Sunday, March 15, 2015

Harley Quinn #15

Have the first fourteen issues and twenty-nine specials just been a long hallucination brought on by swallowing The Joker's jizz?

Just to put the following statement in context, I'm not sexually aroused by cocks. I mean, I get aroused by blow job porn which is essentially just massively hard pricks. But, I mean, that's just because I'm into blow jobs, right? Or am I actually into those throbbing rods full of pulsing veins? I think I'm just really into the women's mouth parts all over the man's man parts (which I'm totally not into at all! Gross!). Although I don't get aroused when I see pictures of women eating popsicles even though those images have all of the same women's mouth parts doing practically the same thing! Do other men find women eating phallic objects sexually pleasing? Maybe it is the cock I'm into! But I always scroll quickly past gay blow job gifs because I'm not interested in them. Or am I uncomfortable with the way my penis twitches as I look at them?! Why did one sentence to provide context suddenly turn into a paragraph of lies! Look, I don't like cock, okay!?

But...I'm just saying...if jizz were hallucinatory, I'd be sucking guys off left and right!

This issue begins with some women in Harlem having a bit of a chat.

I was thoroughly confused by that last image for about a minute. I thought that maybe she was expressing some kind of weird super power.

Harley is currently shopping for birds. No matter how much somebody loves birds, it always struck me as a weird animal to keep as a pet. I'd be okay with a penguin if it had a nice pool to swim in. Maybe. And homing pigeons seem okay, especially if they're kept on a rooftop and they get to fly around a lot. But keeping a flying creature confined to a life of maybe getting to fly up onto the curtain rod and back to its cage just seems awful. I could be wrong though. Maybe birds spend their entire lives just hating to fucking fly anywhere. Kind of how I hate to get in a car and drive somewhere during the day. Maybe birds in captivity just think, "Whew! I'm so fucking lucky that all I have to do is sit here on this perch and learn to sound like the oven timer or the microwave oven. Flying is so overrated!"

I didn't know Mad had a centerfold-in! I bet it's like a picture of three kittens playing with a ball of yarn, then you fold it and...PORN!

On her way home, Harley passes by a building that's on fire. People are trapped on the top floor and she rushes in to rescue them. Because she's a hero? No! Because she's insane! I don't think she's crazy because she's risking her life to save some people. I think she's crazy because the front of the building plainly stated this was a law firm so she's risking her life to save lawyers. There are three kinds of people I'd never risk my life to save: lawyers, police officers, and everybody else.

The person behind the flames is a guy named Tinderbox. He's a second rate Firefly! Or Firebug. Or whatever that other second rate flamethrower villain's name is. Being the second rate version of a second rate character means you're a fourth rate character due to exponents or denominators or something.

Harley calls Tinderbox "Finger-lox" and I suddenly remember that we've seen a Tinderbox before! She was princess of the underground in Ann Nocenti's Catwoman. The reason I suddenly remembered that is that throughout that whole story, I constantly referred to her as something other than "Tinderbox" as well! Harley and I are practically the same person.

After kicking Timberlocks out of a window, Harley Quinn rushes off to save the rest of the people trapped upstairs.

I've never encountered a fire extinguisher that sprays foam. The only ones that I've set off...I mean, been around when they've been set off have basically sprayed chalk dust. It would have been more fun if they sprayed foam. I mean, the fire would have been put out in a more fun way!

While Harley saves all these lawyers who later pretend they're grateful but don't seem to want to spread any cash around to prove it, all of Harley's pet supplies are stolen. That'll teach her that fighting crime doesn't pay.

Meanwhile another character is being introduced. Her name is Shona and her mother and grandmother run an Indian restaurant so she probably smells delicious. Some asshats decide that they don't have to pay for their lunch because they're entitled pricks who believe they deserve to be waited on hand and foot no matter how busy the restaurant might be. Shona and her bat decide to debate them. Her bat presents most of the best arguments.

Her mouth brings up a few good points too.

Shona is kicked out of the restaurant because her mother doesn't approve of using violence to solve problems. But Shona's grandmother does, so she funds Shona's new life as a vigilante! I think she's going to be DC's answer to the Punisher. I mean DC's new answer to the Punisher. I don't remember who their old answer to him was.

Back to Harley, she returns home with another load of pet goodies to find Poison Ivy waiting for her in the tub. Now this is my kind of comic! I mean, it's my kind of porn! I there supposed to be a difference? Didn't Erik Larson say something about them being basically the same thing on Twitter recently?

The magic of being a guy! This scene is just a sweet moment between two best friends but when I turn my male gaze towards it...ha ha ha! It's now dirty and disgusting!

Seriously though! If this were Batman and Superman, I wouldn't think they were about to fuck. No, wait a second. I would think that. Carry on!

Meanwhile in yet another part of town full of minorities, we meet Carlita! Are we building to a new Roller Derby Team? Here's something that kids today won't get because they think if it happened before they were born, it happened in a time when everybody was a racist dickhole: Is Harley going to start a new 70s gang? All she needs now is an Asian member! Seriously though, remember the 70s when everything was multicultural and diversity was everywhere? Things really seemed like they were chugging along nicely. And then Reagan took office and the moral majority swooped in and suddenly we were all back to living in the whitest, most Christian, homophobic nation on Earth! I don't know who exactly is to blame but back in the 70s, real life seemed to be trending toward the world Tumblr thinks of when they say, "Are you kidding? It's 2015!" Sure, a lot of shit was still wrong but the effort was being made and it seemed like America had come as close as ever to that whole Melting Pot dream of the bicentennial. I think what happened in the eighties was the pendulum just swung back the other way as the Traditionalists (I could also have used "racists" here) pushed back.

Of course, I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, so I may have had a slightly skewed view of America. I grew up watching the gay pride parade on KOFY TV-20 and staying up late for their dance parties. I'm fairly certain the 70s and early 80s were completely different in other parts of America. Every now and then I'll say something about how life was like back then and the Non-Certified Spouse, who grew up in Nebraska, reminds me that I grew up in Oz when compared to much of the rest of the country.

Antonia, Shona, and Carlita are all looking for jobs. I think that's the connection! They're all going to wind up working for Harley Quinn. Maybe as thugs in her new Joker Gang? Or maybe just taking care of her animals and firing the shit catapult.

This is the part where Harley gets into it with her beaver.

This is the part where Harley gets into it with Pamela's beaver.

Dammit! They neutralized my male gaze by making it dirty all on its own! Foiled again!

Mason drops by to let Harley know that he's sorry for having been so upset and he understands that her life is hectic and maybe they can try going on a dinner sex again sometime. He leaves to give Harley and Pamela some time to look for an assistant for Harley so she has more time to save lives and be a real hero. Oh, hey! Remember those three women looking for jobs?! I bet they're perfect for this gig! What luck!

There she is! The textbook cover 70s gang is complete!

Harley Quinn #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. I can't wait for Harley's version of The Joker's Gang! I mean, it's her own gang. I don't know why I bring him up since he's not involved in her life anymore and she's not making decisions based around his stupid male penis. Harley's Gang is going to kick ass. Right now, Shona is my favorite but that's because I love Indian food and also women that hit people with bats. But I think I'll probably like the Asian woman because she has a plushy alien cat creature and swords on her walls and she's reading the help wanted ad as if it were the greatest piece of fanfiction she's ever encountered. Seriously, she might be masturbating to the ad since her right hand is nowhere to be seen.

I did type "dinner date" back there, didn't I?!

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