Sunday, March 8, 2015

Sinestro #10

Is this DC Comics' final "Fuck you!" to the Comics Code Authority? Some guy pissing all over himself right on the cover of the book?

I've said it before but I think it bears repeating in this age of Outraged Twitter Pile-ons: businesses really need to invest in a Department of Cynicism. Just set aside an office for a couple of smart-ass men and women to glance at every product before you ship it out of the door. If it's a Play-doh molder that looks like a penis or a picture of Sinestro that looks like he's pissing all over himself as he hangs upside down, you'll catch it before you let it out into the world creating a firestorm of faux outrage. Seriously, though, we all know the outrage is mostly faux simply because people have too much time on their hands with too little meaning in their lives. I guess getting pissed off at toys that look like cocks and taking it to your local television news station makes people feel like crusaders for justice. But for every person that was upset by the Play-doh cum machine, I guarantee you there were at least two dozen parents who laughed about it and then still gave it to their kid to play with because who the fuck cares? Kids are innocent little turds! They just want to squeeze Play-doh out of a tube. They aren't going to fellate the fucking thing once the parents leave the room.

Anyway, a Department of Cynicism would be the easiest thing in the world and probably save companies a ton of money. Just stock an office with video games, salty snacks, kittens, and soda pop to keep your cynics happy. Then run your ideas past them a few times a day and they'll let you know if you've accidentally developed a fruit snack that looks like an anal sphincter. You should probably also allow them unchecked internet access to keep their cynicism honed to a razor's edge.

Last issue, Sinestro was captured by the Apex League, a group of vigilantes who were looking for a weapon to use against The Paling. I guess Warworld seemed like a pretty good weapon. Also, Sinestro must not have taken a leak for quite some time before he was captured. You know, you'd never see Hal Jordan pissing himself. Although his willpower might be buttressed by his fear of people knowing a grown man pissed himself while Sinestro knows no fear and thus doesn't mind people knowing that he pissed in his own face.

I'm going to write a lot about pissing in faces this commentary.

The issue also contains more vomit kink than I expected.

Sinestro is beaten by the Apex League and Mongul because his ring loses all of its juice. This time Sinestro's ring was drained by some weapon of Mongul's. And while that kind of thing seems to happen a lot to ringbearers, I have another question! When did the rings begin reporting how little charge they had left? Didn't the fucking things used to last twenty-four hours no matter what? Now it's as if they run on a limited supply of fuel. I suppose readers were tired of Green Lanterns going in to battle only to realize when all hell was breaking loose that they hadn't recharged their rings. Then every reader was all, "What the fuck? You can't take a few extra seconds to recharge the goddamned thing before heading out? You have one job and you keep forgetting to do that one job, you idiot Hal!" I suppose building tension is more believable when the ring runs out due to being overused rather than the wearer having forgotten to charge it.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they always used to run out due to excessive use. Unless Green Lantern was a guest in a comic book I read, or a member of a larger team, I didn't really follow him much. Although I did follow Guy Gardner because he was super cool with a slick outfit and a fashionable haircut. I like the way he was constantly mean to everybody. Take that, you self-righteous a-holes!

Later Sinestro is going to wish he'd pissed himself here while he was still upright.

Meanwhile back on New Korugar correctly located this issue in Sector 3567, the Sinestro Corps receive the "distress signal" that Sinestro sent out. The signal split into two beams so the other one is probably off bugging Hal Jordan, Sinestro's best friend and greatest enemy. In the message, Sinestro pleads for help because he's a useless failure that was easily captured by Mongul and he really needs to pee. He might not have said it in those exact words but the Corps could tell that's what he meant by his stance, less rigid than usual, and his pee pee dance body language.

Mongul discovered Relic's ring-draining technology just floating around in space after the Green Lanterns defeated him because apparently none of the Green Lanterns feel like cleaning up after a fight is their job. Besides, space is so vast, why should they worry about the worst technology in the universe falling into the hands of their enemies? Just let it float around in space! No big deal! Well, it was a very big deal! Now Sinestro and his Corps are about to die and Mongul is going to steal Parallax out of Sinestro's urine! Good going, Green Lanterns. Can we add this to your already too long list of fuck-ups?

This is Venomous Shade of the Apex League. He's going to be switching sides soon.

The Sinestro Corps arrive but Sinestro doesn't care because he has no confidence in them. If he was defeated by Mongul, it's obvious that they'll be defeated too. But Sinestro doesn't really care about that either way. He just hopes that his other summons is answered because it will prove that Bekka loves him too. And she answers the summons wearing the yellow ring he gave her. Sinestro has a girlfriend!

Sinestro #10 Rating: No change. From now on instead of trying to say something critical and review-like after giving the rating, I'm just going to give the comic book a Ratings Metaphor. Sinestro #10 is the first time I'm doing this so this is to acclimate you to the new experience. Let me do this whole ratings paragraph over with how it will look in future comic book reviews:

Sinestro #10 Rating: No change. It was as exciting as the cover to an advertisement for Microprose games from 1997!

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