Monday, March 30, 2015

Batman Eternal #51

Has the Cluemaster been using his code at all during this series? You know the code! The one Dick mentions in the best September Futures End book, Futures End: Grayson #1?

If Batman is the World's Greatest Detective, how come he couldn't figure out Cluemaster was behind it all? I have my theories, being a Junior World's Greatest Detective thanks to my Trixie Belden World's Greatest Detective Home Study Course. My first theory is that Batman doesn't take Cluemaster seriously and so never considered him. My second theory is aliens. My third theory is that Project Cloverleaf is a real government project whose goal is to get homeless people and AM Radio Talk Show Enthusiasts to believe in chemtrails so that they stop paying any attention to anything else that's really happening. My fourth theory is that the person behind it all has yet to be revealed and Batman knows exactly who it is (hint: Earth-3 Superwoman's infant. Or Lincoln March. Or The Outsider. Or Red Skull. Or Owlman (non-Lincoln March version)) but he figured he needed to fall for Cluemaster's trap to lure the real bad guy out into the open. Batman is involved in one of those Harvest plans where he fails completely but it was all part of the plan to ultimately save the day!

Just suck his dick already.

Arthur Brown, you really are a small time criminal idiot. You're not supposed to want Batman's attention! He's not the father who abandoned you! You don't need his love to prove your worth! He's a guy trying to stop criminals from stealing shit and hurting people. You're a guy trying to steal shit and hurt people. You're supposed to avoid his notice, you fuckdummy! This is why I told you to suck his dick already. People think The Joker is in love with The Batman because everything he does has to involve The Batman. But do you think The Penguin wants Batman's balls in his mouth? Fuck no! He'd rather Batman left him alone completely! If your entire plan was to kill Batman so that he doesn't interfere with your crime sprees anymore then just fucking kill him already. But forcing him to acknowledge your existence? That's fucking pathetic. You're a joke, Cluedoucher.

Cluemaster unmasks Batman and is all, "Bruce Wayne! I knew I recognized those nipples and that curving, succulent bulge from somewhere. Now put your rich man dick in my mouth! Love me, Bruce Daddy! Love me!"

My dad left when I was two so I'm not sure if I'm portraying the love between a son and his father correctly. Do you suck dick immediately or is there a little ass play involved first?

Selina isn't really thinking about it. She has this weird idea that they can make more money by saving Gotham and keeping it safe then by pillaging it of anything valuable and razing it.

Back on the beacon, Cluemaster finally gets his chance to do one of those super villain monologues he's always been denied. He says so many words that he must be using the Codemaster Clue! Let's see..."Wtyk toouwdmtal wholuapnawt. Ironiiwtnooojbs Tbcbotc Imajomo." Hmm. Is that Tamil?

Cluemaster mentions how he once read this comic book called Knightfall and got the great idea to create lots of chaos so that he could pull some cool heists while Batman was involved with lots of other chaos. Then at the end of it all when Batman was too tired to defend himself, Cluemaster would break him! But his story goes on so long that...SURPRISE!...Batman escapes from the chains!

Cluemaster probably has such a huge boner right now. This is always what happens to the A-Listers! He's made the big time!

Bruce had better hope that the bat symbol carved on his chest doesn't scar or else he'll never be able to take his shirt off in front of another woman! Although there was that night where those small time crooks wounded by Batman went around branding everybody with Bat symbols, so he can always pretend he was one of the victims that night. Or he can just assume that the kind of women Bruce Wayne dates will simply think it's cute that he has a scarification bat symbol on his chest.

While Batman and Cluemaster battle, some mysterious figure arrives downstairs and gasses the other Secret Society of Super-Villain members. I bet it's Alfred Pennyworth! Or The Joker! Or somebody in-between those two extremes! I think I covered all the bases there, right?

Although the scene before this that I didn't mention had Harper fighting for the city while Spoiler was apparently ditching it. So it's probably Spoiler. Especially since the one Secret Society guy that I don't recognize recognizes her. And since Cluemaster knows Bruce's identity, he kind of has to die now, doesn't he? And it's kind of appropriate that Spoiler finally chooses what side she's on by killing her dad. Bruce will be totally conflicted about that!

Or, you know, it could be whoever this guy is!

Batman Eternal #51 Rating: No change. I hope the final issue ends with Earth-3 Superwoman's baby floating up behind Owlman (Lincoln March version) and slitting his throat just like Owlan did to Cluemaster in this issue! I suppose that only makes sense if Geoff Johns writes Batman Eternal #52. Since this is mainly a Scott Snyder jam, I think we've reached the top of his Batman villain pyramid. And since these guys are brothers, I hope next issue is just twenty pages of one long hug.

1 comment:

  1. adorei o Batman desecendo o braço no loiro babaca!mas de repente aparece esse novo inimigo mascarado com lamina pronto pra fatiar o Morcego?!quero ver a continuação dessa história urgente!!Marcos Punch.