Batman Loves Superman #17

These two spent so much time fucking, the bomb almost went off!

Last issue, a whale exploded and a man in a Superman costume who was entertaining some children was shot in the chest by a bug. The inevitable conclusion that must be drawn from these two events is that Superman has a Joker! Well, that's the conclusion Batman came up with. And if any of the Batkids had been in the Batcave when Batman was revealing this to Superman, they would have been able to tell Superman, after Batman went up to get some hot milk, that that's always Batman's first hypothesis. Then they would have told him about that time when the tidal wave devastated Malaysia when Batman had Aquaman convinced it was the work of Aquaman's Joker. Or the time Gotham City seemed to be completely out of Earl Grey and Batman shook his head slowly and said, "Looks like you've got yourself a Joker, Alfred." Batman's perspective on most situations might be a little bit wonky.

Just before last issue ended, Superman's Joker lashed out at three different areas of the world: South Korea, Khandaq, and Metropolis. Guess which one Superman thinks needs him most! Wrong, not the two volatile areas that can erupt into an instant World War! He goes to Metropolis! And it's to save...um...hmm...this can't be right.

I hope Lex Luthor's list of suspects is better than Batman's.

Lex Luthor's list is just as dumb as Batman's and it's composed of only one person and that person is the joke suspect that I was going to say and then thought, "Why would he blame Superman himself?" And yet, he does! He says Superman has the knowledge and power to be doing the things Superman's Joker is doing.

So basically, whoever Superman asks, they're not going to put any thought into the problem at all. They're just going to think, "Who would I blame?" and then use that as their answer. Great. Perfect. Everybody in Greg Pak's DC Universe is a narcissistic buttplug.

Oh Lex! None of that would happen. Maybe, in the short term, people would panic and LexCorps stocks would drop. But once your sister took over and she began sharing LexCorps knowledge with Bruce Wayne and Ted Kord, and all of your secret knowledge is used to help the world instead of simply focused on killing Superman, LexCorps stocks will triple in value! And all the risk-takers who hung onto their LexCorps stock will be incredibly wealthy! Although going by what Lex said would happen to America and Southeast Asia, it's possible LexCorps is just a front for sex trafficking.

Lex goes on to not just speculate but confidently forecast exactly what his near assassination will do to the global economy, as well as the global effects of the assassinations of a general in Khandaq and a South Korean Pop Star. I don't know why, but the entire thing makes me hate Greg Pak just a little bit more than I was already hating him for all the memory wipe stories. I guess some people equate genius with mere prognostication. "He's so smart that he knows everything that will happen before it happens simply by observing the world around him!" I wonder if this kind of thinking about intelligence formed from early readings of Asimov's Foundation series in which the far flung future is predicted by a man who worked out equations based on social, cultural, economic, and political variables. I'm sure it made some young, impressionable teens think that all you needed to work out the future were enough numbers to plug into enough variables.

In reality, the best reaction you can predict is that when something bad happens with a company, the stock price will drop because people are out there thinking, "Shit! I better sell because this is going to cause the stock price to drop!" Self-fulfilling market crash!

Superman realizes his Joker (or his Superman?) is killing targets that Superman has saved in the past. But they're people nobody should know he saved. So who could know Superman's own thoughts? Let's see...Krypto! I'm sure Superman tells Krypto everything. And while he's talking to Krypto, the Phantom Zone prisoners are probably listening in. And isn't The Bottled City of Kandor still missing? Maybe one of them got out, driven mad by Superman's hairy sack swinging by the bottle every time he got out of bed to take a whiz. Also, Zombie Lana Lang that lives in his head. But everybody has probably forgotten about her. Queen Bee and Hector Hammond who both possessed Superman's mind and probably know everything about him. And if that's true, then they could have sold the information to the entire criminal underworld! So, I think everybody knows Superman's thoughts?

Hey! I actually thought like the World's Greatest Detective because they go to visit Hector Hammond in a secure STAR Labs facility under the ocean!

Really Batman? He's already been in Superman's head! Don't give him access to yours too!

Batman gives Hector a memory of the Joker laughing. Boring! I wanted some salacious Catwoman stuff!

Hector helps Batman and Superman track down the most deranged mind on the planet but also capable of the assassinations that have been taking place. And the mind he comes up with is Twat Lobo's mind! Who is currently in Metropolis. I think when last we saw Twat Lobo, he was about to head to Metropolis to hunt down one of the assassins of the Earth who was hunting down some super-weapon. Possibly the same weapon used to in all the killings. Twat Lobo's obviously not the killer but I guess it'll be a bit of a distraction so Greg Pak can keep everybody guessing as to who the real Superman's Joker is.

Superman deals patiently with Twat Lobo.

Poor Twat Lobo! Already getting his ass kicked by other heroes to show they can defeat the deadliest assassin in the DC Universe!

Superman continues to be taunted by the voice of his Joker. He's no closer to figuring out who it is. So Batman's next plan is to dangle Lois Lane on the end of a stick to lure the villain into the open. Lois seems okay with this plan.

Batman Loves Superman #17 Rating: No change. Everybody's memories are still intact (mostly!), so that's a good sign. Although the pay off on this villain had better be pretty damned clever or I'm going to find a picture of Greg Pak's face on the internet, print up a full color, life-sized version of it, cut out the eyes and mouth, put it on myself, look in a mirror, and say, "I'm so sorry for wasting your time, Texx. I'll do better next time." Then I'll remove the mask and say, "It's Tess! Not Texx!" And then I'll quickly put the mask back on and say, "Oh! Sorry, sorry! Tess! I'm sorry, Tess!" Then I'll wink and lick my lips and say, "I love you, baby."

Superman #24

Triple Yippee Yay! The end of the Psi War!

Why was Mike Johnson brought in to finish Scott Lobdell's Psi War story? Was Editorial sick of Lobdell's Psionic Story not going anywhere? So they called in Mike Johnson to clean it up before Lobdell began his ridiculous Krypton Returns story? How do I know it's ridiculous when I haven't read it yet? Because it was written by Scott Lobdell, of course! Where have you been for the last two years? Reading Marvel? Well, if you were, lucky you. I wonder if anybody would notice if I stopped reading the 26 worst DC books and just began picking up Marvel comic books?

Last issue, Blue Lightning Lois Lane arrived to knock Psycho Pirate's mind dick out of Superman's brain sphincter. This issue begins by learnin' us about Lois Lane's 3rd Grade experience of being struck by lightning. She wrote a paper about it and it was published in the local paper. I don't know where Lois Lane grew up but now I know it was a place where an eight year old was as competent at writing newspaper stories as the adults. I suppose it might have been a gimmick by the local paper to sell more papers. "Read the SHOCKING firsthand account of the little girl ravaged by nature's fury!" But Lois Lane would never let a little girl scoop her! Fuck that sentimental shit! Lois would have gotten the story if she'd had to set the little girl's backpack on fire.

I read this immediately as "part of this story." And I was sympathetic.

Psycho Pirate defeats Lois and then takes off to turn everybody in Metropolis into emotional basketcases. He says he's freeing them from the shackles of civility or something. I guess that means freeing them from the ability to be kind and generous and peaceful as well. As if the only reason people don't rape and kill every other person is because society made some rules and we've all been brainwashed to follow them. If Psycho Pirate really is freeing everybody to act on "pure emotion," most people are going to feel empathy as strongly as any of the others. The only thing that would really happen would be a small percentage of sociopaths that were previously "passing" due to enforced laws would start acting inappropriately. So they'd probably start spitting on other people and killing too. Both of those things are inappropriate!

Lois heals Superman with her psychic powers but I guess she can control her powers well enough to keep from reading his mind. Although I'm sure she's quite curious to know his secret identity. And she's a reporter who must always get the scoop! So my guess is that she's going to pry a little bit and find out he's Clark Kent. Once she discovers it though, she'll decide to keep it to herself because he's a good friend. But she'll probably also decide he's a better catch than that other jerk she's been dating. What was his name? Steve? Mark? Dildo?

Once Superman is okay, Hector Hammond reappears. He's soon followed by one more old friend.

She merely looks like every other creator of a Social Media Website.

The people of Metropolis begin killing the fuck out of each other because Psycho Pirate took away their civility. "See, civilization is basically a big lie that we all buy into." Yes, that's how civilization works. But it's not a lie. It's a way to survive and to thrive as a species. We have the time to create and invent and think and relax when we agree to not steal the neighbor's shit and fuck her cute little dog Merle. She trusts that I won't do that and I trust that she won't burn my fucking house down. Sure, sometimes we break the rules a bit in an effort to get along as peacefully as possible. Like how she had some industrial sized wind chimes hanging right on the other side of my bedroom and I decided that sucked so I went out one morning and cut out the clapper so I could get some sleep. Was it a civil solution to the problem? Probably not. But nobody lost face and I get to sleep! Psycho Pirate continues with "It's not the natural state of things." No, it's not the "natural" state of things. But the natural state of things also isn't everybody running riot killing each other for no reason. As I said before, you take away civility and rules and you'll still have people who are filled with kind emotions instead of selfish ones and people filled with bravery instead of fear. Society wouldn't necessarily fall apart. We're still basically pack animals. And while a few pack animals fight over their place in the pack, most of them are content to just hang out and enjoy the protection of the group.

I'm not unsympathetic to the idea that phrases like "please" and "thank you" aren't mostly used as bullshit politeness. After all, I am the guy that has decided to stop shaking hands since it's far too aggressive an act. But I'm not certain I'm ready to admit that my "true self" is an eight year old cannibal.

Psycho Pirate believes he's saving the city. And Superman arrives to stop him using the only means Superman understands, especially when things get too cerebral or magicky: start punching stuff in the face!

I just pointed that out, Psycho Pirate! Stop reading my mind or being omniscient or whatever! Jerk.

Luckily the Psionics arrive to back up Superman. Speaking of psionics, when I first got into Dungeons and Dragons in the 5th Grade, my cousins and I were not really big followers of the rules. Or readers of them, actually. We mostly made up our own rules. We also, apparently, didn't understand the rules we half-assedly read either. Somehow we got it into our minds that Infravision was a psionic power that could cause people's heads to blow up. We also called it "in-fray-sion." I have a feeling this was a rule foisted on me by my Cousin Jerry because I would never have made that mistake with my reading comprehension! I have the standardized test score results to back me up!

Anyway, Lois realizes the Psycho Pirate needs to lose the Medusa Mask. Separating him from the mask is possibly the only way to beat him. And that sounds like, finally, a job for Superman! Or The Flash but he isn't around. Too bad once the task is done, Superman is too stupid and weak-willed to keep from shoving the mask on his own stupid Kryptonian face.

Okay, Lois. We get it! You know his secret. Now how about not shouting it in front of the entire city, hunh?

Superman is able to pull off the Medusa Mask and destroy it which sucks for anybody hoping for future appearances of Psycho Pirate that aren't written by Scott Lobdell and whomever Editorial can drudge up to finish Lobdell's shitty stories. The people of Metropolis are now free of Psycho Pirate's influence but they're once again under the control of the Iron Prison of Civilization! Ha ha! Losers! And then Lois Lane begins to fade away. My guess is Electric Blue Lois will simply fade out of existence and Lois Lane will wake up again in the hospital with no memories of the events of this story.

This is a nice moment that I'm not going to ruin with a dick joke. Although I've got a pretty good one about a vagina! No, no. I'll abstain.

Lois actually just loses her Electric Blue costume and morphs back into normal Lois in normal clothing. Clark Kent returns her to the hospital where she remains in a coma. Then he's sucked out into space to take part in the greatest comic book story to ever be told at either Marvel or DC! At least according to Scott Lobdell.

Superman #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad the Psi War is over, so that's a plus. But the story overall was a big miss. So that's a minus. But I did like the moment with Superman and falling-into-a-coma Lois. So that's a plus! I hate that all of the psychics just simply disappeared at the end of the comic book. What kind of stupid resolution is that? Minus! But I also like that Lois Lane now knows Superman's identity. That's a plus and I hope she actually retains the memory when she comes back around. It seems highly unlikely though.

Superman #23

This looks like the cover to a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Or an Atari 2600 Cartridge.

Knowing DC's history of getting cover information wrong, I am not quite ready to throw a fucking Bacchanalia simply because Scott Lobdell's name isn't on the cover. I'm close! But I need title page confirmation first! And then, let the orgy commence!

I was wrong! I didn't need a title page to learn the truth! I now know it's true because the first page wasn't completely Lobdelled! And I haven't even read this page yet! Hallelujah!

I'm going to take credit for this abdication as well, okay? I think the last problem I need to solve is Nocenti on Catwoman. And seeing as how her last issue was co-plotted, maybe that's already taking care of itself as well!

Supergirl was a pretty good comic book when Mike Johnson was writing it, so I hope he continues just doing his thing. Although maybe if he could tighten up his plots a little bit, that would be great.

Let's begin this commentary in a really shitty didactic way by bringing up semantics and pseudo-philosophical bullshit. The Narrator says in that first Narration Box up there, "The great thing about being omnipresent is that you know everything. You can be at anytime, anyplace." Technically, you are ALWAYS at every time and every place. I suppose, if I don't want to be a total internet dick about it, the Narrator is speaking in a metaphorical kind of way about concentration and consciousness. Perhaps he's pointing out how you can sort of hyper-concentrate on one moment in time to truly enjoy it. Although, again speaking semantically, an Omniscient Being wouldn't need to do that. Hell, an Omniscient Being would have a shorter lifespan than any of us have! It would experience all time and space and everything in no time. Instantly. Quicker than instantly. And then what? It would be like the hugest and quickest orgasm of all time. Of all no time since it would begin and end without the concept of time even coming in to play! In comparison, we get to stroll casually through our desperately few decades and enjoy the scenery! Being omniscient and immortal isn't all it's cracked up to be, really.

It would be better to be semi-omniscient and semi-omnipresent! I think that's more the case of this Narrator. He is still subject to the flow of time but knows when and where everything will ever happen and can travel instantaneously to any of these points and observe or take part in them. Although, really, why bother? If you've already experienced what you're going to do when you head out the door for the day, why even bother heading out the door?

Currently the Narrator is observing the origin of The Psycho Pirate, one of The Twenty who made his very first appearance in The New 52 over in Superboy. A round of applause, please, for Psycho Pirate! He's such a flamboyant fop! I love him so much.

Maybe the Narrator is Oracle! Perhaps he's actually doing something for once!

But that was all four years ago! Now the Omnipresent Narrator (who was probably already saying these things while saying the other things four years ago) has some shit to say about Superman being covered in Metropolis's Pyschic Ejaculate, thanks to Queen Bee of H.I.V.E.

Wash that psychic semen deep into every pore, Superman!

It's a good thing the physical manifestation of psychic energy looks exactly like honey or else the whole Queen Bee/H.I.V.E schtick would be ridiculous! Speaking of H.I.V.E., the Narrator lets us in on some information previously held back by the less than omniscient Scott Lobdell who only created this New 52 version of them: H.I.V.E. is not only a secret organization bent on enslaving the minds of the entire world; it's also a social media site! Like!

Queen Bee tries to convince Superman that socialism is good for everyone but Superman has capitalism in his nutsack, so he's not fucking buying it! Free enterprise for everybody! Throw off the shackles of Government Honey and Worker Bee Psychic Health Care! Long live the 40 hour work week and, if you're lucky, two weeks of paid vacation! Yay for work! Yay for the system! Boo for tyrant Queen Bees who don't want us to think free thoughts because obviously individualism goes out the window at just the hint of psychic socialist programs!

Queen Bee is ruining everything with her dream of a socialist utopia. Thanks a lot, Obama.

That previous paragraph may have been a bit confusing because I was speaking out of both sides of my mouth, so to speak. It's also possible that Queen Bee's new world order is not a metaphor for socialist programs being forced on a capitalist society full of rugged individuals who are insulted that somebody would want to make their life easier. It could just be Queen Bee is an asshat and Superman doesn't like asshats.

This could be just a comic book and not social commentary. But you know what's great? Now that Scott Lobdell isn't writing it, I can actually believe there might be more to it whether there is or not!

Queen Bee, like every other character written by Scott Lobdell, believes that Superman revels in his power of the people. I know Mike Johnson is now writing her! But he's staying true to her roots!

It's a good thing the Narrator is along for the story so it can constantly explain everything to me or else I'd be completely lost. Psionics? What does that mean? Telekinesiwhat? Illusions? It's all so confusing! Even Superman can't cope because none of his powers work the way they should when everything he sees and hears is happening inside his head. He could be sitting in the tub for all he knows.

Eventually, Hector Hammond shows up. Which means, as I said last issue, Superman can now sit things out because all of this psychic shit is way out of his league. It's probably a good thing that Lois Lane has been infused with The Twenty's psychic powers so she can come to Superman's rescue.

Jim Shooter: "Why the fuck are there two Queen Bee heads in that last panel? Doesn't anybody remember what panel borders are for?! Readers are going to be confused by this nonsense!"

Queen Bee and Hammond begin using the citizens of Metropolis to battle each other. Superman is one of them until The Queen Bee rushes off to deal with Hector Hammond's body where he left it back at H.I.V.E. headquarters. And then Superman is free to save the day. Somehow. He needs to be a bit smarter than he actually is so he's probably going to go get Aquaman. Then once he gets Batman's phone number from Aquaman, Superman will get Batman to tell him how to save the city.

It's not that the Narrator isn't completely omniscient; it's just that he's quite apathetic as well.

Superman heads to H.I.V.E. Headquarters to defeat Hector Hammond and The Queen Bee but when he gets there, he finds Hector Hammond collapsed in a heap with a small head. And Hammond lets Superman know that The Queen Bee is dead. Because the Narrator has killed her and taken away Hammond's powers.

Surprise! This issue ends exactly like Superboy #23! No wonder Psycho Pirate claimed he was omnipresent!

Superman #23 Rating: No change. Can we just get new writers on all of Scott Lobdell's bullshit comics, throw out any plot with his taint on it, and just start over? It kind of feels like that's what's going on here. After all the stupid fucking bullshit buildup to H.I.V.E. and Hector Hammond taking over everything and ending the world, they suddenly get their asses kicked by Psycho Pirate. Deus Ex Fop much? Although since they're all part of The Twenty (I think they all are. Hector? I think. Maybe?), all of this battling between psychic assholes is still building toward Vril Dox coming to Earth and replacing all human minds with Coluan minds. Mostly the story has just been rambling bullshit going from whatever idea Lobdell could think up one month to whatever idea he could tack on to the story the next month. I wouldn't mind that kind of story if he didn't insist on telling a possible end of the world tale with every story. I also wouldn't mind if the characters were interesting enough to let the shitty plot take a backseat. Anyway, here's to hoping Lobdell is off Superman for good. Just...just...fuck that guy.

Superman #21

Wasn't this just fucking resolved last issue? Did Scott Lobdell come up with a better way to end it so he's going to begin again?

Yay! It's time to read the shittiest book of The New 52! Now, now. I know a lot of you are saying, "But Tess! What about Teen Titans?" And to that I would respond, "Don't fucking call me Tess!"

I usually like to spend a lot of time berating Scott Lobdell for how awful his stories are but today I'm going to try something different! It's four in the morning on July 4th. So I'm tired and it's a holiday. Which means I'm going to resist being a bully! Scott Lobdell is a troll and I'm not going to be baited! I'm going to calmly read this comic book so that when I lie down to fall asleep, my heart isn't going two hundred beats per minute and froth isn't frothing from my mouth. Or does froth foam? Does foam foam? Or does foam froth?

This issue begins with DC allowing Scott Lobdell to ruin yet another fucking character. Thanks a lot, DC!

Mmmmm! The sweet, sweet nectar of masturbation fantasies.

I'm surprised this comic book didn't begin with, "My name is Queen Bee. I was created by H.I.V.E. Unless H.I.V.E. was created by me. It doesn't matter anymore! It's time for my soak in perversion and suicidal thoughts!"

Why can't Scott Lobdell leave H.I.V.E. alone? He may have been the first to mention H.I.V.E. but now Justin Jordan is writing Superboy. Just leave it to him, okay? Let it go, Lobdell. Just let it go. And while you're at it, let the Teen Titans go. What did they ever do to you? Why are you torturing them? And the fans. Be cool, man. Just walk away for the greater good. Do you want my copy of John Stuart Mill's "On Liberty"? I'll send it to you free! Hopefully it'll show you how selfish you're being living your life writing comic books and making some pretty good money at it. Your life is good. But you're just one man. Just think of all the millions of people who would benefit by you walking away from DC Comics for good? Just, you know, think it over.

On the next page, Lobdell gives us the meaning of the acronym H.I.V.E.: Holistic Integration for Viral Equality. Does that make sense? Somebody tell me that makes sense! Let's see, something needs to be integrated. And it needs to be integrated in a way that concerns itself with all the parts of the whole. Okay, so those parts need to be integrated so that something becomes holistic. Got that? Somewhat? Okay. Now what needs to be integrated? Well, nothing, really, since the "Holistic Integration" is simply for "Viral Equality." I guess the "integration" encompasses everything and everybody. It's like the unstated "you" in a command. And the reason omnithing needs to be integrated is for Viral Equality! Okay, I get the equality part but why the viral? If I want to lie to myself, I can tell myself it just means that the means by which omnithing will be integrated to achieve equality is through viral means. But that doesn't make sense if Viral is modifying Equality. Does it? I'm fucking confused.

Not that the Preboot H.I.V.E.'s acronym was any better! The Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination. Awful. Just awful.

Queen Bee explains that H.I.V.E. is going to "course correct the human race." They're going to "bring about global parity." I guess that means everything on the globe is going to be equal. So no more fucking arrogant humans thinking they're better than rocks. Arrogant motherfuckers. To manage this, she's going to use Hector Hammond. Because he failed to end the Omniverse, now he'll be used to save the omniglobe! Plums will stand side by side with dolphins! Farts will be president! Dogs and cats living together! Oh! Maybe H.I.V.E. should stand for "Holistic Integration of Venkman's Equation"! I know that equation was about disasters of Biblical proportions but what do you think H.I.V.E. really has in mind? Omnithing fucking singing Kumbyah?

When did this comic book become The Hector Hammond Show?

Seriously. Is ever story going to feature Hector Hammond now? Did Scott Lobdell brainstorm so many Hammond story ideas that he had to get them all out in a row? Or, like Bill Cosby, did he tell us that last story so that he could tell us this one?

Meanwhile over in S.T.A.R. Labs (Sonorous Teenagers Attending Recess), everyone is patting themselves on the backs for how smart they are and how much grant money is rolling in. So Scott Lobdell finally decides to comment on society at large and he begins by trashing scientists? What a dick.

It turns out one of the Scientists works for H.I.V.E. which now act like the Borg by infecting people (the VIRAL!) with Honey Juice (the Equality!) so that they all share one mind. Get it? H.I.V.E. has a hive mind! And they're run by Queen Bee! Because it's called Hive! Where bees live! And bees all think the same thought all of the time!

Not very original. It's like, you hear the word "hive" and you come up with this? Obvious. It's like hearing the word "wood" and telling a dick joke. Lousy fucking writers.

Now that The Queen Bee's Third Army has injected Honey into the brains of the scientists, they kidnap Hector Hammond because his gigantic mind is the biggest honeycomb of them all. It's big! Yeah yeah yeah! It's not small. No no no. He's got a big head! Big, big, big! A big, big head for a big, big mind! Hector Honeycomb!

Meanwhile in Gotham City, Clark Kent is eating Sweet and Sour Soup and using Thought Bubbles. He's also meeting with a confidential source that was impressed with Clark Kent's ability to do the journalism. To be fair, at this point in time, a family of otters could probably run a newspaper better than most journalists.

Special thanks to Judd Winick for the tutelage of using "again" in comedy during Real World San Francisco!

God fucking dammit! It's now five in the morning and I've only read six stupid pages! That's one more hour I could have spent playing Call of Duty! Or eating Oreos!

The informant holds a gun to Clark's head. I'm surprised it's not a thermal detonator seeing how every other aspect of the character was stolen from Return of the Jedi. Female in head to toe combat armor with a voice distorter. She gives Clark a folder full of information on "The Twenty." Clark says it's an Urban Legend but she assures him they are not. She doesn't give him any information on "The Thirteen" though because they're from Red Hood and the Outlaws and Lobdell doesn't write that anymore. Ha ha!

I'm sure "The Twenty" are twenty very powerful business men that control everything and aren't really men at all but lizards from another dimension whose bloodlines date back to Charlemagne.

Shouldn't that be "Did we hear that?"

As H.I.V.E. are transporting Hector Hammond through the sewers in a medical chair that must be hooked to a gazillion batters, a loose wire touches the water and zaps Hector Hammond into Godhood and he enters the minds of everyone in Metropols. But it only lasts for a moment and then he's back in his gigantic brain. Although he left crumbs in the minds of everybody, so they all begin to flip the fuck out. Except for Superman. I think Orion put up a No Hector Hammond sign in Superman's brain after his last meeting with Hammond. That was last issue.

Clark Kent decides to investigate so he turns into Superman and leaves the plane he was on flying into Metropolis. How does he exit the plane in mid-flight? Fuck you! I'm Scott Lobdell, bitches!

Superman rescues Lois when she thinks she's invulnerable and he talks Jimmy Olsen away from the ledge when Jimmy realizes he's a billionaire and then Superman gets a mind message from somebody willing to tell him the truth. Oh please, please, please, let it be the newspaper run by otters!

It's not. It's a message from the head of a worse newspaper, The Daily Planet. Instead of O. Otter Otterson, P. Percy Whiteson is telling everybody that he's Superman. Superman tells him he's an idiot and to get back to work and then flies off to unravel the mystery. He realizes that whatever is happening revolves around him because he's a fucking egomaniac. But he knows just enough to know that he doesn't know enough. At least not yet! Don't worry, Superman. By next issue, Scott Lobdell will have completely forgotten what was happening.

And finally, The Queen Bee meets Hector Hammond. He's not as comatose as she would have liked though. So now instead of using him, I guess she's going to have to work with him. And marry him! And poop out a bunch of his drones!

Superman #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. Whatever. This was better than The Teen Titans. It may, in fact, and this isn't saying a fuckload of a lot, have been the best issue of Superman yet! Besides maybe the first one that immediately went off the rails by Issue #2.

Hector Hammond! (as seen in Superman #18)

Part 21 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Full Name: Hector Hammond
Occupation: Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: California State Prison [Now STAR Labs where he's going to turn everybody against Superman! What an interesting and dynamic new plotline Lobdell has invented!]
First Appearance: GREEN LANTERN #5
Height: 5'1" Weight: 156 lbs. [Most of that in his head.]
Eyes: Blue Hair: Brown, with white temples

HISTORY
"While wandering the California hills [Which hills? California is a big place! Northern California? Santa Cruz? Los Angeles?] in an attempt to evade the law, petty criminal Hector Hammond accidentally discovered a fallen meteor that was causing nearby foliage to evolve into a form that would not exist for another 100,000 years [Untrue! It existed immediately!]. After carrying the meteor back to his hideout [How did he avoid exposure?], Hammond kidnapped four prominent scientists [Kidnapping? For a "petty criminal"? That meteor really caused him to up his game.] and exposed them to the meteor, which changed them into future-men whose heightened mental abilities were balanced by their weakened will power. Hammond forced the scientists to become inventors of items he later claimed he invented himself [Total dick move. I bet he was buddies with Multiplex.].

This brought Hammond to the attention of Green Lantern (see Green Lantern II) [What brought him to Green Lantern's attention? The use of high technology weapons or the stolen patents?], who had been searching for the missing scientists. After a lengthy battle, Green Lantern finally defeated Hammond, turned him over to the authorities, and restored the four transformed scientists to normal.

Escaping from prison months later, Hammond subjected himself to the rays of the meteor and changed himself into a future-man with an oversized brain. Determined to become immortal as well as master of the world, Hammond then adjusted the evoloution-meteor and bathed once more in its rays. Though the second exposure did indeed accomplish Hammond's goal, it also had an unexpected side effect, rendering he now immortal Hammond completely immobile.

Many times over the next several years, Hector Hammond pitted his super-futuristic mind against Green Lantern's power ring in an attempt to regain his mobility, but to date all Hammond's efforts in that direction have failed and he remains in a Federal penitentiary, a prisoner of his own body."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Incapable of any movement, Hector Hammond can be neither an athlete nor a hand-to-hand combatant [That's so disablist of the writers. Hector can be anything he puts his mind to! Ha ha!]. His greatest weapon is his futuristically evolved mind, with which he can gain temporary control over lesser, weaker minds, as well as attain some degree of telekinesis. Hammond can also create amazing futuristic weaponry and has, on occasion, used his mental powers to usurp temporary control of Green Lantern's power ring."