Detective Comics #40

Now I want a Keanu Reeves Batman.

When I went to see The Matrix, I was sitting close to a woman who began to cry during the scene where Keanu in his trench coat raids the skyscraper and blows everybody away with his stash of guns. And as she was crying, she mumbled, "Is this where they got the idea?" She was speaking of Kleibold and the other one. And Kleibold might not even be the right name. Fuck if I'll ask Lord Google the correct names. Anyway, you remember. Columbine? I didn't engage her because I was trying to watch a fucking movie which didn't give anybody the idea to do horrible, monstrous shit. Being crazy and feeling powerless and having no empathy cause people to do these kinds of things. But you know what a lot of murdering scumbags also are? Unimaginative! So even if they went and killed a bunch of people in a style similar to something they read in a book or saw in a movie, it doesn't mean the book or the movie is to blame. It just means the killers couldn't come up with an original idea.

I wonder what it's like to go through life being way too sensitive? It must be like constantly walking through flames with invulnerable, exposed nerve endings. I wonder if she cried during the original The Bad News Bears? "Those kids aren't wearing seatbelts! And they shouldn't be sitting on the seats like that while the car is moving! And wasn't that man drinking just before this?!"

I hope one of these covers is The Bad News Bears!

Speaking of kids with baseball bats:

Anarky just looks like he's wearing a poorly made Martian Manhunter costume.

Batman sees Anarky knock one of The Mad Hatter's buck teeth out of his head and figures he'd better stop the violence before one of his most iconic villains is disfigured beyond recognizability. Or maybe Batman just doesn't want to get blamed for it. He's knocked out plenty of teeth himself over the years but nobody wants to be blamed for something they didn't do, even if they have a history of doing that same exact thing.

While Batman gets sliced by one of Anarky's gang (not with a knife but with a golf club! Get it?!), Detective Bullock (with Penny-One's help) begins searching the Blue House for the mechanism controlling the people of Gotham in Anarky masks. He discovers a buzzing Mad Hatter hat which must be sending out the signal. I bet he has to put it on and then Bullock can control everybody in the city! Street sausages for everybody!

Alfred tries to stall for time by reasoning with the rioters. I've always thought that a person holding a lit Molotov Cocktail was just a person needing a hug.

While Bullock tries to figure out the frequency of the mind control waves by dividing ten by six (possibly his toughest assignment so far), Batman de-masks Anarky and it's...Sam Young! But that's who Bullock thought it was! And if Bullock thought it, it couldn't have been correct unless...I can't believe I'm thinking this...Bullock's coffee mug was correct! He is the World's Greatest Detective! Stick that revelation up your Bat-ass and spin, Batman! Or something. I'm not very good at trash talk.

How could the system not put The Mad Hatter away for life?! He filled Gotham Bay with corpses a year ago! The system really does suck! Batman had better just start killing folks now.

Sam Young explains how his sister was The Mad Hatter's first Alice (wrong but what does he know, you know?) and how nobody would do anything to stop Jervis from killing kids at the Blue House. So he decided the best way to fix the system was to burn it to the ground. Then the only people left would be under his control and he could tell them to not kill his sister ever again. Or something. I'm not sure he really had a plan involving rebuilding. He's just a grown kid throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get his way. Sure, his way was just wanting somebody to save his sister but we can't always get what we want. Especially when Batman wasn't around at the time to save everybody, the lazy asshole.

While Batman listens to yet another villain explain why his craziness is the same as Batman's craziness (when it explicitly isn't but then when has craziness ever dabbled in logic and rationality?), Detective Bullock decides to put on the Mad Hatter's hat. Here we go! The riot is going to end because everybody is going to suddenly have an overwhelming desire to eat a danish and fuck a hooker!

"Why do I suddenly want to stick my dick in a warm pumpkin?"

The issue ends with Bruce and Alfred taking down the Christmas lights and discussing how Batman jumped to the conclusion that everybody in Gotham, when given the chance, decided to become murderers and scofflaws. What a douche! Alfred is all, "You're a fucking jerkhole." And Bruce is all, "I'm Batman!" And Alfred mumbles, "That's what I said." And Bruce is all, "I don't actually need a butler, you know!"

Detective Comics #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. At the end, Anarky tells Batman that they're the same. That proves that he wasn't meant to be the real Anarky (and is why he'll be replaced by that Lonnie Machin kid in the hospital). Batman is the opposite of anarchy. He's fascism! He's all keeping peace through strict control of the populace. Anarchy is all about trusting your fellow citizen not to stick an axe in your head simply because you like to walk around with your pee-pee hanging out. Or something. I should probably read up on anarchy sometime, beginning with the dictionary definition. Although why bother? I'm pretty sure it just reads "Freedom!"