Batman: Shadow of the Bat #15 (August 1993)

The design team decided Baby Diarrhea Green would be too off-putting. So they went with Baby Diarrhea Yellowish-Brown.

The Cover
I don't think I have any comments left in the tank for the technical proficiency of Brian Stelfreeze's painted covers. We get it. You can paint shiny abs and thighs. What most upsets me about this cover is how it doesn't relate to the first part of the story at all. Does it? Am I missing something? Did the brain damage I must have received as a child (which also caused me to forget that I was brain damaged) make me unable to understand the theme of the previous story? Was there a Hell and/or hors d'oeuvre theme that I didn't catch? How hard do you have to be hit in the head, and by what object, to cause you, later in life, to not understand simple plot developments in a fucking comic book? Also, in case that symptom is too vague to diagnose my issue, what injury also causes somebody to be able to spell "diarrhea" without looking it up but can never remember how to spell "hors d'oeuvre"? Can a doctor who reads my blog get back to me on this? I understand that by reading this blog it means you'll be a pretty average doctor who probably really only deals with feet. But I'll take the medical diagnosis anyway! Thanks!

The Story So Far
Batman has not pissed off a devil or a chef or a 17th Century witch-hunter so I'm not sure this issue continues the story from last time. The only reason I'm going to assume it does is that it says, right on the cover, "Gotham Freaks, Part Two". In that story that doesn't involve Batman battling a giant hungry for S'mores, Batman was patrolling the Black neighborhood in Gotham when he saw a white guy out after dark and thought, "He must be robbing bars because there's no other reason for him to be here at night!" If you're thinking Batman is racist because he profiled a white man, you're wrong. He's racist because he was patrolling the Black neighborhood. He followed the possible thief (who was the actual thief because he's The Fucking Dark Goddamned Knight Detective, you dumb bitch) to the Gotham Fun Fair where he immediately accused all of the Freaks of being criminals. Gina, the hot G-word Lady who runs the Freak Show, ran Batman off because she knew that her boyfriend who recently escaped prison was actually stealing from the bars and she was hiding him in her vardo. Batman, knowing his stuff and not trusting the woman (not because she was Romani but because she was so defensive and obviously lying and also a little bit because her ass was chef's kiss), decided to go undercover at the Gotham Fun Fair to catch the petty thief. Yeah, I know, Batman's wasting all of his time and resources to catch a guy who had been robbing bars. Who fucking cares?! It's not like at eight years old, Bruce Wayne's bar was once robbed. He really should leave this kind of shit to the police. Anyway, he discovered Gina's secret but she once again drove him off using the law which made Batman go, "How the fuck does a woman with that nice of an ass know so much about the law?" Did I say Batman was racist earlier? I meant he's racist and sexist.

Also, Bruce wants to fuck Gina.

The Story
Batman does some investigating but in plain clothes because if he gets caught as Batman, Gina will have him arrested for trespassing, breaking & entering, harassment, stalking, and threatening her with violence. Although if he gets caught snooping around as Bruce Wayne, wouldn't that be worse? He should at least be wearing his Matches Malone disguise!

While snooping, Batman discovers that the Gotham Fun Fair is 50 thousand dollars in debt and Gina's about to lose it to foreclosure. Also, Gina and Mike, the prison escapee boyfriend who's been robbing bars, had a double act where they would hypnotize audience members. Bruce didn't recognize Mike earlier even when Mike opened his huge stupid mouth and told Batman that Batman had apprehended him years earlier, but Bruce recognizes him in old photos because of a gem he's wearing in the act.

Well you can't not do crimes with a magic rock like that while living in Gotham!

Batman finally remembers this Mike character: Mirage! A character nobody but Alan Grant probably remembered in 1993! Other than Alan Moore and Grant Morrison, I mean. An old foe like this appearing makes me think I need to resurrect my Who's Who posts from my time on tumblr! Because I definitely have plenty of free time to shoehorn that in along with all the other stupid shit I'm doing! I can probably pet my cat less, right?

Discovering the thief is Mirage, a man who can make people see illusions with the power of his magic gem eye contacts, Batman knows where he's hiding: the freak show! Hmm. Either Batman's detective skills and instincts are far better than I realized or he just really fucking hates people with disabilities.

Spray him with mace! Beat his criminal ass!

Look, we all knew Texas was somehow involved as soon as he was introduced as a "new member" of the Freak Show. What a perfect disguise, right? A guy with no limbs robbing bars? Preposterous! Although in Tod Browning's movie, I'm pretty sure the guy with no arms and no legs knifes a guy.

Mike stops the illusion and all of his freak friends discover he's not one of us. Meaning he's one of Them! They'll no longer help harbor his ass on their turf. Mike flees, leaving Batman trapped in an illusion of being strangled. But the freaks (and Gina!), recognizing Batman is more one of us than Mike ever was, help break the illusion and set him free. Instead of rushing directly after Mike, he takes a few panels to scold Gina for harboring a felon. Justice!

Or should I say "just ass"? No? Whatever. You just don't appreciate hot comic book asses. Not like me and Dwarf Dave!

Batman gives chase and winds up in an illusion of Hell. So the cover makes sense. So what? I was wrong to criticize it? Fucking sue me. I don't care!

Oh, also Batman catches the guy and sends him off with the cops without ripping his contacts out. So, you know, he's going to escape while the cops wind up in a massive orgy back at the precinct. And just like so many other endings where Batman solves a crime where the money from the crimes was going to help regular people, Bruce Wayne buys up the Gotham Fun Fair to make sure the freaks don't try to fit into normal society. So typical of a rich guy. He could have just paid to bail out the Gotham Fun Fair with an anonymous donation. But instead he buys it for himself. Bastard.

The Ranking
Well that's it for my Batman comic books! I highly doubt I own any older comics starring Batman that aren't ensemble casts. Sure, I have tons of The New 52 Batman comic books. But I've already done reviews on those. I'm not going to re-read anything I already wrote about! What a waste of my not-very-precious-at-all time! I'd like to thank Alan Grant (if he can read this from Hell (or heaven, I suppose!)) for some pretty decent Batman stories, most of which ran only one or two issues at most. I don't think that's possible these days! It's definitely not editorially possible since editorial demands six issue stories so they can be collected and more money can be made from them. Although why they can't collect a bunch of shorter stories, I don't know. It's not like I know how to run a business! I mean, yeah, sure. I own my own business. But I never said I know how to run it!

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #14 (July 1993)

Was DC contractually obligated to do a story called "Freaks" once a year? If so, to who?! Tod Browning?

Once again, Brian Stelfreeze manages to capture Batman's expression at the exact moment he shit cums. If I could give a standing ovation over the Internet, I wouldn't do it because I'm lazy. That expresses how much I appreciate Stelfreeze's ability though, right? While I'm still sitting? Good.

The issue begins with Batman investigating a crime. Several bars were robbed in a concentrated area in Gotham (probably an are of the town that Batman's been ignoring so that real estate prices drop from the crime so Bruce Wayne can purchase all the property cheaply before Batman begins patrolling there again). As he thinks about the case, he puts on display his master detective and/or Graduate English Lit skills.

Only a reader of Derrida, Lacan, and Foucault would understand how "nondescript white male" and "Invisible Man" are precisely the same thing. In America, I mean.

Why does Batman look so smug and satisfied in that panel? He must be thinking how clever it was to equate a nondescript white male to the Invisible Man, especially while thinking about how the image was used for reverse effect by Ralph Ellison. Also, can using the eraser on the image to create glare be any more obvious here? It looks like I did it myself just now!

Dammit. Now my brain wants me to find an eraser and see what it would look like if I used it on this comic book. Bad brain! Stop being even dumber and more chaotic than usual! I need to shove some opiates into it to calm it down.

Batman begins stopping and frisking nondescript white males. Since this story is called "Gotham Freaks", my guess is that the nondescript white male is going to have a really fucking horrendously descript twin coming out of his belly.

Batman only encounters one nondescript white male while patrolling because, as Batman acknowledges, "they stick out like a sore thumb" in that part of town. Oh? What part of town are you patrolling, Batman? Hmm. Why do white men stick out there? Hunh? Explain yourself, you gentrifying racist billionaire!

Idiot! Don't give Batman clues as to your identity while you kick him in the chin!

Batman chases this guy down to the "fun fair". It's a place called "Gotham Fun Fair". It's a carnival or a theme park. Probably run by The Joker. When I think of a "fun fair", I think of some shitty little elementary school charity fiasco where they raise money by setting up stupid games, do Cake Walks, and send a metric ton of goldfish to their doom. The "Gotham Fun Fair" has a Ferris wheel and a roller coaster so I'm pretty sure it's more like a boardwalk, especially since it's on Gotham Bay. It also has an old-fashioned freak show where people say words that the kids today would rather throw themselves off of a cliff than ever say out loud.

I hope there aren't any gypsies on display!

Just so you know: I didn't type that word! I copied and pasted it from a racist government account on Twitter! I didn't even think it! I thought "the g-word" the entire time! So get off my fucking back!

The stupid M-word is offended by the guy calling him stupid but not because he called him stupid! It's because he called him a stupid M-word when he's actually a stupid D-word! Wait. I can say dwarf, right? Back in 1992, nobody cared about respecting what a little person wanted to be called because they were too busy debating the differences between a "midget" and a "dwarf". Seriously. I'm not being facetious. That was like a huge debate when adults got together over wine for more than an hour. Once people ran out of things to talk about, 100% of them would suddenly be all, "What's the difference between a dwarf and a midget?"

The three men hassling the little person threaten physical violence when he outwits them with the insults. But then the tall freak comes out and threatens to beat the shit out of them. Since they don't have an even taller friend to back them up, they skedaddle. That's the law of physical violence. The tallest person is always the strongest. This is where a young person would add "no cap" but I respect myself too much to use the lingo of the new generation. For shizzle.

Batman loses the nondescript white male in the sea of nondescript white males enjoying the fun fair. Being the great detective that I described him as earlier, he decides to go hassle the freaks in the freak show. Surely they're up to no good even if they're very descript white males (and some females).

I don't know why that middle lady is a freak. Because she loves to sit in carbonated water? Who doesn't?!

Imagine if Rob Liefeld had been asked to draw the lady in the tank. You'd definitely have to assume she was a freak for sitting in carbonated water because who would be able to tell Liefeld's deformed feet from his regular old boring feet?

The woman running the freak show, Gina Corolla, looks a little like a G-word so I'd like to move on quickly before the young people reading this get overly anxious about practically nothing. She yells at Batman for assuming her employees were criminals and drives him out. Her freak employees defend Batman's actions and she's all, "Yeah, I guess I'm just a little on edge because I'm horny."

"And I can't fuck any of you! Not because you're all weird! HR reasons! Power dynamics! It would be inappropriate!"

Just like the Flea Circus previously, the freak show's been losing money and almost insolvent. Of course it is! Just like the Flea Circus, nobody fucking wants to pay money for this stuff anymore! It's the late 20th Century! We're, if not better people, more apt to get an eyeful of weird shit on the television. And pretty soon the Internet! Nobody ponying up the bucks to see a fucking flea pull a wagon or to see a lady with a little extra skin between her toes. Although she is in a bikini and sitting in a tank of bubbly water. I suppose in 1992, I'd've paid to stare at that.

Just like the Flea Circus owner's grandson was robbing bars to pay for his granddad's debts, it looks like some nondescript white male might be robbing bars to pay for the Freak Show's debts. Come on, Alan Grant! You can't keep telling the same stories by replacing the nouns like some Comic Script Mad Lib! Although I don't actually know if the nondescript white male has been stealing for the Freak Show yet. That's me speculating and assuming again! Making an ass out of you and me and the speculum!

Just like in "The Human Flea", Batman suspects the person he spoke to while investigating the robberies isn't telling him everything they know. So he circles back to keep a close eye on the Gotham Fun Fair and maybe get a little more hassling in on the freaks.

Bruce goes undercover to stake out the Gotham Fun Fair from the inside. He's really staking all his chips on the freaks being behind this rash of robberies. He could patrol the neighborhood where the robberies keep happening and maybe run into the same guy he chased but why do that when he can pretend to be a day laborer and flirt with the hot freak show lady?

As an added perk, he gets to punch a guy just looking for some work right in the face. And his violence pays off!

Batman makes sure to think in one of his narration boxes about how he slipped the guy he punched in the face $100 to make up for it. Just like a rich guy. Thinks money excuses any behavior.

I suspect Bruce doesn't actually care too much about solving this case. I think he heard how horny this hot Gina lady was and decided he's pretty hot and horny as well. Why can't his detective work benefit his penis now and then, you know?

Bruce learns that one of the freaks, the guy with no arms and no legs whom they call Texas, hasn't been with the show long. Also, he's about the right size to fit in the duffel bag of the guy Batman encountered on the street. Also a guy with no arms and no legs is the perfect person to slip into a bar, crawl across the floor, climb the bar with their teeth and tongue and lips, pop open the register with their nose, hoover up all the cash into their mouth, and roll back out again without tripping any alarms. Or maybe he just unlocks the door from the inside after being shoved in a barely open window?

It's also possible that Texas is just Gina's ex-boyfriend with his head sticking out of a box with a fake torso on top. The perfect and not-at-all problematic disguise for a criminal!

Except now I'm just like Batman! Blaming the freaks for the crimes of just another nondescript white male! Because it turns out, Mike, Gina's "boyfriend", just walks into bars when somebody's got the safe open, commands them to give him the money, then makes them forget anything happened. He's got mind powers! No wonder Batman can't remember who he is! Or maybe simply because Batman threw him in jail five years ago and he was just a nobody back then.

Batman notices Gina sneak back to her trailer when the cops arrive to investigate some petty crimes at the Fun Fair. He follows her for one of two reasons. Either he suspects she's working with the bar robber . . .

. . . or he just can't get enough of that ass.

I was pretty sure it was the ass but then if he was following her to get a whiff of that tight caboose, he probably wouldn't be doing shit like this once he caught up to it:

Whelp, he's not getting any of that ass now.

Being an expert knife thrower, Gina manages to stop Batman from chasing down her boyfriend by pinning his cape to a wall. He points out she's just become an accessory to a crime and she's all, "You're trespassing, breaking and entering, assaulting me, threatening me, and you have no proof that anybody stole anything. Get the fuck out of my fun fair." And just like that, Batman slinks away, chastised. Is she Batman's most powerful nemesis?!

The Ranking
What a great story! It was so good the first time I read an Alan Grant story about an obsolete entertainment needing to turn to crime to finance its existence that I was all, "I hope he does another story just like it!" And oh lordy did he! But I didn't realize at the time that what the story was missing was a hot woman in tight pants who was so horny she was in emotional distress! I think I have a new type!

Green Lantern #25 (June 1992)

Neither Ralph Dibny nor Ted Kord would bet on Guy. So what was the actual bet?

The way Ralph and Ted are holding up their fingers, they either bet on how many times Guy would call Hal a cunt or how many times Hal Jordan would make Guy Gardner his absolute bitch. Unless the bet has something to do with the enormous tree stump Blue Beetle is sitting in.

By the way, where is the lower half of Ralph Dibny? Down the back of John Stewart's pants?

This issue is extra long for some reason. That reason probably has something to do with how many people loved seeing a brain-damaged man get his ass beat by a fucking cop. Back in 1992, I would have thought, "Who would admit to wanting to see that?" Here in 2024, I think, "I can't believe how many people vociferously declare they want to witness that."

You can't claim the cop didn't know the man he was about to beat the shit out of has brain damage.

Not long after admitting his disdain for somebody with a severe medical condition, Space Cop Hal Jordan basically calls one of his supposed friends the Inuit N-word.

I didn't even know this slur until I was in my 40s! And I only learned of it because of this fucking bastard's use of it!

Chapter One of this issue, the chapter where Hal searches out Guy Gardner so he can pop him one, was drawn by Tim Hamilton and inked by Gary Yap. I have never heard of either of those artists.

I'm not going to caption this "With good reason" because I am not a big jerko.

I'm sure Tim and Gary had a long and healthy career. Looking Tim up online, I haven't noticed his art has improved over the years. But I did laugh out loud at a number of his New Yorker cartoons (which is a huge compliment because, you know, New Yorker cartoons! Ick!)! I didn't look up Gary Yap because I'm 53. I don't have time for this shit. Can't I just casually insult somebody's most personal work and move on without making myself feel guilty by realizing they're full-fledged actual human beings with hopes, dreams, and careers far greater than anything I'll ever accomplish?! Can't I just be bitter sometimes?!

Borrowed without asking from Tim Hamilton's Webpage

As Hal knocks on Guy's door, Hal thinks to himself, "Maybe Guy Gardner is more than just a brain-damaged fool and he'll see reason when I drop in and threaten to utterly destroy Guy's life by demanding my old job back. Surely I can reach the non-brain-damaged part of his brain!" Guy invites him into his apartment for some tea and intellectual discussion.

I've said all I've got to say about Tim Hamilton's art. But I won't stop you from thinking some really hilarious insults about Hal's proportions!

Don't look too closely at Guy Gardner's kitchen table or else you might notice that he's sewn a makeshift vagina into the tablecloth. For fucking, probably.

It's not fair that I'm insulting some of Tim Hamilton's early work. How would I like it if you were to get your hands on some of my early work?! Did you want some of my early work? You want have a good laugh at my expense? Well, too bad! I thought I had a folder of it somewhere in my office but I can't find it right now. The only thing I can find is my poem, "Being There", which I wrote probably around the time I was reading this comic book! 1992? Possibly. It's in my office because I've transcribed it before in a different review. I'm not going to do that again. But I will scan it!

Check out that groovy dot matrix printer font!

If you thought I was being mean criticizing Tim Hamilton's early art then you can't laugh at my early poem, you hypocrite!

Guy's first instinct when Hal says he's taking back Earth is to tell Hal to go fuck himself. It's a good instinct! Hal's argument is that he wants to be on Earth. Guy's argument is that Hal should suck his fat cock. Hal then explains how he was chosen by Abin Sur and was the first to get the gig. Guy points out that he was also chosen but further away and that his ass could use a gentle licking. Hal's next point is that he battled all the villains for a long time. Guy points out that Hal fucking quit to pout around America while Guy took on the responsibility. Hal argues that Guy did the job wrong. Guy counters by calling Hal a pussy.

Oh? Did that strike a nerve? Pussy.

Guy answers Hal by saying that Hal always wants to talk things out instead of fighting. Um, what? Guy Gardner really is brain damaged if that's his view of Hal! Or else I am because Hal hates to talk! He loves to act! He's a brawler not a negotiator! But, at least this time, Hal refuses to be drawn into a fist fight. He's desperate to work this out through dialogue. Probably because he knows he won't be able to convince Guy through debate and they'll wind up fighting anyway. But he can't be seen as the person who threw the first punch. He needs a legitimate claim to the position on Earth and he knows he won't have that if he simply beats the shit out of Guy without discussing it.

But Guy doesn't immediately take the bait either. I'm pretty sure he knows the game Hal is playing. So instead of getting angry (being that he has every right to the position and all the power at the moment), he chooses to frustrate Hal Jordan with continuity errors and plot inconsistencies.

Come on, Guy. Wait until Zero Hour helps clear up some of the fucked up DC history left behind by Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Ultimately, Guy can't escape his tragic flaw of needing to be the best. Instead of pointing out that the job is his and the conversation is over, Guy challenges Hal to a fight to the near-death, winner take Earth, loser quits the Corps. Guy fell right into Hal's stupid trap. It's the biggest proof of all that Guy is brain-damaged. Who else would fall into a stupid fucking cop trap?!

Hal pretends he doesn't want to solve the problem through fisticuffs but he's only pretending to himself. Guy and the readers know Hal basically came to Earth to win the job in a fist fight. Guy probably decides to challenge Hal because Guy obviously thinks he's the better Green Lantern (he's not wrong in the way he's a more entertaining Green Lantern and better but he is wrong in that he's not the best body for the fascist cop program). Guy's too anarchic to be a good soldier. But he truly believes he can kick Hal's ass and by kicking Hal's ass, the matter will be solved once and for all. See? His tragic flaw! We know he's going to get his ass beat! It's what all the dumb comic book readers want! What I mean by that is that most comic book readers are dumb.

Chapter Two begins with a panel of Hal punching Guy in the face. So he does throw the first punch! Guy was counting on it. Not because it makes Hal look bad but because Guy just wanted to get the fight started already. So he called Hal a loser and a cuck and a gutless idiot and a whiner. You know, all the things Hal is but Hal doesn't want to hear that he is.

Earlier, Fire and Ice realized some shit was about to go down. So they gathered up both Justice Leagues to the scene of the brawl. But Hal also contacted the Green Lantern Corps to come help solve the dispute. The Green Lantern Corps keeps the Justice League from interfering. It's a Corps matter for who gets to protect Earth which means nobody living on Earth gets to have a say. Superman and John Stewart decide they should, at least, keep the two Lanterns from destroying the city as if they were a bunch of Teen Titans settling some Daddy Issues.

It's a good thing they're going to simply brawl because both of them regarded the other's use of Green Lantern constructs as "tricks." They must fucking hate themselves every time they create a giant baseball glove or cricket bat.

Both Hal and Guy point out the other is using "dirty tricks" when they use their rings which makes me think of my most favorite book of all time ever: Sam and the Firefly. If you want to trace my love of anarchy and chaos but also friendship and justice down to one defining piece of media, it's that book by P.D. Eastman.

Am I fucking delusional?! Am I the only one who realizes all Hal Jordan does is solve problems with fist fights?!

The third chapter begins with Guy punching Hal in the face. But this time, no rings! It's all hand-to-hand, baby! Hal's advantage is his military training and experience with punching people in the face. Guy's advantage is teaching gym and physically manhandling juvenile delinquents. And also maybe his brain damage? My money would be on Guy except I know Hal wins and I don't want to lose my money. So, sorry, Guy! I can't support you in this fight! My mother didn't raise no loser! I'm not saying I'm not a loser. I'm saying my mother didn't really put much effort into raising me.

Hal's chastises himself for getting punched so quickly by Guy. He thinks, "That was stupid. He's kept himself younger than me." Um, what? How does a younger person "keep themselves younger" than you? Sometimes I truly forget how fucking stupid Hal Jordan is (which is weird because I often think, "Man, Hal Jordan is so stupid!").

Guy kicks Hal's ass for many, many pages. But then Hal stops fighting because he remembers that issue of Catwoman by Ann Nocenti where she explained what a rope-a-dope was. And even though she explained it entirely incorrectly, Hal manages to rope-a-dope Guy into wearing himself out so that Hal can land the final punch for the knock out. It's not a bad fight at all. It gives Guy some dignity. It shows he's a fighter with a strong will who can channel all the rage and anger that fuels him. But he's arrogant and he defeats himself. I'm just glad Gerard Jones didn't use this opportunity to just make Guy into yet another stupid punchline.

For Guy's part, he admits defeat and, in the end, he gives up his ring without a complaint. See? Dignity! Later, off-panel, he might go dropkick a stray dog into a dumpster. But for now, he handles the defeat like a man who made a challenge and lost. Also he might have a lead on a Qwardian power ring.

Green Lantern #25 Rating: A+. I didn't expect this issue to be much more than a big brawl showcasing how much better Hal is than Guy. But it wasn't that at all. Jones handled the conflict elegantly. Hal obviously knew they'd battle but tried to avoid it. Guy could have kept his position by simply refusing to hear Hal out and sending him on his way. He had no need to justify the challenge to the position on Earth. But Guy couldn't resist a chance to prove he's better than Hal. It was the only way to get these two to fight. And once the fight began, I thought for sure Hal would best Guy easily. It's how Guy's been written by so many other writers who just don't seem to like Guy at all. But Jones allowed Guy to control the fight. To have Hal realize Guy was winning, that Guy could win, that Guy was ultimately more powerful than Hal. And then Hal won due to Guy's arrogance. It might seem like a centuries old trope but it worked out well. Hal's experience gave him a slight upper hand in the conflict and he beat Guy. He also took Guy at his word and forced him to resign from the Corps. Which, once again, could have been a really humiliating moment for Guy. But Guy sucks it up, gives up the ring, and simply declares he'll be back one way or another. But best of all, even though everybody roots for Hal to win, Ice never wavers in her support for Guy. She's the fucking best, isn't she?!

Green Lantern #19 (December 1991)

I forgot how huge Alan Scott was.

I had this theory when I was a wee lad that everything in the past was immensely bigger due to atoms and the things inside atoms (quantum guts?) squeezing together more and more as time moved forward. So the Earth was much more massive but still on the same scale according to the other planets we observe today. I don't know what my theory was trying to prove. Why dinosaur bones are so massive? That giants actually did exist like the Bible tells us? That the universe was actually shrinking? Perhaps I just didn't understand the concept of theories. What I'm trying to explain is that younger me would have totally understood this cover. "Of course Alan Scott is massive! He's from the '40s! People in the '40s were way bigger than modern folk It's all in my book, 'The Squash Principle' which I wrote when I was six."

Another theory I had was that déjà vu was due to the unending cyclical nature of the universe and how we continually live the same lives over and over again. I think I told my friend Bobby Henline that theory at a sleepover at his place one night when we were like eleven. He probably just responded, "MAGA! Guns, guns, guns! You're fired!" No, wait. That's Bobby Henline now! I can see how I could get mixed up though, due to the cyclical and repeating nature of the universe. It's sometimes hard to remember what part of your life you're currently living.

This great big anniversary edition begins with John Stewart trying to take away the freedom of some long-necked blue aliens who love to murder Blobels.

Maybe they hate Blobels. But maybe they love killing Blobels! How can they do that behind their own borders? Fascist!

I don't think we've seen these aliens before. They're too weird to be recurring characters. They've got those weird Satyr legs and ankles and long llama necks and big fat thick wormy tails coming directly out of their groins. Hmm, maybe they're not tails. Also maybe their necks aren't necks and their heads aren't heads! I'm making a lot of assumptions based on my humanoid biases! For all I know, each finger could be a big fat swollen clitoris and their eyes could be glassy membranes holding back their bowel movements! I'm not the only one that's suddenly horny, right?

Being an anniversary issue, the proper way to fill the extra pages is to have the character think about how they got to this point in their lives. This was 1991 so you needed a lot of extra room to explain a character's past over the last few decades. Unlike, say, in 2011 when you've jettisoned all of that baggage and hired Scott Lobdell to write fantastic first pages that begin, "My name is Superboy. I'm a boy who is super." Why didn't anybody come up with such succinct introductions before that?!

John remembers how he's an architect and how he's a back-up, back-up Green Lantern and how he married Katma Tui and how Star Sapphire killed Katma Tui and how he became a miserable wreck who couldn't pay attention to his job and got an entire planet killed. That only takes up five panels and gives a lot of information quickly and in a personal way. Could it be Lobdell's method was actually a step backwards in story telling?!

After telling the reader about himself, John goes on to aggrandize both Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner. Yeah, I know! He actually thinks up some nice things to say about Hal Jordan!

Oh, you probably thought it would be harder to think up nice things about Guy, didn't you?

Pre-brain-damaged Guy was a way better person than Hal Jordan. I would also point out that Hal Jordan has become a much better person since Emerald Dawn but why bother? Everybody already loves him so much. "Mmm, mmm, Hal Jordan! You're so bold and perfect and square-jawed! And your dick is huge! I can't get enough of your dick, Hal Jordan! Mmm! Mmm! So good!" You know, Guy's got a dick too! Maybe if it were stroked a little more often, he wouldn't be so irate and moody!

John Stewart's spiraling about why he was chosen to keep order on the Mosaic world (which used to be Oa). He comes to the conclusion that he's the most exploitable because he's the best student. Man, do I feel that! I remember one time in typing class on a Friday when we were always allowed to do our own work but Mr. Gary, knowing I was the best typist, wanted me to type up some worksheets for him. I'm not sure what I said to him in the moment because I was enraged but it amounted to "Fuck off, pudding man." Later that class, he asked my friend Paul what was wrong with me and I think Paul's answer was a simple shrug as opposed to Paul's entire theory of all the fucked up shit that was wrong with me. Because he wanted so badly to be my friend! And he still is! Thanks, Paul!

John's moping turns into "John has a vision."

Is it a vision or is it just a hallucination brought on by touching blue llama Satyr finger clit sweat?

John is right. The Justice Society disappeared forever ago. Was it due to Crisis on Infinite Earths or did it happen before that? Probably Crisis seeing as how the Justice Society were on a whole different Earth. So when did we learn that they were trapped in a bottle battling Ragnarokian beetles with paddles in a muddy puddle paddle beetle bottle battle?

Instead of assuming that he'd eaten some alien psychedelic something or other, John decides Alan Scott actually visited him in a vision. I guess architects don't believe in Occam's Razor. Although how well does Occam's Razor actually work as a means of understanding the world when you live in a comic book?! In a comic book, usually the most wildly inconceivable answer is the correct one. Anyway, John rushes off to Earth to stop looking for scars although, um, isn't that just what he's doing? The Earth is the past, man! Suck it up and become a citizen of Mosaic already! Stop miring yourself in the past, especially the super duper old past from the '40s!

Chapter Two concerns Hal Jordan. He's still recruiting for the Corps and while doing so, he finds himself on a planet ruled by Alan Scott's old buddie, Doiby Dickles. This comic book wasn't kidding about celebrating fifty years of DC history! Even if we're on the other side of Crisis on Infinite Earths. I suppose it would be hard to have a 50th anniversary celebration if you kept reminding everybody at the party that you threw the majority of the first 45 years into the bin five years ago.

Doiby turned a good portion of his planet into the Brooklyn of the '40s and '50s. He also taught everybody on the planet to speak like a '50s New York bum. I don't mean a houseless person! I mean a bum! As in what you'd call some no-good jerk neighbor in the '50s! Although they were probably all, "I'm calling this guy a bum because I don't understand how people can become down on their luck. And what I don't understand scares me!"

Anyways, I'm skipping over most of the Doiby stuff because who the fuck cares about Doiby Dickles and his old timey way of life? I was probably bored by it in 1991 so I'm absurdly bored by it in 2024. I seriously hope Chapter Three doesn't have Guy Gardner discussing the past with Pieface.

The "help" Doiby is about to suggest is Alan Scott.

Hal points out to Doiby that Alan Scott disappeared years ago. I don't know how Doiby didn't also disappear. I'm fucking surprised Hal Jordan even remembers Doiby and Alan. I'm pretty sure they should have ceased to exist in the DC Universe by 1991.

Alan Scott appears in a vision to Hal and Doiby too. He tells Hal to seek him out. So he and Doiby hop in Doiby's space cab and head to Earth to find some answers. Why Earth? Because Alan Scott didn't leave them any clues to his current whereabouts except that he was an Earth-based Green Lantern that wasn't affiliated with the Corps.

Time for Guy Gardner and Chapter Three! Guy only gets to pout for a couple of panels before Alan Scott appears to him because the entire last issue was a Guy Gardner issue. Some readers were probably sick of him by this point. Not me. I can't get enough Guy Gardner, even when he's written like a total Republican.

I'm not going to express what I'm pretty sure Guy's reaction to this was being that it was basically written in the '80s.

Guy Gardner's reaction wasn't to flaunt his Gaydar but to exclaim, "That was weird! It doesn't seem wise to follow that gay ghost guy. But it might be exciting!" So Guy flies back down to Earth (he was messing around in orbit obliterating small heavenly bodies) to investigate the disappearance of Alan Scott (who wasn't expressly gay in 1991 but we all saw his choice of collars. Most heterosexuals weren't that big on camp back then). Guy's first stop: visit Alan's children, Jade and Obsidian! That probably won't help because aren't they still super confused about how they exist on this Earth post-Crisis anyway?! Man, I really need to re-read Crisis on Infinite Earths. And probably that follow-up series about the complete history of the DCU which was all, "This is how it is now. We know you hate it. But you have to accept it. At least until Zero Hour and Infinite Crisis and 52 and The New 52 and Rebirth and whatever else we eventually come up with to fuck canon in its every orifice."

Todd and Jennifer-Lynn don't know shit about what became of their father. They suggest Guy go see Harlequin. That's when John arrives and says, "Maybe we should go see Harlequin." Then they run into Hal and Doiby on their way to see Harlequin. So they all go knock on Harlequin's door together, forgetting she's an old woman. She probably won't freak out too badly about three Green Lanterns showing up at her door. But seeing Doiby Dickles? Ugh. Gross. I'd rather blow out my rectum straining on a rock hard opiate shit.

I don't know what I have against Doiby Dickles. Let's play a game! I'll scan a picture of Doiby and you decide for yourselves what I have against him!

Doiby's the short fucker in the stupid hat with the irritating look on his dopey face.

The Harlequin (not to be confused with Harley Quinn who isn't old and not sexy) shows the Lanterns and fuckfart a message that Alan Scott left on the wall of their house: "I am needed. I will return, I promise you!" I'm not sure about that comma. But what do I know? I only have a college degree in Reading Shit. Maybe if I'd gotten a degree in Writing Shit, I'd know how to use commas correctly.

Old Harls pulls out Alan's old lantern that has nothing to do with the Guardians of the Universe to show the other Lanterns that wherever he is, he's got to be out of power by now. But then the lantern (which always has power? Why even bother with a ring? Just carry the lantern around!) conjures up an image of Alan Scott and confesses that it was the one who contacted them because it was lonely.

It sounds like Alan was fucking his lantern.

Not knowing when the lantern was last cleaned, nobody wants to fuck it. So they figure they'd better find Alan Scott and get his dick back to his wife and mistress so the lantern stops bothering everybody.

Did Alan Scott invent the fleshlight?

Guy Gardner says what everybody was thinking (including me!): How fucking lucky was Alan Scott to have a Green Lantern ring but no bosses? And his weakness was to wood instead of yellow. I bet wood is far less common to have to deal with because what super villain goes around hitting people with wood? Other than The Floronic Man and Mister Cricket (copyright me!)? Alan's lantern decides to show him how it came to be and how Alan got the cushiest Green Lantern gig in the DC Universe.

Chapter Four recounts Alan Scott's origin.

Was this drawn by a 4th grader who won some kind of DC sweepstakes?

Oh shit. This section was drawn by Martin Nodell, the creator of Alan Scott! I'm such a fucking asshole. Why couldn't I have had a mother who would often tell me, "If you can't write something nice, don't write anything at all"? Instead I got a mother who constantly yelled, "Get that slut out of this house!" So unfair.

The Green Lanterns are boggled by this Yalan Gur. Not because he looks more idiotic than Howard the Duck but because his ring works against both yellow and wood! And he's not bothering to follow any of the rules handed down by the Guardians of the Universe! He's a fucking maverick! This guy's my new favorite Green Lantern! I wonder why stupid 20 year old me didn't fall in love with duck-faced Yalan Gur when I first read this? What an idiot I was.

You know what the Guardians also told you not to do? Kill an entire planet of aliens, you bootlicker!

Alan Scott's battery explains that Yalan Gur was the teacher's pet. The Guardians loved this guy (and rightly so!). But then he was nearly killed by a yellow monster and the Guardians were all, "Maybe we shouldn't have created the yellow flaw? Was that a stupid idea? Should we take it out?" And so they did! But just for their favorite boy, Yalan!

Right? Fuck those little blue assholes!

You know what? I'm really enjoying Marty's cartoony pages. Also he was 76 by this time and really hadn't done a whole lot of comic book work in the last few decades. I wonder if DC paid him for this? I'm sure his creator credit meant nothing, having been established in 1940. They probably had him do this work for free and made it sound like some kind of honor. Hell, Mart should have received royalties his entire life on every single character based on his versions of the Green Lantern. That includes all the stupid aliens over the years like Chaselon and Ch'p.

Yalan Gur begins to fuck with the population of the Earth, forcing them into chaos at every turn. Eventually the Guardians grow sick of his cocky bullshit and decide to make him vulnerable to the simple stick after which he was killed. Although not by sticks or wood. He got angry at the Guardians and then forgot to protect himself as he re-entered Earth's atmosphere which, surprisingly, isn't made of wood. I'm not going to question the inconsistencies of a comic book written in the '40s (I'm assuming this isn't totally new shit so that I don't have to rage at how stupid it is). They were actually being written for kids back then! You think kids need canon and consistency and logic in their fantasy stories? No way! That's why they're so much better than me and you. I'm assuming you're an adult. If you're not, you really shouldn't be fucking reading this, kid. Go to bed.

So Yalan Gur's lantern remained on Earth causing trouble until Yalan Gur's soul repented its sins and Alan Scott found the lantern which still retained its weakness against wood. And maybe for burning up on re-entering Earth's atmosphere.

When the Lanterns return to the present (they weren't just being told the story of Yalan Gur; they were witnessing it first-hand via time travel. Is Alan's battery the most powerful Green Lantern battery?), Hal and John explain the lessons they've learned. Guy does too. Sort of. He sarcastically expresses the lessons he should have learned before fucking off to beat up Despero. And, well, that's it! Nobody finds Alan Scott. Nobody confiscates the time traveling Green Lantern battery. Nobody explains to Jade and Obsidian what the fuck is going on. They just go back to their jobs having done absolutely fuck all.

Green Lantern #19 Rating: C. Too long! Too boring! Nothing happened! The only good thing about this issue was Yalan Gur whom I absolutely had forgotten about but remembered instantly upon seeing Mart Nodell's caricature of him. I re-read the Green Lantern Quarterly comics a few years ago and already can't remember much about them (except that Scott Lobdell wrote one of the stories, maybe the one about that Jack guy?) so now I'm wondering if Yalan Gur got any stories in that comic? Now I want to go back and check!

Green Lantern #18 (November 1991)

When I was younger and full of pep and verve, I would have Photoshopped this cover to say, "ONE HORNY GUY!"

Never mind. As you can see (and which probably confused you for a moment or more), I did it anyway. My Photoshop skills have begun to stagnate so maybe I should return to the dictum of my younger days: "If I think it, I do it!" As you can imagine, that's led me into some pretty wild situations, like eating string beans or walking barefoot in grass. Fucking crazy times.

This is the original cover if anybody was curious.

The reason I thought, "ONE HORNY GUY!", was that my first reaction upon seeing this Franzetta-inspired cover was, "Did Guy Gardner just fuck his way through the Oan sciencells?" According to the cover (the one I manipulated), he has just done exactly that. So that's what this issue will be about. Guy fucking every Green Lantern villain. I hope he skullfucks Hector Hammond. Baby got back (of the head).

I haven't posted a review since the day before that violence-solves-problems guy was killed while shooting at Trump so I can understand if some of you were worried that that had been me. I will not refer to it as an "attempted assassanation" because that sort of implies the target was important and not a sentient fart in a poorly tailored suit. I also haven't been away for three weeks because it takes me that long to Photoshop one comic book cover. I just had some work stuff I was dealing with! Also I'm lazy! And it's been really fucking hot!

Speaking of people who think the ultimate problem solver is violence, Guy Gardner seems on the verge of climbing a roof across from the United Nations.

Of course Breakdowns began with some guy shooting Max Lord in the head and it didn't solve any problems. It just created this problem that's got Guy pissed off. Although for the person trying to kill Max, I guess it solved their problem of the Justice League continuing to operate even though they kept sneaking over international borders to instigate regime changes in Bialya. Which is probably breaking international law but when you're living in a country that invented the CIA, it's just another afternoon tea party.

Guy is right though. Not about the violence but about being controlled by the United Nations. He serves a greater authority. Not in the way people usually mean that when they're all, "I serve a greater authority!", and then you learn that the "greater authority" they're talking about is a historical delusion and believing that It exists should actually be categorized as a mental illness (I capitalized "It" not because I believe in the Christian God but because I'm a very respectful Boy). No, Guy serves the Guardians of the Universe which, if you believe in logic, trumps the United Nations by a number so many factors of ten greater that the United Nations would be reduced to zero if this were a math problem. Because the Universe is like the United Galaxies and galaxies are much bigger than nations.

After quitting the Justice League (which was just disbanded by the United Nations anyway), Guy smells his fingers.

Only a few reasons exist as to why Guy would smell his fingers and they're all gross (even if some of them could be quite sexy) so I'm not going to get into it.

G'nort approaches Guy as he leaves and freely expresses how he'd like to rub off on Guy. General consensus being that G'nort isn't just doglike but actually a space dog, my supposition is that somewhere in some comic (probably one in the modern age drawn by Simon Bisley and written by Gail Simone), G'nort humps Guy's leg. To completion.

This comic book came out in 1991 and has thought bubbles. I just mention it because sometime soon, maybe around the mid-90s, they all but disappear in favor of "Narration Boxes" where you get the protagonist's inner feelings about the moment but spoken in a way that's outside of the present moment, usually sounding like a commentary on a DVD, or somebody remembering an old story. I prefer thought bubbles because they're of the moment and honest and don't try to express far more than what the character is thinking at the time. Narration Boxes tend to wax philosophically on theme and meaning, expressing much more than the reader needs to know. They almost feel like a writer's crutch, knowing that the story they've written and the artist has drawn won't express the thing they want the reader to believe they're expressing. They're like an artist's manifesto posted next to their modern art piece which tells the reader exactly what they're supposed to think and feel while looking at the art.

Also, I mention thought bubbles because this is one of the things Guy thinks:

Now all I can picture is Ice humping Guy's leg and it's making me need to take a, um, bathroom break followed by a nap.

Not that I think Ice is a gutless weenie! But I'm sure Guy thinks Ice is a gutless weenie.

G'nort realizes Guy's feeling down because Guy has become DC's punching bag for every righteous hero. If they're not beating the shit out of Lobo to prove they can beat the sexiest threat in the DC Universe, they're beating the shit out of Guy Gardner because writers have made his character so unlikeable that all fans want to see is Guy getting knocked out. G'nort believes Guy needs some action to cheer up. But who can Guy fight when no writer at DC wants to see Guy act like a hero? Oh wait! I know! Every villain in the Oan Sciencells! And Gerard Jones will let him win because why not? It's time to revamp Guy's attitude and turn him into the greatest Green Lantern to ever live! Right before he loses the ring and becomes Guy Gardner, Warrior!

How did I ever like Guy Gardner? I never realized how much writers loved to make him spout Republican talking points.

I don't know why that homeless guy looks like a demon. Maybe Guy Gardner is currently flying through an issue of Hellblazer.

Guy Gardner winds up at a carnival where some lady named Kari who seems to have a romantic history with Guy works as a fortune teller. I don't remember her but that's probably because she's from the '70s or early '80s. I do own the issue where Guy Gardner winds up in a coma but I don't remember it much. It seems Kari misses the old Guy, a man of honor and sacrifice. But Guy doesn't miss the old Guy because the new Guy suffers from brain damage that doesn't allow him to identify with the person he once was. He just sees him as a beta male.

Guy wound up here because some person named Goldface wanted to see Guy again. They once adventured together in the anti-matter universe of Qward and Goldface remembers it fondly. But Guy remembers it differently. Mostly because Goldface is a super villain working with other super villains who have escaped the Oan Sciencells.

Does Guy choose the heroic thing or the violent thing? Don't bother answering, Anonymous. That's a rhetorical question.

Surprisingly, Guy doesn't win this battle against a guy covered in gold that shoots gold beams. Wait. Did I mean unsurprisingly? I don't fucking know. What happens is that the fight winds up in a draw and Goldface walks away because he didn't do anything except offer Guy a job and defend himself against Guy's attack. So now Guy feels even more impotent than when this issue began. Maybe even more impotent because of his old flame Kari who was all, "You're a terrible Guy Gardner who couldn't turn my Underoos into a foggy swamp no matter how hard you tried!" And she would know because she's a fortune teller.

By the end of the issue, Guy's beginning to realize he needs to make some changes in his life. How much do you want to bet that one of those changes won't be therapy? If not getting help from a therapist is good enough for Batman, not getting mental health help is good enough for Guy Gardner too!

Green Lantern #18 Rating: C. Not only did Guy not fuck all of the villains in the Oan Sciencells, he didn't even battle them! He didn't even see any of them! But he did learn that they were freed by the Mad Guardian in the hopes that they'd bring more villains back to Oa to be the Mad Guardian's friends. They did not do that. They just formed a little club with Goldface to become some kind of future threat. Ultimately, we saw no Angry Guy and no Horny Guy. We just saw a Lost Guy who realizes being the violent anti-hero who never actually helps anybody just isn't working anymore. Did it ever work? I suppose some idiots in their late teens and early twenties swooned over him like little hateful twats. I really wish I hadn't been one of them! I didn't realize how much of an asshole every DC writer made Guy out to be. I can't even imagine young me, who was definitely more full of toxic masculinity (because I had yet to be exposed to literature like Age of Innocence and Vanity Fair and Middlemarch and Beloved and "Melenctha" and a whole fucking host of other works that helped build my empathy past my love and compassion of cats), liking the Guy Gardner I've been reading all this time. I can only understand it in the sense that I was prone to putting people up on pedestals and imagining the version of them that I wanted them to be. I'm mostly talking about the girls I had crushes on in school but I think it extends to male characters I was drawn to, like Guy and Lobo. One of my biggest crushes that came out of comic books was Foxfur, one of Skywise's pre-Madcoil girlfriends, and how much page time did she get? Five panels at most?!

Green Lantern #13 (June 1991)

The three main poses of all rubberized superhero figures from the '70s.

Conservatives are generally the type of people who need a world in which objective Truth exists. But they also tend to be the ones to move away from scientific fact because the Truth of the universe rarely agrees with the Truth they want to believe in. What they mean by "Objective Truth" is a reality in which the things they want to believe is the reality forced on everybody who doesn't believe in that reality at all. This whole Objective Truth thing causes liberals to stumble in much the same way. They look around at the current manmade Status Quo and think, "This is the Objective Truth. Anybody who wants a reality better than this is a naïve jerk who needs to grow up and fight for the bare minimum of progress." But then this is our problem as mortal aspects of the universe allowed the most miniscule of moments to observe itself while being given a compulsive need for understanding. I get why conservatives fear God and Hell and would want to believe in a Truth that transcends the unending problems of our species. I get why liberals fight to maintain the small amount of social justice they've been able to claw from those entrenched in the ideas and ways of previous generations, fearful that any step too large might cause them to stumble backwards into darker times. I understand their fears and what drive them. I just don't think fear should ever be the motivating factor of any action we take.

Maybe I realized early in life that I deserve death and so death, and the fear that comes with it, have no power over me. I once killed a large wolf spider that I'd captured on the wall of my room. I had it in a jar and I could have set it free. But the idea of it coming back paralyzed me with fear and I took a bunch of poison and filled the jar and when that didn't work I smashed the spider with a stick. But it didn't make me feel safer. It made me feel sick and disgusted with myself. I had allowed my ignorance and my fear to take away the existence of this innocent creature. I destroyed the universe when I destroyed that spider. Both from its perspective as I crushed sense and experience from it, and from my perspective as I realized how shallow, pathetic, and sad living could be made to be for any one of us by any other one of us. I was not even twenty yet and I hated what we could become and what we often allowed ourselves to be and I simply wanted to be better, somehow, in some way. I didn't know how to do it. All I knew is I didn't want to be driven by ignorance and fear. I know I've failed that spider over and over again, being a self-obsessed narcissistic human being with petty wants and drives. But I never forget that spider and I always try to be more, when I can, when I'm able.

What I'm trying to say is why don't I have a Green Lantern ring? What the fuck, Guardians? I'm not fucking good enough for this cosmic gig?! I've basically overcome fear! Isn't that the only prerequisite for the job?! Also, my imagination, while possibly on the vulgar side, would lick ass! I mean kick ass! Obviously, I meant kick ass. Please disregard the Freudian typo the way Freud would not have. And also disregard how, in the future, I defeat all of the bad guys with a gigantic green tongue stuck down the backside of their spandex tights.

Does "communion" mean "fucking, sucking, and pegging" in the original Maltusian?

My guess is that by using of the word "communion" here, the narrator means "community union" or, in other words, a years long swinger party. The way the Guardians are obsessing over and flying around the central battery in this panel after being away from their lovers for such a short period of time makes me realize the Power Battery on Oa was shaped like a Zamaron's butthole.

The narrator goes on to say, "They have returned to use new depths of wisdom in recreating the Green Lantern Corps," which is basically an admission that the Guardians of the Universe have been handled terribly for years and nobody really liked their use of power and authority but, you know what, everybody sort of missed the little blue creeps while they were gone. So here they are again! Back to do everything better which probably means the same but minus the baggage which we're being told doesn't matter anymore, in a roundabout kind of way.

This is the way horror stories begin! "Sometimes, dead is better."

Look, Master of the History of Horror Novels, I know Pet Sematary didn't begin with that line! I'm Gen X, dude. I know every Stephen King novel by heart, backwards and forwards. At least up until around Desperation which was kind of a big gathering up of ideas from all his books to that point and leaving them as little Easter eggs throughout the novel to kind of cement them all in one universe. After that, I sort of just picked up the Dark Tower books until that ended.

Fun fact: Stephen King's first four novels all culminate in massive fires and/or nuclear explosions instead of proper endings. Pretty fucking nihilistic, sir. And King knew he was fucking cheating! He makes an obvious reference to his fiery closures by having the main character in 'salem's Lot, who happens to be a writer, toss his novel into a bin and set fire to it. I don't remember how Dead Zone ended unless it was an assassination attempt and a baby used as a shield for bullets but King's sense of humor shows when his sixth book comes out: Firestarter. "Oh, critics have lamented how all of my books end in fire and flames? What if I start one with fire and flames?! Take that, you true monsters!"

The first story, "The Chore," stars Guy Gardner and a bunch of characters who sound exactly like me in my last few blog posts.

I get the feeling DC received some angry fan letters about recent events and Gerard Jones has chosen to acknowledge them here.

Can this panel be read as Jones acknowledging that he fucked up by having Guy do those things because now people fear what he's going to do instead of seeing him as a hero? Maybe. I can't read Jones' mind and, judging by his criminal convictions, I'm glad I fucking can't. But judging by the way Guy nonchalantly drops an anvil on a mugger's head, probably killing him, as he flies about lamenting how he doesn't find the job exciting anymore, I'm guessing Jones has decided he likes Guy better as a supervillain. Some might say "anti-hero" but I ain't some. You kill a guy by dropping an anvil on his head because he's holding a knife and wrestling with another guy in an alley, I'm not going to give you any label with the word "hero" on it. Does Guy know what that was about? Was the guy with the knife defending himself from the pervert in the trench coat? Those are unanswerable questions because Guy just murdered one-half of the people involved.

Guy's flying around feeling bored and without purpose (even though he's got a shining green purpose right on his finger) which makes me suspect he's suffering from low testosterone. But if Guy is suffering from low testosterone, I'd hate to see him packed full to the brim with it. He'd be dropping anvils on everybody from jaywalkers to shoplifters.

To get his groove back, Guy Gardner decides to do that thing he loves to do with Kilowog. No, the thing you're picturing is what I would do to Kilowog. Guy just likes to assault him. Pretty sure Kilowog enjoys it too though.

Guy's got anvils on the brain. Oh, so does Kilowog! And that mugger!

Kilowog and Guy Gardner destroy several walls and floors of Justice League Headquarters while Blue Beetle stands around enjoying the destruction. Blue Beetle understands his limitations and getting in the middle of a fight between two Green Lanterns is so far past Blue Beetle's limitations you'd think he'd quit on the spot. But then he wouldn't be able to look up Fire's towel from the hole in the floor after she gets out of the shower.

This is probably why Blue Beetle doesn't quit.

Kilowog ends the fight early because Guy doesn't seem to be having fun. Instead, Kilowog starts in on the therapy. That's an important part of his job as the trainer of the Corps, right? To make sure they stay psychologically fit as well as physically fit. He learns that Guy's problem stems from being unable to throw G'nort under the bus in front of the Guardians. He's supposed to report how G'nort was a fraud but Guy just can't bring himself to do it. Was dropping an anvil on a mugger's head and killing him just Guy trying to ignore the feelings of his heart? Guy loves G'nort!

Because he's a big floofy good boy!

Guy's erectile dysfunction stems from his desire to do the right thing. He's like one of those people who only get sexually aroused from car crashes or human sacrifices. You know, the mainstream. Guy's junk only works when he's crashing planes, destroying mansions, or setting fire to small Communist countries. That's not great but you know what is great? Not getting aroused by being nice to a dog, I guess.

Guy decides to tell the Guardians that G'nort's a piece of shit and, just like that, his boner is back! He pops Kilowog in the face and Kilowog is all, "That's my Guy!" And then they proceed to destroy the interior of the Justice League Headquarters. This time with Ice watching and probably thinking, "Guy never gets that hard for me."

Kilowog isn't a great therapist because his advice to Guy was to sell G'nort out because if Guy went to bat for G'nort, Guy would be the laughingstock of the Green Lantern Corps and probably kicked out by the Guardians. Maybe the Corps drill sergeant isn't the most compassionate person to seek advice from. But also, it's good, plotwise, for the reader to understand that even Kilowog, who seems like a level-headed poozer, wouldn't risk his reputation for G'nort. G'nort's an albatross. Symbolically! You'll have to figure out what the symbolism is though because I only know it from an Iron Maiden song: "The mariner kills the bird of good omen. His shipmates cry against what he's done. But when the fog clears they justify him. Making themselves a part of the crime!"

Guy picks up G'nort to take him in front of the Guardians and explain how the dog is a total fraud and not fit to patrol any part of space, even Sector 68. But G'nort immediately fucks up Guy's plan by being the loyal and unselfish doggy he is.

This is a better symbol than that albatross! Guy gets his boner back by choosing to fuck over G'nort but then loses his boner when G'nort gives Guy his bone!

Guy rushes off to see a man about his bone. That man is Hal Jordan who is currently starring in the second story of this book, "The Core." It rhymes with "The Chore"! What will John's story be? "The Bore"?

You thought I was going to say "The Whore," didn't you? Well, I don't use that word except when I'm feeling particularly scared during an intense sexual experience and need it to stop.

Hal Jordan is currently teaching his new recruits the safe way to gently asphyxiate oneself.

Hal Jordan has three new recruits he's training: Larvox the larva, Chaselon the crystal, and Brik the brick. Only Brik is actually a new recruit; the other two are re-enlisting. But Larvox, as Kilowog prophesied earlier (less because he's a prognosticator and more because he's the drill sergeant of the Corps and he understands the minds of all the recruits he's trained), causes trouble with his insect way of thinking. Larvox decides to crush all of their Qwardian prisoners to keep the Corps safe. Larvox doesn't see the death of an individual as murder since, as an insect, he regards the whole as the true organism. Murder only happens when the whole is threatened. In other words, genocide is murder to Larvox while murder is just wiping the counter clean.

Hal has a problem with Larvox because he's human and selfish and thinks wrongly of murder the way an individual would think wrongly of being murdered. Brik has a problem with Larvox because Larvox isn't following the orders of the Guardians. Hmm. That way of thinking is more problematic to me than Larvox's nonchalant view of killing! Larvox just thinks the way most humans think: killing individual members of insect colonies is hardly murder because so many more are still being complete pains in the ass. I get that! But Brik is thinking like a fucking Nazi (and by "Nazi" I mean "anybody in the military or a Republican who values loyalty or a Christian who values faith. Of course! Who doesn't?!).

Hal pretends to be killed by the Qwardians who escape their bonds (probably by Hal's design, of course! His training is constant) to teach his recruits the lesson of working together and to come to the realization that killing is wrong on their own terms and, I don't know, to not trust Hal Jordan, maybe? I mean, you pretend to die in my presence one time and I'm not going to come to your aid when you're possibly pretending to die in the future.

Larvox has lovely locks.

Instead of basing each Green Lantern on how wacky they look as an alien, Gerard Jones tries to build their personalities up from their culture and variances of specie. Larvox thinks like a communal member of a hive organism. Brik, coming from an inorganic, mountainous race, views the world through long stretches of eternal timelessness. Now freed from that life, she still views the universe through that lens while experiencing time much the way most other organisms do. And Chaselon, being a crystal, is a fucking nerd.

After Hal's lessons, they head back to Oa. On the way, they run into Guy and G'nort. But the advice Guy is looking for will have to wait until John Stewart can get his tale out of the way and probably join them in the chat. John's story is called, of course, "The Corps." I knew that's what it was going to be! I was just joking previously when I said "The Bore"! No, really, I was! Stop taking what I say at face value! I mean less than 10% of what I actually write!

No, but seriously. It should have been "The Bore." Even the aliens who have to listen to John speak find it interminably boring.

"Ugh! Will he never shut up?!" "How long must we listen to him?!" "I'd rather be shot in the face by the ejaculating penis-headed creature!"

John's solo bit of the story has him doing a task for the Guardians. That task is to stick his ring in the Central Battery and clear it of all crimson electricity beasts. The creature enters John's ring and the Guardians are satisfied that their battery is functional once again. They don't give a shit if John has become possessed. That's probably a story for another time. For now, Hal and Guy arrive on Oa with the new recruits and G'nort. It's time for Guy to give his report to the Guardians, describing how G'nort got his ring and how, maybe, G'nort has earned a real ring for his heroism.

Oh great. They don't even let him join out of pity. It's just a huge joke to them! Poor fucking G'nort. Good thing he's too stupid to understand.

Look at that! All it took for The Guardians to relax a little bit and to get a sense of humor was to get laid. This is why we need non-judgmental sex work in this country! Non-judgmental on both ends: we shouldn't judge the sex workers and we shouldn't judge those who visit sex workers. And we shouldn't act like anybody who can get laid without paying for it is somehow better than somebody paying for it. Just let people get laid however they can! Anyway, that's the only moral I've learned from this issue. The Guardians were sour authoritarian assholes until the Zamaron's let them put their peepees in their sheeshees.

Green Lantern #13 Rating: A. Oh, the conclusion is that G'nort gets to be Guy's reserve and assistant in Sector 2814. Pretty sure he's mostly his reserve because I don't remember G'nort appearing with Guy as often as G'nort would really want to appear with him. Maybe Guy keeps him in a little doggy house out back of Justice League Headquarters. Aside from that, what more do I need to say? I already stated the moral of the story! And I already shit on everybody's political beliefs! And I've already pointed out how this country could use a lot more Wicker Men. Didn't I? Well, I should have said that. I should always be saying that! Maybe I should get the trend started by building one in my backyard. Then I'll call the police on some pretext or another to come out to my place and casually be all, "Oh, I see you admiring my Wicker Man. Would you like to step inside?"