Saturday, March 28, 2015

Superman #39

I guess Harley is officially over skinny pale dudes.

Last issue, Superman revealed his secret identity to Jimmy Olsen. Probably because DC Comics is planning on relaunching Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen. Because what DC Comics needs is a book where Jimmy and Clark wander around newly gentrified neighborhoods shopping for records, mustache wax, and Mr. Bubble t-shirts. Jimmy will begin a blog called People of Metropolis to showcase "real" people. Everybody in Metropolis will begin talking about what a great photographer he is and he'll win whatever stupid award is given away for people that take a picture that generates buzz and controversy. Because that's how life works! You show passion and interest in something and people immediately appreciate you for your passion and congratulate you on being so passionate and inspiring and buckets of money begin dumping all over your head and you become instantly famous and everybody wants to be you and nobody living has ever been as brilliant you at the thing you obviously love so much.

I hate the new imaginary Jimmy Olsen.

Hopefully what really happens is that Superman decides to show off his new power to Jimmy and Jimmy is instantly obliterated. Then Superman sweeps the Jimmy dust under the fridge and learns how to super whistle so he can look super nonchalant and nobody will realize what he's done because he's so super chill.

Superman also lost his powers for 24 hours due to using his FWASH Power (aka Exploding Balls Syndrome). So now he gets to learn what it's like to be human! Maybe that's why he told Jimmy about his identity because he needs a guide for his scary and vulnerable day without super powers.

Superman: "Jimmy, I want to experience everything you experience as a human being! What have I been missing out on due to my invulnerability! Show me your world, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Great! First on the list: the mighty glory hole!"

"Although it does explain why you're so fit and I've never seen you work out a day in your life. Although you were a farm boy and aren't they either super fit or super fat? Since, you know, they're going to grow up to either be farmers or linebackers."

How good a photographer can Jimmy Olsen really be if he's never noticed that Clark is a dead ringer for Superman before this moment? He's garbage at his job. Lois must keep him around because he has other talents a hard working journalist with no time for a social life can put to good use.

Lois Lane: "We'll be at the crash site in three minutes, Jim! Lick like you've never licked before!"

Jimmy and Clark head out for a nice walk in the snowy park and a chat about how Jimmy will now die soon because he knows too much. It's just a thing that happens in comics! If Jimmy does continue to live a full and productive life, Bruce is going to want to study him so he can find out what makes Jim different than all of the women he's told his secret identity to.

I think the big difference is your cadre of crazy, murderous villains, Bats.

Weather alerts on his cell phone take too long and are often mildly inaccurate.

Clark Kent catches a boy falling out of a tree because that's what Superman does even if it means getting a bloody elbow! He's a hero! I think. I mean, I'd know for sure if he just rescued a kitten out of a tree. Does catching a boy falling out of a tree count? If only The Bible had some ambiguously phrased passage about being a hero so that I could be certain!

Back at the Daily Planet, Clark Kent gets a paper cut right in front of everybody! That's brilliant! He should have thought about that before when he had powers. Want to make everybody believe you're definitely not Superman? Fake a paper cut! And cry! Then whine about it for the rest of the day! Lois will never be interested in his penis after that! Or believe he's Superman!

Perry J. Jameson holds a private meeting of like four employees to welcome Clark back to the planet officially. That seems like the kind of thing he should do with the entire staff! He'd tell everybody to listen up and then he'd welcome Clark back warmly and then he'd yell at everybody for being sentimental and tell them to get the fuck back to work. Instead Perry just tells the important people which only accidentally includes Jimmy Olsen since he wandered in with Clark. During the meeting, a Planet staff member runs in and says, "Hostage situation at the corner of Siegel and Shuster!" Clark runs into the office supply room, changes into his costume, jumps out of a window, and dies.

I mean, he rushes out to help but Lois thinks he's just running out to get the story first. She can't have that! If the Daily Planet is going to get the scoop, it's going to be gotten by Lois Fucking Lane!

You know what? I'm glad Lois and Clark aren't together! He deserves so much better! He's altruistic and she's selfishly exploiting people in dangerous situations to further her career! I suppose it's tough writing Lois Lane and maintaining that balance between a woman trying to improve the world through her hard-nosed uncovering of the truth and a woman trying to win every award in the world to prove she's the best that ever was. Maybe the two go hand in hand. Or tongue in butthole. Jimmy!

Well, he may have lost his powers but at least his cape is still bulletproof. I'd have it wrapped around me like a swaddled infant.

Superman risks getting his ass shot to save the hostage because, let's face it, he just got a paper cut earlier. How much worse can a bullet in the chest feel? Wouldn't it be great if Superman had kidney stones but he didn't notice until his twenty-four hours as a normal person! He'd be all, "How do you do you peons deal with this kind of pain?! You win, Lex Luthor! Kill me now!"

Surprise twist: the gunman doesn't shoot and he gives up easily and he goes to jail for many, many years on kidnapping charges.

I get why Superman does the whole calm thing and talking the guy down thing and avoiding a physical confrontation thing because it's too dangerous to punch a guy in the face right now. This is Superman at his best. The problem I have is that this is how Superman should be acting even when he has super powers! He should be boldly striding into situations like this and telling everybody that it's all over because he's arrived. And they can either give up now or give up later with bruised internal organs. But even if they do attack him, he can just calmly walk up to them, grab them by the scruff of the neck, melt their weapons with his heat vision, and carry them into a police van. Am I the only one that wants that Superman? Do Superman comic books only sell well when he's punching the shit out of creatures that are inexplicably more powerful than he is? Bah! This is my Superman right here! I'm just disappointed that it takes consideration for his own safety to keep him from instantly escalating a situation to physical violence. Bring on Val-zod!

After the crisis is over, Superman and Jimmy Olsen eat dinner on top of the Daily Planet. Jimmy asks Superman how it felt to be human for the day. And Superman says, "To be honest, Jim...not as different as I thought it would." That's because you missed out on the glory holes!

By the way, never trust somebody who feels they need to begin any statement with "to be honest."

The issue ends with Clark Kent receiving a blank Superman notebook in the mail from the mysterious Mister Oz. And then Mister Oz is all, "The future is a blank notebook! Get it?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Or something.

Superman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was a good issue. It's nice to see Superman acting the way Superman should be acting. He really deserves to be in more stories where he handles situations like this. The main complaint about Superman by most comic book fans is that he's too powerful and that nothing can challenge him. Which is exactly right and exactly why every story that brings in some alien creature that is somehow more powerful than the last alien creature Superman fought who was more powerful than the last creature Superman fought who was more powerful than Superman is a snoozy snoozefest. To really be interesting, Superman needs to be challenged in other ways. Challenge his ethics. Challenge his sense of propriety! Challenge his ability to write a story better than Lois Lane! Let him experience a glory hole!

No comments:

Post a Comment