Action Comics #40

Party time! Excellent!

My favorite Bill and Ted adventure was when they had to go back in time to kill themselves so that they wouldn't go back in time to kill themselves. Such a mess!

This issue begins with Superman Narration Boxing about how he's flying "straight past continuity." Fuck you, Greg Pak! You're not as clever as Gail Simone thinks you are! You're ruining my love of comics by having Superman acknowledge continuity the way nobody does ever. Sometimes I walk down the street and I think, "I'd love to have a doughnut right now but a fat me would really fuck up continuity." Then I look down at my stomach and think, "Oh shit. We need another Flashpoint!" And then I have another think and rethink, "Well, I guess that doughnut won't hurt as much as I thought it would!" And then I eat five doughnuts and cry in an alley behind the doughnut shop. All because of Greg Pak!

What is the reason Superman has to think about continuity and physics and how impossible everything that he's just now experiencing is (without thinking about how impossible everything he just recently experienced was when he fought sentient anal warts spilling out of a newly goat.se'd Phantom Zone)?

He's just discovered Bizarro World.

I hate this. I hate that DC Comics feels they need to apologize for whimsical impossibilities. Oh, you can have the most impossible things happening on a constant basis as long as they're grim or terrifying or horrific. But you have to apologize beforehand for introducing Bizarro World back into the DC Universe? Idiocy! I'm a grown man reading a comic book, people! I don't need a man powered by the sun from an alien planet to explain to me what is and isn't impossible! You know what's worse than having a square planet with a moon made from cheese? Having Superman acknowledge "continuity"!

By page three, I've already lost any outrage against DC Comics and Greg Pak because I've found myself in my favorite place in the DC Universe. Oh Bizarro World, how I have missed thee! Or thou!

Superman is probably thinking, "Oh, hey! Thanks!" But ten pages in, this conversation will come back to him and he'll be all, "Wait a minute...!"

By page five, Superman understands that he's in an opposite world and that everything that comes out of Bizarro's mouth means exactly the opposite of what it sounds like he's saying. But Superman has yet to wrap his mind around how antagonizing he's being by saying things like "I'm not your enemy!" or "I'm not here to fight you!" Opposite world, Clark! Opposite world! You need to say things like "I hate you not a lot!" and "You am my worst enemy!" and "Me want stick my vagina in your mouth!" just to, you know, show him you're not gay or anything. Just in case! And for God's sake don't say, "I didn't sleep with Lois Lane #1!" See, that means you did! Which could cause trouble!

Oh! I just, all by myself, discovered an Easter Egg in Google Hangouts! If you type "Woo hoo!", you send an animation to the loser friend with whom you're currently speaking! I wish the animation were of a monkey saying "Monkeys like buttsecks!" but it's not. I wish I could insert an animation of me making a sad face here but I don't want to fuck with a .gif maker at the moment.

Metallo shows up to speak normal which means this must be Metallo from Earth-Main-Earth. I guess that's why Superman is here? To rescue Metallo! But Metallo seems to be having a good time trying to keep order on Bizarro World. I say let him stay. If he can figure out what the fuck is going on, or even if he just doesn't care, more power to him. At least he knows he can punch anybody he wants and they'll like it. Or do they hate it? Do they love violence and hate fucking? Or do they hate fucking and love violence, in their parlance? Do you even know what I'm talking about?! Do I?

How many reviewers reviewed this comic book completely in a Bizarro voice because they don't have the capability of recognizing an unoriginal and boring idea?

How ridiculous!

Superman mentions how he's still trying to figure out the rules to the opposite speak because he's apparently dumber than a kindergartner. Unless by saying he doesn't understand the rules, he actually means he does understand the rules? I wonder if satire exists on Bizarro World? Or sarcasm? "Can me be less opposite?"

Bizarro rescues his friends so they can begin destroying the city and having a good time. Bizarro Wonder Woman seems to be made entirely out of clay and Bizarro Flash is super slow. Bizarro Green Lantern is yellow and enjoys punching himself. I guess that's the opposite of how Hal loves to punch other people? And Bizarro Batman probably loves killing and is completely sane. Bizarro Aquaman wears a goldfish bowl on his head because regular Aquaman doesn't?

Oh, this is Bizarro Metallo! I guess Bizarro World computers somehow don't think like Bizarro Worlders. Even though they're programmed by them. That makes less sense than a moon made of cheese! Or the Speed Force!

Superman realizes that the Bizarros enjoy their fucked up planet so he decides to let them be. That's such an enlightened attitude, Supes! I'm fucking surprised it came out of your face! While Metallo pouts because he has a computer brain which means he now loves order even if his computer brain is composed of a Bizarro World computer which would mean...oh, forget it! He's just going to have to be sad living in a world of complete chaos.

And then Doomsday arrives! Oh boy! The people of Bizarro World will love Doomsday! He's going to bring a whole new level of destruction to their square planet. He might even become president of the Separated States of America!

Superman finally, sort of, understands how to say the opposite of what he actually means. He introduces Doomsday to Bizarro as the nicest guy in the universe who will bring joy and harmony to the world of Bizarro. So Bizarro, naturally, must kill him. Which he does!

I'd prefer Bizday.

Doomzarro lands on Bizarro World and instantly creates lots of bunnies and kittens and guinea pigs and flowers and cutesy hearts and sparkling rainbows. It's the worst plague to ever hit Bizarro World. A plague of cuteness. In the chaos, Superman gets his beard ripped off because it's not cute. It really wasn't. Superman, being dumb as a stump, warns Bizarro in non-opposite language that he's destroying everything he cares about. Which means he's fixing everything he hates? Oh, I guess that will get the message across as well! Sorry to equate your intelligence with the remains of a slaughtered tree.

Doomzarro sacrifices himself to save his home planet. But then he reappears because sacrificing yourself on Bizarro World means that you didn't sacrifice yourself. Or something. Fuck, I'm confused.

Action Comics #40 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue gets a +1 Ranking for the goldfish bowl on Aquaman's head. And it gets a +1 Ranking for being the best, and most logical, explanation as to how Superman shaves. I'm surprised he stays as clean shaven as he does if this is the process for shaving every morning. Now I really feel lazy about never wanting to shave! Although it would be more fun to go to Bizarro World every time I wanted to shave! "Me am not interested in your penis, Lois Lane #1! Not at all! Me am not happy to see you and me have gun in me pants!"