Futures End #44

Has anybody ever thought about weaving Superman's hair into a bulletproof fabric?

I'm nervous about DC's big change up in June. What if they give me everything I've been asking for? Less concern about overall continuity. Less grim angst. More whimsical fun. Characters that actually enjoy being a superhero. What if they give us all of that and I'm still not happy?! What if I continue to type angry words into the internet but this time asking for darker heroes tied inextricably to all of the other heroes leading to huge crossover events? What if the problem isn't with DC Comics at all? What if the problem is me?! I don't think I'm ready to face some sobering truths about my own anger issues!

Currently in Futures End, Mega-Brainiac is flying Manhattan up into outer space to rendezvous with his ship. Usually when he collects a city from a planet, that means the planet is doomed. But Earth was doomed years ago when Brainiac tried to steal Metropolis except Superman managed to save it that time and Brainiac left off. But then he came back to try to steal a bunch of Earthlings to transfer Coluan minds into and Superman threw him into a black hole. I think it was in that black hole that Brainiac met Mega-Brainiac where Brainiac bitched about Earth being the rare chase planet missing from his collection. And Mega-Brainiac was all, "I love collecting Earths! I have lots of Earths from old, discontinued universes but I didn't realize a new universal set was on the shelves! Let's go shopping!" And he decided to steal Manhattan because that's where his favorite characters from all the universes live. He's going to be disappointed that he's stealing DC's Manhattan and not Marvel's.

I suppose Brainiac and Mega-Brainiac are the same Brainiac and Brainiac just spent eons collecting old universes in the black hole and getting more powerful before finally coming back to this universe about five years after he left it.

Superman goes after Mega-Brainiac while Batman and the Gang discuss plans for keeping Terry McBatman's future from coming true.

Have you not heard one word Terry McBatman has been saying, Bruce?

While Batman places the head of his penis right up against the future's anal sphincter and begins spitting on it, Superman punches the Multiverses out of Mega-Brainiac. That might cause some problems. While Mega-Brainiac is reprogramming around his concussion, The Atom zips up on a billion uSpheres full of Brother Eye programming. Brother Eye shuts down Mega-Brainiac's defenses and The Atom turns Mega-Brainiac into Teensy-Brainiac. And then Manhattan begins to fall out of the sky. Nice one!

And the only price for victory was making a deal with Brother Eye! Yay! And also kind of introducing Brother Eye to Brainiac in his uSphere prison. Yay?

So what has Grifter's family has been up to lately? Don't they have a role to play in saving the universe or is their story done? Maybe they got enough set up for when the next Grifter book comes out.

Is Convergence going to take place inside Teensy-Brainiac's uSphere prison which has been programmed so that he believes he was successful and is still running around the universe collecting shit?

Barely speaking of Convergence, I see DC's advertisement for it shows the creative teams behind the comics from the first two weeks. And not only are they bringing back characters people have been missing for over three years now, they're also bringing back writers that nobody has been clamoring for! Writers like Frank Tieri, Ron Marz, and Fabian Nicieza! At least I haven't been clamoring for them! I can't say for certain that they're awful writers. But I think I can say that they didn't really try very hard on their work for The New 52 because I do not remember their names fondly. On the plus side, Greg Rucka is on The Question and Tony Bedard, whose characterizations and dialogue I think really shine, has a few titles too. And for fans of stories written in 1986, Dan Jurgens is on Superman!

Futures End #44 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was as collectible as a Raphael Teenage Mutant Ninja pin.