Green Lantern Corps #25

Do I have to read a Zero Year military story? Please get to the handing out of the ring quickly.

This issue begins in Detroit twenty years previously! Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men! That's nearly before the Crisis on Infinite Earths happened! I said "nearly," you nerd! Don't make me point to a dictionary definition that says nearly can be within "eight years" of the exact date. Especially because it would look weird that the definition is written in the margins in my handwriting.

It also takes place in Detroit! Holy Dick Sucking Motorcars! I don't know why I'm so surprised that it takes place in Detroit.

I just rewatched "The Mindscape of Alan Moore" and now I feel guilty that I'm not taking writing seriously. What kind of magic spell am I casting when I cause half a dozen people to read the phrase "Holy Dick Sucking Monster Men" all at the same time? Perhaps a script will manifest out of the aether for a porn parody of Pacific Rim, "Pacific Rimjob."

General Main General Man: "Why are these Battle Mech not designed according to the exact specifications our engineers demanded?"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "Really? You actually wanted them outfitted with gigantic penises?"
General Main General Man: "Of course I did! How else are we going to pacify the Giant Dick Sucking Monster Men?!"
Lower Ranking Subordinate: "I thought we could just blow them up with the shoulder mounted nuclear rockets?"
General Main General Man: "Who said to add those?! Those rocket mounts are for Rocket Propelled Syringes filled with a mixture of Heroin and Ecstasy! And who the hell decided to weld metal plates covering up the gigantic, gaping anus?!"

Now I really feel like a failure! Alan Moore said to treat writing as if writing were a God! What kind of God am I worshiping here?!

In Detroit, little John Stewart asks his mom why she's got such a big mouth and she tells him a story that doesn't make any sense. And then it's only six years ago as the gigantic storm is about to hit Gotham! The Marine Corps have been dispatched to shoot poor people before they can loot from middle class people. John Stewart is among these sacred keepers of the peace.

What?! I always thought "Semper Fi" meant "full of sperm." Well, that's what it's going to mean in "Pacific Rimjob."

John Stewart and the other marines wind up in the Gotham Knights Stadium where Anarky reigns. He and a bunch of morons that don't understand that the real power of anarchy doesn't come from the ends of baseball bats and steel-toed boots disarm the marines because they're a symbol of the social, economic, political, and corporate power structure that feeds off the many. These people have spent years fighting amongst themselves as they've struggled to maintain some sort of life in the shadow of Gotham as Bruce Wayne gentrifies the city and drives the poor from one neighborhood to the next in the name of progress. But now they have a target for their hate given to them by their new leader: Anarky! Hero of the hopeless!

I tend not to have sympathy for Anarky right from the beginning because he says the government used eminent domain to buy up all the property for the Gotham Knights Stadium while also saying this was a poverty stricken district. So, more likely, Bruce Wayne and the other rich bastards of Gotham probably just offered crazy prices to the slumlords to sell off the properties which were most likely filled with renters. But Anarky wins me back a bit with his foosball speech!

I hope John gets his Green Lantern Ring soon!

I know! I know! He's never going to get his Green Lantern ring in a story taking place six years ago! Hal Jordan was barely a Green Lantern at this time! But it's a nice mantra to keep repeating over and over again to hold the entire commentary together. Except now that I mentioned it, it's lost its effectiveness and I'll be abandoning it immediately.

John and the military escape. John's commander wants to kick the crap out of Anarky's henchman and some of his underlings are ready to kill them. But John remembers the story his mother told him twenty years ago about how people in power have a responsibility not to get emotional when trying to maintain the peace. Or something. I'm only halfway through this comic book and both stories are being told at the same time! Can it get any more confusing?! In one story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the military! But in the other story, I'm supposed to be sympathetic with the civilians!? Who am I supposed to root for?! Is it possible I'm supposed to be on the side of . . . EVERYONE?! SHOCK!

Why is John the only person in this stadium that understands anarchy? I guess because nobody else heard his mom's story fourteen years ago!

Here's my definition of an Anarchist Society: "A place where anybody can do anything they want without worrying about some stupid cop putting a bullet in their head. But they have to worry about everyone else putting a bullet in their head all the time because there are no cops." Although, seriously, we don't live in an anarchy and we have to worry about cops and non-cops putting bullets in our heads all the time! Go USA! NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONE!

John Stewart saves the day but pisses off his commanding officer which was probably a bad move for his military career. But it was probably a good move for his civilian career as an architect! Also, Anarky gets away and Batman makes a quick cameo as he swings in close to get a quick look at Stewart's ass before disappearing back into the night. And, twenty years ago, Little Johnny Stewart learns some kind of lesson or something about power or racism or corruption or lawyers or something. I'm not really very good at learning lessons. Maybe the lesson he learned was to shoot his own dog.

Green Lantern Corps #25 Rating: No change. I think this was the most successful John Stewart has ever been if you measure success by how many people didn't die because of his inability to save them!

Justice League of America #9

Am I just now noticing that the Justice League logo sucks?

This morning I wrote a commentary on Arkham War #2 that I'd like to sincerely apologize for. It was so difficult to write that it caused a strange pain and severe self-loathing emanating from somewhere inside my being. It was all-encompassing and I couldn't really pinpoint why everything hurt so badly. But I think I might now believe in the concept of a soul because that feeling might be what people mean when they say "soul crushing!"

If you didn't read that commentary, nearly every sentence utilized the word "literally." Ugh. I live in Portland, Oregon and it seems like whenever I go out to a coffee shop or eat out in a restaurant or go on a naked bike ride, some asshole at a table near me (or on a bike nearby!) uses the word "literally" in every other sentence. And sometimes, like when I'm at a Drink and Draw, that person is with me at my table! At least then I can turn it into a drinking game because I'm already drinking!

Between this issue and last issue, we learned that the Justice League members were sucked into Deathstorm's version of Firestorm's Slash Fiction reality. But since Deathstorm doesn't go into that whole sharing space thing, Deathstorm's area seems to be based on Snuff Fiction. So that's the prison in which the Justice League seems to be incarcerated. Except for Stargirl who managed to escape at the end of last issue to find herself in the Washington DC of Earth 3 where she met, if I'm remembering correctly, the evil version of Martian Manhunter, Man Martianrescuer. But I can't remember which Forever Evil tie-in that takes place! [Because it wan't Stargirl, dumb dumb me of the past! It was Pandora!]

Anway, she seems fine at the beginning of this issue as Martian Manhunter continues to telepathically speak with her as he is followed by somebody who's silhouette looks like The Phantom Stranger. So it's probably a salesman. He ditches Simon Baz to enter the next room of the Cube and finds Madame Xanadu.

I just hope she's become interesting.

I'm not sure why melting glittery purple silly putty all over her hands and bosom makes her evil but I suppose I'll go with it. If saying phrases like "hearts of virgins" and "blood of innocents" makes you evil, I'd hate to know where I am on the continuum of Good and Evil.

Stargirl decides to reenter the prison and look for J'onn because she's tired of being backup. Doesn't she know having something to prove is the number one cause of deadly accidents? Something to prove is also the number one cause of experiencing flashbacks of your secret origin!

Watching cartoons of Yankee Poodle Dandy was her origin story?

After running into Aquaman mad with grief over all the ocean animals ever, Martian Manhunter feels that there is just one more prison left to visit. And it's...his own! Surprise! And the person following him was...himself! What a jerk. How do you fail reading your own mind? I guess when you spend so much time in other people's heads, you forget what being alone in your own head can feel like. When J'onn confronts his doppleganger, he does what any rational person would do: has sex with it.

Oh, I mean, he punches it! I guess J'onn isn't rational!

Stargirl makes it down to save J'onn from his evil twin (who may or may not be Earth 3 Martin Stein (he may or may not also be every other character ever!)) because she's full of youthful optimism. And no prison can contain youthful optimism! That's why you need special juvenile detention centers.

Once Stargirl escapes the Cube again, she winds up on Earth Regular (maybe I'll stop calling it Earth Prime after all of this time because of the connotations of that name with the Pre-Crisis Universe! (although maybe Earth Supreme would be better. Or Earth Grande? I'm taking suggestions here!)) all by herself with J'onn still inside of her head. But outside of her head are Deathstroke and a bunch of other Secrect Society of Super-Villain jerkoffs.

Justice League of America #9 Rating: No change. What did we learn from this issue that can help us understand Forever Evil better? I suppose we learned that Stargirl is immune to evil and will save everybody in the end. And she'll do it without sacrificing herself because she's one of the few characters immune to bad shit ever happening to her since she represents Geoff Johns' sister that died in the crash of (or attack on!) TWA Flight 800.

Arkham War #2

My apartment is literally like Gotham City except instead of Talons, I'm overrun with Oreo crumbs.

Literally just last issue, Gotham was having a bad night. There are literally only two kinds of nights in Gotham: A Bad Night and A Bat Night. And when you're having a discussion about whether it's safe to go out or not, people literally never know what anybody else is saying because the two words are literally indistinguishable from each other to normal ears. But since Batman is literally dead right now, everybody knows what everybody else is currently saying.

So what's going on with Man-Bat? Is he literally crazy now? Flava Flav was right. A woman can literally make a man lose his mind.

Man-bat was literally given the rooftops to govern. Unless I'm just literally assuming that since it's kind of hard to tell. Langstrom doesn't think he's literally crazy. He's just a scientist trying to form a government with a local militia to protect and defend the section of Gotham he was given to rule from a penguin with no authority to parcel out tracts of Gotham. But that's what literally happened anyway! And Bane doesn't fucking like it one bit! BANE SMASH!

Is Bane literally a Latino version of The Hulk?

You can't know how much I literally hate myself right now. But I'm literally going to keep it up until the end of this fucking commentary.

Currently, Brute and a sqaudron of non-venomized Bane soldiers are literally attacking Man-Bat's turf. I literally forgot that I liked Brute from the Talon comic book because he reminded me of that overly patriotic Firestorm enemy back when DC was still, literally, publishing a Slash Fanfic version of Firestorm. No, seriously. I mean, literally. Go read the trades of The Fury of Firestorm, The Nuclear Men, and tell me different.

Too bad Brute literally winds up with a cell phone tower through his chest at the end of the fight. But it has been lodged in the non-heart side of the chest cavity, so he may not be literally dead. Perchance he is only dreaming or some shit.

Commissioner Gordon and Detective Pierce in literally the most disgusting ice cream truck ever.

Gordon and Pierce are heading to Blackgate Prison to breakout Warden Agatha, literally my favorite interim warden character ever. I like her way more than anybody else does which is why I'm declaring how much I like her right here so if she ever becomes super popular, I can claim to be literally the first person to ever adore the fuck out of her.

The Penguin literally meets with Bane to discuss how The Penguin can best survive Bane's invasion. The Penguin promises to literally feed Bane information in exchange for Emperor Blackgate. If I were one of the Arkham inmates trying to rule a piece of Gotham, I think I'd opt for a nearby suburb or small town just outside the Gotham City limits. I'd literally set up shop in a cul de sac named after a type of tree and close down the public pool for myself so I could swim in something other than a literal ocean of pee.

The Penguin lets Bane know that the Arkhamites are currently invading Blackgate prison to take over the Talon Sublevel since it's literally the only working power generator on the East Coast. And also because it's full of immortal monsters that Bane probably shouldn't get his hands on because that would literally suck dick. After his meet with Bane, The Penguin walks over to get a Ham Banana Split Sandwich and tells Gordon that he's got a pretty decent chance of rescuing his people from Blackgate during the ensuing confusion. The Penguin probably makes some kind of deal with Gordon or something as well. Possibly a deal to literally gain immunity from conviction by playing undercover cop for Gordon since Oswald knows this will all, eventually, go literally tits up.

Gordon and Pierce literally save the day. Actually, they literally save the one-eyed interim warden named Agatha Zorbatos but day would literally metaphorically be night without her in it.

Scarecrow's plan is to literally fly the Talons out from under Bane's nose via Air Man-Bat. Bane interrupts the proceedings but he's literally too late to stop most of his Talons from being flown off to Mr. Freeze's laboratory. Bane does manage to secure one Talon for himself as he captures Scarecrow and Kirk Langstrom. Bane also notices Gordon and Agatha and Pierce running from the prison, so he delivers Agatha's assistant Donald to them for literally his own reasons since, you know, nobody is forcing his hand and I have no idea why he does it. One thing I do know, the cover shouldn't be taken literally because not one fucking Talon rises at all!

Arkham War #2 Rating: No change. Fuck everybody who overuses the word "literally" because this is literally what our fucking world now sounds like. Literally shut the fuck up already. I need to literally take a fucking shower now. Interpret that how you see fit!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #2

At first I thought Wonder Woman and Supes were teaming up with Apollo and Hades and Artemis but, after a fifth glance, I think the couple is merely surrounded.

I guess Doomsday won't be that big a deal since the cover shows the Power Couple have moved on to another crisis. Unless all the Gods are rushing in to help them fight Doomsday! Ha, what a silly thought. More likely, they see their chance to beat Wonder Woman down while she's against the ropes.

At the end of last issue, Wonder Woman was face to face with the scariest monster she's ever seen (and she's seen just about every one listed in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual, 1st Edition). Its name is Doomsday, for some reason. If I ever have a child (totally hypothetical situation! Kids are time vampires and money-grubbing parasites filled with disease and whining. Ugh. Who wants any of those hanging around the house? Somebody should market a product that keeps them away), I would name it Doomsday. Or maybe I'd name it Judas and give it the middle name Doomsday. Judas Doomsday Tea. What a beautiful girl she'd be.

This issue begins with Doomsday breaking both of Diana's arms. Enh. What is it all the nerds have said multiple times in their lives? "It's only a flesh wound."

Oh yeah she has other weapons! Use your feminine wiles! I mean, your intelligence!

Instead of using any weapons she keeps hidden on her body, Wonder Woman allows herself to be saved by Superman. Somehow. It's another one of those storytelling moments that Tony S. Daniel just doesn't lay out very well. I think, maybe, Superman blasts Doomsday with heat vision so powerful that it boils away a huge swath of the ocean. Perhaps the purplish glow that suddenly surrounds Doomsday is a result of Wonder Woman's feminine wiles. Anyway, after the ocean looks like it has a gigantic gash cut into it and Doomsday glows purple, Superman swoops in and lifts up the boat and flies it to land. With Doomsday on it? Really, Tony S. Daniel, you do know what comic books are supposed to be, right? Their best feature is the way they express time. And yet you love to draw gigantic panels of well-muscled super heroes which don't help the reader understand shit.

Back on land, hopefully somebody will say something that explains what the fuck just happened.

Really? That's what happened? Tony S. Daniel, you need to take some remedial comic book classes with Scott McCloud.

Superman takes Wonder Woman back to the Fortress of Solitude where he shows her a Phantom Zone lineup. Wonder Woman points out Doomsday as the creature that attacked her and Superman shits himself. So he knows the history of Doomsday and General Zod and their attack on Krypton. But now I'm confused about The New 52 Death of Superman. What killed him? If Wonder Woman doesn't know about Doomsday and Doomsday has been in The Phantom Zone and Superman is afraid of Doomsday escaping one day, what the fuck killed Superman in The New 52? Has that been revealed and I just forgot about it? Was it Jimmy Olsen and is Superman Unchained taking place in the past?!

Diana realizes how frightened Clark is of Doomsday, so she takes him shopping for some armor built by a god. Not Jesus! Hephaestus. He agrees but only because Superman could probably knock his teeth down his throat. While they're negotiating a deal, Strife and Apollo drop by to judge their sister's new boyfriend.

Apollo's teeth, have you had the honor yet of meeting Apollo's throat?

To my surprise, Superman actually keeps his fists in his pants. Um, so to speak. I was completely ready to go off on how can a being as powerful as Superman go about his daily life having a temper that causes him to lash out and punch people in the face whenever he gets the chance at smacking someone who can handle his strength. And then he goes off and just talks rationally to Apollo. Dammit, Charles Soule! How dare you write Superman the way he's meant to be written!

I may have given Superman a bit too much credit on the "talks rationally" call since I hadn't read this response yet. But at least he's threatening and not just outright face punching.

Superman still thinks of Wonder Woman as somebody whose honor he needs to protect. I suppose he's still got quite a bit of the machismo left which he needed to survive high school in a small town farming community where men worked hard in the fields sweating with their shirts off while women hid behind hay bales masturbating furiously to the men's glistening, exposed skin. That's what Midwest life is like, right? At least that's how Willa Cather portrayed it.

Apollo, being an arrogant god (as opposed to arrogant mortal which, after I think about it for a second, is pretty much the same fucking thing anyway), believes the fight is over after he lays out Superman with one punch. But Superman doesn't stay down. Getting knocked down by a punch doesn't mean shit. It's the getting back up again that counts. So Superman returns the favor and Apollo gets a bit pissed off that some upstart alien decided to lay his hands on the sun. So he, you know, brings out the big guns!

Is this ironic like the way ironic is supposed to be used or is this ironic like 10,000 spoons on your wedding day ironic?

Superman's next move is to grab Apollo by the shirt collar and throw him straight up through the top of Mt. Etna and out past the galactic rim somewhere. I don't know much about the Greek God's power sets but I hope Apollo can get back home once he passes out of range of the sun. Which is him. Or something. Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

I'm not sure Strife wears panties but even if she does, I'm sure they're made out of stern, unruinable stuff.

Meanwhile in the Sahara Desert, Zod has also managed to escape from The Phantom Zone. Lame. I was hoping the next escapee would be Nam-Ek.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #2 Rating: +3 Ranking. Goddammit. Who wants an attorney to be able to handle DC's comic book characters so well? Not my jealous ass, that's for sure! But damn am I happy to have Charles Soule aboard the DC Writer's wagon. I've loved that Azzarello's Wonder Woman has been mostly separate from the rest of the DC Universe. But Charles Soule has made the meeting of the two universes fun and worth the wait. He's approaching the relationship from a great angle by forcing the two lovers to deal with each other's family. Come on, you know the criminals trapped in The Phantom Zone are really all the "family" Superman has left. And it's not like they're any worse than Wonder Woman's siblings!

Stormwatch #25

Who the fuck is Mordak? What happened to Excremax the Ohmergerd and The Crayola Timelords?!

Last issue, Stormwatch was being coerced into helping some creature called A-I. The creature wanted them to make friends with Excremax the Ohmergerd so that they could combine forces while putting Jenny Soul at great risk to defeat the Crayola Timelords. Although the Crayola Timelords could just keep changing the timeline until they weren't defeated. Right?

I guess Jim Starlin knew that everybody would be asking the same question I asked after seeing this cover, "Who the fuck is Mordak?", because this issue begins with this panel:

So can we forget about Excremax making an appearance? Are we just dealing with Mordak now? Not that I mind! All these weird aliens are all the same to me! Call them whatever you want! I'll just type "the antagonist" anyway!

A-I tells Stormwatch the plan and, I admit it, I'm too stupid and/or uninterested to really comprehend it. The gist of it is that they must fight Mordak on Earth and take the final piece of the artifact from his dead hands. And once they've killed Excremax's right hand man and stolen what was rightfully Excremax's artifact, they'll be able to befriend Excremax!

You know what? After stating the plan, I hope I really don't understand it because it's stupid.

Stormwatch actually just stakes out Mordak until he locates the object. Then it becomes a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World race to retrieve it. Actually, The Weird rushes off to nab it while the rest of Stormwatch remains behind to lay some Dick Dastardlyesque traps to slow Mordak down.

It's then that A-I sets off a bomb that cuts communication between Mordak and Warworld that I finally understand the plan. I guess I didn't realize that the new Shaman was called "X" and that he was creating portals for teleportation as opposed to the old Door system that Stormwatch was using. X teleported onto the ship and dropped a bomb near the arrays that keep Warworld in contact with Mordak. Now they've disabled that contact and are free to beat the shit out of Mordak while retaining plausible deniability when they deal with Excremax.

Now that I've finally gotten past my idiocy and figured out the first few pages, it's time for a gigantic fist fight where Lobo winds up making his last stand.

Um. I hope that's not it.

After the rest of Stormwatch begins to fall, Lobo regenerates and sees his chance to ditch these losers. It's okay for him to flee this battle because he didn't sign any contracts or give his word or accept any money to deal with this shit. They just drafted his ass and threw him into the group. Hopefully he'll get away so he can destroy Twat Lobo in his very own New 52 comic book written by Alan Grant and drawn by Simon Bisley. Oh wait! I already have issues of that comic book lying around here. I think I'll go read that and pretend they're part of The New 52.

The Midnighter hasn't shown his face yet, so I'm guessing he's watching the battle and learning all of Mordak's weaknesses. Once Apollo falls, Midnighter will rush in and poke out Mordak's eyes while kicking him in the balls and shoving a Redwood up his ass. His own ass, not Mordak's. For motivation!

Meanwhile, The Weird successfully completes his task. I don't know what Jenny Soul is up to.

Oh wait. Jenny Soul arrives to spearhead the exit protocol. Judging by the way she takes out Mordak with one Soulblast, I think she should have simply been Plan A. Also, she should just be teleported in front of Excremax the Ohmergerd to take him out too. She already killed a few Crayola Timelords which nobody has ever done ever! The rest of the crew should just hang out baking cookies while she does all the work.

Really? Midnighter was just working cleanup? What a waste of talent.

That bit with A-I mentioning the political connotations of the phrase "Mission Accomplished" doesn't fit in this story at all. It's just Jim Starlin shoving his own self into the story to make some kind of comment that he wants to make. Why would A-I even consider that? It might not even mean anything in this color timeline (Ebony? Magenta?)! And besides, "Mission Accomplished" only has negative connotations when you proclaim it with grand celebration while the mission continues on for another decade. If you actually have accomplished the mission, go ahead and fucking say it.

Meanwhile there is a short scene with a bunch of human maintenance people fucking around on board Skywatch while earning double pay. I don't know where they're ever going to spend it. Perhaps there's a place like Macross City in the middle of Skywatch. One of the Maintenance People is acting shifty and accessing panels he shouldn't be accessing. I bet he's a spy!

Before the issue ends with A-I telling Stormwatch that it's finally going to be really fucking honest with them about The Crayola Timelords, Stormwatch rushes out to collect Lobo.

Is "triple crapola" Lobo's new catchphrase?

Stormwatch #25 Rating: No change. I feel like this book should be more exciting than it is. The threats don't loom large. The battles don't scale well especially against Mordak and his men this issue. Stormwatch members just fall for nearly no explanation except that Mordak is really fucking powerful! He must be since Apollo is the most powerful foe he's fought and he still beat him easy. This title is simply missing any kind of lure. I really want to like it! I really want Lobo to be fun and cool and a big jerko. But it's just been disappointing lately.

My favorite moment? A-I telling Storm Control that they have to lie low so they can't save the natives on the island that Mordak has landed on and Storm Control merely shrugging his shoulders and saying, "You're running the show, A-I!" Although it makes me think A-I doesn't really understand Stormwatch if it actually thinks Stormwatch fucking cares about collateral damage.

Action Comics #25

Yay for Zero Year which means no Return of Krypton in this comic book! And no more Scott Lobdell turning in potential scripts to his editors that begin, "Imagine if time had been different...."

DC has expected me to believe a lot of stupid shit since The New 52 began. Now, I realize these are comic books and not plans to build a rocket to Titan, but I still expect a good portion of internal consistent logic. Now with their Zero Year deal, they expect me to believe that all of the heroes just suddenly came out of the woodwork six years ago? I guess if they're willing to clean up the timeline and make it more explicit, I should be happy. I never did quite understand when Superman began making appearances in Metropolis in his t-shirt and jeans. Now I'll know for sure! I think my downtime this weekend should be spent checking out Canonology's gigantic New 52 Timeline on the iPad. I just hope the iPad isn't such an old version that Canonology's graphic crashes it and reduces it to dust and rubble.

This issue begins in Smallville with Lana Lang taking off for adventure in the great big world while Clark's penis makes a sad face.

Aaron Kuder's art continues to be a mite bit goofy. I have a feeling that he's trying to draw a bit too conventionally and I'd really enjoy his art if he let loose with his own style. Kind of how Keith Giffen broke out of the gates with his style back in DC Comics Presents #88 and never looked back.

Lana explains to Clark how she has important things to do with her life and that's not just the misguided dreamy ramblings of a young teenage woman on the cusp of her first orgasm. Speaking of orgasms involving Superman, how the hell does he have one? It's not like he'd feel anything during penetration? I imagine the first few times he ever had sex, he'd orgasm from the sheer excitement of it all. "Am I in? Am I in? Look at her face. Is that the face of a woman with a cock in her? OH MY GOD SHE MADE A PLEASURABLE NOISE!" BAM! Orgasm and shotgun semen wound to Lana's lower pelvis. But after the initial excitement of being with a woman faded, nothing would get that penis off. He could get it caught in a carbine helping Pa in the field and not notice. I guess every sexual encounter he has could end in masturbation but what woman isn't going to feel like a sexual failure when that happens every single time. Perhaps he has a special sex room set up with soft lights which are actually lights developed by STAR Labs to reproduce the light from a red sun? That would work! And it would also make for a good story where Lex Luthor makes this same logical leap while daydreaming about Superman's sex life one day. So he checks all the power grids like DEA Agents searching for pot farms until he finds an anomaly that could only be explained by somebody switching on a Red Sun Bulb!

Why am I telling you my best comic book ideas?! Scott Lobdell might steal them and then I'd wind up writing a scathing commentary on my own ideas!

So Lana points out that Clark also has amazing things he's going to accomplish because how can he not? She knows he's a superboy and expects him to make a name for himself. Besides, her insurance isn't willing to cover the strange scatter-shot wounds she keeps getting in her vagina, uterus, rectum, cheeks, tongue, throat, breasts, and lower back. So he heads out to Metropolis and winds up, four years later and six years from now, well established as Superman.

This scene genuinely confuses me. I really, really like the whimsical, off-the-cuff, casual explanation of these guys, the Supremecists. I love the fat, bald, tattooed rednecks with lasers and the minorities bound up in chains old-school style. What confuses me is this: would I be frothing at the mouth with hate if Scott Lobdell had written this? Have I allowed my bias to get that out of control? Or is this actually as entertaining as I believe it is?

I knew Scott Lobdell would one day send me to the loony bin. But I never thought he would fill me with paroxysms of self-doubt! Maybe it's just my low blood sugar. Come on, normal people! Start opening up places to get food already! Stupid people that live in accordance to the rising and falling of the great, burning celestial orb. I'm hungry! Jerks.

On the next page, Superman Narration Boxes that he's glad they're wearing protective armor.

Umm. That's not protective armor, Clark. That's blubber. Fat. Big belly bones. Moobs.

Next, Superman resorts to the "That all you got?" line which he, at least, acknowledges it as "not the best quip ever." Clark, old boy, it's not even a quip. It's just something you say in two completely opposite situations: when you're kicking ass or when you're getting your ass kicked. I actually wouldn't recommend ever saying it because, believe me, what they've shown up until the point you say that is never "all they got."

See? It looks like Greg Pak is on the same page as me about that stupid fucking line.

Just for transparency's sake, that panel above was on the page after Superman makes the quip, so I didn't know that's how he finished it when I wrote the previous paragraph. Also for transparency's sake, between scanning the man-boob panel and the lasered in the gut panel, I had a bowel movement and I downloaded a mapping program for text adventures! Multitasking for the...well, it wasn't multitasking at all, really. I'd have to chalk it up to "easily distracted" and "urgency," not necessarily in that order.

And now I just had breakfast and read about the Apple's Lisa computer at The Digital Antiquarian which is a terrific site about computer gaming history that I'm slowly making my way through. I found the site when Googling myself (Grunion Guy, that is) and found that he linked to my Adventureland review over at the Interactive Fiction Database website. I highly recommend The Digital Antiquarian if you're interested in the history of PC gaming, software companies, Microsoft and Apple, and all the personalities involved. Fun stuff.

Now back to Superman getting his ass blasted by The Supremacist's MegaMech! It doesn't last long. He rallies and wins the day!

And is a completely sore winner about it all.

Clark is probably still a bit full of Smallville high school survival machismo and doesn't realize he shouldn't be acting like such a bastard when he saves the day. He probably doesn't learn that lesson until Lois Lane prints "Superman" and "douchebag" in the same article.

Later Clark hears about the hurricane headed toward Gotham and how much trouble the city is having due to masked vigilantes and some guy named The Riddler and corrupt cops and some asshole with a bow and arrow and a super loser trying to bomb the reservoir. So he thinks, "Why not add myself to the mix?! I'm super awesome! Ha ha ha ha!" Fucking douchebag. Actually, he decides he's going to stop the hurricane. What an arrogant prick. He can't even fly yet! What's he going to do? Try to burn it up with his laser eyes?

He's got laser eyes! He knows what you're thinking! Comes as no surprise! Christmas lights are blinking! He's Tofurious! And he's Tofurious! And he's Tofurious! He's got laser eyes!

Meanwhile off the coast of Gotham, Lana Lang is on a tanker trying to fix the electrical systems as most of the crew is evacuated. She's apparently an electrical engineer which is totally unbelievable! What kind of electrical engineer roams the world having adventures?! That's not cliche enough for me to believe! I wonder if she has a problem stemming from an abundance of Gamma Radiation and that's what keeps her on the move? Little does she know that, one day, she's going to become a Mind Zombie living inside Clark Kent's head!

Luckily Superman fails at stopping the hurricane so that he can become reacquainted with Lana.

Somebody is stealing Aquaman's thunder!

Superman helps keep the ships from colliding as Lana Lang also struggles to restart the engines to do the same. Stuff happens and somebody saves the day and everybody survives! Yay! And Superman learns that he doesn't have to be stronger than a hurricane to save the world. He just has to be strong enough to help the Earthlings as they struggle to save the world and themselves every day.

Then there's a back up story that only cost one extra dollar! It's called "Lunch Break." It's about Clark Kent having lunch. It ends with Lana Lang being attacked by a monster deep underground in Valle de los Olvidados, Venezuela. It continues next month!

Action Comics #25 Rating: +5 Rankings! Yes, I did enjoy this issue very much. And, yes, I also enjoyed the absence of Scott Lobdell. Both feelings are worth a substantial number of ranks raised! My favorite line from this issue from Lana Lang: "Hate to say I told you so...but OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" I have still yet to see why my friend J.T. hates Greg Pak. I've really enjoyed his version of Superman in this and Batman Loves Superman. Good times!

Green Lantern #25

The most powerful weapon in the universe and Kilowog uses it to make...a flail! Perhaps that's the mightiest weapon ever invented on his home planet which I can't name but I'm sure a bunch of you nerds are saying it and snorting at me right now! "Mashter Comic Book Reader, my ash! *SNORT*"

You know I mock my people lovingly, right? Don't get your oversized glasses, Batgirl panties, and poorly fitting Hot Topic t-shirts in a snit over my stereotyping! I could understand how you might get upset though being that I'm the Michelangelo's David of the nerd culture. I'm the Fonzi of geeks! I'm like, "Heeeeeeey, calm down nerds!" But then when some other street tough starts picking on us for playing Warhammer on the bus, I'm like, "Heeeeey, you want me to pull out the Critical Hit Charts? How'd you like me to destroy your shoulder joint almost totally -- so that the arm hangs limply, a mass of tattered and pulpy flesh and protruding fragments of bone? And then, by chance, one of the bone splinters will sever a major artery, after which, a fraction of a second later, you'll collapse with blood pouring out from the ruins of your shoulder. Death from shock and blood loss will be almost instantaneous." Then the street tough will throw up his hands and say, "Okay, okay! Cool it, man, cool it! We cool? We're cool." And I'll turn around, the hero, as my nerdy friends jump up and pat me on the back and tell me how cool I was. But I'll stop them and go, "Aaaaaay!" as I throw up the collar to my jacket and comb back my greased hair. Then I'll snap my fingers and every lady on the bus will run into my arms and be, "Let's all make out with him at the same time because he's the only guy in Milwaukee worthy of Inspiration Point!"

Don't judge me for my fantasies!

Meanwhile in Robert Venditti and Billy Tan's fantasy world, Hal Jordan is having employee problems.

Yeah, let's see how long that lasts. It's not like Green Lanterns get a stipend. How are you going to survive if you can't make counterfeit currency to buy your meals and use your ring to create or forcefully procure lodgings?

I can't believe so many Green Lanterns are falling for Relic's bullshit theory. But I've harped on that enough during Lights Out. But then they don't pick Green Lanterns based on their incredulity, do they? Just willpower. Which means they'll stubbornly believe even stupid bullshit with no evidence to confirm said bullshit. All I know is that some stuff happened and some other stuff happened and nothing really confirmed anything. They haven't even had enough time figure out if their rings are still acting wonky! They just assumed everything was fixed once Relic screamed that he was correct and that the spectrum had been replenished. Whatever. I'm used to living amongst a mentally ill populace that believes crazy fucking pseudo-historical religious crap, so I think I can deal with a bunch of Green Lanterns that don't understand how the scientific method works.

Hal is the voice of reason? Except even he is kind of buying into Relic's version of things with that whole tank being filled up shit.

Hal's voice of reason gives out almost immediately which makes me feel everything is right with the universe. His new plan as leader of the Green Lantern Corps? Arrest everybody using a non-Green ring! That way there's more Emotional Spectrum Power for the Green Lanterns! He definitely thinks like an American.

Wait. That's not how it's always been? Has my cynicism caused me to read the Corps wrong all these years? I guess Carol only feels they're edging into a police state now that Hal has threatened to take her shit. Way to be a team player, Ferris.

Carol leaves before Hal tries to take her ring leaving Hal, John, and Kilowog to discuss the new direction the Green Lanterns will be taking. John is against going after ring bearers who are just using the rings like the Green Lanterns are. But Hal points out there are more than a few using the Emotional Spectrum that should be behind bars. Kilowog suggests they put on a show to prove the Green Lantern Corps is still a worthy endeavor, even if it is sucking the universe off dry. So Hal makes a decision: they are going to hunt down PB Anj, the renegade Star Sapphire that killed a Green Lantern during the previous crisis.

Back off, lady! Kilowog is hunting a Love Lantern not a Suck My Dick Lantern!

Hmm, maybe I stand corrected! Oh wait. Hal on his knees is opposite of that! I guess she's a Lick My Clit Lantern.

Apparently if you say your Lantern Corps is based on "love," all I wind up thinking about is sex because Kilowog bashes PB Anj in the face and says, "But you did manage to rub me the wrong way," and I think, "Hand Job Lantern?" This might be why only females are allowed to be Star Sapphires. The Zamarons probably got tired of hearing guys light the sky purple screaming, "By the power of fucking, I WILL PUNISH YOU!" And seriously, you know what light construct guys would constantly be using with their new purple power.

I know there are women reading this thinking, "I'd totally be thinking of love as sex too!" Yeah, well you wouldn't make the fucking cut for the Star Sapphires either! I think members of the Love Corps have to pass a naivety test where they're presented sayings like "Chocolate Starfish" and "Bone Collector" and "Bolovaxian" and "Albino Cave Dweller" and "Poglachian" and asked to name which sector of the galaxy the recruit thought the being lived in. If they giggle at any of them, they're right the fuck out of the Corps.

Kilowog takes down PB Anj so that Hal can tell her why she's being arrested. He glosses over her murder of Cossite the Green Lantern to make sure she knows the main reason he's taking her in is her "unauthorized use of the emotional spectrum." Great. So is Hal going to come after me when I weep hysterically after I finish masturbating?

PB Anj has some back-up which Hal believes he can take care of with an oversized bowling ball construct. Kilowog creates some gigantic crab creatures native to his planet. But then PB Anj blooms with dozens of Love Blossoms with which she transfers some of her power to her underlings.

Hee hee. Love Blossoms.

This leaves Hal and Kilowog outnumbered and in trouble for next issue.

Green Lantern #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't like that Hal has decided to begin a crusade against the other light bearers that aren't using the light in the way he deems it should be used. But I don't find that decision a fault in the story or the characterization of Hal. I expect Hal to make stupid decisions like this! I do like that he has members of the Green Lantern Corps that are against this decision and are beginning to discuss a new way for the Green Lantern Corps to participate in the policing of the Universe. On the plus side, I don't mind Hal and the others going after Ring Bearers that have historically used their rings in obviously shitty ways. That does seem like a good way for the Green Lantern Corps to police the universe. Let local lawmen police their own local star systems but if they have trouble with a Ring Bearer, call in the Green Lantern Corps for back-up. Hal just needs to drop the American-style need to control all of the power and just worry about actual miscreants, murderers, and general, all-around criminal fuck-ups.