Why is Mick the Zombie taking time out to kill a baseball game?
This comic book should be called Star Spangled "War" Stories because war hasn't been a part of any of the stories so far. None of them have been star spangled either so maybe that should be in quotes too. They have been stories though if you consider boring characters doing boring things in service to a boring plot a story. I call my commentaries "literature," so I guess I'm all for saying this comic book contains "stories."
This issue begins with Gravedigger bragging about his nickname. What's there to brag about? So he dug some graves! Wow, look at the big man that knows how to use a shovel! Look at him measure out six feet and square the edges! Oooh! Impressive! It's certainly not scary like he seems to want it to be. I guess he's implying that he's killed a lot of people although it just sounds like he's the guy left with the shitty job of cleanup after other people killed a lot of people.
Gravedigger is bragging to the incorrectly nicknamed hillbilly terrorist. He's trying to get the guy to tell him terrorist secrets but he's all, "Fuck you!" and "Eat shit!" But Gravedigger is all, "Did I show you my hammer? Look! I have a hammer! It helps me to...dig graves!"
Gravedigger gets the information he needs by making a grave for the hillbilly's finger. Then some guy who pinches his eyes out is all, "Let's clean up here! Time is money! Chop chop!" And that's the end of the cold opening before we get to the opening credits.
Two the hard way? For a result of two in craps, there's only the hard way! I bet it's some personal joke between Jimmy and Justin. Or a pop culture joke that's lost on me.
GI Zombie heads back into the Spa to try to disarm the nuclear bomb which probably doesn't have a brain so how is he going to defeat it? He has thirteen minutes to find it and then to disarm it. Or maybe he just plans to jump on it like it was a grenade and absorb the blast himself. Or, judging by the cover, he's just going to ditch this soon to be a radioactive hole and go catch a ballgame.
GI Zombie chooses the "ditch the fuck out of this place" option when he learns disarming the bomb is a fruitless task. That means it would not bear fruit. He hops in a car and drives as fast as he can away from the blast. Let's say by the time he found a car, he had five minutes to drive. Let's say he found a perfectly straight road headed directly away from the Spa. Let's say he drove at least 100 miles per hour for the full five minutes. Now I do the math and it looks like he'd be about eight thousand, three hundred miles away by the time the bomb went off. He should be fine!
Hmm. Maybe I misplaced a decimal.
Tiffany winds up in some place outside of San Francisco called Bolinas. It's another Hillbilly Survivalist compound. But this time, she's tired of playing along. Things are getting dangerous and she's got to find a way out before she's turned into a tunafish sandwich. It's what they do to their enemies! Didn't you read last month's issue? Or the commentary on my issue? I might have made up the tuna thing.
I miss my VW Bus. I should have painted it pink.