Green Arrow #19

I don't even know what the shocking lie about his death was!

Green Arrow is somehow still alive and somehow not cancelled. I think Jeff Lemire is doing a much better job than the previous four writers did with him but too slowly. Stop building a long, convoluted story and just make Green Arrow interesting already! Isn't there a magic short cut to erase the previous horrible issues and then make Green Arrow fun and interesting in a single issue? Use Jim Starlin's fire-headed, reality-bending aliens if you want! Anything goes now in the New 52 thanks to good old Jim! Every book has been freed from the editorial yoke! They can all exist in their own precious timeline within Earth Prime's dimension! So make Green Arrow interesting already, dammit!

Or you could do the Palmiotti and Gray Batwing thing and just start over with a new Green Arrow! I would accept that as well.

Once again, Lemire begins an issue with Ollie wandering through the desert of Black Mesa, Arizona. But now he's not nearly dead from dehydration and fatigue because he had a memory that allowed him to forget about the physical limitations of his body and carry on as if nothing were wrong. And now he's made it to some sheltering rocks where he begins following a trail of green arrows. And he suspects he knows who left them for him.

I wonder if the Baton Twirling Stalker followed him to Arizona? Maybe she'll save him.

I guess I forgot to mention that last issue ended with Green Arrow falling to his death in Seattle. Obviously he doesn't die because he has to live to end up dying in Black Mesa, Arizona. I suppose it's time to break out a trick arrow designed just for this occasion!

Except that would have been more believable than what really happens. He falls a whole bunch of stories and then casually grabs onto a ledge and pulls himself to safety. Lemire must have written that as an homage to all the old serialized adventure cliffhangers they showed in movie theaters in the 1800s.

You know, I can't even make a stupid facetious statement like that "1800s" line above without feeling the need to clarify that I wasn't serious lest everybody think it was a typo or just my constant stupidity. I assure you that this time it wasn't me being stupid. Just me being hyperbolic about how old those serialized things were and also being lazy because I didn't want to check on the decades that they actually ran.

Let's recap! Green Arrow finds out his father was a liar. SWAT helicopters come to kill Green Arrow. Green Arrow slides down a grapple line to safety. But before the safety happens, Komodo shoots the line with an arrow. Green Arrow falls to his death. No, wait! He grabs a ledge! And that ledge just happens to be the one Komodo is standing on a few feet away. And the helicopters are still after him! What a mess! But Green Arrow still has a way to save the day for everyone (as long as everyone does not include himself or Komodo).

If Komodo were to die here (he won't!), would Green Arrow accept responsibility for killing him? Or is this one of those super hero ethical gray areas? "I just stabbed him in the ankle. Totally survivable. Not my fault he couldn't keep his balance and fell to his death. Klutz."

Komodo grabs Ollie and they plummet to the ground. But this time (THIS TIME!), Green Arrow uses his trick arrow to save their lives. It's the Explodes Into Green Jello Arrow and they tumble squishily to safety. At this point, the SWAT helicopter loses them and I flip through and scan a few pages to see if it ever comes back or is completely forgotten like Nocenti or J.T. Cruel would have written it. Spoiler: it comes back to save the day!

I called that a spoiler because the helicopter doesn't come back for six pages. But now that I'm done reading up until the helicopter comes back, there wasn't much more to say besides "some arrows are shot and Ollie loses and then the helicopter comes back." Oh, and one other SHOCKING TRUTH!

Dun dun DUN!

The SWAT helicopter distracts Komodo long enough for Green Arrow to grab Komodo's bow and shoot Komodo in the shoulder. Then the SWAT helicopter flies off to ignore the action once more, giving Green Arrow some time to interrogate Komodo. But the interrogation doesn't last long as one of Komodo's boomerang arrows finally returns to shoot Ollie in the back.

Unless it was something more believable like Komodo's daughter coming to rescue her father after having a conversation with Naomi that caused the deadly girl to worry about dear old dad.

Yeah, that makes more sense. Only Green Arrow would use something as dumb as a Boomerang Arrow!

Green Arrow just got done Narration Boxing about how he beat Komodo because Komodo underestimated him and treated him like a child. So what happens when Ollie goes against Komodo's daughter? Ollie underestimates her and treats her like a child. And, of course, he loses. Ollie escapes by sliding ten stories down a construction waste tube. He lands on the nice, soft waste at the bottom and lies their bleeding and broken waiting for Fyff to pick him up. Meanwhile, Komodo begins killing SWAT Helicopter pilots because the helicopters finally decided it was time to start shooting. That's some serious patience! They actually gave three or four warnings to drop weapons that were ignored and they resisted firing! I know the weapons were only bows and arrows but most police in big cities don't even need the supposed perp to have a weapon to shoot to kill! As long as the person has something in his hand (wallet, skittles, penis), they'll open fire. Heck, a person doesn't even need to have something in his or her hand to get shot lately. Just pull into the wrong person's driveway and you're asking to take one in the brain.

Uh oh. Is there a chink in someone's daughter's trust?

Meanwhile Fyff picks up Arrow before he completely bleeds to death. But Arrow won't let this little girl's arrow shot through his leg kill him! No, he'd rather die by pulling the arrow out of his leg like an idiot and causing a shit-ton more damage!

This is how it went through.

And this is how he pulls it out before losing consciousness and ending the issue. Idiot.

Green Arrow #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book moves up the ranks because of one panel that sums up Green Arrow's DCnU career:

Earth 2 #11

Oh DC, you stupid fucking bastards. Dr. Fate should have been the new gay character!

When I opened up the Cover Flap to see the turn of the second half of the phrase, I became super excited to see Mister Miracle. And then I remembered this was the pretend Earth and I got super sad. This is why so many people hate the Reboot. They view the Preboot continuity as the "real" characters and have not been able to bring themselves to care about these imposters. Earth Two feels a lot like that to me. I know Scott Free will eventually appear on Earth Prime (probably in Talon in some kind of Escapapediology Contest!), so this first appearance of him on Earth Two just seems like a fantasy, a charade, a shadow puppet show put on by shadow puppets. Shut up! I know that's impossible! But that doesn't mean I can't think it. Don't put limits on my imagination, Mom! I mean, um, shut up.

Even if I think of this book's non-Justice Society characters as second class citizens whose real versions I look forward to on Earth Prime, I'm enjoying this book. There's a lot going on.

Am I the only person in the world that feels like a complete and abject failure when I begin a sentence with "There"? I feel like I'm not writing to my potential. Should I have said, "The comic book has a lot going on"? Or "This comic book weaves a rich tapestry from the individual stories of the various main characters, creating a vibrant world that takes the reader to its breast and shoves a warm, nourishing nipple against its searching and slavering tongue"? Or "When life has bared its fangs for the last time and finally ripped deep into your skull to feast on your brains and your bones and your raw, pure emotions, leaving you to lie in the dark many hours past waking as you staunchly refuse to acknowledge even your own existence because that would mean venturing out and exposing yourself to the fiery, hellish gaze of the other people walking in the glaring light of the fabricated society we all pretend we understand and fit into, this comic book acts as an abrasive to memory, cleaning out the thoughts that make you envy the last of the water that circles the drain and finally plummets into the dark abyss of the house's pipes, causing you to forget, at least for a few precious moments, the weight and the cruelty and the spastic futility of human sentience"?

Ugh. Thank you comic books and this blog and the readers for giving me a reason to keep my head above the spiraling depression that occasionally rears its stupid fucking head. At least I have something to occupy my mind before I find myself weeping on my knees in front of my bamboo curtain of Ganesha pleading with him to remove the things in my life that are causing this unknown pain and sorrow.

Yes, I did that once. The results to praying to an inanimate representation of a Hindu God? My Xbox red ringed the next day. Ha ha! Very funny, Universe! Fuck you! You know, if I were a more impressionable and less cynical person, I might be Hindu now!

Speaking of nonsense, Fate and Miracle star in this comic book I'm going to read now!

Oh, and let's not forget magic!

While Jay Garrick and the guy that will be Dr. Fate that isn't Nelson since Nelson is another guy now are trying to fetch Nabu's helmet, Wotan is outside the Tower of Doctor Fate telling stories to Jay Garrick's mom.

Wotan: "You know, I used to be a red-haired barbarian sorceress back in the day?"
Garrick's Mom: "So you're one of those transgendertrons?"
Wotan: "I can't tell if you're being insulting or fierce."
Garrick's Mom: "You're holding me hostage and you're worried about me being insulting? You want insults? I don't find it hard to believe that you've been a man and a woman because you're a total dick and a gigantic pussy."
Wotan: "Bravo! I see you fully embrace the vulgarities of the century!"
Garrick's Mom: "Fuck off, cunt puncher."

Jay Garrick's mom might become one of my favorite characters if James Robinson keeps writing her the way I imagine he's writing her!

Wotan explains to Jay's mom that many centuries ago he tried to cast an immortality spell and failed. But the spell that he did cast was an eternal memory spell so his ego and personality remained intact as he lived life after life. And he calls that spell a failure?! That's a much better spell than one that just keeps you in a single body that you have to rely on never getting chopped into tiny bits while it never dies! And you'd always fit in and you'd always know everything and you'd learn so much! Jason Blood has to keep doing lots of bureaucratic bullshit to create different identities so his immortality is never found out. Wotan can simply live every life with new family and friends and still retain her sense of self across generations! That spell was brilliant!

The only problem with Wotan's reincarnations is that she's always reborn with green skin thanks to a curse from Nabu so he can recognize her every time she comes back. That was a pretty cocky curse by Nabu, thinking he'll be alive to be attacked by her every incarnation across the centuries. Or else Nabu went on tour immediately after this and killed Green Babies everywhere he went.

Ha ha! Really cocky! Stupid fuck died almost immediately!

Meanwhile The Flash sends Khalid (that's his name!) to seek out the Helm of Nabu while The Flash tries to defeat the Great Beast. That shouldn't be too hard. I think I could do anything if I could think and act at nearly the speed of light. Everything else would be pretty much motionless, giving me time to do anything I wanted. The Great Beast should be easy to defeat! Unless magic could somehow screw that up. Stupid comic book rules. Why can't they be more like real life rules?!

The Real Flash! A Word Comic Starring The Flash in The Real World!
Jay Garrick was minding his own business when something so scientific that mankind has yet to be able to explain it gave Jay Garrick the power to run at super sonic speeds! Jay didn't understand it so he decided it must have been a gift from God. Then Jay thought, "I shall very much like to test out these super speed powers now!" And he took off really fast! His brain was instantly smashed against his skull from inertia or some other physics thing that makes sense, possibly acceleration. His organs liquified and his bones shattered and his lifeless corpse shot across the field from the momentum of his initial burst of speed, finally collapsing in some thick weeds.
The End!

The Flash finds the Great Beast and hesitates because he has self-esteem problems (according to his mom who is blabbing all of his secrets and insecurities to Wotan). This allows the Great Beast to get the jump on The Flash!

Perhaps the strange environment also caused The Flash to confusingly run right into the Great Beast's grasp.

Meanwhile Steppenwolf has discovered that Scott Free is in Gotham and he's decided to send Fury to retrieve him. He also mentions, a bit off-hand, that Scott Free is hiding in Gotham of "this Earth". Or does it simply mean that the residents of Apokolips and New Genesis here in Dimension #2 can easily move from Dimension to Dimension, so Steppenwolf needs to be clear about exactly where Scott Free has been found? Or does this mean Apokolips and New Genesis reside in a unique Dimension of its own set apart from the 52 Main Dimensions? Sort of like the Anti-Matter Universe from the Pre-Crisis DCU? If so, does that mean Cyborg's Boom Tube Technology can take the Justice League to any of these other Dimensions since it can take them to Apokolips or is the Apokolips trip simply built in to the tech for obvious reasons?

When Steppenwolf mentions Mister Miracle is in Gotham, he adds, "What's left of it." I guess Batman really is the only thing holding that place together.

Those are two of the most impressive monsters I've ever seen! Also, check out the giant ape fighting the lobster creature!

While Khalid is lost in a maze searching for the Helm of Nabu, he's having a conversation with Nabu about his real reasons for wanting to find a helmet that is simply going to supplant his consciousness and his memories with those of a long dead ancient Egyptian. It turns out Khalid's guardian was some guy named Kent Nelson and he died by mysterious circumstances. I bet he pissed off the Lords of Chaos! And then Khalid finally discovers the helmet.

Khalid accepts his role of future madman and dons the helmet to become Doctor Fate. He does it because he has come to admire Jay Garrick's ability to face fear and act when the world needs his help. And right now, Jay Garrick needs his help because super speed apparently isn't the best super power to use against The Great Beast. Maybe The Great Beast will recognize Doctor Fate as his master and become Doctor Fate's super pet. He can join up with Krypto and Batcow and Alfred the Cat and Titus and Beast Boy.

Doctor Fate saves Jay Garrick by using his other familiars that reside in the tower. I think that's what those glowing save points with the icons were. One becomes a panther type creature and the other a flaming bird. They put The Great Beast down and Doctor Fate and Jay Garrick head off to save Garrick's mom from Wotan next issue.

Meanwhile who the fuck knows what is going on with Green Lantern and Hawkgirl and Mister Terrific and Terry Sloane and The Sandmen and The Atom.

Earth 2 #11 Rating: No change. This comic had 95% less Mister Miracle than I expected it to have! It also had about 85% less Doctor Fate. And 100% less Green Lantern! It did have about 44% more Garrick's mom than I ever thought it would. Now if only one of The New 52 Comic Books would simply be about super hero mothers forming a support group and just hanging out talking and trading recipes and gabbing and also being strong women as well as those other stereotypes so that I don't sound totally sexist.

Stormwatch #19

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

Is this the Stormwatch from Earth-50? Are they truly going to defeat the Stormwatch from Earth Prime? Because I wouldn't be surprised. It seems like the one rule DC has is if two gay characters act on their sexuality, they must be placed immediately inside a gay refrigerator. So technically, Peter Milligan would have killed Stormwatch Prime for allowing the boys to kiss in defiance of Dan DiDio's Anti-Gay-and/or-Blue-Beetle Law. I guess I should stop jumping to stupid conclusions just from the double spread cover. Are these Mad Fold-Ins?

Hmm. Not unless you have to get fancy and do some origami style folding. I wonder if my comic book store will replace my now mangled copy of Stormwatch #19? It was an honest mistake! I'm sure they'll understand if I told them I was trying to get the Fold-In picture to line up.

This issue begins with Jim Starlin having no idea how to write somebody else's characters so he has some beings with their heads on fire initiate the Magenta Timeline where they begin the universe by killing Adam One. This causes Peter Milligan's Stormwatch to stop existing. Also the Demon Knights. Except the Demon Knights were taken over by a competent writer, so they're actually doing okay.

I think the big clue is the name of the timeline: Magenta.

Magenta does not exist as a single color wavelength. It cannot be created with a prism. You do not see it in a rainbow. But line up two color bands from two prisms by placing the blue end of one along the red end of the other and you'll see Magenta light. So Magenta needs two wavelengths to exist. Does the Magenta Timeline require two timelines to exist? Or is the Magenta Timeline simply an imaginary construct by these fire-headed people?

But how does a complete change in the timeline affect The New 52? If this is Earth Prime, then we now have a completely new Earth Prime. Adam One is dead. Therefore there was no Merlin. Therefore there is no Etrigan or Madame Xanadu or Stormwatch. Well, we know that can't be correct because Demon Knights hasn't been suddenly cancelled mysteriously. This could be Earth-50. But what it really is is a gigantic clusterfuck by DC's editors to allow this story to be told (unless it ends up being some kind of alternate reality dream or something. Or Earth-50!). How can DC have no concept of what their own 52 Earth paradigm means? 52 Universes equals 52 timelines. Now each universe could have other dimensions such as The Phantom Zone or The Fifth Dimension or all those various pocket dimensions Lobdell likes to create. But each of the 52 Universes can't have an infinite amount of timelines. Because every timeline is simply another fucking Earth which would mean the DC Universe still has infinite earths.

You know what? Maybe I should read this fucking comic book and see what Starlin does with it before I start pointing to this issue as the comic book that caused DC to fuck itself in the ass.

The Shadow Lords have not been affected by the reality change because they were in Camelot The Bleed. Since The Bleed is conveniently outside of normal time/space, they were left alone to notice that Stormwatch has been erased from existence. They also somehow noticed that this is the twelfth time that this has happened. Can I just give my first "Fuck You" of the issue right now?

Anyway, this Shadow Lord is the Storm King and he's just arrived from inside a Black Hole (I guess that's how you get into and out of The Bleed?) to discuss the erasure of Stormwatch with Storm Control. He calls himself or his ship or fucking who the fuck knows what "The New Skywatch" and they can't be detected because they're in STEALTH MODE!

It's too bad Peter Milligan is gone because I'm fairly certain that he was building up for the Shadow Lords to be Planetary.

A bunch of bullshit I can't be bothered to comment on.

The Shadow King and the teeny tiny secret leader of the new Stormwatch (Ray Palmer?) begin looking at video files of potential Stormwatch teammates. There's Angie the Engineer. And Apollo the Sun Man. And Midnighter the psychopath. And...hey! Wait a minute! These are all the same people that were just erased from existence! FUCK YOU, JIM STARLIN! You fucking coward! Too much work to have to use characters with 380 pages of history behind them? That's one novel's worth of story! And it's mostly pictures! And you couldn't be bothered to study it and base the next Stormwatch on that history? Is this a Stormwatch pattern? Has it really been erased from existence eleven times before this and then restarted?

Wait a second. You're already utilizing these guys? So this new Stormwatch already exists? Or part of it does? Or does Teeny Tiny Leader simply have a Teeny Tiny Treasure and he hired The Weird to protect it so he figured he'd just add him to the group?

Teeny Tiny Mystery Leader has also recruited Jenny Soul from a London Asylum and some guy named Force. So whatever. I guess these are members he already recruited even though he began the fucking conversation seemingly confused about the whole rewrite of reality and Stormwatch not existing and so I guess he had been recruiting for Stormwatch before the Storm King came to speak with him because they didn't exist?

Fuck you, Jim Starlin. Oh, am I repeating myself. Sorry! Wouldn't want that! I should just write a whole bunch of disparate paragraphs that don't have a single thing in common between any of them. That review would be more fitting for this reset of Stormwatch.

Skywatch is the new Stormwatch's headquarters/space ship. It's piloted by an other dimensional frog man.

Why bother with those guys? If they can rewrite reality, they're probably doing it constantly and there's nothing you can do about it or even notice. I guess if these guys can rewrite reality and fuck up The New 52, Volthoom over in Green Lantern should be able to do it as well! I think the only solution to this rampant fucking with time and space is for each of the comics in The New 52 to be its own separate Earth. I actually wouldn't mind that!

The Engineer has been on her first mission beating up some guys named Dee and Dum who apparently haven't realized that they're stepping on some Gotham toes with their schtick. Her mission was to recruit a little guy with a drug problem that might be Stormwatch's Shaman once he cleans up his act. Or even if he doesn't. Nobody needs a sober Shaman.

Well at least these guys can continue with their romance without interruption.

Apparently I missed the allusion that Storm Control's "tiny treasure" was Jenny Soul. I guess I was too busy thinking about how many times I wanted to say "fuck you" to Jim Starlin. So The Weird and Jenny Soul get to hang out and become besties because they're the outcasts of the group. Unless Midnighter and Apollo are the outcasts of the group. Maybe Hellstrike and Force are the outcasts? I think this group is too big! And what happened to Jack Hawksmoor? Was he completely rewritten out of existence? The others weren't. They were just taken away from Stormwatch.

The group has a big meeting where they discover that they're going to have to combat the reality shifting flame headed aliens. Will they defeat them and put the Green Timeline back together? Or will the flame headed jerk-offs find a new champion that is no longer dead because of the timeline rewrite and also because he probably wasn't dead anyway and probably because who the fuck cares about anything any more? World building? Fuck world building! Let's just tell stories!

No, seriously. I'm all for that. But since The New 52 claims to be something more, I'd appreciate it if they stuck to that. Oh, anyway, I was discussing the Magenta Men's new champion!

You know, it's actually refreshing to see Lobo drawn well again and not that horrible mess Liefeld was trying to draw.

Stormwatch #19 Rating: -25 Ranking. You want to start over? Let's fucking start over, bitches! I'm calling it right now! Stormwatch #19 ruined the entire New 52 paradigm. This story is going to open up stories to all sorts of crazy bullshit that will just end in masses and masses of confusion. If this is Earth Prime, The Demon Knights don't exist. I'm hoping this is Earth 50, the Wildstorm Earth, even if Earth 50 was supposedly merged with Earth Prime. Since there are still 52 Earths, I'm assuming that Earth Prime was merged with Earth 50 and Earth Vertigo. But those two Earths still also exist separately. So over on Earth Prime, Dex-Starr can still have his rematch with the Real Midnighter.

This whole timeline reset concept for Stormwatch is lazy bullshit that really fucks with The New 52 paradigm. But if Starlin can tell good, self-contained stories, I'm all for it. But I'll still pretend this is simply Earth-50.

Batwing #19

See, Dave? That's the armor you should have been wearing all along! It's very slimming.

This issue begins with David telling Batman that he's quitting Batman Incorporated.

Batman: "What do you mean you quit?"
David Zavimbe: "Africa isn't like Gotham, Batman. People here just aren't afraid of bats."
Batman: "You're just not being scary enough. Are you screaming, 'Eee! Eee! Eee!', as you descend on them?"
David: "It's not just that, Batman. Nobody respects the police force either."
Batman: "Are you freakin' kidding?! That's exactly like Gotham!"
David: "People I love are dying."
Batman: "You did hear about Robin, right? It happens! You just have to get right back on the bat-cycle!"
David: "The suit makes me look fat."
Batman: "Yeah, I didn't want to say anything. Well, good luck being a nobody!"

The main reason David seems to want to quit is not that the suit makes him look fat but that the criminals in Tinasha and the Democratic Republic of Congo need to be killed and not just arrested. Members of Batman Incorporated are not allowed to kill. They also have to be careful about their Tweets and Facebook Status Updates. The last thing Batman Incorporated needs is an image problem.

The next scene takes place five days prior to the quitting Batman scene. Batwing has decided to hunt down Dawn and ask her why she suddenly changed personalities so quickly after nearly being killed by Father Loost. Batwing isn't aware that the writers had changed in the middle of the story, so he's still really confused. But now the writer has changed again and Batwing is demanding answers.

She should make some magic swords and gut him!

Dawn doesn't put up much of a fight. Probably because she has brain damage after being punched in the face by Batwing while he's wearing his battle armor. She gives up Ancil's location and then Batwing flies off expecting Dawn to retire and go back to the good rebel girl she was when Winick was writing her.

The second title (I guess this comic book is too good to have just the first title, "A Season of Change") is Tying Up Loose Ends. I'm pretty sure that's what Palmiotti and Gray are doing so they can get around to writing about the new Batwing. Tie up some plot threads, let David leave Batman's shadow, and send him on his way as a vigilante willing to kill to change things. I don't think Batman knows that's David's plan when he quits or else Batman might have had harsher words than "think about it."

And then the comic book gets an actual title: "The End of the Beginning"! I don't know what those other large blocks of text were! Maybe it's a secret code! I'll wait until I have all the phrases before I crack it. I'm on the case!

Using Dawn's information, Batwing smashes through the wall of Ancil's safehouse to find him in the process of killing another woman. The kid taunts Batwing and Batwing just takes it because if he kills someone while wearing the Bat Symbol, he'll never be invited to another Wayne Charity Event ever again. And if there's one place a single gay African male can really find a bunch of hot guys to nail while chugging champagne and caviar, it's at a Wayne Charity Ball. The Bat Symbol must remain pure! So instead of killing the kid, Batwing just slightly incapacitates Ancil.

And partially drowns him as well.

Next Batwing goes after Ancil's dad because Batwing wants to get his hands on the Sky Pirate. Sky Pirate put Batwing's butler, Matu, on death's door and now David has been wearing the same dirty underwear for five days straight. And he hasn't had a decent cup of tea in that time either. And none of the shopping is getting done. And the fucking toilet was clogged three days ago and the Batwing Armor isn't equipped with a plunger. Besides, unclogging toilets is butler and/or sidekick work. So Sky Pirate is going to pay!

Just take off the armor already and get busy on the trail of bodies!

Batwing puts a bunch of bombs on the Storm of Mjolnir. When the Sky Pirate's ship descends on the boat, Batwing hits the trigger and Sky Pirate's ship and the Storm of Mjolnir die as one.

Isn't Batwing at all curious about Sky Pirate's space ship?! I'm finding the lack of curiosity in comic book characters seriously disturbing! That's a huge ship! Where did it come from? Who built it? Why doesn't Batman have one? Instead, Batwing just casually blows it up and then thinks, "I hope the Sky Pirate can swim!" I hope the Sky Pirate was invulnerable! That fucker just blew up and fell out of the sky among burning metal shrapnel! If he didn't die, Batwing just gave him super powers.

Meanwhile at the hospital, David discovers that Matu Ba, his mentor or butler or sidekick or sugar daddy or something, has taken a turn for the worse! What's worse than "at death's door"?

Can Matu go home with this doctor's prescription? "Pray for patient 5 times daily until patient dies."

Before Matu dies, he has one last conversation with David.

Matu: "David, my friend, david."
David: "Matu! I found the Batsuit you saved for me and I almost murdered a bunch of people...well, technically, I did murder a bunch of people but since they were all aboard The Sky Pirate's ship and I didn't have to look them in the eye when I did it, it probably doesn't count. Plus I didn't actually see any bodies or anything but then I did turn around pretty quickly and left the scene before Batman could see me."
Matu: "David...DAVID!"
David: "You're my best friend in the whole world, Matu, and what am I going to do when you die? You didn't even get to be on the cover and nobody was rushing the comic book stores to get the issue where Matu died!"
Matu: "David! David!"
David: "Yes, Matu, yes? Do you have some deathbed wisdom for me? Your final words to carry me forward and dissuade me from the vengeful, murderous path I'm about to go down? What is it, Matu?! What is it?!"
Matu: "I can see your house from here."
EKG: "DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...."

My last words are so going to be the punchline for a joke I never told.

Taking Matu's last words to heart, David calls his partner Kia and tells her he knows where Ancil Marksbury is. They find him tied up in a chair and walk him into police headquarters. David doesn't tell Kia where Sky Pirate is because they'd have to check out the scuba equipment at the station to recover his body. After dumping off Ancil, David quits the police force. He just can't deal with the corruption anymore. He needs to lift the weight of responsibility from his shoulders and live his own quiet life for awhile. But first he has to pretend kiss Kia goodbye.

Ewww! Girls!

After David completely ditches Kia because he needs to stop living a lie and get on with his own life, he goes to speak with the person he really has a crush on: Batman! And that means we're back at the beginning of the comic book where David quits Batman Incorporated. Does that mean I have to go back to page one and keep reading? Am I stuck in a time loop?

David goes off to do his own thing and will probably appear in a New 52 title early next year called "Zavimbe". Batman heads back to Gotham to brag to Alfred about the new and improved and safer Batwing suit. Alfred acts impressed while not quite biting his tongue about safety and Damian and how fucking crazy Bruce is to put another fucking kid in danger with his stupid bat shenanigans?! But at least the next kid Bruce is willing to put in danger is a college graduate and a championship cage fighter. He's also Lucius Fox's son, Luke Fox. So that's probably going to be an issue.

Batwing #19 Rating: No change. Why is Batman so amped up about having a Batwing? What's it to him? How does Bruce Wayne profit from it? Is he using Batwing to model technology that Bruce can then highlight and sell to the military? There has to be some kind of gain from this scheme or Bruce wouldn't bother. He's way more into capitalism than crimefighting.

Worlds' Finest #11

DC decided to be a huge pain in my ass this month with two-page spread covers! Jerkos!

Why The Fuck are these covers being called WTF covers? "With the Fold" with a sly nod at "What the Fuck"? "Way too fat"? "Witch Titty Fun"? "White Teen Flatulence"? "Worlds' Totally Finest"? Okay, I'm done. Imma gonna read me a comic book now.

No, I'm not. First I'm going to comment on the cover! The first half of this picture looks like Mister Terrific is spawning. And in the second half, how come the Nightmare Thing has his eyes open on the big tablet but closed on the second tablet? He truly is a master of illusion!

This issue begins with The Huntress investigating some Apokoliptian weapons smugglers. She's on their case because of the African Little Rascals that assaulted Karen with their own Apokoliptian laser blasters and the Holt Security forces that stormed Karen's home with Positronic Anti-Life Boompop guns. The Huntress watches a deal go down and declares there is only one way to find out if these are the same guys that supplied those guys I just mentioned in that other sentence sitting on top of this one.

I don't know. I think there may have been some alternatives to kidnapping and injecting his testicles with India Ink.

The Huntress doesn't Narration Box about anything she learned from the guy she kidnapped so I don't know if she learned anything from the guy she kidnapped. She just continues to remember the last ten issues of Worlds' Finest, putting the pieces side-by-side for comparison to see if they might possibly be from the same puzzle. Oh! That's probably a good idea for Extreme Puzzlers! Take two very similarly themed puzzles and mix the pieces into one box. Then begin making two puzzles at once from the same pile! I can't think of anything less interesting and more frustrating than that! I think puzzles should be sold without showing the image on the front of the box. Why bother putting it together when you can already see what it is?! The reward for putting the pieces together should be learning what the picture is.

Meanwhile Karen Starr is in Las Vegas for a trade show. And it seems everything coming out of her mouth is an innuendo. She's such a sexy sexpot sex kitten. "I want everyone pumping me...." "I love to play 'you show me yours...'". "Shove it all the way in and tell me what I had for lunch." She's very much looking forward to the Holt Industries' pre-show party so I can make a joke about Mister Terrific's balls.

While Karen is preparing for a long night of making out with skeletal faced pimps, The Huntress is back breaking into Michael Holt's home. She's ready for Michael's balls this time but not for his newly hired armed mercenary security guards.

Oh come on, Helena! He's probably a contractor who has zero benefits because Holt Industries can't afford to pay decent wages due to Obama inventing taxes! He's going to be out of work with huge medical bills now and might even lose the use of his arm. Or he could be knowingly working for Demon Faced Kiss Stealer from the cover. Then I'd say it's okay to teach him a painful lesson. But only okay in comic books! Don't mistake my comic book ethics for real world ethics!

Interrupting this scene is a big advert letting DC readers know that Red Hood and the Outlaws might be worth reading now because James Tynion IV has taken over Scott Lobdell's writing duties. I don't know if the comic will be worth reading now but I do know it will be better. And that's not based on Tynion's takeover so much as Lobdell's abdication.

After defeating the guards, she hears the presumed Mr. Holt over the guard's radio say he's sending back-up. Which means The Huntress has to quickly leave again without getting any more information. I guess she'll have to break in again tomorrow night when security will include tanks and dinosaurs as well as Mister Terrific's balls.

Meanwhile 42 months previously, Karen and Helena were breaking into government buildings looking for scientific information on dimension hopping and parallel worlds.

Apparently the crucial difference between Earth Prime and Earth Two is that Philip K. Dick was never born on Earth Two.

And then it's time for Holt Industries Pre-Show Party! Helena has come as Karen's security and probably to make sure she doesn't end up getting back together with Michael Holt. Especially since Michael Holt is probably a robot now. Except the cover already sort of disproved that theory. Whatever he is, you'd think Power Girl could use her super duper vision to suss out what he really is. I guess she's blinded by love. Or science. But apparently she doesn't need to use her super powers since Michael Holt decides to drop his disguise as soon as they meet.

I know what comes after Desaad! Eesaad!

Worlds' Finest #11 Rating: No change. I'm glad the "Next Month" text told me that was Desaad because I never would have guessed. I suppose I'm supposed to know that any character in a huge purple robe and hood is Desaad, even when his features are so lich-like. I'm assuming this is the Desaad from Earth Two who followed Supergirl and Robin through the dimensional rift. Although the "wanna guess what comes next?" tag would suggest Darkseid is about to make an appearance. Or maybe I'm supposed to guess that what comes next is Desaad getting a major ass kicking for putting his hands on Karen Starr without her consent. There are just too many variables to guess at!

Hector Hammond! (as seen in Superman #18)

Part 21 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Full Name: Hector Hammond
Occupation: Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: California State Prison [Now STAR Labs where he's going to turn everybody against Superman! What an interesting and dynamic new plotline Lobdell has invented!]
First Appearance: GREEN LANTERN #5
Height: 5'1" Weight: 156 lbs. [Most of that in his head.]
Eyes: Blue Hair: Brown, with white temples

HISTORY
"While wandering the California hills [Which hills? California is a big place! Northern California? Santa Cruz? Los Angeles?] in an attempt to evade the law, petty criminal Hector Hammond accidentally discovered a fallen meteor that was causing nearby foliage to evolve into a form that would not exist for another 100,000 years [Untrue! It existed immediately!]. After carrying the meteor back to his hideout [How did he avoid exposure?], Hammond kidnapped four prominent scientists [Kidnapping? For a "petty criminal"? That meteor really caused him to up his game.] and exposed them to the meteor, which changed them into future-men whose heightened mental abilities were balanced by their weakened will power. Hammond forced the scientists to become inventors of items he later claimed he invented himself [Total dick move. I bet he was buddies with Multiplex.].

This brought Hammond to the attention of Green Lantern (see Green Lantern II) [What brought him to Green Lantern's attention? The use of high technology weapons or the stolen patents?], who had been searching for the missing scientists. After a lengthy battle, Green Lantern finally defeated Hammond, turned him over to the authorities, and restored the four transformed scientists to normal.

Escaping from prison months later, Hammond subjected himself to the rays of the meteor and changed himself into a future-man with an oversized brain. Determined to become immortal as well as master of the world, Hammond then adjusted the evoloution-meteor and bathed once more in its rays. Though the second exposure did indeed accomplish Hammond's goal, it also had an unexpected side effect, rendering he now immortal Hammond completely immobile.

Many times over the next several years, Hector Hammond pitted his super-futuristic mind against Green Lantern's power ring in an attempt to regain his mobility, but to date all Hammond's efforts in that direction have failed and he remains in a Federal penitentiary, a prisoner of his own body."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Incapable of any movement, Hector Hammond can be neither an athlete nor a hand-to-hand combatant [That's so disablist of the writers. Hector can be anything he puts his mind to! Ha ha!]. His greatest weapon is his futuristically evolved mind, with which he can gain temporary control over lesser, weaker minds, as well as attain some degree of telekinesis. Hammond can also create amazing futuristic weaponry and has, on occasion, used his mental powers to usurp temporary control of Green Lantern's power ring."

Superman #18

Do I really need to comment on this? Lobdell's name is on the cover and I really don't need my blood pressure to get any higher.

I'm going to add and subtract ranks for this comic book as I go. Often I'll read a Lobdell comic book with blood leaking out of my eyes, raving like a madman. And then I end the commentary with Superman dropping a single rank. Well, no more! I am embracing my bias completely until Scott Lobdell shows he can write a coherent story with well-developed characters. Every time I am even slightly irked by something in the comic book, I will drop this book's rank. And since it's currently ranked 45 out of 52, I predict it will be the worst comic in the new 52 before I'm even halfway finished with it.

Lobdell begins with an omniscient asshole narrating the comic. "His name is Orion. He is a New God. Obviously." Fuck you and your "obviously"! What is that even supposed to mean? I imagine there are a lot of people that don't really know Orion (shame on them for not reading Azzarello's Wonder Woman!), so it's not actually obvious. And if he means it's obvious because everybody reading should automatically recognize the names of all ancient, old, and forgotten Gods, that's simply idiotic. So because I'm already confused and put off by the narrator's attitude, Superman drops one rank!

Orion is currently in some place called "Undertown" where a recent catastrophe called "The Sunder" has released some creatures called "Behemoths" which haven't been seen for "a thousand thousand" years. That would be a million years for the maths challenged. The people of Undertown prayed to their Gods for help but the omniscient asshole declares their Gods are "indifferent" although he's "putting it politely" when he says that. Orion just happened to stop by to get out some frustrations by punching Behemoths in the mouth. He didn't even care about saving the people. But after he defeats the Behemoth, he says to the villagers, "You can come out now--cowards! No parade needed. Keep your animal sacrifices." Okay, so he's a dick. He wasn't there to save them anyway, so I can see why he tells them not to bother with any kind of worshipful thanks. Although I'm not sure why he calls them cowards when they're hiding from a creature that's about a thousand thousand times larger than they are. But I guess Orion was just kidding about not wanting to be acknowledged for the side effect of saving them when his main goal was just to blow off steam.

Judas Priest, give them a fucking chance! First you call them cowards. Then tell them to hold their applause. And then lash out at them because they didn't say thank you quickly enough? I'm pretty fucking sure they all would have been saying thank you in a loud chorus as soon as they crawled out of their hiding places. But this is a Lobdell comic book, so fuck that shit! That's expected, cliche bullshit! He'd rather go with a big surprise and have people not act the way people would actually act. Minus another rank!

Even though Orion has yet to kill the thing he was supposed to kill on Earth to save All
Time over in the pages of Wonder Woman, Highfather has called him home for a new task. Orion doesn't even know why he's so angry and believes it might be because Highfather keeps giving him stupid chores. I think it's because Wonder Woman wouldn't even flirt with him.

After wondering why he's so angry, Orion has a little think to himself as he flies off home to daddy.

So their emotions are ridiculous but yours are profound?

I'm fairly certain Orion's comment about humans and their ridiculous emotions is supposed to highlight how the New Gods aren't emotional. Although Orion was just thinking about how angry he was. So, um, minus one rank. But this bile about humans and their emotions is one of those tropes that I can't stand that continuously comes up in comic books. As if humans are the only race that has emotions and the only race that strives for goodness and the only race that never gives up. Humans are always picked out as special for one stupid ass reason or another. But there are many, many different alien species in the DC Universe and a good majority of them act just like humans do. And then Orion has an epiphany.

So that's why he's angry? Because he suddenly realized he's a boring piece of shit?

That was just the Prologue and it already cost Superman three ranks. And Superman wasn't even in it to defend himself! Well that will all change now that Chapter One has started and Superman is speaking to a room full of old white men. They need to know why he's built a fort at the top of the world. Oh! Oh! I know what Superman's answer should be! "What the fuck does that have to do with you, honky?"

My favorite part is how Superman objects to the "Fortress" of Solitude being categorized as a "Fortified Bunker". You should have named it The Bouncy Fun Time Castle of Cookies.

The old white men who have to be in control of everything or else they feel impotent and unsafe declare that Superman must allow inspectors into his Cookie Castle. And it's at that point when Superman says, "Fuck y'all, bitches!" That's what I think he should have opened with!

I was avoiding making any assumptions as to where these old white men were from but now that they've said The United States of America, I can solve Superman's problem!

Superman's response is absolutely the right one although he should go a little further. First off, he isn't actually a citizen of the United States of America. He may claim the country as his home but he has nothing to prove that he's a citizen (at least not as Superman). He can just tell them to fuck off and that he'll live where he pleases. Of course if he does that, he'll probably have INS on his ass whenever he shows it. But I don't think he should be speaking with Congress or whoever these jerks are without a lawyer. The Fortress of Solitude may not even lie within a part of the Arctic "owned" by any country. It probably floats around on a thick layer of ice or something. Superman should actually be more worried about what Russia thinks since his Fortress probably floats in or near waters they claim as their own and since he claims to be American, they might have some issues with this living arrangement. I think Superman should have just never acknowledged this hearing.

Oh, okay. This was international. And I guess Superman has consulted a lawyer!

When do people begin falling out of the sky like on the cover?

In Chapter Two, Clark Kent learns that Cat Grant wants to run a news and entertainment website with him. And she wants to name it ClarkCatropolis. Ugh.

Why hasn't DC done anything but link this domain to their Superman site?! Oh, probably because it's so fucking awful even they don't want to waste time on it.

Oh! And then everybody begins jumping off the roof to get away from the horrible Cat Grant and her awful business idea. Superman saves them all and they all assume Superman was behind it. Because let's just keep writing stories where nobody trusts Superman! I'm pretty sure that's the only story Lobdell has in him. Except for the Oracle one where he kept hyping the Oracle and then nothing came of it. That was a really terrific story there. Cat Grant tries to interview Superman for her shit website and the first question she asks him is not, "How come you saved everybody but Clark Kent? Where is he? Is he smashed on the pavement below?"

Cat Grant is a selfish prick that doesn't care that her potential business partner just disappeared. You read it here first, listeners! Have a Tesstastic day!

In the Epilogue to the story, we discover that Hector Hammond (bound in STAR Labs in a supposedly vegetative state) was the one that made everybody jump off the building. Unless he wasn't the cause. But if he wasn't the cause then I don't know how this is in any way an epilogue to the story. But I shouldn't sweat that since the Orion part wasn't actually a prologue to the story. Unless the Second Epilogue somehow connects the Prologue to the rest of the issue.

The Second Epilogue simply makes sure this comic drops another two ranks for two of my most hated tropes which come about due to a lazy writer: Prophecy directing character actions and impending threats to ALL OF EXISTENCE!

Superman #18 Rating: -5 Rankings. I'm not sure why Highfather says, "The wall shows us a world," when that world is obviously Earth. But then it explodes and Orion remembers the explosion. So is this an Earth from a different one of the 52 universes? And is the Superman that Orion sees as the great threat a Superman from a different one of the 52 universes? If this Earth blowing up is an alternate timeline, it has to be one of the other 51 universes because DC does not have Infinite Earths anymore. It simply has 52 alternate Earths. And each of the 52 Alternate Universes does not have an infinite amount of universes of that universe! Although that's kind of how things like Captain Atom and Legion Lost and Action Comics have been reading. So I'm probably wrong and DC actually does have Infinite Earths but they're too dumb to realize the situation they've put themselves back into.

Oh wait! I should give this comic book another drop in the ranks because I can't stand stories that focus on making the hero look like a bad guy. I'm especially sick of the everybody mistrusting Superman bullshit. Can we just move on and allow him to be a hero already?