Green Lantern #17

But the Third Army hasn't been stopped yet. Has it?

I just realized that this blog is work! Why didn't anybody tell me? It's the pace that's really starting to wear on me. What was DC Comics thinking publishing fifty-two titles a month?! They certainly didn't have my best interests at heart. I think I need to outsource about half of these commentaries. And since I'm not a huge fan of Green Lantern, perhaps I'll begin with this comic book! And since my comic book has two covers because it's a fucking mutant, I'll start over by scanning in the second cover and handing the reins to my new second-in-command, the old guy in the cowboy hat that just sits and spits on the corner! I think his name is Francis or Walther but everyone just calls him Cowboy Joe.

This hyar seems to be some kind of newfangled serialized picture book.

Let's see hyar. This hyar picture story begins ten billion years ago. That's an awful long time. Seems like that ain't hardly a number anybody'd know nothing about. Seems purty ridiculous by my reckoning. Some blue guy named Krona has taken it upon hisself to witness the keeration of the unyverse. Some other blue guy name of Ganthet starts wailing like some gigantic pussy all fancied up in ruffles and lavender gloves. But that steely eyed Krona ain't got time for no coward talk. He's agonna watch hisself the keeration of the unyverse and that's that.

I think that mealy mouthed fellow what gave me this book to read says he's gonna stick in some picture hyar or something. He told me to circle the pictures I'd want should go with my scribblin'. He said he'd say somethin' on those so the idjits what read his log won't feel like they's gettin' shortchanged fer want of his usual ramblings.

Krona is advanced enough to see the creation of the universe but not advanced enough to realize that the mere act of observation changes that which is observed? Shame on him!

That thar Krona fella, he witnesses what looks like an untolerable big orifice, gaping huge and spewing forth all the matter of the unyverse. And the hand pulling that orifice wide open's got this ring on its finger. And ain't nobody in tarnation outta have to witness nothin' like this. They's warnings 'bout lookin' at this kinda thing fer good reason. Once all these blue guys put eyes on that mighty hole, ever'thang blows up in their faces. All what's left after this hullabaloo is that blue guy Ganthet and some new space man with an ol' train-yard lantern.

This is Volthoom traveling through time before Flashpoint existed. Does that make sense? If Flashpoint exists across time, shouldn't it always exist? Since it makes no Goddamned sense, I think Flashpoint is just a big myth.

That was the end of all that nonsense. Ridiculous! Knowing what coulda been ten bajillion years in the past. Why's anybody gotta know that? What good is it gonna do, all said and done? "Whoopee! Look at me! My name is Krona and now I know how the unyverse were made!" Now how is that supposed ta put food on yer table? People sayin' they need meanin' ta it all. I got yer meaning to it all! It's just life! It's harsh and it's mean and occasionally ya git yer prick wet or yeah et a really good peach or sometimes yer horse nudges ya in the shoulder in just that playful way he does when yer gittin' so sick and tired of it all. And that nudge is sayin', "It's you and me, Francis. We's all we got and have ya got a carrot cause that'd jus' 'bout hit the spot right now." And that jus' 'bout makes ever'thing all right agin. And ya shoulder yer pack and you pull the boots on over yer blistered feet and ya git the fuck back on the trail. Cause what the fuck else is there? Ain't no God gonna help you git down the trail ta find yer next meal. You trust in god, yer gonna starve. Ain't no "big bang" gonna make life any happier than you alone can make the lot ya been thrown in on anyhow. Only thing I ever learned is more learnin' just makes more questions. And who the fuck has got the time for more of those?

Gettin' back to this hyar picture book, it seems that guy on the cover of this serialized pamphlet ended up in some space prison with some other guy name of Black Hand. I know in my day, you stick a fella with the nickname 'a Black and that usually meant that guy was a righteous asshole. Seems ta be the same case in space. This hyar Black Hand is takin' it on hisself to kill this Green Lantern if'n he don't help him escape. Always a guy with an attitude fucks it up fer ever'buddy else. If'n this guy wants ta escape his cell, wouldn't it be better ta have two fellas thinking up a means of egress? But guys nicknamed "Black" always seem to want to take out they anger on anyone in the room. They's the guys always gotta make sure ever'one in the saloon hears 'em enter and ever'one in the saloon usually takes a nice long hard stare at the bottom of their bottle while he takes a seat. Smart guys already got their epitaphs planned out and none of 'em want ta see it changed to "Bob glanced at the wrong guy. Too bad the bullet didn't do the same to Bob."

Some more of them blue guys but shorter and hairier are also holed up in a space prison cell adjacent to the Black Hand's cell. I think they was wardens got themselves switcheroo'd by the Black Hand or the other crazy blue skinned fellas.

Well that explains what happened to the Borg Lanterns! Volthoom wakes up and POOF! Out like a candle!

Some skeletal looking guy named Volthoom has them blue men trapped in a bubble. He's some kind of first Lantern and seemingly the most powerful being in all time and existence. He's the kinda man can call your mother a whore and ya can't do nothin' but agree with him. Them is some kind of men and thankfully ya don't meet those men much. Oh, ya can't walk ten feet without bumpin' inta tha kind what can't keep their mouths shut even when they aughtta. Them kind is a dime a dozen and the kind ya either punch in the jaw or pay no heed cuz ya know they jus' scared and full 'a bluster. But this other kind of man...well, ya don't fuck with that man. He has power of all sorts and he knows he has power and he Goddamned definitely knows you know. He's the kind of man that don't never get killed in conflicts or confrontations. Usually he get killed by some hot tempered kid what don't know the weight of the man's name and feels a slight that come on without warning. But that kinda kid don't last long enough usually to even meet a man full of real power anyway.

This hyar Volthoom Lantern guy is the space man from ten billion years ago, so he's acquainted with the blue guy named Ganthet. So they parlay for a bit about what coulda been had Ganthet not stuck a knife in Volthoom's back billions of years ago.

So Volthoom is powerful enough to warp reality. He doesn't even need to time travel! He just changes the past through people's memories! Or, you know, something.

Volthoom goes pokin' about in Ganthet's past and starts rearranging his furniture. Volthoom causes them blue men to not lose their emotions because that was one 'a their major fucked up decisions. But changin' tha past apparently changes the future or at least disrupts it. Cause Green Lantern Simon Baz changes to Green Lantern Abin Sur fer a bit while Black Hand changes from dead to alive. And alla that cause them blue men didn't stop learnin' ta love. But then they change back agin fer some reason. I ain't gonna pretend I unnerstand all this science majigger stuff. It jus' seems like somebody makin' stuff up and not carin' how the goldarned universe would really react. Seem ta me the Green Lantern aughtta have turned into his normal self and not a completely different person. But I get the point. Reality ain't quite up to snuff with Volthoom muckin' about in time.

Anyhow, Volthoom has been locked up fer too long and cain't make his change permanent. Good thing cause all this hyar serialized pamphlet needs is some character goin' about makin' all sorts of crazy changes to the way things was. Imagine if this hyar story suddenly had all of its history taken away or changed up on the reader! By golly! What a prank that would turn out to be!

Volthoom ain't quite got the power he had afore he were imprisoned, so he's gotta go drain some mistakes and regrets out of some characters what have emotion since these hyar blue men are logical like school marms. He wanders off to the seventeenth issue of some periodical called Green Lantern Corps while that other Green Lantern fella gets zapped inside the ring of that Black Lantern bully.

Whoops!

Green Lantern #17 Rating: I guess this hyars where I'm supposeta say how much I reckon I liked this periodical. It passed the time in a fair fashion. Seems I could justify givin' it a +1 Rankin', seein' as how I ain't too partial ta readin' but the pictures helped me along in a right enjoyable way. But I ain't got time to read the others in this stack that fuckin' dandy left hyar for me. I ain't got time to wallow in this kid's stuff. Life is for livin' with others, not sittin' in the dirt alone readin' made-up fantasy stories.

Action Comics #17

Why is Vyndktvx so proud about defeating Superman? That's like me being proud that I crumpled up a picture of a stick figure.

When I began reading last issue, I though it was Grant Morrison's final issue of Action Comics. And then when I finished reading it, I thought this was the final issue of Action Comics written by Morrison. But since the one thing I'm unerringly wrong about is the final issue of things, I imagine Grant Morrison will be writing Action Comics for a really long time. That wouldn't be so bad.

Last issue ended with Super Brand X Superman from Earth 5 (I think) being escorted into Earth Prime by Lex Luthor. Lex wasn't actively trying to make that happen but one thing I've learned from the Young Earth Creationists is that scientists never actually know what they're doing and they only ever discover things on accident and most of the time they're lying anyway. I guess they also taught me that if you can think up a theory in your imagination without any research or evidence, it's just as valid as scientific theories that are in reality laws of the universe. My theory that ghosts are just brains picking up other people's brain waves like a radio signal is probably true because I thought of it and it makes sense if I tell it to you until you're sick of arguing with me.

The other grand event that happened at the end of last issue was the Legion Founders coming back in time to help Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen bring Mr. Mxyzptlk out of his coma so that he can save Superman's fourth dimensional ass.

This issue begins with a sentimental moment that interferes with getting straight into the action! So I skipped it to get to the good stuff! The comic book doesn't really begin until Superman is getting beaten to death by the Earth 5 Superman with the Superman statue commemorating Superman's first death.

I like the spit curl image on the back of Earth 5 Super Brand X Superman's back.

While Superman is waiting for somebody else to save the days, Lightning Man, Saturn Woman, and Cosmic Man are racing back in time in their Time Bubble to alter everything. These Legion of Super-hero members are from a future where Superman was killed. But their future sucks since Universo took control and hypnotized everyone into being assholes. So they figure, even if it means they'll never exist, they're going to change the past. Except then they won't have existed to change the past and thus Superman will still die and they'll exist to change the past and then...oh fuck it! I already went over this in my commentary on Superboy! But now that Morrison is writing this messed up Back to the Future version of time travel in a comic book I really like, I have to do the fanboy thing and defend it somehow! Perhaps when this kind of event takes place, two time lines become inextricably tied together for all time. Which would mean that the Legion members will continue to exist as if Superman died in the one time line braided to the other timeline where they save Superman's ass. So even if they're successful, they're shitty timeline will still exist. They really can't do anything except be caught in a weird ass time loop that never quite resolves or changes either time line.

So Legion goes back in time but they skip over to the "Superman Lives" timeline when they fix past events. The two timelines would be identical except for the moments changed by Legion and the repercussions of those moments. But in the end, who cares? Vyndktvx can change whatever he wants in either timeline and more without breaking a sweat. So ultimately, I think they still need Mxyzptlk.

Or events happened how they always happened. Or those other travelers on the other side of the overturned truck were Legion returning to make sure Ma and Pa Kent die before Legion can save Ma and Pa Kent because saving Ma and Pa Kent fucks everything up so that Superman dies. Or something. Fuck you, Time Travel!

While Legion does whatever the fuck Legion does while fucking up time and history, Vyndktvx talks to the reader (or maybe someone else that's outside the page that isn't the reader but another character) and describes how he planned the entire thing. He explains each issue and why he did what he did and how it helped to get Superman to his next death. Maybe he's talking to me since I accepted his deal to not help Superman last issue! I'm part of his gang now! Too bad all the losers on Earth didn't accept Vyndktvx's deal!

They're actually helping him! Bah! Why do people always help Superman?!

At some point during Legion's travels, they end up at the side of Mxyzptlk as seen at the end of last issue. Mxyzptlk awakens with his wife's name on his lips. Brand X Superman tears off his face plate and reveals he's an amalgamation of Doomsday and Superman. And Lex Luthor arrives to complicate things further.

Or help. It's hard to tell with that asshole.

I also forgot to mention that the last time The Anti-Superman Army were shown, they were trying to devour Krypto's soul with their Blue Kryptonite. But Superman spoke with Erik Drekken the Unevolved Man and told him he was still a good scientist and Superman believed in him. And how can someone fight that? So when Superman's brawl took him away from that scene, perhaps Erik saved Krypto's doggy soul. As if dogs have souls! I mean, if people don't, why would dogs?! Maybe dolphins have souls. But that's it!

The Sholly Fisch back-up story was a bunch of emotional pap that didn't make me feel anything! Although it might have made me sick because I suddenly need to blow my nose. Really, it wasn't worth reading at all! In fact, it spoils the end of this entire run because you find out that Superman survives! Oh look! Now I've spoiled issue #18 as well! It's just so hard to concentrate with tears splashing all over my keyboard and this erratic breathing.

Action Comics #17 Rating: No change because it's already tied with Batman at #1. Which means it's one of the best comic books of The New 52. Which is weird because I generally don't care much for Superman stories. But I do like alternate dimension and time travel stories! But I don't like stories that show future Superman getting to talk with Pa Kent one last time on the night Pa Kent dies! Sholly Fisch is a jerk that likes to make people sad!

Threshold #2

But Blue Beetle is a contestant, isn't he? Can a Hunted claim the bounty on another Hunted? Maybe the bounty just gets tacked on to Blue Beetle's bounty. That's the way I'd design it if this were one of my many games.

Hey! Last commentary, I said: "Based on only the second page of the Larfleeze back-up story, I want a full sized Larfleeze comic book." And now DC has released this press release (what else would they do with a press release?): "DC Comics has announced new creative teams for each title in its Green Lantern line and confirmed a Larfleeze solo series." Do I have that kind of power?! In addition to driving Tom DeFalco from Superboy and getting The Ravagers canceled (all things I completely take credit for), did I also convince DC to do a Larfleeze monthly book?! Man! What other things should I demand? How about an Ambush Bug back-up story in Action Comics? Is the death of Aquaman asking too much? Yeah, that's probably too much since he's currently everybody's favorite loser. And judging by all the non-death happening in Suicide Squad, I don't think anybody is actually dying in The New 52 any time soon. Although Threshold is a place to tell dystopian science fiction survive any way you can kind of stories, so somebody better fucking die in this thing!

But don't let it be Brenda! She's Jaime's cute romantic love interest so she's got a target on her head five feet wide. Or more! Maybe five miles wide!

Hey! Let's see a picture!

This one page is better than the entire run of Grifter.

So now that even the dumbest of you know what The Hunted game show is about and you know which side you're supposed to root for, let's see if someone can kill Jediah Caul this issue! Because he's a bad thing! A really bad thing!

When the last episode of The Hunted ended, Stealth and Rik Starr (Space Ranger Extraordinaire! And kind of effeminate for your stereotypical space hero) were cornered by Crimson Thrust! No, that's not a sex act performed by a man on a female during her moon time. It's the most baddest assed, top rated, fan favorite Hunt Club! They have the most kills of all the other hunt clubs put together*!

*I made up that fact.

I wonder if I should start some kind of betting pool for this game? It might not be fair though since I obviously have DC's ear and they might be influenced by everyone's bets! I guess we can have an informal wager, right? And you all know what I mean by informal, don't you? That means a real wager but we're all going to deny that it was a real wager if any cops are reading this!

My money is on Jediah Caul! Nope! I picked him first! Y'all better pick someone else. If you pick a Hunted, it means you think that person will survive. If you pick a Hunt Club, you need to pick who you think they're going to kill! If this comic book were realistic (and it almost is!), Crimson Thrust would probably kill Stealth and Rik Starr (Space Ranger!) and Jediah Caul and Blue Beetle to boot! But I bet they're humiliated and never catch one person ever. They won't even catch Captain Carrot when his drunk ass is introduced! And he's just a stupid bunny rabbit!

Since Stealth has no other choice (well, the other choice (before I get to the first other choice) is simply running outside of Stealth's hideout and reenacting the ending to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid minus the freeze frame), she decides to follow Rik Starr (Space Ranger!) to his possibly make believe "blind point".

I wonder what she means by "choke on it, 'space ranger'"? Is she trying to suggest something about these "space rangers"? Like perhaps they're not as manly as they might seem by the name of their organization? You know? Is she calling him a cocksucker?

Stealth has the power to turn invisible (shocking, right?!). But she's only invisible if she doesn't move. That's a pretty crappy power. That power is for cry babies and quitters! Or for people that have enough patience for the Crimson Thrust to move in close so she can cut the throat of Crimson Thrust #31. After she does that, she slaughters #8, #13, #7, and #42. She might also kill another one whose number I didn't get. And she blew up two others with a grenade before she made her escape although they weren't killed. But they were hurt bad enough that they might die now that their buddies are dead and can't get help!

Crimson Thrust is horrible at this game!

Meanwhile a couple of upper crust Happy People (one of them being Bleeding Adonis, the host of The Hunted), are discussing this season of the game.

Oh yeah! I forgot The Reach and the Green Lantern Corps are the deadliest of enemies! Except Blue Beetle's Reach Scarab is brain-damaged, so it probably won't be able to force Jaime to kill Jediah.

On the other hand (the first hand is the thing I mentioned in the caption about the brain-damaged Scarab), Jaime's carapace has been fitted with some kind of override tech which means The Scarab will finally get his way and be able to ignore Jaime's constant whining and moralizing. And in a bar somewhere on Tolerance, Jediah Caul is learning that a Reach Warrior is going to enter the game soon. And it's going to sniff out his residual ring energy like a thing with a good sniffer sniffing out something that smells like something it really likes.

So now what are people wagering? Is Blue Beetle going to kill Jediah Caul? Caul is basically defenseless with his ring uncharged. I guess he's going to have to seek help from Ember and her secret rebel group. Unless Jaime is somehow kidnapped from the game before he can even turn into the Blue Beetle.

What is Sleen supposed to be? A sexy space Raccoon?! She's my new favorite character! Sorry, Alysia and Brenda!

So Pig-Iron is also running around the pages of Threshold? I'm surprised DC didn't have to change his name as well. I wonder how much money they spent on lawyers trying to find out exactly how removed their characters had to be from the original Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew before they could get away with not paying Scott Shaw? Probably a lot of money that they could have paid Scott Shaw while telling him to suck it because the new Captain K'rot doesn't pun and that's why he's different from the old Captain Carrot!

So Captain K'Rot and his New Zoo Crew Revue need to capture Blue Beetle so they can get a big payout from something called the Consortium. That sounds familiar but I'm too stupid and/or old and/or drunk to remember. And I've recently had a tiff with Lord Google since he seems to be trying to get me to use Google Chrome by passive aggressive means like nearly locking up Firefox every time I search for something. I guess that's kind of aggressive aggressive although he keeps failing at it. He's a dick. I might start hanging out with Viscount Bing instead.

Who thinks Yankee Poodle will make an appearance? Hopefully it'll be as Skanky Poodle.

Kicking Jaime in the head and knocking him unconscious is a big mistake due to the Carapace Override installed in him. The Scarab instantly takes over and begin shooting Reach Death Lasers at the New Zoo Crew Revue. They flee the scene and probably won't be chased because the Scarab will probably realize there is a Green Lantern to kill somewhere nearby.

In fact, he's really, really nearby! Caul has paid a visit to a recently dead gun runner friend of his (possibly killed by Caul after Caul arrived and was attacked and had to defend himself. It isn't made completely clear but that's what I've decided has happened) which just happens to be the first place Captain K'rot runs to when he wakes up the Reach Scarab.

I really should be plastering the original Captain Carrot's face on Captain K'rot but Captain K'rot just looks too cool.

And that's where The Hunted part of this issue ends! Next up, Larfleeze!

Larfleeze is currently trying to figure out who robbed him by questioning his butler, Stargrave.

I'm not sure I should like Larfleeze as much as I do. He's cuddly.

Larfleeze decides to enlist the help of the Star Rovers. It's a good thing I already learned all about Rick Starr (Space Ranger!) and the Star Rovers! I'm over-prepared for this issue! I'm not usually prepared on any level for anything! Is this what "pride" feels like?!

Since you've seen example after example of things I hate in comic books, here's a panel I especially love. Larfleeze just has a certain innocence to him that I find charming and lovable. If you hate the Larfleeze back-up story, we have nothing more to discuss. Good day!

After a brief attack by Larfleeze's Orange Army (an event that nobody can explain as of yet), the Star Rovers agree to work for free to help Larfleeze find his stuff. It's a little more complicated than all that. It's also funny and adorable. I like Larfleeze and I like his Space Alfred and I hope when Larfleeze gets his own book, it doesn't take itself seriously and begin crossing over with Green Lantern all of the time! It's about time for a funny, off-the-wall, not so serious, whimsical fucking book!

Threshold #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. Sure, I obviously really like the Larfleeze back-up story but I also like The Hunted story too. It's chock full of crazy characters and Captain K'rot did not disappoint me. Plus I guess I'm edging into furry territory by finding his cohort Sleen the Space Raccoon super sexy and cute. I just want to see her bury her face in a bowl of cat kibble. Um, in her underwear! I didn't mean to sound weird!

The Ravagers #9

Look at all the skeletons! Oh please oh please oh please let one of them be Superboy’s!

Does anybody else get the feeling this cover is exaggerating what will happen? I know DC has announced that The Ravagers has been canceled but this would be ridiculous! Beast Boy and Terra can't die yet! Although if only Ridge's skeleton were shown, I'd be willing to believe the cover.

People in a little town in Colorado called Hartsville have suddenly gained the intensely useless power to implode. One of those people is Rose Wilson. Luckily she'll probably be killed by The Ravagers before she turns into an ash pile.

Lucky for Rose, the sheriff of Hartsville is acting completely opposite of the way a comic book character is supposed to act. Especially when that character is a cop! Violence, sir, not talking! VIOLENCE!

The Sheriff threatens violence if everybody doesn't calm down and listen to him but he doesn't begin with shooting people in the face. I'm having a tough time understanding this comic book. Talking only happens after the violent altercation is realized to be a misunderstanding! But instead this sheriff has stopped The Ravagers from fighting the Real Ravagers (one of those groups is Warblade and Rose Wilson and the other is Caitlin and her kids. Take your pick) by the mere use of words! It's incredible! This man needs to teach Superman and Batman and Wonder Woman and Green Arrow and Firestorm and all the other characters this strange power.

Because the Sheriff has the secret power of speaking, he shouts orders to the heroes and they listen to him. What the fuck? Warblade actually does what the Sheriff commands instead of mouthing off like all teenaged comic book characters do. When the Sheriff says, "Warblade deals with the inmates," Warblade should have said, "Boss people around much?" But he doesn't! He actually does what the Sheriff tells him to do and goes to investigate the prison. I'm so fucking confused! Comic books have not taught me how to read this kind of story!

To be fair, Warblade probably would have eviscerated the Sheriff by now if Rose Wilson hadn't also come down with the Imploding Power.

Warblade finally encounters the convict that was causing all the trouble at the prison and his Implosion Infection took differently. Instead of gaining Implosion Powers, he's gained Hadouken powers! For the less nerdy of you, that means he shoots fireballs out of his hands.

Meanwhile, the Sheriff has shouldered the responsibility for finding the cure for the Implosion Virus. Doesn't Hartsville have a doctor? Or a scientist? Or, at the very least, a barber? I'm not sure of the Sheriff's credentials for curing diseases. His first attempt is to shoot Rose up with morphine. Well, at least that won't hurt her! While they're all waiting to see what happens, Caitlin and Rose remember that they were once friends.

Holy fuck. I can't believe anybody even remembered they were once friends! I blocked most of the issues of Superboy and The Culling from my mind.

In all the confusion, the Sheriff's daughter Candice stole a cop car to escape town. But the only way into town was blocked by an avalanche. And the switchback was, well, I don't know. Not an option any more? But luckily a third way out of town has been discovered: County Road 22! Candice says, "Oh, c'mon! There has to be at least one road still open!" Funny! I thought there was only one road to begin with! It looks like there are so many roads that the quarantine has probably already failed anyway. But Ridge and Thunder and Beast Boy and Terra have all been sent to retrieve this one girl before she can spread the Implosion Infection across the world. Seems like a bit of overkill for one teenage girl. While they're dragging her ass back, Thunder has some kind of attack that he has to explain to everyone since they all suddenly think he's catching.

Dude! Don't give up on your sister so easily! She didn't die. She just entered a portal to The Red! Anyway, if she is dead, you can team up with Light once she gets out of jail. Thunder and Light! Enh, close enough.

Later Warblade gets a DNA sample from the prison inmate and then kills him. The Sheriff's son exhibits some kind of super power where he makes bubbles or something. And Warblade and Terra suddenly have something to talk about.

I think the Colorists are just looking for attention since I never fucking mention them. Okay, I'll bite! Hey Tony Avina? That was supposed to be Rose Wilson, not Terra!

Once everyone is back together and not punching each other in the face for some reason, Warblade tells the Sheriff he knows how to "dissipate the radiation." He needs fifteen people for the cure which the Sheriff readily finds volunteers for. Because people in small towns get things fucking done when they need to come together and count on each other! Them Ravagers better learn a lesson from all this! And then the Sheriff proves once and for all that he really shouldn't fucking be in a comic book. At least not without wearing an "S" on his chest.

If this guy survives, he should be next in line to wear the Goddamned Bat Costume.

The yokels stand around in a circle with the Sheriff at the center and then Warblade throws apricot jam on them. Or he does a hand dance. Or he twirls fire. I don't know what the fuck he's doing! But whatever he does, it cures the town and kills the Sheriff! Yay! I mean, yay for curing the town! Boo for killing the Sheriff! He was the best character in The Ravagers so far!

How come Ig Guara made Brenda so cute in Blue Beetle but his art is kind of crappy in this? Is it Norm Rapmund's fault? Is he a lousy inker? Or was Ig just rushing through these issues because the gig was just dropped in his lap?

Warblade and Rose Wilson decide not to fight the Ravagers and the Ravagers decide not to fight Rose Wilson and Warblade. Rose chooses not to fight because she's all fucked up from the morphine. Caitlin decides not to fight because, well, I don't know. Maybe she feels guilty because Rose kept shoving the whole betrayal thing in her face. I forget what the betrayal was all about. I think it was just that Caitlin chose Superboy over Rose. It's always about a guy when best friends feud.

Elsewhere, Harvest is watching his crystal ball to learn that Rose Wilson and Warblade fucked up big time. So now he's supposedly angry enough to want to kill them. That means Rose and Warblade will have to join Caitlin's Ravagers! I still think Harvest should be Future Vampire Tim Drake instead of Echo Captain Future Shard of Captain Atom.

The Ravagers #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's suddenly a decent comic book! But more importantly, it isn't full of grammar errors and sloppy punctuation and punctuation errors and sloppy grammar! I wonder what happened to Howard Mackie? Maybe he's writing Chick Tracts now.

In Which I Compare My Ranks to Actual Sales

By Sales	Comic Book	My Rank	Comments
1	Batman	1	From what I've seen by some of the other sales figures, it's simply a coincidence that my rank matches the sales rank of Batman. If this same amazingly well-written story was about Silver Scarab, it would probably sell about as well as Phantom Stranger. Batman is only number one because he's The Goddamned Batman.
2	Justice League	31	Admittedly, my rank on this comic is pretty fucking low for the actual quality of the book. But it's only #2 in DC sales because it's their flagship comic. Let's average out my rank with the sales rank and say it's probably more of a #17 ranked comic book.
3	Detective Comics	36	Here's more proof that Batman sells. Once again, my rank is low but only for the current incarnation of this comic which is much improved since Tony Daniels left. I'm pretty sure a large percentage of readers are simply on auto-pilot because they've been purchasing Detective Comics for twenty, thirty, forty years or more.
4	Batman and Robin	10	The quality of this comic has been constant. I'm glad to see it's selling well but who's surprised? The top four comic books common factor: The Goddamned Batman!
5	Green Lantern	38	My ranking here shows a big bias to my New 52 rankings. I really penalized comic books that ignored the Reboot and GL's rank has suffered. If you've been following Green Lantern for years, my rank makes no sense. But as I haven't been following it for years, it was nigh incomprehensible for a number of issues.
6	Batgirl	28	Batgirl has been one of those comic books that, if you're a fan of Batgirl and/or Gail Simone, you're going to love the fuck out of it. My ranking of 28 might seem low but that actually puts it in the Area of My Rankings I refer to as "If You Like the Title Character, You'll Probably Really Enjoy This Comic." If you're not a fan of Batgirl, you're probably not missing anything.
7	Nightwing	15	I've been reading Teen Titans since I first began reading comic books in the early eighties and this is the first time I've ever really appreciated Dick Grayson. If this is the way he's been written in the years before the Preboot, I see why he has such a huge fandom. I even enjoyed Tom DeFalco's guest run on this!
8	Teen Titans	49	This comic book owes all of its numbers to Cartoon Fandom. Scott Lobdell is trying his hardest to write the most uninteresting Teen Titans' characters I've ever seen. And guess what? Everyone keeps buying this book so it's never going to get any better! Yay!
9	Aquaman	6	I still have Aquaman ranked high even though I've begun to fall out of love with it. I like how his character is being handled but once Johns has used up the Black Manta stuff and the Atlantis stuff, what's next? Fighting Japanese dolphin killers?
10	Red Hood	46	Another comic book where Lobdell could fill the speech bubbles and narration boxes with gibberish and it'll sell. The Jason Todd Fandom will just keep buying this even if Lobdell began jerking off into every issue. Imagine how well this would sell with a decent writer telling Todd's story? Huge missed opportunity here but DC doesn't care because they know it'll sell.
11	Action Comics	1	I know I already have Batman ranked at #1! It's called a tie! I can't  believe Morrison's unbelievable run on this story is underselling Lobdell's nonsense. I'm so ashamed of comic book readers right now.
12	The Dark Knight	43	The Goddamned Batman. This comic has gotten much better though with Gregg Hurwitz writing it. My rank reflects the horrible state of affairs left by David Finch and Paul Jenkins run as writers.
13	Earth 2	29	Like Batgirl's low rank, it doesn't indicate that this is a bad book. On the contrary! It's just that my ranking system has serious flaws and a whole swath of comics in the middle of the rankings are well done. It's only when comics are ranked about 40 or lower that they have no redeeming value. I could see this ranked anywhere between mine and the sales rank.
14	Superman	42	If you're interested in reading a good Superman story, read Action Comics. If you're interested in reading a not so smug and well-put-together as Action Comics Superman story, read Justice League. But don't read this one. It lost its way almost immediately in the first story arc and has just been a sad joke since.
15	Batman Incorporated	4	Even though this one maybe reads better with Preboot knowledge (I don't know having never read the Preboot title), it's still spectacularly well done. The sales of rank of 15 is probably more justified than my rank of 4. Good book either way though, amirite?
16	Green Lantern Corps	27	This comic probably got a healthy boost in January from the Third Army crossover. But it's been a consistently good read from the start. If you're a fan of Guy Gardner, John Stewart, or the Green Lanterns in general, you're probably already reading it. If you aren't fans, here's the TL;DR: The Guardians are assholes.
17	Flash	17	Ding ding ding! I win! This comic is almost without fail beautiful to look at. It has more of an old school super hero feel to it. It's fun and, so far, a neat take on The Flash and his powers. Yes, I described The Flash as "neat".
18	New Guardians	24	This one has yet to settle down into a formula yet so I don't know what the whole "new guardians" thing is going to end up being. Hopefully one Lantern from each Color Corps will simply replace those asshat Guardians. Another consistently well-presented title.
19	Wonder Woman	3	This comic is worth it just for Azzarello's dialogue between characters. Also because he and Cliff Chiang turned Wesley Willis into a demi-god. If you like Xena and Gaiman's The Sandman, you should probably be reading this.
20	Red Lanterns	20	Like New Guardians, this comic has quite decided what it wants to be either. But that's actually fine! The Red Lantern comic book should be chaotic and blundering and filled with angry killing. Atrocitus is a frustrated philosopher that usually just ends up vomiting on dissenters.
21	Batwoman	14	This comic is beautiful and entertaining and it seems to be selling fairly well. If you're not reading it, help out its numbers by picking up the trades. You (probably) won't regret it.
22	Catwoman	34	The sales rank of 22 might have been appropriate while Judd Winick was writing it. But it's been a disaster since Ann Nocenti took over. Avoid at all costs! If you love Catwoman, let it go until you see another writer on it. You can buy the back issues after Nocenti is canned!
23	Swamp Thing	19	The best issues of this comic have been when they've been pure horror. I hope after Rotworld is over, Swamp Thing returns to its roots (ha ha!) and goes Full Horror. And hopefully Yanick Paquette continues on as artist.
24	Talon	32	I'm sick of The Court of Owls.
25	Worlds' Finest	7	This comic scores a "7" in Best Friendship. I think the sales rank of "25" is pretty good for people looking for some super hero action.
26	Supergirl	33	This comic is about at the bottom of my comics that I'd recommend if you like the character. Overall it's been really good and drawn super cute. But it's had too many issues where nothing much happens except a fight. The first 12 issues really should have been 6 issues.
27	Animal Man	9	I may have Animal Man ranked higher than its quality simply because I'm a biased sucker. even so, it should be no lower than Swamp Thing's rank. Both well done books and since they're inextricably tied by their theme, I'd highly recommend reading both (you know, even after Rotworld is over!).
28	Threshold	26	Too soon to really say. I like the idea. I like that Keith Giffen is writing. I like that Captain K'rot (or whatever) will be starring. I don't like that DC is pissing off the creator of Captain Carrot, Scott Shaw. But that's what the whole Reboot is about! Not paying people!
29	Superboy	50	Ugh.
30	Suicide Squad	21	I have at least one vocal fan of Suicide Squad that assures me each month that this is crap compared to Ostrander's run. And he's right! But come on! If you're going to compare a comic to John Ostrander's run on Suicide Squad, that comic is going to be beat thoroughly about the head and genitals. I think it's fun for what it is and I'm always happy with more Suicide Squad.
31	Justice League Dark	12	This comic was good although a bit lost while Milligan was writing. The comic found its way and became wonderful when Lemire took over. More people should be reading this.
32	Birds of Prey	47	I really want this comic book to be good. Under Duane I Seriously Can't Spell His Last Name, it's just been illogical with no regards to causality. The writing has simply been sloppy and lazy.
33	The Phantom Stranger	25	It's been pretty well done with some complex characterization (no, I'm not simply talking about the Phantom Stranger being Judas Iscariot!). It's still early. This and all comics beneath it sold under 20,000 units in January. That puts them all at risk of the chopping block.
34	Green Arrow	48	This comic book was a disaster under J.T. Krul. It was somewhat better under Giffen. It was horrible with Nocenti. But it looks to be on the rise with Lemire and Sorrentino. I wouldn't recommend reading any of this book prior to Issue #17.
35	All Star Western	11	If you weren't a big fan of Jonah Hex teaming up with Amadeus Arkham, shame on you! It's the team up I didn't know I was waiting for. I always look forward to reading this book. Get the trades! Support it that way! But more to the point: BEGIN READING IT WITH #17! 19TH CENTURY STORMWATCH featuring JENNY FREEDOM!
36	Legion of Super-heroes	44	Whatever. If you like these guys, maybe you'll like this comic. I've never been a fan and 17 issues into my first time reading about them, I still don't care.
37	Ravagers	45	Howard Mackie made a mockery of this comic book. He's possibly the worst writer I've ever read that was earning a paycheck doing it. What's worse? His editors didn't fucking seem to care! I don't even think they read his scripts.
38	Team 7	35	This comic showed early promise but it's just full of too many of the same character. A bunch of bad-asses that shoot guns. I guess they'll be getting super powers now. Too late, apparently.
39	Dial H	13	Really, people? Really? DC hires a real honest-to-goodness gosh-darn author and you don't give the book a chance? This thing is good and weird, people. Why are you letting it die?!
40	Stormwatch	23	It's because half the team is gay, isn't it? Jerks! Support this title!
41	Demon Knights	5	I'm amazed. Next to Batwoman and The Flash, this has been the consistently most gorgeous comic book of The New 52. Don't you people like eye candy? Also, a super fun story with great characters and well written dialogue.
42	Sword of Sorcery	18	It hardly seems this comic got a chance. The Beowulf back-up story was really fun with a creative future version of the world. And I can't believe this comic was canceled after the last issue of Amethyst where she was hanging out with Constantine. So adorable!
43	Legion Lost	48*	Tom DeFalco was writing this. I think I've made my point. *My rank it ended on.
44	Frankenstein	16*	I liked this book and it had tons of wacky potential. Sad to see it go. *My rank it ended on.
45	Batwing	37	This book had a decent initial story arc that went too long and was too predicable. After that, I really haven't been too interested in it.
46	Hawkman	52	This comic book has been crap since the beginning. Not one good issue here. Well, maybe one but I certainly don't remember it and I wouldn't testify to that fact.
47	Deathstroke	41	Under Kyle Higgins, Deathstroke was an amoral aging mercenary trying to maintain his place at the top of the food chain. It was going places. Then Liefeld flushed it all down the toilet. By the time Jordan took over, I just didn't fucking care anymore.
48	I, Vampire	22	Wow. This is ranked this low in sales? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Fialkov might have shot himself in the foot by flip-flopping the story's direction too many times in the first ten or so issues. But it's still been a consistently well-written book.
49	DC Comics Presents	8	I thought this was doing a solid job as a showcase book. But I think I know why it failed. Too many of the stories went for too many issues. This title should have been $3.99 with no back-up story. The showcased hero's story should never have gone more than two issues. It probably would have done better.
50	Blue Beetle	*28	This title was funny and well-written. Although it didn't star Ted Kord so good fucking riddance, bitch! *My rank it ended on.
51	Firestorm	40	As a super hero comic, this book was pretty lousy. As a repressed homosexual tale of high school forbidden love, it rocked! Hell, Jason and Ronnie even got married at the end of the Zero Issue! I'm sad to see it go because where else am I going to get sanctioned slash fiction?!
52	Grifter	*52	Ding ding ding! Worst. Comic. Ever. *My rank it ended on.

Demon Knights #17

I don't have anything to say this morning but I really want to read this comic book.

I've never painted in my life but I realized last night that I have a painting project in me that I really want to do. Perhaps I'll save it until my golden years though. I want to paint images and situations I experienced while on acid or mushrooms. I was thinking about one time at a flea market in San Jose tripping with my buddy Bobby. As we approached a rack of sunglasses with a small girl crouched at the base digging through a box of toys, the girl turned around and she was wearing a pair of those glasses with the eyes already on them. I was suddenly able to see the stylized painting I would do of that moment and it made me think of all the other drug-addled moments that would make lovely paintings. Lovely to me anyway. The kid offering me fizz. The brawl in the Grizzly roller coaster line between the transvestites and the asshole jocks. The kid that looked like Data as he did the "Live Long and Prosper" greeting when we asked to take his picture. Gumby in line for The Demon. Jupiter following me. The thousand years I spent in the strip joint parking lot. Sitting cross-legged on Jason Beymer's floor while his younger sister's friends drank and partied around me. Watching Jesus Christ Superstar in fast forward while listening to Rush. Rock and Roll bowling and seeing everybody staring at me constantly.

I think I should learn to paint. I could see myself really enjoying my golden years painting these moments.

Didn't I just type that I had nothing to talk about? Let's get back to that! I want to read Demon Knights already!

Since we saw Jason Blood was busy being tortured by Vandal Savage and unable to call forth the Demon since Jason had seemingly misplaced his mouth, let's check in on what Etrigan is up to!

Boredom seems fitting. He is in Hell, after all.

Lucifer stops by to taunt him a bit and then Etrigan impotently threatens Jason Blood. Meanwhile Jason Blood continues to endure torture and humiliation at the hands of Savage. In Al-Wadi, Exoristos, Sir Ystin, and the Horsewoman set off to rescue Jason Blood. Al-Jabr believes they'll need him to help stop Cain from taking Paradise Island. Well, not Jason Blood. You know who they really need.

Once they get there, Exoristos simply walks in the front gate to distract Vandal Savage while the others do whatever the others are going to do. Probably rescue Jason Blood! I hope they find his mouth while they're at it.

I'm going to miss Vandal Savage if they can't manage to finagle a way to bring him along.

Meanwhile, Sir Ystin easily frees Jason Blood. But getting in has probably alerted other guards and getting out is going to be much harder. Especially since the plan was to use Etrigan's muscle to secure their egress. Luckily Sir Ystin has a Plan B. B as in Bellerophon.

I'm surprised Savage didn't have someone paint a sad face on Jason Blood.

As they escape the castle, Horsewoman gives a thought command to Savage's men's horses to not follow. Once Vandal and his brigands mount up, the horses drop to their knees. Of course Savage knows what's up having ridden with the Horsewoman in the past. So it seems like Savage won't be along for this adventure. Unless his ire forces him to follow. But I have a feeling the others are going to need to seek out Madame Xanadu to fix Jason Blood's face.

Of course Jason didn't warn them whom they were going to see. He could have written it down!

Meanwhile on their steady march to Paradise Island (I'd rather call it that because Themyscira is too hard to spell), Cain and his Vampire Amazon cohort descend on the Bison Riders so that they can add a Vampire Cavalry to their army.

Demon Knights #17 Rating: No change. Even with the change in writers, this book is still one of the better written New 52 comics. And Bernard Chang hasn't missed a beat as the replacement for Diogenes Neves. It's simply a beautiful book to look at and a fun story to read.

Batman and Robin #17

Seriously? Is there more trouble in Gotham? Unbelievable.

About 850 comic book commentaries later, how do I still have anything new to say? Obviously I have new things to say that comment directly on the current comic book I'm reading. But how many ways can I say, "Scott Lobdell and/or Tom DeFalco can't write"? You know what? I'm going to stop referring to them by their individual names since I'm pretty sure they're the same person. From now on, I will refer to them collectively as Tott Dedell when I want to bust their balls at the same time. I never leave my tiny office to have new experiences to write about either since I'm constantly labouring over my pile of comic books to vomit up poison filled rants about the state of DC's editorial department. Even lunch wasn't a new experience! I've probably eaten 1000 burritos just like that one in my lifetime!

But that's why I read comic books, I guess! To live vicariously through costumed vigilantes so I don't have to actually live amongst the rest of this world's populace. So I can at least thank Tott Dedell for that much! I'd rather spend time reading his half-assed scripts than spending time with actual people. At least I know when I'm lying on my deathbed struggling for my final breath, I won't regret having not read enough shitty comic books.

Although I might regret having not read enough good comic books! I hear there are some good stories going on over at Image and Marvel right now! Too bad I don't have time to read them. Except for Saga. Of course I'm reading Saga. What do you take me for? An uncivilized, illiterate, intemperate barbarian of dubious virtue?

Luckily Batman and Robin has yet to fall into the bad comic book category. Peter Tomasi has been doing an excellent job with these characters (and Alfred as well!). And for those people who hate The New 52, I'm pretty sure you can read this comic book and simply pretend it takes place in the old universe. All the really important history is still the same, including the fact that Dick was Batman for a year with Damian as his Robin. This is my secret gift to you, The New 52 Haters: Batman and Robin is Preboot Friendly.

I once lamented while reading a scene from Batwoman where Kate and Bette are changing into costume together how we never see Batman and Robin in their underwear while getting ready. Well consider that lament rectified!

Okay, so they're not exactly in their underwear. But they're getting there because they're removing their costumes at the end of a long night.

That's the first page. Beautiful moment. And look at those sandwiches! I've always had a love of cartoon sandwiches. Yogi Bear's sandwiches always looked so fucking delicious. One New Year's Eve while near passing out from inebriation, I gave voice to my fetishization of cartoon food for a solid ten minutes. I only wish one could retain the exact structure and nuance of speeches like these, born of spontaneity and intense drunkenness.

On page two, I proffer another example of the excellence with which this comic book is put together.

Some writers would ruin this moment, feeling it necessary to fill the space with Damian's inner thoughts.

Those panels above go a long way toward bonding the reader with the characters and this comic book. These are panels that are necessary for the long term relationship between the reader and the creators. In this we see that Tomasi cares about these characters. We see that he thinks about their relationship. In the simple act of a child comparing the size of his shoe to his father's, Tomasi engages our emotion to the story. I can only wish that this were the trend as opposed to Narration Boxes filling up all the quiet, empty spaces of comic book panels.

The comic continues in their dreams as Alfred, Damian, and Bruce all lie down to sleep.

Damian's dream begins as he watches everyone in his life sunk beneath the ocean, weighted down and drowning. He speaks with another version of himself, his two halves, the al Ghul and the Wayne, not quite reconciled with one another. He is calm until he sees Alfred drowning and this causes him to dream awaken. That just means he wakes from his dream within a dream. In his new setting, he begins following a robin throughout Wayne Manor only to find this:

I have no idea what Jung says about this dream imagery!

This encounter with a bat feasting on his father and asking Damian to join him actually wakes Damian up with a start. Does this mean a part of Damian wants to be Batman so badly that he'd consider helping his father into early retirement? Of course it would be a subconscious part of him. One of those Oedipal temptations that the dream mind loves to dangle in front of us? Or is this merely Damian seeing weakness in himself? Seeing that he relies too much on his father? Like I said, I don't know how to interpret this!

Next is Alfred's dream. Alfred dreams of helping Thomas and Martha and Bruce prepare for their last night on the town. He then hears noises down in the Batcave. Upon investigation, he discovers The Joker slaughtering the Bat Family with a hammer. Alfred takes it upon himself to end this asshole's reign of terror with a shotgun.

Even Alfred thinks this is how Death of the Family should have ended! Look at that smile!

Bruce dreams of losing his parents and finding respite in solitude. Or perhaps he just feels that nobody has suffered as badly as the poor boy that lost his parents on the night he insisted on leaving the movie early and he just wants to be left alone to pity himself and suffer in silence. Perhaps he thought he could lose himself in the persona of Batman. Instead, he became the popular kid in Gotham whom everybody wanted as their friend.

Or his dream just has to do with his repressed homosexuality and his love of The Joker.

At the end of the dream, Damian reaches down and pulls Bruce up from the bottom of the ocean. It is, and always has been, Robin that saves the Batman. Bruce awakens, checks on Damian, tucks him in, and goes back to bed. Meanwhile Damian dreams of fighting at Batman's side all night long.

The scariest two gargoyles in Gotham City.

Batman and Robin #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm a sucker for one shot stories like this. And even though I don't raise the rankings of comic books based on their annuals, that doesn't mean that I can't raise this issue's ranking a little higher than I normally would because the Batman and Robin Annual was extraordinarily well done!