Friday, March 6, 2015

Star Spangled War Stories #7

Why is Mick the Zombie taking time out to kill a baseball game?

I couldn't remember the main character's name so I named him Mick. I also know you can't technically "kill a baseball game" but then I like to sentence my own way.

This comic book should be called Star Spangled "War" Stories because war hasn't been a part of any of the stories so far. None of them have been star spangled either so maybe that should be in quotes too. They have been stories though if you consider boring characters doing boring things in service to a boring plot a story. I call my commentaries "literature," so I guess I'm all for saying this comic book contains "stories."

This issue begins with Gravedigger bragging about his nickname. What's there to brag about? So he dug some graves! Wow, look at the big man that knows how to use a shovel! Look at him measure out six feet and square the edges! Oooh! Impressive! It's certainly not scary like he seems to want it to be. I guess he's implying that he's killed a lot of people although it just sounds like he's the guy left with the shitty job of cleanup after other people killed a lot of people.

Gravedigger is bragging to the incorrectly nicknamed hillbilly terrorist. He's trying to get the guy to tell him terrorist secrets but he's all, "Fuck you!" and "Eat shit!" But Gravedigger is all, "Did I show you my hammer? Look! I have a hammer! It helps me to...dig graves!"

Gravedigger gets the information he needs by making a grave for the hillbilly's finger. Then some guy who pinches his eyes out is all, "Let's clean up here! Time is money! Chop chop!" And that's the end of the cold opening before we get to the opening credits.

Two the hard way? For a result of two in craps, there's only the hard way! I bet it's some personal joke between Jimmy and Justin. Or a pop culture joke that's lost on me.

GI Zombie eavesdrops on Tiffany and the other lady to find out where they're headed to escape the nuclear self destruct sequence that's been initiated. He learns they'll be headed to San Francisco or Ecuador and hopes it's San Francisco because it's a much smaller place to search. Although once they land in San Francisco, they might be headed up to the Bohemian Grove or maybe over the mountains to Santa Cruz or perhaps across the bay to Oakland. So maybe they'd actually be easier to find in Ecuador.

GI Zombie heads back into the Spa to try to disarm the nuclear bomb which probably doesn't have a brain so how is he going to defeat it? He has thirteen minutes to find it and then to disarm it. Or maybe he just plans to jump on it like it was a grenade and absorb the blast himself. Or, judging by the cover, he's just going to ditch this soon to be a radioactive hole and go catch a ballgame.

GI Zombie chooses the "ditch the fuck out of this place" option when he learns disarming the bomb is a fruitless task. That means it would not bear fruit. He hops in a car and drives as fast as he can away from the blast. Let's say by the time he found a car, he had five minutes to drive. Let's say he found a perfectly straight road headed directly away from the Spa. Let's say he drove at least 100 miles per hour for the full five minutes. Now I do the math and it looks like he'd be about eight thousand, three hundred miles away by the time the bomb went off. He should be fine!

Hmm. Maybe I misplaced a decimal.

GI Zombie is just fine! A little nauseated from the tumble and the radiation and probably the Black Ice Zombie Creation Juice that was left to blow up with the Hillbilly Spa Headquarters. He's picked up by a couple of government agents and hauled back to Gravedigger. I haven't seen a single sign of a baseball game. Maybe he'll dream it? Or perhaps it was just this month's Zombie Baseball Variant Cover.

Tiffany winds up in some place outside of San Francisco called Bolinas. It's another Hillbilly Survivalist compound. But this time, she's tired of playing along. Things are getting dangerous and she's got to find a way out before she's turned into a tunafish sandwich. It's what they do to their enemies! Didn't you read last month's issue? Or the commentary on my issue? I might have made up the tuna thing.

I miss my VW Bus. I should have painted it pink.

Star Spangled War Stories #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. You're upset that this had nothing to do with zombies playing baseball. You wouldn't have minded if Gray and Palmiotti had just dropped the Hillbilly Terrorist story and started a whole new story about zombie baseball for the final two issues. You find this whole homebrew terrorist story naggingly familiar and then you realize it's nearly the same story Gray and Palmiotti told using the Unknown Soldier in GI Combat. The story telling is competent but nothing about it is hooking you. You've found no moments that remind you of why you enjoyed comics in the first place. Upon reading the comic, you notice no change in your daily trudging through the mundanity of your life. You are not transported to another place. You are not filled with wonder nor excitement nor intrigue. You just find yourself turning page after page, unfazed by every head being blown apart. You care about none of the characters but you figure you've stuck with the book this far, so you might as well give the final issue a chance. See you next month, you five people still reading this!

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