Constantine #1

If this comic book fell through a time warp and landed in the suburbs in the early eighties, it would cause a Twilight Zone necrosis of the neighborhood as everyone began accusing everybody else of being devil worshipers.

I've got a whole stack of Hellblazer Trade Paperbacks to catch up on and here I am about to read Hellblazer Issue #301. I'm going to be real quick about this because I've got my alternate self from another dimension disrobing in the adjacent room where we're going to, umm, read poetry and junk. He's so sexy, guys! You wouldn't believe it. Actually, I should go check in on him instead of reading this comic book.

Oh. Never mind. It was just the full length mirror.

Right from Page One, Fawkes and Lemire begin establishing the perfect mood for this comic book. Constantine puts it all out there right at the beginning for any readers that just popped out of their mother's vaginas and are unfamiliar with this character.

He's a cheat. He's a thief. He's dangerous. And some thing about magic. I think that's new to his character.

Constantine goes on to mention how there's always a price to pay for using magic. The universe somehow needs to balance out the lack of cause when a sudden boon of effects takes place. And this has always been one of the reasons John Constantine has always been so dangerous to not only his enemies but his friends especially. Because John never wants to pay that price. He always seems to find somebody else to pay the price for him. He's a master of avoiding the bill. Maybe he gets a phone call and wanders away from the table. The bathroom is always a good excuse. Sometimes he just disappears. And occasionally he'll take his best friend in the world and shove him into a demon's maw because it's the only option left. He's a right bastard most of the time which makes him consistently one of the most interesting characters in the DC Universe.

Constantine's New York dwelling is quickly established: the sub-basement of a place called Dotty's Pets. The animals help interfere with divination magic which helps keep him cloaked from prying eyes. Constantine is given a patsy friend by the name of Chris that seems to be some kind of conduit for magic. It's painful and he wants John to help stop the pain but why the fuck would John do that? It seems Chris is useful in his condition or why else would John ask Chris to find him when the magical activity and pain begin to act up?

See? Useful.

The Introductory Box makes Constantine sound like he's some noble watcher of the magic, keeping everybody safe. But the part about preventing anyone from getting too powerful sounds about right if you just change the "too" to more and add "than Constantine" in place of the ellipsis.

Turns out Chris has the power to see mystic artifacts. The feeling comes upon him and he's able to map out the location of the object. Constantine has him map it out and then it's a race to the item like an episode of "Tales of the Gold Monkey".

And they're off to find Aleister Crowley's Compass!

Since Constantine doesn't seem to be able to fly a 1930's sea plane, he books a flight on Air Norway in his quest for the Compass. While on the flight, he meets a sexy flight attendant that tries to kill him, learns she works for The Cult of the Cold Flame, locks himself in the bathroom with her, and has an argument in Rune Alien Old Portugese Language Speak.

The argument doesn't end very well for the flight attendant.

To cast a disintegration spell, you need a lot of numbers and/or symbols and/or punctuation since what the flight attendant says is complete gibberish with a bunch of symbols I don't recognize. The same holds true for John's counter-spell. What's the etiquette for leaving an airplane bathroom after having disintegrated somebody? Leave the door open a tad so it'll air out? Shut the door completely so the people in the back row don't choke on the rank fumes? Flush multiple times?

Once John and his sidekick get to Norway, they realize the item they're looking for is in the super ritzy ice hotel that travel shows love to spotlight. Constantine also realizes that the compass is in three parts and they're merely looking for the needle right now. I didn't read the preview in the back of every comic book for the last few weeks, but I did look at it and I think it's about to happen now!

John gets the needle just before Sargon the Sorceress appears! Surprise! I mean, for everyone that hasn't been reading comic books for the last three weeks, "Surprise!" I'll just skip scanning in her picture since you all have a copy of that lying around in at least one comic book somewhere nearby. And if you don't, you have fucking Google.

Oh never mind! Here she is "threatening" John. I put threatening in quotation marks because I'm pretty sure threats involving killing someone other than Constantine don't actually work on Constantine.

I think the answer here is "Fuck you."

Before I get to the part that proves what I've been saying about Constantine from the beginning of this commentary, a piece of advice for Chris in his next incarnation: "When your job is to find magical artifacts for somebody, you don't help them find an artifact that allows them to find magical artifacts."

On the next page, Chris is turned into dozens of bloody chunks.

Constantine gets away with the needle while Sargon throws a gigantic fit and destroys the ice hotel. Now all the PBS travel shows are going to have to find a new destination.

Constantine #1 Rating: I'll begin this comic book at #17 because I'm completely biased when it comes to John Constantine. I've been a fanboy for a long, long time.

Supergirl #18

Really? Is that a thing? Is that why H'el was so strong? He was mainlining Kryptonite?

It looks like Supergirl has developed a severe case of Kryptonite poisoning from hiding the Kryptonite she used to defeat H'el in her panties. Does this cover mean that she's actually stronger due to the Kryptonite's influence? Or is this some kind of a Midwestern "it builds character" type of bullshit?

Even if Supergirl is under the influence of Kryptonite, at least she isn't caught up in a Tott Dedell storyline anymore! I have to say that H'el on Earth may have had the worst payoff of any comic book I've ever read in all my years reading comic books. How often did Scott Lobdell play up this Oracle thing only to have it play a few charades with Superman and then leave. So now Lobdell introduced two characters that were supposedly super powerful and he didn't explain either of them. Why did H'el have all the various powers he had? Why was he so much stronger than Superman? And what was this Oracle and why did it waste its fucking time traveling really, really, really slowly to Earth only to do nothing and head back home? I wonder if Scott Lobdell was surprised by how badly his story turned out. I wonder if he was disappointed with it and blamed the story as opposed to himself.

Scott Lobdell: "I waited all this time to find out what happened and it just petered out and sucked cosmic balls! Stupid story! How dare you surprise me with such a lame ending!"

Oh, I'm sorry, Supergirl! I often find myself sidetracked talking about Scott Lobdell. I wonder if he's one of those people that goes around proudly proclaiming, "Love me or hate me, at least I make you feel something!" Scott Lobdell makes me feel gassy.

And then I open the cover.

What in the nine fucking hells?!

I paid for a comic book featuring the stunningly cute Supergirl drawn by Mahmud Asrar, not Robson Rocha! I want my fucking money back, you Goddamned filthy cheating lying bitch bastards! I don't even know if I want to read this comic book now! I was in the mood to hop right back in the saddle with Mike Johnson and Mahmud Asrar (does that make me sound gay? I mean, gayer?) but instead I find myself shacked up with Frank Hannah and Robson Rocha?! Suck my cock! No, no. Not you, Frank. DC Comics!

I'm so angry I'm not even going to change the tags. Let people looking for Mahmud Asrar's Supergirl's Bum be severely disappointed when they find a Bum drawn by Robson Rocha. I don't even remember if I like Rocha's art or not! I just know I really, really liked Mahmud's look on this title and now that's over. Sad face.

Super sad face.

This issue begins with some narration from a not-quite-so-omniscient narrator.

This narrator isn't simply unreliable; he's confused.

Lex Luthor is definitely resting quietly. But that doesn't mean he isn't doing anything. See why the narrator was so confused? It was mistaking resting with being in a coma. What Lex Luthor is actually doing is having a meeting in his mind with Maxipussy (because she's an Octopus with way more than eight legs, pervert!), Appex (because that's what Luthor calls him), and The Overgrown Man (because fuck if I know what his real name). The meeting place is called his "solar-powered, techno-organic hub" and he can upload information from outside the prison. I knew this was just his vacation home.

While Lex is barely being updated by his stupid partners (who might be geniuses but compared to Luthor? Come on!), he notices that Supergirl was poisoned by Kryptonite. He finds this very interesting. He doesn't elaborate and I'm barely the 1,223,543,390th smartest person in the world, so how can I guess what the Smartererst Person in the World is thinking?! My guess is cupcakes.

To heal herself, Kara has just spent two weeks and two sets of double splash pages sitting on a satellite near the sun and absorbing as much sunlight as possible. Hey Frank, you asshole! First DC steals my money by pretending that a different creative team is writing this comic book and then you make my money worth even less by using four fucking pages to show Kara absorbing sunlight. NOW you can suck my cock.

The way Rocha draws these women, I can't tell what parts of them are clothed and which parts aren't! Am I titillated or not?! I'm as confused as the narrator!

Back inside Luthor's head, Maxipussy turns out to be somebody named Alphina. Does that make sense? Is there a reason for it? Or did Lex Luthor simply pick up a Directory of Super Villains and start picking teammates at the "A"s? They're trying to keep an eye on Supergirl but they lose her when she teleports from orbiting the sun to deep within the center of the Earth to The Block, Dr. Veritas's Omnilab.

Over at Starr Enterprises, Karen Starr and Somya are watching the news when they see some footage of Supergirl.

Geez! Calm down, Power Girl! She just said she looked like you. She didn't claim she was your long lost lesbian twin lover.

Supergirl decides she doesn't need Dr. Veritas poking around in her unmentionables to see how the Kryptonite affected them, so she storms out of The Block. Of course storming out of The Block just means she's now wandering around in the molten core of Earth. Whiles she's wandering around feeling terrific, she suddenly develops a Kryptonite-induced migraine and crashes into the lava where she meets an old friend of Superboy's.

I don't remember much about this creature because my commentary for Superboy #3 was mostly just pictures of boobs and butts.

At least the narrator and I aren't the only people confused by this woman.

"You stupid lava girl." Now that's how I like my comic book heroes to talk!

Supergirl flies straight up through the Earth with Stupid Lava Girl clinging to her. They enter space where Stupid Lava Girl loses her fire and turns human, after which they plummet to Earth and create a huge crater. Supergirl ends up unconscious and Stupid Lava Girl seeps into the ground when the military shows up to capture them. So now instead of having unwanted medical tests run on her, Supergirl is going to be experimented on by the military! So much better.

Meanwhile in her busy business meeting, Karen Starr's vagina explodes.

THRAAAAWSH is the Earth 2 equivalent of FWAAAAAASH.

Supergirl #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I have to apologize to Frank Hannah for telling him to suck my cock. Besides the four wasted pages, the rest of the comic book was well paced. I'm a bit loopy from lack of sleep, but this issue made me feel like I was reading a comic book from when I was a kid. It seemed to hit all the right beats. It had a gang of super villains plotting. It had a super hero rejecting a doctor telling her what's good for her. It had a fight with a naked lava woman. It had Power Girl's boobs. It had somebody calling somebody else stupid. There was a sort-of-omniscient narrator.

Normally I would "end" my Supergirl commentary with Supergirl's rear "end". But I'm retiring that feature until Mahmud Asrar is allowed back on this comic book!

Sword of Sorcery #6

What did Lucifer have to gain by having Exoristos bring the Black Diamond out of Hell? Does Lucifer gain the souls of anyone killed or possessed by Eclipso? And what is Eclipso if he's born from Hell? Just another demon and not a God? Hopefully this issue will elucidate the connection between Gemworld and The Black Diamond. Perhaps The Black Diamond actually originated in Gemworld. It was then brought to Earth. On Earth, it probably caused a lot of trouble before somebody banished it to Hell. Once in Hell, Lucifer probably found Eclipso was a fucking annoying prat, so he had Exoristos take the gem back to Earth. If The Black Diamond hadn't already been returned to its master (that weird doctor from Arkham), I'd believe that Constantine was now bringing it back to Gemworld where it belongs.

While Preet and Fuzzybutt are discovering that Preet's new Super S Turquoise Powers are good for creating disguises, Amethyst is learning what Sailor Star Amethyst Powers can do.

"Sapphires that keep beer cold, Diamonds that increase sexual potency, Opals that poison wine, Cubic Zirconia that engender falsehoods, Garnets that, well, who the fuck knows what Garnets do, and Black Diamonds that turn people into immortal assholes."

Later Amethyst gets to spend some time with Ingvie, her new best Gemworld friend ("That's prejudiced thinking of her as her 'Gemworld' friend!" "Thanks, Grandpa. Can we just catch some fish now?") who, being from House Citrine, has a photographic memory. So she can tell Amy anything she want's to know. Well, anything that she's spent the time studying.

Wouldn't you know she decided the "War of the Eclipse" wasn't new enough history to read about! What kind of historian is this girl? "That's Ancient History, so it's not worth knowing!" You're going to wish you knew it in a few pages, young lady!

If the power of Onyx neutralizes other Blood-Powers, then the two assassins that went after Amethyst's mom were horrible at their job. I guess since it's the Blood-Power of Onyx that neutralizes Blood-Powers, only the leader or leaders of House Onyx have that power. Just like Amethyst and her mom and her aunt all share the House of Amethyst Blood-Powers but nobody else has those. It's possible the Blood-Powers are separate from the regular powers of people of the Houses, but I'm not sure. Ingvie mentions House Citrine having "dormant powers" which makes me think all the regular people of each house have powers associated with the House. But only the leader and those the leader shares her powers with have the Blood-Powers.

Meanwhile in the House of Mystery, John Constantine is fucking around with his Magical Spy Mirror which he stole from the CEO of Supernatural Artifacts Incorporated in Chicago back in Swords of Sorcery #4. It's too bad he didn't have this mirror earlier. It would be a decent enough explanation for how he knows so much about all of the other characters in The New 52. But then again, Constantine has the House of Mystery and his sexy, charming, magical nature. Those things go a long way when one needs to learn secrets. Currently on the other side of the Magic Mirror is Eclipso.

My first reaction was to ask why would John do this? And then I remember, why does John do anything? There must be something for him to gain!

Back to Gemworld, Amethyst is busy putting away her study materials in the Turquoise Treasury when she runs into a creepy toucher. The guy paws at her skin but when he touches her, he transforms into Preet. Ingvie recognizes him instantly for what he is: the wild seed where House Turquoise Lord Firojha's power went after he was killed by Lady Akikra!

When Amy called Preet an idiot and pointed out he was stealing from himself, this cynical, stone-faced bastard laughed out loud.

Amethyst is able to subdue him with her mist-silk although it ends up with her falling all over him. Preet says, "I could get to like this...". But wouldn't he be her uncle? I'm just guessing that power of House Turquoise had to go to one of Lord Firojha's sons or else it would have gone to Amethyst since she's the next in line by blood. I guess he could also be her brother if Amethyst's father Vyrian had had a bastard son before marrying Lady Graciel. Which just made this new love interest super love interesting!

I had to Google for Lord Vyrian's name by putting "Amethyst's father" into Google. Google sent me to my commentary on Issue #5. Thanks, Google, for reminding me that my memory sucks!

Meanwhile in Death Valley, John Constantine meets up with Eclipso.

I've always been confused about how Eclipso works. Does he always have to have a human host? Is he currently inhabiting the Arkham Scientist whose name I can't remember but if I Googled, I'd learn it from one of my old commentaries?

Eclipso saying he's been exiled to this squalid world makes me think he's actually from Gemworld. So he either ends up in Hell after he's exiled from Gemworld which would mean he was exiled at least one thousand years ago. Or probably more since it's ancient history. One thousand years isn't quite ancient history enough! Well, not to me anyway. I guess to a teenaged girl of House Citrine, it might be. But that would mean the Black Diamond did end up in Hell somehow and it bothered Lucifer enough that he needed to get rid of it. Why he needed Exoristos to take it out is another story. But if Lucifer couldn't even stand him, it then Eclipso must be the worst roommate ever.

Constantine fires up the portal and gets ready to bid farewell to Eclipso. And he was here for so short a time! He only got to interfere with three titles! Unless there were more? Let's see...Team 7, All Star Western, and Catwoman. I think that was it! Good riddance, Moon Face!

Oh yeah! Alex Montez was his name. And he uses the alias "Bruce Gordon" which was the original Eclipso host's name. Before Eclipso became some kind of Vengeance God of the Moon.

Once Eclipso is through the portal with Amethyst, Constantine blows the crystal. By destroying the crystal, it releases the spirit of her father Lord Vyrian who flutters through the portal before it closes once and for all. I'm not completely sure Constantine knew that would happnen.

On Gemworld, the portal closes as well and Alex Montez wastes no time becoming Eclipso and blasting everybody with some Moon Prism Power, knocking them all unconscious. With all the goody-goody princesses out of his way, Eclipso wanders off to torment the racist Citrine Historian from last issue. Poor woman! If she only knew beforehand that she was going to star in a horror movie, she might have tried to hide her flaw! Now that she's been exposed as a racist, the audience won't mind when she gets killed and might even stand up and cheer.

Not that I would! I always feel really sad and cry whenever anybody dies in a movie.

Okay, that's not true. But it is true that I always cry whenever an animal dies in a movie! That scene in I Am Legend when Jazzy Jeff kills his dog. Oh my God! Stop manipulating me, movie makers! Or that scene in Of Mice and Men when the old man pisses and moans about not blowing his own dog's head off! Okay, that wasn't very sad. That was more annoying. But when Sherilynn Fenn gets her puppy neck broken, I bawled for ten minutes. Partly because I was beginning to masturbate thinking she was going to get naked. Scarred for life, I tell you! That'll teach me to think a scene where a puppy gets murdered would lead into nudity!

Oh yeah! Totally ancient history!

Eclipso tries to possess the racist but learns that he can't control anybody with the Blood-Power. That seems odd. He's the Master of the Moon, you'd think he'd be Master of Menstruation as well. Since he can't control this woman because she's on her period, he breaks her neck. Is this negative commentary on being a misogynist? How dare a comic book preach to me! If I want to travel to a fictional world and break a racist's neck, that's my prerogative!

I think I should get in better shape for Halloween. Eclipso would be a kick ass costume. Oh! And then I could wear it at a convention and call it a cosplay instead of a costume!

Once Lady Racist is killed, her Blood-Power transfers to Amy's bestie, Ingvie Malmsteen. Now Amethyst can't boss her around anymore because they're equals! Although Amethyst's are prettier than Citrines, so we know who's going to keep the power in that friendship. And then the story ends and my moratorium I called while reading DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire ends before I can even finish one more issue!

I said nobody else was to be "UNLEASHED!"

Now it's time to read about Stalker, The Man That Was Just Like Every Other Man in That He Didn't Have This Thing Called a Soul. Last month ended with his apartment being raided by Lucifer and a bunch of demons as his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great granddaughter was about to give birth to his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great great grandchild.

The mother dies in childbirth leaving Stalker to escape with the baby, find a man of God, steal a buttload (I prefer this over the actual "boatload") of salt, and barricade himself inside of a church to make his last stand against Lucifer.

Wasn't this the movie poster of every third action movie in the late eighties?

Sword of Sorcery #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. The moral of this issue of Amethyst is "Do not trust John Constantine." That's the moral of every comic book that features John Constantine. I have a feeling it'll be a regular motif in this month's new comic book, "Constantine." Amethyst is still young and naive and didn't really know John that well, so I can't blame her for falling for his cigarette smoking wiles.

DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire

The use of "UNLEASHED!" for the cover copy usually annoys me since nobody is actually ever leashed. But Starfire most definitely was throughout her youth. So I'll give it a pass this month. But no more characters UNLEASHED! from here on out.

Starfire's story begins with her killing a bunch of alien gorilla men. Some pen on paper journal entry narrator claims she came in promising liberation but bringing devastation. Well what do you want, slave? A whip across your back but relative peace or freedom and war? Make your cho--oh wait. Starfire just made the choice for you.

If I ever again find myself in a position where I know I'm going to die and somebody asks me this question, that's the answer I'm giving next time! "To give you hours of oral pleasure" may save your life until help arrives but it's not a story I'm particularly ready to tell my grandchildren! Although if my captor looks like Starfire next time, I think I'll definitely go with my original answer.

The Gorilla Aliens Kori kills are guards on a gigantic space ship filled to bursting with slaves from all over. The interior is not just composed of prison cells though. The guards she just killed kept watch over a small village of slaves with huge red beauty marks on their foreheads. I think it was a slave ship like this one that crashed in Roswell in 1947 causing Lobo to be imprisoned on Earth for many, many years. Kori was a slave to these aliens as a child but she escaped. This time it seems she allowed herself to be captured so that she could ruin the slavers day.

"Grow a backbone, you coward! Unless your race doesn't have backbones! I didn't mean any offense! Unless you take offense at me thinking you're a coward. Then I meant offense!"

So this guy confronts Starfire thinking she'll leave. But she doesn't. Instead, she cuts off both of his hands and tells him to shut the fuck up or get the fuck out. I'm pretty sure he's going to betray his own people simply to get back at Starfire for humiliating him. Oh, and maiming him.

What I meant to say was that the reader will suspect that he'll betray Starfire but it will really be Starfire's little pal! So totally obvious. You really thought I thought that other thing for real? Ha! No way!

The village kicks Kori out now that she has a scout ship and can leave the vessel. They'd rather be alive and slaves than dead and dead. I guess the saying would typically go something like "free and dead" but if you're dead who the fuck cares about anything else? Slave and dead, or free and dead. It's all fucking the same thing! So Kori gets away and then the person that wanted to purchase her as a slave is revealed!

It's Fin Fang Foom! From the Speedy Issue!

DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire Rating: No change. What the fuck is wrong with you, Fin Fang Foom?! You know what it's like to be a slave and now you're dealing with slavers? Asshole. The timing on this thing is weird but I guess I can sort of make it work. Maybe. While Speedy was freeing Fin Fang Foom, Jason Todd and Kori were putting Nuts and Bolt in jail. But immediately after that, I guess Kori was captured by the slavers. Then she spent about an hour putting the lives of the red spotted people in danger before she was kicked out and escaped. It couldn't have been too long since Fin Fang Foom wanted her captured and he could have only given the order while free of his hypno-neck leash. And since Fin Fang Foom's previous master still has a black eye from his fight with Speedy and Fin Fang Foom, I think all of this Kori stuff happened in the space of a day or two. That works!

This comic book wasn't bad which is why I didn't lower the ranking. But it's the kind of comic book you forget about immediately after bagging it and putting it away. Just not much going on in it. Unless you like stories that teach Kori that not everybody wants what she has to give. Then you might cherish this as the best story ever told!

Nightwing #18

I suppose Dick is going to blame himself for Damian's death since he was right there and couldn't stop it.

Last issue ended with Damian trying to help Dick process what The Joker did and said. It was a nice conversation and a nice moment and I wonder if Kyle Higgins knew Damian was going to be dead when he wrote it. I think if Higgins knew, he would have spent more than a couple of pages on their conversation. But that's exactly the way it should have been, I think. Dick couldn't have known that Damian was going to be dead within the week. He makes future plans with Damian. They vow to spend more time together. And then death happens. Just like real life. So now Nightwing has Damian's death to process as well as the rest of his life falling apart. Nightwing is not in a good place.

The art isn't in a very good place either.

Did I ever mention that time I harshly critiqued one of Marcus To's Justice League International covers and he posted about it? Artistically, the cover really wasn't bad and I think his work is some of the best. But the composition was horrible and I was probably in one of my moods and I'd probably just read another stinking issue drawn by Rob Liefeld and I was simply at my most hyperbolic and venomous and what I said really was completely unfair. So I ripped it apart. He found it and commented on it. I messaged him and said some nice stuff. No harm done. But his fans hated me for saying what I said! And one of the most common retorts was "Let's see how well he draws!" As if my art somehow limits my ability to judge whether a hand is drawn properly or not. It seems that if you hate the way something is drawn, you're not allowed to say so or explain why unless you can draw better. But if you like the way something is drawn, you're allowed to say so without ever offering up how well you can draw. And apparently your opinion only matters if you can draw as well or better than the artist you're critiquing.

Also, I probably shouldn't be able to judge writers so harshly when I've never written a comic book published by an actual publisher. I hate people that put limits on who can say what and who can do whatever. Let people be negative as well as positive! If the person ranting actually has a point or something to add to the overall conversation (the conversation being Life), don't tell them to shut up simply because you don't like what you're hearing. Now if I had simply said, "Marcus To is an asshole and his art sucks," please, have at me. But I explained why I didn't like the cover and some of it was poorly said and the art was actually well done but I still think the composition for the cover was unimaginative and lazy.

It's also good to call out people like me who run their mouths and often don't actually mean everything they say and can sometimes be a bit too mean-spirited. But if you do call me out, I'll just post that you're a jerk who doesn't know anything and should probably shut the hell up.

I guess I'm trying to explain why I can look at the above panels and say, "Holy heck! When did Sophia Branch contract some kind of degenerative facial disease?!"

Later that night, Batman shows up as if nothing has changed. Forget that he lied to everyone. Forget that he caused The Joker to fuck with Dick and completely screw up his life. Forget that Damian just recently died while Nightwing was only twenty feet away. Batman can still show up, tell Nightwing to get dressed, and they're swinging through Gotham in silence not ten minutes later.

Thank you, Kyle Higgins. At least somebody is remembering that Death of the Family should have had some kind of lasting effect on how members of the Bat Family feel about Batman.

Batman leaves Dick to deal with The Dealer himself. Is this Batman being charitable? Is this what passes for emotion or an apology in Batmanland? "You know what Dick might like to cheer himself up? Cracking a few heads and saving his father's tights! And if I help him to do that, he'll forgive my atrocious ability to be an intimate and a friend!"

The Dealer and his henchmen hang out in gas masks. I don't know if that's mostly for disguise or because he likes to use gas in his criminal activities. Whatever the case, Dick actually goes into battle using a rebreather. That means he's smarter than Batman who attacks The Scarecrow in his hideout without using any kind of gas mask. Because The Scarecrow isn't nearly exclusively known for fucking people up with gas or anything.

Once the auction is ruined, The Dealer sets everything ablaze with one of the items on sale. All of the auction items burn up and some of the horrible people trying to buy The Dealer's deranged goods become trapped by the fire. If this is the way The Dealer conducts an auction, I have a feeling he's not going to be in the business for very long. Burning the items you just sold is one thing. Burning the items AND the customers? Not even in Gotham, sir.

How do you show your face in your circle of evil friends once you call for help from one of the superheroes you hate so much? The shame. The shame!

The next day, Dick Grayson goes back to visit Damian's grave because he can finally bring voice to his feelings.

This scene was really, really touching and it absolutely made me tear up, so forgive me when I turn into a cynical bitch in the next sentence. You just wish you could have been there for him? YOU WERE THERE! You were groggy and near unconscious and unable to save his ass, you gigantic failure!

I get the feeling that Kyle Higgins wasn't exactly aware of the particulars of Damian's death when he wrote this scene. It doesn't really change that much but I would expect Dick to be really blaming himself for his part in Damian's death. Not that Dick is to blame at all! But he was thoroughly enjoying that moment in Batman Incorporated when he and Damian were working together again. And then Nightwing was knocked out and Damian tried his best to defeat Talia's Batthing and failed. And Dick would see that failure as partially (if not mostly) his own failure for not protecting Damian. I'm sure if Dick could have stood at the end of that fight, he would have died in Damian's place. Perhaps when things settle down and Kyle is completely in control of this book without the other Bat Forces acting on it, he'll take some time to allow Nightwing to reflect on that scene more.

Until then, Dick is feeling better and ready to try to get into Sonia's panties. But first Sonia has something to show him that could potentially destroy their relationship. Maybe you can guess what it is from Dick's reaction (and knowing the seven or eight Preboot years previous to The New 52 better than I do!)?

My guess: a sex tape was released starring Sonia and Starfire?

Oh! I guess I don't have to wait until next month to find out like I thought I was going to have to. Apparently Sonia's father, Tony Zucco, is still alive! He's part of some criminal organization in Chicago. Or maybe he's helping law enforcement? That could be complicated! Anyway, the guy that killed Nightwing's parents is still alive. So now Nightwing has to deal with this shit too!

Nightwing #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was all over the fucking place, from horrible to not very good. So I guess it wasn't ALL over the place. Just all over the bad side of the place. But I liked the rest of the book. And I'm glad Nightwing hasn't quite forgiven Bruce for the shit he put everybody through by not being honest about The Joker. And since Nightwing's amusement park has been destroyed, he has nothing left to keep him in Gotham for now. Hello Chicago!

Vibe #2

How does Vibe even get into this position? I thought the main point of his power was it could vibrate Parademons into nonexistence.

Writing a little something every day is a superb way to track the fluctuations in your brain chemistry. The past week or so, I haven't really felt like writing commentary on comic books but I keep at it because I don't know how not to. The thing I dislike most about writing while in this mood is the way my manic thoughts seem dulled. The commentaries just don't pop when my mind isn't throwing five thoughts at me at once. It colors my reactions as well. I've been waiting all year for Morrison's ultimate issue of Action Comics and I was barely able to plod through it, walking away four or five times while reading it. I really just want to crawl into bed and sleep.

Instead, I'm going to read a comic book about one of the worst comic book characters in DC History. And I don't think giving him the power to get a headache when he's near other-dimensional creatures is helping his reputation. Oh! Don't forget his inability to be photographed. I have some family members that might actually pick that power as their answer when asked, "If you could have one super power, what would it be?" My first reaction is immortality but what good would that be without invulnerability! Just ask Koschei the Deathless! The Deathstroke version, not the Russian fairy tale version. Super speed would suck because you would constantly be waiting for everyone or everyone would constantly want you to run their errands. Although I might like the metabolism of a speedster. Flight would be fun but, again, I think I'd pass if invulnerability wasn't thrown in as a freebie. I think the power I'd like is to make my farts smell like cows so that on road trips, I could fart in the car and everybody would roll the windows up.

Last issue, Vibe was tricked into joining Justice League of America and working for that lying prick, Amanda Waller. This issue, Detroit proves that it is indeed an inter-dimensional nexus.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody.

The alien above is merely saying, "Alien Language." No, no. It's Runespeak, sir! Or Old Portugese [sic]! Although the alien isn't claiming to be saying what he's speaking. Perhaps he simply has a speech impediment that causes him to say the same two things over and over. Or those are the only two words in his language. I don't know what dimension this guy is from but he kind of looks like a Parademon in Cthulu Drag.

While this monster is sneaking into our dimension under cover of Detroit, Cisco (Vibe!) is busy showing his costume to his soon-to-be-super-villain brother. Of course Amanda Waller (who is watching everything through his glasses that record all of the action but Cisco doesn't realize are always on because Amanda Waller is a gigantic snoop) can't believe Vibe is already blowing his secret identity. And she has every right to be annoyed! Dante is going to be trouble!

The Shadowy Egghead will probably be trouble as well.

I looked up "Shadowy Egghead" in the Who's Who and there was no entry for him. They must have forgotten him when they sent it to print.

Shadowy Egghead turns out to be Agent Gunn (I think?). He's come by to lecture Vibe about telling people his secret identity. Now Amanda Waller has Dante categorized as a "Probable Incompetent Super Villain Threat That Will Die When He's Used By A More Competent Super Villain To Get At The Justice League Of America." Or "Lazy Bum." Amanda Waller can never be too careful.

Meanwhile the Cthuluian Drag Queen is busy watching news reports about the country of Kahndaq (sounds familiar!) and a terrorist group called The Sons of Adam (Captain Atom's cult?) and the "controversial Stagg Industries Refinery" (Metamorpho's in-laws!). Oh, he also hears the news report say, "A.R.G.U.S." and the Cthuluian Drag Queen freaks the fuck out.

Vibe is supposed to meet the other members of the Justice League of America in the morning, so he heads home to research them online.

Just in case anyone forgot that Hawkman is now more like the Preboot Hawkman than the Tony Daniel/Rob Liefeld colostomy bag from The New 52.

Eventually Vibe gets another headache because the Cthuluian Drag Queen is close to his house. Agent Gunn calls to let him know they've picked up a strange reading as well. The Justice League of America can sense the inter-dimensional beings but they need Vibe to track down their specific location and to send them back where they came from or destroy them. But being a military organization, I don't think they have any current plans for what to do when the creature just wants to talk.

The Note (horizontally flipped): "I REALLY LOVE MY GIRLFREIND MAITE, SHE TRULY IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME." Well, um, thanks, Alien! I'm sure Vibe will be happy to pass the message along.

Agent Gunn (who I'm willing to believe is the same Gunn from the television show Angel after Amanda Waller resurrected him to give him a government job dealing with monstrous beasts because he had so much experience) kills the monster and lies to Vibe just like a good government agent should. Fuck the truth of things when you can just kill stuff to try and maintain control. He claims the note was a formal declaration of war and Vibe just saved the world. Oh! So you can stop a war by killing the person handing over the declaration? That's good to know! Lots of lives saved! The note is confiscated and given to Amanda Waller.

Even though I just translated the letter, Amanda Waller gives it to the person they have in the Circus that can read it: Gypsy. This is apparently in Gypsy's native tongue. So Old Portugese [sic]/Runespeak/Alien Language is Gypsy's native language? So does that mean she comes from the same place that Peraxxus came from? A lot of people sure do like this language. It's more popular than Interlac. Gypsy says the note is from her father and that Gypsy should return home. But Amanda isn't letting Gypsy go anywhere, so Amanda wants Gypsy to pen a response saying something like, "Having a hell of a time. Wish you were here! But, umm, don't come anywhere near here because it's too much fun!" But since Amanda can't read the thing, what's to stop Gypsy from writing back, "Captured by miserable bitch. Send troops now."

A day later, Vibe is in Washington DC ready to meet his teammates. While he's waiting for the ten o'clock meeting, Vibe is discussing the setup with his brother over the phone.

It's a wonder anybody ever arrives for a Legion of Doom meeting with this kind of thinking.

And then Vibe and the rest of the Justice League of America are introduced to the public as the most free, Godly, democratic, wealthiest but caring, smartest, best, greatest heroes ever created in the entire world! The Americans cheer wildly while the rest of the world rolls their eyes and makes whacking off motions. During the show, Amanda is already setting up plans to make sure Vibe fights with Kid Flash to establish that he's a real hero by fighting another real hero.

Vibe #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was an enjoyable enough way to pass the time. It held my interest. I was entertained.

New Guardians #18

Carol Ferris, this is your lucky day! A life without Hal Jordan!

Go ahead, Volthoom! Remove Hal Jordan from Carol Ferris's life! You'll be doing her a favor! He's never given her anything but a broken heart and a bladder infection! You were a strong, independent woman running your own company and then he came along to fill you with false hopes of romantic nights and a happy family. And he got you tangled up in all of this cosmic bullshit. Good riddance!

Although the fact that you're about to get raped by Volthoom probably makes a life with pathetic Hal Jordan seem palatable. Sorry.

In Volthoom's version of reality, Carol Ferris's father has killed himself and his company has been taken over by Leviathan Defense Systems. On the plus side, she's a pilot and she gets to yell at and criticize Hal Jordan all day!

Hey DC! Give this artist, Hendry Prasetyo, more work on New 52 titles!

Volthoom believes that if Carol was aware of her "real" life, she'd choose this one instead. But isn't that just like a control freak to think they know better than you? I mean, I did it in a previous paragraph! But even if Volthoom or I can point out dozens of reasons why her life would be better without Hal Jordan, she'd never choose to live differently. Heroes never regret anything because their egos won't allow them to believe they've ever made a mistake. Look at John Stewart over in Green Lantern Corps rationalizing all of the murders he's committed! And Superman not wanting Ms. Nyxly to use her wish to alter his life to the way it originally was before Vyndktvx screwed it up. Which is a really interesting thought because Superman knows his life was supposed to be another way and yet he chooses to keep the fucked up version of his life. Now I know Superman made that sacrifice to help save other lives, so that's what makes him a hero. But even if he didn't have a promise to keep to save Noah and his family, I have a feeling he couldn't choose to change things back if he wanted to. There's a certain amount of self-preservation in the choice. Changing things means killing the person that chooses to have things changed. That person ceases to exist. In essence, once you choose to have a moment in the past changed, you are killing yourself to let some other person (even if it is another version of you) live. I think I'm saying Superman's choice is less noble and more cowardly than it would appear.

After feeding on Carol's emotions and letting her go back to her normal life since Volthoom is still powerless to change everything completely, Volthoom heads off to mess with Larfleeze. Volthoom gives Larfleeze his greatest wish and places him back with his family. The first thing Larfleeze does is steal his son's birthday present. I have a feeling a few billion years of being a greedy son of a bitch is hard to filter out of a person's essence.

Hey! I used "palatable" earlier! We're word twinsies, Volthoom!

Volthoom also torments Saint Walker. Then he torments Carol some more. Then he changes some other things in Larfleeze's life around the time of Green Lantern: Agent Orange. Woah woah woah. Wait a second. This Volthoom IS all-powerful!

He just changed reality in such a way that editorial was allowed to reference a Preboot Trade Paperback!

Well now. This is an interesting turn of events. While DC has allowed many, many story elements to remain from Preboot History to New 52 History, I believe this is the first time that editorial has been allowed to reference a Preboot Comic Book. Is this a mistake on editor Wil Moss's part? Or is this a step to try to sell Preboot books to new fans that jumped on board with The New 52? Is DC going to start labeling Preboot Trade Paperbacks as "New 52 Continuity Friendly"?

Although forgetting about the weird mention of a Preboot Trade, let me take a moment to reread that final Narration Box a dozen more times. "...allowing him the focus to slay the hated Guardians." So good! Can this reality be permanently instituted? I'm pretty sure with the Guardians killed, 75% of DC Comic Books are never written. Or they just have heroes sitting around playing board games because the universe is a much safer place.

Volthoom finally gives up trying to make Larfleeze feel more than avarice because Larfleeze is too fucking awesome. That seemed like a perfectly reasonable reason when it was still inside my head.

Meanwhile Carol Ferris sees through Volthoom's ruse because she's too fucking awesome. I never really thought she was but since I used the same reasoning for Larfleeze, I figured I should use the same reasoning for Carol. But then I've never read any stories with her as a Star Sapphire. Maybe I owe Carol Ferris another look.

Obviously Larfleeze is still much cooler.

In this fake reality, Carol flies off to find Kyle Rayner. I'm not sure how that works since Volthoom is only fucking with her mind. He lacks the power to make this a persistent world. Perhaps she simply flies off in the "real" world to find Rayner and compare notes. In the meantime, Volthoom needs to go suck out Atrocitus's rage (unless he goes after Rankorr or Bleez or someone).

New Guardians #18 Rating: No change. I think mentioning a Preboot Trade Paperback may have been a huge mistake on DC's part. The facade has cracked. They've now permanently linked not just shared history between the Preboot and the Reboot but the physical comics themselves. The boundary between the old universe and the new universe has just been blurred even more. Pretty soon it won't even matter and everything will become more confusing than being The Silver Scarab after Crisis on Infinite Earths.