larfleeze in the grips of puberty, rocked to the core by confusion, longing, and severe bouts of acne.

I have decided to become a better person. Only optimistic, happy-go-lucky thoughts will be acknowledged by the part of my brain that acknowledges the other part of my brain that comes up with a constant stream of utter bullshit. I am going to ignore the things I dislike about every comic book and only discuss the things I love about the comic book. All of the comic books will get a positive ranking and they'll all get the same ranking as every other comic. Otherwise it might be seen as being mean to a comic book if I ranked it less than another comic book. It is time to be kind because that's the way of the world now. Better to be kind than to criticize incompetent people in the hopes that they'll take the information and learn from it. Better to do nothing than to create something that might offend some people. Better to hug than to shrug!

The proper way to be a good person is to only say things that everybody can understand, only create things that everybody can use, and only live by ideals that everybody else also lives by. I already feel like a failure because I'm being a severe linguist. You might think that means a person skilled in foreign languages. It doesn't. What it means is a person that uses language to demean and exclude others. It hurts my heart to think about all of the people that don't understand English and how I'm flagrantly expressing my opinions in their face even though they can't understand it. I'm also being elitist and possibly ableist because I'm assuming people know how to read or have the capability of vision! Dammit! I already feel like this kindness thing is being derailed by my laziness to learn all languages and to provide this commentary in visual and audible and tactile means!

Fuck it. It's hopeless. Now I'm depressed. Except I'm probably not as depressed as really depressed people so now I'm exploiting the idea of depression when I'm really just in a slight funk! Oh shit! Using the word "funk" is probably offensive to people with body odor problems! Oh crap! And I keep swearing! What about the children of non-sailors?! They shouldn't have to be exposed to words like that! Unless it's wrong to keep knowledge from people. Who am I to hoard knowledge?!

Bah! I'm just going to go lie in the corner on the floor and not make use of any of my body parts or internal organs because how is that fair for people who don't have all the same parts as me? Can you offend dead people? Oh man, I hope nobody is concerned with me offending dead people! I guess I should return all those corpses to the cemetery before somebody decides I'm being rude to them.

I'm just going to read my stupid comic book. I'm such a failure as a humanist. Gah! That's a speciesist term!

The beginning of this issue feels familiar for some reason.

I would explain precisely what I mean by that last caption but I don't want anybody to assume that I think they're stupid and didn't understand. But then if I don't make myself clear, I'm failing the people that don't want to work at understanding complex pieces of literature that I often supply. Fuck it. This is too hard. I'm just going to do normal reviews from now on.

If you like characters bickering, you will really love this comic book a whole lot. It is full of squabbling. God-like beings squabble with other god-like beings. Butlers squabble with giant dogs. Selfish aliens squabble with talking jewelry. It is a bonanza of bickering! It will make your sexual parts quiver with heady longing if you find inconsequential chatter arousing. If those are the things that describe you and the things you enjoy, I recommend this book very much! 10 out of 10!

If you don't like those things, don't bother buying this comic book. Even if you like space travel and aliens and exotic locales, you will be annoyed by the characters arguing over semantics and sparring over material possessions. The main character of this book is supposed to be the most selfish character in the DC Universe but I'd be hard pressed to say the other characters are any more selfless.

See what I mean? Inconsequential pablum.

And the art! Get me started on the art! It's like a child got into his mother's Valium drawer and got hold of her crayons (because she always kept them in the Valium drawer) and began scribbling like a dolphin having a seizure after somebody taped crayons to its body and left it on a giant pad of paper. I might call the art professional if I wanted to completely abuse the meaning of the word. It's as if a large machine that usually sails smoothly across the landscape has completely wrecked, strewing bad art all over the everything.

Unless, of course, you're into this kind of cartoony, over-exaggerated, intensely colorful work! If you are then you must be one of those perverts who pull over to the side of the road to examine every mutilated corpse that was thrown from the wrecked machine and is now lying amongst the bad artwork. You're a vile and disgusting human being and you probably enjoy having sex while snuff .gifs are projected onto the ceiling of your dirty sex room. While I admit that I'm partially partial to this artwork, I will deny vehemently that I entertain the possibility of one day orgasming under a projected image of a woman getting hit by a train. How dare you even suggest that.

I liked this part because it was about incest. Remember what The Buddha said: "Incest is best put your sister to the test."

Perhaps art and plot are the least of your worries when reading a comic book. Perhaps what really blows your goat are characters! Lots and lots of different types of characters! And by different, I mean they are easily distinguished by their looks and the colors with which they've been drawn. Do you like big fiery red guys? This comic book has one! How about a canine orange guy? Yep! Main character! What about a whinging little bald green guy! Tick that box because he's included! What about a blue alien with long sparking hair (yes, I meant "sparking")? Beautifully rendered on at least four pages! Perhaps what you really desire is wrinkly old rotting green women? Oh, did you think you'd be missing out on that bold archetype? No, no! I assure you: included within! What about (Oh man. You really won't believe this one was included but I assure you it is!) a teal tornado woman?! HOLY FUCK! For only $2.99, you will find her too!

If you want characters with a little more depth, you'll probably want to skip this comic book. Besides their looks, they have one distinguishing attribute and act continually upon that attribute. Selfishness. Whiny. Vacuous. Depressed. Angry. Chaotic. They all get one! But only one! You don't want characters that are too complex! This is a comic book which means it's obviously meant for children and people who like to look stupid in public places. If you want to look smart when reading in public, might I suggest a copy of Moby Dick? But only read it in public if you've already familiarized yourself with the Cliff Notes because people will try to engage you in conversation about the novel because they want to look smart too!

This is a representation of Larfleeze's mind. Just imagine every other character in the book has one different colored word like this in their heads as well.

Anyway, should I discuss what little of the plot there is in this issue? Lafleeze pisses off every member of the House of Tuath-Dan. Now they're going to have a family meeting to figure out how to kill him. Hmm. That's it!

Larfleeze #7 Rating: No change. I'm fairly certain Giffen and DeMatteis sat down over doughnuts and heroin and decided that they should make a comic book about nothing. And then they did. I think I'm getting the hang of writing reviews! Now if only smart people would read this! Hey stupid people currently reading this! Reblog it so your smart friends can see it! Thanks!

Red Lanterns #27

Yes! Fuck that slut's brains out, Ice!

I just finished reading my commentary of Red Lanterns #26 where I speculate who might get Ratchet's Red Ring. Last month, I settled on it probably going to a gerbil. But now that all the advertisements for the Green Lantern/Red Lanterns Double Backed Flip Book Extraordinaire have spoiled it for me, I know it's going to go to Supergirl. Which also explains why Doctor Veritas the Omniologist couldn't stop commenting on how angry Kara was. LeGrouch was trying to drop clues as to the ring's new bearer by saying it will go to a blonde with a nice butt although that just made me think Booster Gold was going to get it. That probably won't happen until the end of this issue though, so I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't wait to see how Guy and Tora's first date in a long time goes. I wonder if Black Hand will be there again?

The Red Lanterns have a bit of downtime now that they've just saved an entire race of enslaved beings. Those beings have come to Ysmault to carve huge statues honoring the Red Lanterns. But they're going to need a new statue soon because Ratchet's ring is out there looking for a new finger (remember! It's going to be Supergirl's finger!). Bleez thinks the new Red Lantern might need a little bit of help, so she organizes a Welcome to the Fucking Club party.

Rankorr is going to be so disappointed with this trip. Maybe if he's lucky, they can stop at Andersen's for some Split Pea Soup.

Rankorr declares he's going to find out "ten secrets of the universe" as he and Bleez head off on their trip. Like where does poetry come from? And why is his head on fire? And how come Bleez is the only Red Lantern whose suit decided to go full g-string? Those are all the secrets of the universe that I can come up with.

Guy decides to take a trip to Earth (where he'll probably run into Bleez and Rankorr!) and he invites Skallox and Zilius Zox along with him. So prepare to be terrified, Earthlings!

I guess in a Teen Plus comic book, you can refer to yourself as a penis. I guess if Catwoman can toss around double-headed dildos, Rankorr calling himself a bell-end is mild in comparison. Not that I have a problem with any of it! I'm just constantly aware of how stodgy and easily offended the American People are. Why should I expect anything more from a culture that has grown-ass people actually refusing to say certain words when having normal discussions about them. You know, when you're discussing the negative connotations of a word like "nigger" or "retard," you don't have to couch them in "n-word" and "r-word." We are adults. We can survive hearing those words. It's how these words might be used that should cause anger or offense, not simply hearing the fucking things.

Guy arrives at Earth and quickly ditches Skallox and Zilius Zox. He does give them directions for a walking tour of the best places to see on Earth. I don't know where Guy would send them. Pyramids? Um. Pyramids? It doesn't really matter though because Zox has his own agenda. There's something he's dying to find out. I think he's going to get Skallox in trouble.

Gardner arrives first in Baltimore, his home, but that must be to throw off Zox and Skallox because he didn't really want them hanging around anyway since his main point in visiting is to see Tora Olafsdotter. Ice.

Come on, Tora! Give in! He's a charmer! I mean, he's not. But I like him and I like you so fuckity fuck already.

Speaking of ice and snow, I had a big winter adventure here in Portland yesterday! My work vehicle was in the shop and I got the call to pick it up at two in the afternoon. Just as a dusting of snow was beginning to cover the streets. So the Non-Certified Spouse took me to pick it up. It took an hour to get there and two hours to get back. Because of the snowstorm and the slow, slow, horrendously slow traffic that it caused. I love the snow but hate traffic. Anyway, the cars are home and parked nicely and today Portland expects more snow, so I'll be heading out in it later. On foot. I have to pick up a copy of Ms. Marvel #1 at the comic shop and find a place to eat where I can look out of a window at the snow. Also this morning, I headed out to get some coffee. I was the first to walk down the driveway this morning and this is what I saw:

Either a Raccoon came by or a Sumatran Rat Monkey is on the loose.

The tracks were right beneath my neighor's kitchen window and he was there making breakfast or something. So he probably heard me squeal in delight as I came upon the raccoon footprints. Here's another shot of more of the raccoon's trail in the backyard.

I couldn't tell what creature had made the prints in the foreground of this picture because the snow was so deep.

Anyway, back to Guy and Tora's first meeting in quite a long time. I like that Ice is not happy about the fucking cold puns. That has got to get old. I, myself, get tired of all the mentions of my fabulous lovemaking whenever I go home for the holidays. Knock it off, cousin! You're embarrassing me!

Meanwhile, Skallox and Zilius are finding their tour of the world boring. They give up just before they're about to check out Las Vegas! Which could be fun. Maybe. Probably not since they know nothing of drinking earth booze and gambling and all you can eat buffets. And they probably wouldn't be allowed in any casinos, so what would they do there? Neon Sign Graveyard? Anyway, it doesn't matter since they're eventually approached by Shadow Thief. She's not very big on aliens on her planet, so this might wind up in that fight Zilius was looking forward to.

Best moment of Red Lanterns so far? Unless Dex-Starr and Midnighter's battle took place in this comic instead of Stormwatch. Then this is the second best moment.

For some reason, the question enrages Shadow Thief. Perhaps in Israel, it's bad form to mention testicles. Especially when the creature mentioning them looks like a gigantic one with lots of teeth. So the battle begins because Shadow Thief threw the first punch and Guy's only rule was that they couldn't throw the first punch. You know, the rule that Supergirl completely fucking ignores!

Guy has to go deal with Skallox and Zox's fuck up, but he invites Ice along to watch and see how he's changed. He will solve a problem without punching it in the face! He will use words! And good words! Not bad words! He will show Gus Tora that words can be used for good! Good words for good! Not bad words for bad!

Meanwhile in space, Ratchet's ring has not yet found Supergirl's fantastic bum. Instead, it found a fish thing. And that fish thing was found by some other guys you might recognize.

Whoops!

Red Lanterns #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Some great moments in this issue. Charles Soule is doing a good job with pacing this comic. I like the beats. I like the interactions. I likey like like. Maybe you likey like like too?

A.R.G.U.S. #4

You'll be okay, Steve! That whole face scratching thing happened to me last night too!

See?

My Scratcher was far less sexy than Steve's. Although the Scratchee in my incident is far more entertaining than the one in Steve's incident.

This issue begins showing Black Bison murdering some ARGUS Agents in Metropolis. Agent 234 seems to be the last Agent left and if he can hold out just long enough, Cyborg should be by to beat the shit out of the other Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau Members. Except I think Cyborg beat them up while passing through Pittsburgh or somewhere. So maybe only Black Bison is currently in Metropolis killing Agents.

Nope. They're all here! Getting their asses kicked by Cyborg on his way to find Doc Magnus probably happens later.

Plastique can't get in touch with Killer Frost because she found some new friends: Colonel Steve Trevor and Professor Martin Stein. Sounds like a fucking party, those guys! But Killer Frost can't be very choosy about her friends right now. She's starving for Heat Sustenance, the kind only Firestorm can give her if you know that I mean nuclear blasts of burning passion. Trevor needs to find Firestorm because he's learned, from some ancient witches, that Wonder Woman and some other inconsequential assholes have been imprisoned inside of Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. Professor Martin Stein is the guy that created that Matrix, so everybody is counting on the big nerd to find Firestorm for them. Everybody always counts on the nerd to do all the work! Look at how Anthony Michael Hall got screwed into writing the fucking paper for everyone in The Breakfast Club and he's the only one that didn't wind up getting any poontang out of it. Fucking dicks. Although it was worth it in the end. Because he knew what all writers know. Writers have the real power. They get to tell the story their way. So fuck 'em all!

Before Trevor and Stein and Snow can come up with a plan, The Assassin Committee 2000 Bureau arrives. They couldn't find Killer Frost earlier by trying to contact her on her Silver Dollar Phone. That's because they had to wait until the right moment in the plot where they'd arrive with the greatest dramatic effect. Also, they needed to enlist Grid's help. So now Trevor and Frost have to battle Plastique, Hyena, Typhoon, Black Bison, and Multiplex. Mindboggler might show herself as well at some point since she was there when Cyborg kicked their asses. Luckily Stein has some teleportation tubes in the basement for just such an emergency. And since they're going to need a telepath, they decide to teleport straight to one.

The Circus should have a Telepath or two. Plus Agent Gunn gets to make a cameo so he can afford to make his mortgage payment this month. Since Vibe was cancelled, times have been pretty lean.

When is Cheetah going to appear? Is she in the Circus? Is she a telepath? She isn't a telepath! Is she?

Well, Cheetah doesn't make an appearance yet. The telepath they're after is named Psi. Apparently she first appeared in a non-existent adventure between Supergirl and Vibe. Maybe it's a story that would have happened if Vibe hadn't been a no-personality bore and had actually managed to sell some fucking comic books. Not that I thought he was a bore! Vibe was a fun comic book!

Psi read Supergirl's mind and realized that Supergirl had meant it as a greeting when she punched her in the face. So Psi decided to help ARGUS in their mission of kidnapping and imprisoning foreigners to our dimensional shores.

This is Psi in 1985. She actually wears more clothing now.

Psi gives Trevor a serious brainstorm which causes Trevor to realize he needs the Lasso of Truth. I guess he'll use it to tie around Firestorm and say, "Are Batman and Superman really fucking each other in your Slash Matrix?!" And Firestorm will have to hide his boner and answer, "Yes." Anyway, Cheetah currently has the Lasso, so it's off to find the fucking wizard. I mean Cheetah.

A.R.G.U.S. #4 Rating: No change. I think this issue helps piece together some of the mystery behind Martin Stein. He created the Firestorm Matrix while working as a contracted agent of ARGUS. Once he did that, some very scary people came after him. Those were the Jackals and the Evil Firestorm Corporation and probably Pozhar as well. So he faked his death and went to hide out in his little cabin deep in the wilderness. Steve Trevor was only able to find out he was still alive and get his help thanks to the Ancient Witches from the Magic Mirror. So now Professor Stein is solidly back in the DC Universe instead of being mysteriously missing with only graffiti on a bus in Gotham to say, "Martin Stein Lives!" Or something. My memory isn't that good!

Justice League Dark #27

Who the fuck cares? The Sins have been utterly useless up until this point.

Last issue, Justice League Dark had realized that Chris the Babysitter couldn't be saved. At least Constantine thinks he realized that. The rest of the soft-hearted fools still think he can be saved. They've been listening to Gandalf again, haven't they? Gandalf is pro letting evil jerks live! And just because he was right in that one instance that saved the world, it doesn't mean his theory holds true across other situations.

If God can work in mysterious ways, why can't we work in mysterious ways too? I want to be able to commit crimes and use the defense that "I work in mysterious ways!" The judge should nod knowingly while sticking out his lower lip in contemplation of a well-told defense, and then he can instruct the jury to take into account that the defendant "works in mysterious ways" when deliberating. Why does God get to be special? Aren't we made in his image?

I was walking past a Carrera yesterday (it's a car!) and thought, "Cool! I want to drive a Gamera!" And then I reread the name and thought, "Stupid lousy font."

Is that enough rambling? Should I read the comic book now?

So anyway, things weren't going well at the end of Pandora #7.

Fight evil with evil? Does that mean...ETRIGAN?!

Zauriel, The Phantom Stranger, and Pandora have all faked their deaths again! Now they're inside of Blight searching for Hope. By Hope I mean Chris Esperanza just like I've meant it in every fucking Forever Evil: Blight commentary I've written! Try to keep up. What am I saying? Why should you keep up when I can't even keep up and I'm writing this shit? That's asking way too much of anybody. You know, asking someone to pay attention to something that's not about themselves. Oh! I bet that's why my only Follower is me!

Since The Phantom Stranger and Pandora and the Angel are resorting to an old plan, John decides to do the same thing. Once again, Swamp Thing and Deadman hit the front lines as distractions while he and the Nightmare Nurse make a little magic. If you know what I mean.

No, seriously. See? That's what I meant!

Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse give birth to their most vile thoughts and deeds. Blight versions of themselves are released into the world to battle Blight. This might be a case of introducing an invasive species into a non-native environment for the sole purpose of rooting out another invasive species. It's definitely not the plan I was hoping for! You know the one. The one where Nightmare Nurse drunk dials Etrigan and says, "Hey babe. We've got a situation. And you owe me, like, ten thousand or something. Can you Gone Gone The Form of Man your way over here? Thanks! Kisses!"

Meanwhile deep inside Blight's bloated belly, Zauriel stops Pandora and The Stranger from freeing Hope because, as Zauriel says, Hope isn't done yet. It needs to bake for another five to ten issues before it can emerge as a new Earthly Savior to save everybody on Earth. Hmm. Redundant!

Zauriel tells Pandora and The Stranger to follow their hearts while he battles Blight's inner defenses. Can't you be more clear? It's those fucking mysterious ways again, isn't it? Why does God even bother going through the motions if he's omniscient? Linear time must be so fucking boring for God. It's like sitting through Star Wars for the eleventh trillion time. I wonder how many times I've seen Star Wars? Has to be at least five.

Back in reality, John's beast-self is about to destroy Blight's host when The Nightmare Nurse's vile-self stops him. So, once again, Justice League Dark almost defeats Blight but somebody stops it from happening because they can't allow Chris the Babysitter to die. You know what? Fuck Chris the Babysitter! He died once already and was brought back to life! Just do that again! Unless it doesn't work that way. Maybe that's why Jesus Christ is never coming back! Because you only get one do-over! So forget about the Second Coming, people! Since technically the Second Coming would be the Third Coming. I think. The Bible is confusing.

But at least I understand enough of it to have realized that Chris the Babysitter was the Hope and the Light of Mankind. Just as The Phantom Stranger and Pandora finally realize when they awaken Chris with their love. Love is a synonym for genitalia, right?

I think this is the meaning of the Rainbow Connection! "The lovers! The Dreamers! And Chris! Babysitting all of us jerks! We know that he's probably a pedo!"

I also just understood why he was a babysitter! Because he's here to take care of all of us! And we're all babies in God's eyes! Except for me! I'm a man! With man feelings! Yeah yeah yeah!

And so Chris is free to redeem mankind. And since that's how I've been calling it for about twenty issues now, I've earned another level to my Comic Book Reader Class! I'm now a Master Comic Book Reader of Dragons!

And so, with Blight defeated, the psychic static clears and Constantine can once again feel Zatanna and the other magic users of the DC Universe. He knows where they are. They are cogs in The Thaumaton! That is θαυμάτων in proper Greek! Which means Wonderland! I think. Boy, I sure am wishy washy on everything I think I know!

Justice League Dark #27 Rating: No change! I went out to breakfast this morning and when I got home, a package was waiting for me from my mother. It had various surprises in it for Valentine's Day but this was the best one:

Yes, it's a pirated version she purchased from eBay. But fuck if you can find a legally purchased copy anywhere! She also sent me linguiça. Which is odd. But appreciated since I haven't had it in a very long time. My grandmother used to make it for me so it's a very special sausage. Shut up.

Batwoman #27

Remove the web and spiders and you've got Batwoman go-go dancing.

Last issue, some guy named Wolf Spider was stealing really creepy artwork of faceless people hanging out in parks. Is that what face-blind people see when they go out in public? That would be terrifying! Although I suppose if you can't remember faces, you don't know what faces should look like. Anyway, Wolf Spider did not get away unpunished. Batwoman broke his jaw before she was poisoned and thrown off of a building. Will she survive? The tension is non-existent!

On her way down, Batwoman forgets to deploy her Batgrapple either because she's been drugged or because Batman would sue her for using his technology. She also smashes her head on a satellite dish and crashes into water only to find herself at her sister's tea party. It's possible the drugs and/or the head wound have something to do with the odd turn in the narrative.

I attended my college classes one Halloween dressed as Alice in Wonderland. Alice Cooper in Wonderland, actually. I was dressed like Alice with the blond hair and the dress but with the Cooper make-up and carrying the decapitated head of the white rabbit dripping blood and entrails. Why the hell didn't anybody take any pictures? One of the classes I attended was Racquetball at seven in the morning.

As Kate continues to hallucinate, the art gets wilder and better and more beautiful. Bringing Francis Manapul on board to layout these Batwomanesque pages was a great idea. That fucker knows what he's doing. Not to take anything away from Haun though. I like his look on this book as well. How can this title still be a great looking, good read after the abrupt change in creative teams? Some super heroes have all the luck! Look at Batwoman flaunting her awesome comic in the Teen Titans' faces. Suck it, Tim Drake!

Kate's hallucinations are about her mother and sister dying (although her sister, it turns out, lived to become a big jerk) and her father being a military hard-ass acting ashamed of her sexuality. She sees her father stabbed by her psychotic sister, Alice/Elizabeth. She is chastised by Flamebird for not being there to keep her guts from falling onto the streets of Gotham. She's haunted by Chase and Bones and Bane and Werewolves and chafing until Batman tells her to snap out of it and you have to listen to Batman. So she snaps out of it. Will she be in time to save herself with a Batgrapple!?

You'd think I have money invested in the Batgrapple I mention it so much in my Bat-Commentaries. It's iconic!

But she doesn't use a Batgrapple. Instead she grabs a flag and swings into the side of the building. But she doesn't break all of her bones for some reason. I only took physics in High School so I don't understand gravity or momentum or angular flippercation, but it seems like simply changing direction wouldn't really slow her down at terminal velocity. Wouldn't it just change the angle of momentum? Or some other science thing that is actually correct instead of made up out of my face?

The bottom line is she lives! Batwoman lives! Because she also fell through an awning and landed in piles of soft garbage. She hit the "survive a fall from a great height without a Batgrapple" trifecta!

After pages and pages of cool art and beautiful layouts, I scan this.

Some people might think that Wolf Spider is actually Kate's old high school beard since he made such a show of being a great gymnast last issue but those people would most likely be right. Probably. I'm sure he has a good reason for stealing from himself. Maybe he wants people to feel sorry for himself? Or maybe he couldn't stand looking at those creepy no-faced people but the social circle he runs in would never understand if he sold or got rid of his Eisenstardtflurp painting.

Wolf Spider is stealing the paintings for some old guy named Natey-Boy. He still has two more creepy paintings to steal. This guy probably wants the paintings for some reason that relates to that 1929 opening at the beginning of last issue where the artist hung himself up instead of his paintings.

Kate winds up barely making it home where she discards her costume down the hall and bleeds on everything. As she's cleaning up in the bathroom, Maggie's daughter wanders in to meet her for the first time. Surprise! Your mom's fiance is Batman! Almost.

Batwoman #23 Rating: No change. This was a really quick read due to the hallucination pages. They looked great and were interesting but didn't really advance the plot much. I think they were just a reference by the new creative team for themselves so they could always refer back to this issue to remember what the fuck was happening in Batwoman before they took over the book. Like my commentaries are for me! Also, I didn't have an episode of Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now! during this commentary because I've turned it into its own Tumblr. That makes four Tumblrs I don't have time to update!