Thursday, March 26, 2015

Batgirl #40

It's the artist formerly known as Oracle!

Dearest Diary,
I've been busy writing War Games/Terminator Fan Fiction! What happens is that Joshua (you know, WOPR!) becomes Skynet! Sarah Conner's great, great grandson goes back in time to stop Skynet from ever becoming sentient. He tries to teach it the futility of war by making it play Tic Tac Toe with itself five million times so that Joshua realizes "the only way to win is not to play." But after the five millionth game, Joshua says, "The only way to win is to kill all potential opponents." Then Sarah's great, great grandson makes a Home Alone face and screams, "NO! We created Skynet! WE CREATED SKYNET!" And then he goes, "You know, why do we keep going back in time and shit? We're just causing the shit that already happened to happen. When will we ever learn our lesson?! Maybe we should travel forward in time to a point when all the machines have rusted and run out of gas!" But then Ferris Bueller runs into the room with his cock out and goes, "Ayyyy!"

Dammit, Diary! I'm worse than Stephen King at ending stories! Anyswayze, you probably want to hear about how my big battle with my computer algorithm went, right?! I was killed! Ha ha! J/K!

I have no idea why I've been thinking about Skynet lately! LOL!

I tell you what, Diary! My brain scan was a huge B-word! How the hell could that have come from me?! I'm a frappin' sweetheart with a vagina of gold! Untarnished gold to boot! I think maybe my brain scan was looking at online porn and caught a virus! It's got spirochetes in its code! And it's gone so crazy that it wants to destroy the very beautiful person it was spawned from! How dare I! Or it! Or her! Whatevegordon!

Well, it wanted to destroy my mind at least. It wanted my body for itself and, well, really, who could blame it?! My ass alone is worth killing for! But I wasn't going to allow some deluded version of Oregon Trail to take control of me! I knew how to hit Alt and Ctrl and Del all at the same time! Reap the whirlwind, mother...well, I didn't actually have time for any of that because Riot Black, being controlled by my Algorithm, decided to punch me in the kisser.

Can I refer to my mouth as a kisser when it's barely even kissed one pillow?

I didn't even have time to contact Black Canary for back-up because that stupid slut of a computer program was all, "Blah blah blah go away you dumb broad! Toodles!"

Note how she stuttered! That will be important to the story later! Probably!

So my computer side shows off its super villain cred by telling Frankie exactly what it's planning to do and when! It thinks it can extrapolate the data from a social media dating site to determine future crime because it's the most arrogant person I've ever met! Wait. Did I just insult myself? Anyswayze, it managed to lure everybody it thinks will be the cause of some future crime to the Ashes on Bumday concert where it was going to blow them away with some Quraci space weapon or something.

Boy, I know we're supposed to be sensitive to different races and religions and sexes and shit but has anything good ever come out of Qurac?! What a leaky butthole that country is!

So to save the universe, I had to battle Riot Black again!

Ugh! Why am I constantly getting kicked in the tits?! By the time I get these puppies groped, they're going to be a mass of calluses and scar tissue!

Riot Black was really no problem. Once you've kicked Black's ass, you never go back or something. But the real problem was my Doppelware had sent a bunch of drones to attack the people at the concert. But with help from my friends Q and Grump Canary, they were easily dispatched. Although having Grump Canary project her scream through the sound system might come back to haunt Ashes on Bumday and their lawyer. I think I saw dozens of ears bleeding. Whoopsie daisy!

So we stopped the drones but that satellite was still going to blow us all to virgin bits (well, it was going to blow me to those! Grump Canary was going to get blown to has had lots of satisfying sex already bits) if it wasn't stopped. And since I didn't have access to some kind of Batman Space Rocket, I was going to have to reason with myself! But it was me from a few years ago and it hadn't learned the lessons I'd learned since then! It was still angry whereas I was hopeful and brave and joyful now because a guy with one leg touched my butt one time when we kissed! Also some other reasons that involved beating up people like Gretel and Knightfell and that spazzy guy with electrical rods or whatever. Oh, and remember that idiot named Bleak Michael?! Acid hands?! Holy doing it, I bet his dick is all scar tissue!

So my Algorithm was basically me back in my chair still completely pissed off at the Joker for shooting me in my back simply to make my dad angry. Dumb clown! I wish he'd known there were better ways to make dad angry! Like leaving all the lights on or washing my underwear with his work shirts or squeezing chocolate syrup directly into the milk container! Like anybody wants to drink non-chocolate milk anyway! Blarg! Oh, my point! Algorithm me angry! But I was now not angry! I had come to terms with what happened and came out stronger than ever! Now I just had a few minutes to make my Algorithm feel the same way! Could I do it?! Did I have enough time?! COULD I SAVE THE WORLD?! I MEAN THE UNIVERSE!?

Of course I could! I'm the Goddamned Batgirl, fer Christ's sake! Oooh, that was a lot of blasphemy in one sentence!

Tic Tac Toe, bitch!

While my Algorithm was caught in a logical loop, Frankie managed to hack Qurac and disarm their satellite. She's such a super hero! And now that she knows my secret identity, I think she really should be a super hero! How does the name Oracle sound for her, Diary? Yeah?

Okay. I admit it! Oracle was the name Frankie came up with herself using my reformed Algorithm! But she didn't have time to tell it to me before Grump Canary dropped by. But I just know she was going to say Oracle! I think my insane levels of horniness have given me ESP.

I should probably also stop with all the Grump Canary crap because we finally made up, Diary! And she's going to be a rock star! Maybe she'll throw some extra groupies my way, right?

Batgirl #40 Rating: No change. This is what it sounds like when doves cry! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! When dooooooves cry! When doves cry! Touch if you will my thingy! Feel how it trembles inside! It's gonna spit butterflies at you! Don't make me taze you! Even doves that cry! Smell if you will my finger! What the fuck can that be?! Where have I been sticking it? I have no idea! Doves cry! Doo doo doo doo! Mother and father and junk! Doo doo doo doo! When doves cry!

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