Friday, March 27, 2015

Batgirl: Endgame #1

From the pages of Barbara Gordon's Secret Diary!

Dear Secret Diary,
You are a secret! That other diary doesn't know me like you know me, Secret Diary! You're the one I tell all of the things I would be ashamed to tell anybody in the whole world! That's probably why I haven't written in you before. Because nothing super secret and awesome ever happens inside my vagina. Although before the sun came up this morning around five, I was up peeing in the toilet with my underwear around my ankles and I thought, "I'm going to go stand outside on the roof naked!" It was going to be some kind of ritual bonding me to my new neighborhood! So I finished up and ran into my room and threw off my clothes and put a robe on and ran out to the fire escape and opened the window and holy fudgesicles was it cold! So I shut the window and went back to bed. Maybe I'll do it in the summer.

But that's not the super secret thing I wanted to tell you that is so secret and shameful that I'd be embarrassed if Regular Diary found out about it! Let me start at the beginning!

It all started when Batman couldn't keep control of his city! He'd let the Joker screw up everything yet again and citizens infected with The Joker Virus were headed toward Burnside. It was up to me to save my neighborhood from Batman's huge mistake! But mostly I had to escort a bus full of Very Important Gotham Citizens to Burnside because I was keeping it so much safer than Batman's parts of town. What a failure.

My make-up was so on point that I was looking fifteen again!

I took care of business and saved the day and my butt looked as cute as ever and everybody lived happily ever after and they all wanted to marry me! Except after I got done turning down all of the marriage proposals from all the super hot lads and lasses because I refuse to be with anybody that isn't super duper super hot, I noticed that Tiffany Fox was on top of the bus and surrounded by Jokerized Gothamites. That stupid little...argh! I totally, not for any seconds at all, didn't think about leaving her to die so that I could continue to be the smartest woman in Gotham. It didn't cross my mind at all, Secret Diary! How dare you suggest such a thing! I'm a hero! I knew what I had to do! Throw a batarang, probably! Or shoot a batgrapple! Those things solve like 90% of all Bat-Problems!

It must have been a side effect of the Joker Toxin but I found I could only speak in emojis!

I got Tiffany's attention and tried to sign to her, "Do you think you can run across the tops of the heads of the Joker Zombie in the style of Xena the Princess Warrior?" But she didn't understand because she's definitely not as smart as me. Yet. Little snot! Instead she sent me a text of three sad gang members. I was all, "What the fuck does that mean?!" But I said it in emoji which is like "Question Mark Face" "Pointing Finger" "Doughnut" "Angry Face."

Tiffany mangled my message and instead of running atop the heads of the Joker Victims, she smiled really big and just walked straight through them. That girl is crazy! I had to go save her before she became infected! But I was out of Batarangs and Batgrapples! But I still had my rebreather! Is that even a word, Batman? Why didn't you call it Bat-Air?

I ran out into the crowd and grabbed Tiffany. Instead of taking her back to the barricade at the end of the bridge, I decided to show off! What good is being a super hero if you can't do some fancy tricks so that you can brag them right back into Dick Grayson's smug face!

Oh. Now I'm sad! Stupid fucking Dick. How dare he leave me! He's probably banging half of those girls at Hadrian's thinking I won't find out because I'm supposed to think he's dead! Please. As if I wouldn't be watching the Sins of Silence concert live from Tel Aviv! And like I wouldn't recognize that ass trying not to roller boogie around the stage while kicking the band's ass! So what if his face was all fuzzy and unmemorable! That's just a clue that it was Dick too! I never forget a face and I've never not seen a face that I looked at before! Something funny is going on and I bet Batman is behind it because he's addicted to lying even when he promises not to ever lie ever again forever. Fuggin' old people!

So anyswayze, I hop on the bus and drive it right off the flippin' bridge like a rock star that can't drive a bus! Then I grab Tiff and run up the aisle and kick open the back door and jump out and activate my Bat-Hang-girl-ider and fly away! Okay, so the Bat-Hang-girl-ider's name can use a little work.

We land on the shore and Tiff's back in her parents' arms! Day saved, once again, by The Batgirl!

Oh yeah, Secret Diary. You're probably wondering what the big shameful secret is, aren't you? Well now I'm nervous to tell you! Maybe I should start a Super Secret Diary because I totally don't have one at all, Secret Diary. Of course you'd know if I did! It would be a secret and you're my Secret Diary, aren't you?! Well, since I totally don't have a Super Secret Diary with lists of all the things I'd like Dick Grayson's tongue to do to my body, I'll tell you my shameful secret: I sharted in my Batgirl suit while landing the Bat-Hang-Girl-ider! Ugh. I hope Tiffany didn't notice! That little smarmy smart assed weasel!

Batgirl: Endgame #1 Rating: 😖👉🍩😠!

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