Green Lantern Corps #40

That's one fucking wild 'fro, John.

I may have mentioned once or twice that my laptop was running like shit. I could see the sands in my hourglass speeding away as my web browser refused to load pages, my photoshop application decided not to respond, and my messaging client completely locked up. Well, my troubles are no more! Today I am free! Fuck you, Avast! You had your time but whoever decided that your anti-virus software wasn't up to par with McAfee's incredible power to bog down every computer it is installed on is an asshole. Now I feel like I'm using an actual computer again instead of seemingly trying to blog on a toaster. I can't believe the difference it's made. Doom Bunny suggested I take off Avast since it had been screwing up his wife's computer. I thank him for saving this blog and my life. At one point, I opened another browser window to go to Tumblr to post that I was quitting because I was so frustrated. But the stupid fucking browser window never opened and I forgot what I was opening it for in the first place and then I wrote a suicide note to Doom Bunny. Luckily he didn't take me seriously which pissed me off, so I still had something to live for: yelling at Doom Bunny. But then he fixed my problem so now he's a saint! You can now pray to Saint Doom Bunny, patron Saint of jerkos, You Make The Rules, and hockey.

I knew Avast was getting crappy when it was beginning to bug me for registration renewals and increased service for a monthly fee. But I never expected it to be behind all of my problems. Now my computer is the Wild West! Fuck you, anti-virus software! Suck my dick, firewalls! Anarchy rules here! But, um, hackers? Please be kind and leave my shit alone! I turned off the wireless on this thing a few months ago. Now if I sense any hinky dinky funny business going on (and believe me, I can smell that shit like a three star Michelin chef smells truffle oil), I'll just yank out my internet wire and stop those viruses in their tracks! I can do it too! Boom! See? Just did it! BOOM! Did it again!

Anyway, if this is my last blog post, you'll know that my laptop has become a useless brick full of pop ups, trojan horses, and porn.

This issue begins with John's memory of blowing up Xanshi. You see, there was this bomb and it was poisoning the people of Xanshi. It was killing them slowly. So John thought, "I will stop it from killing them by disabling it!" And the bomb said, "Oh no you don't! I will just kill them faster!" And Katma went, "Oh fuck!" And John went, "Whoops!" And Fatality went, "I will murder you, you asshole!" And they all lived happily ever after.

I don't know any other way to end stories.

Now there is the same kind of bomb on Zarox. It's time for John Stewart to right the wrongs of his past! Or to banish some of his demons at least by being successful in a situation where he had failed once before. Because he's never going to bring back the people of Xanshi no matter how badly he wants Fatality to fuck him. I bet he's successful this time because John Stewart has suffered enough! Let him have one, guys!

Whoops!

If John Stewart can drop this bomb and it doesn't detonate, I don't think he should blame himself for the destruction of Xanshi. He barely looked at that bomb and it blew up. This one he's throwing all over the planet and nothing! I think John should have realized that when Katma declared, "John! You armed it!", she was mistaken. And then she was dead. He could have yelled out to her, "It armed itself because you didn't help me destroy it!" And then it would have been her fault! Man, he's just got to let the past go. Here's some advice, John: empty the garbage can. The past is just candy wrappers, banana peels, and used coffee grounds, man. Throw it the fuck away. It isn't doing you any good.

Since you're probably going to remember that garbage can thing to use on your kids in the future, let me give you some more advice for your kids about time. The present is a Grecian urn, all anticipation and excitement for the future. That's the best place to be! And the future is a brick wall. Run at it full speed and you'll kill yourself getting there. But if you enjoy your life and take your time, by the time you get to that brick wall, you'll be able to climb over it on the stack of corpses of the people rushing headlong into it. Although the only thing on the other side of that wall is a grave so, you know, it really doesn't fucking matter.

The bad lady with the splotch on her face tells John that the bomb, like the one on Xanshi, is powered by crimes and evil thoughts and dog poop. So, once again, the other bomb wasn't John's fault! It was the fault of Fatality and her people! Which is kind of blaming the victim but sometimes the victim is to blame, amirite? Stupid victims! Stop being so victimy.

Speaking of victims, Maro was kidnapped by the bad blotchy lady and now he's as big a dick as his meaty, coke-can-sized cock.

Maro is the worst philosopher ever. If you discount all the philosophers sitting in coffee shops all over the world right now. Fuck those guys.

Meanwhile in the heart of the Empire of Tears' largest bomb manufacturing center, Daggle and his partner Asile battle some person named Wyllt. She's the queen of the Empire of Tears. She was probably that little girl that was possessed by the Inversions on Ysmault. I remembered "Inversions" and "Ysmault" without any help from past commentaries or Lord Google! I wonder if I've accidentally been taking brain vitamins?

Wyllt flees to go watch one of her Emotion Bombs explode while Daggle and Asile blow up the bomb factory. Wyllt will probably arrive on Zarox since that bomb is ready to blow. And now I'm pretty sure I was wrong about those brain vitamins because I had to flip back a few pages to remember the name of the planet John is currently on even though I just read it five minutes ago.

John comes up with a stupid plan. "I sure hope that bomb doesn't explode!" BOMB DISARMED.

I bet the bomb inside of the Earth is powered by fleeting fame.

Princess Wyllt arrives to remind John that it was his arrogance that destroyed Xanshi. You know, if he still believes that after all the evidence to the contrary, he's a puss and he doesn't deserve a Green Lantern Ring.

The Zaroxians fight off the despair because hope is strong and powerful or some bullshit. Fuck hope! All hope ever got me was a disappointing Christmas morning!

Actually, hope doesn't save the day. It just stops the bomb from exploding on its own. Wyllt fixes that and arms it herself though. So now, since the Green Lantern Rings can't harm the bomb, it's up to Love to save the day! Fuck love! All love ever got me was tear-stained face and countless hours lost listening to Disintegration!

I can think of a few limits to love. Like nobody is shoving their fingers up my asshole, I'll tell you that right now. I mean, maybe after a half dozen shots of sake and an eighth of shrooms. Okay, maybe love doesn't have any limits provided the conditions are right.

John saves the planet because there's nothing you can say that can't be sung. And there's nothing you can do that can't be done. And there's nothing something something that you can never something something. It's easy!

Everybody celebrates the great big victory of love triumphing over darkness!

Gross. They don't even know if their sexual bits are compatible! What if one of them has a viscous blob and the other has a spinning propeller? That could get messy.

John leaves Jruk and Maro and Feska to rebuild the planet of Zarox while he goes to take a break. Typical foreman! He's had a lot of practice with that on building sites.

Green Lantern Corps #40 Rating: No change. We all knew John would win out with the power of love, didn't we? Now you all have a homework assignment. Download a bunch of Huey Lewis and the News albums, listen to them for the entire weekend, and then write a five page report on what it must have been like living in the eighties with that as your soundtrack. Hopefully now that you're busy with your assignment, you won't notice that I didn't offer any profound commentary on the end of this series.