Threshold #4

This fold-out just seems like a non sequitur. "Trapped inside the bottle city of...donkey balls!" "Trapped inside the bottle city of...trout!" "Trapped inside the bottle city of...bottle city!"

I guess the reason Jediah Caul has been without his power battery is that it's been miniaturized and shoved inside one of Brainiac's tiny cities. That seems about par for the course in the DC Universe. Why can't things ever go smoothly? I guess because twenty pages of Jediah Caul taking a leisurely stroll then sipping some tea then going home for a relaxing nap wouldn't hold anybody's interests. Well, it would hold my interests.

Yeah, that last sentence was probably either a lie or self-delusion. I'm sure I'd bitch and moan through the whole comic.

The issue begins with some thing falling apart or turning into Brainiac or something. Then Ember follows Stealth around because Ember wants a best friend. And then Star Hawkins, Ace Space Detective, and his robot Ilda convinced Jediah Caul that the host of The Hunted, Adonis, had his Green Power Battery.

I should condense all of my commentaries down to really short summaries like this! That's all the stuff I need to remember when I begin reading Threshold #5 next month! Everything else is just padding and bullshit to entertain other people. It's not like I asked other people to want to be entertained! The internet is a big place. Go read somebody else's synopsis of Threshold #4 if I'm boring you! This whole blog was only meant to supplement my failing memory anyway!

Man, why am I so abrasive and short-tempered? What a jerk!

I do like Ilda. Ilda is Hawkins' Assista-bot. Her mind has been imprinted with Hawkin's dead ex-wife's memories, so they're constantly bickering and tearing each other down. It's the healthiest relationship I've seen in a long time.

Meanwhile K'rot and Sleen are considering how to break into Adonis the Slug's house to get the battery as well.

This simplifying thing is great! Why didn't I think of it sooner?!

Meanwhile, the Lady Styx has given Adonis's section of town over to the Collector (the Brainiac AI!) for shrinkage. Something about a non-aggression pact or something. I should probably scan a picture here.

So he's going to be miniaturized while miniature?

On the way in, Ilda notices a robot that isn't a robot at all. It's actually a rabbit. A robot rabbit. Caul instantly decides it must be K'rot because how many giant, anthropomorphic bunnies can there be in the DCnU, right? So he jumps over to K'rot so he can give him what-for for the Blue Beetle incident.

That works out nicely. As long as K'rot isn't lying.

To argue with each other, Caul dropped his miniature disguise and K'rot dropped his robot disguise. Ilda informs them that they may have made a bit of a mistake.

Maybe this will work to their advantage. I don't know how! I'm not writing it!

I just realized even these simply sentences summarizing the story are taking up too much time! I wonder if there's a way to shorten even these and still somehow remember what happened in the story?

Adonis the Slug realizes that once the Collector sucks up his neighborhood, they may lose some of their contestants. Adonis is on his way off the premises and he's got the folded space warehouse where the Power Battery is kept. It's a tiny sphere he can't stop fondling as he goes about his business.

You know, I'm glad K'rot looks like a rabbit and Adonis looks like a slug. There are so many characters running around Tolerance that I've been having trouble identifying all of the humanoids. Stealth, Ember, Space Ranger Rik Starr, Space Detective Hawkins, T'morra the Rebel Leader, Ilda the Assista-Bot with an attitude, and probably more that I can't remember which is why I'm so confused.

Well, that's one less humanoid I have to keep straight!

Ilda blows herself up to destroy the security coming for Caul and K'rot. But she'll probably be back to confuse me with another look since she has Caul take her memory chip before he continues on to find Adonis.

K'rot finds Adonis just before he boards his ship and fires tiny little Caul onto Adonis's head. Once Adonis boards, Caul turns back to normal and begins wrestling with the slug. Man, that should be an easy fight! The longer it goes, the worse the slug man is going to fare! Caul is human so he'll begin sweating and then Adonis will begin dissolving! Although Adonis thinks he's some kind of tough guy. He may look fancy, but he claims to be a mean bastard.

So it's the same as human puberty.

Because of the squabbling, Adonis never gets clear of the Collector. The story ends with Brainiac admiring his new city in a bottle, Tolerance's Sh'oiki Borough. And it comes with better than life action figures of Jediah Caul, Captain K'rot, and Adonis the Fancy Slug!

Meanwhile in the back-up story, all hell is breaking loose at the Space Truck stop, The Brimming Trough. L.E.G.I.O.N. has attacked so they can bring Branx Rancor into custody. But then they decided they could grab up the Star Rovers as well! But Larfleeze kind of needs these guys too, so he's not going to let this happen. And then there's the added chaos of Larfleeze's rogue Orange Lantern Corps. One thing's for certain: The Brimming Trough's insurance premiums are going up.

The New 52 needs more whimsical, crazy, fantastic shit like this. Seriously.

Stargrave, Larfleeze's Alfred, tells Larfleeze that the Orange Constructs are stealing him. That's what makes Larfleeze flip the fuck out and he's able to return the constructs to his ring. The L.E.G.I.O.N. Bots have all been destroyed. So I think everyone is free to get back to searching for Larfleeze's stuff! Except there's still the matter of paying Branx Rancor for his service. Branx wants to be paid something and Larfleeze thinks "something" is too high.

I think at least 10 of the 52 titles should be given to Threshold and its characters! There are too many for just this one book and they're all more fun than those grim, pathetic, super heroes all losing their friends and sidekicks and brothers and butlers!

Stargrave makes a deal with Rancor and doesn't tell Larfleeze. Everybody thinks they're getting what they want and there's no shame so now they can all go about the business of finding Larfleeze's stuff. All that's left is for Rancor to touch Larfleeze to get a hint of his essence so he can track down the treasure. And Rancor tracks Larfleeze's treasure down to Larfleeze. Well at least that bit of treasure hunting shouldn't cost too much. Larfleeze is super happy that Larfleeze is the thief which pisses off the real thief to no end.

I like Larfleeze so much that I often forget he's a mass murderer and all of his Orange Constructs are his victims. Creepy.

Threshold #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. I have a confession to make: I am in love with Threshold's back-up story. It's witty and intelligent and silly and whimsical and goofy and smart and has a crazy, beautiful art style. It's what I want in my comic books. Let's have less sad comic books putting their lead characters though misery and more crazy, over-the-top, fun and smart comic books. Mature content does not have to mean death and sadness.

Threshold #3

Another day, another drunken rabbit in space comic.

Spring is here and with it comes the soul crushing realization that rebirth is simply an illusion, a cruel hoax played on humankind by the natural world. "Rejoice! Spring is here!" sing the youthful, skipping through fields, fucking passionately in the meadows, drunk from the scent of newly budding flowers and fresh fallen rain. But where is the rebirth for my aching body, growing wearier and wearier year after year? The joy of the eternal is only for the severely self-deluded and those still riding the crest of the wave of youth. For those that have been pushed past the peak, quickly descending the other side of the wave, spring is a harsh joke and a worse reminder than winter's stark cold that it all must soon end.

What I'm trying to say is, "Happy Spring everybody!"

What I really wanted to say, having the bunny theme already set up, was, "Happy Easter everybody!" But being that most of the denizens of the internet are entirely too literal, I would have received an influx of "It's not Easter" messages. But it is spring! So like death swooping down magnificently on an old woman clutching her chest and gasping for breath, I've nipped that problem in the bud!

Besides, if I say something like "Happy Easter", people might read into the religious connotations of my sentiment as if every religious holiday hasn't been completely co-opted by secularists. I guess it's only fitting since the religious co-opted the pagan ritual days. I can't wait until another thousand years has passed and Easter becomes a day where everybody barricades their doors and hides in the bomb shelters because the grenade lobbing death bunny has once again risen from the grave, hop-hop-hopping down that bunny trail to eviscerate your children and leave their bloody hearts in a basket on your doorstep.

Who are the numb-monkeys that made decompression so popular? I'm not a man of violence unless a huge, well-muscled man attacks me for no reason and I happen to be carrying a skateboard but if I would allow myself an act of violence on anybody in the world, it's the people that respond to forum posts with TL;DR. Stop reveling in your ignorance and your short attention spans and thinking that people who enjoy the act of communication are somehow jerks for trying to make you read words. What these forum assholes are really saying is, "I'm an asshole and an idiot and I think typing four letters and a piece of punctuation is a sufficient critique of your ability to put together a coherent thought.

Now all the smarmy assholes are chomping at the bit to reply to this post with TL;DR. Although who the fuck reads any of my long-winded commentaries if they're that type of internet monkey?! I've never been known for brevity. Incoherent rambling? Check! Short, succinct analyses of pop culture media? Maybe if you break it down into snippets and you categorize each of my comments as a brief analysis of a specific moment in time, you might think of my writing as a series of "brief analyses" which cut deep into the heart of some archetypical landscape of our collective hopes, dreams, and fears.

Meanwhile in the comic book, the furries are stealing weapons.

Don't get me wrong! I appreciate the utility of a well-placed TL;DR. Sometimes a person will use it on their own post when they know some of the information they're placing in the text might be more technical or more complicated than the average person scanning the web might be in the mood for. But they feel the message is of some import, so a TL;DR note at the bottom summing up the text is helpful. Then the meat of the argument/message/whatever is there for those interested, and the synopsis of the message is also clear for those just speeding through on their way to more cat videos. But as a response to somebody else? It ranks right up there with "Meh". And ranking high, in this context, means it sucks. In my mind, it's always preferable to read somebody's disagreements with what I have to say than to have them respond as if they either didn't read it (in the case of TL;DR) or as if their time is too important or their intellect too great to say anything more than "Meh." "Meh" is only used in an insulting way. You might as well not even post. Or if you begin with "Meh" and then respond anyway, how about you just leave the "Meh" off, hunh, you condescending douchebaggy banana turnip.

Meh.

Wow. That was remarkable! Invigorating! Why am I wasting so many words writing about comic books and pointing out the good and the bad when I can just review each one with a "Meh" or an "Epic!" Holy shit. Why the fuck am I wasting so much time with my own thoughts?! "Meh" is the ultimate criticism! It can't be argued against! It derides just the right amount to show the other person is an unthinking bottom feeder and I'm that person's superior! It's also not very entertaining but I can live with not being very entertaining, can't I? Especially when I suddenly have so much more time to live! I shall embrace the "Meh"! I shall live by the code of the "TL;DR"! I shall become an INTERNET GOD!

Hey Sea Green Fish Face! That's the same question I asked last Commentary!

I wonder how remorseful Jaime Reyes is going to be about killing all of these innocent bystanders once he gains control again? Perhaps he just won't have to deal with it since he's unconscious underneath the Reach armor after being kicked in the head by that silly rabbit.

I can't believe I keep talking through this Hunted Live Feed. I'm like your jerk parents that can't watch a movie without constantly asking questions throughout the whole thing. "How big do you think that guy's prick is?" "Do you think she's completely shaved?" "How old do you think that actor was before he got his first hemorrhoid?" "Do you still love me?" I should get back to The Hunted since it's gotten particularly exciting now.

Fucking gimmicks!

Caul runs into a a Hunt Club called The Eradicators. But before they get a chance to kill him, Blue Beetle comes rampaging onto the scene to destroy their hopes and dreams. You see, Blue Beetle is still in his grace period. So the Hunt Club can't defend themselves against him. They can! But if they kill him, they'll end up replacing him on the show as one of the hunted. So their only real choice is to die. Okay, that's not much of a choice. I guess they could try to run.

See? They've come to the same conclusion!

Luckily for these Crimson Thrust wannabes, Jaime Reyes comes to and suppresses the Scarab's penchant for evisceration. Jaime flies off to go to ground, so to speak, while Caul breathes a sigh of relief. He also sighs because Hawkins and his robot bodyguard Ilda have caught up to him. Hawkins is a Hunted who disguises himself with Matches Malone Cloaking Technology. He's been trying to get Caul to follow him back to a "blind point" where the Live Feeds can't find them. It's kind of a Hunted Refugee Camp. Caul hasn't been interested until now. Why now? Because Hawkins tells him that he's found his power battery.

Meanwhile Captain K'rot is arguing with Sleen (who, it turns out, is a kitten and not a raccoon. Which means I can still have a weird, furry, inappropriate crush on her) about leaving Caul to the Reach Warrior. Apparently Caul is supposed to be their friend. But Captain K'rot is the Han Solo type. He ain't got friends, princess! He just has a gigantic sidekick and, well, in this case, a sexy raccoon/kitten/human hybrid. I wonder if she knocks over garbage cans at night and goes fucking batshit over dangled string? I wonder why Han Solo didn't have a sexy raccoon/kitten/human hybrid? While they're arguing their argument that will probably end up with Captain K'rot feeling guilty and coming back to save Luke's life, she mentions his missing leg.

If Liefeld hadn't been allowed to fuck up Lobo's Reboot appearance, I'd guess it was Lobo that took his leg. It would have been awesome to see Lobo flying his space hawg with a gigantic rabbit's foot hanging off the handlebars.

Before Captain K'rot can feel guilty (which I'm not sure he can), a green butler appears to offer Captain K'rot a job for 50,000 credits. He wants Captain K'rot to retrieve Caul's power battery. That either puts him at odds with Hawkins or means the green butler actually works for Hawkins. Whatever the case, it means Captain K'rot will be remaining on Tolerance for a bit longer.

Meanwhile, Space Ranger Ric Starr has brought Stealth back to the Refugee Bar where T'morra (the leader of the refugees? I think?) recruits other Hunted players to the rebellion. The current known members of T'morra's little group are Hawkins, Ric Starr, Ember, and Ilda (if a Robot Bodyguard can be a member). They seem to be getting Caul with the Power Battery lure. And now they've got a proposal for Stealth.

Everybody loves a rebellious underdog! As long as they keep that love and admiration hidden from the prying eyes of the ruling government.

Meanwhile Blue Beetle is being recruited for the cause by Lonar, another Hunted who believes he's a God. Or a New God. I'm not entirely sure what the difference is! I think it has something to do with Jimmy Olsen. His steed, Thunderer, does not make an appearance. At least not yet.

Later in the back-up story, Larfleeze is busy trying to retrieve his stolen possessions with the help of the Star Rovers and, apparently, this other guy.

I'm actually surprised he doesn't have a giant rabbit's foot hanging from his belt.

This is the famous Branx Rancor! Famous in that he was mentioned by Sleen earlier in the non-back-up story.

See? Famous!

The Star Rovers and Larfleeze strike a deal with Branx for his help.

I have a feeling Branx is going to be less likable than Lobo. I like him!

The deal is going as smoothly as one would expect between a narcissist like Larfleeze and a misogynist like Branx when L.E.G.I.O.N. shows up. They were hunting Branx and his companion and now they can add the smugglers, The Star Rovers, to their list of people to apprehend.

L.E.G.I.O.N.'s apprehension of a bunch of criminals in a starside cafe is going as smoothly as possible where a bunch of innocent people are caught up in the crossfire of an authoritarian military regime and a bunch of space villains when Larfleeze's rogue orange constructs decide to crash the party.

Be with us next issue for "Star Rover, Star Rover, Send Rancor on Over" or "Orange You Glad We Didn't Say Banana."

Threshold #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I could have hated this entire issue and I'd still love that it's left me with the anticipation of some character showing up in the future with a giant rabbit's foot attached to his belt.

Threshold #2

But Blue Beetle is a contestant, isn't he? Can a Hunted claim the bounty on another Hunted? Maybe the bounty just gets tacked on to Blue Beetle's bounty. That's the way I'd design it if this were one of my many games.

Hey! Last commentary, I said: "Based on only the second page of the Larfleeze back-up story, I want a full sized Larfleeze comic book." And now DC has released this press release (what else would they do with a press release?): "DC Comics has announced new creative teams for each title in its Green Lantern line and confirmed a Larfleeze solo series." Do I have that kind of power?! In addition to driving Tom DeFalco from Superboy and getting The Ravagers canceled (all things I completely take credit for), did I also convince DC to do a Larfleeze monthly book?! Man! What other things should I demand? How about an Ambush Bug back-up story in Action Comics? Is the death of Aquaman asking too much? Yeah, that's probably too much since he's currently everybody's favorite loser. And judging by all the non-death happening in Suicide Squad, I don't think anybody is actually dying in The New 52 any time soon. Although Threshold is a place to tell dystopian science fiction survive any way you can kind of stories, so somebody better fucking die in this thing!

But don't let it be Brenda! She's Jaime's cute romantic love interest so she's got a target on her head five feet wide. Or more! Maybe five miles wide!

Hey! Let's see a picture!

This one page is better than the entire run of Grifter.

So now that even the dumbest of you know what The Hunted game show is about and you know which side you're supposed to root for, let's see if someone can kill Jediah Caul this issue! Because he's a bad thing! A really bad thing!

When the last episode of The Hunted ended, Stealth and Rik Starr (Space Ranger Extraordinaire! And kind of effeminate for your stereotypical space hero) were cornered by Crimson Thrust! No, that's not a sex act performed by a man on a female during her moon time. It's the most baddest assed, top rated, fan favorite Hunt Club! They have the most kills of all the other hunt clubs put together*!

*I made up that fact.

I wonder if I should start some kind of betting pool for this game? It might not be fair though since I obviously have DC's ear and they might be influenced by everyone's bets! I guess we can have an informal wager, right? And you all know what I mean by informal, don't you? That means a real wager but we're all going to deny that it was a real wager if any cops are reading this!

My money is on Jediah Caul! Nope! I picked him first! Y'all better pick someone else. If you pick a Hunted, it means you think that person will survive. If you pick a Hunt Club, you need to pick who you think they're going to kill! If this comic book were realistic (and it almost is!), Crimson Thrust would probably kill Stealth and Rik Starr (Space Ranger!) and Jediah Caul and Blue Beetle to boot! But I bet they're humiliated and never catch one person ever. They won't even catch Captain Carrot when his drunk ass is introduced! And he's just a stupid bunny rabbit!

Since Stealth has no other choice (well, the other choice (before I get to the first other choice) is simply running outside of Stealth's hideout and reenacting the ending to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid minus the freeze frame), she decides to follow Rik Starr (Space Ranger!) to his possibly make believe "blind point".

I wonder what she means by "choke on it, 'space ranger'"? Is she trying to suggest something about these "space rangers"? Like perhaps they're not as manly as they might seem by the name of their organization? You know? Is she calling him a cocksucker?

Stealth has the power to turn invisible (shocking, right?!). But she's only invisible if she doesn't move. That's a pretty crappy power. That power is for cry babies and quitters! Or for people that have enough patience for the Crimson Thrust to move in close so she can cut the throat of Crimson Thrust #31. After she does that, she slaughters #8, #13, #7, and #42. She might also kill another one whose number I didn't get. And she blew up two others with a grenade before she made her escape although they weren't killed. But they were hurt bad enough that they might die now that their buddies are dead and can't get help!

Crimson Thrust is horrible at this game!

Meanwhile a couple of upper crust Happy People (one of them being Bleeding Adonis, the host of The Hunted), are discussing this season of the game.

Oh yeah! I forgot The Reach and the Green Lantern Corps are the deadliest of enemies! Except Blue Beetle's Reach Scarab is brain-damaged, so it probably won't be able to force Jaime to kill Jediah.

On the other hand (the first hand is the thing I mentioned in the caption about the brain-damaged Scarab), Jaime's carapace has been fitted with some kind of override tech which means The Scarab will finally get his way and be able to ignore Jaime's constant whining and moralizing. And in a bar somewhere on Tolerance, Jediah Caul is learning that a Reach Warrior is going to enter the game soon. And it's going to sniff out his residual ring energy like a thing with a good sniffer sniffing out something that smells like something it really likes.

So now what are people wagering? Is Blue Beetle going to kill Jediah Caul? Caul is basically defenseless with his ring uncharged. I guess he's going to have to seek help from Ember and her secret rebel group. Unless Jaime is somehow kidnapped from the game before he can even turn into the Blue Beetle.

What is Sleen supposed to be? A sexy space Raccoon?! She's my new favorite character! Sorry, Alysia and Brenda!

So Pig-Iron is also running around the pages of Threshold? I'm surprised DC didn't have to change his name as well. I wonder how much money they spent on lawyers trying to find out exactly how removed their characters had to be from the original Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew before they could get away with not paying Scott Shaw? Probably a lot of money that they could have paid Scott Shaw while telling him to suck it because the new Captain K'rot doesn't pun and that's why he's different from the old Captain Carrot!

So Captain K'Rot and his New Zoo Crew Revue need to capture Blue Beetle so they can get a big payout from something called the Consortium. That sounds familiar but I'm too stupid and/or old and/or drunk to remember. And I've recently had a tiff with Lord Google since he seems to be trying to get me to use Google Chrome by passive aggressive means like nearly locking up Firefox every time I search for something. I guess that's kind of aggressive aggressive although he keeps failing at it. He's a dick. I might start hanging out with Viscount Bing instead.

Who thinks Yankee Poodle will make an appearance? Hopefully it'll be as Skanky Poodle.

Kicking Jaime in the head and knocking him unconscious is a big mistake due to the Carapace Override installed in him. The Scarab instantly takes over and begin shooting Reach Death Lasers at the New Zoo Crew Revue. They flee the scene and probably won't be chased because the Scarab will probably realize there is a Green Lantern to kill somewhere nearby.

In fact, he's really, really nearby! Caul has paid a visit to a recently dead gun runner friend of his (possibly killed by Caul after Caul arrived and was attacked and had to defend himself. It isn't made completely clear but that's what I've decided has happened) which just happens to be the first place Captain K'rot runs to when he wakes up the Reach Scarab.

I really should be plastering the original Captain Carrot's face on Captain K'rot but Captain K'rot just looks too cool.

And that's where The Hunted part of this issue ends! Next up, Larfleeze!

Larfleeze is currently trying to figure out who robbed him by questioning his butler, Stargrave.

I'm not sure I should like Larfleeze as much as I do. He's cuddly.

Larfleeze decides to enlist the help of the Star Rovers. It's a good thing I already learned all about Rick Starr (Space Ranger!) and the Star Rovers! I'm over-prepared for this issue! I'm not usually prepared on any level for anything! Is this what "pride" feels like?!

Since you've seen example after example of things I hate in comic books, here's a panel I especially love. Larfleeze just has a certain innocence to him that I find charming and lovable. If you hate the Larfleeze back-up story, we have nothing more to discuss. Good day!

After a brief attack by Larfleeze's Orange Army (an event that nobody can explain as of yet), the Star Rovers agree to work for free to help Larfleeze find his stuff. It's a little more complicated than all that. It's also funny and adorable. I like Larfleeze and I like his Space Alfred and I hope when Larfleeze gets his own book, it doesn't take itself seriously and begin crossing over with Green Lantern all of the time! It's about time for a funny, off-the-wall, not so serious, whimsical fucking book!

Threshold #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. Sure, I obviously really like the Larfleeze back-up story but I also like The Hunted story too. It's chock full of crazy characters and Captain K'rot did not disappoint me. Plus I guess I'm edging into furry territory by finding his cohort Sleen the Space Raccoon super sexy and cute. I just want to see her bury her face in a bowl of cat kibble. Um, in her underwear! I didn't mean to sound weird!