Supergirl #18

Really? Is that a thing? Is that why H'el was so strong? He was mainlining Kryptonite?

It looks like Supergirl has developed a severe case of Kryptonite poisoning from hiding the Kryptonite she used to defeat H'el in her panties. Does this cover mean that she's actually stronger due to the Kryptonite's influence? Or is this some kind of a Midwestern "it builds character" type of bullshit?

Even if Supergirl is under the influence of Kryptonite, at least she isn't caught up in a Tott Dedell storyline anymore! I have to say that H'el on Earth may have had the worst payoff of any comic book I've ever read in all my years reading comic books. How often did Scott Lobdell play up this Oracle thing only to have it play a few charades with Superman and then leave. So now Lobdell introduced two characters that were supposedly super powerful and he didn't explain either of them. Why did H'el have all the various powers he had? Why was he so much stronger than Superman? And what was this Oracle and why did it waste its fucking time traveling really, really, really slowly to Earth only to do nothing and head back home? I wonder if Scott Lobdell was surprised by how badly his story turned out. I wonder if he was disappointed with it and blamed the story as opposed to himself.

Scott Lobdell: "I waited all this time to find out what happened and it just petered out and sucked cosmic balls! Stupid story! How dare you surprise me with such a lame ending!"

Oh, I'm sorry, Supergirl! I often find myself sidetracked talking about Scott Lobdell. I wonder if he's one of those people that goes around proudly proclaiming, "Love me or hate me, at least I make you feel something!" Scott Lobdell makes me feel gassy.

And then I open the cover.

What in the nine fucking hells?!

I paid for a comic book featuring the stunningly cute Supergirl drawn by Mahmud Asrar, not Robson Rocha! I want my fucking money back, you Goddamned filthy cheating lying bitch bastards! I don't even know if I want to read this comic book now! I was in the mood to hop right back in the saddle with Mike Johnson and Mahmud Asrar (does that make me sound gay? I mean, gayer?) but instead I find myself shacked up with Frank Hannah and Robson Rocha?! Suck my cock! No, no. Not you, Frank. DC Comics!

I'm so angry I'm not even going to change the tags. Let people looking for Mahmud Asrar's Supergirl's Bum be severely disappointed when they find a Bum drawn by Robson Rocha. I don't even remember if I like Rocha's art or not! I just know I really, really liked Mahmud's look on this title and now that's over. Sad face.

Super sad face.

This issue begins with some narration from a not-quite-so-omniscient narrator.

This narrator isn't simply unreliable; he's confused.

Lex Luthor is definitely resting quietly. But that doesn't mean he isn't doing anything. See why the narrator was so confused? It was mistaking resting with being in a coma. What Lex Luthor is actually doing is having a meeting in his mind with Maxipussy (because she's an Octopus with way more than eight legs, pervert!), Appex (because that's what Luthor calls him), and The Overgrown Man (because fuck if I know what his real name). The meeting place is called his "solar-powered, techno-organic hub" and he can upload information from outside the prison. I knew this was just his vacation home.

While Lex is barely being updated by his stupid partners (who might be geniuses but compared to Luthor? Come on!), he notices that Supergirl was poisoned by Kryptonite. He finds this very interesting. He doesn't elaborate and I'm barely the 1,223,543,390th smartest person in the world, so how can I guess what the Smartererst Person in the World is thinking?! My guess is cupcakes.

To heal herself, Kara has just spent two weeks and two sets of double splash pages sitting on a satellite near the sun and absorbing as much sunlight as possible. Hey Frank, you asshole! First DC steals my money by pretending that a different creative team is writing this comic book and then you make my money worth even less by using four fucking pages to show Kara absorbing sunlight. NOW you can suck my cock.

The way Rocha draws these women, I can't tell what parts of them are clothed and which parts aren't! Am I titillated or not?! I'm as confused as the narrator!

Back inside Luthor's head, Maxipussy turns out to be somebody named Alphina. Does that make sense? Is there a reason for it? Or did Lex Luthor simply pick up a Directory of Super Villains and start picking teammates at the "A"s? They're trying to keep an eye on Supergirl but they lose her when she teleports from orbiting the sun to deep within the center of the Earth to The Block, Dr. Veritas's Omnilab.

Over at Starr Enterprises, Karen Starr and Somya are watching the news when they see some footage of Supergirl.

Geez! Calm down, Power Girl! She just said she looked like you. She didn't claim she was your long lost lesbian twin lover.

Supergirl decides she doesn't need Dr. Veritas poking around in her unmentionables to see how the Kryptonite affected them, so she storms out of The Block. Of course storming out of The Block just means she's now wandering around in the molten core of Earth. Whiles she's wandering around feeling terrific, she suddenly develops a Kryptonite-induced migraine and crashes into the lava where she meets an old friend of Superboy's.

I don't remember much about this creature because my commentary for Superboy #3 was mostly just pictures of boobs and butts.

At least the narrator and I aren't the only people confused by this woman.

"You stupid lava girl." Now that's how I like my comic book heroes to talk!

Supergirl flies straight up through the Earth with Stupid Lava Girl clinging to her. They enter space where Stupid Lava Girl loses her fire and turns human, after which they plummet to Earth and create a huge crater. Supergirl ends up unconscious and Stupid Lava Girl seeps into the ground when the military shows up to capture them. So now instead of having unwanted medical tests run on her, Supergirl is going to be experimented on by the military! So much better.

Meanwhile in her busy business meeting, Karen Starr's vagina explodes.

THRAAAAWSH is the Earth 2 equivalent of FWAAAAAASH.

Supergirl #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I have to apologize to Frank Hannah for telling him to suck my cock. Besides the four wasted pages, the rest of the comic book was well paced. I'm a bit loopy from lack of sleep, but this issue made me feel like I was reading a comic book from when I was a kid. It seemed to hit all the right beats. It had a gang of super villains plotting. It had a super hero rejecting a doctor telling her what's good for her. It had a fight with a naked lava woman. It had Power Girl's boobs. It had somebody calling somebody else stupid. There was a sort-of-omniscient narrator.

Normally I would "end" my Supergirl commentary with Supergirl's rear "end". But I'm retiring that feature until Mahmud Asrar is allowed back on this comic book!