Gotham Academy #5

Stop copping a feel, Mister Grey!

I just finished watching the third season of American Horror Story, "Coven." It was basically just the X-men! A school for gifted children with special powers? A headmaster that wants to teach the children to fit in and pass among the rest while another, more powerful mutant witch wants to train them to fight. At first I thought Cordelia was Charles but then she has all of those eye problems and it's obvious she's Cyclops. Her mother Fiona seemed to be Magneto but then maybe she was just Charles Xavier when he was a big jerk. He was a big jerk at some point, right? Marie Laveau later turned out to be Magneto with her Brotherhood of Evil. Plus she and Fiona were like Fremeses which is totally the Magneto/Professor X relationship. Madison was kind of like Emma Snow although Nan had all the proper mind powers. Zoe was Kitty Pryde. Kyle was, I don't know, Wolverine or Deadshot or something. The Witchhunters were kind of like X-Factor but for real and not for show. I'm sure there were more similarities, like who Queenie and Misty represented, but I don't know as much about the X-men as I should. And I probably never will since Scott Lobdell wrote so much of it in the nineties.

The biggest problem with Coven is that Maps wasn't in it. It's time to read something with Maps in it!

It turns out the escaped Arkham inmate in the walls of Olive's dorm is Killer Croc although he drops the "killer" when he introduces himself to Olive. Smart!

Oh my god, Maps! You're breaking my heart! Oh, to be young again! And fictional!

Killer Croc gets spooked by Maps'sses (is that the proper way to make her name possessive?) voice and hightails it out of the attic. Hmm, was that insensitive? Since, you know, crocodiles can't actually raise their tails? I don't mean to be insensitive! I mean, I'm not racist or anything in all the ways white people think matter when it comes to racism. Like I don't oppress and hate groups of people based on generalizations and stereotypes about their race or ethnicity or gender or sex or overall level of sexual promiscuity (unless the level is low and then why am I wasting my time, amirite?!)! But I'm pretty sure my sarcasm and cynicism make me racist in my own head! My mind can't help but Mind-Tweet career ending comments at my own behaviors and actions whenever I deal with anybody. It's just that when my mind adds hilarious commentary about a white person, I don't think, "Fuck, dude, that was wrong." So when an old girlfriend of mine once told an extremely old lady who had just had hip surgery that it will be worth it in the long run, my mind goes, "Never say 'in the long run' to an old person!" A couple of nights ago, I was cleaning the floor of a grocery store which is closed. But a delivery guy comes by to drop off fruits and veg while I'm there. As he was leaving, I told him to feel free to move my ramp if it's ever blocking his way. Then he left and I thought, "Hmm, should I have used the phrase 'feel free' to a black guy?" I blame the media for my racism!

Didn't I say she'd only be concerned about how many experience points he was worth? Okay, she's pretty concerned about its Treasure Type as well. I didn't realize Maps was such a gold-digger.

As Olive and Maps continue to explore, Maps fantasizes about finding a treasure chest or a gelatinous cube. Maps would have been so in love with my junior high school self!

Eventually they find themselves in a large antechamber (unless it's just a chamber!) with the Wayne Manor insignia carved into the floor and doors leading in every compass direction. They hear some movement to the north but it leads to a blocked passage under the North Hall. Olive decides to call the expedition for the night and Maps places a question mark and a little doodle of a collapsed passage on her map before heading back to the dorms.

The next day, they regroup in Maps'sses room to brief their new party members, Pomeline and Colton.

I was wrong about the question mark but look at the collapsed passage! I think Maps and I are soulmates!

While they're making plans, Kyle, Olive's ex and Maps'sses brother, butts in.

Literally! Who enters a room this way?

Kyle acts all pissy that Olive might be putting Maps in danger by taking her on dungeon expeditions of the North Hall because he apparently doesn't know his sister at all. But Olive changes the subject and asks Kyle to the school dance even though she has hot pants for The Guy Who Reads. But taking Kyle to the dance is just her cover! Pomeline's cover is Heathcliff and Maps'sses cover is her roommate Katherine who has a bit of an Alice in Wonderland vibe going on. I think that whole dorm room is just full of win!

The adventurers ditch their dates as quickly as possible and head out on their expedition to find Killer Croc and ask him about Olive's mother. And if they happen to find a few potions and magic weapons, that's just gravy. And experience points for treasure found, of course!

Before they can set out, they need to retrieve Colton's thieves tools. Their first hurdle is a locked door to Hammer's office that can only be answered by finding the right combination on a rune lock.

I can't believe Maps missed the mimic! She'd be so disappointed! Also, Pomeline drops a Ghostbusters' reference on the next panel. She might be a bit geekier than she lets on!

Maps opens the lock easily because she knows her runes just like I do! I once had a dungeon master in high school (Welson Niggins! Friend of Soy Rakelson!) draw up a map for our party and he labeled a bunch of places with the runes used for Dwarfish in Tolkein's books. I took the map and began reading the place names as he looked on in surprise that such a cool looking dude as me could read runes. I'd learned them from the map that came with Ultima III!

I know all the stories I tell about my life make it sound like I looked exactly like the kind of person that would be able to read runes. But I offer this abridged, mostly true story in defense of my Cooleptitude! One time at a party, I flipped back my hair and said, "Hi, my name's Tess." And later that night, women (maybe just a woman) were (was?) yanking down my pants in front of a library near the house we'd been in earlier. I probably have tons more proof like that but I don't want to brag or make them up right now. I mean try to remember them.

Once past the door, the party of adventurers raid the place and pick out the weapons that will help establish their characters for the campaign to come.

See? Maps knows the importance of this initial outfitting ritual.

After they're all outfitted, they head to the Girls' Dormitory to slip back into the secret passageway. But before they can get there, Olive has a completely separate adventure all on her own! Or while the others watch from a distance? Anyway, she sees a Man-bat flying through the sky and brings it down with her new crossbow that she should probably name Batfeller. I'm super excited to see Man-bat shot out of the sky until it's revealed that he's not dead and that he's also The Guy Who Reads. He points out the obvious, that he has the Langstrom Virus, and then tells Olive about a day in the summer when he first saw her.

That's the perfect ice breaker! "When I first saw you, I witnessed you burn down a school. Now kiss me!"

Angsty Teenaged Boy-bat (Tristan is going to get a lot of nicknames as I avoid calling him anything but Tristan Grey) rescued Olive from the fire and then Old Lady MacPherson took her to the infirmary and asked The Guy Who Reads if he could keep an eye on Olive. And he said "I'll keep more than an eye on her!" while waggling an imaginary cigar.

Maps comes running out of nowhere and manages to scare away yet another monster worth valuable XP. Apparently Olive did lose the rest of her group as she went on her Man-boy adventure.

I don't think there's enough comic left for a dungeon crawl. Maybe just a page or two to cover Kyle's anger when he realizes he's been ditched at the Valentine's Day Dance.

Except fuck Kyle and the dance apparently because the action picks up with the party crawling up out of the pit and into the North Hall where they lure Killer Croc to them with snack cakes! Killer Croc tells some good stories about how he threw rocks at Batman and how he almost bit Batman's balls off and how the new Robin totally almost killed him like eighteen times already. Everybody is having a good time and just as he begins to open up about Sybil Silverlock and her knowledge of secret tunnels connecting Arkham with Gotham Academy, Batbuzzkilljoywrecker crashes the party. Fuck you, Batman! Aren't you in enough books each month?!

Gotham Academy #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I've always wanted a DC Comic book that combines all of my favorite things like the DC Universe and Dungeons and Dragons and Degrassi Junior High and Sailor Moon all in one package. Now if this comic book were sold with a free package of Oreos, it would be the most perfect thing ever.