Thursday, March 5, 2015

Aquaman #39


I hope Dr. Evans matches some shapes to other shapes this issue! Is that a super power or does he just have a doctorate in shapes? Either way, I've never seen a better shape matcher! Not since kindergarten, anyway.

Last issue, Aquaman and Mera discovered Atlanna's secret hangout in the Land of the Prehistoric Rhinoceroses which were all "Hey! Look! New friends!" when the Atlanteans first arrived. Several hours later, they were wearing saddles and reins and had bits in their mouths and were all, "Fucking assholes. Fuck this shit." But since they only spoke Ancient Rhinocerese, none of the Atlanteans could understand them and just assumed they were happy to be forced into servitude.

I guess Atlanna doesn't recognize her son because he's all, "Hey, are you like Atlanna or something?" And she's all, "Die motherfuckers!"

And then they hug! Just kidding! She blasts the shit out of him.

I guess they can't trust each other too quickly since this story has to last until the end of Issue #40. And anyway, I get why Atlanna blasted Aquaman when he revealed he was her son. Who wants the kid they abandoned to hunt them down and remind them of that time in their life? When I throw something away, I don't want somebody coming back and dumping the garbage back inside my house! I got rid of it for a reason! Stop trying to get back into my life, garbage!

My thoughts are not meant to represent everybody's attitude toward adoption and long lost family members. Just mine because I actually wish more of my family members were long lost.

This makes no sense, Atlanna. You're crazed from Long Lost Relative Return Shock.

Doesn't it make more sense to pose as the son she wouldn't recognize? Which is what Arthur is doing. I mean, except for the posing part since he really is her son. And what kind of mother doesn't feel it deep down in her heart when she's looking upon her grown baby? Have movies been lying to me all of this time?! Thank you, Comic Books, for being brave enough to tell the truth.

Atlanna's fake husband, Orvax, told her that he killed Tom and Arthur years ago. So she decided to believe him because who doesn't believe everything that comes out of an asshole's mouth? And then she killed him so she conveniently couldn't question him about the murders. Apparently Atlanna's not big on fact checking.

Atlanna decides to throw Aquaman and Mera in a volcano before they can regain consciousness because remember that thing I just said about her relationship with fact checking? Her advisor reminds her that fact checking is a pretty neat deal and it really doesn't cost anything but a little bit of time. But what's a little bit of lost time worth compared to veracity and truth? Pennies, probably! But Atlanna is all, "Shut up, Advisor! Know your place." And Lenu the Advisor is all, "Bu...bu...bu...whut?"

Aquaman slowly gains consciousness as Atlanna and her advisor conveniently recount the history of the island, Pacifica. It was meant to be a new home for Atlanteans when their island began to sink because who knew they would somehow survive underwater. I mean, really, how did they manage that? Did they have enough time to build glass domes over their cities before it sank under the waves? Did they hold their breath while building the underwater city? Did they use magic to instantly grow gills and become strong enough to withstand the incredible pressures at the bottom of the sea? Fucking comic books. Explain yourselves better!

Atlantis couldn't move to Pacifica because a volcano god named Karaku already lived on the island and he killed whoever came through the portal. But Atlanna confined him to inside his volcano with the Staff of Storms and the occasional virginal treat. I guess he eats non-virgins too though because she's about to feed him Aquaman and Mera and Mera has fucked like way over three people. Aquaman might still be a virgin if you discount all the sea life he's fucked.

The sacrifice goes all wrong and Karaku is forced to eat Gontu's chewy muscle instead of Mera's tender morsels.

Aquaman kidnaps Lenu the Adivsor and advises her to advise Atlanna to stop acting like a dickhead. Lenu points out that nobody can stop Atlanna from acting like a dickhead and Mera mutters something about the apple and the tree.

As Aquaman tries to think of a way to avoid punching his mom in the throat (maybe when he figures out a way, he'll teach it to me!), Tula and some warriors from Atlantis come through the Maelstrom and begin punching Atlanna in the throat for Arthur. Sometimes it's good to be king!

I bet Doctor Evans found a shape and then he found a hole that had the same shape and he put the shape in the shape-hole allowing the armies of Atlantis to follow Arthur to Pacifica.

For some reason, Arthur forces his army to stop attacking my his mother. But it hardly matters anyway since everybody is going to be forced to work together to stop Karaku who has broken free of the volcano. I guess Gontu tasted like puke.

Aquaman #39 Rating: No change. This whole quest began because Atlantis wasn't taking too kindly to Arthur's leadership and kept trying to shake him off of it. The reason it didn't accept his authority was because he wasn't the real king as long as Atlanna lived. So will Atlanna have to die at the conclusion of this story? No, I imagine this was a good way to relieve Aquaman of the throne. Atlanna can come back and be queen again, leaving Aquaman and Mera free to do their super heroing.

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