Invasion! Book Three: World Without Heroes (December 1988)

Looks more like Heroes Without a World, amirite?!

The Cover
Somehow Bart Sears pulled a cover out of his ass that I appreciate. Did Bart Sears begin doing Artist Steroids in the early '90s? I don't know what they are but the symptoms are drawing all of your characters like they just took steroids and got done lifting at the gym. Here, they're all just regularly muscled and Wonder Woman isn't scaring my penis away. I think that's just because I'm old though. In 1988, I'm sure my penis was cowering inside me at the thought of a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and what she might want is for me to satisfy for her sexually. My penis, at 17, was definitely not up to that task and it knew it. I've heard from a comic book reading friend that Bart Sears got over his '90s fixation on drawing everybody like they were burly pieces of beef jerky but I'll have to take his word for it because I'm not in any hurry to hunt down any Bart Sears comic books. I'll never get the taste of early '90s Power Girl out of my mouth. Dammit. Now I'm horny.

The Story So Far
It doesn't matter! The first two Books told a complete and coherent story of the invasion of Earth by tall toothy bastards whose foreheads looked like they never missed a Wesley Willis concert! I once had the opportunity to headbutt Wesley Willis at his merch table when I went to see him decades ago in Portland but I was too nervous. How do you prepare yourself for meeting a man who beat Batman's ass? It's impossible.

I suppose the story so far is that the nerdiest Dominator of all time has developed a bomb that will disable the Meta-Gene in Earthlings. He's so hyped to stop getting Dominator Swirlies and Dominator Wedgies that he's going to break the terms of the Dominator's Unconditional Surrender to Earth and restore the Dominators to glory! In his mind, at least. Obviously he's going to wash out and wind up stuffed back in his Dominator locker.

The Story
Before I get to my little comic book, I want to post a quote from the book I'm currently reading, John Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor (1960). I've owned this book for about 27 years and am finally getting around to reading it which is fitting if you know anything about the main character in the book. Anyway, here's the quote:

"I fear me what Father would say, did he hear of't."

"My dear fellow," Burlingame said, "we sit here on a blind rock careening through space; we are all rushing headlong to the grave. Think you the worms will care, when anon they make a meal of you, whether you spent your moment sighing wigless in your chamber, or sacked the golden towns of Montezuma? Lookee, the day's nigh spent; 'tis gone careering into time forever. Not a tale's length past we lined our bowels with dinner, and already they growl for more. We are dying men, Ebeneezer: i'faith, there's time for naught but bold resolves!"

Sure, this is sort of a standard profound thought, a bit of the old seize the day mundanity. Barth was 30 when he wrote this and there's a weird twilight zone in a young person's life where the realization that you only have the one life hits you pretty hard and you wonder what the fuck you're doing with it. But I just love the way this is expressed. The concept of how fast everything goes remains the theme throughout, that and nobody else caring what you do with your life, even the worms who will eventually eat you. It's not just about life going by fast; it's about not living for other people as well. I don't mean in an isolated, uncaring and selfish way! I mean in a don't let the authoritarian control freaks make you think twice about doing something you long to do. Look, maybe it's simpler if I just let somebody who expresses things better than me say it. Somebody like Chris Onstad:

It's fake ideas all the way down, man!

Not only is the rock careening through space: the space is careening through space! Everything is careening, faster and faster. If the planet is revolving around the sun at X speed and the sun is moving through space at Y speed and the galaxy is moving through space at Z speed and, and, and, well, it's all additive, you know? That's reality! Making sure you're home at 10 PM because your parents proclaimed that was your curfew? How the fuck does that stand up to what's really happening out past the roof, the atmosphere, the edge of the solar system?! Just fucking go for it, man!

At the moment, I may be a little drunk on misfiring brain chemicals due to reading and possibly genetics and I did drink a Monster energy drink because I hate my kidneys. Let me calm down a bit and we could get back to reading about that Nerd Dominator. I also need to process the loss of Todd McFarlane on this series. Gone too soon, especially when replaced by Bart Sears.

This is fucking page one. I guess we're just getting right into it, eh?

Okay, great, Gene Bomb deployed. What exactly does that mean? Earth will still be protected by Superman, Green Lantern, Batman, Green Arrow, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Starfire, Nightwing, Blue Devil, The Spectre, Jason Blood & Etrigan, Doctor Fate, Hawkman, Hawkwoman, Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Guy Gardner, and so, so many others. The meta-gene explains maybe — and this is being generous — fifty percent of Earth's heroes? Of course I'm only on page one and I'm bringing logic to an irrational gun fight. I bet Aquaman loses his powers because the entire race of Atlanteans are based on a meta-gene. And the Amazons too. And maybe Martian's have a meta-gene being that they're part of the Sol system so J'onn will just turn into a big green powerless gumby dude. And maybe Batman's meta-gene runs his memory so he'll forget his PIN and not be able to access his money so he'll lose all of his wonderful toys?

It turns out the Gene-Bomb doesn't immediately shut down the powers of every superhero. First, it makes their powers spike so they go out of control. In Moscow, Firestorm begins transmuting everything into everything else. In Manhattan, Captain Atom almost causes a nuclear incident. At JLI Headquarters, Fire begins barfing up green flame everywhere.

In the Dibny home, Sue considers divorce on the grounds of "My husband is gross."

Most of the heroes I named earlier aren't affected and they're called in to help stop the out of control heroes. The one exception in my list is Doctor Fate. Why is he out of control? He's not even really human when he's got the helmet on, right? Is this evidence that the Lords of Order are humans super evolved from the Meta-Gene?! I suppose Kent Nelson could have a Meta-Gene that allowed him to use the helmet effectively. I guess. I might as well let comic book logic lead my thinking or else how am I going to understand any of this shit?

By the end of Chapter One, the crisis is over. The non-affected heroes didn't defeat the out-of-control super-powered heroes. The out-of-control super-powered heroes just wore themselves out and collapsed. Having them collapse immediately after their meta-genes were turned off by the Gene Bomb would have resulted in a comic book with far less than 80 pages. And probably a really boring comic book. Also, without the sudden burst of power, how could Terra have come back to life?

Far, far away, Deathstork feels a mysterious movement in his pants.

All of the downed heroes are gathered in a large Lex-Corp medical facility where they're strapped to beds, hooked up to monitors, and supplied super bedpans. But the one thing the doctors don't do is remove any of their masks. Because even if they're dying, they wouldn't want their identities exposed! Also I don't know what kind of pillow they gave Firestorm since his head is still on fire. Were we still consciously using asbestos in 1992?

That bit about asbestos reminds me: I grew up in the '70s! That's my excuse for being as stupid as I am. I was huffing lead gasoline exhaust! I should get a medal for never becoming a violent criminal with all the lead, asbestos, and nuclear fallout from weapons testing I sucked down during my youth! Fuck, why didn't my Meta-Gene ever kick in?!

Since the medical community has failed at finding a way to reverse the meta-gene meltdown taking place (even the greatest scientists in the DCU like Doc Magnus, The Chief, Lex Luthor, and Dr. Megala), Hal, Guy, J'onn, Starman, Robotman, and fucking Dmitri the Rocket Red travel across the universe to have a word with the Dominators. They're obviously the cause even though there's no evidence as to the cause. Batman probably figured it out.

Guy stole my favorite line when I'm visiting the bath houses down on Castro in San Francisco.

The group run into Superman in orbit around Earth who claims he won't set foot back on Earth for some reason. He'll think twice when he's about to run out of oxygen. Why he needs oxygen when the yellow sun basically gives him everything he needs, I can't say. Maybe he just needs to keep some kind of gas in his lungs so they don't collapse in the vacuum of space? No wait. That's like backwards! Oh, never mind! I keep forgetting I'm reading a comic book and not a scientific journal!

While trying to find out while Superman won't go back to Earth, the Omega Men arrive in a star ship. They were headed to Earth to join the battle but it's over. So they agree to transport everybody to the Dominator's homeworld using their ship's hyperdrive.

Tigorr's an intelligent man. Err, cat. Um, man-cat?

Back on Earth, the heroes begin dying.

"Who's that?" you're probably thinking. That's Scott Fisher. "Who's that?" you're probably thinking.

It feels wrong that I used the whole "Who the fuck is that hero?" joke for two members of the Doom Patrol. But let's face it: it wasn't exactly the greatest run for those guys. And they needed to really start building up some solid wreckage so that Grant Morrison could crawl them out of it.

Apparently the person coming back to life in Markovia was Metamorpho and not Terra. That's too bad. Not that I'm not happy for Metamorpho. I just wanted more Terra. I guess I have to wait for fake Terra from the future (unless she wasn't fake?) in Team Titans! No wait. I already re-read Team Titans. I guess I'll never again have any Terra in my life!

The mission to the Dominator's home planet takes two seconds. Snapper Carr (who now has a super power because his Meta-Gene was activated by the Dominators in Book One and who is now a member of a superhero team named The Blasters) has the power of teleportation. He teleports J'onn to the surface of the planet where J'onn disguises himself as a Dominator (luckily one with a huge red spot). J'onn then infiltrates the locker where the Nerd Dominator has been stuffed, reads his mind, learns the antidote, and he leaves. That's it! They've got the cure! Story over!

Oh, right. They needed to fill 80 pages.

So all that's left is a bit of a space battle so that Superman and the Green Lanterns can have an excuse for being here (although Robotman, Starman, and Rocket Red really weren't needed in this entire plan). And we meet Frag who, I'm assuming, is one of Carr's Blaster buddies? But that's pretty much it. J'onn makes the cure, the team hyperspace back to Earth, Superman acts weird, and they explode the antidote in the atmosphere, curing everybody immediately!

Okay. Not everybody.

The Ranking!
If you don't take into account that Book Three was used as a launchpad for the whole "super powers are caused by a meta-gene" shit that DC will use to empty my pocketbooks with Bloodline a few years later, this really should have just been a two 80-page book series. This was an unnecessary third chapter! Maybe editorial also felt they needed to highlight the Earthlings that would become The Blasters since The Blasters was an new series about to hit the shelves that I'm positive absolutely nobody was interested in. Finally, the back cover proclaims, "We have no idea what we're doing! Did we need this third Book? Do we need a fourth?! Who wants more Meta-Gene stuff! DC! We're Putting the Meta-Gene Back Into Comics!"

Um. Yes?

Justice League International Special #2: Featuring The Huntress (1991)

The Huntress wasn't even supposed to be here today.

Not only was The Huntress not meant to be at work on the day dozens of old fashioned gangsters attacked the Justice League, she wasn't meant to be on the team at all! Flipping Maxwell Lord used his psychic mind control powers to get her to join which I could describe as rape but nobody wants to hear me discuss rape! First and foremost, I'm too facetious to write about anything that other people hold as profane or sacred, like The Bible or The Koran or rape. Second and almost more foremost than the first, nobody wants to read any serious and intelligent essays on rape, especially from an emotionally immature male dufus. But still! We all know mind control is a rape metaphor so this entire book emits the grossest vibes possible. It could only be worse if it were written by Gerard Jones. No wait! It could also have been drawn by David Finch! He'd have The Huntress getting out of the shower at least three times!

Just to clarify, I don't think women taking showers is gross. I think it's the opposite of that in that it's pure and clean! It's also quite sexy if you happen to live beneath the bootheel of the male gaze (which I do!). And nobody wants to be thinking "sexy" and "rape" at the same time! Therefore, grosser than gross. And if you don't know why it would be super grosser than gross if Gerard Jones were writing this book, just go read his Wikipedia page. I'll wait.

This issue was written by Joey Cavalieri. I've written thousands of these "reviews" and I don't have an extant tag for Joey Cavalieri (meaning I've reviewed no books written by him!). But that doesn't mean I don't know who he is! You should also know who he is because he wrote The Oz-Wonderland War starring Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew! That's one of the first comic book series that I ever owned, second only to Crisis on Infinite Earths (which really catapulted me into the world of comic books). I don't remember if what Joey wrote was really any good but the books of Oz and Wonderland were some of my favorites in elementary school. So I remember the series fondly even if I don't totally remember the series.

This issue begins by lubing up my male gaze with a shot of Helena relaxing in her yard while reading a book and minding her own business.

Now I'm all raring to tube the esopus!

Helena is living in upstate New York with the child genius James and his robot invention. She recently gave him The Wizard of Oz to read but he was all, "Why was that interesting?" And Helena was all, "I never read it." That's probably something writers do called "building character." We now know that Helena is illiterate and the Brainiac child she lives with has no childhood sense of whimsy. Later a young white man is introduced but I don't know if he lives with Helena and James. I think Helena is Catholic so it would probably be a sin to live with a man outside of marriage. He probably just drops by for anal on the weekends.

Turns out the guy is The Huntress's sidekick but I don't know who used to kick the side of The Huntress. He probably thinks of himself as her partner but if I don't know who the fuck he is, he was definitely a sidekick. Plus he's got Dick and Jason vibes all over him.

Helena sees some giant Robocop dude in the papers and decides she needs to go back to New York and alert the Justice League. I guess it was a picture of Robo-Mob. That's the opposite of Robo-Cop, at least on the East Coast.

Oh, sorry. She doesn't want their help; she just needs a babysitter.

The Robo dude is some guy named The Hunter and he's killing cops and high level mob bosses while working for some other mob guy named Angelo "The Brick Wall" Brancati. So it's a mob story. I never liked comic book mob stories. That's probably why I didn't read The Huntress comics much and I tended to be wary of Batman comics. Some writers of Batman didn't seem aware that he has dozens of crazy and off-the-wall villains to battle and would usually just have Batman fighting plain old regular mob bosses. I couldn't stand any story that starred Falcone, even if he were battling Penguin or The Black Mask. Unless it was that New 52 run of Catwoman and then it was okay for a variety of non-mob-boss-related reasons (the number one reason of which was "no longer being written by Ann Nocenti").

I'm not familiar with The Huntress and her various cast of characters so while Huntress fans might have been excited to see a couple of pages of some Jimmy Olsen looking motherfucker telling his wife about cop stuff, I almost put the book down to go do something more interesting. Like maybe go in the other room to grab the shredder and see if it can take a full annual in one go. This cop tells his wife that some vigilante is killing cops and she takes the news pretty calmly. Probably because it wouldn't be much of a loss to lose a Jimmy Olsen looking motherfucking husband.

I always keep a sense of humor when it comes to cops being killed!

That caption was a leftist joke. I just want to point that out in case Elon Musk is reading this because he thinks humor is outlawed on the left. But he's wrong. We actually have all the really funny and insightful jokes! The only reason Elon Musk and his idiot fans think humor on the left is dead is because nobody on the left looks at a skinny kid on a playground and calls him a fag. Those are the only real jokes they have: playground bullying. It's all they find funny! And while I admit that some playground humor is funny, like when you fart on your friend's face and catch him with his mouth open, the really mean stuff that's the foundation for racism and hate crimes isn't particularly humorous to me. If you make a well-crafted joke that calls me fat, I'll probably laugh and then go cry in the bathroom in private for five minutes. But if you just call me fat and turn to your friends and high five them as they laugh their asses off (not because "You're fat!" was a good joke but because you just hurt somebody's feelings (which is the only thing they seem to find funny)), I'll just cry right there in front of everybody for even longer then five minutes because he'll probably punch me in the mouth for quickly replying, "Your mother is fat!"

Violence and mean-spirited humor is all the right thinks is funny. Sometimes I also think those things are funny. But I also find loads of other things funny too! Like that speech in Hamlet where he's all, "I'm so sad! Should I kill myself?! Boo hoo! Nobody's ever felt worse than me right now!"

The Huntress comes into the cop's apartment through the window leaving her shampoo and body lotion smell all over the room so when the cop's wife comes in and asks, "Who are you talking to?", she'll smell Huntress all over this guy and stop trusting him. She just ruined this guy's marriage. Unless I'm supposed to believe The Huntress is completely without smell! I guess that's not the most important part of the scene to the writer. The writer just wants to give The Huntress all the information the cops have on this Hunter guy so she can begin her investigation.

I'll skip her investigation and get right to the part where she catches The Hunter and unmasks him!

Who the fuck is this guy?

Oh! That's the guy from the beginning. I didn't know who he was then either. Then I put the comic book down for several days and didn't recognize that it was the guy I didn't recognize earlier. Man. Who the fuck is he?! Dick Grayson's stand-in?

A bunch of mob guys descend on Huntress and Hunter after Huntress saves the cop Hunter tries to kill. Then the NYPD rush in shooting anything that moves. One of the things that moves which they shoot is The Hunter. Huntress is all, "I'll get you to a hospital and dump you off in the lobby before skedaddling so I don't have to answer any questions that might cause me trouble. I hope you survive!" But Hunter is all, "No time! I'm dead!" Then he dies and The Huntress thinks, "Fuck this investigative shit. I know whose ass needs kicking and I'm just going to go kick it." The ass she's talking about belongs to Angelo "The Brick Wall" Brancati, mob boss.

I get why you made that whole "brick wall" metaphor, Angelo. But that part where people are lining up behind it doesn't really make sense. This is sounding like Nocenti dialogue.

Angelo's metaphor is messed up in a number of ways but that's what happens when somebody fixates on something to this degree. The Brick Wall is his whole identity! So begins by talking about a structure which has a brick wall on top. Doesn't make any sense, buddy. He's the cement that holds the entire structure together (or just the brick wall) but then he's also the brick wall itself. I suppose it's a minor quibble to say "cement" over "mortar" since mortar uses cement but a brick wall isn't just stuck together with cement itself. I'll let that pass. But to stand there acting tough and explaining how he's the cement and the brick wall one sentence after the other? He's a fucking lunatic! Then he finishes off by saying how when there's a brick wall, people either line up behind it or get shot up against it. It's like he worked the entire metaphor out just to get to the point where he can say, "If you're against the brick wall, you're about to be shot!" Which is a fucking good line! That I wrote! He should have just said that! But no! He has to say you're either against the wall getting shot or lining up behind it. But who lines up behind a brick wall?! A bunch of guys who need to pee?

Meanwhile, the Justice League (because this is a Justice League comic book, remember) has been spying on her and they figure maybe they should help her out of this mess. They probably also want to protect some cops but I don't like that part as much so let's forget about it.

Blue Beetle's bug comes flying in to the rescue just as The Brick Wall drops that line about The Huntress being on her own. It's like this thing were written by a writer who has never learned the word subtlety. The mob guys, also never having learned the word subtlety, beginning firing all of their tommy gun bullets into Beetle's flying bug. Beetle decides a hail of bullets is the best thing to jump into and heads to the ground in the middle of one. Ice clings to his chest because I guess she hasn't learned that thing that Iceman does where he just constantly builds ice ramps to slide all over the place. I know civilians hating the X-men was a metaphor for racism but thinking about how Iceman probably flooded so many buildings just so he could swoop around on ice ramps has me hating the X-men too.

The battle takes place on a bridge already falling apart due to New York's infrastructure completely falling apart (it's been a theme of this issue that I haven't commented on because it was boring and too close to the truth). The battle makes the bridge fall apart even more.

The cover shows Fire and Martian Manhunter taking place in this fight because DC's covers are constantly full of lies.

Is this the scene where The Huntress lets the mob boss fall to his death to show how different she is from Batman? I hope so! Even though Batman could let somebody fall to their death during a fight in which he took part that helped weaken the bridge that collapsed under the person falling to their death and still pretend like he didn't kill that person. Batman likes to pretend his no-kill policy is black and white but his no-kill policy is actually all kinds of gray. It's just nobody wants to argue with Batman about it because he debates like a fucking dick and wins most arguments because people just get so frustrated and annoyed while arguing with him that they give up.

It's also possible that this is just an easy way to end this conflict. The Brick Wall dies through no fault of The Huntress and thus she can't be hounded by the law for killing a guy. And The Huntress doesn't have to worry about this jerk making her life a living hell because he's been killed. But he'll also have fallen into a river so is he dead? Will he come back for a new mini-series? If this issue sold well, I'm sure he did.

The Brick Wall plummets into the river and his body is never found. Nobody tries to save him because he's a gigantic asshole. You know Ice could have done something if the writer had wanted her to. And J'onn wasn't in the fight but he was flying the Bug so he could have done something too. I don't think Beetle could have saved the guy though because Beetle is useless.

The issue ends with The Huntress throwing her costume into the incinerator. Does that mean this was the final story with Helena Bertinelli? At least until The New 52? Did a new woman take over being The Huntress? I have no idea because I never really read many of her comics.

Justice League International Special #2: Featuring The Huntress Rating: C. It's lucky to get a C! The Justice League was hardly in it. The antagonist was hardly in it. The Huntress was hardly in it. How did I even just read 38 pages of comic book when every single character that made up the plot was barely even in it? I think most of the pages were taken up by Helena which I don't count as The Huntress. And the Justice League didn't do a single thing worthy of their name. That one panel I scanned where Beetle and Ice are battling mobsters is the only action they took part in! The Huntress threw maybe two punches and one kick before the bridge collapses under The Brick Wall and kills him. Her partner who caused this entire story to unfold never even gets identified as anything but some guy she was working with! I'm probably wrong but I don't think he even got a name! And why was she living with some genius orphan? Oh, probably because DC has genius orphans coming out of their buttholes. Every main character needs at least one. This comic should have been called The Huntress Special Barely Featuring The Justice League because only The Huntress fans would recognize any of the bit players in the story. I sure didn't know who any of them were! I wonder if I can sue DC thirty years later for the blatant false advertisement that this was a Justice League comic book? I'm so angry now! Why did I fucking re-read this?!

I just realized the first special was exactly like this but using Mister Miracle instead of The Huntress. That one also wasn't a Justice League comic book! It was more of an offshoot of Mister Miracle's monthly book. And now they did the same thing with The Huntress. Wait a fucking second. This wasn't false advertisement at all. It was simply an advertisement! These fuckwits at DC convinced young me to pay $2.95 for a fucking commercial for a different one of their comic books! At least this fucking advert ended with The Huntress throwing her costume away so I didn't think, "I should read more The Huntress comics!" Instead I probably thought, "Good riddance!"

Justice League Europe #15 (June 1990)

Was the world they destroyed Marvel's Earth?

Despero is currently kicking ass in Justice League America and now The Extremists have come to town to kick Justice League Europe's ass. It looks like editorial called Giffen into their office and were all, "Enough with the jokes, funny man. You know that grimdark realistic and serious shit you're pulling over there in your LoSH comics? Do that shit here. Put all of the ridiculous characters on ice and get serious!" So then Giffen stormed out of the office, knocked the child pornography out of Gerard Jones's hands, and screamed, "We have to kill some superheroes or I'm going to lose my job!" Then DeMatteis was all, "We could kill G'nort, I guess?" And Giffen was all, "They told me I have to send him to the arctic! This fucking sucks! I'm so angry, I'm going to have to kill at least three members of the Legion of Super-heroes this month!"

I have never willingly read a Legion of Super-heroes comic book so I have no idea what it was actually like. For all I know, it was just as stupidly goofy as Giffen's incarnation of the Justice League! And before you say, "Hey, Tess, you did willingly read Legion comics during The New 52!", I'd just like to say, "No, I didn't. I read them because I was reading all 52 of the comic book series DC was putting out as a project. I didn't want to read them!"

This issue is called "Kings of the Dust" and begins with Silver Sorceress wandering about on her old dead planet. A few issues ago, she decided to go back home, leaving Blue Jay to escape a Russian gulag all by himself. But now that she's back home, she's finding the intense radiation and the never-ending rubble to be a bit of a downer. As far as stupid mistakes go, going home is almost always the stupidest.

I don't know what she's talking about because I'm admiring how Bart Sears sneakily got her nipples in.

Elsewhere on this elseworld, The Extremists are moping about because instead of every nation on Earth surrendering so that the Extremists could rule over them, they decided on suicide. I don't think they planned on suicide! I think their plan was fighting back but everybody knows that fighting against power just makes power more violent and homicidal. I guess the nations of this world also thought they were "the power" because why would they think five super villains were a match against all of this world's nuclear arsenal? Although fighting back with your nuclear arsenal probably is the definition of suicide. So basically the world leaders killed everybody in the world because they didn't want to lose power. Not that having The Extremists rule would have done the people of this world much good. But they wouldn't be dead, I guess?

This paper tries to get across a certain narrative but I live in a post-Fox-News world so it's actually pretty ambiguous.

If this newspaper were written by Fox News, the demands that were too crazy by "Extremists" could be a long list of popular civilization improving ideas that disrupt a certain segment of the population's power of economic, legal, and social control. The Extremists could have been demanding Universal Basic Income, free health care, steep taxes for the upper income earners, and rent control. Hell, judging by the way conservatives lose their mind at any suggestion that they try to be better people and understand that they benefit from living in the community around them, The Extremists may have simply been asking everybody to stop using the words "retard" and "faggot." Some bloated pink man who constantly argues they're more logical than everybody else probably stroked out from screaming about how their British friends can no longer simply state how they're putting out their cigarette! Guy on the radio logically screaming, "Just try saying, 'I retarded my faggot before stepping back in the building,' and see how quickly you're cancelled!" And all his pasty older listeners angrily bristling, reminding themselves to bring this situation up to their children when they came to visit. Later, many weeks after that visit, those same people were left wondering, "Why won't my children come to visit anymore? I guess I've been cancelled too!"

Being that The Extremists just tortured and killed the last non-Extremist resident of this dying planet, I'm fairly certain none of that was the case here. I think they're actually a bunch of evil nihilists!

I think this Earth has characters who are meant to be Marvel look-a-likes but I suck at knowing Marvel characters so I'm just guessing as to who each of The Extremists are parodying. Lord Havok is probably Doctor Doom. Gorgon is probably Doctor Octopus. Tracer seems to be Sabretooth. Dreamweaver might be The Scarlet Witch (unless the Silver Sorceress is. Maybe both are, depending on if Scarlet Witch is working with The Brotherhood or The X-Men). And the last member, Doctor Diehard, represents somebody else. Magneto, maybe? I don't remember this guy. Maybe he dies pretty quickly in this story arc. I hope that's the case or I'll just have to reckon with the fact that my memory is a real fucking tragedy.

I'm going to assume that I can't start using "mental quadriplegic" in place of the r-slur.

The Extremists are all really angry that they no longer have anybody to torture. But whose fault is that? If they hadn't destroyed the world, they could still pass the time playing video games or watching pornography on the Internet. But all of those modern conveniences are things of the past and the only hobby left is kicking rats and torturing the last living non-member of their gang. Gorgon decides that since Tracer killed their torture victim, Tracer should be next in line. And Gorgon has a weird way of torturing people: slamming them into the ceiling and jerking them off with his tentacles.

My endurance record for being jerked off by an octopus is 23 seconds.

Having escaped from a Russian meta-human gulag, Blue Jay seeks asylum at the Justice League International Embassy in Moscow. But being as how this is Russia and Russia is full of duplicitous scumbags, the shadowy man running the Embassy reports back to his superiors that Blue Jay has arrived and must be recaptured. But not before Justice League Europe has been alerted to Blue Jay's harrowing story of escape. I don't even know what the word "harrowing" means but I know when I'm supposed to use it! And escaping from a Russian gulag is totally the time for that word to make an appearance. That and when you're being jacked off by an octopus.

Some disturbing developments are taking place at Justice League Embassy and I'm not talking about Rocket Red fucking the shit out of his wife after Bart Sears uses his creepiest art style possible to show Dmitri coming on to her. No, what's really disturbing is this panel that I'm going to assume, and almost certainly incorrectly but based on his criminal history, Gerard Jones wrote it into the script.

Interior: JLE Rec Room. The Flash plays table tennis against himself while Dmitri's young daughter stands nearby, her leotard crawling up her succulent buttcrack, naked cheeks hanging out to either side. Script continued after I masturbate.

If Gerard Jones didn't write that scene into his script, are we sure Bart Sears' house shouldn't have been thoroughly searched as well? No, no! That's just me being silly and/or libelous! We all know comic book artists don't know how to draw non-sexy women! Remember that cover where Ice was knocked into a coma for JLA #38? That shouldn't have been sexy but meow! Although this picture is less "meow" and more "what the fuck are you doing, Bart Sears?!"

Power Girl shows up in her new skin-tight costume to distract everybody from the inappropriate skin-tight costume on Dmitri's daughter. Wally is all, "I see your tits and vadge!" And Power Girl is all, "You better stop looking at them or I'll kill you!" And Wally is all, "I don't know what to do now!" Luckily, Power Girl's nipples and camel toe have gone to wherever Captain Atom's dick goes when he's in his skin-tight costume so this comic book can still be approved by the Comics Code Authority! Whew! Good thing! Nobody in 1990 was going to sell a comic book without that useless relic on the cover! I'm fairly certain that by 1990, even the Comics Code Authority had stopped reading comic books and were just selling their stamp of approval to whatever comic book figured they could get away with sticking it on the cover.

Metamorpho is chosen to investigate the Blue Jay matter because even though he's long been comedy relief in other comic books, he may be the most serious and mature member of the current incarnation of this team. He's also willing to start an international incident in the name of justice.

Back on The Extremists' world, they've found Silver Sorceress and have begun beating the shit out of her while, once more, using the wholly inappropriate sound effect of "FAP." I mean, maybe not totally inappropriate:

See what I mean about comic book artists? She's practically dead and here I am with this boner.

Some comic book reviewers might get really serious discussing things like male gaze and misogyny here, especially considering the angle of this shot and the use of the word "penetrate". But that's not what I do. I don't write about the obvious social commentary that can be made about the audience being catered to by comic book creators, especially in 1990. No, I make jokes which point out those things but also cause Anonymous on tumblr to ask me things like, "Did you say you were into pedophilia in your Justice League Europe #15 review?" and "I have written to the animal cops about your penchant for sex with octopi, you disgusting pervert." Also maybe that second ask wasn't by Anonymous but by Gail Simone.

The Extremists learn the spell to go to whatever Earth Justice League Europe takes place on (probably Earth-1 unless Post-Crisis, it's the only Earth left? Which means it's Earth-1, I guess! But then what Earth are the Extremists from?! How is "the Earth from another dimension" any different from one of the infinite Earths of the pre-Crisis DC Universe?). Before heading to the non-destroyed Earth, The Extremists send Silver Sorceress to somebody named Carny. Amazing that with the mention of one stupid name, the reader can be left chilled and worried about what's going to happen to Silver Sorceress. Carny?! *shudder*

The Extremists transport themselves to Blue Jay's location where Metamorpho acts tough and then gets his ass slapped. They throw him into the teleporter and send him back to the European embassy where he gets to warn the others about a terrible threat to Earth. Although are they a threat? Five super villains appeared and beat up Blue Jay and Metamorpho. They could be a minor threat to, say, one Moscow neighborhood! I guess, as a reader, I'm supposed to buy into all the background information on them, like how they destroyed a whole world, how they love torturing people to death, and how they quite easily beat up the Element Man, so that I think, "Wow! This is a major threat to the Justice League and the world! I can't wait to see how this fucking plays out!" And I probably thought all of that when I first read this comic book at 18 (I was a dopey and naive 18 year old). But now I'm a cynical old man and all I can think is, "Does Metamorpho feel the same pain as a non-Element man when he's kicked in the nuts?"

Justice League Europe #15 Rating: A. It's the first appearance of The Extremists! That's got to count for something even if it was written by a pedophile and drawn by Bart Sears! The Extremists are pretty fucking cool even though one of them is named after a battery and one of them is based on Hentai and one of them has a broken egg for a face. They're still somehow bad ass! Or maybe I'm just basing it all on my memory of reading this when I was much younger and much easier to convince that things were super cool, especially if those things were ultra-violent and nihilistic! Now I just want my nihilism to come with strawberry milk and a nap.

Justice League Europe #10 (1990)

Judging by Power Girl's nipple, she's got tiny areolas.

After noticing Power Girl's nipple, I then realized Bart Sears draws The Golden Girls version of Power Girl and now I can't stop thinking about Bea Arthur's tits. I often think about how much I hate my body because it's only there to provide a home for my consciousness but I know one day it will betray me and fail to provide adequate living conditions for the essential me. And then I realize, "Wait a second. What has my body ever done to me? It's my fucking brain that treats me like shit! I never asked to think about Bea Arthur's nipples!" In much the same way I eventually matured and realized that I shouldn't hold any grudges with my mother because the reason my mother and I had such a tempestuous relationship was that she actually stuck around to raise me, doing all of the hard work to keep me alive, and my father, whom I had a friendly relationship with, ditched me when I was two and should actually have all the fucking grudges, I think I've finally realized I should have loved my body way more than my brain all along! Fucking tratior. Piece of shit asshole. I'm no longer feeding you literature, you gray douche! I'm going to hang out with my dick all day from now on!

I just realized the cover says "Story by Giffen and DeMatteis" but really the story is by "Giffen and Loebs" and I wonder how angry Bill Loebs was when he saw the cover of this...oh, you know what? I bet he didn't give a fuck. Look at how shit this cover is? I'd want somebody else's name on it too. Did somebody pitch this as the cover or did Bart Sears have carte blanche to do what he wanted?

Rocket Red: "What is stuff falling from sky?"
Power Girl: "I don't know! What is this?!"
Captain Atom: "Look at my posture! How would I know?!"
Rocket Red: "Picture me looking at butterfly and saying, 'Is this money?' Because being from 80s Russia, I am broke."

I know the cover of this comic book says "Jan 90" but remember that the date on the cover of the comic was always a few months ahead of reality. So this comic book probably came out before the Berlin Wall fell! Oh, maybe that's why all that money is falling from the sky! Some kind of metaphor about capitalism raining down on the rest of the world! Also our puritanical Christian bullshit which is why the Comics Code Authority logo is also raining down from the sky.

Okay, Loeb, I get it! You'd rather be writing crime novels instead of comic books!

None of that opening narration makes any real sense. "A warm, moist Parisian evening" just makes me think I'm having sex with a prostitute three days past her last shower. And the scent of money like a thrilling drug? Have you ever smelled money? It's fucking disgusting! I once found a rolled up one dollar bill and sniffed it hoping there were some residual coke particles on it and all I did was inhale the smell of the paper and ink of it and had a fucking migraine for five hours after. Unless that was from the residual PCP on the bill. Or maybe the dollar had been rolled up to easily slide up somebody's asshole earlier that day? Anyway, that's all speculation! What is not speculation is that I smelled money and I fucking paid the price. Not thrilling. Besides, "the scent of money is like a thrilling drug" makes the least sense of anything I've read today and I've read at least three Elon Musk tweets from The Last of Dying Twitter's Twitter account. So you know this makes no sense at all! I suppose Loeb is trying to say the lure of the money, or the possibility of large sums of cash, is a thrilling prospect, so much so that it's like an addictive drug, pulling and luring you into what will definitely be future trouble.

This issue is called "After the Fox" so I guess we're finally going to get a sexy member for Justice League Europe! I know, I know: that's Animal Man erasure.

Bruce Wayne is in Paris to attend a World Food Organization event to raise money for, well, food, I guess. The host is a mysterious woman named Vivian D'Aramis whom we learn so much about in two pages that you'd have a railroad spike through your head not to realize she's Crimson Fox (or Red Fox or Le Renard Roux or whatever). I hope the ancestors of that guy who got the railroad spike through his head which completely changed his personality aren't reading this because I don't want to offend anybody! The whole point of using the railroad spike through the head metaphor was to avoid using the R-slur and offending everybody!

Maybe in much the way I use the phrase "barn owl" as a secret wink to readers in the know that I'm using an offensive term, I should use "railroad spike through the head" to replace that other word but in a way where I'm winking in a really fast and distracting way to indicate what I really mean but also so that anybody watching me would think, "What's wrong with that spaz?" But they'd probably have to replace "spaz" with something like "guy acting like he just took the six foot drop with a noose around his neck" so nobody online tsk-tsks them for offensive word choices.

A bomb goes off, knocking the gigantic globe filled with money off the stage and sending it careening into the crowd! People will be killed! This is a job for Batman! But Batman is all, "I don't know. I could save them but at the cost of my identity? I don't know. If they're crushed, it's not like me not saving them is equivalent to me killing them, no matter how many Parisian philosophers point out that, yes, actually, it is."

Just in case anybody reading this comic book didn't know Bruce Wayne was Batman, Bart Sears shits out this terrible panel. Thanks, Bart!

Bruce chickens out and decides not to blow his cover while wondering where that fucking barn owl Vivian ran off to. Obviously she's no coward and went to get into her sexy fox costume to save the day, even at the risk of her secret identity being blown. Because, Bruce, some things are more important than your little set of stupid hero rules. I wonder if her parents were killed in a dark alley so that trauma ruled her life until the day a red fox smashed through her sitting room window and she yelled, "Sacre bleu! I shall become a fox because criminals are a cowardly lot and foxes are scary to like 5% of the population!"

The enormous glass ball smashes its way out of the building without breaking because who wouldn't use a bullet proof globe if you were going to fill it with money? That's like "Big Dumb Displays of Wealthy Charity 101"! After the globe crashes onto a car in the street and comes to a stop, a helicopter swoops in and grabs it with a crane on the first try! I bet that pilot owns like five thousand cheaply made Bart Simpsons dolls. But not to worry! Crimson Fox is on the scene to re-save all the starving people of the world! You know, first by collecting all the donations as her secret identity and second by recovering all the donations as Crimson Fox! She's a true billionaire philanthropist with severe trauma expressing itself in an ostentatiously public death wish display. Not like that cowardly Bruce Wayne!

Maybe it's just me, being an American and needing everything to smash me over the head because I don't understand subtlety, but she doesn't remind me of a fox nor is she crimson.

The helicopter pilot's name is Gaston which is funny because Beauty and the Beast wasn't out yet! Obviously I don't know the definition of the word 'funny.'

Bruce Wayne, feeling more impotent than when The Joker smashed Jason Todd in the face with a crowbar, watches as Crimson Fox tries to save the day. He eventually resorts to alerting Justice League Europe about the theft which is pretty telling that that's basically his last option. I keep thinking that I've bottomed out on how much I can despise Bruce Wayne/Batman and yet almost every time I read or re-read something where the writers obviously believe they're nailing his personality and character, I hate him a little bit more. I love terrible characters too but at least the terrible characters I love know they're terrible! Like Lobo and The Demon! The Batman is a fucking self-righteous, judgmental piece of shit. The only way I can cope with Batman existing as he does in the DC Universe is to believe that Alfred Pennyworth sticks his junk in every meal he makes for Bruce.

Before Batman's signal can reach the Justice League, Loeb and Sears provide the reader with a few pages of Power Girl's tits and ass. I mean a few pages of Power Girl and Captain Atom sparring as Dmitri and Ralph monitor her power levels. It's basically a couple pages to let the reader know how Power Girl's powers have changed. And also how hot she is.

Cool, cool. Good to know. But her tits are just as big, right? Oh yeah! Thanks!

Batman alerting them doesn't even matter because as they're getting the details from Catherine, the Justice League hear an explosion overhead, go outside, and see money raining down from a helicopter with a woman dangling from it. Imagine if Batman knew he was in this comic book how annoyed he be at the uselessness of his appearance in it.

Crimson Fox breaches the cab of the helicopter, slashes the pilot in the face, and the heli crashes into the JLE embassy, specifically Captain Atom's room.

How toxic is Max Lord that Captain Atom thinks the blame for this accident will be placed squarely on him by that asshole?

I really feel bad for Captain Atom. This is the reaction of a victim of abuse! If I were Captain Atom, being that I'm also a toxic asshole, I would blame this on Power Girl's recent loss of her powers. "We didn't have time to think up new drills! This was supposed to be where Power Girl, who used to be able to fly, would catch it in midair, when she was strong enough to catch helicopters, and fly it into the air where it would explode, when she could withstand that kind of explosion!" Then Power Girl would glare at me and I'd be all, "Ha ha! You lost your vision powers so I didn't just now erupt into flames! You loser!"

The criminals are captured, Justice League Europe makes the acquaintance of Crimson Fox, and Bruce Wayne finally gets away from the bodyguards long enough to change after the whole ordeal has ended. Crimson Fox is offered a spot on the team but she refuses. But only at first because Captain Atom embarrassed her by not getting aroused while she basically sticks her tongue up his ass. Orally, of course! I mean, you know, through speech! But later she rescinds her refusal after she sends Captain Atom a new bed with a note basically saying she's going to fuck him in it. Poor Sue and Catherine! More competition!

Justice League Europe #10 Rating: A. This was a good issue! A crime happened! A crime was foiled! Nobody got hurt! And it all happened so organically! Geez, who knew I was into comic books that basically amount to vanilla sex! I'm so boring! In relation to comic books, I mean! Sexually, I can't cum unless I have something shoved into my butthole!

Justice League International Annual #3 (1989)

Fire, Ice, Beetle, and Booster in Season Three of White Lotus. Spoiler: the dead body was Blue Beetle.

I fucking hate Annuals but here I am reading them because stupid 18 year old me decided to buy them. I think DC knew fans hated Annuals which is why they eventually decided to have big summer crossover events that took place in the Annuals. The editors were all, "Nobody is buying the fucking Annuals. How do we force them to buy the Annuals? If only Paul Dini would hurry up and create Harley Quinn, we could stick her on the cover of every Annual and people would snatch them up like they were acid tabs with Harley Quinn printed on them. But no! The fucking lazy bastard. I guess we'll have to tie all of the Annuals into a huge crossover event and then tie the event into one or two of the monthly issues. That'll teach the bastards to not buy Annuals! Or will it teach them to buy Annuals? Can somebody explain to me the difference between those two statements and which one I should be using?"

Despising annuals is like having a phantom limb. I used to hate them because they didn't fit into continuity very well, and often could just be ignored, and yet I bought them anyway, just in case! Now I don't read comics for any universal continuity and so I should just enjoy the stories told within annuals. But I can't shake the memory of my intense hatred of them. Maybe it's just that I don't really enjoy comic books the way I want to enjoy comic books. I think the only things I truly love earnestly are Sailor Moon and Lazy Town.

The first story is about a Pacific Islander tribe who have a problem: their location makes them a strategic foothold for both the Soviets and the Americans but they just want to be left alone. One of the tribe has a less-than-brilliant idea: give the island to Justice League International so it basically becomes neutral territory. What inspired Giffen and DeMatteis to think up this story? Was it the plot of a Marx Brothers' movie? Or did the artist, Mike McKone, approach them over lunch in the commissary one day and say, "Hey, can you write a story so that I can draw Fire and Ice in bikinis?" Then they were all, "Oh boy can we!" Then he turned in some concept art and they were all, "Maybe we'll keep their clothes on for this one."

What the fuck is going on with The Flash's lower torso? Is that The Flash's schlong?! How does he run so fast with that thing flapping between his legs?!

Max is sending various members of the Justice League to various embassies around the world. I'm afraid this story is going to be just as boring as it sounds. Unless it's full of 80s stereotypes! Then I might get a few rough chuckles out of it.

Ten pages in and there's little story but DeMatteis has dropped a joke about Brooklyn College not being a great school five times already. My initial thought was, "I bet Keith Giffen went there!" But it turns out DeMatteis went there and this is a bit of the old self-abasement. The tribe member from Kooey Kooey Kooey Island looks pretty white as well so maybe he's based on entirely on J.M. DeMatteis. It's hard to tell if the character looks like DeMatteis as I didn't do a lot of digging and 60+ year old DeMatties, bald and graying, doesn't look anything like the young guy in this issue. The character really just looks like Max Lord with a blonde wig.

Herb, the Kooey Kooey Kooey liaison whom I'm assuming is a J.M. DeMatteis stand-in, arrives in Tokyo but is sent on to New York via the Justice League teleporters known for destroying luggage (as we were reminded in the panel with The Flash's horse penis). The rest of the team has moved on to check out the inactive embassy in Brazil, so Martian Manhunter and Oberon will have to deal with the Kooey Kooey Kooey delegate (KKK? Really, DeMatteis?).

Go woke, go get shot in the face by Maxwell Lord. Is that how the Incel Gamergate saying goes?

Just to make sure everybody feels as disgusted as I do, there hasn't been a single panel starring Ralph Dibny where his neck wasn't at least 20 feet long.

Ugh. So gross.

Imagine if you had some big, long extremity. Would you go flashing it all...oh, never mind. I see why he does it.

Meanwhile, The Rising Sun, one of the Global Guardians who was brainwashed by Queen Bee to convince Europe that the Justice League were Nazis but then fell into a coma, has been transferred to the Justice League Japanese Embassy. It's not because Europeans don't know how to treat Japanese like you probably thought because you're almost certainly a huge racist! It's because Doctor Light, who is also Japanese, wants to have a look at him. Not because he's Japanese and she can only work on Japanese patients like you probably thought because you're almost certainly a huge racist! It's because they both have light powers! Unless it's because of the Japanese thing which is what I first thought because I'm apparently almost certainly a huge racist.

But at least I'm not a transphobe like Animal Man! Probably.

I say things like "I'm almost certainly a huge racist" and "I'm probably not a transphobe" because I'm not a perfect human being and I'm going to make mistakes. And if you think of yourself as perfect and not racist or biased in anyway, you close yourself off to accepting criticism and changing. Because if you view yourself as perfect and blameless, any criticism against you will be seen as a malicious attack! I prefer to think of myself as a terribly slow moving work-in-progress! Also, I know I'm a dinosaur and nothing I say or do matters. I'm content to let the kids change the world into whatever they think it should be! Why the fuck should I have negative opinions about it? In my day, we played a game called Smear the Queer and used the word "gay" to denote anything that was lame. Why would I think the version of the world I grew up in should never be lost?! Good riddance!

Martian Manhunter has been saddled with leading the Kooey Kooey Kooey delegation from embassy to embassy trying to catch up to Maxwell Lord. But they keep managing to stay one embassy ahead of him.

They don't stock a lighter or a book of matches at the Tokyo Embassy?

Max Lord and the others arrive at the London Embassy where they find it run by John Cleese's character from Fawlty Towers. It's mostly forgettable but I mention it because it leads to a really rare unicorn Elongated Man panel:

I guess when his neck is normal sized, his dick hangs down to his knees. No wonder he keeps his neck so long! It's less embarrassing.

Eventually Martian Manhunter catches up to everybody else in Paris where Max Lord makes a deal to create an embassy on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island. Which is why I dug up this annual to read while in the middle of reading Justice League America #33 and learning, via a note from the editor, that this comic had apparently been published before that issue. That's another reason I hate Annuals! Shouldn't this have been published after JLA Issue #36?!

That's the first story coming in at 32 pages. And according to the cover, the second story is also going to be 32 pages. Another reason I hate Annuals! Why do they have to be so long to tell the dumbest stories?!

In the second story, Martian Manhunter teams up with Batman to investigate the murder of a Gotham cop whom J'onn worked with when he first came to Earth. Turns out the cop's death was a random killing by some drugged up kid and not some huge conspiracy planned by a mob boss. Batman is all, "I'm sorry to report that his death was random and there is already a Batman so I don't know how you're going to deal with it." And Martian Manhunter is all, "Everything happens for a reason. That's Martian wisdom! Y'all don't have wisdom like that on Earth apparently or else you wouldn't be so fucking insane, Batman." Then Martian Manhunter flashes a few people in his true form and it makes him feel better. Batman continues to never feel better. The end!

The issue finishes with several Who's Who entries on the Embassy Chiefs and an assortment of other employees. I read them all because they were sort of funny and Keith Giffen did the art for the character portraits. The Russian bodyguards, twin sisters, keep a running total on all of the men they've fucked. Numbers were not given.

Justice League International Annual #3 Rating: I don't rate Annuals! It wasn't terrible but the cover was the best part. That means I could have looked at it on the rack back in 1989 and been satisfied but instead I decided to blow a buck seventy-five on it, read it, forget everything in it, wait thirty years, and read it again. Future plans: forget everything in it.

Justice League Europe #7 (1989)

"The Teasdale Imperative"? Isn't Teasdale the woman who faints at tea because Cerebus's tail busts out of the crotch of his pants like a massive boner?

I don't know what's going on on this cover so I just ignored it and brought up a comic book that has nothing to do with this one. Although I do need to get back to re-reading Cerebus eventually! My problem is that I'm too lazy to complete one project and yet I'm currently working on at least five. I will say this about Bart Sears' cover: for a guy who draws overly muscled people, sort of a pre-cursor of the 90s wave of new talent with a penchant for muscles, silly poses, and pouches, at least Bart Sears can draw a decent gun. Maybe. It's not like I know what guns should look like. But I do know they don't look like pieces of wood carved by a 7th Grader the night before their final project was due.

This issue begins in the unnamed Eastern European town being invaded by a mysterious and aggressive force of people. Justice League Europe is about to be overrun by the mob while...wait a second. Is that a nipple?!

I see Bart Sears was on the forefront of 90s odd anatomy and silly poses!

What could possibly get a nearly-invulnerable being's nipple hard? Surely nothing physical, like the fabric of her outfit or the temperatures. So it must be that Power Girl finds battling huge mobs somewhat erotic. Is that how nipples work? Or do they sometimes just get hard. I know penises work in that way where sometimes they just get hard and you're like, "What's going on, penis? What is it this time? A stiff breeze? Dew on a peach? A sudden remembrance of that dream you once had where you were fucking a vampire lady and holding her down as the sun came up and she exploded into dust and ash just as you blew your load?" Ha ha! I've got such a good imagination that I totally make up stuff instead of pulling dreams that I really had from my disturbing life!

The Justice League are having a tough time defending themselves because they're being attacked by regular people driven mad by an unknown cause. As a superhero, in that situation, you're supposed to not kill everybody, even if your life is in danger. From that definition, you can tell cops aren't superheroes. Luckily, Captain Atom notices that the lunatics are clawing and biting like vampires. Which probably means they can be fucked to death as the sun rises. I mean they can be punched a little harder than usual. Unless Captain Atom is just saying that because he's a military man and he knows that othering people is easiest way to excuse yourself from killing them. I think yelling, "They're vampires!", is like a conservative with a gun being owned by a Costco manager and yelling, "I'm feeling threatened!"

Justice League America arrives to save the day but there's something they don't know: vampirism is catching so they're all going to need stupid baggy hazmat suits. To warn them, Power Girl throws The Flash at them.

Yes, there is a more immediate reason: Power Girl fucking hates Wally West.

The evidence that the people infected are more than human begins to mount: Ice can freeze them in ice walls with no seeming harm; they can run through Fire's green flames, becoming engulfed, with no harm done; and Guy Gardner's ring, the most powerful weapon in the universe wielded by the most aggressive male on Earth, doesn't immediately kill all of them. Oh, and when the sun comes up, they all flee into basements and hidey-holes.

Blue Beetle mentions that he and Booster recently encountered a vampire and Batman is all, "You're an idiot because vampires don't exist." Look, Batman, I know you don't realize you're in a comic book but you do have the ability to observe the comic book universe all around you. To rule out vampires after all the weird crap you've seen, from magic to angels to aliens to Gods, how the fuck are you going to rule out vampires?! I'm pretty sure you've been a vampire a few times! Maybe Crisis wiped his memory of them.

This is proof that Power Girl is smarter than Batman. Probably why she winds up fucking Mister Terrific. Although that logical jerk wouldn't believe in vampires either, probably!

There's a page of interaction between The Gray Man and The Spectre but it's mostly to remind the reader that they're hanging out just outside of town. The Spectre still has no idea why he's there and The Gray Man is still drooling over the coming meal of corpse dreams. See, he has to collect the dream essence from the dead so he can feed it to The Lords of Order. Why do they feed on dead people's dreams? What can dead people possibly dream about?! Being alive? Fucking vampires as they burst into flames from the coming dawn?

Speaking of dreams, does everybody still vividly remember their first wet dream? What about all of their wet dreams?! At this point, I think at least 10% of my brain's memory is taken up by remembered wet dreams.

Martian Manhunter and Captain Atom discuss ways to defeat the vampiric hordes. Since the creatures would rather die than be caught alive, Captain Atom shares his plan with J'onn.

Being a shapeshifter, J'onn can't hide the fact that he thinks Captain Atom is a total dickhead.

Captain Atom engages in two pages of flashback detailing how Justice League Europe got involved. It's all information the reader could have filled in themselves although I know a lot of comic book readers hate not being told every little thing, so much so that many hate comic books if they don't have the character Narration Boxing all of their thoughts and intentions. But I think the two pages of flashback are just running interference between Captain Atom saying "They're innocent victims! We need to contain them!" to "Our only recourse might be to kill them all!" It's times like these that I think some comic book writers just see characters as the thing that the speech bubble comes out of. Perhaps it would have been better, seeing as how Captain Atom is the military guy, to have had him suggest the vampires might need to be killed initially and to have Martian Manhunter express that they're innocent. That's what happens after the flashback. Would have been nice to have that same ethical consistency before the flashback, seeing as how it's what anybody paying attention would have expected. I think J.M. felt he needed Captain Atom to fill in the innocent victim part early on when it would have been just as easy, and better, to have had J'onn bring that up.

Seriously, nobody believes the military man's first instinct wasn't to kill them all.

The real military guy, the head of the United Nations Peacekeeping force brought in to restore order, believes that order means killing all of the civilians to protect his soldiers. Insert into your imagination the meme of the anime guy and the butterfly saying, "Is this conflict of interest?"

Batman goes on to prove that he really does believe the creatures are vampires! He and Ralph hunt down some sleepers after which Batman orders Ralph to pull one into the sunlight. You could say Batman asks Ralph because he has long bendy arms capable of reaching into the vampire's den and easily pulling one out into the sunlight. Or you could say Batman was pretty sure that the sunlight would explode the vampire into a sexy cloud of ash and dust. And Batman doesn't kill. Therefore Batman knew the person would likely explode into hot ash (hot in that it's sexy) thus proving Batman believes in vampires. Also proving Batman is a huge liar.

After witnessing this, Batman pretends he's even more convinced they're not vampires.

I guess pulling the "vampire" into the sun was one of those "A-ha!" moments you'd get in some Sherlock Holmes mystery where some piece of evidence is uncovered and Watson is all, "Look at this trash that means nothing," but then Holmes is all, "Oh you're so stupid. Such an imbecile. Was your doctorate honorary? Pass me my opium pipe while I contemplate your ignorance!" Because whatever Batman just saw, it's given him the answer to the mystery. But he's unwilling to share it with Ralph because we're only in Issue #2 of a four issue story. Readers can't be informed as to what's going on this early or they won't want to stick around for the end! At least that's the way average comic book writers and editors think. I believe the more you reveal, the more interested the reader becomes and the more willing they are to stick it through to the story's conclusion. But then I'm just a big dumb critic who can't make anything himself! That's probably an actual critique I've received from Tumblr.

And then we finally get to meet Teasdale! He's a wimpy little wimp wimping all over himself in his effort to get revenge on Simon Stagg. I'm guessing they went to college together and Simon Stagg got Teasdale kicked out of the Quantum Physics Club by . . . dammit, I don't know! I wish I were smarter so I could have come up with a quantum physics joke right there. What even is quantum physics? Is it like little physics? Oh! So regular physics is all about big regular stuff! And quantum physics is about little stuff! I bet Stagg made a joke about Teasdale's quantum penis in front of the entire chess club when Teasdale tried to . . . dammit, I don't know! I wish I were smarter so I could have come up with a chess joke right there! But no! All my brain could come up with was that one of the chess pieces is a horse and horse's are best known for having a huge cock.

Teasdale doesn't reveal why he wants revenge against Stagg or what his plan is other than turning a bunch of people into vampires to attack somewhere twenty miles from where they're currently attacking the Justice Leagues. He's working with The Gray Man because The Grey Man probably wants a whole bunch of dream essence all for himself. Maybe that's why The Spectre has been compelled to visit this tragedy. He's meant to stop this jerk from getting out of order.

"You wanted me to do it! What if I just stayed here and ruined your ambition? Christ you deserve it!"

We learn that Buddy Baker isn't just useless but he also misses his kids. Rocket Red tries to console him and reminds him of the most important thing ever learned from 80s pop songs: the Russians love their kids too. They walk off into the sunset together so you know what 18 year old me thought seeing that panel.

The issue ends with Doctor Fate locating The Spectre which helps The Spectre realize what he's supposed to be doing: confronting the Lords of Order! The two of them disappear in a mystic portal as The Grey Man laughs maniacally nearby revealing his plan to rule the world!

Justice League Europe #7 Rating: B. Bart Sears' art is way too harsh and realistic for me. I've been saying how it feels, to me, like the beginning of the 90s Image art trend but I just realized what it actually looks like to me: if Neal Adams attempted to be more like Todd McFarlane or Whilce Portacio. He's the Missing Link! As for the story, it was okay. Not a lot of substance that wasn't either filling in stuff I didn't need filled in because I can make connections and heroes arguing about whether or not the bad guys might be vampires. If you put all the panels together that discussed vampires, it was probably eight pages of this comic. That's probably too much! Giffen and DeMatteis know I'm reading a comic book about aliens and people with super powers, right?! My suspension of disbelief isn't going to crack over a bunch of vampires! I don't need Batman to give me a logical explanation for them! Did they forget Metamorpho is one of the heroes in Justice League Europe?! A guy made out of whatever element he wants to be made out of? A guy who probably never shits and pisses although I have to assume he fucks or why would Sapphire want to leave a caveman for him? Because you know the caveman fucks! What else would a caveman know how to do?! Zugzug all day, baby!

Hey, did you know I had a Newsletter where I basically do this same shit but about Genesis? Give it a follow!

Justice League Europe #6 (1989)

"Hot for Teacher" is a perfect song with a perfect video.

"I'm not saying 'Hot for Teacher' is the best song" is something I feel I have to type now because the Internet is full of people who think the way they interpret something they've read is what was intended by the author. I'm just saying that for a song that does what it's supposed to do, it's a perfect song. You can't listen to it and not think, "Yeah, I want to fuck that teacher too!" And the video?! How did they cast all of those perfect little mini-versions of Van Halen?! Pretty sure there was some kind of cloning shenanigans going on.

I don't know that the teacher in this issue is going to be hot but she does have very nice calves. And Wally is paying attention so she must have nice breasts too. They're probably all in class to learn French so I hope this issue is as entertaining as Me Talk Pretty One Day.

Taking a closer look at the cover (because those calves really are nice), I notice that Cluemaster is in the back of the class alongside Animal Man. Cluemaster! The mastermind of Batman Eternal! In this issue, we'll get to see what made him the perfect villain for a 52 issue run of a weekly Batman series: his complete and total incompetence which some hotshot writers decided they could turn into a big surprise twist villain who suddenly knows how to be scary and competent. But in reality, the revelation was a huge letdown. "Cluemaster?!" spit-taked everybody reading the issue with the reveal before spiraling into an existential crisis where they cursed every decision they'd ever made in their lives so that it all ended up at the point some writer tried to foist this nonsense on them. Or was that just me? Anyway, let's move on to just one of the many, many bad decisions I've made over my life: re-reading Justice League Europe!

With Ralph looking at that ass all day and Sue checking out a nearly naked Captain Atom, the Dibnys must be having the best sex of their marriage.

If you've looked at more of the front cover than the teacher's sexy calves, you may have noticed, like I did with Cluemaster, some other characters not in Justice League Europe who are attending this French class: Major Disaster, Big Sir, and, you remember, Cluemaster! You can also see a tiny sliver of Multi-man or, more likely, one of his clones. If you could make duplicates of yourself, would you ever be the one to go to work or attend classes? Of course not! Unless you're a huge nerdy square like Richie Cunningham.

Was the name "Cunningham" a commentary on the family in Happy Days? "They're like every other suburban swine but a little bit smarter!" Or maybe it was just nonsense like "Fonzerelli" or "Malph." I've never heard of the surname "Malph" before so looking it up, I discover this: "The Malph family name was found in the UK in 1891. In 1891 there was 1 Malph family living in Kent. This was 100% of all the recorded Malph's in United Kingdom." That's the first hit on Google and I didn't even click the link to read more about it so I wouldn't dedicate my life to the information. But one family? 100% of the Malphs in the UK? And Ralph Malph's parents were named Mickey and Minnie? Definitely getting a Coneheads vibe from these guys. I don't think Mork was the first alien to visit the Cunninghams.

The Injustice League need to learn French because they can't do crime correctly without that particular knowledge.

In the next panel, Major Disaster mentions how their lawyer kept them out of jail. Is there a law in France against asking somebody to dance with their ostrich's uncle?!

If Multi-Man couldn't even tell the clerk, "This is a stick-up," why would anybody even suspect they were robbing the bank? If they had weapons already trained on the tellers, it would have been obvious and it probably wouldn't have mattered what he said. Maybe they did and Multi-Man actually kept the Injustice League from prison by spouting nonsense.

Lawyer: "Look, if my clients were actually trying to rob the bank, why would they ask the clerk to dance with their uncle's ostrich?! It was art! Like that picture of the pipe!"
Judge: "That's not a pipe. It clearly states on the painting that it is not a pipe."
Lawyer: "That's what I'm saying! This was not a bank robbery!"

Oh, never mind. Their lawyer kept them out of prison in America after which they came to France because "less superheroes." The botched robbery probably just ended with a quizzical look from the teller and all the Multi-Men slouching back out the way they came in.

This is the class and I don't recognize everybody!

Is that Java in the back of the room? Why is he still with the League and why would he need to learn French? Shouldn't he learn English first?! And who's the big-titted brunette behind Captain Atom?! Have I already forgotten all the heroes on the JLE roster?!

There's also an old lady in the class so maybe those two I don't recognize (Java and Big Jobs) aren just a few random students. The Injustice League walk in late because they're evil.

Back at headquarters, Sue and Ralph discover a French super hero named Red Fox fighting crime in Paris. Catherine and her nipple decide to check her out in an attempt to recruit her. No I will not scan the panel with Cathernine's nipple, you fucking pervert. Just in case I added the nipple myself when I first read this comic and somebody finds a non-touched-up version of the panel to call me out on it. Not that I had a history of drawing nipples on women and dicks on The Hulk. I'm just being cautious and protecting my brand (the brand being a cool guy who didn't draw cartoon nipples on cartoon women).

Oh what the hell. Enjoy!

Do you think Ralph Dibny ever stretches his nipples and makes them twitch? Oof. I just pictured it. I'm going to go be sick now.

Recently on Twitter, Elon Musk, the dumb-dumb, reported that comedy was now legal on Twitter. My first thought was, "Comedy has been legal all this time! I never stopped being funny!" But then my self-confidence, which has a terrible brand problem itself, got a hold of the thought and changed it to: "I guess I haven't been funny all these years!" You know what somebody is saying when they say that they can't joke anymore? They're confessing that their sense of humor has never grown past jokes with insulting stereotypes for punchlines. I bet they still draw dongs on The Hulk!

The scenes in French class aren't funny at all so apparently David Sedaris is just a big liar. While not being funny, Major Disaster notices the guy covered in a trench coat and fedora has a gray neck which leads him to instantly recognize him as Metamorpho. Which means he figures the other people in class are the rest of Justice League Europe. Do they have secret identities? Are they in danger of being exposed? That could become quite a disaster!

Actually not all the other people in the class are Justice Leaguers. Turns out, every single one of the people I don't recognize is a spy from a separate country keeping tabs on the Justice League. Most of them give up after this class when they realize the League is too ridiculous to take seriously.

A huge brawl breaks out and everybody winds up in jail. Catherine bails them out after telling Captain Atom they could have used diplomatic immunity to keep from being jailed. Is that really a thing? Can they really do whatever they want without consequences? I mean other than America having to take them back as national embarrassments. The Injustice League, not having indimplomatic immunity (the opposite of diplomatic immunity) wind up getting deported back to America. Just because the Justice League tried to beat them up in French class! They didn't even do anything wrong! They were just trying to learn French, then when they realized the Justice League was in their class, they attempted to leave. But the Justice League just couldn't let inbygones be inbygones and they resorted to beating the shit out of them.

Justice League Europe #6 Rating: C-. I suppose I can see how pitching this issue sounded like a great idea. "Just imagine the crazy antics that would take place if the Injustice League wound up in the same classroom as the Justice League! I'm laughing just thinking about it! Oh man. They're all so incompetent! Just think of the things Big Sir would do being that he's got some kind of mental handicap but people just treat him as if he's a big dumb jerk! And Clock King! He'd, like, keep looking at the clock and shit because he's got OCD revolving around time! And Multi-Man, with his serious depression and lack of self-esteem, why, he'd probably, um, be hilarious too somehow! And then Power Girl could punch some of them in the face because they're bad guys! Man, I'm crying because the idea is so funny!" But then they wrote the comic book and sold the comic book and I read the comic book and I thought, "Is this supposed to seem cruel? Can somebody help the members of the Injustice League already?!"

You can tell how bored I was by it by how quickly I summarized the last half of the issue and moved on!