Saturday, March 21, 2015

Worlds' Finest #32

Superman couldn't save the woman that poses for all the pictures on hair salon windows.

This issue begins with Lois Lane sullying her reputation as the greatest journalist to ever live by admitting that she used to make shit up and report it as if it were true.

Any journalist who believes this is true can go fuck themselves.

Now I don't mind if a journalist speculates in an article as long as they announce when they're speculating. But to report on their speculation as if it is the truth is unethical and harmful. And the fact that Lois is justifying it just makes me hate her more. I bet Lois never wanted people to know that she would make up parts of the stories she reported on but now that she has a robot brain, she can't help but tell the truth. I'm so disappointed in Lois Lane right now. Luckily it's just New 52 Earth-2 Lois Lane! I bet on Earth-2, Vicki Vale wins all the Pulitzers.

Lois Lane brings Wonder Woman into the story and instead of mentioning Diana's history or her abilities or how she'd like future generations to remember her, she just explains how Superman felt about her. "Oh, she was hot and shit but so old! And I couldn't have sex with her! She was barely even human! I mean, sure, I'm less human than she is. But I feel more human than I believe she is! So that's a thing, right?"

Batman and Wonder Woman are busy forging a sword out of kryptonite. Is that possible? I always thought kryptonite was just rock not some kind of metallic ore. Wasn't kryptonite just unsold Pet Rocks painted green?

Batman believes the gods of Apokolips must be Kryptonians since they're the only aliens to have ever visited Earth. Since he's obviously wrong, he must lose the sword in the coming battle. I hope it pops up in Lex Luthor's possession over on Earth-New-Earth in the future.

Appearing on the local news is not your fifteen minutes of fame. Nor is it your fourteen minutes of fame! Or thirteen, even! It's possibly negative fame! Seriously! Stop encouraging local news reporters! If you get excited about being on their stupid news program, just imagine how fucking important they must think they are! They're fucking loser nobodies who talk over internet cat videos while saying, "Look at that!" and "Watch this part!" and "Did you see that?" We know how to look at things with our eyes, assholes.

This jerk stabs Lois in the chest with a letter opener and I feel a little bit guilty. I know she's a lousy television news reporter but I didn't mean for you to kill her, weirdo!

While Lois bleeds out, Batman and Wonder Woman battle Intri of Apokolips in the Batcave and Superman races back to Metropolis to look failure square in the eye.

I guess the kryptonite sword worked. It's a wonder metal! Er, rock? Substance!

Superman makes it to Lois's side in time for her last living, non-robotic memory to be him holding her. Intri's last memory is exploding in the Batcave thinking that at least she's dying in beautiful heels.

Then there's an epilogue that mentions Neil Gaiman's Death and some other less important stuff. And then it's over forever.

Worlds' Finest #32 Rating: No change. DC Comics really fucked up by taking this series away from Power Girl and The Huntress. At least then, it was about something and it was entertaining and it showcased a great friendship. The series since then has just been another Earth-2/World's End footnote. It was completely unnecessary. And Power Girl and The Huntress were just thrown into the thick of World's End and Earth-2 where they just became minor characters in a story that had no tension. The ending was already predetermined and the book had enough characters already. What a fiasco. I have yet to drop any of DC Comics regular titles but I probably should have dropped this one as soon as the dropped Power Girl and The Huntress from the cover.

No comments:

Post a Comment