Thursday, March 5, 2015

Deathstroke #5

Is this cover a metaphor for Batman, Deathstroke, and Harley comparing penises?

Last issue ended with Harley Quinn leading Deathstroke into a trap that will not get him killed at all because the trap is Batman and Batman doesn't kill for unknown reasons. I think if Harley really wanted to make Deathstroke pay for the betrayal in Russia, she could have led him into a vat of acid or a pit full of hyenas. Manipulating him into a fight with Batman just seems lazy and manipulative of DC readers' wallets.

After the fight with Batman, Deathstork Deathstroke will probably get back to his regular mission which is to learn the real name of his son Jericho. Hint: it's Joey. Sorry, that was a bad hint because it was actually the answer.

The first thing we learn is that Deathstroke became an absolute moron when he regained his youth.

Of course you're going to run into Batman if you set foot in Gotham! Batman is contractually obligated to take part in any story that takes place in Gotham.

The second thing we learn is that Deathstroke has a filthy mouth as he calls Harley a "$%#!" Yeesh! Even I don't swear like that!

The third thing we learn is that Batman is easily manipulated. If you put a bad guy in front of him, he has to begin throwing punches. That might also be part of his contract.

This issue is called "Battle Royale With Cheese" because it's about French teenagers on an island fighting to the death.

Tony S. Daniel knows he's bad at choreographing a fight scene which the reader can follow so he has Deathstroke explain every move Batman makes through his Narration Boxes. Meanwhile Harley calls the fight like a junior high school ringside announcer except she doesn't call either opponent "gay."

So far, a lot of "blow rolling" has been going down in this fight. Gay.

Deathstroke decides he's getting his ass kicked because he's not used to fighting with two eyes. So Fish up and dig the other one out with a spoon, you coward! Instead, Deathstroke hits Batman with a wall the building apparently didn't need. Then Batman throws some firecrackers in Slade's face because that's totally annoying. Then Slade says, "Maybe I should have mentioned this earlier when you asked me, 'Why are you here?', but if my son is killed while I'm fighting you (which I chose to do by ignoring your question earlier and just attacking you), I'm holding you responsible!" And Batman is all, "Well I'm holding you responsible for my dental bills and my laundry and my tailoring repairs although you did help, Bruce Wayne demolish this building for free that he was going to demolish to make way for a bunch of high rent condominiums, so maybe we're even. Um, Bruce will pay me in weapons and shit cause he's cool like that." And Harley is all, "Stop talking, you butt munches!"

See? Absolute moron. Doesn't even know where the heart is.

Batman isn't very bright either. Why has he been getting tips from Harley? Was their date in New York so successful that he's all turned around on her? She isn't a violent maniac anymore because she kisses so well? I wonder if Batman calls his penis "Little Alfred" since it makes so many decisions in his life?

The fight continues for a few more pages with Batman beating the crap out of Deathstroke and Deathstroke narrating the entire thing so the reader understands why he's losing a battle in his own comic book. "I can't fight with two eyes! I'm too slow! Something about milliseconds! I-Ching is a dick! My face hurts! Joey! I mean, Jericho! Who's Joey? Oh wait! Batman should have killed me right now but he didn't which means the tables are now turned and I will win because I was almost dead but then wasn't which means I'm suddenly back to full strength! A-ha!" And then the building blows up because Harley rigged it with explosive cartoon presents.

She also thought Batman would defeat Deathstroke with one bat, man.

Deatstroke forgives Harley Quinn because he needs somebody to lead him to Jericho even though she previously implied she was hunting Jericho for the bounty on his head. Now she's going to team up with Deathstroke to save him because characters in this comic book can never remember what their motives were from one page to the next.

Meanwhile Rose brings Joey to meet somebody who can help him control his mental powers.

How come everybody calls Joey "Jericho" and Ravager "Rose"? You'd think they'd stay consistent with code names and secret identities. Oh wait. I forgot that Tony S. Daniel doesn't actually know that Jericho's real name is Joseph.

Opossum zaps Joey with the same thing he zapped Slade with in Issue #1 where Joey loses all control of his faculties and begins bleeding out of every visible orifice. And probably the other ones too but let's not think about that, okay? Sorry I even brought it up. Rose attacks Opossum but he blows up into several pieces before she can hack him up into even severaller pieces. Opossum was murdered by Bronze Tiger, Cheshire, and Odysseus's five best followers.

Whoops! I take it back. Oposssum was killed by Odysseus himself. And that must be Cheshire's granddaughter!

I guess Odysseus ultimately didn't trust Cheshire to lead this mission and decided to come himself. He also might have had to come because all of his followers killed each other when they were supposed to determine the five best. It's probably hard to stop at five survivors when you're desperately trying to stay alive.

Deathstroke didn't kill anybody this issue so his Lifetime Kill Count remains at 934.

Deathstroke #5 Rating: No change. This is a decently enjoyable comic book hampered by Tony S. Daniel's lazy writing. He just seems to be filling pages without actively remembering the things he's previously written as he goes along. He wants Deathstroke to fight Batman because that's something fans will love but it doesn't really make much sense. Batman was only there because of a tip from Harley but he gets embroiled in a battle that can easily lead to his death anyway. Why even engage in that confrontation when he can just tail Deathstroke to see what he's up to, especially when his lead came from Harley Quinn? And why is Odysseus now in Gotham when he was sending a team lead by Cheshire last issue? I suppose I have to allow for Harley's changes in motivation since she's a whimsical little pixie murderer. That's supposed to be ambiguous! Anyway, this comic book is doing what you'd expect from a Deathstroke comic book and I'm sure most people, sitting and reading it quickly, don't give a shit about the inconsistencies. Good for you! Enjoy!

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