Earth Too: Society #13



The abyss was in a hope chest?

The Review or Whatever!
Once Convergence ended, the people of Earth-2 found themselves on a useless, manufactured planet. So Green Lantern turned it into a somewhat livable planet with which nobody was really happy. A bunch of people wanted to terraform the planet to their particular expectations using a magic cube full of blueprints to recreate Earth-2-That-Was but a bunch of other people thought that was a bad idea for some reason. So there was a big battle and, in the end, everybody was left with Green Lantern's not-so-spectacular version of Earth-2-That-Was.

Being that Earth-Too didn't have any money-making opportunities, everybody began to quibble over the fossil fuel resources that Green Lantern couldn't fake up along with all the other shit he somehow faked up for the world. This led to more global strife which kept Tornado Lane from finishing her draft of a world constitution. I think she only got as far as writing "In God We Trust" and then crossing that out because it's a shitty way to start a constitution. Anyway, shit happened and things were resolved and Green Lantern gave up his ring for the good of everybody.

Now this thing called the Pandora Vessel has cropped up which has the capacity to terraform Earth-Too back into Earth-2! And so we're going back to that story! The only difference is that this time Ultra-Humanite is trying to stop them so that he can use the Pandora Vessel as he sees fit instead of Godlike Jimmy Olsen trying to steal the Terraforming MacGuffin to use as he saw fit. It's a totally different story and not boring me to tears at all! Except that it isn't and it is! So why I said it the other way first, I don't know! Except that I do know but it's not something I want to admit! I'm a bad writer!

Earth 2: Society #11

Superman just looks like Captain Atom with his "S" torn off the chest.

The Review!
Perhaps a comic book about a contrived global conflict is the kind of book that makes certain dicks hard and certain pussies wet but it does neither for my dick and/or pussy. This is a story about a society that doesn't trust superheroes and blames them for all of their troubles. Yawn. Double yawn. Triple yawn, even! I don't even know why superhero comic books continue to be published if the main thing modern writers have to say within them is that people don't like authority. Unless they're saying something else with the whole allegory of the misplaced trust in power that I've become too numb and bored to care about figuring out. I don't care what it might be like if a superhero had to deal with the bureaucracies and red tape and public mistrust of public figures extant in the actual world. What I wouldn't mind is an accurate representation of the real world but where superheroes are an added element that just makes the world a better place. What a daring fucking concept, no?

The Commentary!
The less control a person feels they need to exert on the world, the happier that person will be. That's why I'm always so angry when I read shitty comic books! Because I wish I could lock the writer up in my Secret Room of Secret Things and teach them how to write. Not that I know the secret to writing interesting things! I do know the secret to writing popular things though. You write something cliche that appeals to a broad base, hope that the cool young people feel that liking your thing will give them some kind of cultural cache, and then all of the other lemmings (also known as "young people") will like your thing too, desperately trying to portray themselves as having liked it years before anybody else did. But even if I can't really teach a bad writer how to write in my Secret Room of Secret Things, I can at least take out my frustrations on them in horribly demeaning ways. Like I might say, after having them sit in the chair with the broken spring, "How is your mother?" If they reply with anything that isn't "My mother is dead," then I say, "I already knew that because she screamed it while I was doing her hard." I would also be sure to make dramatic hip motions while saying that and maybe do some vulgar thing with my fingers and tongue. Then I would ask, "How is your father?" If they replied with anything that wasn't "My father is dead," I would say, "I know! Who do you think was running the camera while I gave it to your mom!" Then I would ask if they wanted some lemonade and if they said yes, I would tell them I was all out and that they would have to leave now. Boom! Lesson learned, bad writer! Now I just have to hope Cullen Bunn answers "Yes" to my evite!

In my first draft, I had Scott Lobdell as the bad writer but then I thought, "What has Scott Lobdell ever done to me? It's not like he ever posted a picture of a guy flipping the bird and directed it at me!" So that's why I replaced him with Cullen Bunn. I will also be making Cullen Bunn my honorary go-to whipping boy for no other reason than that he once acknowledged that I existed. He should have gone the Gail Simone route and acknowledged my existence in a pleasant way so as to avoid my hate-attention.

I suppose the opposite of my initial statement is also true: the less control a person feels the world is trying to exert on them, the happier the person will be. This is why white cis males should be happy all the time. All of those angry white guys with the man-tears are really blowing their big advantage! Why argue with somebody who attacks white men for simply being white and men? Just ignore them like you've always done prior to that point and live your life the best way any individual can live it: by being recognized by the majority of society that you are, indeed, an individual! When somebody makes a crack about white men, I just laugh and go, "I know, right? Fucking white men are ridiculous!" Because I don't think of myself as a white man! I think of myself as Tess! Or Grunion Guy! Or my real name which you can easily find out but I won't write it here and make it that easy for you. Then I go get a free massage and basket of french fries at one of the many secret White Guy Speakeasies located in every major city.

Oops! Forget I said that! Especially the part about the free french fries and how they're the most delicious I've ever had. Oh wait. I didn't say that. Just forget that too! Oh look over there! It's an Earth 2 comic book!

I was hoping to find an intriguing panel as the distraction but I'm seven pages in and all I've got is this.

Jesus Christ has a line in Jesus Christ Superstar where he says, "To conquer death, you only have to die." That's what I think of whenever there's any backlash to some pop piece of entertainment where the characters or the casting isn't up to White Male Nerd Expectations. What the fuck are you arguing for? You're railing against normalizing things but you think you're somehow keepers of the gates of normalcy. And every time you argue, you're proving that you're ultimate reason for not wanting to change is based in bigotry and superficial bullshit. Instead of allowing the rising tide to drown everyone lift every boat, you're trying to keep all the boats with short anchor chains anchored to the position they've been in for decades while your boat has been without an anchor for centuries. Do you want to stop having this constant discussion about diversity and inclusiveness and privilege? You only have to die. You only. Have. To die.

I know the previous paragraph will be completely misconstrued (which, lucky for me, I won't ever be popular enough to matter) but what do I care?! It's art! I don't have a mandate to explain everything I say in a way that the stupidest person can understand it! That's like asking David Lynch to explain Lost Highway to a large percentage of the audience. I've told this story before but with close to three thousand blog posts (most of them about me and only peripherally about the comic book I'm reading at the time), I should be allowed repeated story tellings. So I was with my old high school friend Soy Rakelson years ago and we were discussing Lost Highway. He thought that it was too confusing and that the auteur had a duty to try to make his or her work understandable. As we talked, he noticed I had John Barth's Lost in the Funhouse nearby and he said, "Oh man! I loved that story in here about the Swimmers!" And I said, "Oh, the one about the sperm." And he looked at me quizzically and said, "You know, the one with the Swimmers?" And I said, "Yeah. The one with the sperm questioning the whole point of his seemingly pointless existence." And his jaw dropped and he was all, "Holy crap." And I was all, "Don't you think an auteur has a duty to try to make his or her work understandable?" For Soy, the story was fascinating because of the philosophical quandary of the narrator. But to me, I couldn't imagine the story really meaning anything if you didn't walk away from it realizing that the Swimmer was a spermatozoa. It definitely changed Soy's take on the story after that.

I don't know if we actually used the word "auteur" that night but seeing that we were both in the same Lit Theory class at the time, we probably did. Although we weren't wearing sweater vests or sipping espressos at the local coffee shop (which was called City Lights, by the way).

I don't think the auteur was very clear about which character is supposed to be speaking which thoughts. I'm fairly certain the little arrows are pointing at all the wrong people. Another possibility is I'm just too stupid to get the gist of this conversation. Is Giffen writing this?

Speaking of Soy Rakelson, he was one of those white guys who constantly felt like he was a victim. He was also Catholic and so he felt under attack all the time on that front too. Plus his family was from Chicago and he was defensive about that as well! One time he wrote a letter to the San Jose State Student Paper arguing about the proposed Black Student Union. At the time, he didn't realize that it was just another group and not, as he thought, a completely new building that would be just for black students. Fuck I wish I'd kept that paper! I'm pretty sure he invoked out of context quotes from people like Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln to defend his position (a position, I remind you, that was totally based on his misunderstanding of the situation).

I proposed getting a Mortal Kombat video game cabinet for non-Asians but my letter was never printed. I was just tired of getting my spine pulled out by the Asian students and figured I could probably beat a white person or two if only I could get the opportunity to play one!

I should probably begin discussing Earth 2: Society since it's beginning to get interesting. And by "interesting," I simply mean it's beginning to irk me enough to start ranting.

The various cities that have sprung up around Earth Too are ready to go to war over the planet's resource rights. The only problem is that the planet doesn't have any resources. Except for, you know, the two suns. And probably wind. Maybe water. Possibly geothermal. But even though the people of Earth 2 had the technology to build escape ships for a small chunk of their population (I'm not talking about the slipships that Mister Terrific and whoever found for the eventual escape from Darkseid), they apparently can't figure out solar power. It was explained earlier that somehow solar power doesn't work with these suns but I'm pretty sure that explanation was so that people like me would just shut up about it and simply deal with the plot as Dan Abnett wants me to deal with it.

During peace talks with the leaders of the cities, Green Lantern lets it slip that the planet has no natural resources. This leaves the leaders to draw the only conclusion possible: they have to all go to war to steal the other people's resources. I guess everybody has really bonded with the other people who just happened to wind up on the same escape ships as they did. I bet they think twice about going to war when they realize that two of the armies they'll have to battle are composed of Amazons and Atlanteans! I bet they start crying peace all over the place when they learn that little morsel!

I don't think I truly hated this comic book until this panel.

It's not that I'm annoyed that some asshole politicians aren't accepting any kind of responsibility for their own actions or are looking for somebody else to blame. I suppose that's fitting. But what I can't stand is how the "Wonders" just pull down their pants and take it. I don't know what "it" is but it's not any kind of rape, just in case you were about to feel triggered. If Green Lantern's response isn't, "Well, fuck it. I tried. Let them fucking sort it out," I'll be disappointed. Why superheroes feel the need to keep helping when all they receive in return is shit and more shit is beyond me. Oh, I get it. Because they're heroes and they do what's right no matter how popular it is. Although if that were the truth, then Superman really would be a fascist dickface, wouldn't he?

Fury of Amazonia wants to save the world for their own sake and believes they'll thank her for it later. Green Lantern wants to save the world even though they hate him and don't want his help. I say let Fury take over and Green Lantern can save the world if they all write really polite letters to him asking for his help.

The best part of the story is probably the part I won't spend a word on because that's no fun! I'll be all, "And then Ted Grant gets punched in the face and Red Arrow is all, 'My boxing glove arrow doesn't work on mist people!' But Batdick is all, 'Guys? Guys? Status, guys? Guys?' And then Ted Grant is all, 'What's gonna work?' And Red Arrow is all, 'Teamwork!'"

Anyway, Green Lantern is a big hippie failure so Sandman, Sato, and Steel (the S.S.S?) decide to impose martial law and kill anybody who doesn't do what they say. Serves them right!

Green Arrow #47

Sticks and stones would make more sense if Tarantula's super power had something to do with rocks.

Today, Matan4il responded to something I said on Tumblr with "Uh...tessatechaitea, were you being sarcastic and I missed it?" Then the person went on to explain why I was an idiot if I wasn't being sarcastic. You really have to appreciate how the humorless are sure to begin responding to something by taking a shot at you. I get the tone of your question, Matan4il! I hear you calling me a fucking idiot who is too stupid to get sarcasm right! Obviously it's easier to point out how stupid somebody is being than checking the person's blog to see the tone of it before making a judgment. Although it is much easier to assume I'm a dolt and then ask me to clarify thus pulling me right into your stupid fucking issues. I'm sorry for entertaining myself in a public forum! It won't happen again!

It especially won't happen while I'm reading Percy's Green Arrow. I certainly won't be having any fun while reading this garbage.

Wait. When did this happen? Did I miss the issue with the love story in it?!

Green Arrow has been captured by the Bone Hunters and thrown in a dungeon with his dog George. He helped Tarantula and her cousin escape even though she seemed to admit that she brought him there to trade away his life. George was captured because his bones are worth more than the normal dog bones for some reason. I think he's part werewolf or something. There was an origin story about it. I've forgotten it completely.

Tarantula decides she needs to save Oliver because they fell in love on the road trip. Or while they were captured. Or while they were arguing constantly. I'm not really good at reading signs so I don't know when they actually fell in love. I still thought they barely liked each other!

While I'm still confused from the sudden romantic subplot, Percy decides to shove in an origin story for Jefe, the leader of the Bone Collectors. Is the guy really interesting enough to need a backstory? Do I fucking care about this guy? I barely care about Green Arrow!

Working around drugs gives you cancerous semen?!

Jefe saved his child by praying to a Mayan god of death named Ah Puch. He taught him the medicinal properties of bones. Not only did his bone medicine cure his baby, it also proved the most addictive drug in the world. And so he sold it on the street and made billions of dollars and lived happily ever after. Until the day he overstepped his power and kidnapped Green Arrow and his dog George to use as powerful Day of the Dead sacrifices. If only powerful people had some way of knowing when they had enough so that they could continue to live happily ever after. Why can't they see retiring is a good thing? Doing nothing is awesome! There should be an off switch on ambition. Hell, in my case, I need an on switch for it!

"Scientific statement. Unscientific statement that some people might believe. Third completely nonsense statement that now sounds somewhat factual."

I suppose "ore of life" might be a metaphor for stem cells but I'd have to understand poetry to know for sure. I would think the testicles or the ovaries carried the actual ore of life but then maybe I'm too literal for this poetry nonsense!

Green Arrow responds to his upcoming sacrifice by saying, "You want my bones, but I'd rather give you the finger." I think it would have worked better if he said "a finger" but what do I know? Poetry, remember?! Bad at it, I am!

Jefe explains that bones are powerful artifacts and then brags about all of the different bones he has in his collection. He's rather vague about most of them. You'd think he'd cherish his collection a little more by announcing which kings's bones he had, or the names of the demons and murderers, or the name of the chieftain killed by the lion whose bones he has. He even says he has the bones of the dog who traveled with Lewis and Clark but refuses to give him his name, Seaman. Isn't part of the power within the bones due to their names? Maybe I've been doing magic wrong my entire life! It's possible since I learned everything I know simply by listening to Blizzard of Ozz ten thousand times.

Just before Ollie is sacrificed, he realizes that people will do anything for love. Except for that one thing. I never did know what that one thing was. I have a feeling it involved the anus. Speaking of Meatloaf, have you ever been to karaoke when somebody decided to sing "Paradise by the Dashboard Light"? That fucking song should be outlawed at karaoke joints. It feels like it's twenty minutes long and it's super repetitive! Audience members should be allowed to walk up on stage and kick people in the crotch when they choose karaoke songs that last more than four minutes. I almost said three but I thought I'd be generous in my make-believe laws.

Oh yeah! Also just before he's killed, Tarantula saves him from getting killed.

Maybe the one thing Meatloaf wouldn't do for love was say he was sorry.

Apparently Jefe's henchmen are zombies which is why it was okay for Green Arrow to kill them. Although did he know that beforehand? How did he know that? I think I keep missing things that are important to this story!

Because Jefe isn't able to make a sacrifice to Ah Puch, Ah Puch takes the life of his son who rots away in seconds. Pissed off, as he should be, Jefe renounces Ah Puch. It's a really poorly thought out decision that he shouldn't have made while not thinking clearly due to his son's death because Ah Puch sends all of the Death's Head Moths to devour him. It's gross.

This is even grosser.

Green Arrow #47 Rating: -1 Ranking. Where did this love story come from? Am I just supposed to assume that when a man and a woman spend any amount of time together, they automatically fall in love? I guess that scene at the border crossing where Ollie jokingly says they're on their honeymoon was all it took for Tarantula's heart to get all aflutter? Maybe all the times I read the sound effect "flutter" in this comic book, I mistakenly ascribed it to the Death's Head Moths' wings when it was actually the lovers' hearts! DC has broken up a lot of believable relationships and given us a lot of unbelievable ones. This one might be even worse than the love story of Wonder Girl and Superboy. I said might be!

Green Arrow #45

This is a stupid costume idea. How are you supposed to make out with Slutty Black Canary at the costume party?

This issue is called "The Bone Hunters" because Green Arrow hasn't had enough penis references lately. Last issue, Ollie met up with Tarantula who seems like a really sweet, respectful, and caring woman. At the same time, they were attacked by people in skull masks. I think the guys in the masks are the eponymous Bone Hunters. Although it could be Tarantula, if you get my sexy drift. The men in masks have kidnapped George aka Not-Pizza Dog aka Arrowdog. Tarantula advises Oliver to run from the masked guys without rescuing the dog because she doesn't realize how impossible Emiko is going to be when they get home without George. But Oliver realizes he doesn't have his bow and arrows so he's pretty useless. Besides, the guy who took George already ran away. Time to regroup! Maybe come up with a plan that involves shooting arrows at things.

As Oliver and The Tarantula flee the scene, Ollie thinks how the worst thing about the skeletons wasn't how they had big swords and were trying to kill him and took his dog but about how they didn't speak. Spooky! The Bone Hunters must be thinking the same thing because Ollie spends all of his time Narration Boxing instead of speaking. They probably returned to Boss Bone Hunter and were all, "It was so creepy, boss! He like hardly spoke at all! I mean, if you're defending yourself against murderers and you don't say 'Stop! Don't kill me!' or 'Who are you guys?' or 'What is this about?', it makes you seem hollow! Like you're full of, um, bees and sand! Or something."

I wish Oliver were as silent with his Narration Boxing as he is with his Speech Bubbles! But no! He's got to drone on and on about how skeletons are like super spooky and they don't speak except for the wind blowing through their eye sockets and their teeth are scary big rocks on hills! Shut the fuck up, asshole. You almost sound like Ann Nocenti is writing you again! Remember when she began her King Lear story arc with Ollie on the roof soliloquizing?! Apparently he still thinks he's some kind of artsy fartsy wordsmith.

Oliver and Tarantula get away by nearly killing a woman bathing when they shower her in plate glass. But everybody winds up okay and the skeletons decide to go dance in a graveyard or something. It gives Oliver time to explain to the readers how The Bone Hunters stole the skull of the first bear to come to America. He was off drinking dead men's toes up in Alaska at that time so he couldn't stop them. Diggle and Emiko were still in Seattle so their excuses for not stopping them are even worse. But now it's time for Green Arrow to team up with Tarantula! I can't think of two things that go together better than arrows and spiders!

Why did she seek out Green Arrow just to bicker with him? And what the fuck is the moth supposed to represent?!

Oliver is male and Catalina is female. Therefore this many pages can't go by without at least one of them thinking about the other in a sexual way. It's only natural! Especially after a long, hot, boring car drive where you bicker constantly while moths try to eat your eye juice. That's what moths do, right? Suck out eyes?

Oh! I think maybe Ollie is the Bone Hunter!

As they continue to drive, the car is swarmed by Death's Head Moths. I'm only guessing that's what kind of moths they are because they look like they're all sidekicks to the Punisher. Also weren't Death's Head Moths in an X-Files episode?

Oliver shoots a Flare Arrow into the sky and the moths follow it because that's what moths do. They follow arrows. At least it was nice to see Oliver shoot in arrow. He never even pulled out his bow in Issue #44. I guess he was too busy ignoring his date and thinking up a way to shake her.

Oliver and Catalina stop at a gas station to find it abandoned except for one tooth. Inside, the walls have been covered in Mayan pictographs. And along the far wall, a dead cashier is covered in symbols and moths. I think all of these clues are pointing to something bad happening!

See? I told you the skeletons went off to dance in a graveyard.

Green Arrow #45 Rating: -1 Ranking. Some stuff happened this issue but it wasn't much of anything that held my interest. An escape. A flashback. A road trip through moths. Not terribly exciting. But you can't argue the sexual chemistry between these two kids! It was practically dripping off the page on that one page where Oliver Narration Boxed how Catalina was making him hot in the pants. I'm going to do a little math here to figure what percentage of Green Arrow's stories have interested me since The New 52. Rounded up, I've enjoyed 0.9% of this comic book. How has it made it to issue #45?!

Convergence: The Flash #2

Out of 22 Convergence two issue sets so far, I've only picked up three where both covers had the Chip Kidd Variant. All these mismatched covers are probably hurting my collection! I should sue my Local Comic Book Shop!

Last issue ended with Barry Allen running into Tangent Universe Superman. Normally I'd suggest that they run a foot race to decide the winner of this contest but since it was determined in DC Comics Presents #1 that they're equally as fast (unless the ending was actually more ambiguous than I remember), and since Tangent Universe Superman is a magic being, I'm going to suggest something completely wild for their competition: card tricks! Think about it! Magic Superman should know loads of card tricks because he's, you know, magic! And what is magic except legerdemain? And legerdemain means "having fast hands" or something. Which is totally in Barry's wheelhouse!

Now I have to ask Lord Google what a wheelhouse is and what it has to do with a person's talents! Oh! It has to do with steamboat captains hitting home runs! Now I get it!

Stop running your mouths and pick a card already!

This issue is called "Race to the Finish" because it is a comic book about The Flash. What else could Dan Abnett have called it? "Hanging Out With Mr. Allen"?

By page four, the only running pun is the title of the story. And Tangent Superman has simply talked the entire time while Barry keeps responding, "So, like, we're supposed to fight or something?" Tangent Superman gains my estimable esteem by pointing out how nonsensical the original Star Trek episodes were. You might think he just means the ones where advanced beings make lesser beings battle but those are actually the ones that make the most sense! What's better than watching two roosters claw each other to death, amirite?! When is the last time any of you watched the original Star Trek and weren't twelve years old? Especially the episodes written by Roddenberry. I wonder why nobody ever explained to Roddenberry that an analogy was a way of telling one story by telling a different story that has no seeming similarities to the story the writer actually wants to tell? I think Roddenberry just thought an analogy was telling a story about 1960s human civilization but in space with aliens that looked just like humans and were dealing with the exact same thing with which 1960s humans were dealing.

It's a good thing that fact is simple because those are the only facts Barry can understand! Zoom! I mean Zing!

If Tangent Superman were as smart as he's saying he is, he'd realize that he's not convincing Barry to fight him at all! He's just giving Barry something to prove. I don't care how smart and magical Tangent Superman might be. The Flash can travel through time! The Flash can run at the speed of light! The Flash can vibrate his molecules until I can think up a joke for this third sentence because that's how comedy works! Tangent Superman has already lost this battle.

Now I want to see a fight between Midnighter and The Flash. Can Midnighter predict everything The Flash is going to do when The Flash can do five million things before Midnighter can even finish predicting The Flash's second move?

They're ramping up to the card trick face-off! Tangent Superman is so smart I bet he's dumb in whimsy! So Barry will win by challenging him to Fifty-two Card Pick-up!

So far this has been eight pages of these two guys just talking on the roof of a hotel and it's been one of the best issues of Convergence yet! Finally some thinkers working through the problem without worrying about some kind of time limit. I guess Barry never has to worry about time limits, and Tangent Superman figures he's already won. All those other super heroes panic too easily and figure they need to throw the first punch or they might lose.

And then on page nine, Barry throws the first punch. I spoke too soon! Coward! (It's still the best Convergence match-up so far!)

The Flash and Tangent Superman punch each other for a few fairly silent pages and it's enjoyable. I'm actually enjoying a fight sequence! I think because it was set up so nicely with the talking and the speaking and The Flash's inferiority complex. Eventually Tangent Superman uses his powers to stop The Flash's synapses from firing which if you're into biology means that The Flash loses. I guess. What's a synapse?! Wasn't that a tech company in the eighties out of Silicon Valley? How does keeping them from making employees redundant stop The Flash in his tracks?! It must have to do with time travel.

The Flash admits (under duress though!) that Tangent Superman outclasses him. Once Tangent Superman drops the synapse block, The Flash tries to surrender but Tangent Superman wisely stops him. I love that Tangent Superman is supposed to be hyper-intelligent and he actually acts like it! This is the part where I give Dan Abnett a rimjob for actually writing characters well. A figurative rimjob!

Tangent Superman realizes that while everybody on Planet Brainiac is divorced from their timeline, Barry is "disconnected from all multiversal timelines." That's because the asshole created them all in that Tale of Two Flashes comic book! Jerko!

This page gave me goosebumps.

After realizing that Barry is needed in the battle against the Anti-Monitor or else all the multiverses will die (including Marvel's, probably!), Tangent Superman yields and allows The Flash to win. To save DC Comics, he sacrifices the Tangent Universe because does anybody actually care about it? Just throw it in the trash alongside Jim Lee's Wildstorm! Don't worry, fans of those Earths! They still exist in The New 52 Multiverse somewhere! I think!

The issue ends with Barry saying something about not running from his destiny because of course it does! The Flash needs to go to a support group so he can stop dropping running analogies into every story he's in!

Convergence: The Flash #2 Rating: I really enjoyed this one because it had smart characters talking like they're smart! I mean one smart character and Barry! Zip! I mean zing! I give it 9.5 Cosmic Treadmills out of 10! This comic ran circles around the other Convergence comics!

Divergence: New Suicide Squad
"An unstable, violent group has broken away from the League of Assassins and only the World's Greatest Villains stand a chance of stopping them!"

Oh boy! A Suicide Squad composed of the World's Greatest Villains instead of the usual C-Listers that make the group more interesting! Here we go again with Sean Ryan at the helm filling the Squad with ringers that we all know won't die! I think this comic book title needs a new title! How about World's Greatest Villains Squad?

It's weird how little faith DC Comics has in a Suicide Squad built up around C-Listers. They're thinking too hard about this comic book. Maybe it will fail with C-Listers since you really do need an all-star writer to make that book interesting. And I suppose they can't risk this book failing with the movie on the horizon and all. It's got to be on the shelves when the movie makes it popular. And now it's going to have to be composed of at least a good number of the characters in the movie Squad so that when movie fans pick it up, they won't be disappointed by finding a Squad full of characters they've never heard of. And of course, Harley Quinn must remain on the team to ensure a certain level of sales, even if she absolutely does not belong in this group.

The team battles a Rocket Red and Captain Boomerang acts brave and defeats it by murdering some soldiers and stealing a tank. Then when Amanda gives him some Warm Fuzzies, he says, "Tank you." That took me a minute to get the joke because I thought Sean Ryan was just trying to make him sound Australian and failing. Then some government types (you know? The kind that are always interfering with Task Force X?) decide to start ending the program somehow. To find out how, purchase New Suicide Squad #9! On sale in June! Or just read my commentary on it. Probably ready for public viewing in August! I'm so far behind!

Convergence: The Flash #1

Barry Allen gets to live!

Barry Allen deserved to die in Crisis On Infinite Earths. The villain of any story must be punished at the end of the story or else you teach children that chaos, bedlam, and scoffing at laws pay off in the end. We can't have that. So Barry Allen, being the initial cause of the Infinite Earth Debacle, had to die as the chaos he created finally came to a close. It's simple arithmetic. By way of literature.

This issue manages to gain One Speed Force Point (The Flash earns Speed Force Points whenever the writer makes a pun based on The Flash's super speed or his name or anything else that I think is punny enough) right off the bat by calling itself "Out of the Running." What is it about The Flash that linked puns to his super power? Was that part of his origin that I missed? Is it because he gained his powers from a "flash" of lightning? That isn't really a pun but it's close enough to the level of puns one might find while reading a Flash comic book. Nobody really cares what happens in this story right? I haven't read it yet but I'm pretty sure it will be about how Barry Allen has learned to live without his powers or his city or Iris West for the last year. And then Planet Brainiac will challenge him to battle for Gotham's life and then the issue will end. Unless it's one of those issues that introduces the bad guy and lets Barry interact with them a little bit before it ends. Either way, it's the same story I've read twenty-seven times before this. So let's just count up the Speed Force Points and run along, shall we?

The title page garners two Speed Force Points! One for "Out of the Running" and one for Barry "flashing" the city.

The third page shows he has a treadmill in his bedroom (possibly of the cosmic variety) and even though he's also making coffee to keep himself moving, no Speed Force points are earned. He's still wearing his costume ring. Does that mean if he opens the ring, does a teeny, tiny costume fall out? You know, because shapeshifters seem to be stuck in the shape or at the size they were when the dome fell, so his suit can't grow, right? I wonder if Plastic Man is stuck in the form of a mailbox?

The treadmill is his cosmic treadmill. Barry just happened to be visiting from the 30th Century where he and Iris went to live. And while he was in town, the dome dropped down on him. And he lost his powers.

But he gained another Speed Force Point!

I hope this issue ends with Barry facing off against a bunch of gorillas from one of the other cities so that next issue can be called "Gorilla Warfare!" That's always a funny joke to use whenever Grodd appears!

Barry has decided that he's no use against the impenetrable dome so maybe he should leave it up to smarter, less boring depowered super heroes. Instead of helping find a way out of the dome, he runs. That's not worth a Speed Force Point. There's nothing funny about Barry running in the mornings! Even if he has to do it at normal speed!

This gets half a Speed Force Point for playing off the fact that Barry would normally say, "I'll be there in a flash!" Also, pagers! Ha ha!

Barry's lab assistant at the Gotham Police Department is a woman named Josie who wants Barry to be more than a coworker. But since he can't give up hope that he'll never find Iris again (especially since he has a cosmic treadmill that will allow him to go to any time to find her (also can't it take him to a time before he had sex with Josie so he technically didn't cheat on Iris? Just, you know, thinking out loud)). While thinking about how he's stuck in this other life that he isn't ready to accept, he thinks, "Maybe this is what life is going to be. I can't run from it." Bold text not mine! Thanks for making sure I caught that one, Tom Napolitano! That makes the score four and one half Speed Force Points so far. That's already a pretty good score and I'm not even halfway through this comic.

Barry skips having coffee with Josie because he has a date with Bruce. They talk about how Barry is a quitter and Bruce is a never-gonna-quitter. And then they end with a Speed Force Point!

Barry only understands advice in running analogies.

Barry leaves Bruce and takes a cab back to work. On the way, he gets a page from Josie about a crime scene nearby. Barry tells the cabbie that "it's faster on foot" and moves the Speed Force Point total to six and a half! And then Planet Brainiac chimes in with his blah blah fucking la dee blah.

When the dome falls, Barry runs off to talk to Bruce and realizes he has his super speed back. But not before some guy says, "That's right, buddy. Run and hide!" Ha ha ha! Ow. My sides!

And on the final page, The Flash meets his competition.

This must be Tangent Universe Superman.

Convergence: The Flash #1 Rating: Seven and a half Speed Force Points! That's a pretty good score although I think it's a bit low if this were truly representative of a Pre-Crisis Flash comic book. I think DC Editorial mandated three good puns per page back then. I wonder if Batman ever screamed at Barry to knock it off while on a Justice League mission. "You don't hear me talking about fucking bats all of the time, do you?!" And then of course everybody began pointing out all of his Batgear and then he'd stomp off in a huff.

DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire

The use of "UNLEASHED!" for the cover copy usually annoys me since nobody is actually ever leashed. But Starfire most definitely was throughout her youth. So I'll give it a pass this month. But no more characters UNLEASHED! from here on out.

Starfire's story begins with her killing a bunch of alien gorilla men. Some pen on paper journal entry narrator claims she came in promising liberation but bringing devastation. Well what do you want, slave? A whip across your back but relative peace or freedom and war? Make your cho--oh wait. Starfire just made the choice for you.

If I ever again find myself in a position where I know I'm going to die and somebody asks me this question, that's the answer I'm giving next time! "To give you hours of oral pleasure" may save your life until help arrives but it's not a story I'm particularly ready to tell my grandchildren! Although if my captor looks like Starfire next time, I think I'll definitely go with my original answer.

The Gorilla Aliens Kori kills are guards on a gigantic space ship filled to bursting with slaves from all over. The interior is not just composed of prison cells though. The guards she just killed kept watch over a small village of slaves with huge red beauty marks on their foreheads. I think it was a slave ship like this one that crashed in Roswell in 1947 causing Lobo to be imprisoned on Earth for many, many years. Kori was a slave to these aliens as a child but she escaped. This time it seems she allowed herself to be captured so that she could ruin the slavers day.

"Grow a backbone, you coward! Unless your race doesn't have backbones! I didn't mean any offense! Unless you take offense at me thinking you're a coward. Then I meant offense!"

So this guy confronts Starfire thinking she'll leave. But she doesn't. Instead, she cuts off both of his hands and tells him to shut the fuck up or get the fuck out. I'm pretty sure he's going to betray his own people simply to get back at Starfire for humiliating him. Oh, and maiming him.

What I meant to say was that the reader will suspect that he'll betray Starfire but it will really be Starfire's little pal! So totally obvious. You really thought I thought that other thing for real? Ha! No way!

The village kicks Kori out now that she has a scout ship and can leave the vessel. They'd rather be alive and slaves than dead and dead. I guess the saying would typically go something like "free and dead" but if you're dead who the fuck cares about anything else? Slave and dead, or free and dead. It's all fucking the same thing! So Kori gets away and then the person that wanted to purchase her as a slave is revealed!

It's Fin Fang Foom! From the Speedy Issue!

DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire Rating: No change. What the fuck is wrong with you, Fin Fang Foom?! You know what it's like to be a slave and now you're dealing with slavers? Asshole. The timing on this thing is weird but I guess I can sort of make it work. Maybe. While Speedy was freeing Fin Fang Foom, Jason Todd and Kori were putting Nuts and Bolt in jail. But immediately after that, I guess Kori was captured by the slavers. Then she spent about an hour putting the lives of the red spotted people in danger before she was kicked out and escaped. It couldn't have been too long since Fin Fang Foom wanted her captured and he could have only given the order while free of his hypno-neck leash. And since Fin Fang Foom's previous master still has a black eye from his fight with Speedy and Fin Fang Foom, I think all of this Kori stuff happened in the space of a day or two. That works!

This comic book wasn't bad which is why I didn't lower the ranking. But it's the kind of comic book you forget about immediately after bagging it and putting it away. Just not much going on in it. Unless you like stories that teach Kori that not everybody wants what she has to give. Then you might cherish this as the best story ever told!