Teen Titans Annual #3

Doing a commentary on this Annual now that the Teen Titans featuring Scott Lobdell has been cancelled reminds me of one of my favorite lines by Norm McDonald: "What's the point of beating a dead horse aside from the pure pleasure of it?"

That quote may not be exact because I am one of those people that remembers the gist of shit (not jism of shit) rather than forcing myself to remember every line in excruciating detail so I can impress my asshole friends. Here's another one of Norm's lines that I love that I'm probably paraphrasing: "Kenny G has a new Christmas album out this year. Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus. I hope you like crap!"

And speaking of crap, let's read the Teen Titans!

The issue begins promisingly enough!

The only problem with this opening panel is that it occurs eight hours into the future. And we all know how much Scott Lobdell loves time travel comic books because motive derives from seeing the future. So while the Teen Titans would normally have to act according to their dreams, needs, or desires, in a story where we see the future (i.e. the death of the Titans), the Titans can act on that fact alone. So now they're driven to keep themselves from being killed in eight hours. Which they'll probably accomplish because this book is continued in Reboot Version Two in a few months.

Red Robin is then approached by a shadowy stranger that says, "This was all planned, so buck up, buttercup!" That must mean that the shadowy figure is Harvest! And Harvest is here to give Tim Drake the Eternal Kiss! That way, as a vampire, he can grow up to become Harvest so that he can go back in time to make sure that he bites Time Drake to make sure that Harvest can go back in time to bite Tim Drake!

Of course the reader doesn't get to see the face of the person Red Robin is ready to beat the shit out of. Because that's how comic books work, especially when you're too lazy to write your own stories. You just take the usual tropes, write some generic teen angst dialogue, and then run off to fuck a stray dog in the face.

Sometimes I worry that I might cross a line in the activities I imply Lobdell partakes. But then I realize all that I've ever really said, in many various and imaginative ways, is that Scott Lobdell sucks at writing. And the only way he can prove I'm lying is to write something decent. Which he can't do. So I'm lawsuit proof!

Teen Titans #30 ended with the Next Blurb asking readers to pick up the Annual to see who survived the yacht blowing up. As if that was going to be a major part of this annual. But long time readers of Lobdell knew that he'd never continue the story from there nor would he ever tell any more of that part of the tale! He never remembers anything he writes. So he just has Tim Drake watching the yacht sink the next day and thinking, "I'm just glad no one died in the explosion." Don't worry, Timmy. Nobody was fucking worried for one second. Guess what nobody is worried about now?! Nobody is worried that the team is going to die in eight hours.

When you use the same trick over and over, it stops losing its power. Every Lobdell story either involves a threat to the Omniverse which is always overcome, or it involves the future deaths of heroes (or the Omniverse!) which the heroes learn about somehow, so they must avert the future disaster. I'm fairly certain those are his only two stories. He may have others but they probably sucked so badly that I forgot all about them.

"Glue! I need glue!"

Two panels previous to this, Cassie says they have nothing to apologize for. I guess stealing shit doesn't count. Fuck you, Wonder Girl. You're the worst. Right after every other person on this team. And Superman, currently. And soon to be Jason Todd and Roy Harper (again!). Fuck, Lobdell. Why did you blow all of your X-Men money? Shouldn't you have purchased an island and gone off into retirement, never to be heard from or seen again?

This is Raven totally making sense. I want to kill them all as well. Although I actually have motivation for my feelings. "Habbits." Ha ha. Wait. Was that a joke or a typo? So hard to tell when Lobdell often has characters say things that only make sense if somebody were reading their dialogue and the dialogue's punctuation!

Bunker comes along and says, "Oh, hey there, Little Miz Betrayal." And Raven is all, "How'd you know?!" And Bunker is all, "Duh! Scott Lobdell!" And Raven is all, "Oh yeah! Totes duhs!" And Bunker is all, "Jesus loves you and shit even though you suck!" And Raven is all, "That's so cool!" And Bunker is all, "Score! One more in my account, God!" And God is all, "You're going to Hell, you gay." And Satan is all, "Man, that Guy is a prick. Don't worry, Bunker! It's cool down here! The only reason Jesus tells his Followers that Hell is the worst place ever is because I allow gays and Jews down here. We're just kicking it and shit. Just stay away from Trigon; he's a little rapey."

Red Robin has called an emergency meeting at a really stark and plain restaurant because Harvest is back and he's started another colony in Africa! Being that this is a Scott Lobdell story and he has a history of not knowing what the fuck he's doing, I'm not even going to try to figure out how this plan ties in with Harvest's plans in Superboy. I just don't have the patience to spend much brain power on this comic book.

Remember last issue when Skitters mentioned she was stuck in Skitters form? Yeah, the artists don't either.

The restaurant butts up against Danny the Street because Lobdell hasn't spent enough time soiling one of the greatest members of Doom Patrol in the history of members and patrols and doom. Thankfully Danny just transports the team to Africa as quickly as possible and then gets the fuck right out of this comic book. The Teen Titans arrive at the Colony in Africa to find it a little bit different than they remember it.

It's now Professor Harvest's School for Gifted Youngsters.

Seriously though. How many times am I going to be forced to say this: Scott Lobdell never stopped writing the X-Men.

The Titans discover that nobody was permanently killed in the Culling. They were all resurrected and enrolled in Colony College. And none of them were bitter or wanted their freedom or were pissed at how they were manipulated and tortured and killed! Because, fuck it, they're getting a free education now!

Things continue to get more and more familiar and DC's lawyers continue to get more and more nervous.

Cyclops?

Professor...Harvest?!

I'm sure that Lobdell thinks he's being cutesy doing this whole X-men parody thing. But to pull off good parody, you have to have already proven that you can write well (or at least done enough hilarious parody to show that you're good enough to run a site like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea) and that you have ideas of your own. But since Lobdell's last Annual was also a parody of the X-men, Lobdell is simply proving that he has no other ideas. There's still a lot of comic book left, so this whole thing could be an illusion to draw in the Titans and kill them but I have a feeling Harvest might actually be this sick, old vampire version of Tim Drake and he really does want to begin again! Except we saw that beginning sequence so we already know Harvest is a big poopy pantsed liar!

Harvest tells Red Robin that his ultimate goal was to help and maybe he went about it a little wrongheaded that first time. But since he's brought everybody back to life and taken away their powers, no harm, right? Time to party and learn Latin, dudes! Now it's an intellectual Culling! Beast Boy is lucky he's missing out on this one! Total washout, that one.

But then Red Robin and the team explore a bit and then a few pairs of giant green hands grab them all and then Red Robin gives everybody up for dead and is ready to record a message to warn the rest of the world that Professor Harvest's School for Gifted Youngsters is a bullshit front for bullshit and other shit.

That's when Harvest enters the room so that he can have a hearty philosophical brawl with Red Robin.

I suppose Harvest planned every word!

After two and a half years of being the most powerful, well-planned villain in the history of the DC Universe, Harvest goes down like a chump. Raven destroys his Meta-DNA supply so that he can't use it to become a super duper villain (although the college hasn't exploded with him in it yet, so there's always hope of a hand shooting up out of the rubble and a "The End?" popping up under it).

But wait! Scott Lobdell isn't yet done jerking off all over Marvel's trademarks! After the Teen Titans pat themselves on the back for defeating Harvest by leaving him in that explosion (seriously. He was right there. One of them could have helped him out as they fled), Superboy takes over the narration of the comic book! But he's no longer Superboy since he died back in that stupid Back to Krypton story arc. Now, he's a herald of OmniGalactusWatcher!

Or whatever the fuck this stupid piece of shit character is. Oracle!

Please make it stop! But it doesn't stop! It never seems to stop! Lobdell still has a few more pages!

Apparently Wonder Girl went back to being a thief because she's a fucking asshole. And Raven became her roommate because she's pure evil. Bunker and Beast Boy joined with the Green Team to create a new super hero group called International Douchebags. Kid Flash and Solstice are still fucked on future Earth a full millennium century in the future! Skitters got work at STAR Labs where the artists still weren't remembering how she wasn't supposed to be able to control her form. Red Robin hangs out with Batman patrolling Gotham and using their real names which seems stupid but then I'm not Batman so what the fuck do I know? Except we all know that the team is really just going to forget about all of this bullshit and start over in a few months. Even Scott Lobdell knows his shit is going to be forgotten immediately.

Actually, it only matters what happens from here on out. What came before was complete and utter garbage.

Teen Titans Annual #3 Rating: You have to kind of admire how Scott Lobdell thinks that by tacking on these epilogues, he's somehow going to control the future path of these characters. If any of this shit is even mentioned in the new series, I'm betting it doesn't go past a few panels with an editor's note saying, "See Teen Titans Volume One! If you don't give a shit about wasting your time!"

Teen Titans #29

I think Solstice already went too far at then end of last issue when she killed that judge. Although I wouldn't put it past Lobdell to completely rewrite the ending of last issue on the first page of this issue because he thinks comic book readers are moronic assholes. Hey, they say we judge others by how we see ourselves!

I have an idea! Can we spread the message that nobody should buy Teen Titans Annual #3? Let's send a message to DC Comics that we won't stand for anything else written by Scott Lobdell! That will be a $4.99 comic book that DC will tank on because we're all sick of the bullshit that forever leaks out of the end of Lobdell's pen. Of course I'll still buy it because you're all going to want to hear how bad it is, right? But nobody else should buy a copy! And then after I read my copy, I'll burn it on camera. Let's spread the message! Just say no to Scott Lobdell's truly offensive* writing!

*I'm not actually offended by anything he does. But I am offended that he's considered a "writer" and that he earns scads and scads of money from his "profession."

This story is called "Sentences" because Solstice and Kid Flash are on the run. This story also begins in The Colony hundreds of years before the story that's currently taking place. It was also before Solstice had stinking, sulfurous skin. It's just her skin's origin that she's telling to Bart in prison and it's not worth talking about. Although when the reader is returned to the future where Solstice and Bart are in prison, well...that's kind of worth talking about.

Yes, yes. Somewhere in the last 15 or so issues, Solstice had her skin lightened so that she's the same shade as Bart. But that's not what I want to talk about.

What I want to discuss is Mad Men. If I wasn't doing this commentary blog, I think I'd be doing an in-depth, episode by episode look at Mad Men. But I'm not doing that and I am doing this and maybe I should have typed those out in reverse order so that they match the structure of the previous sentence but I didn't. And I'm also not going to say much about Mad Men except that I've been rewatching Season Five in preparation for Season Seven (yes, yes. I'll get to six as well) and I just watched the Ho Jo Mo Lo episode. That's Howard Johnson Motor Lodge for you uncool non-hep cat squares. Jane, on acid, has that incredible insight into how relationships truly fall apart little by little when she says that bit to Roger about being kissed by another man, putting a stop to it, and then feeling bitter and resentful that her willpower was not rewarded by Roger even though he couldn't have known what had happened. That's truly the kind of insight you have while on acid and it was beautiful. Of course, you also have insights like thinking words and pictures on paper would be an incredible new form of media. Or insights like, "Why when you want to pause a movie, you push pause on the remote control. But then when you want the movie to begin playing, you push pause again?" Or insights like, "Triangles are the perfect shape and the secret of the world lies in the fact that you cannot create a shape with any less lines." So, you know, you get some hits and some misses.

But what truly puts the sentence on the end of that period (or vice versa) is when Megan points out that every time she and Don fight, they destroy a small piece of their relationship. I don't know how Peggy Olsen's story fits in. I think it's something about how when you go to the theater alone and give random hand jobs away to complete strangers, your relationship probably has already fallen apart.

No wait! What I really wanted to talk about with that panel above is how did Solstice lose her cracky skin? I'm assuming the story is going to tell us in a few pages because the only other time she looked human was in that issue where Kurt Loder took away her powers. Remember that one? She wound up naked on a balcony? Also it may have been Kurt Lance and not the MTV News Guy from forever ago. And instead of actually being naked on the balcony, DC told the colorist to paint her skin purple and green because she was too naked. But you can't really just change the color on a drawing of a naked person and pretend that person is suddenly wearing clothing. You have to like add buttons and pockets and sleeves and shit.

Am I done here yet? No? Still more craptacular crap to read? Okay, okay. But hurry it up, will me?

Takron-Galtos is Earth! IT'S EARTH! WHAT DID YOU DO?!

You know how hard it is to read this horrible comic book when I have so many other things to do? It's fucking torture, people! And guess how much money I make taking this bullet for you good-for-nothing slackers?! Let me see. Hmm. How do you work a calculator when you're drunk? What is money multiplied by zero? Is that anything?

Kiran and Bart declare their love for each other and it makes me so happy and weepy! This is the relationship everybody should care about! This one right...wait. No, no. It sucks. It's forced and contrived and doesn't actually mean shit when Bart tried to have all his friends killed earlier just to finish his rebellion. Nice try, Lobdell!

Red Robin stops by to say, "Why the fuck am I wearing a 'T' on my shoulder? Superman doesn't wear a 'JL' on his chest! Shouldn't my shoulders have 'R's on them to stand for Red Robin instead of 'T's which stand for Tim Tastic?"

Did you, though? Did you ever actually do anything to help the world? Wait, wait. Don't answer that. I will. No, you didn't. There wasn't one issue where you actually helped anybody but yourselves. So fuck off, assholes.

I'm kind of sick of these team super hero comic books where the team comes together to improve the world and really just wind up defending themselves from constant attack. Why even bother? Just fucking stay home and stop proving Glorious Godfrey right. Remember Legends? Yeah, he kind of had a fucking point.

"Hey Cassie! Even though all of this horrible shit is befalling our friends, that doesn't mean that I don't still have a penis and you don't still have a vagina, you know?"

Lobdell has a white board hanging in his office that reads, "Comic book fans love young people fucking." I think that's the only rule he follows. He doesn't realize the characters need to become their own persons before falling in love. He doesn't realize that time needs to be spent on characters falling for each other. Unless the comic book begins "in media amare" and then this kind of shit is okay. Although this is sort of realistic! I know whenever I've been in a situation where all of my friends have been killed or eaten or kidnapped or just turned up missing, and I was left alone with a single, solitary friend of the sex I was currently interested in, I tried to fuck that person. It's mother nature!

I also find it awkward using the word "mother" in such close proximity to the phrase "fuck that person."

Wrong! Not because you were a team! Because Cassie didn't want anything to do with your skanky bat ass!

Normally I would crop my scans better than that one up there but I can't spend any more time reading this piece of shit comic book. The Teen Titans have been awful for close to thirty issues now and if you purchased this entire run, shame on you. SHAME! Fuck, I made it a project to read every New 52 book and comment on them and I include myself in that shame! How dare I? How could I? I'm a right asshole for reading this entire series. Please, Jesus, forgive me. For I have sinned. I have pictured Scott Lobdell naked and tied up and suffering horribly in horrible situations varying in degree from rabid wolverines to Africanized honey bees.

Oh man! Is anybody about the same age as me? That would be a young twenty-three? Okay, fine. Forty two. And did you grow up in the United States of America? I grew up in California and nothing really scared me about nature and the world. Earthquakes were no big deal. I never worried about fires or floods or random homicidal maniacs or Bigfoot. But I worried incessantly about Africanized Honey Bees! The news loved to show a chart of the South and North Americas with lines showing, by year, where the bees would reach. I was terrified of the influx of millions of killer bees reaching my city and devastating the population! When AIDS first came on the scene, my first thought was, "Yes! Maybe we can use it to defeat the Killer Bees!"

Finally, Red Robin, Wonder Girl, and Raven are sent back in time by some people wearing skin tight suits that stop just this side of being vulgar. Dammit. When they get back to the New York of The Present, they discover Bunker and Beast Boy battling a couple of jerks calling themselves Light and Way. What assholes.

Teen Titans #29 Rating: Can anybody think of a worse comic book? I bet you can't! If you do, I'll probably hunt it down and read it just so I can shake my head and say, "Dag gum. It really is worse!"

Teen Titans #28

Ha ha! Throw the book at him! Throw all the books at him!

This cover makes it look like Kid Flash is being sentenced to an all teeth blow job. Get the fuck up, Solstice! Don't let Brett Booth take away your dignity by drawing you in this position where you're desperately holding on to your man as he's sentenced to every life ever in prison. How come he gets to stand tall and defiant while you gnash your teeth and rend your imaginary garments at the injustice of future justice? Also, why don't you get to wear any clothes? And what happened to Skitters? And why is Wonder Girl being written to fall for Superboy when he tried to kill her earlier? And why is Raven being characterized as a conniving dick?

Although the men aren't getting off much better. Tim Drake is a selfish, arrogant asshole that won't even let his teammates know who he is. He says it's to protect Batman's identity but Batman isn't really trying too hard to keep that secret himself. I think Tim just knows that one day he's going to betray them all by becoming a mastermind vampire from the future and he doesn't want any of them knowing his secrets. Superboy was killed off and replaced by an, if you can imagine it, even worse character. Kid Flash has been so annoying that I don't even care if he's killed off. At least Bunker escaped this mess. Maybe that's why Skitters left so early. It wasn't that she was useless; it's that she had some motherfucking pride. Good for her!

Only four issues left until I don't have to read this garbage anymore!

Scott Lobdell pisses me off right from the beginning when he begins: "The Echo Station...somewhen in the late 30th century." Somewhen. So fucking clever, Mr. Lobdell. As if the word "sometime" doesn't actually exist or the word "somewhere" is just too conventional since this is a time travel story and you have to make some kind of reference to the heroes of the story being out of time. Oh! That's another joke you can use! When Kid Flash is sentenced, somebody can say, "Well, I guess we're out of time!" And they can wink and elbow nudge Wonder Girl in the ribs when they say it. Although it's hard to see a wink from behind the Red Robin mask.

We're still on Page One and Lobdell is pissing me off again.

Has Scott Lobdell never been to outer space? Does he not know how it works? We could pretend that the one guy can't breathe because Superboy's grip is nearly choking him and not because the lack of oxygen. We can pretend that they are still close enough to the breach of the courtroom that they're all still enveloped in enough of the inside atmosphere to allow sound to carry and to allow them to breathe (for the moment). But even if we concede those points, now we have to believe that there is an event horizon for the gravity well of the two suns which Joke-el cannot escape which begins just a few feet from the Courthouse Satellite. I suppose I can keep making excuses for other things as well, like Joke-el is currently exhausted from his exploits in his own book and he's used up the last of his energy saving these three people but why should I? Why am I doing all the work trying to explain Lobdell's lazy writing. I hope Superboy gets pulled into one of the suns and dies. I hope they all do!

I hope Page Two is written better!

Man, that's why I always get hurt! I believe in people too much. I expect the best out of everybody! I think everyone is going to be smart and kind and considerate and avoid taking advantage of others! And the next thing I know, I'm waking up groggily in a bathtub full of ice with one kidney missing and ejaculate drying on my face. Again!

Goddammit. I have to put another quarter in my Judd Winick jar. Be right back.

Oh! Oh! Page Two explains one horrible part of Page One but doesn't help at all with making the concessions I made more believable. Although it also causes more trouble as Superboy skids in the frictionless space of space.

In space, no one can hear you interrobang.

So Joke-el throws a bunch of humans into the sun even though he earlier made a point earlier (possibly in Marv Wolfman's Superboy, possibly in one of Lobdell's own books since he remembers nothing he writes) that he only kills people with super powers. It's like his job! Protect humans (even though they just now started to disgust him at Kid Flash's trial) while killing superhumans. I'll give Lobdell the benefit of the doubt that I'm remembering this wrong (this time!), but I'm fairly certain I'm not wrong at all. I guess my mom was right about me always thinking I'm right!

As an ECHO spaceship comes along and blasts Superboy before asking him to declare his allegiance (fucking cops, amirite?), Superboy thinks about how he's dying because his human DNA is totally into segregation and thinks his Kryptonian DNA should not be stranding in the same chromosomes. Superboy thinks, "I'm dying." Really? Are you? I mean, I know that's the whole reason for Kal-el's previous existence. He was to help figure out a way to keep Joke-el alive. But by this time, Joke-el has been living for at least twenty years (from 2014 to 2034) without any harm. He seemed healthy enough then to kill most of the superheroes on Earth. But now he's dying again. Sure. Okay. I'll go with that. If I have to.

Back in the courtroom with the gaping hole in the roof that doesn't seem to be a problem anymore even though the vacuum of space is falling in and getting on everything, The Teen Titans battle to stop the battle. It's a thing! "Using violence to end violence!" It's The Green Lantern Corps Motto!

As plans go, this one was really fucking stupid because why would all the politicians come to his trial? Have they lost the ability to stream video live in the 30th Century?

Stories are supposed to be contrived. That's the only way stories can be made! But the secret is to disguise the contrived bits by making action and dialogue flow organically. When you have characters saying, "This ridiculous situation is happening because I planned it," you're not even trying to hide the magic of good storytelling! You're doing your magic tricks without any sleight of hand or magic smoke or boxes that have been checked by stupid audience members to prove they're not tricks. He might as well be naked on stage with a diagram of how the trick fools you into thinking it's magic.

The next ridiculous moment in a big skullpile of ridiculous moments in a story ravaged by starvation and disease is when Kid Flash wraps up Wonder Girl with her magic lasso and tells her, "I don't want to hurt any of you." No, that's why you ended last issue telling your men to kill them along with everybody else.

Scott Lobdell, can I pull you aside for a moment? Can I give you a bit of advice? I don't know where you heard that comic book readers can't remember anything that has happened in previous months but it's not true. And even if it were, you realize these stories will be collected in a Trade Paperback, right? So fans will be reading these stories in one sitting and they're just going to be confused by the way characters believe different things every twenty pages or so. Or how something that was happening previously no longer is happening. Or how Skitters just disappeared when you realized she was fucking useless on a super hero team. She might be interesting in her own title. But don't expect her to be ready to save anybody at the drop of a bank robbery. I imagine a lot of these inconsistencies are fixed up a bit in the Trades. Shit, that must be a lot of work to edit your stories and get them ready for a collection.

Here's Scott Lobdell continuing to write poorly.

What the hell is the "power of light" and how is it faster than Kid Flash? It's as if Lobdell combined the two tropes that always misrepresent how fast The Flash (and his copycats) really is: the speed of light and the power of thought. Perhaps Kid Flash isn't faster than the speed of light. Let's go with that. That still doesn't mean, if Solstice's powers are light based, that she can get the drop on him. To be able to do anything at the speeds which Kid Flash does them, his thought processes need to be faster than a normal person's. So it's not about how quick someone can process a thought (which isn't very fast actually but we'll ignore that for the sake of the "speed of thought" trope) but how quickly they can act and react. Solstice can't raise her hands faster than Kid Flash can bind them. Solstice can't say, "I'm sorry too, Bart" (not to mention the rest of that speech) before he would have her hogtied. Kid Flash's reaction time is so much quicker that he is faster than her "power of light." But if you're writing a super speedster and you need them to be beaten for a moment, you fall back on this bullshit. Because otherwise they can't be beat. You really need somebody else that moves at the same speed to compete with them.

How about we chalk up this defeat to Kid Flash subconsciously wanting to be stopped by Solstice? Does that work? Okay. Let's move on.

Since when did Red Robin start wearing a "T" on his shoulder? Does it stand for Tim?!

Red Robin is going to save lives by stopping all the killing and negotiating a peace treaty between both parties. At least that's his plan. Fuck any history between these groups or the fucked up culture and religious wars happening across generations. I'm sure if Tim points out that killing is bad, he'll get them to listen. They'll agree to share their resources and let everybody live by their own beliefs. Although Tim doesn't even know if one sides beliefs demand that they kill anybody that doesn't follow their beliefs! It could be a thing! Tim just doesn't know enough to be of any use in this situation. I hope he dies.

Brain 3 and Red Robin have a philosophical discussion about civilization and the rule of law as they kick the opposition in the teeth. There's your law, Red Robin. Might makes right. You're just proving it by kicking ass to get them to listen to you.

Meanwhile, Joke-el kidnaps Kid Flash and takes him into space. Instead of throwing him into the sun like he did with the others, he talks long enough for a monster ship to appear out of thin air. Bart gives us a little history on this ship: it was built with one purpose and that is annihilation. Why not omnidestruction? I would have gone with omnidestruction. Definitely. And piloting the ship is Bart's sister who is working with the Functionary to stop Kid Flash and his rebels.

For once, Superboy and I have the same thought: "You're welcome to try!"

Instead of destroying everyone, Shira tells Bart that mom and dad would not want him to do this. Bart weeps and wails and collapses in a heap and the war is over! Because mommy and daddy would be disappointed. Shira also points out that their parents were losers anyway and that's why they died. And Bart goes, "Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. I suppose if they had actually learned how to garden instead of praying for relief from God, we might have gotten something to eat once in a while." And Shira is all, "Totally. I guess we can call off the war now." And Kid Flash goes, "Hey! Hey guys! All you guys that are being oppressed every day and have finally gotten enough confidence to crawl out from under the boot heel of the Functionary! Stop fighting! We were wrong! Your religion is stupid! You should stop believing it and just do as The Functionary says!" And all the revolutionaries were like, "Yeah, yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Let's call off this war and head home to our empty pantries!" And then everybody cheered!

The next day, Bart once more goes back on trial and is sentenced to a life of hard labor. And Red Robin swallows his tongue and screams, "What?! Justice is working against what I want?! How can that be? It must be injustice! We must free Bart!"

Red Robin, you're a fucking dick. Apparently the better way to end this whole conflict was really just your way to end this whole conflict. Bart's a treasonous murderer but screw punishment! Red Robin says he should go free!

Bart stops his friends from making a fuss. Even though he was going to kill them if they tried to stop him, now he's telling them that if they love him, they'll stop fighting for him. It's a good thing he's been wearing his Kid Flash costume throughout this comic book or else I'd never know what character I was looking at whenever he spoke.

Solstice decides she can't live without Bart so she murders one of the judges so that she will be sent to the hard labor planet with him. Jesus! She doesn't even know if it's a co-ed prison planet! She's just going to wind up imprisoned somewhere else instead. No, no. Red Robin won't let that happen. He'll make sure everybody gets back to the present and they'll just forget about all the murders because how can you be convicted of murder when the person you have supposedly murdered hasn't even been born yet?

Teen Titans #28 Rating: Fuck this comic book.

Teen Titans #27

I'm tempted to pull out all my Teen Titans back issues to see how many of them show at least one member unconscious on the ground. My guess is 75% of them.

The Countdown Begins! Including this one, only 5 more Lobdell penned Teen Titans to go! Get the crackers and the party hats ready to go!

I almost made a "cracker" joke (as in white person) and then decided to say this instead: calling a white person cracker (or honky or any word for white person really since none of them hold any historical power) doesn't actually make any difference to that person. They may try to act offended because they also want some word out there to be as horrible as nigger, but the word doesn't actually carry any weight or meaning, so it's all false bluster and fake offense. Do you want to know a word that will truly fuck up a white person? You know, for those times you really need to piss one off because, well, I can't think of a specific scenario where you'd want to do that because there are just way too many to choose from. Anyway, the word you're looking for is "racist." Man, white people's heads just explode when they're called a racist. Especially if they are a racist because how dare you nail them to the wall without actual video evidence even though they know in their minds you've got them pegged. But now they have to present logical and angry and completely made up arguments against the accusation. That's usually a good time to get out the popcorn.

So, Scott Lobdell. Do you think we can play nice for your last few months on this title? How about you try not to ruin every single one of these characters before you leave. Don't go pulling any Sherman's March to the End of the Teen Titans Run bullshit here! I want to see everything left standing when you close the door behind you, you hear? Especially since all the Teen Titans have to be healthy and happy to receive Commodore 64's cash and sell out the Teen Titans Franchise at the end of this. I really wouldn't mind The Green Team becoming the New Teen Titans since they have so many historical DC artifacts (and Brother Power the Geek too!). Maybe Tim Drake and his crew can start a West Coast Franchise of the Teen Titans! I'm sure Commodore 64 will compensate them accordingly.

I hope Solstice's story ends in a Baby Sister Salad!

The Titans are still in the future and on the other side of the galaxy. They've all decided Kid Flash is an asshole. And now they have to figure out a plan to get home. Kid Flash will probably be found innocent but still a threat to this society, so ECHO will send them all back to the past with Kid Flash.

Solstice is telling her origin story to Tim Drake and it winds up being pretty fucking boring. She woke up floating in the air with super powers. Was it starving for three days that flipped her meta-gene on? Was she bitten by a radioactive piece of sulfur? Perhaps she rolled over in her sleep and wound up on top of The Orb of Ra? Maybe she dreamed herself into a super person! Oh wait! I'm missing the most obvious! She prayed for three days straight! Obviously, her prayers were answered. Solstice's powers are a gift from Dog!

Who added that "lost the plot" joke to this comic book?! Surely Lobdell isn't suddenly being honest about his story telling abilities. Is he?

Just before Tim Drake, the smartest kid in the DCnU, sees four ships arrive for Bart's Trial and declares, "It looks like every politician in the galaxy is here to attend this trial," Scott Lobdell uses this comic book to comment on his sexual harassment of fellow creator, MariNaomi, that came to light a few months ago. Perhaps he felt, like many others, his previous, personal apology wasn't very sincere. But putting it in a comic book and having Solstice speak it would.

It looks like Scott's main point is that we should give him a chance and a fair trial!

I have noticed that Lobdell has tentatively returned to Twitter after zero non-retweet tweets for about a month. One tweet was a plea for everybody to rush out and buy his sister's book, "My Brother Is Actually A Really Nice Guy and You Should Stop Being Mean Just Because He's Not Very Good at His Job and He Sometimes Says Stupid Things!" Alternate title is "The Toddler's Room."

Meanwhile, Wonder Girl is judging Kid Flash for being a revolutionary and killing the oppressive government's soldiers that were sent to kill him and his fellow revolutionaries. I'm not really a fan of Kid Flash but I have no sympathy for his teammates that suddenly feel compelled to judge him simply because he was a soldier in a war they have no context for and he killed people during it. They really have no right to judge. Although I feel as if I have a right to judge when Kid Flash says "chose" when he should have said "choose." Also, I like to believe that was Lobdell's error in his script and the Letterer just didn't bother to correct it. Also, the editors didn't bother either.

And then finally, after many, many months of declaring "Next Month: The Trial of Kid Flash!", The Trial of Kid Flash actually begins! Has the lost plot been found?! Please. Don't get crazy, optimistic side!

More of Lobdell venting. I guess Lobdell believes this is his trial. And he gets to write how innocent he is!

Oh! What is their one law that they've reduced all justice down to? "Don't be a dick"? "Follow the Functionary's orders or else"? "Keep on keepin' on"? "Be excellent to each other"? "Party on, Dudes"? Fuck! Even Bill and Ted's Excellent Future had two laws!

Tim Drake notices that the trial seems hardly fair when a bunch of disembodied lips say, "Let the trial begin." Yeah! It would be fairer to Kid Flash if the trial never began! Actually, the part Tim found unfair was the part where they announced that the case was Bar Torr vs. The State. Total fucking bias in announcing the defendant and plaintiff! The crowd screams hatred at Kid Flash which causes Joke-el to wonder why the fuck he's been backing normal humans all this time. Monsters! Animals! Emotional Sacks of Disgusting Fluids.

But I thought there was only one law! It must be a really fucking long run-on sentence.

Anyway, Kid Flash pleads guilty because fuck The Functionary. His plea of guilty is so surprising that it blows the roof off of the building. And the war begins anew. Somehow. I don't know. Whatever. Bart will explain it to all of us stupid Titans.

The gist of it all is that everything was planned. Just like everything is always planned in a Scott Lobdell book. Kid Flash manipulated everything to get them to this point. I suppose the hardest part was getting The Crime Syndicate to invade Earth so that Johnny Quick could send Bart back to the future. Maybe that was just an accident and they were all supposed to head back to the future back in that issue where the Titans saved Kid Flash from being sucked in that chronal portal. I bet Kid Flash was super pissed about that! He must have just gotten lucky that Johnny Quick appeared with an alternate method of time travel.

Kid Flash's rebels appear in the courtroom to kill all of those politicians from all across the galaxy that had nothing better to do than travel to this trial so they could be slaughtered in the first battle of a new revolt. But the Titans will not allow these revolutionaries to choose their own path because it will mean killing people. Although if they don't revolt, they're all going to die at the hands of the Functionary's justice system. But I guess The Teen Titans have to allow those deaths because it's part of the system and it's legal.

You know, I've disliked Lobdell's Teen Titans for a long time. But I think I actually hate them now.

Since the Titans oppose Kid Flash, he orders his fighters to kill them as well. So this book ends like most issues of Teen Titans ends with the Titans fighting amongst themselves.

Teen Titans #27 Rating: No change. It's already the worst book of The New 52 and this issue didn't help. You know what the very worst part of this comic book was? It was fucking Joke-el's thought bubbles as he judged everybody and everything as he observed it. How fucking annoying is that? To have to constantly hear somebody's judgmental fucking critiques throughout the story?!

What a dick.

Teen Titans #26

I think I've bashed Scott Lobdell as much as any single person can. I'm out of ways to hate his writing. Can we get a writer change on this series already?

Last issue, the Trial of Kid Flash still had yet to happen. I think it might have begun to happen. Possibly. I'm not sure. Trials in the future probably don't resemble trials today because they've probably improved them so that they actually bring about justice as opposed to just being a circus where money rules the day and you're judged by equally moronic members of your community who have been processed by an educational system that puts a premium on teaching kids to obey authority over teaching kids how to think logically. So even though everybody constantly shouts "innocent until proven guilty," you realize what you really get is a bunch of chowder-headed jury members that are thinking, "Why would the police have arrested this person if they are innocent?"

So hopefully future courtrooms have actual fair trials as opposed to our current system of "fair" trials where fair is based on how much money you have to spend on an attorney that doesn't give a shit about actual justice and instead acts like a Munchkin at a roleplaying table manipulating the rules to get whatever he wants.

This issue begins with Kid Flash's memories of how his descent into criminality began. His parents were missionaries that believed in the truth but the stupid authority figures that have no time for God and only love lies decided to kill the stupid believers because of their belief in believing. Kid Flash watched his father get his head bashed in because he couldn't not believe.

The real problem is that those beliefs are often worth killing for.

I bet Scott Lobdell took great pride in his alternate wording of The Lord's Prayer. But I'm just confused as to why Kid Flash came not just from the future but from some other planet in some other solar system and possibly in some other galaxy. But I guess Jesus made sure to visit the believers of that world as well. Fuck you, Earth! You aren't that special! Jesus loves aliens too! As long as they, you know, accept him as their Lord and Savior.

The Purifiers kill Kid Flash's mom as well but that's not the worst part. The worst part was how disrespectful they were of their religion. How dare they!

I don't think Scott Lobdell has the best handle on allegorical writing.

Kid Flash escapes from the vile non-believers with his kid sister, Shira. I thought Shira was his love interest earlier! I suppose she could still be. Just when they're older. It would be weird if they began dating now with him being eight and she being less than one. That age difference would just make things awkward.

The Teen Titans are watching this replay of Kid Flash's history via 30th Century Mind Spying Technology by Microsoft. I bet Kid Flash and his sister will think up a symbol to wear, something like, say, a shark or a whale which will identify them to other believers but won't reveal their belief to the Functionary's Purifiers! And eventually enough believers will believe so much belief that they'll help bring down The Functionary's civilization! Also, the Functionary's need for straight roads and for branching out across the entire universe and pissing off lots of foreign people who are able to follow those straight roads back to the seat of power probably help the believers and their rebellion a little bit.

Kid Flash became a murderer to protect his sister but even worse, he became an Absconder!

"Gotta stay! One step! Ahead of the atheist! One jump! Ahead of the lies! I steal only what God won't provide. That's everything!"

Eventually Kid Flash realizes he can't take care of his sister like this so he gives her to a nunnery, The Sisterhood of the Word. I bet that word is cunt! No, wait! It's probably a Holy Text! Yeah, that makes more sense.

The Teen Titans watching this memory on the Brainscreen by Microsoft are finally driven to gasp in horror at the thought of Kid Flash knowingly giving his sister a better life. But he loved her so much and she loved him and he still gave her away! Can you ever imagine not giving in to your own selfish needs for the betterment of somebody else? It's absolutely horrifying! The worst memory yet!

No, no. That's called idolatry! You don't believe in faith! You believe in God! You have faith in God! Stop putting faith before God, dodo-head!

See why people love willfully misunderstanding stuff? Then you get to argue against them knowing full well what they actually meant! But you can make them seem like idiots while you're really just making an idiot of yourself. Although it's far too satisfying to put somebody in their place over something they never meant than to care about how fucking dumb you're going to look afterward. Seriously! It must be or else why else do people continue to comment all over the internet?

Kid Flash began hitchhiking all across the galaxy until he finally realized what he needed to do! He was "to young [sic]" to get revenge on the monsters that killed his parents. So he decided to infiltrate their organization by enlisting with them! He'll bring down the entire organization from within! Maybe he can even get close enough to The Functionary and teach him the glory of Jesus and what he did for everybody! What did he do for everybody? I thought his entire plan was to expose the hypocrisy of the Pharisees so that the people would boot them from power and get Rome off their backs so that Israel could be free to rule itself. No? That wasn't his actual plan? It actually had something to do with living forever as a ghost? Weird. I'd better reread my Bible!

Kid Flash became the Han Solo of the Purifiers, smuggling cargo across the universe while absorbing massive amounts of interstellar radiation due to the limited shielding on the cargo ships. Eventually he crashed but that was when he discovered his super speed powers. And that's Kid Flash's secret origin! Everybody can go back to the past and continue with what they were doing. Right?

Oh wait! I forgot about his trial. I guess he still needs to remember the horrible things he did to make The Functionary send him back in time. Kid Flash builds an army of believers and they use a lightning bolt as their symbol because it's easy to draw. Then they began attacking the government with belief! But then belief turned to tragedy!

Wait. Was the Word that the Sisterhood of the Word followed actually the Word of base, material beliefs? The Word of the Functionary? I don't think so because Kid Flash heard the "testimony" of his neighbors back when his parents were killed when speech bubbles were saying "sharing the word" and "the word forevermore." But then some speech bubbles also said "pure" and "renounce" which make me think the Purifiers were yelling them! I'm confused!

So The Word is either what the believers believe or what the Functionary says people must believe. One of those! Maybe that's why the Teen Titans were so shocked when Kid Flash gave his sister to the Sisterhood of the Word? Because that was the enemy? But how would they fucking know since they knew as much as I did and it was all very confusing! Maybe I shouldn't care so much! It's only the stupid Teen Titans written poorly by poo-poo face Scott Lobdell.

Look! Now he's got me resorting to infantile insults! Jerko!

It turns out Kid Flash only "almost killed" Shira. But it was enough for him to give up the rebellion because better that he not accidentally nearly kill his sister a second time than free hundreds of thousands of people from a despot! No wonder the Rebellion decided he was a traitor!

After hearing Kid Flash's testimony, the other Teen Titans realize he's a pathetic worm and a huge dick for betraying a freedom movement for one insignificant person. Sure, he gave up everything to keep her safe so why wouldn't he give up everything again to keep her safe again! Oh, because maybe with his super special speed powers, he could have brought her over to the rebellion? Maybe? No? Too complicated? Anyway, the Teen Titans look like they're about to turn on him because that's what friends do in Scott Lobdell comic books. They turn on each other at the end of every issue to force some kind of dramatic tension that will be forgotten when the next issue begins next month.

Look! Even Joke-el is concerned with this turn of events!

Teen Titans #26 Rating: Like anybody needs this rating synopsis to find out what I fucking think about Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans? Look, it's the worst comic book ever even if this issue wasn't as bad as Lobdell's usual shit mainly because was concentrating on a completely new history concerning just one Titan. So, you know, he had less subject matter to completely fuck up. I think I mentioned about a year ago that I stopped trying to be unbiased when it came to Scott Lobdell's crap. He needs to write a number of good issues in a row before the taint of his garbage pen is removed from my brain.

Teen Titans #25

Wait wait! Let me guess! He spilled a Junior Chemist Chemistry Set on himself just as he received a static shock while kissing his cousin.

Even my commentaries couldn't help me remember where Kid Flash and Solstice were before they suddenly found themselves in front of a bunch of armed soldiers at the beginning of this issue. Turns out that they were last seen with the other Titans as Raven got her hooks into their claws. But I guess Raven fucked up after that because the other Titans wound up in 2033 getting a glimpse of Scott Lobdell's New X-Teen Titan-Men. Which means Kid Flash and Solstice must have flip-flopped into his future trial that the Next Month Blurb has been promising for months now. I was going to say years but that kind of hyperbole just weakens your position and makes it seem like the truth isn't strong enough to stand on its own. And I wouldn't want anybody to think I'm exaggerating when I say that Scott Lobdell makes a lot of money writing really terrible comic books.

I bet Scott Lobdell is a really fun guy. Boy, if I ever got the chance to hang out with him, my entire blogging career would be ruined since it's solely based on bashing Lobdell. I should probably come up with a second gimmick! Maybe I should start cyber-stalking Scott Snyder.

The armed people are rebels that Kid Flash (Bar Tor) once led. But he seemingly betrayed them, was placed in the Witness Protection Program where they wipe your memory and shoot you off into the past to have sex with one of your own great grandparents. While he was gone, he left a man named Rain in charge. This guy believes Bart is a traitor but Bart believes Rain is a traitor and his men are ingrates. So they probably should all sit down and sort this crap out.

I just ate a whole bag of Sour Patch Kids Extreme and now my stomach hurts.

Across the planet (which planet? I don't fucking know! I don't even know what year it is! Or why Johnny Quick was able to send them through space as well as time! Somebody should get him working with NASA!), the rest of the Teen Titans show up so they can be in the back of the courtroom when Kid Flash is pronounced guilty and begin yelling "NO!" and rending their garments and pulling out their hair.

No, it was revealed in Teen Titans Annual #2 that Kon didn't make it because this is Jon! Oh wait. I see what you meant. "Didn't make it" as in "got fucking dead and shit." Way to spoil Superman #25, you asshats.

Okay, I admit it. That bit about Superboy had already been spoiled for me. By Scott Lobdell himself! I get it, Mr. Lobdell. You want to make sure you sell as many The Death of Superboy issues as possible for that fat royalty check, so you blab it all over the internet to make sure everyone reserves a copy. You don't want to lose out on the extra bread (Bread, by the way, is rhyming slang! Bread and Honey = Money!) that Grant Morrison lost surprising all the comic book stores with Robin's demise! Of course, they all ordered more copies anyway once everybody rushed in to get yet another dead sidekick book for their collections.

I think this is a good time for the obligatory comment about how fucking stupid Raven's costume is.

Then Tim Drake begins playing Wheel of Fortune with his sentences.

It's a Before and After Puzzle! Even throwing in an extra period doesn't make this shit work. "No one wants to get back more than me but that's not going to happen. If we push her too far, Cassie, we're never going to get back to Earth." Or: "No one wants to get back more than me but that's not going to happen if we push her too far, Cassie. We're never going to get back to Earth." Red Robin, your mind got rattled during your time flip-flopping.

Raven's mind is addled too.

Would it? Why does being on Earth matter? Your father isn't bound to it.

The Titans notice Solstice's energy signature on the horizon and rush off to help. While the reader was distracted by the other Teen Titans, Kid Flash cleared his throat of the Air Epoxy that was slowly choking him. He did it by "compensating." That's all the explanation you fucking need, assholes. You expect Scott Lobdell to hold your hand while you read his book?

Some military people show up to take Kid Flash into custody for mysterious reasons that everybody keeps sort of mentioning to build the tension until we can find out what Kid Flash did that has made the rebels and the rulers hate him so much! One of the soldiers wants to kill him but the lead soldier has orders to bring him in alive so she kills the soldier instead. Really? That seems pretty fucking appropriate. That's why it's important to follow orders, kids! Don't join the military if you think you're going to act upon your own conscious!

Kid Flash is strapped to a Holoprog machine which lets everybody see his memories. I don't know why these soldiers sent him back in time if they now need to see his memories. I'm sure it all makes sense if you actually care about this comic book. So anyway, we get to see one memory of Kid Flash in a green outfit with blood all over him kneeling atop a pile of skulls. Off somewhere else in the complex, Jon-el is choking the shit out of Wonder Girl. And then the Trial of Kid Flash doesn't begin because it's going to begin next month. Yeah, I bet.

Teen Titans #25 Rating: No change. Does anybody actually care about Kid Flash's origin story anymore? Each month, I suppose Scott Lobdell figured, "I'll think up something good before this month is over!" And then Tyler Kirkham starts bugging him for pages while Lobdell still hasn't thought up a good Trial of Kid Flash story, so Lobdell vamps and starts sending Kirkham yet another script that has nothing to do with Kid Flash. This is why writers need to plan stories instead of waiting for the stories to surprise the writers, Mr. Lobdell. Get your fucking act together and stop writing scripts in the same way that everybody writes college term papers: at the last fucking second.

Teen Titans #24

Let's get this out of the way immediately: Raven's new costume is ass.

Last issue, the Teen Titans were supposed to be sucked into the future so that some assholes in the future could get revenge on Kid Flash even though he's long dead in their eyes. Fuck that. Death in the past is too good for him! What really confuses me is that they don't kidnap him from the moment he arrives in the past. Why let him have any length of freedom at all if they're so set on bringing him back to the future to pay? I suppose they couldn't get a bead on him until Vibe made out with him over in Justice League of America. Man, I fucking hate time travel stories.

That's not true! I love time travel stories! But only when they're done with intelligence and forethought! I hate them when they're just used by a writer as an excuse to write whatever the fuck they want. Boo, Scott Lobdell! You're the worst!

Anyway, The Teen Titans did not get sucked into the future because they still needed to make a cameo in Forever Evil. But don't worry! At the end of their Forever Evil cameo, they were shot into the future by Johnny Quick. Good job, DC editorial. That was elegantly handled.

I mean the opposite of elegantly! Whatever word that is!

This issue begins differently than most Scott Lobdell comic books. But not too differently. He still has to open with a Narration Box about the main character's name.

Why didn't they just use the Spanish? We all know it's "¿Está Cabra de Dios?"

So Lobdell begins with the Narration "Then." That means before now. Obviously, now is fluid being that the Teen Titans have gone to the future which is why he mentions "then" is a relative term. But why does he begin with "even"? Am I missing a page where relative terms were being discussed? Is he trying to confuse me? Is he trying to piss me off immediately?! What the fuck does Scott Lobdell want from me? He's already taken more than he'll ever know! Why doesn't he just stop?

Miguel is wasting time in a church talking to himself when Red Robin suddenly appears from out of the time stream! Red Robin tells Bunker how to meet up with Red Robin in Teen Titans #3. And then Red Robin tells Bunker that Bunker must never tell Red Robin about this encounter or else it will fuck up the time stream which Scott Lobdell doesn't give a fucking shit about anyway so fuck everyone. Because this moment is so crazy and fucked up and makes no sense to Bunker, he takes it as a sign from God. That's the spirit! Why the fuck would God send you a message you can understand? Mysterious ways, bitches!

I hate when dialogue is placed within foreign language brackets and then the foreign language is explicitly used within those brackets. Bad form, sir. Bad form!

So this issue is going to be the Teen Titans bouncing through time "touchstoning" all over Scott Lobdell's shitty plot points he loves to scatter throughout his crappy writing. I wonder if he's going to have them deal with The 13 from Red Hood and the Outlaws! Oh, don't tell me you forgot about that plot point just like Lobdell did?

The next place Red Robin arrives is in Egypt where the (oh fuck me no) SUNTURIANS are back (relative term!) to try to conquer Earth again. But Red Robin knows, for some reason, that Wonder Girl and Superboy are going to be appearing any second now to help him stop the SUNTURIANS from taking over Earth.

He knows this because fuck you.

I'm sure when I turn the page, Timmy will explain how he knows this. Probably because he met himself in the time stream and his other self told him what to do because he was a future version of himself that had already been through this moment and had already talked to himself (relative term!). This encounter with the SUNTURIANS is probably Lobell's way to explain why their ship back in Superman looked like an ancient Roman city. Of course, they still call themselves SUNTURIANS so that doesn't explain shit, Lobdell! Perhaps that's why they came to Earth! Because they picked up some Drama Signals in space from a play that mentioned Roman Centurions and they thought maybe they were a long lost battalion of their space brothers! Oh wait! I bet Scott Lobdell's reasoning is that the Romans took the name "centurion" from their encounters with these guys! They even stole their shields and their pole-arms and their helmets. I don't know why they didn't steal their tanks though. Maybe because Wonder Girl and Superboy destroyed them!

Then there's some bullshit about them floating in the time stream not remembering the things they always remember never. And then Kid Flash and Solstice are spit out in the future. I hope this is interesting! Although I fear it's just another random moment for Scott Lobdell to vomit a stupid idea into the DC Universe in the hopes that a decent writer will come along and make it interesting. Someday.

The ship belongs to somebody called The Functionary because that's an exciting name. Kid Flash recognizes it as a ship he was on before! In the borrowing time! Or the beginning years. Or the what came before times! And since he was here before, he knows he needs to speak to himself before he does the thing he does that causes Kid Flash to become the Bart he'll become yesterday. Or something.

Give it up, Kid Flash! You can't change the future!

After Bart Allen fails to stop Bar Tor from blowing up a ship full of soldiers, Raven winds up in the past battling Etrigan. Poor, poor Etrigan. Who gave Scott Lobdell license to write the rhyming demon?! Get Etrigan the fuck out of this published toilet paper! I will never forgive you, DC, for making me read horribly rhymed words by Lobdell! Also for allowing Wonder Girl to snap Etrigan's neck even though she did sneak up on him from the future and he was busy trying to kill Raven. How dare you make him look weak, DC! I hate you I hate you I hate you!

Anyway, Wonder Girl tells Raven she has to collect their souls to save them from looping continually (or continuously! Whichever you prefer!) through time. So Raven collects her specimens and messages Doctor Oak Trigon to inform him that her task is over! She caught them all!

Teen Titans #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. Apparently we're never going to get to the Trial of Kid Flash no matter how many times it is promised in the Next Month blurb. Also, fuck you, Scott Lobdell, with your stupid ass Sunturians punning up the universe! This comic book is bad enough without you dragging in the horrible crap you've created in that other book you're ruining, Superman! Also, if you want me to start saying nice things about your writing, you have two options. The first is to write better. The second is to bribe me. Drop me an email and I'll get you my Paypal information, okay? Let's do this!

Teen Titans #23

Kid Flash is kidnapped by the Anal Worm Men of Sirius B.

I'm desperately afraid that my shitty caption about the cover is going to prove to be more entertaining than the actual story.

Wait a second. Did I not open the cover to the first page?

What are the odds of Scott Lobdell Lobdelling Teen Titans #23? As you can see from the above scan and from history, 100*%. I just invented that notation. The asterisk represents the word "fucking." As in "One Hundred Fucking Percent." Now that I've explained it, I don't want y'all acting confused every time I use it in the future. And you should all begin using it as well until it becomes common usage by every astrophysicist in the world.

I suppose, if I were the type to cut a writer some slack (I'm not), I could say that this was Scott Lobdell playing with his usual, boring comic book opening pages. He knows that everybody excepts to open up the comic book and have the first caption read, "His name is Kid Flash." And then a short bio and a few boxes to catch everybody up on where the action left off. But since I hate these full page opens to Lobdell's stories and I hate how he begins them all with the "my name" bit and I hate narration boxes and I hate Scott Lobdell and I hate Scott Lobdell's pets and I hate Scott Lobdell's grandmother's cookies and I hate the way Scott Lobdell has been writing Kid Flash, I can't give him any benefit of the doubt that might make this page interesting. If another writer had done it, it would be funny. I could consider it parody or satire. But with Scott Lobdell, I just consider it sad.

Luckily for Kid Flash, Cassie Sandsmark somehow makes it from above deck, spinning around as she ran down the stairs to change into her Wonder Girl outfit (that's how she does it, right?), shoved her way past Solstice who was just standing around stinking up the hallway, picked the lock on Bart's door (which I'm positive he locked to keep that heart-breaking slattern Solstice from bothering him), and was able to lasso Bart's wrist just before he was pulled through the analomaly.

Unluckily for Kid Flash and Wonder Girl, the boat falls apart around them and she's dragged across the splitting floor and pulled in with him.

Luckyluckilily, Bunker is there to save them this time!

Unluckyluckilily, Bunker relies on bracing himself using the crumbling yacht as well! The door frame he's hanging on to breaks and they begin plummeting, once again, into the future!

But wait! If that's as long as you thought the human chain was going to get, you're sorely mistaken, my friends! Next in line is...oh wait.

I guess you were technically correct if you thought that was the end of the "human" chain.

I often say that I really try hard not to let my bias cloud my commentaries. I've also said that that ship sailed a long time ago concerning Scott Lobdell's work. But that panel I just scanned? I really liked it! I like that banter and now realize that a regularly well-written Teen Titans team would be a lot of fun if Beast Boy and Bunker became Besties. And even though the Narration Boxes have been a bit flippant and tongue-in-cheek, I think these express the moments of Beast Boy's short and violent time with the Teen Titans well. He really hasn't had a chance to deal with seeing the other Ravagers stabbed by Deathstroke and seemingly killed (they were merely captured for use in battles at Harvest's Gym later). Do more of this and less whatever you normally do, Mr. Lobdell! See? I can even be respectful when you perform adequately!

Solstice and Superboy show up next to help keep Kid Flash from disappearing into the future. I hope Red Robin shows up last and says, "Grab my hand! I'll save you!" And everybody will pout and stomp their feet and glare down at him and say, "No." Then they'll all willingly head into the Analomaly instead of having to hang out with that douchebag Tim Drake.

Who, I might add, was being controlled by Trigon while he was being a douchebag so these brats had better get it together and forgive him already!

Red Robin does show up last and has a strategy! He tells Superboy to use his telekinesis to disrupt the portal because that will do something that will help!

Dude! Drop it! Let it go! Sheesh, you weren't even hurt by it! Superboy just likes causing trouble.

Red Robin's plan works and Kid Flash is saved! Umm. Yay? I thought this month was supposed to be Flash dealing with his future? I should know better than to speculate on future events of Teen Titans based on how one issue ends. I'm not even sure Scott Lobdell rereads or remembers anything he writes. But that's okay! At least the team seems to be getting along which is all I fucking wanted at the end of last issue. All that sudden drama was bullshit.

Meanwhile in the 30th Century:

I don't know who these jokers are but hold a grudge much? You're in the 30th Century. Bar Tor went to the 21st. He's long fucking dead by now! Get over it.

Everybody is happy that Bart didn't die. Except Raven keeps adding snide remarks to the conversation which seem to be trying to get members of the Titans to doubt other members of the Titans. She'd better rein it in a little, the stupid mole! She's going to blow her cover on her first night as an infiltrator! Also, her costume is horrible. I just thought that should be mentioned every fucking time I have to look at it. Just awful.

Afterward, Beast Boy and Bunker hang out because they're going to become best friends and have long, deep, funny discussions about the existence or non-existence of God. But before they can learn they're best friends, Bunker has to head back to Mexico because his boyfriend has finally come out of his coma. I'm sure he's in his coma because Bunker crushed him with his psychic bricks on accident.

Just offshore, Cassie is thinking about her father who she might now never get to know since he's been shattered into a bajillion pieces by the First Born over in Wonder Woman. But that's okay because she's feeling all vulnerable and full of Daddy Issues which enables Superboy to swoop in and act charming and innocent. It's easy to act charming and innocent when you're only about eight months old! And I guess Superboy's super hot and sexy "personality" has finally tipped the scales against Cassie's hatred for him trying to kill her because they finally decide to see who has the stronger gag reflex.

I wonder if Timothy kept his mask on when Cassie fucked him?

Inside Teen Titans Control, Red Robin explains all the strengths and weaknesses of his team. He says of Solstice: "Everything about Solstice and her past indicates she should have given up on herself--on life--long before we met her." What a dick! "Hey, Solstice! I'm fucking surprised you didn't just eat a bullet already! Man, you're a loser! Total victim, again and again! Are you too stupid to realize how pathetic your life is?!"

That might have made me look like a bigger dick than Red Robin!

Tim Drake is supposed to be a pretty smart cookie, so I think he knows that Raven is still under Trigon's influence. He's completely up her ass about how strong and good and wonderful she is. How she has so much strength to stand up to her father. He sounds like he's trying to convince her to truly rebel and join the team. It's why he told her what dire straights all the other members were in before joining. He wants her to realize she's one of them, if she'll only let go of her past. And he's really very subtle about it!

Here's Scott Lobdell telling everybody to stop fucking asking him what it stands for because he can't fucking think of anything good. No wonder! The acronym has three more letters than H.I.V.E. and he came up with a complete shit acronym for that!

How about Nasty Ogres Who Hurt Every Runaway Ever?

And finally in the Titans working through their relationship panels, Kid Flash decides he loves the taste of Burnt Cinder Lip Gloss.

Boom! Super quick jizz in the pants!

The issue ends with Bunker and Beast Boy leaving the Titans to go on a super buddy road trip across the United States so Bunker can be at the side of his man, Gabriel. I hope Gabriel ends up being Bunker's evil son from the future that's also his father from his past and now his lover! That's what Cable was to Cyclops, right?

Teen Titans #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. There were some actual glimpses of a good team here! I hope Bunker and Beast Boy get their own comic book and it's written by somebody else! Anybody else! No, not Ann Nocenti! Anybody anybody else!