Sword of Sorcery #8

Eclipso knows how to satisfy the ladies!

Here's the secret to writing: don't give a shit what anybody thinks! There might be some other secrets as well. Like exaggerate as much as possible. And maybe create unlikable characters that people really like to dislike. Also always tell the truth when lying as much as possible. That one is pretty important. Never letting your spouse or parents or children or siblings read what you write helps you to be more truthful, so don't show anybody you care about. If they tell you it's good, you won't believe them and if they tell you it sucks, they're assholes. Also, you're probably writing nasty things about them because writing is a good way to get negative shit off of your chest and you probably don't want your husband reading about how much you hate it when he scratches his balls and sniffs his fingers.

Here's the secret to writing that everybody always tells so it's not actually a secret: if you want to write, write. As a Reader, you might think that's the worst advice you've ever heard! But boy howdy is it good advice since Writers are fucking lazy assholes! Seriously! They want to make a living out of simply spewing imaginary pablum from our imaginations? Really?! Go build something, you lazy twat!

Actually, Writers are very busy and industrious, so that previous paragraph was one of those exaggerating lies of truth I mentioned. You'll never see a cleaner house than the house of a Writer avoiding writing!

If you want to read one of the greatest books about Writing while at the same time reading a lot of pretty good pornography, you should read Nicholson Baker's The Fermata. You know something I forget to do all of the time? Put titles of things in italics. That's because I use quotation marks so much due to referencing comic book issue titles and also because I'm an idiot who hates remembering stylistic norms. There might be better books about Writing out there but I guarantee they won't have any porn in them.

You know what other book probably doesn't have any porn in it? Sword of Sorcery! It even lacks the stereotypical chainmail bikinis and barely covered sorceresses and oiled up barbarians in loincloths with their wangs hanging out. I bet nobody in Fantasy Worlds was ever having sex due to all the chafed, pinched, bruised, and battered genitalia.

Meanwhile on Gemworld, I believe these two panels sum up the action decently enough since I wasted all of my summing up paragraphs with bullshit.

I don't think this is his work but I saw Travis Moore in the art credits with Aaron Lopresti and John Livesay and I remember really hoping to see more of his work last time I saw his name in Sword of Sorcery #4. Look at me with the research instead of just saying "last time in whatever fucking comic book he drew."

Lady Akikra gathers up the small force of heroes needed to defeat the great big evil. I mentioned last time that this was a fantasy book and that we all needed the common fantasy tropes and clichés or we wouldn't understand it! The group consists of those with the Blood Power of a Gem House behind them or else they would easily be taken over by Eclipso's Mind-Eclipse-Hypno Power. I wish he'd name that power already! Maybe he just calls it "eclipsing." That makes sense. The new Lord Turquoise has some misgivings about bringing Amy's fight instructor along.

My guess is two-story Colonial!

Eclipso begins the battle which is over in three seconds as he eclipses the entirety of Lady Mordiel's Amethyst Army. Eclipso believes he can win because the power of House Amethyst is split between three women. But if he kills any of those women, the power will begin to consolidate. So my guess is that he's looking to capture them alive. My other guess is where the fuck is Amethyst's father's ghost? Oh, that wasn't a guess. That was a question. Anyway, where is he?!

The heroes arrive through one of Lady Akikra's portals which seems somehow anticlimactic. Shouldn't there have been six hundred pages of journeying and battling smaller foes and girding loins and losing faith and regaining faith and pressing on and never giving in? These heroes have it easy! Luckily Amy was able to come up with a plan on the nearly instantaneous journey to confront their foe. I bet it has something to do with holding hands and love! Although I hope it has more to do with stabbing people in the face and love.

Oh, I'm so dumb! Of course the plan revolves around the burglar!

And then I read the page where the plan is put into action and I think, "Wait. Why did that just happen?" So I read it again. And then again. And then I remember that House Turquoise has the power of disguise and it all made sense. That's how us old people consume media. Just check your parents' or grandparents' remote controls and you'll notice the rewind button is a little more worn than the rest of them.

"What just happened? Who was that guy? Why did he attack her? That didn't make no sense nohow, showing that scene in the middle of the battle! Why, it's got ta mean somethin'! What am I missin'? Where are my spectacles?"

Once Amy gets the Black Diamond, she signals her mother and her aunt to turn the Gigantic Amethyst Processing Gem on her so she can catalyze the whatsit to the something or other and end Eclipso's reign once and for all!

I was hoping the plan would go off without a hitch for once but it's a fantasy story and a comic book, so what was the likelihood of that?! Eclipso eye lasers the Gigantic Amethyst Processing Gem, destroying it and collapsing it on Lady Mordiel and Amethyst's mother. Then Eclipso presses his attack against Amethyst, shattering her magic sword and grasping her by the throat. If there was ever a time for a cliffhanger, this would be it!

But this comic doesn't have much life left in it, so it has to get one with things. Lady Graciel and Lady Mordiel transfer their powers to Lass Amaya. She breaks free from Eclipso and powers up! Now she should just shove the Black Diamond down Eclipso's throat and banish him into it, thus forcing him into a recursion that will spiral into a wisp of nothingness.

Enh. Close enough! Back into the Black Diamond with you, Ejerko!

The Black Diamond poits out of existence but everybody knows better. Eclipso's prison is still around somewhere and it must be found before the next eclipse or he'll escape. Perhaps it was taken by the ghost of Amaya's father! Princess Amaya and her mother and her aunt and all the Lords of the Gemstone Houses and her battle trainer all lived happily ever after. For at least five months, anyway, since that's when the next eclipse has been scheduled.

Sword of Sorcery #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. I take it this was the final issue! It wrapped up well and I'm sad to see it go. I guess it just didn't have enough Batman in it.

Sword of Sorcery #6

What did Lucifer have to gain by having Exoristos bring the Black Diamond out of Hell? Does Lucifer gain the souls of anyone killed or possessed by Eclipso? And what is Eclipso if he's born from Hell? Just another demon and not a God? Hopefully this issue will elucidate the connection between Gemworld and The Black Diamond. Perhaps The Black Diamond actually originated in Gemworld. It was then brought to Earth. On Earth, it probably caused a lot of trouble before somebody banished it to Hell. Once in Hell, Lucifer probably found Eclipso was a fucking annoying prat, so he had Exoristos take the gem back to Earth. If The Black Diamond hadn't already been returned to its master (that weird doctor from Arkham), I'd believe that Constantine was now bringing it back to Gemworld where it belongs.

While Preet and Fuzzybutt are discovering that Preet's new Super S Turquoise Powers are good for creating disguises, Amethyst is learning what Sailor Star Amethyst Powers can do.

"Sapphires that keep beer cold, Diamonds that increase sexual potency, Opals that poison wine, Cubic Zirconia that engender falsehoods, Garnets that, well, who the fuck knows what Garnets do, and Black Diamonds that turn people into immortal assholes."

Later Amethyst gets to spend some time with Ingvie, her new best Gemworld friend ("That's prejudiced thinking of her as her 'Gemworld' friend!" "Thanks, Grandpa. Can we just catch some fish now?") who, being from House Citrine, has a photographic memory. So she can tell Amy anything she want's to know. Well, anything that she's spent the time studying.

Wouldn't you know she decided the "War of the Eclipse" wasn't new enough history to read about! What kind of historian is this girl? "That's Ancient History, so it's not worth knowing!" You're going to wish you knew it in a few pages, young lady!

If the power of Onyx neutralizes other Blood-Powers, then the two assassins that went after Amethyst's mom were horrible at their job. I guess since it's the Blood-Power of Onyx that neutralizes Blood-Powers, only the leader or leaders of House Onyx have that power. Just like Amethyst and her mom and her aunt all share the House of Amethyst Blood-Powers but nobody else has those. It's possible the Blood-Powers are separate from the regular powers of people of the Houses, but I'm not sure. Ingvie mentions House Citrine having "dormant powers" which makes me think all the regular people of each house have powers associated with the House. But only the leader and those the leader shares her powers with have the Blood-Powers.

Meanwhile in the House of Mystery, John Constantine is fucking around with his Magical Spy Mirror which he stole from the CEO of Supernatural Artifacts Incorporated in Chicago back in Swords of Sorcery #4. It's too bad he didn't have this mirror earlier. It would be a decent enough explanation for how he knows so much about all of the other characters in The New 52. But then again, Constantine has the House of Mystery and his sexy, charming, magical nature. Those things go a long way when one needs to learn secrets. Currently on the other side of the Magic Mirror is Eclipso.

My first reaction was to ask why would John do this? And then I remember, why does John do anything? There must be something for him to gain!

Back to Gemworld, Amethyst is busy putting away her study materials in the Turquoise Treasury when she runs into a creepy toucher. The guy paws at her skin but when he touches her, he transforms into Preet. Ingvie recognizes him instantly for what he is: the wild seed where House Turquoise Lord Firojha's power went after he was killed by Lady Akikra!

When Amy called Preet an idiot and pointed out he was stealing from himself, this cynical, stone-faced bastard laughed out loud.

Amethyst is able to subdue him with her mist-silk although it ends up with her falling all over him. Preet says, "I could get to like this...". But wouldn't he be her uncle? I'm just guessing that power of House Turquoise had to go to one of Lord Firojha's sons or else it would have gone to Amethyst since she's the next in line by blood. I guess he could also be her brother if Amethyst's father Vyrian had had a bastard son before marrying Lady Graciel. Which just made this new love interest super love interesting!

I had to Google for Lord Vyrian's name by putting "Amethyst's father" into Google. Google sent me to my commentary on Issue #5. Thanks, Google, for reminding me that my memory sucks!

Meanwhile in Death Valley, John Constantine meets up with Eclipso.

I've always been confused about how Eclipso works. Does he always have to have a human host? Is he currently inhabiting the Arkham Scientist whose name I can't remember but if I Googled, I'd learn it from one of my old commentaries?

Eclipso saying he's been exiled to this squalid world makes me think he's actually from Gemworld. So he either ends up in Hell after he's exiled from Gemworld which would mean he was exiled at least one thousand years ago. Or probably more since it's ancient history. One thousand years isn't quite ancient history enough! Well, not to me anyway. I guess to a teenaged girl of House Citrine, it might be. But that would mean the Black Diamond did end up in Hell somehow and it bothered Lucifer enough that he needed to get rid of it. Why he needed Exoristos to take it out is another story. But if Lucifer couldn't even stand him, it then Eclipso must be the worst roommate ever.

Constantine fires up the portal and gets ready to bid farewell to Eclipso. And he was here for so short a time! He only got to interfere with three titles! Unless there were more? Let's see...Team 7, All Star Western, and Catwoman. I think that was it! Good riddance, Moon Face!

Oh yeah! Alex Montez was his name. And he uses the alias "Bruce Gordon" which was the original Eclipso host's name. Before Eclipso became some kind of Vengeance God of the Moon.

Once Eclipso is through the portal with Amethyst, Constantine blows the crystal. By destroying the crystal, it releases the spirit of her father Lord Vyrian who flutters through the portal before it closes once and for all. I'm not completely sure Constantine knew that would happnen.

On Gemworld, the portal closes as well and Alex Montez wastes no time becoming Eclipso and blasting everybody with some Moon Prism Power, knocking them all unconscious. With all the goody-goody princesses out of his way, Eclipso wanders off to torment the racist Citrine Historian from last issue. Poor woman! If she only knew beforehand that she was going to star in a horror movie, she might have tried to hide her flaw! Now that she's been exposed as a racist, the audience won't mind when she gets killed and might even stand up and cheer.

Not that I would! I always feel really sad and cry whenever anybody dies in a movie.

Okay, that's not true. But it is true that I always cry whenever an animal dies in a movie! That scene in I Am Legend when Jazzy Jeff kills his dog. Oh my God! Stop manipulating me, movie makers! Or that scene in Of Mice and Men when the old man pisses and moans about not blowing his own dog's head off! Okay, that wasn't very sad. That was more annoying. But when Sherilynn Fenn gets her puppy neck broken, I bawled for ten minutes. Partly because I was beginning to masturbate thinking she was going to get naked. Scarred for life, I tell you! That'll teach me to think a scene where a puppy gets murdered would lead into nudity!

Oh yeah! Totally ancient history!

Eclipso tries to possess the racist but learns that he can't control anybody with the Blood-Power. That seems odd. He's the Master of the Moon, you'd think he'd be Master of Menstruation as well. Since he can't control this woman because she's on her period, he breaks her neck. Is this negative commentary on being a misogynist? How dare a comic book preach to me! If I want to travel to a fictional world and break a racist's neck, that's my prerogative!

I think I should get in better shape for Halloween. Eclipso would be a kick ass costume. Oh! And then I could wear it at a convention and call it a cosplay instead of a costume!

Once Lady Racist is killed, her Blood-Power transfers to Amy's bestie, Ingvie Malmsteen. Now Amethyst can't boss her around anymore because they're equals! Although Amethyst's are prettier than Citrines, so we know who's going to keep the power in that friendship. And then the story ends and my moratorium I called while reading DC Universe Presents #18: Starfire ends before I can even finish one more issue!

I said nobody else was to be "UNLEASHED!"

Now it's time to read about Stalker, The Man That Was Just Like Every Other Man in That He Didn't Have This Thing Called a Soul. Last month ended with his apartment being raided by Lucifer and a bunch of demons as his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great granddaughter was about to give birth to his great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great great grandchild.

The mother dies in childbirth leaving Stalker to escape with the baby, find a man of God, steal a buttload (I prefer this over the actual "boatload") of salt, and barricade himself inside of a church to make his last stand against Lucifer.

Wasn't this the movie poster of every third action movie in the late eighties?

Sword of Sorcery #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. The moral of this issue of Amethyst is "Do not trust John Constantine." That's the moral of every comic book that features John Constantine. I have a feeling it'll be a regular motif in this month's new comic book, "Constantine." Amethyst is still young and naive and didn't really know John that well, so I can't blame her for falling for his cigarette smoking wiles.

Sword of Sorcery #5

Worst assassins ever. "There's our quarry! Be sure she sees us and has time to draw her weapon. We wouldn't want to murder her by silent or secret attack often for political reasons!"

Amethyst begins with Amy returning to Gemworld and telling her mother how she touched Timothy Hunter and "woke up his power." She and her mother must have a fairly close relationship to discuss things like this. I would feel kind of weirded out telling my mom how I touched some guy. Although I have no problem telling the entire internet how some guy touched me! The Ken part of Me and Ken is Doom Bunny, for those people keeping score. The me part is me.

She just told you she was off touching boys and you freak out about the pizza?!

Amethyst accidentally transfers the power of the Portal Crystal into the amethysts she wears on her person so she can travel between Gemworld and Earth more easily. When this happens, some bigot of House Citrine starts whining about how Turquoises and Amethysts shouldn't interbreed. Next she'll probably start pointing out how the members of House Onyx can't swim but are super good at assassinating. And how the members of House Diamond can't dance and love to stab siblings in the back. That bitch is racist. Or am I racist for coming up with all the racist stuff I imagine she believes?

No, no. She's racist. You can see it in the way Aaron Lopresti drew her racist eyes.

Is it racist to point out that everyone in House Citrine is racist?

Amethyst and her mom take a road trip to visit the tomb of Amethyst's father in the Land of Turquoise. While on the road, Amethyst learns how her father researched how to open up a portal to Earth so that his family could hide there from Amethyst's Aunt Mordiel, if it came to that. During the story, Amethyst incidentally learns a little about Eclipso's history.

So the Black Diamond was brought to earth from Hell by Exoristo. Then somewhere along the way, it passed on into Gemworld (perhaps it was even instrumental in creating Gemworld?). And then Eclipso caused a bunch of fucking trouble and was kicked out and sent back to earth.

At her dad's tomb, Amethyst learns a little more. Like how her grandfather betrayed her mother and father resulting in her father, Vyrian, having to give up his own life to open the portal to earth to save his family. So Amethyst's aunt and grandfather are both assholes, although her grandfather seems remorseful. But it's easy to act guilty and remorseful after you've gotten all of your power back from your stupid dead son. She also learns that a couple of assassins are lying in wait to kill her mother.

In Dungeons and Dragons, two high level assassins can usually defeat a Level One teenaged girl.

Amethyst uses her Firestarter powers to kill one of the assassins. Except she doesn't create fire with her mind. She creates pointy gems and flings them through the air. She's not pyrokinetic; she's kosmimakinetic. Or something. I never claimed to be a linguist! I'm fairly decent at bullshitting though. It's very similar.

Amethyst kills the second assassin in the more conventional blade through the sternum way. She's become a pretty good survivor even though she isn't enjoying the killing. Probably because there isn't any loot to be had after the battle. The loot is always the best part and the main reason for killing! Killing for self-defense is boring.

After the battle, Lady Akikra of House Onyx shows up with some sketchy story about how she was there to make sure her "rogue assassins" failed. That must be why they were so awful at assassinating! They put all of their experience and skill points into thieving! Dumb dumbs! Lady Akikra gives Amethyst a Healing Ruby to help her mother and kills Amethyst's grandfather as an extra special bonus present. Gee, thanks!

No heir? Amethyst is sitting right there! Total heir-head! If Amethyst didn't suddenly fill up with Turquoise Power, that means her grandfather or her dad had a little bastard on the side somewhere before she was born. Otherwise she was next in line for the power.

Oh! And in the last two pages, we get to meet this bastard. He's a thief goes by the name of Preet. But the best part is he has a pet cat named Fuzzybutt! I sense a new favorite character coming on!

No, not fucking Preet. The kitty cat!

I can't believe this title is on the chopping block. I bet Didio hates it because it takes place on a world separate from earth and then hampers his ability to "world-build". It's building its own world with solid characters and an interesting history. And I like Amethyst! But I guess if it's sales aren't as good as Superboy's sales, I can only blame other comic book readers for supporting shit while despising fun. "Hey, Mr. Comic Book Store Owner! Can you put Shit, Crap, Vomit, and Excrement on my monthly pull list! Yeah, a little of Lobdell's and a pile of DeFalco's. Oh! And Ann Nocenti's pussy discharge." Pussy as in that yellow stuff that comes out of festering wounds, you misogynist gun jumpers!

Next up is Stalker! I claimed last issue that Stalker killed all across time for fun and has only recently met up with Lucifer, the person that owns his soul. But it sounds more like Stalker was doing all of the killing across time for Lucifer. And the story focuses on this killing because it could possibly be Stalker's final job for the devil. He has to find a woman name Clarissa Rowe that has something of Lucifer's. I don't know if Stalker is supposed to kill her or not. I also don't know if I should recognize that name.

Stalker finds her pregnant ass pretty quickly because this is only the back-up story. It doesn't have time to fuck around being that it only has eight pages.

As I mentioned last issue: this story would deal with his long lost family.

Even though letting Lucifer have Stalker's great-great-great-nearly-ad-infinitum-grandson would mean Stalker would get his soul back, Stalker decides to fight Lucifer by casting Rune Spell in Rune Speak (Rune Speak is, apparently, the proper name for DC's Alien Language which was last called (in Swamp Thing) "Old Portugese" [sic]). He escapes with his progeny and heads back to his shit-hole apartment.

Apparently the Ninja Turtles own their own pizza place now.

Stalker begins to help Clarissa deliver her baby when the devil and his host of demons appears for the big showdown. Which will happen next issue. And which I don't really care that much about. I'm not a fan of Stalker. He's like Phantom Stranger Lite.

Sword of Sorcery #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying Amethyst in Gemworld more and more. And since I'm now reminded of it, I'll watch the DC Nation Amethyst cartoons!

The first one introduces us to Amy and her new problem. So cute. Love the Sailor Moon transformation.

The second part teaches us of her quest! And her ability to think under spiders!

The third part is just fucking adorable.

The fourth part should end, "I'm proud to be a Skeleton-Gemworldian!"

The fifth part ends on a cliffhanger that I can't unhang from because I guess the next part hasn't aired yet?! Dammit! I watched them too soon!

Stalker! (as seen in Sword of Sorcery #4)

Part 12 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

Personal Data
Alter Ego: Unknown [And unpronounceable!]
Occupation: Warrior [The New 52: Sad and lonely king.]
Marital Status: Single [The New 52: Widowed.]
Known Relatives: None [The New 52: His baby's great x 10,000 grandchildren.]
Group Affiliation: None
First Appearance: STALKER #1
Base of Operations: Geranth
Height: 5'8" Weight: 145 lbs
Eyes: Red Hair: Black

History
"A nameless youth, tossed out of his own home as a child, he grew up on the streets of Geranth, a city in the cold wastes of a barbaric world. Having abandoned all hope, he offered a prayer at the temple of Dgrth, the god of warriors. Dgrth answered his prayer, and offered the youth the power and skill of a great warrior in trade for his soul [That's a much better trade than The New 52 Stalker made!].

Taking the name Stalker from Dgrth, the youth accepted, believing he would have no need for his soul when dead [Seems like that's the only time you would have need for it. If it, you know, existed!]. However, Dgrth took his soul and left him alive, but cursed and empty despite his new power [So he filled the emptiness with drugs and pornography?].

Stalker pursued Dgrth into hell itself to undo the bargain, freeing an army of the damned to battle the warrior god. Driven to the point of despair, Dgrth admitted he would gladly return Stalker's soul to be free of the mad youth--but he lacked the power to do so [Worst god ever. Lacks the power to undo something he did? Is beaten by the same guy he gave power to? Was driven to despair by a crazy mortal kid constantly haranguing him?].

Dgrth claimed to be an elder god, living on the souls and prayers of those who believed in him. As long as one person remained alive who worshipped [sic] him, Stalker's soul would be Dgrth's. Stalker vowed to do the impossible and banish evil and war from this world [I think I saw this story on Xena!], if that was what was required to free his soul. If Stalker died before accomplishing that task, Dgrth swore he would have the most awful damnation in the history of the dead.

Whether Stalker succeeded in his quest has not yet been recorded [And apparently never will be. Which is too bad because this Stalker sounds much more interesting than his New 52 version.]

Powers & Weapons
Stalker was granted mastery of all forms of combat, the eye of a marksman with any weapon, and the gift of the hunter to follow any trail unhampered and undetected.

Sword of Sorcery #4

How does the creature with the mouth full of teeth not bite it's tongue?

I think last issue ended with Amethyst being summoned to Earth to help out Justice League Dark in their Annual. It ended up being a lot less "helping" and a lot more "getting the word out that Amethyst has her own comic book series." I don't believe that series ever dealt with her return to Gemworld so that part of the story should end up here. That's actually a pretty effective way to deal with the crossover. If you're reading both, that is. If you're not reading both, you might just be confused by how this story plays out. But I'm sure there will be a nice, helpful Editor's Note to keep things moving.

This next paragraph can be skipped if you don't care about the relationship between my Blogspot version of this blog and my Tumblr version! I'm now typing these posts in Blogspot's editor whereas I had been typing them in the Tumblr editor. Tumblr recently changed its format and while I don't mind it, it currently has a bug that doesn't let you edit your previous posts. Well, you can edit the first line of your post or the last line of your post, but that's not actually any fucking help at all. On the plus side, I'll now be editing my posts on Blogspot so they don't maintain a record of all of my stupid grammar mistakes and missed words and other typos. My Tumblr posts will also be edited because one thing I can still do is copypasta the edited text from here to there. So all in all, a mistake by Tumblr's programmers has probably improved the reading quality of my Blogspot blog. Now I just have to edit the previous 900 posts so I don't look like an idiot when I type "meat" for "meet".

Now that everybody is thoroughly bored with the non-essential, mundane, technological aspects of my comic book odyssey, let's dive into Amethyst! Hmm. I think I just turned myself on a little bit.

I'd like to see these two go out for coffee sometime. Get to know each other a little better. Watch as Constantine uses her to save his soul while breaking her little teenaged heart.

One of the reasons I'm glad for some interaction between these two is that Amethyst knows nothing about John Constantine except what she's seen in the couple of issues of Justice League Dark she was in. She kind of knows he can't be trusted and that he smokes a lot and that he's casually very good at the magic. But he obviously knew about her enough to get his hands on her crystal. Dammit. Inadvertent arousal again.

His matter of factness and casual bearing are just so refreshing. It's no wonder he's long been one of my favorite characters.

John drops some hints that Amethyst's mom acted pretty wild when she returned to First World years ago. It put her on his radar and he's been keeping an eye on her ever since. Not surprising since he has notes on everybody in the DCnU in his office in the House of Mystery. Before John can give the crystal back to Amethyst, she has a favor to ask. Seeing as how the House can go anywhere and she's been stuck eating Gem Stew for the last week, Amethyst wants to take a detour to Chicago for some pizza. And who is Constantine to say no? I think his motto is if you're going to horribly use and abuse someone at a later date (this includes everyone John ever meets), you need to make them think you're the nicest, sweetest guy in the world during those times you don't need to bargain their soul to save your own.

If a guy in a lift says he'll snog your fanny for a fag, don't do it! Or do do it? Maybe ask him for a little clarification first.

After Amethyst stops looking fucking adorable eating her deep dish pizza (Instant fan of Travis Moore and Karl Story from just a few pages! Where have these guys been hiding?!), she walks out of the Pizzeria (or Pizzaria according to the front window of the pizza place) and is instantly pulled down through a devil's circle some careless child chalked onto the sidewalk.

Held captive by two demons, Amethyst reappears in an office building where a woman tells her she wants her magic necklace. It would be really terrific world building on DC's part if this were Brenda's aunt from Blue Beetle! She and her house and her magic artifacts all disappeared months ago in a mystic conflagration. Her reappearance could be explained later. I just think it would be great if this were her still seeking it out mystic artifacts. And this woman has a nice collection of her own! She's the head of a corporation in Forbes' Most Powerful Top 500. Was that what Brenda's aunt did? I can't even remember her name! Or her Mexican mafioso nickname!

"CEO Sorceress." I like that! For breakfast today, I'm going to the Cup and Saucer around the corner which my non-certified spouse and I call the Cup and Sorcerer.

The CEO Sorceress refuses to take the necklace by force because magic always has strange prices and weird protections. So she wants Amethyst to hand it over freely. But I don't know if she actually knows what "freely" means since she's going to try to threaten and intimidate her into handing it over. She begins by threatening to have demons rip apart a whole bunch of her recently laid off employees if Amethyst doesn't cooperate. Amethyst's response is so perfectly teenaged girl:

I take that back. Gender doesn't even come into it. This is just pure teenager.

Of course Amethyst gives up the necklace because she's a "do-gooder." Afterward, she's tossed in the demon buffet along with the workers. Sheesh, Amethyst. Every other character in the DCnU would have put up a fight whether they needed to or not! Now that you go and try the reasonable thing and get fucked for it, you're just making it seem like throwing punches is the best first choice! I mean, I know it's not YOUR fault. But come on! You could have transformed and put up a fight! It's not like this CEO Sorceress was pretending to be good. She has a room full of demons! You don't give up your power that easily. I feel so strange! What's the word where you're both proud and disappointed of someone at the same time? Oh yeah! Parent!

The greedy woman's name is Ilene which means she's not Amparo Cardenas, Brenda's aunt. Lord Google helped me find her name! Although I had to snog his John Thomas for the information.

Ilene puts on the necklace and transforms into Amethyst, the Really Weathered and Stressed Out Older Than You'd Suspect Princess of Gemworld! But even though she's now dressed like Amethyst, she doesn't know how to wield the power. I'm pretty sure that's because the power is in Amethyst and the stupid necklace just instantly changes your clothes for you. Oh! That probably means Amethyst didn't give up her power at all!

What's the word when you have inadvertent sexual feelings for an underage fictional comic book character? Oh yeah! "Parent!" I mean, "Pervert!"

Amethyst kicks major demon fanny (this time I'm using it like an American would since most of the demons seem to be missing their genitals. But they still have buttocks!) and forces Ilene to give the necklace back. Then Amethyst breaks Ilene's Demonic Dildo and Ilene is pulled into her own portal and down into hell. If she somehow survives, I think Amethyst has made a powerful enemy on First World. She then calls Constantine to come help clean up.

John lets Amethyst know that if she uses the crystal herself, she'll never be able to come back to Earth. He says it in that way that makes it seem like he's giving her a choice but he's really only doing it because he knows he's going to get to keep the crystal (as well as all of Ilene's other mystic goodies). So Amethyst allows him to transport her back to Gemworld so that he'll have the crystal and she'll have a way back to Earth.

These two have a bit of a Dr. Who and his companion thing going on. I like it!

This has been the best issue of Amethyst so far. I really loved the dialogue between Amethyst and John. And the way she handled Ilene really showed her intelligence, strength, and patience. Fuck the heroes that lead with their fists! Bloody good issue, this one.

But I still have the back-up story to read! But first a break! Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back, um, after breakfast!

The back-up story stars Stalker, The Man Without A SOUL! It takes place a long, long time ago in a distant land where they speak an "unpronounceable and long-dead tongue."

Although his religion seems to have some suspiciously familiar trappings.

Stalker's god does not answer his prayers but a weird trespasser in brown robes offers to save Stalker's family for a small fee. Just a half-dozen Goldoons (TM Places & Predators!) and his soul. Stalker readily agrees because what could possibly go wrong? It's obvious he didn't read DC Universe Presents #16 or he'd know that deals with strange strangers usually have unexpected consequences.

The Stranger healed his pregnant wife but she died in childbirth many months later. His child lived but Stalker could not lay eyes on the cause of his wife's death. He had sold his soul for only a few short months of happiness. What an idiot! Trading your soul for somebody's current health is like trading your soul for a few ice cubes on a really hot day. I guess he'll just have to console himself with the fact that souls are imaginary, so he got a few more happy months with his wife and it didn't cost him anything! Or he could instead kick the jerk's ass that tricked him.

Well hey! At least he gets to be immortal out of the deal. Not bad!

Stalker wandered around for centuries finding nothing better to do with his time than kill. He killed and he killed and he killed. I guess because he had no soul or something. It's a little vague. I think his main motivation was boredom though. But after all the killing, he finally ended up in the present where he met up with the guy that owns his soul once more.

Weird that The Boss needed a man from a long, long, long time ago to do a job in the present. Good workers really must be hard to find.

Sword of Sorcery #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. While the back-up story was mediocre at best (especially with making the guy immortal just to meet up with him in a bar in the future for a job that I imagine will have to do with Stalker's past or else, who cares?), Amethyst's story was a lot of fun. Too bad Constantine won't be a regular player in it though. I've enjoyed Amethyst the most when she's been on Earth and now she's going back to Gemworld. And the new art team! Fantastic! The style is perfect for this book. I hope it continues to be lighthearted and fun. And adorable.

Sword of Sorcery #3

Why doesn't Beowulf get the cover once in a while?

Any comic book I read, I tend to want to play as a turn-based computer role playing game but none so much as Amethyst. It could be part RPG and part dating sim, taking place across two worlds, Nilaa and First World. What's First World?

Don't worry about making sense! The wackier and more surreal, the better!

The game could be filled with tons of mini-games to represent all of the things Amethyst has to learn in Gemworld, like magic and fighting and diplomacy and arranged marriaging. Plus there could be mini-games back on Earth as well like Spin the Bottle and Sexting and Fumbling with Your First Cock Under the Bleachers at the Homecoming Game. I'd probably spend a lot more time in high school on First World dealing with my accidental pregnancy while Gemworld fell apart and was taken over by evil.

How the fuck did this happen? I put the condom on the banana just like in class!

While Amethyst trains her magic skills in the least exciting mini-game of the entire RPG, someone named Niyati from some clan named Ghaggra in some place beyond the settled lands is being banished from the clan for disobeying the leader. I guess the Unsettled Lands are composed of people who have chosen not to take part in the silly gemstone theme of Nilaa. She wants to get revenge on whoever killed her mate. I suppose the only reason to really include this single page is if the mate that was killed was the single person that Amethyst has ever killed. Isn't that just the way? You kill your first person in self-defense as you're defending yourself from an ambush and now you have to deal with the person's spouse as well?

Do the writers at DC get a bonus if they're able to refer to the stupid Eclipso crossover in their comic book?

Amethyst's mom interrupts Amethyst while she is teaching her new Gemworld friends what "sucking" means on Earth. They have to go meet Mordiel on neutral ground to discuss the future of House Amethyst. Except Mordiel will probably actually be those assassins from House Onyx and the only thing they'll be discussing is murder!

Or not. I guess I would suck at the subtleties of Gemworld. When you take a hit out on someone, you have to meet with them first and warn them that you're going to kill them if you won't give up your power and your daughter and everything that makes your life worth living.

This issue ends with war declared between Mordiel and Graciel and Amethyst jumping through a portal into the Justice League Dark Annual. Now it's time for the really interesting story!

Beowulf!

Mother Machine tells Grendel that the world had been destroyed by a conflict between normal mankind and super powered men. Regulus, the leader of Basilisk, was behind a super soldier program to give ordinary men the power to fight back against super heroes. Beowulf is the end result of that program. Mother Machine's work spawns from Amanda Waller's Samsara Project. This is how she created the new life, Grendel. So the conflict between Basilisk and Amanda Waller reaches far into the future.

Mother Machine attempts to hypnotize Beowulf over to her side, asking him to kill the boy. The boy hurls his spear at Mother Machine to break the spell.

"Abort" actually means "blow this fucking place to pieces."

Mother Machine destroys the Eyrie and everything within it including her child Grendel. Beowulf manages to escape with the boy, Wiglaf, and they return to Hrothgar's Hall as heroes. The end.

A note says that Beowulf will return in 2013 as a new back-up story about "Stalker: The Man Without a Soul!" begins next month. Beowulf hasn't fought the dragon yet so maybe that'll be the next story. I really like the post-apocalyptic New 52 of Beowulf. The ancestor of Regulus roaming the world destroying what's left of the super heroes. And what's left of the super heroes is whatever Mother Machine decides is left of them! Using Waller's Samsara Project, she can bring any of them back to life and apparently in whatever combination she wants since Grendel was part Buddy Baker, part Gar Logan, and part Rot. I'm sure Mother Machine has survived to combine the DNA of Apollo and Killer Croc and Apache Chief to create the Dragon that Beowulf will need to kill next time.

Sword of Sorcery #3 Rating: No change. I'm curious about the next back-up feature about Stalker the Man Without a Soul. So what? He's just like everybody else!

Sword of Sorcery #2

Umm. Amethyst kills her own mother in this issue? [After reading the comic, I get the cover. It's a mislead down the Path of Blood!]

This issue begins with Amethyst trying not to puke as she remembers killing that guy last issue. And then the title page pops up with "The Path of Heart." Well fuck me! They pulled the old switcheroo! The tag at the end of last issue said, "The Path of Blood"! That sounds way more exciting. I'm so disappointed. Maybe the Path of Heart means someone is going to get their heart pulled out of their chest! I hope so because otherwise Amethyst's confrontation with Mordriel will be filled with hugs.

Some boring business takes place where Graciel tends to the Portal Crystal which leads to Earth.

Never say never! Or, um, never say no chance!

Why do people in fiction insist on giving their children names that will inevitably set them up against one another with one being inherently good and the other inherently evil? Who decided they would name one daughter Graciel to represent grace and goodness. But then they named the other one Mordiel to represent death and badness. Way to go, parents!

Man. Now I want to have two children so I can name one Good and one Evil. Now anyone reading this that knows my last name is just sighing and saying, "That would be fucking ridiculous." You can skip that comment if you don't know my last name and feel left out by the comment.

In the bathroom, Amethyst learns that her clothing is called "Mist-Silk." It allows obstacles to pass right through it while Amethyst, whom it was made for, can grasp it. That sounds like the worst clothing ever! "I can't punch myself but anybody can grope me at their leisure!" I wonder if she can pee straight through it? Oh, she also learns that she's not just a princess of House Amethyst but of House Turquoise as well. But she doesn't learn why she is because her new best friend, the Citrine Princess, won't speak on it.

Later Amethyst learns a bit about her lineage and some of the history of Nilaa (Gemworld!) when she has dinner with her grandfather, the leader of House Turquoise.

Amethyst's father is apparently dead. But I bet he's not really! Twist!

At dinner it is decided that they will all take the Path of Heart! Or something. I don't know, it's a bunch of diplomatic bureaucracy. I've never had much of a taste for court intrigues. I guess I'm too low brow for it. Let's get back to the high school drama! I'm more of a Cruel Intentions person than a Dangerous Liaisons guy.

Except I've never seen either so I'm sure that's a complete lie since I prefer well-written things to the opposite of well-written things. In fact, that whole last paragraph was a complete and utter lie. I was just trying to come off as cool and casual and above it all when really I've been hanging on Queen Graciel's every word! How she was supposed to marry the heir to Throne Diamond but she fell in love with the heir to Throne Turquoise which meant a Thrown Away Opportunity. House Diamond didn't appreciate Graciel backing out of the arranged Diamond Marriage Plan, so the Lord of House Turquoise shared his power with his son to prevent Diamond from getting revenge. And that's when Graciel became knocked up by Vyrian, now Lord of House Turquoise. He was probably killed later by Mordriel and the House Diamond Ruffians which caused Graciel to flee to Earth with her daughter. Or her fetus. I don't know when she had to flee. Besides finding out that Mordiel was barren, that's about everything that was learned at dinner.

Before the Path of Heart takes place where the Amethyst girls will share the Amethyst power equally (that means Graciel, Mordriel, and Amaya (Amethyst!) will all have 1/3 of the power), a scene takes place in House Diamond to show that the youngest son, Hadran, is actually a good man. That must mean he'll be Amethyst's love interest later!

The sharing of the blood-power of House Amethyst goes according to plan even though Mordriel tries to use her influence to have Amaya choose the Path of Blood which means killing her mother and taking all of the power. But Amaya chooses the Path of Heart, surprisingly. Mordriel isn't exactly happy to have lost one-sixth of her power, so she contacts the Shadow Walkers of House Onyx to hire them for a job.

Of course the House of the Black Gemstone is shadowy and dangerous.

What Houses are there? I'm guessing there will be twelve by the looks of the portal room in House Citrine and simply because the whole link to birthstones and crap. The Houses that have been acknowledged so far are Diamond, Amethyst, Turquoise, Citrine, and Onyx. Maybe there were some others that I've forgotten. I'm sure there will be Houses for Ruby, Emerald, and Sapphire. The last four might be Opal, Pearl, Garnet, and Aquamarine. Maybe there will be minor houses as well to represent all of the gemstones. Maybe the names of all of the houses are the secrets that will be revealed next month!

Anyway, it's time for the boy's story! This book is so gender coded! No, wait. That's me gender coding the book! I mean, now it's time for a story that can be enjoyed no matter what genitalia you have and no matter what genitalia you want your genitalia to interact with.

Last issue, Grendel had infiltrated Hrothgar's long house and was about to eat Wiglaf. Luckily, Beowulf comes to his rescue just in time! Or perhaps it was just lucky that Beowulf was using the kid to lure Grendel to him?

Well, that was a quick battle.

Cutting off Grendel's arms doesn't even come close to ending the fight. It just sprouts new ones out of its chest and presses the attack using its poison tipped tail and it's disgusting jelly fish jaws. Beowulf loses his sword and takes a moment to assess his opponent.

Come on. How awesome is this? This story is my absolute favorite piece of DC's world building experience so far.

Grendel flees from the hall screaming, "UNGLAU!" That might be a clue! Beowulf promises to track it to its lair and bring back its head for Hrothgar. He takes Wiglaf with him to help lead the way. Grendel's lair looks like it might possibly be the Blackhawk's Eyrie. As they enter, they find Grendel inside an Empire Strike's Back healing tank. But before they can smash it and kill the beast within, Grendel's mother stops them.

Mother Machine?

Sword of Sorcery #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Yet again, the back-up story really carries this book. I think if the Beowulf story were the main story though, it would reveal too much each month and use up all of its tricks. As a short in the back of the book, it's perfect. It gives me just enough to want to see more of this post-apocalyptic New 52 world. I'm enjoying the Amethyst story but I think I'd like it better if we got back to some high school action and the plot sped up a little bit. Overall, this is a pretty well rounded comic book series.