Batman Eternal #50

And the evil jerk behind it all was an old man wearing a Jason Bard mask!

Being that this is issue #50, I'm hoping something important is revealed. Like maybe who is behind all of the recent invitations to trash Gotham City? I'm still hoping it's Crime Syndicate Superwoman's baby.

Last issue, Batman flew a jet plane into Bane's chest. But don't worry. Batman doesn't kill. He knew that flying thousands of pounds of metal full of fuel at a high speed directly into Bane's chest wouldn't even knock Bane out. Although did he know that no citizens would be standing nearby who might be hit by shrapnel? What about the fires started from the fuel exploding? How the fuck does Batman take into account all of this shit so that he can strut around declaring that he's never killed anybody?! Bane must have a concussion, at the very least. And that could lead to death! Fucking Batman is an asshole. Maybe that time Nocenti wrote him kicking Catwoman off of her motorcycle where she landed face first into the freeway going sixty miles per hour was a spot on characterization of Batman! I was completely wrong to criticize her.

After kicking Bane in the face for good measure because you can't have too many concussions at once, he informs Pennies-One and Two that he's going to end this bullshit. Does that mean he's finally figured out who's behind it all? It's Catwoman, right? She's just trying to get Bruce tired and confused so he'll finally fuck her out of the Batman suit.

But first Batman needs to get more of his frustrations out.

I'm sure The Scarecrow can survive being thrown off the top of a cathedral.

While Batman gives the Scarecrow the proverbial dose, Firebug or whatever flies around setting buildings on fire. And Rat-Catcher is sending rats all over the city. And Signalman is still fucking with the signals. It seems the Secret Society of Super-Villains have turned their sights on Batman for some reason. There must be secret ancient pirate treasure buried somewhere under the city.

Next on his list of Batkids to help is Bluebird. After crashing a jet into Bane and filling Crane full of heart attack inducing fear toxins, he electrocutes Mr. Freeze with some fallen power lines. Jesus Christ, Batman. What are you going to do to the Joker's Daughter when you help out Batgirl? Crack her skull open with a crowbar?

But first he has to save Red Robin's ass by freezing Clayface solid. That might be the least brutal thing he's done all night and it's still deadly! Although Clayface is a kind of impossible magical golem thing so freezing solid is probably no big deal.

Does Batman trust Batgirl the most or did he realize, like everybody except Amanda Waller, that Joker's Daughter is just a confused kid with no fucking fighting skills at all?

Alfred passes along an invite to Batman to strip naked and sit on the Batsignal to watch the city burn with the culprit behind this entire mess. Batman is flummoxed but apparently all the readers have guessed the twist because they're greater detectives than the World's Greatest Detective! If only I'd finished my Trixie Belden Home Detective Course, I might know who the vile jerk behind it all is as well! Maybe it's Sportsmaster? Or a Sportsmaster that loves to give out clues? Like some sort of a clues master?

I hope it's Superwoman's baby.

Batman reaches the Batsignal and falls into a trap where he's electrocuted. That's when the Evil Mister Smarty Pants reveals himself!

Suprise! It's the guy who drives the zamboni at the Gotham Blades Hockey Arena.

Batman Eternal #50 Rating: -2 Ranking. Somebody go back through all fifty issues of Batman Eternal using the knowledge you've gained from your Trixie Belden Home Detective Course and see if all the clues always led to Cluemaster! I don't buy it. This smacks of a cheat! It feels like the only clues given that Cluemaster was behind it all were all given in the helicopter last issue with Spoiler. Is that why Spoiler told Harper that Bruce Wayne was behind it all? Because she wasn't quite sure that she wanted to out her father yet? Is that why Spoiler used "literally" when she mentioned she wanted nothing to do with him?! That was the biggest clue of them all, I think!

I think sometime around Issue #34, Scott and James were eating cold Pop Tarts while watching porn together when one of them came and the other one said, "What if the person behind it all was the first person the comic book focused on?" Then one of them choked on a Pop Tart and said "Brilliant!" as the other one came. Or it could have all been planned from the beginning. It was always likely to be a shitty fucking villain that nobody would bother to guess because guessing that character would just be too boring. Now I wish it had been Sportsmaster!