Ms. Marvel #3

I think I'm like getting the hang of doing these comic book review thingies? At first I thought they were going to be like doing book reports or history reports or something, you know? First I'd have to read something I didn't want to read and then I'd have to write something interesting to say about the thing I barely paid any attention to while reading in the first place? But Kamala is such an adorable girl and she, like, dresses so cute, you know? So I look forward to reading Ms. Marvel! Why does it only come out once a month? It's, like, so hard to read a story that keeps getting interrupted and then you can't read the next part for practically forever? It seems like a really bad business model! How have comics lasted for like twenty years or whatever?

Anyway-Z, last issue, Kamala was totally grounded for going to a party with alcohol and boys (awesome! Not the grounding part! The part with the boys! Also not so much the alcohol part. Ick!) and then getting home late because she took a detour into some mists that gave her shape-shifting super powers? Those powers would be the best because you could change the shape of your feet and wear any pair of adorable shoes you could find! Score!

Oh my God! I just love Zoe Zimmer for some reason!

Kamala is like all over the news now in her white girl Ms. Marvel form? So I guess that's lucky since she's already in huge trouble for sneaking out and if her parents saw her on television in that short skirt, she'd probably be grounded for like a year? But she's still allowed to go to church unless it's called going to someplace else in Islam? Actually she's going to Saturday Youth Lecture starring Sheikh Abdullah! That sounds boring! At the lecture, Kamala meets up with her friend Nakia where they have to sit behind a screen with the other women while the men sit with the male lecturer out of sight?

Actually, men and women were probably allowed to sit together because it was a more rational and science-minded time for people of the Middle East. Just like forty years ago was a more rational and science-minded time for the people of the United States, amirite?

Later at school, Kamala's powers freak out on her again. Her hand goes all big and then all tiny and then she goes all big and stuff? Nobody sees her or anything, so she still has a secret identity and stuff? Although if someone did see Kamala change shape, she could just change her look to look like the person looking at her and then she could change her shape to look like Bjork or something and then Kamala can totally deny being Ms. Marvel! Like, she can say, "What are you talking about? Ms. Marvel obviously just stole my look to be cool and shiz? You know?"

Kamala practices controlling her shape-shifting powers while in the girl's locker room. She also practiced destroying stuff with her large mass which could be a problem?

Mostly because she can't seem to control her powers whenever she panics?

After school, Kamala goes over to the Circle Q to tell her friend Bruno how angry she is at him for ratting her out to her parents and squealing and being a no-good snitch and a lousy friend. So she starts thinking about how this new power is going to change her? Is she still the same person? What kind of responsibility goes with her great power? Is she a woman now? All the same stuff that goes through your mind when you, well, you know. And then she walks into the convenience store in the middle of a Red Alert Uncle Ben Situation!

Oh come on. I might not read comics but I've seen like both Spider-man movies! Everybody knows about Uncle Ben Situations! Like, duh!

Besides, it's just Bruno's bald brother trying to scam some cash out of the store? Probably?

Unlike that wussy nerd Peter Parker, Kamala steps up to the plate and yells "Hike!" when great responsibility is called for! She will save Bruno's life and then get kisses on the lips in gratitude! Maybe even some second base action! I know what second base is in sex talk but what the hell is it in actual sports talk?

Kamala goes all blonde white girl and blasts into the front of the convenience store, like causing more than $100 in damages? Like she just cost the store more money than Bruno's brother needed for his nefarious purposes with someone called The Inventor? So she's just like The Goop Dorked Batman!

Bruno reminds me I want to watch Bill and Ted's for like the zillionth and a third time?

And just when Kamala is saving the day and thinks she has everything under control (like she has anything under control at all, amirite?!), she gets shot in the stomach by Bruno's stupid brother. Hopefully she's learned how to shape-shift her important internal organs out of the way of bullets! Or can shape-shifter's simply heal if they don't die immediately since they can just reform their wounds and junk, right? Oh! Speaking of reforming their junk! Guys would be like so totally irresponsible with this power!

And that's where this issue ends? So I have to wait a full month to find out if Kamala dies or not? Since this is part three of a five part story, I'm going to climb up a fence and guess that she doesn't die! Although she might lose the baby! She did nearly kiss a guy at the party, so she could be pregnant!

That was a joke! I know all the intricate details that lead to pregnancy and good feelings!

Ms. Marvel #2

Like is that the most adorable thing you've ever almost seen but then the lighting was all wrong?

I guess I'm supposed to write one of these things every month? I guess I can keep that up as long as they continue to be interesting? I can barely remember what happened last time? My cousin Grunion Guy said I should read what I wrote a couple months ago so I remember what was happening but who likes to read their own writing? I'm so embarrassed seeing the things I said even just two months ago? Like I was probably raving about Chris back then but he turned out to be so gross, you know? Like he was caught trying to take upskirt pictures of the lunch lady? I know, right? Like what a flurbin' perv? Although, I do have to like say that our lunch lady is stunning? And she does have bare calves poking out from underneath that long white cooking robe she has to wear? But did Chris actually think she like has nothing on underneath that? I'm sure she at least has some big granny panties on! She's like way old, like nearly thirty. It's so disgusting that the guys think she's hot? I think they jizz in their pants whenever she reaches out with a big greasy corn dog in her admittedly dainty hands? What do they think? Some old lady like that is going to be into teenagers? Ugh. The boys in my class are so disgusting.

One of them saw me reading Ms. Marvel #1 a few weeks ago and he must have thought that meant he could talk to me? Ew. I talk to boys! Boys don't talk to me! I'll like let you know if we're going to have a meaningful conversation? You know how? Because I'll walk up to you and you'll be speechless and then I'll say, "Hey." And you'll say, "Hey." And then we can talk about, like, stuff? But don't say "hey" to me first and invade my space and make me all uncomfortable, you got that?! Step off, boys. You don't get to decide who you like! You wait patiently and us girls will tell you!

So forget boys. They're mostly jerks anyway? I can understand why a teenaged girl would like a thirty year old man because that man isn't one of these nasty, annoying, smelly boys? But if that man liked the girl back, that would be creepy, so who would want to like an old man like that anyway? I think I'll just concentrate on this comic book because even though Chris turned out to be a pervert and he laughs at stupid jokes and he and his friends belch and play too much basketball, I still kind of want to know what his mouth tastes like? I'm such a slut!

Okay! The comic book! Um, Kamala had gone to a party with boys because she's got that same ambivalent feeling about them? You know that feeling? I just described it! It's where you're head and stomach are going, "Ugh. They make me want to throw up." But your lower back and lower stomach and the sweaty areas along the sides of your upper torso just under your armpits are saying, "Why does looking at the tips of his fingers make us feel so dizzy?!" But Kamala fled that party because Zoe Zimmer and her boyfriend were acting like entitled jerks? And then apparently some thing called a Terrigen Bomb hit? I don't know what that is? Is it a comic book thing? It turned Kamala into a white girl in a mini skirt when she wished to be like everybody else?

Now her skin can't decide what color it wants to be?

I know a little bit about some comic book super heroes? Like Ms. Marvel is a lot like Captain Marvel because they both have Lightning Bolt Branding, they both have the word "Marvel" in their names, and they both turn into practically an entirely different person when they transform? At least Kamala turned into a different woman and not a different boy? Although, I wonder what it would be like to suddenly have a penis? It would be interesting to examine one close up while not attached to the raging ball of sex lust boy that it would normally be attached to? If I had a penis, I'd probably just stare at it all day long? Does staring at your own penis cause it to become erect? I know when I...whoa whoa whoa. This isn't some pervy voyeur secret sex blog! I probably shouldn't talk about that thing I was just going to talk about? Probably just old men reading this anyway and hoping for some sexy insights into my sexy hot home life! Gross!

Although penises are kind of an interesting topic? Some guys talk about erections like they're totally embarrassing things but it's actually intriguing and a little bit exciting to see one through a guy's jeans? From afar, of course! I don't want a guy I'm talking to to suddenly begin pitching a pup tent? And at the Junior Christmas Dance, I felt a number of them against my leg and the guys didn't seem to be embarrassed? I just pretended I didn't notice because it was kind of nice feeling that while also knowing that we were in a crowded room so the guy wasn't going to think we were engaging in foreplay? Maybe I should stop talking sex talk?

I wonder what Chris's penis is doing right now? Such a slut!

Oh! I know that song! That blind guy Stephen Wonderful sings it!

I think I remember the lyrics to the song! "No New Years Day! To celebrate! No chocolate covered raisinettes to give away! No Easter Dance! No warm romance! Not even reruns of Scooby Doo to waste the day!" Or something?

That person singing that song is Zoe Zimmer's football boyfriend? They must be drunk from the alcohol at the party or the Terrigen Gas. Kamala begins to discover that she's kind of in control of the bodily transformations she's undergoing? I wish we were all so lucky!

Zoe falls in the river and almost drowns but Kamala, as Ms. Marvel, rushes to her rescue? It looks like her new super powers allow her to transform her body purely by thought? So she changes into a white girl when she feels uncomfortable and wishes she fit in better? And she shrinks when she feels beyond notice? And her right hand because ginormous when she feels like slapping the fuck out of death and saving her Fremesis Zoe Zimmer?

Better to slap a bitch with, amirite?!

Kamala heads home and sneaks back in but her brother sort of catches her? But since she has the power to shapeshift now, she winds up looking like herself although she's still wearing the disgusting sweater she borrowed from a homeless person? Not that that gives her away anyway-Z since her parents already knew she snuck out? And now she's in big trouble because her parents probably assume she was having sex with a boy but they'll deny the possibility that she actually had sex with a boy while still getting ulcers from the belief that it was possible that she was having sex with a boy? Why is it that's the worst fear parents seem to have about their daughters? That they're out having sex with a boy? Probably only parents that haven't taught their daughters about contraception feel that way? Because that's kind of a scary thought, right? Getting pregnant? Ugh. Gross. Life over! But would parents be this weirded out about their daughter having sex if pregnancy wasn't an issue? Why is being female and banging such a scary proposition for some people?! I really don't know the answer to that because I'm a total slut! Ha ha, not really. But even if I was, nobody else is allowed to care but me anyway, right? So get out of my personal space, people! Also, my personal space is not a euphemism for my vagina, you pervs!

Anyway-Z, Kamala is now grounded for-practically-ever. So how is she going to do her super-heroing next issue?!

Ms. Marvel #1

Oh my God! Like, the Patriarchy, amirite?

At first when I walked into the comic shop to look for this comic book, I was like, "Do you have that new comic book about a girl?" And the comic book sales clerk (that really should be dressing as if he's dealing with the public and not like he's cooking bacon in his mother's basement on a short-circuiting George Foreman Grill? I mean, for real! Get some self-esteem, you know? Maybe trim that beard a bit and do a few sit-ups? I mean, if you ignored his current physique and his lackadaisical attitude toward the feelings of other people that have to look at him, he's got a really decent body shape? You know? Like his shoulders are wide enough that they almost outshine the extra pounds around his middle? Get rid of those and oh my god! We've got a torso magnifique! And, ugh, he was wearing short pants or long shorts? But his calves looked really hot? Probably because they get the best work out moving his body from the couch to the fridge every few minutes? Oh my god! Am I being so petty right now? I'm not judging! I'm trying to help, you know?) said "Oh, you mean Ms. Marvel?" because I guess they didn't have a lot of new comic books about girls that day? So he pointed to the comic book right there on the stand next to the register and I was all like, "Ch! Really?" And he was all, "That's the one you wanted, right?" And I was all, "Uh. Yeah! But did you see this cover? I mean, the Patriarchy, amirite?" And he got a quizzical look on his face and said, "Um. What?" And I picked up the comic book and held it up to his face and pointed at it with my middle finger because that's the best pointing finger and it always like throws people off because they can't tell if you're being rude or just casual, you know? And I'm pointing and telling him all the what's what of what is what! "Like, look at that picture? Tell me what you like see?" And he's all, "Ms. Marvel in a paisley scarf?" And I'm all, "Really? Because what I see is a woman with half of her head cut off? And her breasts just emblazoned across the cover as if they're like the focal point of the entire experience? Male gaze much?" And he's all, "I think you're being ridiculously overzealous?" And I'm like all, "Are you kidding me? You really just said 'overzealous' in a conversation about a Muslim character?" And he laughed because I guess he thought I was joking? And when he laughed, I saw his true inner self (you know the one we all have? the person that you were when you were like four and you were happy and free from worry and strife? The one that stays with you no matter how old you get but just gets covered up with piles and piles of the world's crap and the detritus of years but is still sometimes able to scrabble free from the rubble and express itself?) and I was like, "Ha! Yeah, I'm totally joking? I'll buy this." And he was all, "Okay? That will be $2.99? Do you have a subscription box discount?" And I was all, "What? No? I just want this."

Was that story too long? Was it unnecessary? I've never written one of these things before but my cousin Grunion Guy said he needed help reviewing Marvel Comic books? And I was like, "I don't read comic books?" And he was all, "But you might like it!" And I was all doubtful and squinty and he said, "People will love you and probably start following your Twitter!" And I was all, "Twitter? Why would I have Twitter?" Anyway-Z, you probably already guessed the end of this anecdote because you're reading this? Which means I agreed to do it for some reason? Probably because I have a lot of important things on my mind!

So the comic book begins with 16-year old Kamala drooling over bacon which she can't eat because of religious dietary law? I know it's probably an important part of the religion because it's like a major no-no but most people don't have to worry about trichinosis anymore? I mean, I guess everybody essentially has to worry about it if they eat pork just like they have to worry about salmonella if they eat chicken or worry about getting the skitters if they eat peaches? And I suppose if religious leaders were eager to embrace change they'd lose a lot of their power and influence? So nobody in the Muslim community is rushing out to declare pork an acceptable alternative to falafel? And look at what's happened to the fracturing of Christianity? Because people just want to do what they want to do but still believe God is on their side? So they're like, "I'm going to get a divorce because I believe God doesn't mind when I get a divorce!" And the church is all, "Oh no you don't!" And they're all, "Your version of God's will is outdated and stodgy! Like, get with the times, man? Or should I say, 'Get with the tempus, homo?' so you'll, you know, understand it? Like by the way, we're dropping the Latin and going with English, if you didn't get my sarcastic drift?"? Anyway-Z, Kamala's friend Kiki has a helpful suggestion?

Maybe I really shouldn't talk so much about religion since I don't always totally know what I'm talking about? My religion is "secular don't really think about it much since it doesn't really fit into my life"?

Is eating "Fakon" similar to saying "Gosh Darn"? It's like circumventing the letter of the law but saying "Suck it!" to the spirit of the law?

The art is like really cute and has this aloof water color feel that makes it say, "Yeah. I'm all that and everything but you know? Whatever? I'm just gonna sit over here on this page looking flipping adorable while you do what you want? Don't mind me. Or do? Whatever, you know?" I can see why people read comic books now? This is way better than reading a bunch of words since my mind is like engaged on the colors and the people's expressions and the various objects? That's different than reading words describing those things because then it's all "yada yada yada" and I'm like reading the words but thinking about what I'm planning to order at Starbucks as soon as I can slog through the rest of this chapter because I like totally deserve a reward for reading so much literature?

Okay, so back to the comic book? Because I'm only on like the first page! Let's see what happens on the second page?

Oh my god! Zoe Zimmer is like the cutest, most perkiest character ever?

Kamala's friend Kiki (who actually likes to be called Nakia because Kiki is an American nickname that she doesn't appreciate even though it's cute? So I probably shouldn't call her Kiki? But she's like only a fictional character? Do I have to treat her as if she really had feelings and appreciate her desires and concerns? Oh, like I get it! It's like how I respect this fictional character is how I'd respect people in my day to day life, right? So if I insist on calling Nakia 'Kiki,' that's like being disrespectful of actual people that ask that you respect their choices concerning their identity? Or something?) doesn't like Zoe Zimmer but I think she's misjudging her because she's blonde and her exuberance makes her seem vapid and because she's dating a musclebound jock? I get that all the time? Being judged because of the way I speak? Like, I know I say "like" a lot and tend to sound like I'm always asking questions? But that shouldn't negate my actual intelligence, you know? There's more to me than my blonde hair, my speech patterns, and a cute tush, right? So I'm not going to judge Zoe Zimmer yet even though this comic book really, really wants me to! I'm with Kamala who is like the star of the comic book anyway so she should like know a thing or two?

Kamala is not like just a big fan of Zoe Zimmer but also of the Avengers! And not the comic book or movie Avengers, right? She's like actually in the same world as them, if I understand this comic book universe thing correctly? They might even make an appearance? I hope Captain America is drawn to look just like Chris Evans? Without his shirt?

Later? Back home? Kamala works on her Avengers Fan-Fiction about the Avengers saving Planet Unicorn? Is that adorable or frippin' adorable? Those are like your only two choices and (spoiler alert!) the second one is the correct choice?

I haven't read any other comic books, you know, but are the main characters usually this flibbin' cute?

At dinner, the reader (that would be me?) is introduced to Kamala's family? I really like her father because he's got a bit of a smart ass mouth to him as you can see here:

He's just so "daddish," right? Like archetypical?

I don't know if Aamir the praying guy is Kamala's brother but it would make sense? Just another teenage or twenty-something kid acting like a know-it-all? His comment, like even though it's about prayer, totally smacks of teenage "I know better than my parents" angst! Aamir has slacker written all over him, right? But at least he has his principals? Ha ha! Principals are easy when you don't have to work at or fight for them! I'd probably be totally against working for religious and philosophical reasons too if somebody would furippin' support me too!

Kamala asks her father if she can go to a party with boys and he like shuts her down immediately? He's like, "That was the best joke?" And Kamala was like, "*Anguished face and dramatic gestures!*" Dad knows what's up though, am I right? Why else would anybody go to a party but to like coo and caw over cute boys and girls, right? Oh I know why else! To make other boys and girls coo and caw over you! But dad doesn't know enough of what's what? Because he thinks his word is law and that his daughter will obey him no matter what? Has he never lived with a teenaged girl before? Like really? Did he not have a sister? Kamala is so going to sneak out to that party, right? Like "'F' you, dad!" or whatever Muslim teenagers scream at their parents when their parents are being unreasonable? You know, unreasonable in that way that they're afraid to let their children do anything because they don't want to have to plan their child's funeral? That like doesn't really sound unreasonable when I like put it like that but usually that includes things like not letting them out of the house because scary danger is everywhere, right? I suppose it's because parents remember the dumb crap they did when out of their parent's sight that makes them realize how stupid their decision was to like have children of their own and now they have to engage in some kind of damage control?

Pakoras?! Lucky bitch!

I realize for Kamala, she has the added strangeness of her culture and religion starkly contrasting with the secular world but she's like really just asking the same question that all teenagers ask: "Why does everybody else have cool parents?"

So Kamala heads over to the park for the party after like sneaking out the window because there is like a totally cliche tree growing right outside of it? It's like get a clue, dad! That tree is practically a ladder? And once at the party, Kamala is probably going to do something totally rebellious and stupid like drink beer or kiss a boy with her tongue, amirite?

Like, this is so weird! Was Zoe modeled after me?! I hope she doesn't like wind up being Ms. Marvel's nemesis?!

It looks like Zoe is going to be Kamala's nemesis because after her boyfriend tricks her into taking a sip of a Screwdriver, Zoe pulls out the "No Offense" line which means she's like about to be totally offensive. And she totally is! She says Kamala smells like curry which I get is supposed to be mean but like the aroma of curry is delicious? And now with all this talk of curry and pakoras, I'm like totally starving? Anyway, Bruno the Clerk steps in to get her out of this like rapidly declining situation that is only going to end in Kamala being humiliated because it looks like Nakia was like totally right about Zoe Zimmer being a self-righteous jerk?

And then things get like totally weird as a foggy misty fog rolls up out of nowhere and Kamala wanders away to find her secret origin? Which totally happens as she passes out and hallucinates Captain Marvel and Iron Man and Captain America? And they like totally give her a be yourself pep talk? But Kamala is only sixteen and like every sixteen year old from like the beginning of friskin' time, she doesn't totally know who she is or who she should be but she knows she isn't her parents, although some of them is in there too, of course, and she isn't her white secular classmates, although she's part of the same culture that they're part of as well as her parent's culture, and so she's like trying to fit all these disparate pieces into like a puzzle that is still somehow Kamala shaped?

Kamala just like totally admires Zoe Zimmer's choice of footwear for the evening.

It's like so adorable that she pictures herself in a skimpy outfit fighting crime? Has rebellion ever been so sweet and cute?

When Kamala awakens from her like angelic visitation, she finds herself totally trapped in a cocoon? And when she breaks out, she's been like completely transformed into her version of a person that would fit in better? Ms. Marvel!

Hot blonde whitey white super hero? She is still totes adorable though, if I can like say that and not sound like I'm erasing her totes adorable regular self?

And that's like the end of part one? I frishkin' loved it! So cute!