Sword of Sorcery #6

What did Lucifer have to gain by having Exoristos bring the Black Diamond out of Hell? Does Lucifer gain the souls of anyone killed or possessed by Eclipso? And what is Eclipso if he's born from Hell? Just another demon and not a God? Hopefully this issue will elucidate the connection between Gemworld and The Black Diamond. Perhaps The Black Diamond actually originated in Gemworld. It was then brought to Earth. On Earth, it probably caused a lot of trouble before somebody banished it to Hell. Once in Hell, Lucifer probably found Eclipso was a fucking annoying prat, so he had Exoristos take the gem back to Earth. If The Black Diamond hadn't already been returned to its master (that weird doctor from Arkham), I'd believe that Constantine was now bringing it back to Gemworld where it belongs.

While Preet and Fuzzybutt are discovering that Preet's new Super S Turquoise Powers are good for creating disguises, Amethyst is learning what Sailor Star Amethyst Powers can do.

"Sapphires that keep beer cold, Diamonds that increase sexual potency, Opals that poison wine, Cubic Zirconia that engender falsehoods, Garnets that, well, who the fuck knows what Garnets do, and Black Diamonds that turn people into immortal assholes."

Later Amethyst gets to spend some time with Ingvie, her new best Gemworld friend ("That's prejudiced thinking of her as her 'Gemworld' friend!" "Thanks, Grandpa. Can we just catch some fish now?") who, being from House Citrine, has a photographic memory. So she can tell Amy anything she want's to know. Well, anything that she's spent the time studying.

Wouldn't you know she decided the "War of the Eclipse" wasn't new enough history to read about! What kind of historian is this girl? "That's Ancient History, so it's not worth knowing!" You're going to wish you knew it in a few pages, young lady!

If the power of Onyx neutralizes other Blood-Powers, then the two assassins that went after Amethyst's mom were horrible at their job. I guess since it's the Blood-Power of Onyx that neutralizes Blood-Powers, only the leader or leaders of House Onyx have that power. Just like Amethyst and her mom and her aunt all share the House of Amethyst Blood-Powers but nobody else has those. It's possible the Blood-Powers are separate from the regular powers of people of the Houses, but I'm not sure. Ingvie mentions House Citrine having "dormant powers" which makes me think all the regular people of each house have powers associated with the House. But only the leader and those the leader shares her powers with have the Blood-Powers.

Meanwhile in the House of Mystery, John Constantine is fucking around with his Magical Spy Mirror which he stole from the CEO of Supernatural Artifacts Incorporated in Chicago back in Swords of Sorcery #4. It's too bad he didn't have this mirror earlier. It would be a decent enough explanation for how he knows so much about all of the other characters in The New 52. But then again, Constantine has the House of Mystery and his sexy, charming, magical nature. Those things go a long way when one needs to learn secrets. Currently on the other side of the Magic Mirror is Eclipso.

My first reaction was to ask why would John do this? And then I remember, why does John do anything? There must be something for him to gain!

Back to Gemworld, Amethyst is busy putting away her study materials in the Turquoise Treasury when she runs into a creepy toucher. The guy paws at her skin but when he touches her, he transforms into Preet. Ingvie recognizes him instantly for what he is: the wild seed where House Turquoise Lord Firojha's power went after he was killed by Lady Akikra!

When Amy called Preet an idiot and pointed out he was stealing from himself, this cynical, stone-faced bastard laughed out loud.

Amethyst is able to subdue him with her mist-silk although it ends up with her falling all over him. Preet says, "I could get to like this...". But wouldn't he be her uncle? I'm just guessing that power of House Turquoise had to go to one of Lord Firojha's sons or else it would have gone to Amethyst since she's the next in line by blood. I guess he could also be her brother if Amethyst's father Vyrian had had a bastard son before marrying Lady Graciel. Which just made this new love interest super love interesting!

I had to Google for Lord Vyrian's name by putting "Amethyst's father" into Google. Google sent me to my commentary on Issue #5. Thanks, Google, for reminding me that my memory sucks!

Meanwhile in Death Valley, John Constantine meets up with Eclipso.

I've always been confused about how Eclipso works. Does he always have to have a human host? Is he currently inhabiting the Arkham Scientist whose name I can't remember but if I Googled, I'd learn it from one of my old commentaries?

Eclipso saying he's been exiled to this squalid world makes me think he's actually from Gemworld. So he either ends up in Hell after he's exiled from Gemworld which would mean he was exiled at least one thousand years ago. Or probably more since it's ancient history. One thousand years isn't quite ancient history enough! Well, not to me anyway. I guess to a teenaged girl of House Citrine, it might be. But that would mean the Black Diamond did end up in Hell somehow and it bothered Lucifer enough that he needed to get rid of it. Why he needed Exoristos to take it out is another story. But if Lucifer couldn't even stand him, it then Eclipso must be the worst roommate ever.

Constantine fires up the portal and gets ready to bid farewell to Eclipso. And he was here for so short a time! He only got to interfere with three titles! Unless there were more? Let's see...Team 7, All Star Western, and Catwoman. I think that was it! Good riddance, Moon Face!

Oh yeah! Alex Montez was his name. And he uses the alias "Bruce Gordon" which was the original Eclipso host's name. Before Eclipso became some kind of Vengeance God of the Moon.

Once Eclipso is through the portal with Amethyst, Constantine blows the crystal. By destroying the crystal, it releases the spirit of her father Lord Vyrian who flutters through the portal before it closes once and for all. I'm not completely sure Constantine knew that would happnen.

On Gemworld, the portal closes as well and Alex Montez wastes no time becoming Eclipso and blasting everybody with some Moon Prism Power, knocking them all unconscious. With all the goody-goody princesses out of his way, Eclipso wanders off to torment the racist Citrine Historian from last issue. Poor woman! If she only knew beforehand that she was going to star in a horror movie, she might have tried to hide her flaw! Now that she's been exposed as a racist, the audience won't mind when she gets killed and might even stand up and cheer.

Not that I would! I always feel really sad and cry whenever anybody dies in a movie.

Okay, that's not true. But it is true that I always cry whenever an animal dies in a movie! That scene in I Am Legend when Jazzy Jeff kills his dog. Oh my God! Stop manipulating me, movie makers! Or that scene in Of Mice and Men when the old man pisses and moans about not blowing his own dog's head off! Okay, that wasn't very sad. That was more annoying. But when Sherilynn Fenn gets her puppy neck broken, I bawled for ten minutes. Partly because I was beginning to masturbate thinking she was going to get naked. Scarred for life, I tell you! That'll teach me to think a scene where a puppy gets murdered would lead into nudity!

Oh yeah! Totally ancient history!

Eclipso tries to possess the racist but learns that he can't control anybody with the Blood-Power. That seems odd. He's the Master of the Moon, you'd think he'd be Master of Menstruation as well. Since he can't control this woman because she's on her period, he breaks her neck. Is this negative commentary on being a misogynist? How dare a comic book preach to me! If I want to travel to a fictional world and break a racist's neck, that's my prerogative!

I think I should get in better shape for Halloween. Eclipso would be a kick ass costume. Oh! And then I could wear it at a convention and call it a cosplay instead of a costume!

Once Lady Racist is killed, her Blood-Power transfers to Amy's bestie, Ingvie Malmsteen. Now Amethyst can't boss her around anymore because they're equals! Although Amethyst's are prettier than Citrines, so we know who's going to keep the power in that friendship. And then the story ends and my moratorium I called while reading DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire ends before I can even finish one more issue!

I said nobody else was to be "UNLEASHED!"

Now it's time to read about Stalker, The Man That Was Just Like Every Other Man in That He Didn't Have This Thing Called a Soul. Last month ended with his apartment being raided by Lucifer and a bunch of demons as his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great granddaughter was about to give birth to his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great great grandchild.

The mother dies in childbirth leaving Stalker to escape with the baby, find a man of God, steal a buttload (I prefer this over the actual "boatload") of salt, and barricade himself inside of a church to make his last stand against Lucifer.

Wasn't this the movie poster of every third action movie in the late eighties?

Sword of Sorcery #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. The moral of this issue of Amethyst is "Do not trust John Constantine." That's the moral of every comic book that features John Constantine. I have a feeling it'll be a regular motif in this month's new comic book, "Constantine." Amethyst is still young and naive and didn't really know John that well, so I can't blame her for falling for his cigarette smoking wiles.

All Star Western #16

I bet part of Amadeus Arkham's obsession and insanity in later years is due to having once been poisoned by The Black Diamond.

A month has passed since last issue and, judging by the cover, I assume Amadeus is still in the loony bin but won't be for long. Jonah Hex has been recovering from his broken leg tended by a nurse in Arkham's mansion

The only time Hex wouldn't think his nurse was mean is if the nurse were actually a whore.

Jonah Hex has been stuck in his chair for a month listening to Amadeus's mother scream out her hallucinations night after night. With enough alcohol, I guess he found it tolerable. But now that the nurse won't let him drink and doesn't know how to make chigustie and won't jerk him off in the tub, Jonah has had enough of the madwoman. He brandishes his lucky Tomahawk and gets ready to end her suffering. Although Jonah Hex's nickname isn't Mad-dog, so I'm almost positive that he won't go through with it. Almost.

Well at least it looks like Hex found somebody that is willing to jerk him off in the tub.

So far this issue has been eight pages of Jonah Hex knocking about Arkham's mansion, dealing with boredom, sobriety, his nurse, and Amadeus's mother. It's eight pages I that imagine some people would read and wonder when the fuck they were going to get to the story or the Black Diamond or at least some fucking punching. But to me, this is what comic books should be! If only they still ran twenty-four pages, some writers might feel they could take a little more time with stories. To take a little more time to let the dialogue and the art show the reader what's in Hex's mind instead of filling a few pages with a bunch of Narration Boxes giving the reader the synopsis of Hex's current state of mind. And then to have the first appearance of Amadeus's mother and it isn't a disappointment! It's fantastic. The ancient woman sitting in front of her vanity. The vanity covered in old perfume bottles. The room filled with dolls and a cloying scent of dying roses. And her madness driving her to believe she is Jane Eyre (although, obviously, she's more like Bertha Mason) and the disfigured man that just entered, Edward Rochester, her love.
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Perhaps the scene could have done with a little more subtlety (like, at the very least, Hex not blatantly looking at the copy of Jane Eyre), but I don't think I would have made the connection without Amadeus's mother rambling on as if she were Jane. But once she did, it's all so fitting. Except, of course, that she sees herself as Jane instead of Bertha. But that's part of what makes the scene so nice. She is crazy, after all.

But it has been eight pages now, so it's probably about time Amadeus interrupts all of this nicely paced drama and tries to kill Jonah Hex.

Lucky for me, a few more pages remain of Hex and Mrs. Arkham's newly budding relationship. Having "Edward" in the house has calmed her violent and disturbing hallucinations somewhat, so Hex has decided to play along so he doesn't have to listen to her scream all night.

Ah ha ha ha! The nurse calls Hex on his romantic bent!

That last speech bubble with the malformed font is the return of Mr. Hyde. He attempts to kill Jonah Hex but the nurse runs off and returns in time with his pistol. Hex fires a few shots into Mr. Hyde turning him back into Doctor Jekyll. Or whoever he is when he's not an abomination. This is a Reboot, after all! Maybe in the Reboot, the book this was based on was Dr. Scrimshaw and Mr. Hyde. Hex wants Doctor Jekyll to live, so he has the Nurse remove the bullets and save his life. Luckily this nurse is actually trained in more than just making Jello for old people.

The characters in this book are so nicely done that I keep having to scan in full pages instead of one or two panels because every moment of dialogue is worth reading.

I've never fucking heard of Venus in Furs so I should ask Lord Google about it. But it sounds like a conversation that could get perverse right quick. From the very quick and shallow reading I just did about the book, it sounds like the 1870s version of Fifty Shades of Grey. The Wikipedia entry quotes one line from the book:

"That woman, as nature has created her, and man at present is educating her, is man's enemy. She can only be his slave or his despot, but never his companion. This she can become only when she has the same rights as he and is his equal in education and work."

I disagree with that last line! Equality in work and education is actually the easy part! It's not until women are equal in the sexual realm that men and women can truly be companions. Until women stop being slut-shamed by other women. Until men stop believing they're nice guys so why won't that cunt touch their wiener. Until fathers can offer their daughter a pat on the back and a sip of beer for "scoring" on a date. Until responsible, casual sex by either gender can be done without it being seen as baggage or a mistake or having been used by the other party. Until women are no longer blamed for a man's inability to understand the definition of "consensual." These things (and many, many more) are the things keeping men and women from truly being companions. And I use the term "men and women" in a truly generic sense. Obviously many of us, no matter the definition of our own sexuality and gender, are at that companionable place. But it's not good enough until everybody has figured it the fuck out.

The story ends with Jonah Hex tossing Mr. Hyde's Black Diamond formula (still sealed within its bottle) into Gotham Bay where it more than likely washes up on the shores of Arkham Island in another hundred or so years.

And then the best "Next Month" page I've ever seen.

I am so fucking excited for this. Jenny Freedom!

I'm a bit sad that Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham will be going on hiatus for a bit but if they're going to be replaced by somebody, Jenny Freedom's Stormwatch team has got to be at the top of the list. Dr. Thirteen is obviously the scientist but I'm not sure about the other two. Could Vandal Savage pass as The Englishman? And when the Lawman is revealed, I'll probably have one of those, "Oh yeah! That guy!" moments. [Edit: Glancing through my old Who's Whos, I think the Lawman may end up being The Whip!]

The back-up story with Tomahawk was more of the same although it was a better read than the previous chapters. I guess it's worth it if it gets even a few people interested in picking up a historical novel on Tecumseh.

All Star Western #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I just really like everything about this comic book. Okay, maybe the back-up story can usually use some work but it doesn't detract from the main story at all.