Friday, March 20, 2015

Klarion #6

Please let this be how the series ends.

My favorite thing about Twitter is how a funny person will tweet something funny and then one hundred unfunny people will reply to it with "jokes" of their own, and usually half of those "jokes" are just rehashing the original joke. It's like some people hear a joke and think, "Oh! I wonder if the person who told that joke knows how funny it is! I'd better repeat it but in a different and less subtle way! LOL!" Seriously, I love the internet because everybody can shout into it and, golly gee, isn't that a good time. But 99% of you assholes are superfluous. Me? I'm part of the 1%! Suck it, 99 Percenters!

I love being confident!

No wait! I love pretending to be confident!

No wait! I hate crying into my pillow every night!

Now that I'm done with my rambling introduction, this is the part where I'd normally give a synopsis of the previous Klarion issues. But since I didn't understand any of them at all, an update like that would be useless and, most probably, really fucking mean. And I'm not here to bash Ann Nocenti!

Good thing you can't see my face when I type because I couldn't not smile while typing the last sentence of that last paragraph! I'm actually here to bash her a lot!

Since when did Klarion decide to represent Nature in this battle? Did Ann Nocenti suddenly realize that she should probably mention nature at some point since her theme was technology versus nature?

"Game over!" "Game on!" Oh, oh! It's all so cute and clever that my butt hurts again! Thanks a lot, Ann!

Klarion and Coal are having a big battle now for some reason. Were they ever at odds before this? Why does Klarion even care? Why is anybody buying this comic book? I guess the colors are pretty. Good job, Guy Major! You're a colorist like Gabe Eltaeb and Jeromy Cox! You guys color things and make them pretty! Oh so pretty! Might I make a suggestion? Can you somehow cover up the word balloons with lots of pretty black ink the next time you color an Ann Nocenti book? No? Because the lettering gets added at a different time? Well then fuck you. You're useless. I'm just going to go buy a black Sharpie.

It's Teekl along with some words that that asshole Guy Major didn't color over. Good for nothing colorist.

How did it all start with Teekl? Because Noah stole some of its fur or something for a dinner recipe? And why would Klarion need to banish his own past? And can we just forget about the Buddybots! Unless they're meant to represent masturbation! If this comic book has been about people losing themselves in masturbation all of this time and I missed it, I'll never let myself live it down.

Oh my god it is about masturbation! I'm such a fucking idiot!

I made a joke last issue about the buddybots being masturbatory fantasies come to life since they emerge from the palm of a person's hand but I didn't think this entire run might have been entirely about masturbation. But now I'm starting to see it! Klarion was punished back in his home world because he wasn't using his hands properly! So he runs off with the devil to a less puritanical world where masturbation is practiced by everybody except liars! There he finds a group of witches who think masturbation by hand is the best way and a group of witches who think using mechanical, high-tech toys is better! And these buddybots are the perfect companion for the person whose palm they come out of which is obviously an argument about how masturbation cuts you off from other relationships. Which is why Buddybots are perfect because they're just extensions of you that help you get off but they have no agency of their own so you don't have to worry about their desires, needs, or feelings!

I might have to apologize to Ann Nocenti! She's a genius!


Klarion's buddybot, Klarwitch, goes on to ask Klarion to teach her and not hit her. She just doesn't understand jerking off yet because she's young. But Klarion teaches her to hold her hands like he holds his and then he shoots a massive ray of jizz into Coal's face. There should be a professional masturbation battle federation. Two men enter, one man remains covered in semen. I don't know how the female version of the sport would work since who can fucking tell who won and who fake won?

Klarwitch crashes to the ground and breaks so that Piper can have a conversation with Klarion about touching himself. I don't know where Rasp and Zell wandered off to since they were in this room with the buddybots just two pages ago.

Geez, Piper! He's being metaphorical! The snake represents his penis!

I think Ann Nocenti threw in that above panel so she could justify all of the times one of her characters spouted erroneous information in previous series. "See? I know better! It's just I write characters that continues to believe silly nonsense! You didn't think I actually believed that crocodiles love rotting meat or that cats can't swim? Pshaw! So crazy!"

That part where Piper and Noah were talking about how Klarion needs to banish his past that came up out of nowhere becomes a topic of conversation. And if you really want to know what it's about, you're going to need to do some serious digging in your local comic book stores back issue bins.

I think this that issue of Kirby's The Demon can be found at Billy Galaxy's on Powell Boulevard in Portland, Oregon. But it's super expensive there so I wouldn't recommend purchasing it at that location.

Gargora appears just as Noah and Piper are helping Klarion craft a spell to bring Teekl back to life. Sure! Just as the series is ending, the best character in the book is going to finally make an appearance.

I'm completely lost right now. I wonder if all the assholes that raved about this comic book are still pretending it's a magnificent triumph? I bet they're all blaming its incomprehensibility on editorial interference and the cancellation of the book. Because who would want to blame the introduction of a character and plot point that has somehow become the focal point of the entire series on the writer of the series?

I hope Teekl comes back to life, glances over at Klarion with his detached penis Klarwitch, licks her butt, and says, "Fuck this shit." Then she goes off to star in her own comic book written by anybody else*.

*Not Scott Lobdell.

Something happens and the witches win or something. I'm not sure who they beat. Or why. Or what the point of it all was. But I guess everybody is happy now?

Klarion #6 Rating: -10 Ranking. As you can tell, I stopped trying to figure out what was going on during the last battle. I suppose if I wanted to do more work than just handing over my $2.99, I could make sense of the story. But it would all be my own assumptions and guesses because the story is nonsense. Hopefully this is the last Ann Nocenti book I ever have to read because it stopped being fun about ten Nocenti Catwoman issues ago. She truly is an awful writer.

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