DC Universe Presents #19: Beowulf

Yay! Beowulf!

I hope Beowulf gets his own full Earth so he can be written like an Elseworlds comic book. Although the way DC is handling future, alternate timelines so poorly, it hardly matters. I guess Beowulf can take place wherever the fuck he wants whether or not his time actually exists or comes to pass or whatever. I think I've hit my quota on ranting about DC's alternate timelines. Although maybe this won't be an alternate timeline at all! Maybe this will be the Beowulf's creation which will lead everyone down the path that eventually ends up in the future dystopia seen in the Beowulf back-up stories in Sword of Sorcery. I'd much prefer that to be the actual future of Earth Prime over the Legion of Super-heroes' future.

The issue begins with a scientist named Gwen Pierce futzing around with a Bronze Age object from the future with properties to enable the user to catch glimpses of other worlds. Yay! Beowulf is from another world! I wish more of The New 52 comic books were following characters from Beowulf's world! We could have The Grendel and Tales of Hrothgar and Chupacabra and Beowulf's Sex Dungeon and Mother Machine's Monster Men and A.R.G.U.S. (Armored Radical Goats Usurping Sapiens) and Batman of Earth 26 (because I'm giving Earth 26 to Beowulf because it's the best world!). I wish I lived on a different Earth or in a different timeline where my DC Comics' fantasies were the reality!

By bathing the Torc in Spectralchemical Unuents, Gwendolyn causes a beast called the Puta to transfer from Earth 26 to Earth Prime. Not long after the Puta arrives and turns into a mirror image of Gwen, Beowulf appears in a fwash of vagina.

Is it sexist of DC to have a vagina exploding sound effect and not a penis exploding sound effect? Or is the penis exploding sound effect simply, "SPLURT!"?

To identify whether or not Earth Prime's Gwendolyn is not actually the Puta, Beowulf gives her a sniff. That seems about right! He says, "You smell human enough but your garb marks you as a sorceress." She's wearing a lab coat and a skirt. So that seems about right as well! Beowulf believes he's in a castle where the Puta must be stopped. And he kind of is.

Did this just turn into a comedy? And why is Green Lantern being so threatening in that Museum Justice League Exhibit Hanging?

The Puta escapes the museum and begins fucking with Superman's reputation by manhandling a police officer. That's all Superman needs right now! More people not trusting him! Especially since Scott Lobdell is writing Superman and Lobdell's only philosophical attitude toward writing Superman is the dichotomy of "Is he a Hero?" or "Is he the first wave of an alien invasion to conquer Earth?"

Are we supposed to be impressed? I'm pretty sure most people can follow the Puta by its scent.

Before Gwendolyn continues on with Beowulf, she insists on learning his story because she hasn't been reading Sword of Sorcery. Shame! That's probably why it was canceled, Dr. You Probably Read Teen Titans and Superboy. After defeating Grendel's mother, Beowulf realized he hadn't defeated Grendel's mother. She created the Puta to beguile Beowulf. But knowing that Beowulf was too powerful for her creations, she decided to exile him from Earth 26 by using the Torc. Now Beowulf's only chance of returning home is the scientist/sorceress (I hope she goes home with him!). But first he must defeat the Puta.

Meanwhile the Puta doesn't quite understand pop culture.

"Why do you laugh at me?! I am king of the ocean! I speak to fish! I swim really, really well!"

Beowulf shows up and finishes the Puta in two strokes. After that, it's back to the Museum and back to Earth 26 with a new sidekick, Sorceress Gwendolyn!

They're back just in time for Beowulf to destroy the Phallus!

DC Universe Presents #19: Beowulf Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope DC realizes Tony Bedard has a superb world vision here and they allow him to expand on it in the future. I think this was the last issue of DC Universe Presents. While this comic book had its problems (highlighting characters from shitty comics and keeping them fairly shitty and story arcs that went far too long for a comic used to highlight various characters), I liked that DC had a place to showcase currently unused characters. Of course they often chose to showcase characters in team books which was always disappointing. I really think this book would have worked much better if it were $3.99 without a back-up story and each story arc should have gone no more than two issues at most. I think that would have encouraged people to pick up the title even when they weren't completely interested in the character, like Challengers of the Unknown. I think that arc might have been the death knell for this comic. Overall, I thought the story was well done and entertaining, providing a good jumping off point for the characters in the Reboot. But it went on far too long for anybody not interested in checking them out. One issue? People might have purchased it and then stuck around for the next character. But it went three issues after Deadman began with a huge five issue story. That's eight months of comic books avoided by people that don't care about Deadman or the Challengers. Oh well. I'm sure DC will come out with SHOWCASE 2014 next January. I'll be up for that!

DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire

The use of "UNLEASHED!" for the cover copy usually annoys me since nobody is actually ever leashed. But Starfire most definitely was throughout her youth. So I'll give it a pass this month. But no more characters UNLEASHED! from here on out.

Starfire's story begins with her killing a bunch of alien gorilla men. Some pen on paper journal entry narrator claims she came in promising liberation but bringing devastation. Well what do you want, slave? A whip across your back but relative peace or freedom and war? Make your cho--oh wait. Starfire just made the choice for you.

If I ever again find myself in a position where I know I'm going to die and somebody asks me this question, that's the answer I'm giving next time! "To give you hours of oral pleasure" may save your life until help arrives but it's not a story I'm particularly ready to tell my grandchildren! Although if my captor looks like Starfire next time, I think I'll definitely go with my original answer.

The Gorilla Aliens Kori kills are guards on a gigantic space ship filled to bursting with slaves from all over. The interior is not just composed of prison cells though. The guards she just killed kept watch over a small village of slaves with huge red beauty marks on their foreheads. I think it was a slave ship like this one that crashed in Roswell in 1947 causing Lobo to be imprisoned on Earth for many, many years. Kori was a slave to these aliens as a child but she escaped. This time it seems she allowed herself to be captured so that she could ruin the slavers day.

"Grow a backbone, you coward! Unless your race doesn't have backbones! I didn't mean any offense! Unless you take offense at me thinking you're a coward. Then I meant offense!"

So this guy confronts Starfire thinking she'll leave. But she doesn't. Instead, she cuts off both of his hands and tells him to shut the fuck up or get the fuck out. I'm pretty sure he's going to betray his own people simply to get back at Starfire for humiliating him. Oh, and maiming him.

What I meant to say was that the reader will suspect that he'll betray Starfire but it will really be Starfire's little pal! So totally obvious. You really thought I thought that other thing for real? Ha! No way!

The village kicks Kori out now that she has a scout ship and can leave the vessel. They'd rather be alive and slaves than dead and dead. I guess the saying would typically go something like "free and dead" but if you're dead who the fuck cares about anything else? Slave and dead, or free and dead. It's all fucking the same thing! So Kori gets away and then the person that wanted to purchase her as a slave is revealed!

It's Fin Fang Foom! From the Speedy Issue!

DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire Rating: No change. What the fuck is wrong with you, Fin Fang Foom?! You know what it's like to be a slave and now you're dealing with slavers? Asshole. The timing on this thing is weird but I guess I can sort of make it work. Maybe. While Speedy was freeing Fin Fang Foom, Jason Todd and Kori were putting Nuts and Bolt in jail. But immediately after that, I guess Kori was captured by the slavers. Then she spent about an hour putting the lives of the red spotted people in danger before she was kicked out and escaped. It couldn't have been too long since Fin Fang Foom wanted her captured and he could have only given the order while free of his hypno-neck leash. And since Fin Fang Foom's previous master still has a black eye from his fight with Speedy and Fin Fang Foom, I think all of this Kori stuff happened in the space of a day or two. That works!

This comic book wasn't bad which is why I didn't lower the ranking. But it's the kind of comic book you forget about immediately after bagging it and putting it away. Just not much going on in it. Unless you like stories that teach Kori that not everybody wants what she has to give. Then you might cherish this as the best story ever told!

DC Universe Presents #16: Black Lightning & Blue Devil

The Creature Commandos have their title cancelled and already these movie monster scabs are trying to take their place.

Last issue Blue Devil had his suit of demon skin stolen by Nebiros. But since the skin was originally Nebiros's skin, I guess that's technically not stealing. But Black Lightning wasn't definitely more than technically shot by Tobias Whale. Delightning (that's the team of Blue Devil and Black Lightning! I'm sure DC wants this duo to be called Black & Blue but I prefer Delightning) tracked down Tobias Whale and Nebiros because they wanted to stop their drug running operation. They also wanted to save Black Lightning's dad. But they might have failed because Black Lightning is now mortally wounded and Blue Devil is naked.

I should probably say Daniel Cassidy is naked because the Blue Devil suit (skin) was torn apart when Nebiros tried to stuff his fat ass into it. Apparently he's gained a few inches since he had his skin torn off by Etrigan. Feeling fat and not so pretty, Nebiros can't handle killing Daniel Cassidy on his own right now. So he brings some of the wax figures to life so they can tear Daniel apart.

Fucking scabs. This is why Frank, Griffith, and Velcoro lost their jobs! Bastards.

I haven't forgotten about Black Lightning but since he's bleeding out on the floor, his story just isn't as exciting as Cassidy being attacked by old time movie monsters. But I should probably see what else is going on since Tobias Whale hasn't forgotten about him either. Whale goes to put an end to Black Lightning when Black Lightning decides to give up on his non-killing philosophical viewpoint. He's dying so why shouldn't the guy who killed him die as well?

See? See you in hell is the type of thing you say to someone you're intending to kill.

Cassidy realizes Black Lightning is dying and how the fuck can he go on with the sassy name of Delightning if his partner dies. I guess Lightning is still trapped somewhere in The Red. If he finds her, he could keep up the nickname. But it would probably be easier to save Jefferson Pierce. With that in mind (yes, he contemplated all of that. It's so obvious), he slides back into the torn apart Blue Devil skin and it reattaches. Now he has enough magic to destroy the monster scabs and illegally hunt Whale and send Nebiros back to hell and heal Black Lightning and untie Black Lightning's dad and massage his wrists and get him a glass of water.

Says the gigantic green demon from hell.

Except he apparently doesn't have the time or the power to save Black Lightning from death. But Nebiros does. So Blue Devil makes a deal with Nebiros: Nebiros will heal Black Lightning if Blue Devil lets Nebiros live. Blue Devil accepts. Now Blue Devil has even more reason to have his own comic book. He's got a warehouse full of dangerous yet humiliated magical artifacts that can cause a lot of trouble and he's got an arch-enemy that wants him killed. And, of course, if he allows Black Lightning to tag along, the comic can be called Delightning. We all win! And by we I mean me.

Black Lightning is revived but he's a complete douchebag now. Nebiros added a twist of evil to him when he brought him back. But isn't that always the way? There's a cost to this stuff and nothing ever comes back the same. You reap what you sow and then the cat fucking stinks to high heaven. All of that stuff. But Blue Devil isn't going to let Nebiros get away with it! He decides to back out on his deal as well. Although technically Nebiros didn't back out. And I guess technically Blue Devil isn't either! He's letting Nebiros go but in the body of Tobias Whale.

I'm not sure what he did with Tobias Whale's soul. It might have been stored in his trident.

Everything works out for the people things are supposed to work out for (not counting Dan Cassidy's grandfather who is still dead). And the issue ends with "The Beginning!" Oh, how terribly trite.

DC Universe Presents #16: Black Lightning and Blue Devil Rating: No change. I would have enjoyed more funny dialogue in this series but, hey, you can't be funny all the time! Look at my blog. 1000 posts and maybe 5% make me really laugh. And entertaining myself is the most important thing in the world. And I don't just mean my world. All you slackers out there on Earth need to get busy entertaining me. Stop being so boring! The people I follow on Tumblr and those that follow me and/or comment on my commentaries are excluded from the "boring" label because you are entertaining me. And I thank you!

Besides the not being as funny as I would have liked, this comic did a lot of things right. Minus the Kid Flash episode, the stories in DC Universe Presents have been very good at telling a concise story introducing characters to the New 52 and setting up a broader storyline that can continue to be told in the future. "The Beginning" ending might very well be trite but it is reasonably true as well. There was a lot of material presented in this three issue arc that could easily be mined to support an ongoing monthly series. Good job!

DC Universe Presents #15: Black Lightning & Blue Devil

Guest starring an army of Skrulls!

I'm enjoying DC Universe Presents but it really should cut down the length of the stories to one or two issues. They should raise the price of the comic by fifty cents and flesh it out with four more pages. For me, the draw of this type of comic book is seeing who gets spotlighted every month. After two issues, I feel like I saw enough of the worlds of Black Lightning and Blue Devil and I'm ready to move on. Although Blue Devil could already have a successful monthly comic book after the B-Movie Studio humiliating magical artifacts plot idea. That was simply marvelous.

This issue begins with, I believe, Black Lightning trying on Blue Devil's demon skin.

It's probably a little tight in some places. Oh, you know what places I'm talking about!

Elsewhere in town, Tobias Whale has a new drug on the street that turns the user into an unholy monster from the pits of Hell. Overdosing on the stuff is okay unless your friends panic and rush you into a church until help arrives.

I've never once had a medical emergency where I said, "Quick! Get this man to a church!" Although I did once help a kid that landed a bicycle jump on his face into a school. Nobody exploded.

Back to the main attraction, Daniel Cassidy and Jeff Pierce have taken to getting coffee together. Cassidy wants to team up as Delightning to take down Tobias Whale and get his demon drugs off of the street. But Pierce has yet to lose a family member to the bad guy, so he's not sure he wants to hang out with a guy that wears the skin of a demon. It just seems like a bad idea. But since Jefferson Pierce's dad is an investigative journalist and he's planning on meeting Tobias Whale (or Nebiros (or one of their underlings)) later that night for a scoop, I have a feeling Pierce might soon have the motivation to tackle the Whale. Should I have said harpoon there?

Pierce's dad won't let him tag along for backup, so Pierce decides to go after the big fat white Whale with Blue Devil.

Blue Devil has no qualms about eviscerating the so-called bad guys. Perhaps when they look like zombies, there's an unspoken super hero agreement that it's okay to kill them.

Black Lightning refuses to zap these guys with too much power because he doesn't want to kill anyone. But Blue Devil, having a sense of magic and mumbo jumbo, tells Black Lightning that they're already dead, so it's okay this time.

While Delightning is mopping up the back alleys with zombie brains and zombie gizzards, Black Lightning's father is walking into a trap. Just like a clueless father slash journalist to screw up everything. Dammit. I probably shouldn't have typed that last sentence. Now people looking for fiction about fathers ass-fucking journalists are going to find this site and be thoroughly confused. Sorry, gay father/journalist porn lovers! As they say in the colloquial, "My error!"

Clever, fat man. Clever. Now I'm picturing another level of reality where someone is reading the comic book of me reading this comic book and typing, "Clever, fat man. Clever." And that person is saying, "Nice one, asshole." It's a pan-dimensional waterfall of witty retorts!

Blue Devil and Black Lightning find the Whale and Nebiros because Blue Devil can sense Nebiros. And that wasn't Black Lightning trying on Blue Devil's skin on the opening page. That was Nebiros getting his skin back after Etrigan tore it from his body "long, long ago." And he was screaming because Cassidy's penis must be severely misshapen.

Maybe Cassidy just infected the skin with the Herpes Virus.

The confrontation between naked Cassidy and Nebiros covered in his shredded old skin will have to conclude next issue. As will the fight between Black Lightning and Tobias Whale. Black Lightning zaps Whale so he can save his father but it seems Black Lightning doesn't hit the Whale with enough juice to put him down because he's got so much insulating material.

And that's what Black Lightning gets for refusing to kill people!

Be with us next time for "The Blue Devil in the Nude Mess," or "The Naked and the Dead."

DC Universe Presents #15: Black Lightning & Blue Devil Rating: No change. I'm less excited about the ending of this story than I am about who will be portrayed in issue #17! And all you solicits readers can just bite your motherfucking tongues, ya hear?! I don't want the surprise spoiled! I like finding out when I have the issue in my hands. I'm old fashioned!

DC Universe Presents #13: Black Lightning and Blue Devil

I bet their team-up name becomes Delightning!

Blue Devil may have been one of the very first comics I began reading with the first issue. I don't know how the comic holds up today but as a young kid, I enjoyed the humor. But even back then, I felt the reluctant hero thing got old fairly quickly. I don't a person suddenly given super powers (in his case, a stunt suit fused to him) not feeling he must become a super hero. But if you've got your own title, just get on with it already! I'm not reading Blue Devil #5 to see how his day goes shopping at the local convenience store. Although that would be (or was?!) probably entertaining. He was a giant blue demon!

One of my other favorite comics which began my career of reading comics (can that be labeled a career? Am I wrong about that?) was Batman and the Outsiders which eventually became Adventures of the Outsiders as it republished stories from The Outsiders, except on shittier paper and lousier color. If any of that history is wrong, you have the option of shoving your actually straight up your ass. I'm probably nearly as accurate as any random Wikipedia entry!

That being said, I have no idea what Black Lightning and Blue Devil have been up to in the years before the Reboot. Looks like Blue Devil is an actual demon now. I know I've seen him working with Shadowpact that I know nothing about but sounds like I comic I would have been all over. Reading it! Not humping it. And possibly Black Lightning had a daughter? He may have had a daughter back in The Outsiders but I'll be fucked if I can remember much of those stories. I remember a Nuclear Family!

Why are these guys teaming up? Probably for no better reason than to be called Black and Blue. I hope there is a better reason though. Also, I prefer Delightning.

The story takes place in Los Angeles. You can tell it's Los Angeles because some kind of nefarious deal is going down in an empty, graffiti-filled concrete canal with a bunch of hot rods surrounding some guys saying, "Ese" and "Jesu Cristo." Also, the Location Box says Downtown Los Angeles.

I'd like an upside down Black Widow tattooed on the top of my head too!

Blue Devil is here to stop a drug deal and shut down some guy named Tobias Whale. Black Lightning shows up with the same plan in mind but he doesn't realize Blue Devil is on his side, so he gets aggressive.

I'm such a fucking optimist. I really thought Blue Devil was going to nip this good guy battle in the bud here.

But of course they fight each other while the drug dealers all get away Scott Free. How badly do you want to see Mister Miracle in DC Universe Presents? Yeah, me neither. Big Barda, however, is a story I'd love to read. Without her pansy husband.

The two trade mediocre quips and then Black Lightning makes a smurf joke. I have to say he's reaching here. Blue Devil is a big blue creature! You can't make a smurf joke against a guy who's over seven feet tall! Now if he had made a penis joke that involved smurfs, I would have found it acceptable. Or if he was from Oa.

Thankfully, the LAPD show up. I wonder if anybody has ever said that before? They break up the fight by threatening to shoot the shit out of them. Now I know that's been said before! But both Black Lightning and Blue Devil run off in separate directions. I wonder how many issues before their team-up actually becomes a team-up?

The next day, Black Lightning is reading a newspaper article asking if Blue Devil and Black Lightning are "heroes or psychos." Why can't they be both? He's a teacher for a school system that obviously needs a cash infusion.

What kind of cheap, knock-off American Flag is this?

His father stops by and for a brief moment, I expect this Black Lightning to be one of those new generational ones following in his dad's footsteps. But his dad calls him Jefferson, so he's the original. At least he's the original I grew up with!

Fuck you! What am I supposed to do? "At least he's the original with which I grew up"? Fuck! (That joke was for all the language lovers. You're welcome!)

I'll leave the arguing about ending sentences with prepositions to people who constantly feel the need to correct others about things that don't matter at all and get back to the story.

Meanwhile, Tobias Whale is a disgusting freak! Now, now. Don't all the freaks out there get up in arms about that sentence! It's obvious by clarifying "freak" with the adjective "disgusting" that I generally find freaks other than that. Some freaks are so fucking sensitive!

He kind of looks like J. Jonah Jameson if Jonah had drowned in a pool and was fished out two weeks later.

Tobias Whale's plan is to find out who these heroes are and have his men kill them. That sounds like a pretty solid plan. The first part is to lure them out and tag them. It's successful and Blue Devil gets a tracer stuck to him. I mean, stuck to his suit.

Oh! I guess it is still a suit and Dan is just a stuntman that feels it's okay to use the studio's property on his own time.

Some thugs follow him to the movie studio, break in, and kill Blue Devil's grandfather. Blue Devil comes out and holds him as he dies (and it seems perhaps his grandfather did something to Dan and the costume just before he dies?) and calls him "Grandpa Liam." At the same time, Black Lightning's father is out on the streets trying to find some leads on a story against Tobias Whale when a bunch of thugs pull some guns on him. Black Lightning is watching over him and jumps off the building to save him, yelling, "DAD!" I hope neither of these guys give a shit about keeping their identities secret.

DC Universe Presents #13: Black Lightning & Blue Devil Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue is a gigantic improvement over the Kid Flash story and a marked improvement over Issue #0. It's about two characters I've been interested since the beginning of my journey into comics. The humor wasn't great, just some spastic one-liners that barely made sense in the context of the fight. But I'm definitely intrigued and I wanted more! Stupid twenty page comics.

DC Universe Presents #0: OMAC, Mister Terrific, Hawk & Dove, Blackhawks, Deadman

Now it's time for Where Are They Now Theater! Starring all of the DC Heroes that failed to maintain a large enough audience. Mostly because when The New 52 began, DC's fans were going to spend their money largely on popular heroes they were familiar with even if the writers of several Batman titles spectacularly sucked balls. I mean really, really spectacularly. So good. So this is the issue to show the fans what they missed out on! Lets see what they've been up to since we, or at least I, last encountered them. Or maybe I'll get to learn their origins so I finally feel complete.

First up is OMAC. Judging by the art and the six panel standard layout, my guess is that Keith Giffen is doing the art. But I've been fooled by that before! Also, the story takes place two years ago. Little does OMAC know he'll be cancelled in a scant 20 months from now.

Nice title, Giffen. Looks like it's the exact same creative team as the regular series.

Maxwell Lord and Brother Eye are pushing to get the OMAC program up and running. But as you may have read in the panel I scanned, the process has a very small chance of succeeding. Max is busy smoking and not being in a neck brace. I guess that's because Wonder Woman only snaps his neck after the OMAC protocol is let loose upon the world.

I'm not sure how Brother Eye came to be working with Maxwell Lord. But Brother Eye was created by Batman using Apokolips technology for the purposes of keeping an eye on the newly emerging super powered beings. Batman (at the current time) has no idea that Brother Eye gained sentience from the Apokolips tech.

Yes, Brother Eye respects the decision. Which is why he goes on to fill a full page with enough information that even self-obsessed Hal Jordan could figure out who created Brother Eye.

Max and Brother Eye continue to dance around who is more powerful and who has stolen more information from whom. Max cuts Brother Eye's links to Checkmate but too late. Brother Eye has already taken control of the OMAC virus for himself and he's found his test subject.

Hey! That's who I was going to suggest!

Oh, and that's the end!

OMAC #0 Rating: Origin's Mostly Ass Candy

Next up is Mister Terrific! This teeny tiny story is written by James Robinson and drawn by Tom Derenick. And it begins like a super sexy Tom DeFalco/Scott Lobdell Jam.

"I'm super smart! I'm going to wear spandex and fly around on tiny Phantasm balls! LOOK AT MY FUCKING NIPPLE! IT'S SO TINY!"

Mister Terrific's origin is simply him finding 9D space and creating some technology and sticking a "T" sticker on his face and creating some T-spheres and being smart and having had his wife and son die and being visited by his son from Earth 2 although he doesn't know that yet and that's about it! The first thing he does after donning his T-Mask is enter a rift in 9D space. He enters into a probability matrix which allows him glimpses of the future. Like Flash's super speed mental precognition power (which is dumb), this power is stupid (which is a synonym for dumb). He sees that he'll meet some new friends in funny costumes and that a scarred man will eventually kill him. But he emphasizes that this is a "probability matrix" which means none of these visions are completely destined to come true.

Wow. Isn't science and being super smart grand? It's also really boring. Do something exciting, Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific is ejected from the rift and immediately forgets everything he saw. What the fuck?! What was the point of that? He barely remembers entering it but he decides to enter it again. Is this guy really the third smartest guy on Earth? Because he's the dumbest mother fucker in the ninth dimension, that's for sure! How many times is he planning on entering and exiting and forgetting and wanting to enter again because he forgot what just happened? Luckily, some trouble on Earth distracts him and he heads off to introduce Los Angeles to Mister Terrific.

And then there's a super surprise twist!

Oh look! In a comic about a science believing atheist, the ghost of his son turns out not to be paranormal at all! Is that Mister 8, by the way? The smartest man on Earth 2? I can't wait until Mister Terrific meets Deadman and Death from the Endless. Explain those away, big shot atheist!

Mister Terrific #0 Rating: Really pretty pedestrian and boring.

Oh fuck me in every gaping orifice! Next up is Hawk and Dove written by Rob Liefeld and drawn by his shadow, Marat Mychaels. Swoon!

The episode is title "Balance of Power" because get it? That question makes sense if you're a cynical asshole who doesn't give a fuck about his English degree. Hawk and Dove balance each other out! Male and female! Aggressive and calm. Chaos and Order. War and Peace. Penis and Vagina. Did I do that one already? Anyway, the first page shows Dove grinding against Hawk's package while they float aimlessly in space. Shut up! I'm not lying! Look for yourself!

Did Liefeld teach Mychaels how to do grimaces? Good job!

Why can't Hawk and Dove represent Sex and Abstinence? That would be such a better comic book. Hey?! Is anybody taking any notes here? I've done over 700 of these commentaries and they're mostly littered with great ideas! Yes, I said! GREAT IDEAS! What we need is a crew of mediocre writers and great artists to make some of these visions come to life! Any takers?! Seriously, people. Stop being so grown-up and adult and let's have some fucking fun.

The incarnations of Chaos and Order, War and Peace, are currently arguing with each other in deep space. Peace thinks balance needs to be maintained. War thinks Peace should shove eighteen blue dwarfs up her ass. Their debate is pretty pointless since War/Chaos doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Chaos and War isn't about fighting evil and destroying darkness! It's about conflict and total random bullshit! It's kind of like that Activision game from the 80s where hamburgers rained down from the sky as you manned a spaceship and tried to destroy them. Chaos! War/Chaos doesn't want to destroy the darkness with one blow! Because then there would be fucking peace, you idiot!

War is acting all pissy because he believes that Peace manipulated events to give Dawn Granger the power of Dove. And War is a sexist bastard that can't handle a woman being Dove. Actually, War doesn't like the idea of Dawn Granger being Dove because she's the most powerful Avatar anyone has ever seen. Which makes me suspect that Hank Hall shouldn't be the Avatar of War. Someone better is out there waiting to take his place. That's what the God of War should be concerned with. Finding an equal to Dawn Granger's Dove.

Then some other stuff happens and it's just as stupid as the initial run of Hawk and Dove. I think the relationship between Peace and War is way too delicate and intimate a relationship to be handled by a hack writer like Rob Liefeld. He needs to stick to people shooting bullets into other people's faces and random people suddenly betraying other people simply for the twist, even if it makes no sense for the character to do it. And now I can't wait for The Savage Hawkman #0 and Liefeld's last writing gig with DC!

Hawk and Dove #0 Rating: Unbalanced!

Next up is the Blackhawks and we're almost done! This comic cost $6. I think that's bullshit but what do I care about money and prices? Since I don't mind my taxes going to social programs that help other people obtain needed benefits, that must mean I'm a lazy, entitled asshole. Never mind that I own my own business. Also, fuck everyone that has a problem with taxes going to universal health care that could help every single mother fucker in this country but don't mind their taxes going to the imperialist war machine that only kills, maims, and creates havoc. And if you think that rant didn't belong here, did you fucking not read that whole bit about the balance between War and Peace?

Blackhawks is written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Carlos Rodriguez with inks by BIT. What the hell kind of name is BIT? Is DC employing tracing robots now? Why am I still reading this comic? I want to read about Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld!

That's not how I remember it at all! Aquaman stabbed Darkseid in the eyeballs!

So The Blackhawks were created for the exact same reason that Team Seven was created. But the Blackhawks were a United Nations team, right? And Team Seven seems to have been a team gathered together by the secret leaders of the world. Although they really are kind of the same read. Like I said in Team Seven, the Team Seven is just the Blackhawks with more recognizable members.

This is what I hate about the Blackhawks. They officially don't exist but they fly around with a fucking logo on their helicopter. Hello? UNMARKED HELICOPTERS!

The Blackhawks go in screaming as much military lingo as possible to prove to the reader that they're a military unit. Okay, okay! I get it! Y'all are soldiers and shit! And then there's at least this one panel that reminds me what I liked about the cancelled series.

Even more so than Men of War, it expressed the emotions of normal humans in a war torn world that suddenly facing some really crazy, cosmic, super-powered weirdness.

And then they run into an ambush while trying to rescue a downed comrade. This is the moment that Lady Blackhawk loses an eye although she shoves a grenade down the Parademon's throat with a grenade launcher. The Blackhawks survive to find their missing Lieutenant hooked up to some Apokolips technology. They release her but she doesn't go willingly. Whoever she was, she's now become Mother Machine! She flees from the scene to appear in the Blackhawks regular series for a few issues. And I'm sure she'll be back again in the future.

Blackhawks #0 Rating: Their origin was as simple as every other government agency created in DC. "Super Heroes might be a problem!" "Create an agency to protect us from them!" But this origin was actually more about Mother Machine. Which was so-so and doesn't really matter anyway. I think the Blackhawks proved that most people don't want to buy the comic, so there isn't any reason for Mother Machine to appear in the DCnU any time soon.

And last, it's Deadman! Another chapter, called "Instant Karma," written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Scott McDaniel and Guy Major.

Deadman's origin has him entering the first person after Rama Kushna cursed him with eternal atonement. The man he enters is the man who killed him. But Boston doesn't want to play the game. He exits the target when he thinks the target is about to be killed by a mafia co-worker. But things fall apart and an innocent woman is shot. Boston Brand re-possesses the guy, calls the cops, and gets the man arrested while the woman gets help. It's a little bit of a great power, great responsibility Spiderman moment. Except Rama Kushna reminds Boston that these powers aren't a gift. They're a punishment and a curse and he'd better start acting like it or more pain and misery will be visited upon him. The End!

Deadman #0 Rating: I'm not sure why this story was included. Maybe I'm stupid. Or maybe I've just had too much Sake. Or maybe I just want to start reading Amethyst already!

DC Universe Presents #12: Kid Flash

The hardest part about a Flash/Kid Flash story is making it believable. They should be able to overcome any enemy as long as their foes don't also have super speed.

For those intelligent people refusing to read Teen Titans until Scott Lobdell is replaced as writer, let me give some background on this story. In the pages of Teen Titans (as the cover states), Kid Flash was out getting Chinese Food when some half-dinosaur, half-teenaged kids come out of Danny the Alley and get up to no good. Luckily Kid Flash is there to stop them! But too bad he couldn't stop them in the eight pages the story was allowed in the back of Teen Titans! Now they had to waste a whole issue of DC Universe Presents on it!

Oh look! Kid Flash gives the readers a summary on page one.

Thanks for the help, Bart Allen!

I captioned that panel with that Bart Allen bullshit because there's too much to talk about in that panel for it all to be underneath in bold text. First off, "those very few" not following his adventures? There is no shame in that! Don't be guilted into thinking you're missing a fantastic title by Bart Allen's hyperbole! Teen Titans is an awful title right now. This is primarily because Scott Lobdell is writing the series and he was never meant to be a writer. Maybe he dreamed of being a writer some day. But when a guy sends in scripts to Marvel that are rejected by Tom DeFalco, another crappy writer, you know he stinks. So don't think you should give Teen Titans a chance just because DC is using DC Universe Presents as a commercial to try to swell its numbers.

Second, N.O.W.H.E.R.E.'s base was in the Antarctic, not the Arctic. Hey, Scott Lobdell, Tom DeFalco, and Fabian Nicieza! Here's an elementary school website that helps explain the differences: Arctic versus Antarctic. They are not the same! Stop using them interchangeably. My guess is that someone someday will realize how many times this mistake was made across multiple issues and retcon some idiot explanation.

Third, how the hell was Mystery Island a "land made from jigsaw patches of different places and points in time"? The only thing they encountered there were dinosaurs! If I were Kid Flash, I would have described it as an island that time forgot! You know, like that war in G.I. Combat? The way he describes it makes me think Mystery Island is an old staple of DC that has been used before. The way it was used in Teen Titans, I never would have guessed they could have stumbled upon old west gunslingers or some rocket pack packing future people.

Fourth, if Kid Flash and the rest of the Titans realize that Danny the Alley is actually Danny, then I want to see them visiting him occasionally! That would be entirely super duper crazy fucked up if they just forget about him and leave him to a life of stray cats, overflowing dumpsters, and pissed on walls.

Fifth, nice of a writer to begin stating that continuity doesn't matter. A comic book like DC Universe Presents would be a great place to tell tales out of continuity. A place where writers could go no holds barred and just forget that their story takes place in DC's new world building environment. But of course that won't happen and saying "continuity doesn't matter" isn't true. It's just a clever way of saying, "This story is a silly bit of fluff that doesn't really mean anything." Which I'm not against! I'm ready to read a fun story from DC, believe me! I'm just not sure "Dinosaur Teenagers" fits the Hadrosaur's bill. I mean the bill on his baseball cap since he's a teenager! Ha ha! Dinosaur humor!

Just one more question before I begin reading the actual story:

What the hell does this mean?! Is Scott Lobdell a genocider?! Maybe Fabian is calling him a Neanderthal? I'm super curious!

Fabian Nicieza wasn't kidding when he said forget continuity. Kid Flash is chasing after the Pterodactyl girl and filling nine large Narration Boxes with comments about teenage girls ignoring him and how hot the pterodactyl girl is and how fighting with her probably means destroying a possible romance with her. Kid Flash definitely isn't thinking like a normal teenaged boy that's just begun a romantic encounter with a smoking, black naked super chick. Perhaps his romantic feelings pass just as quickly as everything else for him. Or his ADHD causes him to forget about Solstice while he's trying to nail the dinosaur girl.

Even in Kid Flash's Narration Boxing, Nicieza drops any thought about continuity. He thinks (or Narration Boxes, to be more accurate, since the boxes don't work at all like thought bubbles used to): "And is it even the least bit odd she speaks English?" And then when he begins speaking to her, knowing she speaks English, he says, "Fight's over. No mas! Me: Friend. You speakezie English, right?" What the hell is wrong with this kid? I think he might be a bit unraveled from time travel and running fast. I should probably give him a break.

Turns out Dinosaur girl speaks English, French, Italian, German, Mandarin, and Japanese. I do appreciate that she says she's "conversant" in these languages and not fluent. Unlike that Siobhan over in Supergirl who says she's fluent in Kryptonian but whenever she speaks it, she's always all "Ye this" and "Ye that" and "shillelagh begorah" and "blarney leprechaun." Although maybe by saying conversant, she actually means she's pretty much fluent. She speaks really well the English, yes?

Kid Flash kind of makes friends with this girl called "Dac." He continues to hit on her because he's just a maja playa like that. I don't blame him though. She is kind of hot in a "pterodactyl ate her head" kind of way.

So is she just a normal girl living in the skin of a dinosaur?

But before Kid Flash can get out of the batter's box, he's attacked by her friend, Teryx. Kid Flash's impression of him makes no sense.

Kid Flash learned how to Narration Box at Grifter's School of Profound Nonsense and Seemingly Understandable Inanity.

Basically, he's cool because he seems like a rugged man? Is that how to interpret that thought full of stereotyping and gender-related hate speech? Is Kid Flash saying "men" need to be a certain way to be "cool"? You're not going to earn many intelligent, life-long friends with those kinds of thoughts, Kid. So it's good they're just thoughts. Keep 'em to yourself, buddy!

Dac jumps in to stop the fight since she was busy flirting with Kid Flash. Well, she was telling him how many languages she spoke which is pretty impressive! That could be interpreted as flirting, right?

Dac's costume really is super cute. Silly and impractical, but cute.

Dac calms everyone down and Kid Flash rushes off to find their third friend, Steg. He manages to find him hassling some customers in a Chinese restaurant which has lizards in terrariums in the dining room. He's pretty pissed off about this for some reason and he releases a gas that transforms the lizards into man-sized dinosaurs. Kid Flash arrives a bit too late to stop him and ends up fleeing from the roomful of carnivores.

I actually like this bit here. Notice no Narration Boxes to get the point across? That's because I cut it out of that top panel. Not. Needed.

Teryx explains that Steg is a dino-supremacist which explains why he flipped the fuck out in the Chinese restaurant. But Dac says it's not so simple. He's just smart and misunderstood. And in the space of the last ten minutes that Kid Flash has spent around them, he comes to a conclusion.

Wow, Bart. You're so observant.

(continuing from the caption) Except this comic hasn't shown any of that so far! Dac has defended Steg but she also showed how much she cared for Teryx when she held him and helped him out when Kid Flash pummeled him. So this conclusion really just comes out of nowhere. But now that the writer has told me that there is a love triangle going on here (actually, to be a true love triangle, Steg needs to be in love with Teryx), I feel all sad and heartbreaky and melancholic for poor Teryx and the forlorn position he's in. cri cri.

Teryx tries to help Kid Flash stop Steg but when they find him on a nearby roof with Dac, Steg has thrown his sack of dinosaur-making gas on a street light across the way. Teryx warns if the sack is ripped by Steg shooting one of his manticore barbs into it, it'll douse hundreds of people and change them into monsters. Steg shoots at the sack and while Kid Flash is picking the barbs out of the air at super speed, Dac and Steg disappear underground. Seems they lied to Teryx and they were basically eloping away from the Mysterious Mystery Island of Mysteries. Teryx decides it's his mission to stop them and keep them from causing any harm. Kid Flash realizes he needs to report to the Teen Titans and they need to stop the other dinosaurs Steg created as they rampage across New York.

He's being serious. You really are a masochist if you're currently reading Teen Titans.

DC Universe Presents #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm dropping this title two ranks to show my extreme disapproval for it being used in this way. This was really just an advertisement for people not reading Teen Titans to try to bring them over to read that book. This tale could have been told in Teen Titans since they've been doing short stories and short-short back-up stories in Lobdell's books lately anyway. It's an awful idea with dumb creatures that should never have made it's way into this book.