If that were my armrest, I'd never not have an erection.
The best MUDs are the ones where, upon encountering a monster, you have the options to fight, flee, or fuck it.
Stop distracting me with your butts, people! I'm going to read about Batman's butt now as it battles the Joker's butt.
Last issue, Batman headed underground to visit the Court of Owls. I had just assumed that they had disbanded and moved on to open strip mall tattoo parlors, pawn shops, and highway minigolf resorts. I guess a few of them decided to hang around their labyrinth and wait for Batman to die so they could once more reap the benefits of controlling Gotham.
We could learn a lot from the Court of Owls with their sense of history and place and their can-do attitude in the face of adversity. Or maybe just I can. I shouldn't assume you're all also ignorant, self-involved narcissists.
I think Batman knew deep down that the Court of Owls would not only refuse to help him but also sick their new Talon on him. This Talon is Death Talon the Reaper. It's possible Batman only came down here to get out some of his aggression on something he knows he can't kill so he can do whatever violence he wants to it. It's also possible he simply came down to get a sample of the Talon's blood to help figure out what The Joker has in his blood. The Court of Owls confirmed using a version of the Dionesium on the electrum inside the teeth of the Talons. Batman probably already detectived that and just came down for confirmation before wasting his time hacking up a Talon. Now that he knows it's true, he'll probably rip out the pancreas of this talon and take it back to the Batcomputer for testing.
Or he just came down for a different kind of confirmation.
Well that went worse than I imagined it could have.
Snyder wouldn't kill Alfred, would he? I mean, that's just fucked up. Sure, Penny-Two is efficient enough to handle the dispatch side of things but does she know how to make a good cup of tea?!
Hmm, I suppose she does since she's British. Never mind! Everything will continue as normal even with Alfred dead! Nobody will miss him since he's so easily replaced by his daughter.
I wonder if Damian will try to take Alfred to Apokolips to bring him back to life? I hope The Joker doesn't kill Batcow too!
Alfred manages to crawl into the armory and Penny-Two remotely locks him in so he doesn't get his ass killed by his innate stubbornness. Or by The Joker. Mostly The Joker. So Batman learns Alfred is stable because he probably had some proper coagulation tea on hand. They can't figure out why The Joker broke into The Batcave but I think Batman owes all the Batkids another huge apology for putting all of their lives in danger by revealing his identity to The Joker so long ago.
Anyway, The Joker decides it's time to throw a parade!
He must have dressed up some henchman in Jason Todd's Robin outfit as well, right?
He's not hallucinating. He's just gone fucking nuts. Nutsier! Most nutsiest!
Of course The Joker is happy to see everybody join the battle because that was probably his super duper farsighted super villain plan that super villains are constantly capable of pulling off in the face of the universe's random chaos. That's okay though! The Joker is allowed to be this cunning and devious because he has motivation whereas some asshole like Harvest just makes perfect plans because he's written by a lazy writer.
The backup Joker story ends this issue so that the conclusion of Endgame can fill the entire book next month. The conclusion of the backup story is that The Joker's past doesn't matter and nobody will ever know where he definitely came from. Unless we already do know. But then how do we know which version we've heard is true? In which case, as I said, it doesn't matter. The Joker is a monster because he represents the unknown and the randomness of the universe. He represents our own inability to ultimately control our own destinies. He is the bus we didn't see while speaking on our cell phones. He is the innocent bystander killed by a bullet from a shoot out five blocks away. He is the bump in the carpet at the top of the stairs, the tired driver on a two lane highway, the blood clot clinging precariously from the side of an artery. He is the reminder that death will come and none of us will ever truly be ready when it does.
Batman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. Alfred has really taken a beating in The New 52. I might have to judge Scott Snyder harshly for the way he treats one of DC's best characters. What's next, Scott? Hacking him up and shoving him in the fridge? Dick. Other than that, I'm enjoying this story. The only issue I have is that The Joker has really become a mythic villain that can do pretty much anything he wants. He was always dangerous in his violence and madness but now he's nearly a supernatural entity! Batman needs to seriously think about building a Joker-sized oubliette in the Batcave and just throwing him in it to rot. The Dionesium makes him immortal now, right? So just build it deep and then park the Batmobile over it. He can be just another trophy for Bruce.