Aquaman #21

Six years after this scene during a Justice League Meeting: Batman: "Has anybody seen Aquaman?"

After that interlude with The Others, I'm not sure I can remember everything that was happening with Aquaman. I'm not even sure the last time Aquaman spent any significant time in his own comic book. Mera had just traveled down the Bermuda Triangle to be reacquainted with the reason she never wanted to enter the ocean again: her husband. Aquaman was searching for The Scavenger to stop him from selling Atlantean technology. And the Ice King was still not revealing his actual identity.

I think the only other thing you need to know is Aquaman has stupid powers that could be replicated by a pet psychic with a strong swimming ability.

I know, Aquaman Defenders, I know. There's so much more to Aquaman than his ability to speak with fish and swim. Keep shouting from the mountaintop how anybody that makes fun of Aquaman is an idiot and just doesn't get it and doesn't understand comic books and only wants to write slash fan fiction about Batman. You're the assholes that drove me back into the "Let's Make Fun of Aquaman" camp because those people are much more fun and way less judgmental and holier than thou than you! Well, maybe they're not less judgmental since they are judging Aquaman on some pretty shallow traits. But you have to admit that at least 75% of the reason you claim to love Aquaman is because of all of the Aquaman stories where even DC Comics treated him as a joke! "Aquaman rocks because he rides gigantic, mutant seahorses!" "Aquaman is the best because he forces octopi to make him sandwiches!" Hmm, that may not have been an Aquaman story. I think I'm picturing an episode of Laff-a-Lympics where The Really Rotten's octopus went up against Squiddly Diddly in a head-to-head match creating a delicious deli tray. They also may or may not have ended up having sex with Josie and the Pussy Cats.

Not surprisingly, the issue begins with Mera because her name really should be on the cover of this comic book. Not because her super power is so much better than Aquaman's super power but because she's fierce and doesn't take any shit while Aquaman stoically takes shit to the nth degree until I can only imagine he's going to go Full Monarch at some point. At least that would make him interesting! Although his ass makes him pretty interesting. Maybe this comic book should be called "Aquaman and Mera Have Great Asses."

Assassinate? Well, she ate an ass's ass. Is that close enough?

Maybe this comic should be called "I Love Mera" because she's got some serious 'splaining to do. Also, she has red hair. And she's totally not funny! So it's just like "I Love Lucy"!

Holy crap, now I'm poking Lucille Ball fans with sticks as well as Aquaman fans! Maybe I am an internet troll! I don't care about comic books at all! I'm just a loser Batman fan that's trying to piss off everybody else! Except I've never really been as into Batman as DC thinks everybody should be into Batman. Sometimes while writing these commentaries, I find myself in a weird place where I want to explain the way things really are and not the way I present things! But when I do that, it means I'm doubting the intelligence of my readers and beginning to write to the few people that stumble on these commentaries and overreact because I called Aquaman useless and Batman super rad. Fuck it. I guess I just have to accept that my love of Batman and hatred of Aquaman is real and not just satire.

But what is satire anyway? Probably just my true, unrepentant feelings bubbling to the surface and shitting all over everything everybody else loves.

Bubbling shit. I think that's an apt metaphor for what's going on in my brain.

Oh hell. Those fish aren't going to keep this kind of juicy gossip to themselves.

Mera makes it clear that she isn't married to Nereus. They were meant to be married after Mera returned from assassinating Aquaman. But now that she accidentally married Aquaman instead of assassinating him, the marriage to Nereus is probably going to have to be delayed.

Men, this is why you can't give women too much freedom. Because they'll realize that their lives don't have to revolve around you and your needs and they'll actually discover that they enjoy sex with different, good looking, interesting men instead of overbearing despots and meek comic book lovers who just happen to be the best looking overbearing despot or comic book nerd in the bunch of comic book nerds or overbearing despots y'all run around with. But if a woman is allowed to expand her boundaries and explore her passions and desires, she might realize you're not actually the One and Only True Love which you and your society convinced her she was allowed to have. The equality of women means you might not be able to manipulate the woman you have a huge crush on into being with you and only you. So force them to cover their heads and bodies and limit their movements, Men!

Earlier I was speaking about satire, and it just now reminded me of a post I saw on Tumblr where somebody mentioned how they hated Stephen Colbert because, even if what he was doing was satirical, he was still saying homophobic things. I just hope that post was satire!

Meanwhile in my Aquaman Comic Book, Aquaman finally deigns to make an appearance. He's followed a trail of discarded Twinkie wrappers to The Scavenger's submarine. It's time to end this subplot! Oh fuck, I just accidentally cracked myself up.

Except The Scavenger isn't on this submarine. He's inside his secret submarine building facility. I don't know what he's planning on doing with all of those subs. An army of submarines with no other support sounds about as useful as an underwater superhero in space. Perhaps he's going to invade Atlantis and/or Xebel. Xebel is the underwater nation that Mera is from. What? You didn't know that?

Down in the Atlantean Prisons, Vulko notices the current has changed directions. This means either Mary Poppins is coming or The Great Lie is over. I suppose The Great Lie has something to do with who is the actual Ruler of the Seven Seas and how Atlantis usurped the actual ruler's power. But Aquaman never gets to hear any of Vulko's wisdom on the upcoming disastrous events because he finds out that Mera was kidnapped from Amnesty Bay and, possibly, tossed into The Bermuda Triangle. And Murk and Tula and Swatt have a conversation where they each mention the names of the others so that I don't have to feel crappy about my inabilty to remember them. Also, they're definitely ready to head to the surface and rescue Ocean Master.

This might also have something to do with The Great Lie.

Mera and her ex-fiance are turned into popsicles mere moments after this. People used to worry about violence and sexism and juvenile delinquency resulting from kids reading comic books. But I don't know why they weren't worried about a rash of kids freezing themselves and their friends in ice! Because according to comic book logic, this will never, ever kill a person. Everybody winds up perfectly fine once the ice is thawed.

Aquaman soon finds out they were frozen by the Ass Ice King who, it turns out, is the First King of Atlantis! And he's a bit miffed that nobody but Vulko seems to remember him. But the meat of that confrontation will have to wait until next month. The end of the comic book this month reveals that the Atlantean pulled from The Scavenger's sub with evidence of a removed kidney really was a Trojan Horse. That's like, and I don't use this word lightly, literally the oldest trick in the book! Unless The Bible is older and then the literal oldest trick in the book would be getting the Pharaoh to believe your wife is your sister. I'd say getting some schmuck to eat a forbidden piece of fruit was older but I don't think that was intended so much as a trick as a "Hey, I fucked up so you need to fuck up too so I'm not the only one God yells at."

The Atlantean had a tracking device shoved in his Atlantean Liver which enabled The Scavenger and his army of submarines to find Atlantis. And nobody is left in the city to save it! Except for normal Atlanteans but what good are they? If any of them were important, Geoff Johns would have introduced one of them to us by name. Although Atlantis does still have that gigantic underwater flea that Aquaman spoke with earlier. Maybe it can help protect the city.

Aquaman #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. When this comic book first began, I enjoyed the take on Arthur within a world that considers him a joke. I actually like his reaction to feeling ostracized from both of his parents' peoples even while he feels the obligation to protect them both. Some of the actual plots didn't strike me as that interesting but this is still the first time I've ever been interested and entertained by Aquaman. And this is from somebody who has purchased the beginning issues of every revamp he's gone through over the last twenty five years. Unless he was revamped during The Long Hiatus. I would have missed that one. Being, you know, on Hiatus. And while some of these issues have come very close to losing my interest, Johns has always included a few truly emotional and touching moments which redeem those issues. But by the end of this issue, I feel Johns has created a world here that I want to know more about. I don't care how little Aquaman is concentrated on each issue because I'm curious about all of these characters. The New 52 has been a lot about World Building but I don't think they talk enough about World Fixing. Although I still hope Aquaman rides a giant seahorse at some point.

Superman #21

Wasn't this just fucking resolved last issue? Did Scott Lobdell come up with a better way to end it so he's going to begin again?

Yay! It's time to read the shittiest book of The New 52! Now, now. I know a lot of you are saying, "But Tess! What about Teen Titans?" And to that I would respond, "Don't fucking call me Tess!"

I usually like to spend a lot of time berating Scott Lobdell for how awful his stories are but today I'm going to try something different! It's four in the morning on July 4th. So I'm tired and it's a holiday. Which means I'm going to resist being a bully! Scott Lobdell is a troll and I'm not going to be baited! I'm going to calmly read this comic book so that when I lie down to fall asleep, my heart isn't going two hundred beats per minute and froth isn't frothing from my mouth. Or does froth foam? Does foam foam? Or does foam froth?

This issue begins with DC allowing Scott Lobdell to ruin yet another fucking character. Thanks a lot, DC!

Mmmmm! The sweet, sweet nectar of masturbation fantasies.

I'm surprised this comic book didn't begin with, "My name is Queen Bee. I was created by H.I.V.E. Unless H.I.V.E. was created by me. It doesn't matter anymore! It's time for my soak in perversion and suicidal thoughts!"

Why can't Scott Lobdell leave H.I.V.E. alone? He may have been the first to mention H.I.V.E. but now Justin Jordan is writing Superboy. Just leave it to him, okay? Let it go, Lobdell. Just let it go. And while you're at it, let the Teen Titans go. What did they ever do to you? Why are you torturing them? And the fans. Be cool, man. Just walk away for the greater good. Do you want my copy of John Stuart Mill's "On Liberty"? I'll send it to you free! Hopefully it'll show you how selfish you're being living your life writing comic books and making some pretty good money at it. Your life is good. But you're just one man. Just think of all the millions of people who would benefit by you walking away from DC Comics for good? Just, you know, think it over.

On the next page, Lobdell gives us the meaning of the acronym H.I.V.E.: Holistic Integration for Viral Equality. Does that make sense? Somebody tell me that makes sense! Let's see, something needs to be integrated. And it needs to be integrated in a way that concerns itself with all the parts of the whole. Okay, so those parts need to be integrated so that something becomes holistic. Got that? Somewhat? Okay. Now what needs to be integrated? Well, nothing, really, since the "Holistic Integration" is simply for "Viral Equality." I guess the "integration" encompasses everything and everybody. It's like the unstated "you" in a command. And the reason omnithing needs to be integrated is for Viral Equality! Okay, I get the equality part but why the viral? If I want to lie to myself, I can tell myself it just means that the means by which omnithing will be integrated to achieve equality is through viral means. But that doesn't make sense if Viral is modifying Equality. Does it? I'm fucking confused.

Not that the Preboot H.I.V.E.'s acronym was any better! The Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination. Awful. Just awful.

Queen Bee explains that H.I.V.E. is going to "course correct the human race." They're going to "bring about global parity." I guess that means everything on the globe is going to be equal. So no more fucking arrogant humans thinking they're better than rocks. Arrogant motherfuckers. To manage this, she's going to use Hector Hammond. Because he failed to end the Omniverse, now he'll be used to save the omniglobe! Plums will stand side by side with dolphins! Farts will be president! Dogs and cats living together! Oh! Maybe H.I.V.E. should stand for "Holistic Integration of Venkman's Equation"! I know that equation was about disasters of Biblical proportions but what do you think H.I.V.E. really has in mind? Omnithing fucking singing Kumbyah?

When did this comic book become The Hector Hammond Show?

Seriously. Is ever story going to feature Hector Hammond now? Did Scott Lobdell brainstorm so many Hammond story ideas that he had to get them all out in a row? Or, like Bill Cosby, did he tell us that last story so that he could tell us this one?

Meanwhile over in S.T.A.R. Labs (Sonorous Teenagers Attending Recess), everyone is patting themselves on the backs for how smart they are and how much grant money is rolling in. So Scott Lobdell finally decides to comment on society at large and he begins by trashing scientists? What a dick.

It turns out one of the Scientists works for H.I.V.E. which now act like the Borg by infecting people (the VIRAL!) with Honey Juice (the Equality!) so that they all share one mind. Get it? H.I.V.E. has a hive mind! And they're run by Queen Bee! Because it's called Hive! Where bees live! And bees all think the same thought all of the time!

Not very original. It's like, you hear the word "hive" and you come up with this? Obvious. It's like hearing the word "wood" and telling a dick joke. Lousy fucking writers.

Now that The Queen Bee's Third Army has injected Honey into the brains of the scientists, they kidnap Hector Hammond because his gigantic mind is the biggest honeycomb of them all. It's big! Yeah yeah yeah! It's not small. No no no. He's got a big head! Big, big, big! A big, big head for a big, big mind! Hector Honeycomb!

Meanwhile in Gotham City, Clark Kent is eating Sweet and Sour Soup and using Thought Bubbles. He's also meeting with a confidential source that was impressed with Clark Kent's ability to do the journalism. To be fair, at this point in time, a family of otters could probably run a newspaper better than most journalists.

Special thanks to Judd Winick for the tutelage of using "again" in comedy during Real World San Francisco!

God fucking dammit! It's now five in the morning and I've only read six stupid pages! That's one more hour I could have spent playing Call of Duty! Or eating Oreos!

The informant holds a gun to Clark's head. I'm surprised it's not a thermal detonator seeing how every other aspect of the character was stolen from Return of the Jedi. Female in head to toe combat armor with a voice distorter. She gives Clark a folder full of information on "The Twenty." Clark says it's an Urban Legend but she assures him they are not. She doesn't give him any information on "The Thirteen" though because they're from Red Hood and the Outlaws and Lobdell doesn't write that anymore. Ha ha!

I'm sure "The Twenty" are twenty very powerful business men that control everything and aren't really men at all but lizards from another dimension whose bloodlines date back to Charlemagne.

Shouldn't that be "Did we hear that?"

As H.I.V.E. are transporting Hector Hammond through the sewers in a medical chair that must be hooked to a gazillion batters, a loose wire touches the water and zaps Hector Hammond into Godhood and he enters the minds of everyone in Metropols. But it only lasts for a moment and then he's back in his gigantic brain. Although he left crumbs in the minds of everybody, so they all begin to flip the fuck out. Except for Superman. I think Orion put up a No Hector Hammond sign in Superman's brain after his last meeting with Hammond. That was last issue.

Clark Kent decides to investigate so he turns into Superman and leaves the plane he was on flying into Metropolis. How does he exit the plane in mid-flight? Fuck you! I'm Scott Lobdell, bitches!

Superman rescues Lois when she thinks she's invulnerable and he talks Jimmy Olsen away from the ledge when Jimmy realizes he's a billionaire and then Superman gets a mind message from somebody willing to tell him the truth. Oh please, please, please, let it be the newspaper run by otters!

It's not. It's a message from the head of a worse newspaper, The Daily Planet. Instead of O. Otter Otterson, P. Percy Whiteson is telling everybody that he's Superman. Superman tells him he's an idiot and to get back to work and then flies off to unravel the mystery. He realizes that whatever is happening revolves around him because he's a fucking egomaniac. But he knows just enough to know that he doesn't know enough. At least not yet! Don't worry, Superman. By next issue, Scott Lobdell will have completely forgotten what was happening.

And finally, The Queen Bee meets Hector Hammond. He's not as comatose as she would have liked though. So now instead of using him, I guess she's going to have to work with him. And marry him! And poop out a bunch of his drones!

Superman #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. Whatever. This was better than The Teen Titans. It may, in fact, and this isn't saying a fuckload of a lot, have been the best issue of Superman yet! Besides maybe the first one that immediately went off the rails by Issue #2.

Justice League Dark #21

Hell, she fucks demons and stiffs. Why not corpses as well?

At the end of last issue, Madame Xanadu met her long lost son, Doctor Destiny. She's been alive a long time and she doesn't seem to be too discriminating about the people she sleeps with, so the father could be almost anybody. She should have had a policy of looking into the future before she slept with anyone to make sure she didn't wind up pregnant with a skeleton faced monster with a dream fetish. But now that she's meeting her horrible son for the at least second time (unless Ladies of the Lake give birth some strange, extra-dimensional way that involves never seeing the child), she's decided to get one of her never very helpful glimpses of the future.

In all her years? She glimpsed this much death just a few months ago when she saw the future that would arise if Constantine got his hands on the Books of Magic! And I'm pretty sure it was the same result when The Enchantress was going fucking nuts! And I'm pretty sure just about all of her visions of the future involve everybody being dead!

In this future twenty years from now, Doctor Destiny destroys everything. That still makes this future better than the one with Harvest in it. Too bad this future isn't going to happen because Madame Xanadu saw it and once Madame Xanadu sees a future, that future never comes to pass. You would think that would raise some people's suspicions!

Madame Xanadu: "Whew! That was a close one! It's a good thing you guys bought me this Plasma Television and picked up this delicious curry for me. The end of the world was just narrowly averted!"
Constantine: "So what does that make, love? You've saved the world, what? Eight hundred and ninety four times?"
Madame Xanadu: "*munch munch* Yepph, sounffs bou' rife! *munch munch*"
Constantine: "Which means you've incorrectly predicted the future, let's see...eight hundred and ninety four times?"
Madame Xanadu: "*choke* Um...what are you saying?"
Constantine: "Stop fucking calling me with your 'end of the world' problems, right?"

Oh hey! John is getting wise! Good for him.

The Flash zips around Manhattan for a couple of pages because he's still guest-starring in this comic book. He thinks some vaguely insulting things about the Justice League of the Dark but decides they may even be better kids than those super duper superheroes with which he usually runs around.

+1 Speed Force Point to me!

Madame Xanadu has to resort to punching Doctor Destiny in the no...um...uh...skull because she's practically useless otherwise. Sure, she seems to cast a few spells here or there and zap people with magic lightning but Zatanna's much better at magic with a more diverse repertoire. I don't mean to say she's not useful simply because Zatanna is more useful. I'm just trying to say she's not useful.

As Madame Xanadu turns pugilist, Deadman enters Swamp Thing and it's just as gay as it sounds.

I always feel so juvenile when I make wiener jokes!

What have we learned so far, kids? The House of Mystery has an enormous cock.

Once Deadman gets a glimpse at the entirety of the House from Swamp Thing's point of view, he realizes he can enter the mindscape of the House. So now Deadman is going to possess a house? Ridiculous! What am I reading here? Saturday Morning Cartoons?

And since Saturday Morning Cartoons are the super bestest, it's kind of like I am reading them! I can't wait to see what Deadman does once he takes control of the House's huge wood.

Deadman possesses the House and opens a window or two which causes a breeze to blow across Doctor Destiny's exposed nerve endings causing him to collapse in pain. Also, Swamp Thing and all of the Swamp Thing's doubles shove their roots down his mouth and nail him to the wall.

Meanwhile, The Flash continues to run errands for the Justice League of the Dark. +2 Speed Force Points!

The Flash seems to enjoy simply taking orders and cleaning up after everybody. I'm surprised Batman doesn't like him more.

The Flash rescues Frankenstein and now Frankenstein is indebted to The Flash for saving his life twice. I think that means Frankenstein has to either become The Flash's butler or marry him. I hope Patty likes threesomes. Or tea and scones, if it turns out to be the former.

And then Madame Xanadu considers having an abortion.

What's the law's position on abortions in the 67th Trimester?

Instead of killing, Xanadu simply removes the Dreamstone from his chest. Unless it does kill him. But I think The Flash could have stopped her if she was going to kill him. At least he should have stopped her! He's a fucking super hero! And he just stood by while she whacked away at her son! He must have used his Speed Mind Power to see what the result was going to be and knew she wasn't going to kill him. Hey! The Flash is better at seeing the future than Madame Xanadu!

And finally, Madame Xanadu doesn't tell everyone who Doctor Destiny's father was. Thanks a lot, tease! Now what am I supposed to do with this raging curiosity I've got in my pants! You know this can kill a guy, right? Or was that a cat?

Justice League Dark #21 Rating: No change. Does Jeff Lemire think I'm that easy? That I'll give up a good ranking simply because he told me about his junk but wouldn't show it to me? Fuck you, Lemire! I'm going to pick a character at random and forever believe that it is Doctor Destiny's father!

Through my secret process of divining the truth, I have discovered that Doctor Destiny's father is Hector Hall, The Silver Scarab! Which is interesting in that Hector Hall was the father of Daniel Sandman. The Sandman whose Dreamstone was used by Doctor Destiny! Wow! My secret process of divination must really work!

Talon #9

Dammit, Talon. You're choking the wrong person.

I just reread Birds of Prey #21 to refresh my memory about the Claws of the Court story and now I'm angry. I can't believe Christy Marx had Black Canary kissing Condor! It's got to be some kind of twist plot element she's working on because I don't think any readers of Birds of Prey like Condor at all. Not only do we not like Condor, we all wish he'd die! I'm not even exaggerating! I've even met a few Buddhist Monks that are wishing violence on that Purple Masked Poo Pirate.

Wasn't the Purple Masked Poo Pirate one of Strawberry Shortcake's nemeses?

Maybe Condor and Starling actually had their minds swapped? So it's really Starling that has been hitting on Black Canary and trying to remain in the group. I'm pretty sure that's what happened.

Last issue the Talon Battle ended in a draw just like I predicted! Don't you hate when people point out that they were right about a guess they made? Especially when that person guesses all sorts of crazy things and then never ever points out when none of the other guesses come true? Although you've got to give a guy some credit when he sticks to his Tim Drake is Harvest guns long after the "origin" of Harvest has been revealed. Or, you know, the other "origin" of Harvest as well. Plus there's that prediction that Starling's mind is in Condor's body. When that one comes true, I am so going to rub everybody's greasy noses in it! And when it actually never comes true, this is the last you'll hear of it.

Calvin Talon doesn't kill Mary Talon because she's too much like him and he just can't be the bad guy the Court of Owls wants him to be. So he can't inject her with his Hobo Spider Serum to melt her skin. Instead, Mary suggests, through signing, that Calvin Talon take Mary Talon's mask and melt down one of the Court Scientists killed in the brawl with Mr. Freeze. If somebody ever has to use sign language to tell me something and they want me to understand it, they'd better hope the message is "The Goat in the Helicopter has Cookies for the Hungry Raccoon." Although I will probably misunderstand it, wondering why a Horny Raccoon needs cookies.

I hope Mary Turner turns out to be a long lost aunt of Bronze Tiger's.

Calvin Rose returns with his goopy flesh and Talon outfit to convince Wycliffe the Grandmaster that Calvin Rose is a good Talon. He's given an Owl Biscuit and told of his next assignment: Calvin will be dumped into the middle of Santa Prisca to interrogate Sebastian Clark and kill everybody else. Oh, and then kill Clark too.

Hopefully Condor will be scouting the island for The Birds of Prey and Calvin will accidentally kill him as well.

It could happen!

This comic book is giving me violent thoughts! If I'm ever in the news because I went on a rampage, I want this commentary to stand as proof that it was Condor's stupid mocking face that drove me to it.

Before leaving on his mission, Calvin requests a moment alone with Casey. The stupid arrogant Grandmaster Owl grants his request because he thinks he's being magnanimous. If he refused to let Calvin see Casey, The Grandmaster would look weak because it would look like he has something to fear by allowing the two prisoners to be together unguarded. Little did he know there was going to be some kinky necrophilia action going on.

Gross! An interlifecycle kiss! Sinners!

Calvin Rose slips Casey the Devil's Tongue, if the lock-picking tool he slipped her is called a Devil's Tongue. Now she'll be able to free herself and be killed by The Gotham Butcher while trying to escape! Because she's not the greatest escape artist to ever live!

And then he's off on the second worst Caribbean Vacation ever! The worst vacation involves a Carnival Cruise. I get why they named their company that but at this point, I'd just think of something else because all I can picture are sideshow hawkers and carnies and dirty rides and screaming kids and the biggest corndogs you can stuff down your throat. And probably goats too! Maybe even goats in helicopters!

Calvin Rose quickly infiltrates Bane's prison and finds Sebastian Clark. He does this because he's a Master Escapadarian. All he had to do was think of how he would escape from the prison and then do that in reverse! It's genius! Except for the part where he blows his cover by speaking backwards the whole time.

Idiot.

Meanwhile Casey escapes her manacles and uses her magical tooth to summon the Serpent People from The Other Side of the World. Bah. That is so cliché. They rush off from their sunbathing to rescue her from the clutches of the Owl People. It's a classic battle of Serpent versus Bird! I wonder if Grandmaster Wycliffe is afraid of a black rod with a rusty star on the end?

Double meanwhile with a cherry on top, Calvin forgets that he's supposed to interrogate Sebastian Clark and instead goes straight for the kill. Luckily Wolf-Spider decides to stop him.

Unluckily, he plans on stopping him by eating him.

Wolf-Spider. The most important encounter of my entire life was with a wolf-spider. It changed the way I saw everything. When I was about 22 or 23, my friend Paul and I were entering my room when I heard him gasp and grab my shoulder. He pointed to the wall near my gerbil Alice's cage where, on the wall just above the cage, was a wolf spider. It was huge and hairy and just looked like a slightly smaller tarantula. Not the kind of spider you want crawling across your face at night. I got a jar and knocked it into the jar with a suction cup arrow from a little bow and arrow kit. I put the lid on and set the jar aside for the night.

The next morning, I took the jar out back and was going to release the spider when I was suddenly chilled by a deep sense of fear. I kept imagining the spider coming back and it was intensely creepy and unnerving. So I got some poison spray and sprayed it in the bottle. I could hear the spider's fangs clicking against the jar. I must have sprayed the poison an inch deep and the spider was just fine, scrambling and splashing about to get out. So I grabbed a stick and crushed it inside the jar. And I felt awful. It was the most horrible feeling I'd ever experienced. I was guilty and ashamed and intensely saddened by the way I just acted due to my own fear. People smash spiders and bugs all the time and never think twice. But this was a large creature. It was struggling to survive. Killing it took a substantial enough effort that I couldn't ignore that I'd just destroyed a creature's only chance for existence. Snuffed it out. And purely for selfish, emotional reasons.

Nearly twenty years later, I can't think about this spider without tears welling up in my eyes. If our greatness or meaning or whatever it might be is judged by the effect we have on this world, then that spider's life was incredibly powerful. I'm a better person because I wanted to be a better person than some asshole that could callously kill a spider out of fear. Fear and laziness. But the lesson doesn't just extend to not harming creatures. I learned how powerful fear can be and the stupid, irrational, bullshit things it can make you do. I see our post 9-11 world and it makes me cringe and I think of that spider and I wish, I simply wish, that everybody could see they don't have to let their fear control them. When you act out of fear, you almost always act for the wrong reasons.

I've been a catch and release person with bugs for a very long time now. But spiders? Heck, most of the time I don't even catch them. I just watch them go about their business until they disappear behind the sofa or the drapes or the bookshelf. I don't mind living amongst them at all.

Although if they look like they might be one of the very few poisonous kind up here in Oregon, I'll catch and release those bad boys. My girlfriend was bitten by a spider (we think!) about half a year ago or so. But I think she just had a mild reaction and it wasn't actually a poisonous spider. It was kind of scary though! But I still didn't kill the spider that I thought may have been the culprit. He was set free in the bushes by the Emergency Room. TO CLAIM HIS NEXT VICTIM!

Talon #9 Rating: After all that bullshit, I forget whether I liked it or not! So no change!

Actually, I still don't like it much because too many owls and Calvin is undead. Change those two things and I think I'd really like Calvin Rose. Also, where the fuck were the Birds of Prey?! Come on, DC. That's just fucked up putting Canary and Batgirl on the cover. Strix was only in it for four pages and that was it! That's some misleading bullshit right there. You know what? -2 for misleading bullshit, you fuck buckets!

Batman: The Dark Knight #21

Every lunatic in Gotham must harbor a secret desire to feel Batman rupture their spleen.

At times like these, you have to wonder how tempting it must be for Batman to kill The Mad Hatter. I know Batman doesn't kill not because he doesn't want to become like those he's against but because he knows how easy it will be to just keep killing after the first one. I totally get that but on a level that doesn't threaten the lives of anybody around me. I stopped drinking soda about two and a half years ago. I mainly drink water and tea, an occasional coffee drink, and about a bottle of Sake every few months. My business puts me in the vicinity of fountain drinks every night and I often see that Sierra Mist button sitting there wanting to be pressed. It just sounds so carbonated and refreshing and delicious! Hell, I barely even liked Sierra Mist when I did drink soda. But I know if I drink just one, it'll be way too easy to make another excuse later so that I can have another. The seal will be broken; the demons set free. So I continue to avoid soda and Batman continues to avoid killing. I hope Grant Morrison doesn't make him step over his own line to kill Bat-Thing even though that bastard killed Damian.

Although why can't he kill Bat-Thing? It's half whale, right? And Batman isn't Aquaman! Batman eats meat, right? It was that little murdering psychotic Damian that felt animals shouldn't be killed.

Last issue, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and The Mad Hatter murdered Batman's girlfriend Natalya. This issue, Batman puts them all in the hospital and pisses in their IVs.

I'm not sure I need to read this comic book because I'm pretty sure that's exactly what's going to happen!

See? He's so mad his cape is emoting.

Batman storms Mad Hatter's missile silo and does the Lobster Quadrille all over Tweedle Dee's (or Dum's) bald head. He then follows the White Rabbit through the Hall of Doors where he skips a few chapters and goes straight to The Mad Hatter's Psychedelic Freakout.

Dammit, Batman! I'm sensing a trend here. You need to start wearing a gas mask full time.

Batman's acting careless because his girlfriend was just murdered. But he's also acting careless because what kind of a fair fight would it be if Batman just stealthily invaded Hatter's hideout and knocked him out with one well-placed Batarang?

Once again, Batman begins to hallucinate a time before his parents were murdered and he became the forever sad little boy. The Mad Hatter is simply gleeful that he and The Batman now have a shared experience in the loss of a great love. But since Batman just went through this shit battling The Scarecrow, he's got the experience to shake off the hallucinations and just get straight to the ass-whooping.

Every fucking one of them is a masochist. This could be prevented, you moron! STOP. PISSING. OFF. BATMAN!

The Mad Hatter doesn't fare much better, even though he drank his Spinach Tea.

I think adult teeth grow back in comic books, so I wouldn't be too worried about those front ones, Hatter.

Batman knocks him into The Pool of Tears and is about to leave him to drown when Alfred says the thing I just said Batman doesn't actually believe. He tells him to save The Mad Hatter from drowning or he'll be no different than they are. This causes Batman to stop and rescue The Mad Hatter. So is that it, Batman? You just can't live with the shame of being a psychopath? Because, I think, even if you killed The Mad Hatter, you'd be better than The Mad Hatter. This guy just killed 2% of Gotham's population and your girlfriend! He killed a lot of innocent people. I may be a pacifist that doesn't believe in the death penalty or punching people's jaws off of their face, but I can still agree that there is a world of difference between The Mad Hatter murdering innocents and The Batman murdering a murderer.

Although I know Batman's real reason for not killing. Nobody wants to have to keep making up new villains for him to battle.

The last few pages don't show Batman giving The Mad Hatter mouth to mouth which is a shame. Instead it shows that the Gotham City Police Department are having some serious budget issues since they have to repair the Bat Signal by taping all the shattered glass back together instead of having a new one made. That's pretty fucking sad.

Batman: The Dark Knight #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. I feel like this was a mediocre ending to a strong story. Mostly just people getting punched in the face by Batman. But you know, that's what a Batman title needs every few months! I'm glad that at this point, Batman didn't have to nearly lose before winning. Sure, he was drugged. But it was nice to see him fight through it almost immediately, especially since he'd just gone through the same thing with The Scarecrow. I do always enjoy a super hero book where the super hero just walks in and wins the day without it seeming like an uphill battle.

The Flash #21

Welcome to a good comic book, Kid Flash! I hope you have a good time!

Last issue, The Flash was putting every bit of his police mind to work to figure out who was killing his Speed Zone Infected friends. He profiled Gomez as acting suspicious because, you know, he's black. Then he realized the killer had a Flash-type symbol on his chest and he profiled Kid Flash as the problem because, you know, juvenile delinquent. He's obviously read the Police Officer's Guide to Catching Criminals.

Police Officer's Guide to Catching Criminals
Chapter One: Catching the Culprit

Pick out the darkest and the youngest suspect. You've got your culprit! Congratulations on a job well done! Before you go in to arrest the suspect, have your finger on that trigger and if he's holding anything in his hands, shoot to kill! You wouldn't want careful police work to get in the way of advancing to Chapter Two! You've now earned a promotion! Enjoy accepting graft and bribes from white "legitimate businessmen"! Next chapter: Collecting Your Pension!

Some might say I'm painting all police officers with a wide brush. To that I'd say, fuck yes I am. If corruption and laziness and fear rule a large percentage of people in a job, I'm not going to refuse to mention these things simply because there are exceptions to the rule. I'd rather hurt the feelings of the good police officers by including them in my rage and anger for the lazy, fearful, power abusing bastards that treat the job as an excuse to bully innocent people. I'm sick to fucking death of "gut instinct" winning out over "good detective work." I'm sick of cops pulling triggers and killing unarmed civilians because the cop was fearful the person had a weapon. You know whose now fearful of people that they know have weapons? Yeah, that was fucking rhetorical but I'll answer it for any police officers reading this: everyday citizens are! And you're the assholes with the weapons! Knock it the fuck off. You took the oath and took the job wherein you knew your life would be in danger. You need to take the fucking risk on yourself and lay off the trigger already. It's especially bad when a cop knows he can shoot whomever he wants and a board of his peers will let him off the hook because "he thought his life was in danger."

You know what else I'm sick of? I'm sick of cops bullying people who aren't doing anything and threatening them with arrest. Then when the innocent people say, "Fuck no, I'm not doing anything wrong!", the cops arrest them for resisting arrest. That bullshit needs to be changed. Fucking politicians need to stop dicking around with painting the streets green for the illusion of bicycle safety and start actually changing things that matter. Or better yet, stop making more laws and spend a year or two getting rid of a bunch of them. Most of the laws are bullshit that a politician draws up to make himself or herself look good to the community. Oh, a bus hit a kid as the kid rode backwards down the street and swerved out into the lane? Change the laws to give more rights to bikers and pedestrians! You know, so they feel even more invincible because the law is on their side and they grow careless and begin getting hit more often.

I think I might be too pissed off to read The Flash now! Oh well! Here goes nothing!

Ha ha! Oh Flash! I can't stay mad when you're punning it up.

Dammit! Now you've gotten me mad again!

Flash, that is the biggest bullshit there is. If you hear about police shooting innocent people, accidentally or carelessly or whatever, why wouldn't you run the fuck away from them? And you're not even a policeman! You're an adult in a red leotard chasing after some kid! I'd run from you too, you gigantic pervert! This notion that innocent people don't run or that people with nothing to hide don't mind being spied on or that innocent people don't confess to crimes when bullied and intimidated is a huge part of the problem with the "justice" system. These are just myths and urban legends and misinformation and rumor and speculation. Nobody in this country will be safe from the people purported to be keeping us safe if they refuse to be rational about it.

Kid Flash loses him in the Sahara Desert and then calls Red Robin while stopping off in India for a snack. Red Robin hears him eating as they talk and then acts incredulous that Kid Flash is eating. Unless I just read it wrong because you can't actually hear the tone in his voice when he says it. But the bolding of certain words makes it seem like Red Robin is judging Kid Flash for simply trying to keep all of his organs from failing because he's used up all the energy in his body in one quick run across the world. Kid Flash mentions that Flash brought up a murder and Red Robin decides to look into it as The Flash finally catches up to him.

The Flash grabs Kid Flash and that thing that happens when Vibe touched Kid Flash happens again. The Flash gets a glimpse of a bunch of old white men in old fashioned wigs and realizes that Kid Flash is from the future. Wait what? It's more like he's from Parliament! The Flash does realize that Kid Flash taps into something other than the Speed Force. Since he's a time traveler, it must be the Time Force. Since the Speed Force is so tied up in time, you might think it was also the Time Force. But it's not! The Speed Force is the Time times Distance Force! The Time Force is just the Time Force! I wonder who is tapping into the Distance Force? Probably Batman. Because he's so distant! Ha ha!

Those poor Titans on the ship. So close to experiencing a good comic and yet so far away!

Meanwhile in a diner, a bald man with a big mustache and suspenders and a green shirt comes in to pick up an order of carry out. I don't know what that has to do with The Flash story! Maybe he's a future villain? Or Gorilla Grodd with a Percepto-Changer Enhancement! Maybe he's Lex Luthor's cousin from the Baltic region! I don't know who he is or why it was so important to spend two pages on watching him pick up his order, but I'm aroused! I mean intrigued!

This is the suspicious bastard!

Finally Reverse-Flash makes an appearance and kills Sprint. Then he says, "Three down, two to go!" It seems Iris West did pick up a Speed Force Power that she's either not telling about or she's completely ashamed of. I bet she can poop super fast!

The Flash #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't think I praise the art in this comic book enough. If I do, then that apparently wasn't enough so it's still not enough because it's fantastic. And the writing is also superb. So +1 for writing and art and also maybe another +1/2 for keeping the same creative team on the title for twenty one issues. I hope they go the distance on this thing! +1 Speed Force Point for me!

All Star Western #21

Is Booster Gold going to accidentally bring Jonah Hex into the future?

This issue begins with Jonah Hex and Booster Gold high tailing it back to town with the Deadly Bounty Hunters close on their heels. The Dwarf gets shot in the head immediately so that nobody has to worry about his murdering ass anymore. And then as Jonah gets behind the Gatling Gun, the inevitable western moment approaches. That's when the heroes in a runaway wagon approach a cliff. It can't be helped because no matter where you are in the southwest, you're never at the lowest point. Just ask the Grand Canyon! Which the bottom of might be the lowest point. But nobody ever has to deal with a runaway wagon at the bottom of the Grand Canyon!

I suppose this will be the moment that Booster Gold realizes he's wearing a Legion Flight Ring. At least it'll be the moment where he learns what the Legion Flight Ring is for.

Forget flying! They should time travel!

Which is what they do! Booster Gold informs Jonah Hex that he should keep his seat in an upright position and make sure his tray table is up and all baggage is safely stowed under the seat in front of him. Also, he mentions how he should probably hang on to Booster Gold. But just like when I travel, Jonah doesn't listen to fuck all and ignores all the safety procedures. Instead, he punches Booster Gold in the face and falls away from him to land in a different place and time.

Jonah Hex is awakened by some Steampunk cosplayers in a subway tunnel in a modern city. Probably Gotham since he's going to fight Batwing. I'm pretty good at putting clues together. If you tell me two plus two equals four, I can tell you that two plus two also equals four. My equation had the twos reversed, in case you weren't sure of the difference. It's just that kind of special brand of logic that I bring to life! Can't fool me!

I'm pretty sure Nodell's is a drag club like Portland's Darcelle's. Which is why Snyder and Capullo are headlining.

A cry for help leads Jonah into an alley where a gang of muties are mugging some tourists. Do I recognize these guys from somewhere? The Dark Knight Returns, maybe? Yeah, that's it. Now I never watched Batman Beyond, so were these kinds of gangs in that show as well? I wish Jonah Hex could have entered the pages of Transmetropolitan. I want to see him team up with Spider Jerusalem now.

Jonah Hex doesn't have time for your suggestions.

After Jonah kills all of the gang members, the Gotham City Police roll up and merely add to the confusion, in some ways I wouldn't have even considered.

Out of all the things you're confused by, Jonah--the lights, the cars, the Tasers, the airplanes--it's the black police officer that you question first. Coming from 19th Century America, that's understandable.

Speaking of racism and prejudice, I played some Call of Duty on Saturday night outside of Party Chat. I sometimes forget how many assholes play first person shooters because I tend to only play with my friends and in Party Chat so we don't have to listen to anybody else. For those of you who don't know how it works, a bunch of random people are brought together into a lobby before the game starts. When people are talking, you can see the microphone icon next to their name. People may talk trash to each other at this point and it's mostly annoying shit that they think is the most clever thing ever said outside of Oscar Wilde's parlor. But when the game begins, the screen changes to a loading screen where you can't see who is speaking. And that's when people feel brave enough to let their true racist selves go to town so that they won't be reported. At this point, all you hear are a bunch of people letting loose with "YOU BUNCH OF FAGGOT NIGGERS!" and variants of that phrase. Pretty much exclusively variants of that phrase. What's really depressing is that I've been playing Xbox First Person Shooters for about seven years now and none of this shit has changed. The only thing that's changed is Xbox giving players options to not have to hear these pricks. Too bad those idiot assholes don't realize their voice sounds the same on that screen as on the screens that show who is talking. Because as soon as I hear them brag about some great shot and it's that voice that screeched out nonsense during the loading screen, I file a report. It's not much but fuck their cowardly asses.

Also, I'm pretty fucking good at Call of Duty so kicking their asses is always pretty satisfying.

Now I wish my Xbox Gamer Tag was Jonah Hex instead of The Red Lizard!

Enough about powerless youths trying desperately to gain some kind of power through hateful language. Time to get back to Jonah Hex's power struggle in Future Gotham.

Hey Batwing! I was just speaking of racial insensitivity!

I wonder if Marvel has any Nazi superheroes that go around fighting crime while wearing their Nazi uniform? I suppose this isn't much different except for the fact that Jonah Hex isn't a superhero. He's just this guy, you know? Because he generally seems to fight for the underdog and against corruption and assholes, I've never really thought much about his beliefs. I just assumed he fought for the South because he was from the South or that he was conscripted somehow or maybe he was drunk and signed up by accident. But hell. I suppose he could be a racist asshole too, couldn't he?

Batwing questions Hex as they brawl because Hex is using antique guns and talking about Amadeus Arkham and mentioning the Crime Bible and the Court of Owls and just generally presenting himself as another Batshit loonybird from Gotham. Batwing knocks him out after learning his name (I don't know if Batwing doesn't believe it because it's a crazy name or because Batwing has actually heard of Jonah Hex) and Jonah wakes up in a straight jacket in Arkham Asylum as Arkham Inmate #1857.

Fuck this comic book is some good comic book shit.

Meanwhile the Stormwatch back-up story that wasn't what I thought it was going to be and has completely disappointed me by hardly being about Jenny Freedom at all is about to wrap up. The Virgin Doctor Thirteen was just about to get his throat torn out by Mircalla Nosferata. Unless her name was something different since I'm just guessing at it!

Apparently Doctor Thirteen wasn't as virginal as the rumors would have had Nosferata believe. Or he's a big proponent of eating tons and tons of garlic.

Yep. Turns out he's been eating a buttload of garlic (again, I must point out, I know the expression is "boatload" but I vastly prefer to say "buttload"). Some kind of nutrition regimen that's also meant to kill rats. He's a weird guy. I love him.

I don't know a whole lot about Master Gunfighter although he seems to be of the Blade variety. But simply having Jenny Freedom and Doctor Thirteen on this version of Stormwatch could carry a full length comic book. I'm ready for it! They just have to replace Adam One with some other 19th Century character. Like Bat Lash!

When the Queen Vampire dies, the rest just begin to explode. And then the cavern crashes down on top of the City of Gold and the three Crystal Skulls of Boundless Rule which Adam was after. And which he was more than willing to sacrifice Doctor Thirteen for. Which has left Doctor Thirteen a wee bit upset.

Fisticuffs!

The team decide to ditch Adam One without his horse and without his clothes. Seems a sensible plan to me. And then Jenny Freedom offers to remove the virginity from Doctor Thirteen. I was hoping she'd bring it up seeing as how she's Jenny Freedom and thus free of any sexual hang-ups as well as everything else. Have some fun with the stodgy old virgin!

This final chapter of 19th Century Stormwatch is the story I was hoping for from the beginning! Too much time was wasted recruiting one after the other and then last issue I don't remember very well but I think there was fighting and stuff. But this one had the makings of a great Stormwatch team! These members are interesting and fun! I don't know when they'll be back but I really look forward to seeing them again.

All Star Western #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I loved everything about this issue. Bravo, DC! More of this stuff! I wonder if Booster Gold is back in the normal NOW of DC Time? Just in time for The Trinity War! He and Skeets need to play a part.