Justice League Dark #21

Hell, she fucks demons and stiffs. Why not corpses as well?

At the end of last issue, Madame Xanadu met her long lost son, Doctor Destiny. She's been alive a long time and she doesn't seem to be too discriminating about the people she sleeps with, so the father could be almost anybody. She should have had a policy of looking into the future before she slept with anyone to make sure she didn't wind up pregnant with a skeleton faced monster with a dream fetish. But now that she's meeting her horrible son for the at least second time (unless Ladies of the Lake give birth some strange, extra-dimensional way that involves never seeing the child), she's decided to get one of her never very helpful glimpses of the future.

In all her years? She glimpsed this much death just a few months ago when she saw the future that would arise if Constantine got his hands on the Books of Magic! And I'm pretty sure it was the same result when The Enchantress was going fucking nuts! And I'm pretty sure just about all of her visions of the future involve everybody being dead!

In this future twenty years from now, Doctor Destiny destroys everything. That still makes this future better than the one with Harvest in it. Too bad this future isn't going to happen because Madame Xanadu saw it and once Madame Xanadu sees a future, that future never comes to pass. You would think that would raise some people's suspicions!

Madame Xanadu: "Whew! That was a close one! It's a good thing you guys bought me this Plasma Television and picked up this delicious curry for me. The end of the world was just narrowly averted!"
Constantine: "So what does that make, love? You've saved the world, what? Eight hundred and ninety four times?"
Madame Xanadu: "*munch munch* Yepph, sounffs bou' rife! *munch munch*"
Constantine: "Which means you've incorrectly predicted the future, let's see...eight hundred and ninety four times?"
Madame Xanadu: "*choke* Um...what are you saying?"
Constantine: "Stop fucking calling me with your 'end of the world' problems, right?"

Oh hey! John is getting wise! Good for him.

The Flash zips around Manhattan for a couple of pages because he's still guest-starring in this comic book. He thinks some vaguely insulting things about the Justice League of the Dark but decides they may even be better kids than those super duper superheroes with which he usually runs around.

+1 Speed Force Point to me!

Madame Xanadu has to resort to punching Doctor Destiny in the no...um...uh...skull because she's practically useless otherwise. Sure, she seems to cast a few spells here or there and zap people with magic lightning but Zatanna's much better at magic with a more diverse repertoire. I don't mean to say she's not useful simply because Zatanna is more useful. I'm just trying to say she's not useful.

As Madame Xanadu turns pugilist, Deadman enters Swamp Thing and it's just as gay as it sounds.

I always feel so juvenile when I make wiener jokes!

What have we learned so far, kids? The House of Mystery has an enormous cock.

Once Deadman gets a glimpse at the entirety of the House from Swamp Thing's point of view, he realizes he can enter the mindscape of the House. So now Deadman is going to possess a house? Ridiculous! What am I reading here? Saturday Morning Cartoons?

And since Saturday Morning Cartoons are the super bestest, it's kind of like I am reading them! I can't wait to see what Deadman does once he takes control of the House's huge wood.

Deadman possesses the House and opens a window or two which causes a breeze to blow across Doctor Destiny's exposed nerve endings causing him to collapse in pain. Also, Swamp Thing and all of the Swamp Thing's doubles shove their roots down his mouth and nail him to the wall.

Meanwhile, The Flash continues to run errands for the Justice League of the Dark. +2 Speed Force Points!

The Flash seems to enjoy simply taking orders and cleaning up after everybody. I'm surprised Batman doesn't like him more.

The Flash rescues Frankenstein and now Frankenstein is indebted to The Flash for saving his life twice. I think that means Frankenstein has to either become The Flash's butler or marry him. I hope Patty likes threesomes. Or tea and scones, if it turns out to be the former.

And then Madame Xanadu considers having an abortion.

What's the law's position on abortions in the 67th Trimester?

Instead of killing, Xanadu simply removes the Dreamstone from his chest. Unless it does kill him. But I think The Flash could have stopped her if she was going to kill him. At least he should have stopped her! He's a fucking super hero! And he just stood by while she whacked away at her son! He must have used his Speed Mind Power to see what the result was going to be and knew she wasn't going to kill him. Hey! The Flash is better at seeing the future than Madame Xanadu!

And finally, Madame Xanadu doesn't tell everyone who Doctor Destiny's father was. Thanks a lot, tease! Now what am I supposed to do with this raging curiosity I've got in my pants! You know this can kill a guy, right? Or was that a cat?

Justice League Dark #21 Rating: No change. Does Jeff Lemire think I'm that easy? That I'll give up a good ranking simply because he told me about his junk but wouldn't show it to me? Fuck you, Lemire! I'm going to pick a character at random and forever believe that it is Doctor Destiny's father!

Through my secret process of divining the truth, I have discovered that Doctor Destiny's father is Hector Hall, The Silver Scarab! Which is interesting in that Hector Hall was the father of Daniel Sandman. The Sandman whose Dreamstone was used by Doctor Destiny! Wow! My secret process of divination must really work!