Sunday, March 29, 2015

New Guardians #40

So many comic books ending! My tears are overflowing!

While I read New Guardians, I'm also going to be playing the Family Feud on my Applewin Apple II emulator. I figure I'll feel less sad if I'm enjoying a rousing game of guess the populist opinions!

Here's my family. We're orange because, being an Apple II, it was either that or blue or green or purple.

Speaking of orange, the first question was "Name the fruit with the best fragrance." I didn't know how to buzz in so the computer went first and guessed Strawberry. That was answer number two! And even though I don't believe it, I understand the game is about trying to think like the other automatons pretending to fit in and I guess orange! Number one answer baby! I also tried to guess "pineapple" during the round but the computer said the answer had already been given since I had already guess "apple." But then when the answers were revealed, "pineapple" was on the board! Fuckers! You're lucky I won that round anyway, Family Feud, or you'd be hearing from my game show lawyer!

Now I'm more interested in playing Family Feud than in reading about Kyle Rayner.

In the fast money round, Family Feud asked "What is the best way for a woman to defend herself?" I guessed "gun" and scored zero points. So the next time (because you get two tries. Haven't you ever seen the game show?), I guessed "scream." That was worth thirty points. I bet "whistle" would have scored big too! Probably anything that would have attracted a man's attention so that a man could come and defend the woman since she forgot to know how to use a gun.

Okay, okay! I'm reading the comic book now!

When we last saw Kyle Rayner, he was getting his ass handed to him by Oblivenom. But his friends had arrived to save the day! One of those friends was Exeter, the alien who used to guard The Source Wall's Baby Bump (which turned out to be Relic).

How is this modern visual story less exciting than a thirty year old piece of software emulating an even older game show?

Kyle and friends try to beat Oblivion into submission but it doesn't seem to be working. So Kyle suggests another tactic which seems to be exactly like the first tactic where they just try to beat it into submission. But since Kyle said they were trying something different, who am I, as a mere reader, to argue? Obviously what I'm reading is totally different now! I can't wait until they come up with the plan that will eventually defeat Oblivion. I bet it's beating him into submission!

Oh wait! I think Kyle just came up with a winning strategy!

Suicide! Hey, I'm all for this plan!

Fucking Saint Walker, Mistress of Hope, decides suicide isn't the option. He probably thinks it's never the option, the blissfully optimistic sock-faced monkey! But I think he should give it a chance this time. Maybe if Kyle hopes hard enough, he'll save the universe and return to life. See, if he dies then Oblivion dies! But Oblivion doesn't have the magic power of the White Ring to bring himself back to life.

I hope Kyle dies. See? Hope! Saint Walker should be helping bring my hopes to fruition!

Rules! Don't change them! Fuck them! Fuck them right in their snotty little didactic faces!

I hope Kyle Rayner, master of the Life Equation, realizes he can now pull that Bugs Bunny shit where he forces Diogenes Neves simply erase Oblivion from the comic book page. Then he can write his own ending where he lives forever on a world with infinite glory holes! Hmm, I don't know why I have glory holes on the brain so much today.

Kyle Rayner's plan is to split up the Life Equation across seven white rings so that no one White Lantern can utilize the equation. So instead of dying and ending the White Lanterns who are completely useless (mostly because I just claimed they are), he creates six more rings! Who does this fucker think he is? Sauron?

The white rings rush out across the universe to choose new hosts. Two of them are extremely lazy and decide that Saysoran and Exeter are good enough to join the White Lantern Corps. One ring picks a Daxam because it wants to be on some bad ass motherfucker that can be laid low by fishing tackle and paint from the seventies. One picks She-lob and the other picks some Doom Patrol dude from the Slineth Dimension. I guess one stays on Rayner and the final one is going to be a surprise for the last page. I bet it chooses some no-goodnik!

Together, the six White Lanterns beat Oblivion into submission and he disintegrates. Now all that's left is for one of the Bohemian Guardians to say, "Didn't we make seven rings?" And Kyle will be, "Oh yeah! I wonder where the seventh one went to?" And then the final page will be Real Deal Lobo going, "Feetal's Gizz, I'm gonna go frag me some bastiches!" Or something.

Kyle actually keeps the seventh ring to give to Carol in secret so that nobody can go after all seven White Lanterns and use the Life Equation for themselves. But Carol refuses it and ruins his plan. So Kyle just lets it go find some new secret member of the White Lantern Corps. It'll probably choose Real Deal Lobo.

New Guardians #40 Rating: No change. This comic book never really could figure out what it was going to be about. Eventually it settled on simply concentrating on Kyle Rayner which was far less entertaining than when it was about one member of every Lantern Corps. Although that story arc would have been more interesting if Tony Bedard had known what he was going to do with it. Maybe he did and he just couldn't get it all to come together with all of the Green Lantern cross-overs. Anyway, I'm glad another comic book with a character I really don't give a shit about is coming to an end. It was whatever!

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