Monday, March 30, 2015

Futures End #47

In honor of the two or three intelligent readers of this blog (y'all can fight over which of you are which), this will be a serious review.

To truly understand Futures End, one must start at the beginning. Not the beginning of the series because it's been forty-six issues and I'm not going to recap them all here! I mean at the beginning of the cover. Let's begin with the name: Futures End. What does it mean? I think DC Comics forgot to add the apostrophe but since they never corrected that, we'll assume they meant the plural of future and that all of them will eventually resolve. If the name were to mean that just a few futures were going to end due to the events in this comic book, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense because there would still be an infinite amount of futures that haven't ended. One must assume that all but one future will end due to the events of this comic book. But what future will still remain after all is said and done? The Justice League 3000 future? The Legion of Super-Heroes future? The Brother Eye future? The Kamandi future (which might actually just be part of the Justice League 3000 future since Tora once had a lunch date with the boy)? Even if we agree that the Brother Eye future must end or this story wasn't worth retelling, DC Comics still has two futures which cannot be decided upon. Which means my theory is wrong. Fuck. Let's backtrack!

What if we decide that the "futures" in the title are the futures of every single character in this series which takes place in the DC Universe's future. That means that these characters' future live will end once Terry McBatman goes back in time five years, makes a house call to Bruce Wayne, and says, "Dude. I've got a message from your future self. He says, 'That Brother Eye project? Bad idea. Kill it. And if you don't believe this message is from you, let me tell you something you've never told anybody: you fucked Talia al Ghul in the ass that night she tried to drug you even though you're immune to all drugs (especially Rohypnol. Thanks Alfred!) and so you suspected she was up to something which means she harvested your semen out of her ass to create Damian which probably explains quite a few things about that kid.' Eww. Gross! Is that true?" Then Bruce will invite Terry McBatman in for some extra strong Rohypnol Tea before sending him out on his own to start his own comic book series.

So those are the futures that end! All the ones that appear in this book! I bet even the Twofers coming over from the disaster in Worlds End will be treated better than they were in the past of this comic book. Anyway, this is as serious as I get! Damian being a butt baby is a legitimate fucking theory!

And since none of the stories will, in the end, actually matter, the only real purpose of this series is to get Terry McGinnis set up in the DC Universe. But not just Terry! All of them! All of the characters that have starred in failed comic book series. Firestorm has a new look and a fresh attitude and is named after the best High Voiced Boy of them all: Madison! Amethyst has a quest to restore Gemworld. Grifter has a new family ready to protect Earth from robots in disguise. Stormwatch and SHADE are now being run by Ray Palmer. Voodoo and her pals Banger, Mash, and Mercy are ready to take on covert missions for Sgt. Frank Rock (who is going to have an insect baby soon). Blue Beetle will...oh wait. Jaime hasn't actually been in any issue except the zero issue. Oh well, I'm sure he'll figure something out. Anyway, all these characters are geared for another stab at a monthly title. And so what if these future reimaginings don't mesh very well with the current New 52 books because isn't DC going to just kind of shrug their shoulders over hard line continuity come June? At least I hope that will be the case!

So this book begins with Brother Eye informing the world that he's taken over everything.

Are all these people just going to take this?

As soon as this happens, everybody would just get their phones reset to factory settings. But then they'll be reinfected with Brother Eye once they go to charge them or connect to their G3 network. But people aren't just going to sit back and let a fucking computer run their lives. So they have to clean out all the systems. First shut them down. If you can't turn off the nuclear reactors, just cut the power lines leading away from them. Can't stop the hyrdro-electric generators at the dams? Reroute the fucking rivers. It might wind up costing a lot of money, especially since everybody is going to have to throw out any piece of electronic that has been connected to a network and all the servers are going to have to be replaced and nobody is going to get online or have electricity until all this shit is replaced, but people will definitely do it rather than being ruled by a shitty wannabe C3PO. There will be setbacks! Some jerk will plug in an old laptop and begin to reinfect everything. But eventually protocols will be put in place to stop Brother Eye from moving from hardware to hardware. And laws will be written to put to death anybody that reinfects the internet. Look, you got to be harsh! Like stealing horses in the Old West! You've got to make the punishment so far out of whack with the crime that nobody even attempts it.

Or everybody just loses technology and we go back to a non-networked world. Surely we can all give up a continuous feed of LOLcats so that we can retain our free will and freedom, right? And not everybody needs to read the Tweet about the joke you just made to your buddies at Applebee's, do they? And I think all of your relatives can do without pictures of your name spelled incorrectly on your Stabuck's cup. Can't they?!

Shit. Maybe that's why Brother Eye was so successful.

So Batman, Mister Terrific, and Ray Palmer are trying to shut down Brother Eye at Terrifitech and having no luck. Also they're not doing so great against the hordes of zombie robots shuffling toward them. But that's when Harvest Tim Drake saves the day!

Should they really be using first names? Just on principle. You never know when Lois Lane will be skulking about.

Tim is all, "Is the time band ready for me so I can accidentally wind up 1000 years in the future?" And Bruce is all, "You are not going to use it! I am the most competent person ever!" And Plastique is all, "Wait. Didn't somebody mention dick a few issues ago?" And everybody is all, "There's no time!" And Ray Palmer is all, "And don't call me Shirley!"

A.L.F.R.E.D. puts Bruce in his place just like the real Alfred! He's all, "Sorry, Master Bruce. Your muscle mass is far too muscular for you to use the time belt. It must be scrawny old Tim Drake who uses it and saves the world." And then Mister Terrific tells them they will be powering the time travel belt with Firestorm. Which is when Tim finally figures out that Madison is still alive.

Gross. That latex face mask still has Plastique spit all over it.

Tim says his goodbyes to Madison (or at least this Madison) and tells the others he's ready to go back in time. Or, you know, forward 1000 years! Firestorm pumps the belt full of juice and Tim Drake, as Batman Beyond, travels back to the DC Universe's present. He appears aboard the Brother Eye satellite. Is he going to succeed in his mission and end this comic book?! I mean, it probably still has a few more issues. But it probably needs a few for a denouement, right?

Oh? So where will Earth-2's refugees wind up?! I guess they'll have to wind up on one of the Mystery Earths.

Brother Eye doesn't want to blow up so he tries to stop Tim. But Tim has seen Wargames (a movie I can't stop bringing up lately. Does DC have that many books right now about computers trying to take control?) and knows exactly how to stop Brother Eye from destroying everything! He teaches Brother Eye how to play Tic Tac Toe and Brother Eye decides it's better to kill oneself than to play shitty fucking games that nobody can ever win. It sets its self-destruct system for fifteen seconds (which I think is the lowest setting. Got to abide by OSHA standards on the safety of self-destruct systems, you know!).

I guess Brother Eye realized he wouldn't be able to resist sending the beacon to the Earth-2 refugees and thus plummeting Earth-Main-Earth into another war with Apokolips, so he kills himself instead. Isn't that a little dramatic, Bro (I'm not just being a douche! That's short for Brother Eye!)? Actually he blows himself up just in case Mister Father somehow detects his presence. Also Brother Eye just felt dirty having been written by Dan Didio during the OMAC months.

Brother Eye's last act is to send Tim Drake back to whatever future replaces the one from which he came. Probably one where Madison is all, "Eww! Do I know you? Perv!"

Or a future that makes him exclaim, "No way!" Probably because it's full of vampires. Or Titans Towers.

Futures End #47 Rating: +1 Ranking. Next time: We're headed for Venus! Venus! But still we stand tall! And maybe they've seen us! Seen us! And welcome us all?! I know there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! I know that we'll all miss her so! It's the final issue! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! DUHNUHNUHNUHNUH! *sparkly Joey eyes* Carrie! Ninja survive! Cherokee! Carrie! In times of war! Marching on the trail of tears! The final issue! *FIREWORKS AND EXPLOSIONS*

1 comment:

  1. Damien as an ass baby huh? I guess that explains his shitty attitude when first appeared then huh?;)