Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Batman Loves Superman #20

This was the first movie poster cover so far that I didn't recognize. At least not consciously!

Since I didn't know what movie this was parodying, I decided to ask Lord Google. First because of the speed line crap (and because I didn't seem to recognize it), my brain was telling me it might be from The Fast and The Furious. Some of those posters do have an inordinate amount of speed lines but that wasn't right. So then I checked Speed just in case. Superman could have been the bus and Batman Keanu, right? But on that poster, the bus is exploding instead of driving sort of fast. But then my brain proved that it did know this movie poster. I knew I recognized it but just couldn't come up with the movie. But my brain was telling me that it was a movie with Harrison Ford. So I asked Lord Google to look up Harrison Ford movie posters and there it was: The Fugitive. Good job, brain. That was sarcastic. You really shouldn't have to rely on Lord Google, you stupid organ of a bitch.

Oh wait. Did I just hurt my own feelings twice?

Also, I was joking when I captioned the Bill and Ted's cover of Action Comics with "Party time. Excellent." It's been hard not pointing out that I was joking with that caption and I finally cracked! Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is one of the few movies that you'd be really annoyed watching with me since I know all the fucking lines. It's that, Heathers, and Young Guns, both the first and the second one! That's not counting musicals because aren't we all annoying assholes when watching musicals we love? Just shut up and let me watch it without having to hear you sing over my singing!

Previously in Batman Loves Superman, Superman, Supergirl, and Batman have stormed the Bottled City of Kandor because Xa-du the Phantom King had taken it over and was feeding them horrible anti-Superman propaganda. He probably made them read all of Scott Lobdell's run on Superman until they couldn't fucking stand to look at Kal-el anymore. Also, Superman just found out that he was going to have to kick his Nana's ass to keep Xa-du and his tiny Kandorian army from taking over the world.

Superman's Nana explains why she's about to whoop his stanky ass. It turns out the people of Kandor were not completely in stasis. They could hear and see what was going on around them. And every time Superman would blow a masturbatory load into the side of the Bottled City, she grew more and more ashamed that he was kin. Now she's going to put him down! And his cousin too because she's no relation of hers! She's an El! *ptui!*

But why do you hate Supergirl's bum so much? Look at it! It just wants to love and be loved!

I bet Superman is all, "Nana! Stop! Your little Kal-el loves you so much! I can't hit you, Nana!" And then Batman will drop from the cork and say, "I can!" and BLAMMO! Nana takes an uppercut right to the kryptonian dentures!

The scene shifts to Ray Palmer and Hiro in the Ant Farm except it's not Hiro at all like I thought (again!) when I glanced at the page. It's Lois Lane still in her Hiro undercover disguise. Lois has been receiving a Morse Code message from Batman about what's going on and that they could use some help. Maybe. It's also possible she's lying and she just wants to get into the middle of the action so she can write a story about it.

Supergirl also refuses to fight back because it's her best friend Tali she's up against. So she and Superman stand around taking shots of heat vision to the face trying to convince a bunch of brainwashed people that love conquers all and hugs could go a long way to ending this mess. But the Kandorians don't agree and continue to beat the crap out of Superman and Supergirl. Who will save them now?!

Who didn't call this? Not me! I mean, I didn't not call it! You read that I called it a few paragraphs ago, right?!

Now I'm angry! Batman has some red sun right there on the end of his Whomping Stick! It's obviously been shrunk down by Ray Palmer Shrink Ray technology. How about making it the size of a cork and exchanging the normal cork on the Bottled City of Kandor with that bit of red sun? Problem solved without having to hit somebody's Nana in the face! I think Batman just likes beating up old women.

How did J'onn manage that? Aren't suns made out of fire?

Is that how Batman and Ray Palmer also developed Batman's Mini-Red-Sun Gauntlets for his Hellbat costume?

Aunt Mara flies in and disintegrates Batman with her heat vision. Superman screams, "Batman!", forgetting that he has microscopic vision and could see that Batman just pulled the old Ray Palmer Shrinkadoo (or Supes is just acting which is probably not the case because Batman, after the last time he tried to get Superman to ad lib on the "in love with Lois" bluff, wouldn't trust Superman to act his way out of an interview with James Lipton). I bet Batman even planned the whole thing in his Morse Code message to Lois Lane. He's like a genius or something. I bet his IQ is way over 90.

Since Batman isn't around now to fight Superman's battle, he's forced to slam his Aunt's face into the ground and freeze his Nana's head. Supergirl knocks out Tali and the fight is over. I bet their friends and family never forgive them for this! How dare they defend themselves against brainwashed loved ones trying to kill them?! Couldn't they have found a better way?! Couldn't they, at least one more time, have tried making them remember love?

After the battle, Xa-du shatters the Bottled City of Kandor as if the bottle wasn't made from super duper unbreakable Brainiac glass! Pshaw! Comic books are so unrealistic sometimes.

Now Superman has to battle hundreds of tiny little super Kandorians. Maybe it's time to revert back to normal size and suck them all up with his superbreath and then by turning tiny again and spitting them out into a coke can inside a special red sun gerbil cage on board the Ant Farm! If they didn't think up that plan, they're not trying very hard.

Superman blows up Batman's Red Sun Generator and everybody loses their powers. Superman and Supergirl are okay because they're full of Vitamin D. Now all they have to deal with is Xa-du! I say grab one end of his bandages and fly around him super fast so that he spins around so quickly that he gets sick. Then he has to stand there dizzy and naked covering his genitals! I'm pretty sure that's how Scooby Doo and Shaggy always catch the mummy.

Instead the Ant Farm explodes out of Xa-du's bandaged head. It sounds gory but it wasn't as bad as it seems. I'll let Batman explain the technological mumbo-jumbo.

He's also learning how to act! I'm surprised he didn't go, "Batman! Oh my god! Did you see him die like I saw him die? Totally dead, he is! Oh sorrow!"

And, of course, after Xa-du's influence has been removed from everybody's minds, the Kandorians are all appreciative of being saved by Superman and Supergirl! Except Nana, Aunt Mara, and Tali because manufactured drama is so much better than hugs!

Apparently a few Kandorians are stuck in their Xa-du induced madness. It just happens, coincidentally, that Tali and Nana and Aunt Mara are part of that group. But someday they'll be free! Maybe! But now the citizens of Kandor get to be awake and live exciting bottled lives in their newly built bottled city because, I'm guessing, Ray Palmer doesn't want to share his Shrink Ray technology with them so that they can become normal sized and live amongst the humans? No? We can't have that? They'd rather be trapped in their bottle? I think somebody would at least give them a choice, no? What a bunch of dicks.

For a second, I thought Hiro Lois Lane was wearing the Non-Compliant symbol.

And that's pretty much the end except for Superman once more learning that he can't save everyone but everyone thinks that's okay because they know he's doing his best. Okay, not everybody thinks that. Some people think he's a dick. And some people right before they die think, "Fucking great. I'm the person Superman doesn't save! Just my...."

Batman Loves Superman #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was a much better Batman Loves Superman than most of the previous ones. Although I don't like the idea of Xa-du being "Batman's Joker." Such a Batman thing to do! Trying to make everything about him. Xa-du is just some guy who hates Jor-el and wants to see his son pay. That's not a Joker at all! That's a guy with a motive and a reason to do what he's doing. It might be insane and it might be targeting the wrong problem but when has that ever been an issue with anybody? Even in The Bible, God was constantly punishing the wrong people simply because he allowed himself to be swayed by his favorite of his Chosen people! Most of his favorites were problematic dickholes, by the way.

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