Justice League United #10

The Legion of Super-heroes ruin everything.

Whenever the Legion of Super-heroes takes a trip into the past, they ruin everything. I don't think they ever travel to the past to stop some terrible event from taking place. I think every time they head to the past, they're simply manipulating events so that their timeline comes to fruition. They're no better than that barn owl Madame Xanadu who's always pretending to see some future disaster just to get a bunch of heroes to do her laundry or weed her garden. If I were a super hero, I would have a strict policy to only ever get involved with crimes that have already happened or are currently in the process of happening. Nobody's going to trick me into lowering a neighborhood's property value so that they can snatch it all up so they can sell it for five times its value to developers. I know that I could still be manipulated by somebody pretending to be a ghost or a monster but I think I'm pretty good at spotting the difference between a rubber mask and an actual human face.

Last issue, Brainiac 5 with his amazingly huge brain created a black hole which is going to destroy all space and time. I know some of you are thinking, "What an idiot!" But could you create a black hole capable of destroying reality? I thought not.

If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this! But, you know, with different names replacing "Infinitus."

I just wrote a song while I was scanning the above image. This is it:

I bought sake for Goblin Sake! DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK!
You put your dick in an old gym socky! KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK!

Have you ever been mellow while listening to "Have You Never Been Mellow"? Philosophy!

If a tree falls in the forest and there are no trees, what the fuck? Philosophy!

If a Starbucks employee asks you to have a frank and serious chat about racism, say what they want to hear and not what you actually think! Friendly Advice!

Let me have another attempt at that caption above so I can get back on track: "If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this, it wouldn't really matter since I just spent $100 to get into the situation which led to me yelling that at the Madame." That's too long and awkward. It needs some workshopping but it's not even worth workshopping, so I'll just move on now.

1. You can tell the H.P. Lovecreep thing is a good burn because it's been italicized. 2. Byth is still an asshole with teeth. 3. How about not criticizing somebody who's trying to save your ass, Miiyahbin. 4. The pull is too "strong," StarIDon'tKnowHowToLanguageGirl. 5. You are in space. There is no sky. 6. Um, is it a bird? Or a plane?!

Hopefully you can match all of my comments to the proper places in the comic book yourself. Try bringing a little effort to these commentaries, sheesh. Instead of just sitting there naked and passively scanning the internet with drool sliding down your chin. Jesus. Take a shower!

Whoops! I couldn't really see you browsing! That was just the reflection on my computer screen.

Supergirl flies down to get stuck in the gravity well of the black hole too. No, wait. She's strong enough to save Stargirl and Equinox with her flying power that works by...well, I'm sure it's some kind of science.

Nobody's arms get ripped off and nobody turns into long strings of spaghetti so I'm beginning to doubt Brainiac 5 actually created a real black hole. Maybe he just created a hole with a pretty strong gravity but nothing that a Supergirl can't climb out of.

Nobody shall die this day due to the power of science words!

Science can only do so much to save the day because now math has determined that Thanagar's orbit is going to bring it into the black hole's event horizon soon. Have you ever been inside the event horizon at a Grateful Dead concert? I've only gone once and that was to score some LSD. It might be the only time I've purchased drugs on my own if you discount buying LSD off of my ex-girlfriend's sister which I don't think really counts.

Hawkman decides to evacuate Thanagar but before he can, Dream Girl has a precognitive daydream where she sees two planets side by side. So now that science and math have had their turn, it's time to rely on hoodoo! Dream Girl declares that they must move the planet!

J'onn's only saying that because a female dreamed up the plan, the sexist pig. Plus he's trying not to cry as he thinks to himself, "Why didn't my people think of that?!"

I bet if we could understand pigs, they'd probably be thinking, "What the fuck did we do? Leave us out of your sexist bullshit, you asshole monkeys. And while we've got your attention, fuck George Harrison."

Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan to use zeta technology to move Thanagar to a different orbit. I guess everybody will be okay if it's shoved into Rann's orbit. Is that okay? Two planets in the same orbit? Kind of like our second Earth that's always on the far side of the sun that we don't know about. At least most of us don't know about it. The callers on Coast to Coast AM sure know a heck of a lot about it!

While they're coming up with a plan, Brainiac 5 asks White Witch to use her magic to help amplify the science. I don't know if that makes any sense but White Witch can amplify me anytime.

This isn't fair to Supergirl since obviously the future is going to have finer asses.

The planet is placed next to Rann in its orbit because Brainiac 5 knows what he's doing. Probably. Who am I to question a Twelfth Level Intellect! I can barely spell "twelfth"! I'm sure their gravitational fields won't fuck up everything on both planets.

Too bad Czarnia wasn't still extant! They could throw them in the mix just for fun!

Ugh! Gross! I hope it did change what happened between you if what happened between you is what I think happened between you! Stay away from my Supergirl, you green penised fartturd!

I called him a "fartturd" because he's Coluan. Get it? Sometimes my passion for Supergirl makes me a little racist and ablest. Fucking Michael, you handicrapable girlfriend thief!

Byth has been defeated, Infinitus turned back into a child, and a black hole was created nearby but fuck it. I'm sure it won't be a problem. The Legion of Super-heroes head back to the future with Ace Ultra where they'll probably just kill him when they get out of J'onn's sight. Adam and Alanna Strange are reunited and they kiss and fuck in that creepy way that professors kiss and fuck their students. *shudder*

How old is Stargirl? Three?

The team decides to stay together because they somehow didn't get cancelled in the DC June Relaunch. At least the next story can focus on the characters that are actually on the team instead of thousands of different Legionnaires.

Justice League United #10 Rating: No change. I realize I don't comment much on the art unless it's really shitty or unless it hits me right in the aesthetic pleasure center. I'm not going to discuss the art in this issue because it was serviceable. Maybe it was good in places and maybe it was weird in places and maybe White Witch's bum was super terrific. But I can't imagine being a proper comic book reviewer and feeling the need to throw in a paragraph about the art in every review. How many different ways can you say "the art served the story well"? And do they ever get sick of mentioning how the "coloring fit the mood perfectly"? I just can't do it! Sorry, Jeromy Cox, if I never give you any credit. Your ability to color and shade pictures seems, um, adult? Good job?