Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Justice League 3000 #15

Stupid lying comic book covers being honest about how they constantly lie.

This issue begins with Etrigan rhyming "fire" and "pyre." Again! He needs to work on his poetry. The reason he's making that rhyme isn't because he's spitting "hellfire" at somebody. It's because he's summoned Beatriz da Costa to his throne.

Is that where Giffen and DeMatteis got the idea of sending Fire to Hell? Because her name is Beatriz?

Fire's current assignment is to take over Ice's castle because it has strategic military value for some reason. I'm sure it's not because its location would give Hell's Army a good supply line, or a place nearby Camelot where the troops can marshal. It probably sits upon some kind of magic and/or scientific doohickey that will give whoever claims it a tenfold increase in killing power. Or maybe Etrigan just loves penguins. The fucking castle is riddled with them.

I really hate how Giffen and DeMatteis have a habit of finishing a conversation between two characters in a Narration Box over the next scene on the subsequent page.

Some stuff happens where the Justice League International 3000 bicker but none of that is important. The important part of this story is the part where Bea and Tora come face to face again after 1000 years. Fire will probably melt Ice's cold heart so that Ice remembers how much she loves Fire. And Ice will probably cool Fire down so Fire loses her anger and resentment and remembers how much she loves Ice! Then they'll embrace and probably cause some kind of explosion or something.

But even that part isn't as important as I made it out to be in that last paragraph! The important part of the story is finding out the mystery of Camelot Nine! Why has it attracted Etrigan and Ice and other characters from the Preboot Universe? Is it yet another Earth that Mega-Brainiac misplaced on his travel across the multi-multiverse?

Some more stuff happens where demons and men battle in front of Ice's castle. Also more bickering happens because Giffen and DeMatteis are writing this book. But then Ice freezes the armies where they stand and ends the battle! Which can only mean on thing! Fire will arrive soon to kiss her! I mean argue with her! I mean make up with her! Pillow fight, maybe?

Fire looks pretty hot with her JRPG sword and her outfit that doesn't burn up when she transforms.

At one point during the battle, Wonder Woman 3000 calls Teri her friend and Teri says, "Wait. Did you just call me your friend?" And Wonder Woman 3000's response is "Um...no." Why? Why is she so ashamed to admit she's found some kind of connection with Teri? Does it make her seem weak? Is she worried somebody might misconstrue the friendship between two women as being all about the scissoring? You know, like I would? One of the constant themes in Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League comic books has been friendship. It's what this entire conflict between Ice and Fire is leading up to. How could two people who loved and cared about each other for so long suddenly find themselves at odds with one another? Will hugs be enough to repair their relationship? And what's going on with the Super Buddies, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold? I suppose they don't like to admit they're friends with each other either.

Is that the secret for having a best friend? You have to be a total asshole to them while they're a total dick to you but you still want to hang out together all the time? No wonder Doom Bunny and I have been friends for so long. We found the secret to friendship years ago! I'd never admit that I actually like the stupid idiot!

See? Hugs win the battle! Although they admit they love each other so how can they really be best friends? I bet they're all about the scissoring.

Now can we learn the secret of Camelot Nine?! Before this series ends forever? I mean, kind of ends forever. I know it's really just continuing under a slightly different title.

Meanwhile the comic book ends with the Injustice League having taken over Justice League Castle by defeating Ariel Masters. And the "Next Month" blurb says to be back in 30 days for "Rebirth." So I guess this comic book gets to keep going during Convergence? Or are they going to slip another issue of this thing in right under the wire on April 1st? Whatever! I just hope the next issue has a lot more scissoring than this one had.

Justice League 3000 #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm a sucker for friends reuniting! Especially when they're two women and they hug and I get to think about boobs squashing up against each other. Is that awkward when women hug or just normal because, you know, it's just bodies hugging and making friendly contact? Guys don't think of it as normal, I can assure you! We only hug women to get creepy boob contact. Also, when I hug my guy friends, I always try to shove my balls up against their balls. It's not really anywhere near the same thing but I thought I'd just mention it in case I ever meet any guys who read this blog who might be thinking about hugging me.

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