The Flash #22

When The New 52 began, I, Vampire had some of the best covers. Now I think The Flash covers are some of the best.

I might be too distracted to comment on comic books until I reread Batman Incorporated because a good percentage of my mind seems to be working on the case for Talia as one of the more fleshed out villains so far in The New 52. She does come across as a psycho ex throwing her lover's shit out in the yard but I think there's a lot more complexity of motive than that running through the series. At the very least, she really isn't any more fleshed out than a lot of the villains so far in The New 52. And this is where I can tie these vague Batman Incorporated thoughts back to this comic book. I think The Flash is one of the top ten comics of The New 52 when it comes to villains and motives. I may not have liked Mob Rule but he was fleshed out nicely and wasn't just a villain that wanted to prove himself against The Flash. Gorilla Grodd had a good reason for attacking Centralstone City that was threaded nicely into the then currently running storyline. Reverse Flash's motives are tied directly into the past stories in that he's stealing the Speed Force Powers from the civilians that visited the Speed Force with The Flash. And his identity is probably that of Doctor Darwin Elias. But best of all, The Flash stories are evolving organically from one to the next like a well written drama opposed to something episodic like an eighties sitcom.

Currently The Flash has taken on the mantle of The Scarlet Speedster Detective. He's searching for clues as to the identity of the person killing his Speed Force Pals. He should have allowed them to become members of a team called The Speed Force Pals instead of lecturing them on the dangers and irresponsibility of using their super powers for good. Then maybe he would have been around to save them when they most needed his help. But now that only he and Iris West are left, I have a feeling he's going to be sticking pretty close to her. Patty might have a problem with that but she knew one of the dangers of dating a super hero was constantly hearing the excuse, "I was only saving her!"

This issue may have the most clever title page of all of Manapul and Buccellato's clever title pages. Except now these buildings are canon! Skylines of Keystone City had better look like this every time! I do have to wonder why they put "the" in quotation marks though!

Meanwhile Doctor Elias is puttering around in his lab in his robe and slippers planning the super evolution of the human race brought about by the destruction of The Flash. His plan is probably more complex than that but he's a super genius and I'm just a guy in his underwear reading comic books, so I have to boil this shit down to crazy easy levels of understanding. "Elias take Speed Force from Flash. Use Speed Force save world."

This skyline spells out "Fill It BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

The Flash visits with Iris West and asks her to wear an outfit he designed for her. Right from the beginning, he might be edging out of territory where "I was only saving her!" will be an acceptable answer to Patty's questions. He then takes her on a trip to the Utah Salt Flats. If his next step is to make her a mix tape, Patty's going to walk straight out the door.

I'm not trying to suggest that a trip to Utah is romantic! But at least it's a trip. The last time I drove through Salt Lake City, I saw a billboard with a fireman and a construction worker and a cop and an astronaut on it. The copy said, "Real men don't use porn." It's odd that they would think that message fit with typical male stripper costumes. Except maybe the astronaut. That act might be a bit too long.

Audience: "Wooo hooo!"
Obese DJ: "Take your hands out of your laps and put them together for a man who often goes where no man has gone before, for a man whose five year journey has taken him to planets full of alien pudenda, to a man who won't quit until you've reached your final frontier, for the man who puts the "rocket" in "your vagina"...Spaaaaaaaacemaaaaaaaan Stiff!"
Audience: "Wooooooooo!"
Spaceman Stiff: *STOMP STOMP STOMP* *BREATHING HEAVY* *STOMP STOMP STOMP* *SEEMS TO BE GYRATING OR SHAKING OR SHIVERING OR SOMETHING* *STRUGGLES WITH HIS HELMET*
Audience: "Take it off! Take it all off!"
Spaceman Stiff: *POPS A LATCH ON SIDE OF HELMET* *STRUGGLES WITH OTHER LATCH* *TRIES TO SHAKE OFF HEAVY GLOVES* *BREATHING HEAVY* *STRUGGLES WITH HELMET SOME MORE*
Audience: "Come on! Take it off! Take fucking something off!"
Spaceman Stiff: *BENDS DOWN TO REMOVE A BOOT* *FALLS OVER* *HEAVY BREATHING* *PASSES OUT*
Audience: "Oh for fuck's sake! Bring out the Native American!"

Out on the Salt Flats, The Flash finds a piece of an exploded monorail. The only important monorail in The New 52 is the one that The Rogues tried to steal about ten issues ago. You remember? When Doctor Elias was claiming he had invented a new energy source that could run the monorail for years and years? The one where the cast of Lost were, for some unknown reason, hanging out in the audience? Yeah! That monorail! That one is probably this one that The Flash just found exploded! The Flash thinks so as well and he takes it his girlfriend to have her examine it since she's with CSI: Salt Flats.

Oh fuck. He's in trouble already. I don't blame Patty for being somewhat uncomfortable. Look at that ass on Iris!

Patty drops some acid, turns on some Led Zeppelin and puts the scrap metal under a black light only to discover it is covered in semen. She tells The Flash, "Far out!" And he says, "Groovy." Then Iris says, "Cock a doodle doo." The walls begin to melt and everybody's speech begins to sound distorted. Then The Flash starts giggling uncontrollably and Iris says, "Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!"

What really happens is Patty begins using technical jargon like "analysis" and "Bunsen burner" and "DNA" which causes me to zone out and begin fantasizing. And then I decided to type what really happened even though I don't usually do that. Which has to make you think, all y'all who read these commentaries to simply find out what is happening in each comic every month, what else have I been lying about? Do you really know what took place in Batman #14? I know for sure that if you only read my commentary on Blackhawks #8, you'll be sore disappointed to find out it was nothing like what I wrote. I know! Shocking!

And then The Flash takes his newly found semen information to go compare it to Doctor Elias's semen. Because it's either his or some random homeless person that was hanging out on the monorail when it was stolen by The Rogues.

Patty doesn't have time for your speed puns, you fucking whore.

Meanwhile Doctor Elias is still in his lab. He's internally monologuing some really nutty and typical super villain things. He should really be putting this stuff on Twitter instead of wasting it in his own headspace.

Reverse Flash @doceli: "If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing."
Reverse Flash @doceli: "Get it? Because I literally can turn back time! And I'm not changing it!"
Reverse Flash @doceli: "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

And then Doctor Elias gets his face smashed into his computer banks by himself. I mean, by Reverse Flash. Which probably means that he is not The Reverse Flash. But if you've been reading all of my entries about Tim Drake being Harvest, then you know I'm not quite ready to give up on my theory!

Not quite solid enough proof yet!

The Flash turns up just in time to keep Reverse Flash from reverse killing Doctor Elias. Wait. Is that right? I'm confused. All I'm sure about is that Reverse Flash reversing time is a lot like Time Travel which was supposed to be impossible after Flashpoint but which became a rule that nobody really gave a shit about, especially Tott Dedell (for newbies, that's Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco. I'm pretty certain they're the same person). The Flash had better put a stop to Reverse Flash quickly or else The New 52 is going to get New 52'd.

The Flash and Reverse Flash begin a vigorous bout of fisticuffs because what else are you going to do when two guys with speed powers fight? It's just going to be like two drunk douchebags outside of a bar! Except Reverse Flash does seem to have some kind of Porcupine Power where he shoots off quills from his body which puts him at a distinct advantage.

I'm pretty sure you could replace Barry Allen with a sexy lamp and this comic would still make sense.

The Flash #22 Rating: No change. Sorry, The Flash, but I'm instituting some changes to my rating system during your commentary! I really liked this issue but I've been going too easy on comics lately! From now on, a comic book has to do something that I think is extraordinary to receive a +1 Ranking! Mostly because I don't actually give much of a fuck about the reviewing part of the commentary. This shit isn't about my reviews! It's about my reactions as I read the comic books! It's also about glimpses into my super secret sexy lifestyle. By not raising ranks as often, I also have less to update on the home page! Woo hoo! By all accounts though, this is one of my favorite comics of The New 52 and I can easily recommend it more highly. I'm just being lazy so I'm only recommending it about this much. Just imagine my hands apart at whatever length you think is less than they should be.

The Flash #21

Welcome to a good comic book, Kid Flash! I hope you have a good time!

Last issue, The Flash was putting every bit of his police mind to work to figure out who was killing his Speed Zone Infected friends. He profiled Gomez as acting suspicious because, you know, he's black. Then he realized the killer had a Flash-type symbol on his chest and he profiled Kid Flash as the problem because, you know, juvenile delinquent. He's obviously read the Police Officer's Guide to Catching Criminals.

Police Officer's Guide to Catching Criminals
Chapter One: Catching the Culprit

Pick out the darkest and the youngest suspect. You've got your culprit! Congratulations on a job well done! Before you go in to arrest the suspect, have your finger on that trigger and if he's holding anything in his hands, shoot to kill! You wouldn't want careful police work to get in the way of advancing to Chapter Two! You've now earned a promotion! Enjoy accepting graft and bribes from white "legitimate businessmen"! Next chapter: Collecting Your Pension!

Some might say I'm painting all police officers with a wide brush. To that I'd say, fuck yes I am. If corruption and laziness and fear rule a large percentage of people in a job, I'm not going to refuse to mention these things simply because there are exceptions to the rule. I'd rather hurt the feelings of the good police officers by including them in my rage and anger for the lazy, fearful, power abusing bastards that treat the job as an excuse to bully innocent people. I'm sick to fucking death of "gut instinct" winning out over "good detective work." I'm sick of cops pulling triggers and killing unarmed civilians because the cop was fearful the person had a weapon. You know whose now fearful of people that they know have weapons? Yeah, that was fucking rhetorical but I'll answer it for any police officers reading this: everyday citizens are! And you're the assholes with the weapons! Knock it the fuck off. You took the oath and took the job wherein you knew your life would be in danger. You need to take the fucking risk on yourself and lay off the trigger already. It's especially bad when a cop knows he can shoot whomever he wants and a board of his peers will let him off the hook because "he thought his life was in danger."

You know what else I'm sick of? I'm sick of cops bullying people who aren't doing anything and threatening them with arrest. Then when the innocent people say, "Fuck no, I'm not doing anything wrong!", the cops arrest them for resisting arrest. That bullshit needs to be changed. Fucking politicians need to stop dicking around with painting the streets green for the illusion of bicycle safety and start actually changing things that matter. Or better yet, stop making more laws and spend a year or two getting rid of a bunch of them. Most of the laws are bullshit that a politician draws up to make himself or herself look good to the community. Oh, a bus hit a kid as the kid rode backwards down the street and swerved out into the lane? Change the laws to give more rights to bikers and pedestrians! You know, so they feel even more invincible because the law is on their side and they grow careless and begin getting hit more often.

I think I might be too pissed off to read The Flash now! Oh well! Here goes nothing!

Ha ha! Oh Flash! I can't stay mad when you're punning it up.

Dammit! Now you've gotten me mad again!

Flash, that is the biggest bullshit there is. If you hear about police shooting innocent people, accidentally or carelessly or whatever, why wouldn't you run the fuck away from them? And you're not even a policeman! You're an adult in a red leotard chasing after some kid! I'd run from you too, you gigantic pervert! This notion that innocent people don't run or that people with nothing to hide don't mind being spied on or that innocent people don't confess to crimes when bullied and intimidated is a huge part of the problem with the "justice" system. These are just myths and urban legends and misinformation and rumor and speculation. Nobody in this country will be safe from the people purported to be keeping us safe if they refuse to be rational about it.

Kid Flash loses him in the Sahara Desert and then calls Red Robin while stopping off in India for a snack. Red Robin hears him eating as they talk and then acts incredulous that Kid Flash is eating. Unless I just read it wrong because you can't actually hear the tone in his voice when he says it. But the bolding of certain words makes it seem like Red Robin is judging Kid Flash for simply trying to keep all of his organs from failing because he's used up all the energy in his body in one quick run across the world. Kid Flash mentions that Flash brought up a murder and Red Robin decides to look into it as The Flash finally catches up to him.

The Flash grabs Kid Flash and that thing that happens when Vibe touched Kid Flash happens again. The Flash gets a glimpse of a bunch of old white men in old fashioned wigs and realizes that Kid Flash is from the future. Wait what? It's more like he's from Parliament! The Flash does realize that Kid Flash taps into something other than the Speed Force. Since he's a time traveler, it must be the Time Force. Since the Speed Force is so tied up in time, you might think it was also the Time Force. But it's not! The Speed Force is the Time times Distance Force! The Time Force is just the Time Force! I wonder who is tapping into the Distance Force? Probably Batman. Because he's so distant! Ha ha!

Those poor Titans on the ship. So close to experiencing a good comic and yet so far away!

Meanwhile in a diner, a bald man with a big mustache and suspenders and a green shirt comes in to pick up an order of carry out. I don't know what that has to do with The Flash story! Maybe he's a future villain? Or Gorilla Grodd with a Percepto-Changer Enhancement! Maybe he's Lex Luthor's cousin from the Baltic region! I don't know who he is or why it was so important to spend two pages on watching him pick up his order, but I'm aroused! I mean intrigued!

This is the suspicious bastard!

Finally Reverse-Flash makes an appearance and kills Sprint. Then he says, "Three down, two to go!" It seems Iris West did pick up a Speed Force Power that she's either not telling about or she's completely ashamed of. I bet she can poop super fast!

The Flash #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't think I praise the art in this comic book enough. If I do, then that apparently wasn't enough so it's still not enough because it's fantastic. And the writing is also superb. So +1 for writing and art and also maybe another +1/2 for keeping the same creative team on the title for twenty one issues. I hope they go the distance on this thing! +1 Speed Force Point for me!

The Flash #19

This issue should probably be dedicated to Carmine Infantino.

The Flash recently lost his powers to some irresponsible jerks with a magic dial and now he's trapped inside Iron Heights Penitentiary (unless it's called something different) while Outlander Nation storm the walls to free The Trickster. And now it looks like Reverse Flash is coming from the future to cause a Reverse Flash Point. This won't restore DC's old Universe. It'll just make this, hopefully, The New 25! Then maybe I'll actually have some fucking free time to do some other reading and writing. And have relationships with things. And keep my business from failing. And eat more cookies.

I actually began typing "Get more exercise" for that last one and then thought I'd be honest.

Luckily news reports update everybody constantly so that Speed Force can learn about the trouble at Iron Heights and head over to help out. It'll be nice to have a few people who haven't had their powers stolen in on the action even if they have stupid powers like flying Segways and running really fast in super short bursts. Unless Sprint and Turbo Charger have different powers than I'm guessing they have because their powers weren't actually explained last issue. And why did just these two guys get powers while Sprint's girlfriend and Iris West didn't get any? The Speed Force Dimension is fucking sexist.

It looks like Sprint has already discovered the fringe benefits of super powers.

Over at Iron Heights Prison, Outlander Nation seems to have decided that saving The Trickster isn't exactly their main priority. Why not rob the Prison Armory while they're there, right? Too bad for them, Barry Allen (who isn't The Flash right now because of stupid Nelson Whatshisname) has beat them to it. Sure, he's locked in. But he's gathering up all of the super villain weaponry to protect it. In the first panel Barry appears, he's gathering up boomerangs. But who uses Boomerangs anymore? Captain Boomerang doesn't use physical boomerangs! He creates them out of thin air or something. Just like all of The Flash's enemies now. None of them use weapons anymore since everybody finally realized that The Flash instantly disarming super villains made for a really boring comic book that still somehow ran for hundreds of issues. I guess the weapons Barry's getting together are all from the old days before the super villains actually became super.

Apparently the Prison Armory isn't very secure since Barry just climbs through a ceiling tile and gets into the hallway behind the Outlanders. This prison is awful. No wonder it can't hold any Rogues for long.

Yep! Weapons from the old days.

Barry uses the weather wand to create a windstorm that blows the bad guys (and the guard) into the wall, knocking them out. That's some pretty shitty genetic coding on that wand. Unless Barry Allen is The Weather Wizard! Or related to him. Or has some of his semen on his hand. Next Barry takes out another group with one of Trickster's balls. This fight is getting super sexy! I mean disgusting!

Somewhere else in the prison, Turbocharger (I guess his name is one word!) overloads a circuit breaker while trying to help and releases all of the inmates instead. His partner, Sprint, hasn't shown up because he's probably off robbing a bank. And I don't blame him! The Flash treated him like shit last issue and told him not to use his powers. Who the fuck does The Flash think he is? Arbirter of who gets to use super powers? That's the Goddamned Batman's job. Boy, The Flash will steal work from anybody.

Eventually Barry finds Turbocharger surrounded by Trickster and the last of Outlander Nation. Using Captain Cold's old gun, Barry has Turborcharger "turbocharge" it, and he fires on Outlander Nation.

Instantly killing them all. This is one of my favorite comic book suspension of disbelief assumptions: encasing a person in solid ice is a means of subduing people as opposed to a means of freezing, suffocating, and crushing them.

One of the people encased in the ice is Sprint's girlfriend, Marissa. Barry realizes that she was the one making the vibrations shaking the prison. So the Speed Force isn't sexist! I guess it's just that when a woman gets super powers, she doesn't feel the need to pull them out and show them to everybody at every party she goes to. This probably means that Iris West also has some trick up her sleeve. Too bad Marissa is now frozen and dead before we even got to learn her super power name. I bet it's The Vibrator.

It also turns out that Marissa was the jerk that stole the diamonds and killed the security guy. So it wasn't Sprint using his powers to steal shit. It was this asshole! No wonder she was keeping her powers secret. And since they arrest her later, I guess she and everybody else frozen in the ice didn't die.

What do you mean nobody was around to see it? Do the people encased in ice go blind? Am I expected to believe they're in some kind of stasis? Are they unconscious? In a coma? I think what this actually means is Marissa, The Trickster, and a dozen Outlander Nation guys now know Barry Allen is The Flash.

After all the ice thaws and the prisoners are rounded up and moved to a location safer than a prison where inmates can escape through ceiling tiles, The Flash explains how the crime was committed to a derp-faced Turbocharger.

I think you ruin the purity of the pun by adding "literally" to it.

The Flash realizes that everybody who spent time in the Speed Force now has powers except for Iris. Should I phrase that differently? The Flash has learned about the powers granted to everybody who spent time in the Speed Force except for Iris's power. I bet she now has Speed Mind capabilities. She's going to be the greatest interviewer/journalist ever!

The Flash decides to do research on why he lost his powers and he makes an obvious discovery: Batman was already working on the problem before The Flash lost his powers. That Batman is so smart! I don't think Batman knows about Nelson and Roxie (look at me! I'm a doubter! How can I not believe Batman already knows everything?!) but he is keeping tabs on the Canadian Organization that The Human Centipede works for. Or, um, used to work for. Cyborg promises to keep some RAM open to monitor the crazy Dial events.

And then Cyborg makes a joke which I guess he hasn't done for five years because The Flash is completely shocked by it! So if you're keeping score, it takes five years to be able to joke about having most of your body destroyed and then merged to a high-tech computer.

The issue ends with Reverse Flash reverse killing Turbocharger. What I mean to say is he had just killed Turbocharger and then he pulled a Braid and reversed time so that Turbocharger was alive. He may or may not have done this so he could enjoy killing him a second time.

The Flash #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. As always, this comic gives up the good times. Marcio Takara's art seemed rushed in places but that might just be because he's drawing The Flash and he's trying to keep the artwork thematic! I hope Reverse Flash doesn't break The New 52 just a year and a half in. Maybe The Reverse Flash will get his own title after this where he goes back and forward in time watching the heroes that don't exist anymore but did exist before the Reboot. It could be like a DC Universe Presents but it would be called Reverse Flash Presents Tales From the Preboot.

The Reverse-Flash! (as seen in The Flash #17)

Part 17 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Eobard Thawne, alias Professor Adrian Zoom [Perhaps the best name and alias in DC History? After Tinya Wazoo, of course.]
Occupation: Professional Criminal [And master of paradox!]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: 25th-Century Earth
First Appearance: FLASH #139
Height: 5'11" Weight: 179 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Strawberry Blonde [What is that? Near ginger?]

HISTORY
"Physicist Dr. Walter Drake devised a 'time satellite' that he could send into the future, and the second Flash (see Flash II) donated one of his costumes to be put into the satellite [Why? I need to read this comic book now to find out the reason for this!]. The time satellite arrived in the 25th Century [Wouldn't it have merely passed through all the centuries, not technically "arriving" in any one? I think I have different ideas about sending things forward through time than Dr. Walter Drake has], where the criminal Eobard Thawne got hold of the Flash costume within it. Thawne amplified the super-speed wave patterns in the costume so as to give himself the power to move at super-speed when he wore it [Well that seems a bit like cheating! He didn't need to be struck by lightning or anything?]. Dubbed 'the Professor' for his scientific talent, Thawne now changed his nickname to 'Professor Zoom.' Since Thawne planned to use his powers to commit crimes, not to stop them as The Flash did, he reversed the colors on the costume [And how did he manage that? Future science, I guess!] and called himself [Wait for it!] 'the Reverse-Flash.' Arriving in the 25th Century, The Flash defeated Zoom [Now fucking hold on just a minute! What the hell kind of sentence is that? It came out of nowhere just like The Flash! How did The Flash know some guy was being a jerk in his costume in the 25th Century? Did The Flash leave his house keys in his costume's pocket and realize he needed to go to the future to retrieve them instead of just changing his locks? Seriously! This makes no sense that The Flash had to travel in time to stop this guy!].

Zoom first came to the 20th Century to force Mr. Element (see Mr. Element) to help him gain the power of super-speed again. Later, Zoom gave his own body the power of super-speed through his 'ultra-speed' science [Oh, well that fucking explains that then!].

Zoom trapped The Flash in the 25th Century and came to the 20th, where he temporarily gave himself the physical appearance of Barry Allen, The Flash's alter ego. Zoom intended to take over he roles of both Barry Allen and The Flash and even to marry Allen's fiancee, Iris West [What an asshole.] However, The Flash broke free of Zoom's trap, again defeated Zoom, and married Iris himself [That was a stupid trap anyway, trapping someone in a future time. Because it doesn't matter how long it takes them to break free since they can travel back to any time they need to stop you. The Reverse-Flash is dumb!].

Later, Zoom apparently became dependent on wearing a special costume to activate his super-speed power. Obsessed with Iris, he again impersonated Allen and tried to kill Iris when she discovered his imposture [Maybe I was a bit hasty in calling him an asshole. This guy is a gigantic asshole. He couldn't find any women to love him in the 25th Century?]. The Flash thwarted Zoom once more, but Zoom later returned and demanded that Iris forsake The Flash for him [And pathetic! Did I mention how fucking pathetic this jerk is?]. When Iris refused, Zoom murdered her [Holy shitbat insane! Now I'm really beginning to worry for Barry about this guy's appearance in The New 52! He's a maniac!]. (However, Iris had been born in the 30th Century [Wait. WTF?], and her parents transplanted her spirit into the body of a 30th-Century woman, as the Flash discovered years after Iris's 'murder.' [What? What did I just read? Was that supposed to read Iris's parents transplanted her into a 20th-Century woman? Or was she born in the future, transplanted into the past, killed, but then had her spirit shoved into some poor unsuspecting innocent woman of the 30th Century? What the fuck was going on in this comic in the Silver Age?!]) The vengeful Flash battled Zoom, who became trapped in another dimension.

Thinking Iris dead, Barry Allen fell in love with a young woman named Fiona Webb. But Zoom escaped and tried to murder her on the very day she was to marry Allen. In saving her life, The Flash broke Zoom's neck, killing him [Jesus Christ! This has to be the most disturbing, most confusing Who's Who entry yet!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"The Reverse-Flash used various means during his career to give himself the power to move at superhuman speed. He could attain velocities equal to the speed of light (186,000 miles per second [Thanks for the clarification! I guess in the days before the internet, these kinds of facts were hard to come by!]) and had superhuman endurance. He had absolute mental control of his own atoms and molecules, and could vibrate his atoms so fast that he could pass harmlessly through solid objects.

Zoom also possessed telepathic powers [Well shit. Of course he did.], and devised the science of "ultra-speed," which enabled him to achieve amazing feats by speeding up the movement of subatomic particles."