Twat Lobo #6

Real Deal Lobo killed his own people because he took being a unique snowflake to the extreme. I'm sure Twat Lobo will have done it for somewhat heroic reasons because he's not only a twat but a total douche as well.

Twat Lobo is currently hunting the last target on his contract. This one is a bit more personal since she's a Xrexian called The Pariah and those things mean something if you're a Czarnian and The Lobo. Those things also mean something but I'm trying to not be a total comic book nerd today so it all sounds like gibberish to me. What's a "Czarnian"?! And a "The Lobo"? That sounds like he must be some kind of wolf or something? And he wears clown make-up? And he probably thoroughly enjoys devouring entrails or something? And should I look up "Pariah" in a dictionary? I think it means something like one who appears on a planet just before that planet is wiped from existence?

Cullen Bunn's new character is apparently wearing me down because I wasn't thinking of the title character as Twat Lobo the entire time I was scanning the cover. It wasn't until I went back to read my commentary on Twat Lobo #5 that I remembered that he's a total twat! Maybe I have Alzheimer's? Or maybe my anger management classes are beginning to work!

As Twat Lobo hunts for The Pariah, he fits in a flashback to his life on Czarnia. It's a bit like a Wes Anderson movie crossed with a Quentin Tarantino script. Unless it's not. I really have no idea what that means. I just wanted to type something that sounded cool with easily digestible pop cultural references. My editor is always telling me to make my writing more accessible. I figure if I throw in references that people can connect with but in ways that don't really mean anything, I can reach a broader audience. They'll read my description of the flashback and think (think is in air-quotes, by the way), "Nice Wes Anderson reference!" They'll project their ideas of what a cross between Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino would be thus doing all the work for me! And they'll remember it as something I noticed and pointed out! Meanwhile, I can't even name one Wes Anderson movie! Didn't he do something called The Unbearable Lightness of New Jersey? Or The Life and Times of a Train in a Crowded Country? Or Arrested Development Makes for World Weary Nostalgic Journeys? Or Why Are These Characters All Acting So Awkwardly?

Just like a Wes Anderson film, I have no idea what the fuck is going on! But there's a lot of blood and gore like a Tarantino script!

Twat Lobo put his planet out of its misery because everybody was sick with sickness. And Emperor Lobo was putting his sickness directly into the planet by sharing his blood with its blood. Planets don't normally have blood so the planet's blood might be symbolic or maybe it's just melted red clay. Anyway, once Twat Lobo is forced to kill the princess he was in love with and protecting, he figures he may as well kill everybody else as well.

Czarnia implodes with the death of Emperor Lobo but Twat Lobo escapes with one last glass of Czarnia's blood. He drinks it because it looks refreshing. And then I guess Xrexia blows up too because the whole sister planet thing. And The Pariah probably escapes and drinks the last goblet of Xrexian blood. And then Twat Lobo lands on some guy's planet to clean up and the guy is all, "Is there a sign on my lawn that says Dead Czarnian Storage?!" Or something. I'm not very good at remembering exact quotes. I like to use my brain for original thoughts while keeping a file of "I got the gist of it" memories which take less space than the exact quote memories!

Back to the main part of Twat Lobo's story, Twat Lobo finds Rave dead in Pariah's hideout. You probably don't remember Rave since he's one of the characters that was introduced that don't mean anything. He had the dumb mustache.

I wonder if this is going to have a Fight Club twist and Twat Lobo is actually The Pariah too! What does The Code say about killing yourself when you take a contract out on yourself? How is that resolved?

That's why I could never stomach my mom's Grave Dirt Casserole. Way too bitter.

Twat Lobo pulls out The Pariah's eyes which, I guess, kills her. He probably needs them for Code reasons. Unless it's just a metaphor for his being blind to the fact that The Pariah was actually just another aspect of himself. Just before she dies, she mentions that she was behind driving Emperor Lobo mad which set up the chain of events that eventually led to the planet's destruction. And she did it because she was paid to do it by the same person that paid to have Earth destroyed. So now Twat Lobo has a new quest to begin in June! Find the jerk that has a thing against planets. It's probably Twat Lobo himself!

That's going to be my go to prediction for this comic from here on out! Twat Lobo is behind it all! It's because he drank that last cup of Czarnia Blood which was full of madness. Now he's super crazy and he's sending himself on missions for reasons only he knows except he doesn't know the reasons because he's keeping them from himself. He's kind of like the main character from Memento in that he's using his own madness to manipulate himself into doing things that he thinks matter but are really just petty revenges against people who've slighted him but he can't remember how they've slighted him because of his lack of memory. I mean madness! But what he's really after is something that he can never have: the tattoo on his chest that says he did it! I mean, his loving princess back in his arms! Which is the same thing, really! I don't know if I'm talking about the movie or the comic book now. Not that it matters!

Twat Lobo leaves his last surviving teammate Emily on Earth with a device that can summon an armada of ghost ships to destroy Earth if she ever feels like cashing it all in. And then he flies out into space to fulfill his mad delusions! And he's probably sorry and not sorry both at the same time!

Twat Lobo #6 Rating: No change. I'm totally into this comic book if it's Twat Lobo versus Twat Lobo! It also totally explains Real Deal Lobo. Twat Lobo never actually killed Real Deal Lobo. Twat Lobo was Real Deal Lobo. Real Deal Lobo just got a shave and a haircut and stopped taking steroids and got some glowy face tattoos after wiping off the clown paint. But in Twat Lobo's mind, he cut the head off of Real Deal Lobo instead.

Here's how it all shakes out so far. Twat Lobo tried to save the Princess from Czarnia which he felt needed to be destroyed due to corruption. But when the Princess went mad and he had to kill her, he lost his will to live. He destroyed the planet and then drank the last cup of Czarnia's madness-spiked blood so he wouldn't have to remember the Princess. That's when he fell to pieces and let himself go which is when he became Real Deal Lobo. He did that gig for awhile until he began to remember who he really was. Yes, my history makes Twat Lobo the actual Lobo. Since it makes sense, I'm totally up for it. Anyway, once Twat Lobo began remembering bits and pieces of who he was, he began to believe Real Deal Lobo was a separate person stealing his identity. So he hunted him down (as he also, as Real Deal Lobo, hunted Twat Lobo) and killed him.

After Real Deal Lobo's death, Twat Lobo needed to deal with the guilt from having caused his true love's death. He had infected Czarnia with the madness which eventually took her. But he couldn't deal with his being responsible. So he split again. This time he created The Pariah who was responsible for Czarnia's destruction. Having now defeated her and having assuaged some of his guilt by believing he was not totally responsible for the planet's destruction, he's off on another mission to locate, not the person behind the planet destroying contract, but the banker who paid out on the contract. If he searches for the person behind it all, it will be another aspect of himself. And he's not ready to face that again after having just battled himself to the death again. So he's going to try to make some money. Too bad the banker will be all, "What? You want me to pay you the money you paid me to pay the person who did the deed which is you?" And Twat Lobo will be all, "Die!"